When Your Teenager Is Pregnant

If your adolescent is pregnant and planning to have the baby, many changes await your family. And though it's certainly not what most moms and dads expect, it happens every day – in fact, nearly 1 million teenage girls in the United States give birth every year.

If your adolescent is about to become a mother (or your son has fathered a child), it can be overwhelming for all of you. How can you support your youngster through the challenges that lie ahead?

If you have just learned that your adolescent is having a baby, you're probably experiencing a wide range of emotions, from shock and disappointment to grief and worry about the future.

Some moms and dads feel a sense of guilt, thinking that if only they'd done more to protect their youngster this wouldn't have happened. And although some parents are embarrassed by their adolescent's pregnancy and worried about how family, friends, and neighbors will react, others are happy about the news of a soon-to-be grandchild — especially if the adolescent is older and in a mature relationship.

Whatever feelings you're experiencing, this is likely to be a difficult time for your family. The important thing is that your adolescent needs you now more than ever. Being able to communicate with each other — especially when emotions are running high — is essential. Adolescents that carry a baby to term have special health concerns, and your adolescent will have a healthier pregnancy — emotionally and physically — if she knows she doesn't have to go it alone.

So what can you do as the mother or father of an adolescent having a baby? Recognize your feelings and work through them so that you can accept and support her. Does that mean you don't have the right to feel disappointed and even angry? No. Such reactions are common. You might have a strong flood of emotions to deal with, especially at first. But the reality of the upcoming baby means that you'll have to get beyond your initial feelings for the sake of your adolescent and her youngster.

If you need help coping with your feelings about the situation, talk to someone you trust or seek professional counseling. A neutral third party can be a great resource at a time like this.

Just a short time ago your adolescent's biggest concerns might have been hanging out with her friends and wondering what clothes to wear. Now she's dealing with morning sickness and scheduling prenatal visits. Her world has been turned upside down.

Most unmarried adolescents don't plan on becoming pregnant, and they're often terrified when it happens. Many, particularly younger adolescents, keep the news of their pregnancies secret because they fear the anger and disappointment of their moms and dads. Some might even deny to themselves that they are pregnant — which makes it even more important for moms and dads to step in and find medical care for their adolescent as early in the pregnancy as possible. Younger adolescents' pregnancies, in particular, are considered high risk because their bodies haven't finished growing and are not yet fully mature.

Adolescent boys who are going to become fathers also need the involvement of their moms and dads. Although some boys may welcome the chance to be involved with their kids, others feel frightened and guilty and may need to be encouraged to face their responsibilities (the father is legally responsible for youngster support in every state).

That doesn't mean, however, that you should pressure your adolescent son or daughter into an unwanted marriage. Offer advice, but remember that forcing your opinions on your adolescent or using threats is likely to backfire in the long run. There's no "one size fits all" solution here. Open communication between you and your adolescent will help as you consider the future.

Even though most adolescent girls are biologically able to produce healthy babies, whether they do often depends on whether they receive adequate medical care — especially in those critical early months of pregnancy.

Adolescents that receive proper medical care and take care of themselves are more likely to have healthy babies. Those who don't receive medical care are at greater risk for:

• anemia
• fetal death
• high blood pressure
• labor and delivery complications (such as premature labor and stillbirth)
• low birth-weight infant

The earlier your adolescent gets prenatal care, the better her chances for a healthy pregnancy, so bring her to the doctor as soon as possible after finding out she's pregnant. If you need help finding medical care, check with social service groups in the community or at your youngster's school.

Your adolescent's health care provider can tell her what to expect during her pregnancy, how to take care of herself and her growing baby, and how to prepare for life as a mother or father.

Medical Care—

At her first prenatal visit, your adolescent will probably be given a full physical exam, including blood and urine tests. She'll be screened for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and for exposure to certain diseases, such as measles, mumps, and rubella.

Her health care provider also will discuss:

• how often prenatal visits should be scheduled
• how to deal with some of the uncomfortable side effects of pregnancy, like nausea and vomiting
• what changes she can expect in her body
• what she may be feeling physically and emotionally

Knowing what to expect can help alleviate some of the fears your adolescent may have about being pregnant. Her health care provider will probably prescribe a daily prenatal vitamin to make sure she gets enough folic acid, iron, and calcium. Folic acid is especially important during the early weeks of pregnancy, when it plays a role in the healthy development of the neural tube (the structure that develops into the brain and spinal cord).

