How To Raise Responsible Teens: Everything Parents Need To Know

The thought of raising adolescents often comes with fear and trembling accompanied by visions of raging hormones and slamming doors. In a world that often teaches us to "watch out for number one," it can be a challenge to raise responsible teenagers.

Below are THE BEST TIPS to follow that will help moms and dads provide opportunities for their teenagers to develop responsible behaviors:

1. Adolescence is a time when teens move quickly from being dependent where they look up to you and usually want to please, to becoming independent and wanting to make their own decisions and think for themselves. This path is not always smooth because the changes can be hard to cope with for both you and your adolescent. This is a time for moms and dads to gradually help adolescents to take responsibility for themselves. During adolescence your teens may seem to temporarily reject your values and it is easy to become frustrated and distressed and feel that you have lost your influence and control over your teens. Shouting, stubbornness, irrational behavior, sulkiness and crying can be expected from time to time as they 'test out the waters', try new ways of managing their lives, and deal with the ups and downs of teenage life. It can be a difficult time for everyone and requires consideration and patience on all sides.

2. Adolescents need some rules and limits. It works best if you can work these out together with your adolescent so that she feels she has some choice. This means there is more chance of her being responsible.

3. Adolescents usually have more than enough social outlets. They need boundaries and safe, secure situations in which to grow. You are the provider of both, and when you act like a friend, your adolescent will lose security. Adolescents who view their moms and dads as authority figures and providers are more likely to be close to them in adulthood. Despite what appearances might suggest, adolescents do not respect moms and dads who behave like adolescents. Relating to your adolescent, based on your own experiences, can be a successful method of working through challenging situations, but at no time should you lose your parental status.

4. Allow for some risk taking, but also keep your adolescent's safety in mind. You need to have some rules that protect your adolescent's safety away from home and some for how she behaves in the home.

5. Ask yourself how important it is to 'win' the battle. Focus on the important things and learn to overlook minor ones.

6. At times, you may feel like the enemy, and your adolescent might actually refer to you as such. No matter how hurt you may feel, it is important to remain the one person who consistently stands by your adolescent. Peers and educators will come and go. But you will always be the mother or father. By establishing rules and consequences, you’re the one person in your adolescent’s life that holds him accountable no matter what. Even if we don’t like authority figures in our lives, they typically establish order and security.

7. Authority and mutual respect are essential. You have to mean what you say and stick to your guns. If your adolescent is grounded for two weeks, then make sure he stays home the full two weeks. Without follow through, adolescents won’t get the message and will continue to test you.

8. Be generous in times of stress (e.g., exams or a romance break-up). It will be appreciated.

9. Be mindful that limits for 13-year-olds are not suitable for 16-year-olds and are far less suitable for 18-year-olds.

10. Before you jump in and react, look for the cause. Listen first to what your adolescent has to say.

11. Continually reminding your adolescent of past mistakes is not helpful. It is important to give your adolescent a chance to try again after a mistake. Mistakes are how we all learn.

12. Don't decide on rules in the middle of a crisis, especially if your adolescent is in trouble for doing something wrong.

13. Don't store up bad feelings from the last time your adolescent broke the rules.

14. Every teenager should feel some discomfort. Your adolescent should have to deal with whatever results from his behavior as long as it’s fair, reasonable, and directly related. At the same time, don’t set up rules and regulations that might put him in danger. For example, if his curfew is midnight, don’t require him to speed in order to make it home on time. As long as he calls ahead and doesn’t bend the curfew consistently, give him some leeway with the exact minute he has to be back.

15. Expect and insist on a fair share in helping with chores so that your adolescent learns to contribute, feels a part of the family and shares the load.

16. Gradually remove the limits as your adolescent takes over the reins of her own life.

17. If behavior seems to be getting out of control or there is violence, you need to get support.

18. It’s essential to make sure your adolescent knows that you love him despite anything he does. Even greater, you love him enough to not let him develop behaviors that may be harmful to him or anyone else. Direct your criticisms and comments at the behavior, not the adolescent. If your adolescent fails a course due to lack of effort, don’t use phrases like “You’re lazy” or “You’ll never do well because you don’t try.” While you may even feel that these thoughts are accurate at the time, they only condemn and don’t solve the real issue. Focus on the behavior that created the problem such as not studying or not asking for needed help. Be sure to express that you’re not only confident that the behavior can change, but you’re expecting it to change. Then work together on specific restrictions and actions that need to take place for the behavior to improve.

19. It’s not funny when your adolescent messes up, particularly when you’re left to clean up the mess. Losing your sense of humor won’t help. It may not seem funny at the time, but most challenging situations can eventually be viewed in a comical way. If your adolescent feels comfortable laughing and joking with you regularly, he’ll also be more likely to listen when you get serious.

20. Just because rules are broken does not mean there shouldn't be any rules. When rules are broken, there needs to be some consequence, but this has to be carefully thought about.

21. Look after yourself. Get support, talk to others and give yourself a 'break' without feeling guilty.

22. Moms and dads may feel that they put in a lot of effort with their adolescent and they are often hurt when even the most reasonable agreements are not kept. This is normal and part of your adolescent testing. It is wiser not to over-react.

23. Moms and dads want to be respected but don’t always return that respect by listening to their adolescent. Not listening to your adolescent expresses that you don’t feel he has anything valuable to say. Even when disagreeing, adolescents should be given time to express their feelings and thoughts. This shouldn’t give an adolescent the right to be ugly or behave inappropriately, of course. Modeling and developing guidelines for how argumentative ideas should be expressed is essential. If you want to be heard, learn to listen.

24. Most teens simply “shut down” when the parent gets “pissed” and starts yelling at them. Sometimes moms and dads only punish once they have reached the end of their patience. In reality, this allows adolescents to misbehave for a period of time before suffering any consequences. Not only is this confusing, it can also lead to abuse. Dealing with an adolescent emotionally often produces dramatic immediate effects, but ultimately it creates a communication wall in the relationship. Consistent parenting prevents punishing in anger and rage. Stepping away from the situation to recover emotionally also proves helpful.

25. Often you need to do things together on their terms. Listen to their ideas without trying to force your ideas on them. Take an interest in what is important to them and you will have a good baseline to work from.

26. Regarding chores, expect that you will often have to remind him and that in his eyes he is "the only one doing anything" and that he "has done heaps already!"

27. Remember even when you love your adolescents you can still get angry and dislike what they do at times.

28. Save grounding for the worst violations (e.g., staying out past curfew, hanging out in places you haven’t approved, harming others, doing something illegal, etc.). Restrict privileges (e.g., using the car or computer) for less serious offenses like neglecting schoolwork or not filling the gas tank. The most minor errors, such as letting dirty laundry pile up, may simply mean your adolescent won’t have clean clothes to wear.

29. Set consequences that can be quickly completed and then give your adolescent a chance to try again (e.g., "You came home very late after we agreed on a time, so tomorrow I will pick you up" or "Tomorrow you will have to stay home").

30. Show your adolescent how to earn freedom. Tell her: “You are responsible for what you choose to do and for what happens to you and others as a result of your decisions and actions.” It’s your adolescent’s choice. The more she proves to be responsible (i.e., dependable and honest), the more freedom you can give her. If she violates your trust by acting irresponsibly, you take away some of that freedom. For instance, if she gets a speeding ticket, take away her license until she rebuilds your trust. The two of you should collaborate on how she can begin to earn back your confidence. If moms and dads start from the assumption that their kids are honest and responsible, adolescents will want to live up to that trust. But don’t assume children will figure things out on their own.

31. Some of life’s greatest lessons result from failing. Moms and dads who micromanage their adolescents because they are afraid of their adolescent failing prevent their youngster from developing important life skills. As much as you don’t want to have to discipline your adolescent, letting him fail and living with the consequences can teach him more than your chosen discipline.

32. Some parents use a technique called “placing a guilt-trip.” Guilt may create an immediate response, but this style of discipline actually promotes internal emotional issues for adolescents that may not be dealt with until adulthood, if ever. Reasoning with an adolescent, providing a basis for your expectations and consequences, does not always evoke an immediate response, but the long-term results are typically more positive.

33. Trusting your adolescent is an important part of your relationship. Trust has to be earned by both of you. Remind yourself that your adolescent is struggling with lots of new feelings and his behavior could be showing genuine unhappiness which needs your concern.

34. Try to find out from other moms and dads what limits they are setting and remember that if you are too far away from what their friends' moms and dads are doing, you will have much more difficulty in getting your adolescent to cooperate with you.

35. Understand that what works for one teenager might not work for another.

36. What you say to yourself makes all the difference in how you cope with teenage problems. If you think, "Why should I have to put up with this behavior?" you are more likely to act in a way that drags out the battle, than if you think, "My son is struggling at the moment and I need to work out the best way to sort this out".

37. Whatever you decide in the way of disciplinary measures, know that your adolescent is likely to see it as punishment and be resentful – but if you don't take any action, you are making it more difficult for yourself next time.

38. Whenever possible, the discipline should be reflective of wrongdoing. For example, if an adolescent returns home after curfew, limiting his nights out temporarily would be appropriate. An adolescent that doesn’t complete school work might be required to miss a social event to complete the work. If the adolescent misses the social event as a consequence, but doesn’t actually do school work, the consequences don’t make sense and just seem spiteful.

39. While all kids need consistent discipline, it’s even more important for adolescents. They get frustrated when a behavior is acceptable one day and not acceptable the next. The established rules need specific consequences. Realistic and consistent consequences demonstrate a “real world” view for adolescents. Creating house rules with consequences, then responding appropriately, provides all kids with security and direction.

40. Work on your relationship with your teenager first, because no discipline will be successful unless this is the basis. Having a good relationship takes time.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: How To Effectively Discipline Unruly Teenagers

Does Your Child or Teenager Have a “Sense of Entitlement”?

Walk through any high school hallway or shopping mall lobby and you’ll see them: teenagers with iPhones or Droids in hand, sitting at tables with laptops, or maybe even the new iPad. 

Today’s teens are drowning in the digital age, and some say the teenagers have an “I deserve it – and you owe me” attitude. As more and more digital “toys” enter the scene, moms and dads increase complaints about a “sense of entitlement” some teenagers seem to have, a belief that they deserve - or should simply have - the latest and greatest offerings available.

In the post-modern period, teenagers have typically begun to display a sense of entitlement that their moms and dads can't understand. Teenagers born in the 1990s, for example, were born into a world of personal computers, cable television, compact disc players and other technological advances. Many parents have showered their kids with these wonderful toys and gifts. As a result, today's teenagers now feel entitled to all these devices and other privileges as a matter of course and not because of hard work or sacrifice. The adolescent may seem spoiled in comparison to older generations.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Signs and symptoms of entitlement include:

• Expecting a certain standard of living without work or effort
• Feeling entitled to move back home with parents because being an adult is “too hard”
• Feeling justified in supporting their lifestyle on credit, and expecting parents to “help” pay their bills
• Kids and teens who “must have” the latest fads and fashions
• Older teens entering the workforce feel entitled to start at the top
• Older teens who feel they should be given handouts until they find jobs that “suit” them
• Teens feel entitled to a new car when they turn 16
• Older teens who just don’t like their jobs feel entitled to quit and collect unemployment

When children have a sense of entitlement, they don’t see the world in real terms. When money and material goods have been handed to them their whole lives, they won’t have the idea that they should work to achieve their goals. Their view of the world will be, “If I want it, someone will give it to me.”

How to reduce your child’s sense of entitlement:

1. As much as we hate to admit it, spoiling is mostly about the moms and dads. We often try to compensate for what we didn't have as kids, to assure ourselves that our kids love us, or to make up for any parental guilt we feel. One mother states, "I came from a huge family and grew up wearing hand-me-downs, so I'm always buying my daughters the most stylish, matching outfits to wear to school. I know that's more about my issues than theirs!" Giving your children whatever new gadget they want as soon as they want it is also a way to show off how successful you are, both financially and as a supermom. Try to figure out where your need to spoil is coming from. Ask yourself a series of questions:

• Are you feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your children?
• Are you getting more of a kick out of this gift than your youngster is?
• Are you tired, overstressed, and trying to find a quick-fix solution?

Once you figure out what's driving your tendency to spoil your children, you'll be better able to kick the habit.

2. The first few times you stick to a new rule and say “no,” it will be painful — for you, your youngster, and everyone else within hearing distance. There will be tantrums at first, so fasten your seat belt and react to them in a very calm and neutral way. If you hold to that line every day, your youngster will learn that this is not the way to get something that he wants, and he will eventually stop. In fact, experts compare this part of the de-spoiling process to sleep-training your baby: a week or so of stress and tears, and then one blissful night your baby sleeps till morning — or your kid finally understands the word “no.”

3. Moms and dads have this illusion that if they give their kids a “reason why” they can't do what they want, the youngster will stop wanting it, but that has never happened in the history of parenting! Instead of trying to “reason” your youngster into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion." If she comes back at you with, "Why?" remind her, "In our house – that is the rule." (Note: A survey by the Center for a New American Dream found that children will ask for something an average of nine times before the moms and dads cave. So stay strong and repeat your simple "no" on the ninth, tenth, and eleventh entreaty. Eventually, your youngster will realize that her attempts are futile, and she'll move on.)

4. By now, your youngster should be behaving so wonderfully that you will be tempted to smother him with tons of treats. Luckily, there are plenty of things you can bestow in abundance without running the risk of spoiling (e.g., snuggling on the couch, reading books, saying "I love you", popping a bowl of popcorn, watching the football game, etc.). And don't forget those weekly rewards for good behavior — if your youngster has followed all the rules you set, go ahead and share an ice cream sundae or do each other's nails. Because when you strip the parent-child relationship down to its core, it's pretty simple: Most children would forgo another stuffed animal in favor of time with you. And that's something money can't buy.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. When all their other tactics fail, kids will inevitably resort to the one sentence that has been used to guilt moms and dads since that first annoying caveman next door gave his son a shiny new rock: "But all my friends have one!" Unfortunately, there is no magical response that will definitively shoot this argument down, but there are a couple of strategies that can be successful. You can say to your youngster, “That's interesting. Let's talk about it.” 

There may be a good reason for your youngster wanting what the other children have. It might be a great new game everyone is playing at recess or a new book they're all talking about. Tell your youngster that you will look into it, and see if it's something you want him to have. If the book/toy/game seems worthwhile, you can add it to his birthday list, or together you can come up with a strategy for how he can "earn" it, whether that means helping him calculate how much allowance he'll need to buy it (e.g., perhaps he needs to save half the price, and you'll kick in the rest) or suggesting it as a reward for a good report card.

6. There is a slippery slope in parenting, where the initial "If you behave, I'll buy you a treat" turns into "Here, take this treat, and hopefully you'll behave." To wean your youngster off this demand-reward pattern, you'll have to set the new rules in stone. Observe your youngster for a few days to notice when she is really being demanding and refusing to take no for an answer — whether it's with staying up past her bedtime, asking for new toys, or wanting candy. Let's say you recognize a pattern: Your daughter refuses to sit still at the dinner table unless she is promised her favorite dessert. 

The next step is to come up with a rule and a realistic consequence (e.g., taking away TV or computer privileges) for her behavior, keeping in mind your youngster's age and tolerance level. And make sure your spouse is on board with the new plan (children are experts at playing one parent off the other). Then, sit down and explain the rules to your youngster: "In our house, we get ice cream on Friday night if we have behaved at dinner all week. If there is whining for candy during dinner, you will lose the ice cream privilege." Ask your youngster to repeat it back to you to make sure she understands — or better yet, make a chart together that she can decorate with stickers each time she follows the rules.

7. While our instant-gratification culture has made life easier in many ways, it has also diluted the joy of looking forward to special experiences. Just think about the buildup of excitement you get when you plan a vacation a month away — there's the thrill of planning it, packing for it, talking to your friends about it. 

When you finally get there, the joy is magnified. But if there is no wait …no period of dreaming about it …the thrill is often less intense. When children are accustomed to getting things right away, nothing excites them anymore. The bar has been raised so high that by the time they're teens, they might start looking toward other things (e.g., alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.) for thrills. Teaching your kids to wait for fun helps them sustain focus and attention (two very important skills for success in school).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents