When Your Child's Grades Start To Drop

"My son did so good in the 6th grade, but now in middle school, he can barely bring home anything better than a C. Any suggestions?!"

Sound familiar?

When your youngster brings home that report card showing grades that are less than great (and maybe downright pitiful), sometimes it's difficult to know what to do. Do you act like it doesn't matter, have a long discussion with your son or daughter about the importance of grades, or automatically discipline them for having bad grades? While all of these may seem to be tempting options, it's important that you actually work with your children to help them start improving their grades.

If your child’s grades seem to be going down the toilet, here are 25 things you can do to “save the day”:

1. Bad grades can be a result of a variety of problems. So, the first thing to do is take stock of why you child is not getting the grades you think he/she should. Is it just because he/she is lazy or is there another problem? Are they having trouble seeing the board? Do they understand what the teacher is saying? Do they ask questions when they don’t understand? Does he/she have trouble remembering what they have learned? Do you put too much pressure on them to perform and maybe they are not as capable as you think they are? Are they bored? These are definitely questions you should be finding the answer to – without grilling the child. Simply ask them to be open with you so you can work together.

2. What worked in the past? Think about a time when your youngster got his homework done well and with no hassles. What was different? What made it work that time? Ask your youngster about it and believe what he says. See what works and motivates him instead of what motivates you.

3. Have realistic goals. When you structure your youngster’s study time to help him bring his grades back to an acceptable level, be realistic in your goals. Remember, it took time for your youngster to get behind, so you need to allow time for him to catch up. Get actively involved in your youngster’s homework by reviewing it and helping with study strategies. On occasion, try to be present during study time. If you can’t be there, try to get your youngster into in an after school program or ask another trusted grown-up to be there with them.

4. Despite the fact good study habits are, largely, a discipline we instill in our kids, we must always bear in mind that learning through play inspires kids to learn more. So, any opportunity to mix play and learning together should be taken. Hence, making learning play is a study skill. Note TV and video-computer games are not considered play since they increase anxiety and aggression.

5. Don’t restrict your youngster from ALL privileges until his grades improve. Restricting your youngster from all of his privileges until he brings his grades up usually backfires. In effect, you end up taking away something that might actually motivate him to improve. Instead, require your youngster to study for a certain amount of time each day to earn those extra privileges that evening.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Teach your child to manage interruptions. He should turn his communications off when he studies. Even better, put them out of site. If the cell phone rings or an email announces itself, what happens? Many students struggle with managing interruptions like these, and work grinds to a halt.

7. Good study skills emphasize relaxing and thinking about the challenge (brainstorming possible solutions) before tackling it. Creating a plan of attack ahead of time is often helpful to the child. In this way assignments can be simplified and completed in small, digestible bites, avoiding any overwhelming feelings.

8. Good study skills mean once homework is begun, no distractions should be allowed. This teaches kids to concentrate on their studies. Some children like to stand up and then sit down while studying. This can increase circulation and aid attention and is okay. Other kids like to put on their favorite study hat when they do homework as a physical reminder to help them concentrate on their work.

9. Give your child a bottle of water. He needs to stay topped up with enough to concentrate fully. Keep a bottle nearby, because good study habits depend on hydration.

10. Homework should be prioritized, with the most difficult tasks completed first, while the youngster is fresh and alert, or, alternatively, waiting until a parent arrives home to tackle an especially difficult problem.

11. It is important that kids begin their studies soon after arriving home, with no noise or distractions to interfere with their doing homework. A desk, adequate lighting, quiet, and a comfortable chair are a good start. Giving school studies the highest priority at home causes kids to give it a high priority in their lives.

12. Kids may have different learning styles. Some kids learn better by hearing, others by seeing a demonstration, and still others by reading. Keep in mind that your youngster may have a learning style that suits him best. Teach to his style. For deeper learning, use all three styles together.

13. Within the parameters you set around schoolwork, your youngster should be free to make his own choices. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise you won’t be helping him with his responsibilities. If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle.

14. Make sure your youngster is paying attention to the teacher. His eyes should always be on the teacher when she is talking. One way to confirm that he is paying attention is to check with the teacher. A second method is visiting the class and seeing for yourself. Another way is to make sure he is regularly answering and asking questions in class. Hence, when he arrives home, ask him about his class participation.