Lifestyle Changes—

Your adolescent's health care provider will talk about the lifestyle changes she'll have to make for the health of her baby, including:

• avoiding excess caffeine (too much caffeine has been linked to an increased risk of miscarriage)
• avoiding risky sexual behaviors (such as having unsafe sex)
• eating right
• getting enough rest
• not drinking (alcohol causes mental and physical birth defects)
• not smoking (smoking while pregnant increases the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, low birth weight, and sudden infant death syndrome)
• not using drugs (drugs are associated with pregnancy complications and fetal death)

If your adolescent smokes or uses alcohol or other drugs, her health care provider can offer ways to help her quit.

Nutrition—

Fast food, soft drinks, sweets — adolescent diets are notoriously unbalanced. Eating well greatly increases your adolescent's chances of having a healthy baby, so encourage her to maintain a well-balanced diet that includes plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads (use the U.S. Department of Agriculture's MyPlate as a guide).

Important nutrients include:

• calcium (milk and other dairy products)
• folic acid (green leafy vegetables, beans, peas, fortified cereals
• iron (lean red meats, spinach, iron-fortified cereals)
• proteins (lean meat, fish, poultry, egg whites, beans, peanut butter, tofu)

Drinking plenty of water is essential, too.

Pregnancy is not the time for your adolescent to go on a diet. When pregnant, some adolescents might be tempted to counter normal pregnancy weight gain by cutting calories or exercising excessively — both of which can seriously harm their babies. If you suspect that your adolescent has an unhealthy preoccupation with her weight, talk to her health care provider.

Exercise—

If your adolescent was physically fit before getting pregnant and is not experiencing any pregnancy complications, her health care provider will probably encourage her to continue exercising.

Most women benefit from getting some exercise during pregnancy, although they might have to modify their activity. Low-impact exercises, such as walking and swimming, are best. Have your adolescent discuss her exercise plans with her health care provider early on.

Stress—

Most adolescents enter parenthood unprepared for the stress a new baby brings, and many experience frustration, resentment, and even anger toward their newborns — which may explain why adolescent moms and dads are at higher risk for abusing and neglecting their babies.

You may want to talk with your adolescent's doctor to discuss ways you can help her manage her stress levels so that she can better cope with changes in her life. She also may want to spend some time with other moms and dads of newborns to get a better sense of what caring for a baby involves.

Prenatal Classes—

Your adolescent's health care provider will probably recommend that she take classes on pregnancy, giving birth, and parenting. These classes (some of which are held just for adolescents) can help prepare her for the practical side of parenthood by teaching skills such as feeding, diapering, youngster safety, and other basic baby care techniques.

Preparing for New Responsibilities—

Many practical issues must be considered. Will your adolescent keep the baby or consider adoption? If she keeps it, will she raise the baby herself? Will she continue to go to school? Will the father be involved in the baby's life? Who will be financially responsible for the baby?

The answers to these questions often depend on the support your adolescent receives. Some adolescents raise their youngster alone, some have the involvement of the baby's father, and some rely on their families for support.

As a mother or father, you need to think about your own level of involvement and commitment and discuss it with your adolescent. How much support — financial and otherwise — are you willing and able to offer? Will your adolescent and her youngster live with you? Will you help pay for food, clothing, doctor visits, and necessary items like a car seat and stroller? Can you assist with youngster care while your adolescent is at school and/or work? A social worker or counselor can help you and your adolescent sort through some of these issues.

If at all possible, it's best for adolescents that are pregnant to finish school so they can get better jobs and create a better life for themselves and their babies. This is no easy task — 60% to 70% of all pregnant adolescents drop out of school. And going back after quitting is especially hard, so try to offer your adolescent the support she needs to stay in school — both she and the baby will benefit. Check for school and community programs that offer special services for adolescent mothers, such as youngster care, rides, or tutoring.

Help your adolescent understand that as rewarding as having a youngster is, it isn't always fun — caring for a baby is a huge responsibility and a lifelong commitment. Prepare your adolescent for the reality that she won't have as much time for the things she used to do — that her life is about change and the baby will take priority.

As a mother or father, you can have a great impact on your adolescent's life and on her baby's. You may still wish that she had made different choices. But by supporting your adolescent, making sure she gets good prenatal care, and listening as she shares her fears and anxieties, both of you may find that you're better moms and dads in the long run.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Child Is Rejected By Peers

Your 12-year-old daughter comes home angry as a hornet because her “friends” are suddenly leaving her out and spreading rumors about her. She's upset and confused, because it seemed to just happen out of the clear blue. She doesn't know what she said or did to deserve this treatment, and she states that she is apprehensive about returning to school, unsure if she has any friends.

You, her parent, are not sure what to do about this dilemma. You've heard about children being snubbed, teased and bullied at school, but you didn't think it could happen to your child.

Given how common cliques are throughout middle and high school, at some point your youngster is likely to face the prospect of being in one or being excluded from them. There's little you can do to shield children from cliques, but plenty you can do to help them maintain confidence and self-respect while negotiating cliques and understanding what true friendship is all about.

Friendship is an important part of children's development. Having friends helps them be independent beyond the family and prepares them for the mutual, trusting relationships we hope they'll establish as grown-ups.

Groups of friends are different from cliques in some important ways. Friendships grow out of shared interests, sports, activities, classes, neighborhoods, or even family connections. In groups of friends, members are free to socialize and hang out with others outside the group without worrying about being cast out. They may not do everything together — and that's OK.

Cliques sometimes form around common interests, but the social dynamics are very different. Cliques are usually tightly controlled by leaders who decide who is "in" and who is "out." The children in the clique do most things together. Someone who has a friend outside the clique may face rejection or ridicule.

Members of the clique usually follow the leader's rules, whether it's wearing particular clothes or doing certain activities. Cliques usually involve lots of rules — implied or clearly stated — and intense pressure to follow them. Children in cliques often worry about whether they'll continue to be popular or whether they'll be dropped for doing or saying the wrong thing or for not dressing in a certain way. This can create a lot of pressure, particularly for females, who might be driven to extreme dieting and eating disorders or even to ask for plastic surgery. Others may be pressured to take risks like steal, pull pranks, or bully other children in order to stay in the clique. Children also can be pressured into buying expensive clothing or getting involved in online gossip and teasing.

Cliques are often at their most intense in middle school and junior high, but problems with cliques can start as early as 4th and 5th grades.

For most children, the pre-adolescent and adolescent years are a time to figure out how they want to fit in and how they want to stand out. It's natural for children to occasionally feel insecure, long to be accepted, and hang out with the children who seem more attractive, cool, or popular.

But cliques can cause long-lasting trouble when:

• a youngster is rejected by a group and feels ostracized and alone
• a group becomes an antisocial clique or a gang that has unhealthy rules, such as weight loss or bullying others based on looks, disabilities, race, or ethnicity
• children behave in a way they feel conflicted about or know is wrong in order to please a leader and stay in the group

What Can Parent Do?

As children navigate friendships and cliques, there's plenty moms and dads can do to offer support. If your youngster seems upset, or suddenly spends time alone when usually very social, ask about it.

Here are some tips:

1. Find stories they can relate to. Many books, TV shows, and movies portray outsiders triumphing in the face of rejection and send strong messages about the importance of being true to your own nature and the value of being a good friend, even in the face of difficult social situations. For school-age children, books like "Blubber" by Judy Blume illustrate how quickly cliques can change. Older children and teens might relate to movies such as "Mean Girls," "Angus," "The Breakfast Club," and "Clueless."

2. Foster out-of-school friendships. Get children involved in extracurricular activities (e.g., art class, sports, martial arts, horse riding, language study) or any other activity that gives them an opportunity to create another social group and learn new skills.

3. Help put rejection in perspective. Remind your youngster of times she has been angry with parents, friends, or siblings — and how quickly things can change.

4. Shed some light on social dynamics. Acknowledge that kids and teenagers are often judged by the way they look, act, or dress, but that often individuals act mean and put others down because they lack self-confidence and try to cover it up by maintaining control.

5. Talk about your own experiences. Share your own experiences of school — cliques have been around for a long time!

If your youngster is part of a clique and one of the children is teasing or rejecting others, it's important to address that right away. With popular TV shows from talent contests to reality series glorifying rude behavior, it's an uphill battle for families to promote kindness, respect, and compassion.

Discuss the role of power and control in friendships and try to get to the heart of why your youngster feels compelled to be in that position. Discuss who is in and who is out, and what happens when children are out (are they ignored, shunned, bullied?). Challenge children to think and talk about whether they're proud of the way they act in school.

Ask educators, guidance counselors, or other school officials for their perspective on what is going on in and out of class. They might be able to tell you about any programs the school has to address cliques and help children with differences get along.

Here are some ways to encourage children to have healthy friendships and not get too caught up in cliques:

1. Find the right fit — don't just fit in. Encourage children to think about what they value and are interested in, and how those things fit in with the group. Ask questions like: What is the main reason you want to be part of the group? What compromises will you have to make? Is it worth it? What would you do if the group leader insisted you act mean to other children or do something you don't want to do? When does it change from fun and joking around, to teasing and bullying?

2. Provide the big-picture perspective. As hard as cliques might be to deal with now, things can change quickly. What's more important is making true friends (i.e., friends they can confide in, laugh with, and trust). The real secret to being "popular" is for them to be the kind of friend they'd like to have (e.g., respectful, fair, supportive, caring, trustworthy, kind, etc.).

3. Keep social circles open and diverse. Encourage children to be friends with people they like and enjoy from different settings, backgrounds, ages, and interests. Model this yourself as much as you can with different ages and types of friends and acquaintances.

4. Speak out and stand up. If they're feeling worried or pressured by what's happening in the cliques, encourage your children to stand up for themselves or others who are being cast out or bullied. Encourage them not to participate in anything that feels wrong, whether it's a practical joke or talking about people behind their backs.

5. Stick to your likes. If your youngster has always loved to play the piano but suddenly wants to drop it because it's deemed "uncool," discuss ways to help resolve this.

6. Take responsibility for your own actions. Encourage sensitivity to others and not just going along with a group. Remind children that a true friend respects their opinions, interests, and choices, no matter how different they are. Acknowledge that it can be difficult to stand out, but that ultimately children are responsible for what they say and do.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"Best-of" Disciplinary Strategies for Defiant Children and Teens

No one discipline technique can be relied upon for all situations. The wise mother or father develops a functional set of skills suited to different situations. Remember that the best discipline is “prevention,” and there is "no one size fits all" when it comes to promoting positive behavior and self-responsibility – and responding to unacceptable behaviors.

Below is a summary of the most effective disciplinary techniques for the oppositional, defiant child.

Effective discipline:

• advances development

• encourages self-responsibility

• is proactive

• promotes positive behavior and self-control

• protects and strengthens the youngster's self-esteem

• responds to unacceptable behavior and a lack of self-control

• strengthens the parent-youngster relationship

Basic disciplinary techniques include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. "I-Message": It is more helpful to try to make kids aware of how we feel, but leave responsibility for behavioral change with the youngster. A proper "I-message" identifies: the behavior; how it makes you feel; and a concrete impact this has on your life. For example, "When the music is on that loud I get upset because I can't hear the person I'm talking to on the phone."

2. Attention-ignore: Catch kids being good! Kids repeat behaviors that get attention; they give up behaviors that get no attention.

3. Charts and Rewards: If not overused, the handy chart posted on the refrigerator (or elsewhere) can help establish good behavior patterns.

4. Consequences: Consequences can be of two types: those that happen if you do nothing and those that you arrange. For example, if a youngster willfully or carelessly breaks a toy, the youngster no longer has that toy to play with. If the youngster hits another with a toy, you may take that toy away. Both are consequences of the youngster's actions.

5. Encouragement: Encouragement is a means to promote positive behavior and some argue that it is more effective than praise or reward. It implies reasonable expectations (one step at a time), and that we accept the youngster's mistakes, as well the successes.

6. Modifying the environment: This refers to steps the parent takes to change or structure the youngster's environment in a way that helps the youngster to succeed at tasks and remain safe. Be creative in how you organize, enhance, sooth, redirect, and childproof the environment to help promote the youngster's self-control.

7. Role modeling: Kids learn more about behavior by watching adults than in any other way.

8. Rules: Indeed rules are useful for providing predictability, consistency, and stability. They can be used for a variety of reasons that range from preventing problems from happening to responding to them when they do occur.

9. Setting limits: Kids need to know where the limits are and that these limits stay the same all the time. They feel secure when they know where the boundaries are. They test them frequently to find out.

10. Time out: Sometimes kids need time to calm down and collect themselves. (Adults do to!) Used sparingly, with consistency and repetition, it must be viewed as teaching the youngster, not punishing.

Moms and dads need the following skills to be effective with discipline:

1. An understanding of development & the factors that affect development

2. An understanding of the goals of effective discipline

3. An understanding of the meaning of behavior

4. Confidence

5. Determination

6. Effective communication

7. Friendly firmness

8. Genuineness and concern

9. Openness

10. Patience

11. Separateness

When considering what disciplinary method to use, moms and dads need to think about the following factors:

1. Factors affecting our ability & willingness to respond effectively

2. Our feelings about the behavior

3. Our relationship with the youngster

4. The behavior itself

5. The purpose we assign to the behavior

6. The youngster

7. Where the behavior is occurring

8. Who is present in the setting

Encouragement—

1. Focus on contributions and appreciation, not judgments (e.g., “I appreciate the help you gave me. Your hard work sure did help the family.” vs. “What a good job you did!”).

2. Focus on effort and improvement, not winning or competition (e.g., “I can see the progress you've made. You have really been practicing hard.” vs. “I'm so proud of you for winning!”).

3. Focus on internal evaluation, not external (e.g., “You must be very proud of yourself. How do you think you are doing?” vs. “I'm so proud of you.”).

Ground Rules for Ignoring Misbehavior—

Many moms and dads don't realize that even scolding and yelling are forms of attention. Kids would rather have unpleasant attention than no attention at all. Therefore, when you get angry and punish kids you may actually be teaching them to do the exact things you don't want them to do. Ignoring behavior is simply pretending that the behavior is not occurring. The parent does not look at, talk to, or respond to the youngster until the inappropriate behavior ends.

There are three basic guidelines for ignoring:

• Be consistent with your approach. Ignoring once, and paying attention the next time, will likely increase the intensity of the behavior. The youngster will think he or she must escalate the behavior in order for you to respond. Expect the intensity of the behavior to increase before it decreases.

• Give the youngster no recognition when exhibiting unacceptable behavior. Don't have eye contact, physical contact, or in any way acknowledge the youngster.

• Recognize the youngster as soon as the unacceptable behavior stops. Ignoring must always be combined with supporting and encouraging positive behaviors.

Points to remember:

• Ignoring does not always render immediate results.

• Ignoring is difficult.

• Other adults and kids in the family (and community) may continue to recognize the behavior, jeopardizing the success of the technique.

• There are situations where ignoring would NOT be appropriate (behaviors that could harm the youngster, others or property, and those that are not motivated by the desire to create a reaction).

Charts—

Some moms and dads like to use charts to instill good habits in their kids. You could, for example, use a chart for brushing teeth. Even the youngster too young to read understands a star. Rewards can be given for the achievement of a certain number of stars.

Suggestions for using charts include:

• Determine ahead how to end their use. For example, a youngster needs to learn how to brush her teeth without a reward.

• Don't overdo charts.

• Keep them small and simple.

• Use them for one behavior at a time.

Rewards—

Rewards do not have to be part of a behavior modification technique. Rewards can be used to express approval for certain behaviors or actions. Rewards are positive responses to positive behaviors and they don't have to be tangible or concrete actions. Like praise, some moms and dads may not think about rewards as a discipline technique.

Some examples of rewards include, but are not limited to:

• Increasing responsibility is similar to granting privileges. To reward kids for keeping their room picked up, you may increasingly give them total responsibility for the care and cleaning of their room. While this involves work for them, it also says, "You are able to do this on your own. You do not need me coming in your room."

• Privileges are rewards that allow a youngster to experience greater freedom or opportunity. Privileges might involve extending bedtime, giving extra play time, or allowing a youngster to borrow or sue a valued object. They are most effective when they are connected to the behavior being recognized.

• Supporting interests and talents acknowledges the youngster's efforts in pursing interests. It is important that you reward the youngster for interest, desire, ad effort. Be clear that the behavior you are rewarding is the youngster's interest, participation, and efforts, not the youngster's performance, talent, or ability.

• Tangible rewards may be what come to mind when we hear the term reward. A tangible reward may be money or a toy. Rewards need to be small. They are "gestures" of approval. Kids should not get expensive gifts, or large sums of money as a reward. Nor should kids always get tangible rewards. You do not want to promote the sense that a youngster needs to be good in order to receive gifts. In fact, most tangible rewards have their greatest value in the praise that accompanies them.

Consequences—

Sometimes the best form of discipline is to let the youngster experience the consequences of his or her action. What happens if you fail to put gas in your car? Are you likely to forget to put gas in again? Experience really is the best educator.

Natural and logical consequences are effective ways to intervene while maintaining respect for the youngster's ability to make decisions. Consequences rely to some degree on the natural order of life itself to teach lessons about the world. In some instances you might have to arrange for a consequence to happen.

Natural consequences are things that happen in response to a behavior. No one has to make these things happen. They are often the result of the "rules of nature". For example when a youngster does not eat his dinner, he will get very hungry before he goes to bed. Sometimes a natural consequence is the result of human nature. The youngster who hits his friends will lose playmates.

A disadvantage of relying on natural consequences is that sometimes they take a long time to work. Also, young kids may have difficulty understanding them. Some natural consequences are not desirable.

Logical consequences require that the parent impose a consequence for a given behavior. The consequence connects to the behavior that is not acceptable. For example, if the youngster leaves the bike out, the parent restricts bike riding the next day.

In order for consequences to be effective you must use them correctly:

• Be calm and firm in your efforts.

• Be patient and don't jump in and "save" the youngster. It may be hard for you to watch the youngster experience the consequences. But this is necessary for the youngster to develop good self-control.

• Be sure to provide choices and allow the youngster to make the decision. For example, you may turn down the volume of your radio, or listen to it in your room without disturbing others."

• Make sure the consequence holds meaning for the youngster.

Time Out—

Time out involves physically removing a youngster from a situation that is dangerous and/or a situation where the youngster is exhibiting behavior that is not acceptable. The purpose of time out is to allow the youngster to reestablish self-control, to end unacceptable behavior, and to provide an opportunity to think about behavior and its impact.

Time out is not punishment. It is simply providing the youngster an opportunity to regain control of his or her behavior. You are helping in that process by removing the youngster from the situation or the stimulation that brought about the loss of control. If you are angry or yelling, it is doubtful that the time out will be effective. Some basic guidelines for using time out include:

• Take time to gain your composure and self-control.

• Give the youngster an opportunity to change the behavior.

• If this effort fails, tell the youngster where to go for a time out.

• Select a quiet and safe time out area away from other stimuli.

• Tell the youngster how long the time out will be, but explain that you will only begin timing when the youngster becomes quiet.

• Ignore the youngster's behavior while in time out.

• Focus the youngster on a positive activity after the time out.

Rules—

There are many ways and opportunities to convey our expectations to kids. Talking to kids and clearly conveying expectations involves communication skills. Modeling the type of behavior you expect is also important. Rules can be used as a means to convey expectations.

Rules can be used to:

• eliminate a lot of discussion and decision-making about ordinary life events

• help make the world feel safe and predictable

• prevent problems from happening

• replace ineffective ways of dealing with situations

• respond to problems that happen repeatedly

The following are guidelines to consider in using rules:

• Be consistent.

• Involve family members in setting rules.

• Make only those rules that you are confident you can enforce over time.

• Make rules clear.

• Make rules positive and action oriented. Save "don't" for specific safety situations.

• Make sure kids understand the exceptions to the rule.

• Make sure kids understand the reasons or rationale for the rule.

• Make sure rules "grow" with the youngster.

• Make sure the rule addresses the issue it is intended to address.

• Prioritize and establish a few rules that are most important to the well-being and safety of the family.

Modifying the Environment—

Modifying the environment can be supportive in helping kids develop self-control. It is precautionary in that it attempts to prevent difficulties from arising. It is reactive in that it can be done in response to a problem.

The following list includes techniques for building success into the youngster's environment. Think of some concrete examples or ideas for every category that you may use. You can be creative in how you wish to modify the environment to help promote the youngster's self-control.

• CHILDPROOFING is something you probably do and don't even think about it. This is critical in terms of making the youngster's world safe. If you are concerned about the youngster breaking something, it is best to put it away. It is the job of the toddler to grab and explore. Help the youngster do that job well. Don't be concerned that the toddler will be unable to learn not to touch or break things. It would be impossible for you to control the youngster's entire environment to the extent that the youngster would never be exposed to forbidden items.

• ENHANCING the environment involves those activities that make the youngster's world full of age-appropriate and interesting items. Posters, books, wall hangings, and toys enhance the youngster's environment. This helps kids learn how to spend time alone, occupy themselves, develop hobbies, focus, and concentrate.

• ORGANIZING helps kids learn how to sort, pick up, and find their own things. Organizing increases the youngster's ability to accomplish self-care tasks.

• REDIRECTING does not restrict activities, but rather structures them to occur in a different way. Establishing certain rooms for certain activities is one way to redirect. Exchanging a safe item for an unsafe one is another way.

• SOOTHING is a technique used most often with babies, particularly babies who are born cocaine-affected. Essentially sources of stimulation are removed from the environment. These may include light, noise, activity, bright colors, etc.

Do time outs in a firm, matter-of-fact way. As with other forms of discipline, consistency and repetition are crucial. If you find yourself using time out very often, you need to reexamine your expectations. Maybe they are unrealistic for a youngster that age. Time out should be used sparingly or it will cease to be effective. If you decide to use it, select a single behavior and use it for that behavior.

Time out can be an effective tool for anyone feeling overwhelmed or angry. But, we know it will not be an effective tool with a youngster if it is used in anger. There will always be situations where you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings. It may be helpful to you to think about whether you need to give a time out to the youngster, or take a time out for yourself.

Reasons Kids Lie—

1. To achieve power

2. To appear more important, glamorous and exciting to others

3. To avoid creating an awkward situation

4. To avoid feeling trapped, embarrassed and/or threatened

5. To avoid punishment

6. To avoid rejection

7. To belong

8. To challenge authority

9. To compensate for not having the factual information

10. To conceal an unintended mistake

11. To deny painful feelings and/or memories

12. To experience fun/excitement

13. To fulfill someone's expectations

14. To fulfill wishes

15. To get something which couldn't be gotten otherwise

16. To increase one's status

17. To protect friends from trouble

18. To protect oneself from harm

19. To protect privacy

20. To test the limits

Lying—

I. Responding to Lying:

A. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are my feelings/responses a clue to why the youngster might behave this way?

2. Are there certain situations in which this behavior seems to occur?

3. Should I gather more information about the situation before I react?

4. What might be the reason for lying?

5. What need(s) might the youngster be attempting to meet?

6. Are my actions encouraging the youngster to lie?

• Am I invading the youngster's privacy?
• Am I overprotective?
• Are the rules too strict?
• Do I tell lies in front of the youngster?

B. In response to the reason for lying, consider doing one or more of the following:

1. Assist the youngster in meeting underlying needs without addressing the lie (e.g., by exploring alternatives, problem-solving, etc.).

2. Don't overreact to the behavior by calling the youngster a liar.

3. Explain how lying affects trust and how hard it is for people who live together to get along without trust.

4. Focus on solutions to problems instead of blame.

5. Give the youngster accurate information so the youngster won't have to rely on imagination to fill in any gaps.

6. Help kids to understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn so that they won't believe they are bad and need to conceal their mistakes.

7. Ignore the lie and show appreciation when the youngster does not lie to meet a specific need.

8. Respect kid's privacy when they don't want to share it with you.

9. Set rules and be consistent in enforcing them if the youngster is testing your response to certain behaviors.

10. Use an I-message to share your feelings about his or her behavior and to describe the effects of it on you and others.

11. Use consequences related to the original wrongdoing.

12. Use reflective listening to show your understanding of the youngster's underlying needs.

II. Planning Ahead to Prevent /Reduce Future Problems:

A. Be certain the youngster understands that you do not accept lying and the reasons why.

B. Build and help maintain the conditions for positive self-esteem.

C. Distinguish between what you would like to know about the youngster's behavior and what you have to know.

D. Don't ask set-up questions that invite lying.

E. Establish and clearly communicate expectations, limits and rules and make sure you enforce them.

F. Focus on building closeness, openness and trust in your relationships instead of on the problem behaviors.

G. Let kids know they are unconditionally loved.

H. Look at lying as a developmental phenomenon.

I. Model honesty.

J. Rather than focusing on trapping the youngster in a lie, develop a trusting relationship by focusing on the reason for the lie.

K. Remember that who the youngster is now is not who he or she will be forever. Don't overreact and expect that the youngster will lead a life filled with antisocial behavior. Remember that kids will behave as they are expected to.

L. Set an example in telling the truth. Talk about times when it may have been difficult for you to tell the truth, but you decided it was more important to deal with the consequences and to maintain your self-respect.

M. Show appreciation when the youngster tells the truth. For example, "Thanks for telling me the truth. I know it must be hard. I like the courage you show in being willing to face the consequences. I know you can handle them and learn from them too."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Oppositional Defiant Teens