15. Meet with your youngster’s teacher. Call your youngster’s teacher and ask for a meeting. Tell her what you are seeing at home—and then ask what she has observed in the classroom. Ask her for any ideas she might have to help your youngster get back on track.

16. Moms and dads must use their own judgment to determine, for example, if the kids should play for a short time, after school, before commencing their homework, or if they should dive into it immediately, and how long study breaks should be. What is best will be determined by what works for your family. Remember to praise kids for work completed properly and on time. It may be that your kids will move heaven and earth to get their homework done if allowed to play right after school with their friends. Again, what works best for your family will determine your decisions. Bear in mind, however, that the later in the day school study begins, the less its importance becomes in the youngster's mind and the more likely the youngster will tire before completing it.

17. Putting difficult problems into one's own words can help a youngster understand the problem better, instead of relying on rote learning. Beware of rote learning where your youngster can repeat the solution to a problem, but doesn't understand what she is saying. Therefore, stress to her that understanding the problem is more important.

18. Regular scheduled play breaks are important. A play break can be used as a reward after a particular problem is completed correctly. In this way the completion of a difficult problem is associated with a reward, play. What's more, a play break should not involve TV or computer games, but physical movement like playing with friends or going outside to play with the dog. Video-computer games and TV increase anxiety and aggression. These activities are associated with obesity and decreased learning in school. What's more, they interfere with old fashioned play and, therefore, increase obesity.

19. Rewarding a student for good grades is a judgment call. If it works for your youngster, why not, but remember the bottom line is that our kids learn to enjoy learning for its own sake. This is why making learning fun and learning through play are such excellent study skills.

20. Set limits around homework time (e.g., weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed; if grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your youngster can focus and have more time to concentrate on his work; homework is done in a public area of your house; homework is done at the same time each night, etc.).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

21. A common problem for many children is a lack of structure in their after school schedule. Make sure sports or other clubs do not come first, with homework being fit in at the end of the day when your youngster is tired. This is not a good lesson to teach your youngster, because it gives them the message that play comes before work—and is therefore more important than work. Schoolwork has to be prioritized, and a structure has to be set up so it isn’t squeezed in at the last minute.

22. Stop the nightly fights. The way you can stop fighting with your children over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school in the future. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your youngster do his job.

23. Study habits are learned at home. Parenting means teaching our kids these skills and making them habits. Study skills are so important to good grades that some think grades really measure how well moms and dads teach their kids to study, particularly in the primary grades.

24. Take a break. If you feel yourself getting reactive or frustrated, take a break from helping your youngster with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your youngster do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

25. Talk to your youngster about what’s going on. Have a frank conversation with your youngster about his grades. Say, “Look, I’ve been letting you manage your homework on your own, but it’s not working. Now we’re going to set up a study time every day where I supervise your work. We can talk about not doing that once your grades get back up where they need to belong. But in the meantime, we have to seriously set aside some time to work on this.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Channeling Parent-Teen Conflict In A Positive Direction

When you stop participating in an argument, you send your adolescent the message that you’re in control. Though she isn’t consciously aware of this, she feels the power shift from her to you. So if she can pull you back into the argument, she can regain that control she lost.

When you walk away, you “win”—but your teenager doesn’t want that to happen, so she will try almost anything to keep it going (e.g., call you names, throw things, punch a hole in the wall, slam a door, etc.). If your teen can do something that gets you to react, she feels much better, and in many cases, she knows that if she pushes all the right buttons, you just might “give in” to get relief from the torture.

How can parents break this cycle?

Tips to channel conflict in a positive direction:

1. If the argument is over the phone or via text message, tell your adolescent that you’re done with the discussion and you will not reply anymore. Then, follow through. Turn the phone off, or unplug it if it’s a landline and get involved with something else. You can finish talking later when she returns home and things are calm again.

2. Don’t allow the crisis at hand to spill over and contaminate the rest of the relationship. It’s easy for the conflict to take over every conversation. Be willing to press the pause button—not to overlook or ignore the problem, but to have time to take a break and re-establish connections over a meal or shared moments that have nothing to do with the conflict at hand.

3. Don’t let conflicts build up—deal with them when they happen. A problem that you overlook doesn’t just go away; it becomes a building block in a wall that can grow and prevent both you and your adolescent from properly responding to future conflicts. Each one that you address and resolve provides training for future conflicts.

4. Don’t lose the “concept of we” in middle of the conflict. The relationship that you have been building with your adolescent will bear fruit over time as long as you protect it. The conflict can challenge us as moms and dads, but we need to approach it as an opportunity rather than as a sign of failure on our part. Don’t allow it to create a permanent breach in your relationship.

5. Don’t reward negative behavior. It has been shown that over time, when a behavior is no longer reinforced or rewarded, it will eventually fade away—also referred to as “extinction.” In other words, if the behavior doesn’t get what it needs to survive (your attention), it will eventually cease to exist. If you continue to feed the behavior – even just once in a while – the behavior will continue to rear its ugly head. Over time your adolescents will see that you mean it when you walk away—and they will learn they can’t pull you back in. This change in your response will lead your adolescent to find new way of coping.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Moms and dads often make the “avoidance mistake” when conflict shows itself. In other words, they break away. They stop spending time with their adolescent and avoid the conflict at all costs. That may be a reasonable tactic for a short time, until everyone has a chance to cool off and respect is restored. However, ongoing avoidance will only serve to build walls between you and your adolescent. Instead, by engaging in discussion you will let your adolescent know you’ll continue to love them and spend time together even though you are at odds.

7. When conflict emerges, it’s time to make sure that everyone knows the rules for the “fight” by setting up some basic boundaries. For example, “We’re not going to be disrespectful or dishonest with each other.” Put it into words, and back it up with consequences. Words without backbone mean very little. Let the consequences for crossing boundaries of respect speak louder than your words. And for consistency, make sure those on both sides of the conflict embrace the idea of respect, 100% of the time.

8. The teenage years are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use. Discussing these things openly with adolescents before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes. Share your family values with your adolescent and talk about what you believe is right and wrong. Know your adolescent's friends — and know their friends' moms and dads. Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all adolescents in a peer group. Moms and dads can help each other keep track of the adolescents' activities without making the adolescents feel that they're being watched.

9. Pick your battles carefully. If adolescents want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Adolescents want to shock their moms and dads, and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless. Leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol, or permanent changes to their appearance. Ask why your adolescent wants to dress or look a certain way and try to understand how your adolescent is feeling. You might also want to discuss how others might perceive them if they look different — help your adolescent understand how he or she might be viewed.

10. Put yourself in your adolescent's place. Practice empathy by helping your adolescent understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a child the next.

11. Respect your adolescent’s privacy. Some moms and dads, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their adolescents do is their business. But to help your adolescent become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your adolescent's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off. In other words, your adolescent's room, texts, e-mails, and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your adolescent to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where adolescents are going, when they'll be returning, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along! Start with trust. Let your adolescent know that you trust her. But, if the trust gets broken she may enjoy fewer freedoms until the trust is rebuilt.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

12. Adolescents will likely act unhappy with expectations their moms and dads place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If moms and dads have appropriate expectations, adolescents will likely try to meet them. Without reasonable expectations, your adolescent may feel you don't care about him.

13. Before you walk away, it’s always helpful to set a limit with your adolescent and attempt to redirect them. For example, “I’m going to go take a break. You should go listen to some music or do something to calm down.” Another example is, “Yelling at me isn’t going to get you what you want. When you calm down, we can talk more. I’ll check on you in 15 minutes and see if you’re ready.” Also, if your adolescent has younger siblings in the home, take them with you when you walk away so they don’t become a target or a pawn that your adolescent can use to pull you back into the argument. If your adolescent has older siblings, you might tell them to go to their rooms until your adolescent calms down. The smaller the audience is – the better.

14. Taking care to not heat up the fire. As you discuss your problems or conflicts, choose your words wisely. Stop saying things like, “No, I will never support that.” You’re setting yourself up for failure, and you may have to eat your words when you say that. Avoid words like “you” or “always” and speak in broader, less offensive terms. Be more open to what you will or won’t support, and pick your battles carefully. A wise parent will use the eternal perspective as a barometer for choosing which stances are worthy to fight for, and which ones may not be as important or are just a personal preference on your part. Be clear on your limits. Don’t say, “It’s your choice,” or “What do you think?” It is better to say, “Here are my limits…what I will and won’t allow in this situation.” Then, explore their needs and ideas and try to find a way to meet each other halfway, listening more and talking less.

15. The car is one of the most difficult places to get into an argument with your adolescent. The first rule is, pull over. You may not be able to walk away, but you might be able to step outside the car to get some fresh air if it’s safe to do so. Or, you can tell your adolescent you’re not going to continue on until they calm down, because it’s not safe for you to drive while they’re verbally abusing you or acting disruptive. Then, find something to do that will help you cope. This might take some planning ahead (e.g., packing a book or magazine) that you can pull out and use in these cases.

16. If you feel threatened by your adolescent and have access to a phone, you might decide to call the police. A word of caution: do not get into a physical power struggle to escape from your adolescent. Pushing against them or trying to get free may cause some adolescents to escalate. Do not call the police simply because your adolescent is being defiant. There is a difference between frustrating, blocking behavior – and threatening, unsafe behavior.

17. Sometimes you can’t walk away in the heat of an escalating argument because you’re busy (e.g., you‘re cooking dinner). Set one limit with your adolescent and then do what you can to focus your attention on the task at hand, not your adolescent. Avoid eye contact and ignore comments he makes under his breath. Find some sort of mental task to occupy your mind, such as counting or singing a song to yourself in your head. If you have a relatively compliant adolescent who will go to his room when asked, you can tell him to do so, but if your adolescent is like most, he will refuse. Since you can’t make him go, the best thing to do is not pay attention to him. The key is to avoid giving his behavior any power. Control what you can—yourself.

18. Sometimes you go to your room and your adolescent follows you. Here’s a trick: Once you walk away, say no more. Lock the door and ride out the storm. If your adolescent is screaming outside your door or pounding on it with all their might, ignore them. Do whatever you can to cope until they’ve calmed down. The second you turn that door knob to tell them to stop, you’ve given them what they wanted. Put on some headphones, turn up the TV, read a book, knit. Do whatever you have to do to focus your attention away from your adolescent’s behavior. If they damage something or call you foul names while they’re pounding on your door, give them consequences afterward, when they’ve calmed down—and stick to them. In other words, ignore their attempts to pull you in when you’re disengaging from them, but hold them accountable for anything they damage – or rules they break – later.

19. Sometimes your adolescent blocks you or clings to you. This is perhaps the most difficult situation to find yourself in when you try to walk away. It’s very important that you stay calm, use a normal tone of voice, and tell your adolescent this behavior is not okay, while redirecting them to go do something to calm down. They’re probably going to stick around, though—at least at first. Continue to remain calm and wait it out. This might mean that you literally stand there and wait. You could also let your adolescent know that they need to stop or there will be a consequence later. If your adolescent is not blocking your path, try your best to go about your business (e.g., do the dishes, read a book, surf the internet, etc.). The goal is to find some sort of task to focus on so your attention is not on your adolescent’s behavior.

20. Sometimes your adolescent trashes her own room. If your adolescent goes to her own room and starts to throw things around or screams at the top of her lungs about what a jerk you are or how much she hates you, let her. If she breaks something of her own, that’s a natural consequence. She will have to buy her own replacement or do some chores to earn the money to buy a new one. If she makes a mess of the room, she will have to clean it up later when things calm down. It’s more effective to focus on controlling yourself and your emotions rather than your adolescent’s behavior.

21. If it sounds like your adolescent is being incredibly destructive to other areas of your home, it might be a good idea to call the police instead of trying to stop him yourself. Call the non-emergency number for your local police department ahead of time to discuss how they would handle these kinds of situations if you should call them for assistance. This way, you have an idea of what you’d be getting into and you can make an informed decision.

22. If your adolescent threatens to hurt themselves or someone else, that’s another situation in which you will need to utilize some local supports (e.g., the police, a local crisis helpline). When the safety of your adolescent, or another family member, is at risk, you absolutely want to step back in there in some way and make sure everyone is safe.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

23. The stance that you take in the heat of the battle is a reflection of who you are in real life. How you communicate during conflict teaches something very important to your adolescent. The messages that you will want to convey include:

• I’ve heard your side of the argument, but for your own good, you simply need to follow the rules.
• It’s okay to not agree with everyone.
• It’s okay to not follow what everyone else is thinking.
• There are times that we have to stand up and fight.
• We can have conflict, and still remain friends.

24. Know the warning signs. A certain amount of change may be normal during the adolescent years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

• extreme weight gain or loss
• falling grades
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• run-ins with the law
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• skipping school continually
• sleep problems
• sudden change in friends
• talk or even jokes about suicide

25. Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your adolescent's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing teenager shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents