Dealing with Parental Abuse by Teens

"I need help with knowing what to do with my teenage son who has been getting physical with me (pushing, getting in my face, yelling, almost butting heads with me). I'm a single mom - he is bigger than me and obviously stronger. I'm worried!"

Teenagers may learn that by threatening, intimidating, and behaving in an abusive manner, they will effectively frighten a mother or father into doing what they want (e.g., giving in or allowing them to have their way). One teenager stated, “I know how to get out of being grounded. I just start knocking stuff off the shelves, and my mother tells me to get out of the house.”

Abusing the parent may also give a teenager (who’s feeling powerless) a sense of control. It should be noted that teenagers who threaten physical violence, push or hit their parents, or destroy property (as part of an overall pattern of violating the rights of others) have moved beyond typical teenage rebellion and into oppositional defiance and/or conduct disorder.

Moms and dads struggling with their teen’s abuse are often confused and belittled. It can be hard to discover ways to keep everyone safe, including the teenager whose behavior is posing the risk to positive family relationships and safety. It can be difficult to know how to make things better. You are not alone! Here are some stats:

• 9% of all family violence incidents recorded by police involve parents/step parents who report violence by a child/stepchild ages 12-24 years.
• Teen violence exists across all communities, social classes, cultural backgrounds and geographic areas.
• Teen violence is not just against parents. Many teenagers are also violent to their siblings.
• Teen violence often becomes a major problem between the ages of 12 and 17 years.
• Mothers are more likely to be abused than fathers.
• It is estimated that approximately 70% of perpetrators are male and 30% are female.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Listen to your own warning bells. You know when things are not right, so go with your own feelings and thoughts. You may have experienced teen violence if:

• you are ‘walking on eggshells’ trying to predict your teenager’s wants and needs
• you feel afraid of upsetting your teenager, and you change your behavior to avoid it
• your teenager blames you for his/her behavior
• your teenager constantly criticizes you and puts you down
• your teenager pushes, hits, punches or hurts you or his/her siblings, throws things or damages your possessions or those of other family members
• your teenager ridicules or tries to humiliate or embarrass you, your family or friends
• your teenager threatens to hurt you, themselves or others (e.g., children, family, friends, pets) if you do not meet his/her demands
• your teenager threatens you that he/she will leave home if you do not do what they want

Things to remember about violent behavior:

• All violence is inappropriate, and physical violence and property damage are criminal offenses.
• It won’t go away! Violence generally worsens over time.
• Teenagers may apologize after the violence, giving you a false sense of hope that things may improve. They usually need more help to change.
• The teenager will not be able to stop their violent behavior on their own. With support from others, you can help to facilitate the change.
• The violence is never an acceptable or healthy way for the teenager to solve problems in their life, their family or community.
• Violence may not happen all the time. It may occur in cycles or as isolated incidents.
• Violent behavior is the responsibility of the teenager. You did not cause the teenager to be violent.
• You are not responsible for your teenagers’ behavior.
• You don’t have to know why things are happening to enable change to happen. Even a small change may feel like an improvement in the situation.
• You may find it is difficult to deal with a violent teenager, as you are the provider and supporter for many of their needs.
• You may not want to report violent behavior to the police because you are concerned for your teenager’s future.

If you are suffering abuse at the hands of your teenage son or daughter, here are some tips:

1. Get your teen acquainted with anger. Anger is a normal reaction to frustrating circumstances. Teenagers need to understand that it's okay to feel this emotion, but it's not okay to punch a hole through a wall because of it. Moms and dads can try to sit down and talk with their teenagers (when everyone is calm) and help them recognize what kinds of situations trigger their aggression. Once they recognize the physical responses they have when they are getting angry, or when they've identified the kinds of situations that often gets them in trouble, they can better anticipate and avoid reacting negatively. Teach your teenagers techniques on how to diffuse their anger, or teach them to walk away before the situation escalates.

2. Make an honest self-assessment. Studies show that teenagers are more likely to get violent if they are also exposed to violence in the family. It's not okay to respond to bad situations with aggression, whether you are in a position of authority at home or not. It's also important to reconsider keeping firearms at home. Research shows that guns kept at home are more likely to be used against a family member or friend than against intruders. Make an honest self-assessment on how you and the other grown-ups at home respond to frustration, especially if the teen's actions are the source of frustration.

3. Present a united front. Moms and dads and other care-givers can work together on solutions for managing the problem of parent abuse whether it is directed at one or both parties.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Rebuild an appropriate parent/child relationship. Help your teen understand what you expect. Consider the use of behavior contracts and family meetings. Remove privileges when necessary and spend time together doing things you both enjoy.

5. Remind yourself that you do have inner strength and wisdom. You might not feel like it now faced with what seems like such an insurmountable problem, but you do have strength. Marshaling that strength will help you do something. It might be learning more about parent abuse, interviewing therapists, finding a support group, etc. Just doing something can help you banish the feeling of powerlessness that often comes with parent abuse.

6. Solve problems with teenagers. Moms and dads, especially those who are “overprotective,” tend to make the mistake of fixing everything for their teens. While the intention may be good, the truth is that it doesn't help teenagers develop problem-solving skills. It helps when moms and dads sit down with teenagers and problem-solve with them. Involve them in recognizing the problem, facing it squarely, and thinking about solutions and possible consequences. If the problem involves them, then it's best to make sure that they're involved in the solution as well.

7. Team up. Moms and dads must understand that they can't be with their teenagers at all times. Teenagers will never flourish and grow up to be well-adjusted citizens with their moms and dads constantly looking over their shoulders. When dealing with abusive teenagers, there are dangers that need to be addressed, and parents will not always be there to help their teenagers make the right decisions. For example, teenagers will not always listen to their mother or father about staying away from gangs and their guns. Guns are, in the eyes of teenagers, symbols of power. Teaming up with other parents, teachers, counselors, community workers and neighbors may be a more efficient way of keeping an eye on your teenagers and exposing them to positive peer influences. In a sense, it's like casting a wider net with the help of concerned and trustworthy grown-ups.

8. Think safety. Making a safety plan and calling the police, if necessary, does not mean you don’t love your teenager. We all want to protect our kids, but that protection can’t be traded against personal safety. Everyone has a right to physically and emotionally safe.

9. Understand that turning the problem around will take time. As you experiment with different resources, allow time to determine if what you are trying is really for you. If not, why not? For example, what kind of therapist do you think would work best with your family? Is it someone that values a collaborative approach? Someone that has more traditional positions on family roles and responsibilities? It is important to look for a good fit that feels comfortable.

10. You are not alone. Again, although the problem isn’t often talked about, it does exist – and it is increasingly common. Blaming is not the answer or even a useful response to the problem.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Issuing Consequences 101: Tips for Parents of Defiant Kids & Teens

A consequence is a result of something a child does. Letting kids experience the natural or logical consequences of their actions is one way to teach responsibility. A natural consequence means what happens because of something a youngster does. A logical consequence is a result arranged by the mother/father but logically related to what the youngster did. Natural and logical consequences result from choices kids make about their behavior. In effect, they choose the consequence they experience.

Sometimes the consequence which naturally or logically follows the youngster's behavior is unpleasant. By allowing kids to experience the pleasant or unpleasant consequence of their behavior, moms and dads and caregivers help kids learn what happens because of the behavior choices they made. Using consequences can be an effective discipline tool with kids three years old and older.

Natural Consequences: These are the inevitable result of a youngster's own actions. For example, despite Dad's urging him to put on his coat, Jake goes outside when it's cold without wearing a coat. The natural result is that Jake gets cold. This result is a consequence of a choice Jake made. Natural consequences are: (a) the responsibility of the youngster and (b) not administered by the mother/father.

Logical Consequences: Logical consequences happen as a result of a youngster's action, but are imposed by the mother/father. For example, 4-year-old Kylie rides her bike into the street after she was told not to. The logical consequence for Kylie's mother to impose on Kylie is to take her bike away for the rest of the morning. Logical consequences are most useful when a youngster's action could result in harm. It is important to make sure that logical consequences are reasonable and related to the problem, and to let both the youngster and the mother/father keep their self-respect.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Use Logical and Natural Consequences—

1. Identify reasons: When your youngster misbehaves, find out what he/she is doing and try to figure out why. Kids usually misbehave for these reasons: (a) because they feel inadequate, (b) to get even, (c) to get power, and (d) to get your attention.

It's important to try to understand why the youngster is misbehaving so you can take the correct action.

Michael, age 5, was playing in the yard. It was almost time to go to preschool. Mom called to Michael that he had five minutes to finish playing. Michael kept on playing because he was having fun. “One minute left,” warned Mom. His toys were still all over the yard and it was time to go.

Paying no attention to his Mother is a great way for Michael to gain power and get attention.

2. Decide whose problem it is: Some problems are the youngster's alone. When this is the case, it's often best simply to let whatever will happen, happen. As long as the consequences are not dangerous, don't interfere. This is a natural consequence. For example, if Michael were playing out in the yard when it began to rain and he would not come in, he would get wet. The natural consequence would be the discomfort of being drenched. When Michael will not put his toys away, his mother has the problem. Mom really needs Michael to put his trucks away before going to preschool. They live in an apartment complex where there are many other kids and the toys might not be there when they return. Mom has been working to help Michael be more responsible for his toys. In this case it's time to use a logical consequence.

3. Offer choices: When you want your youngster to do something or behave in a certain way, the best way is to offer a few choices. Make sure any choice you offer is one you can live with and does not harm the youngster.

“Michael, I need you to pick up the toys right now. If you don't they will have to be put away until tomorrow. I know you will want to play truck when we come home. That won't be possible unless you put them back in the house now. It's your choice.”

It's important to keep in mind that a logical consequence comes from the youngster's decision.

4. Stand firm: If the youngster chooses a consequence, follow through and don't waver. This is very important when you begin using this technique. A youngster used to getting his/her way through misbehavior may try to do the same thing as Michael thing when choosing a logical consequence.

Michael looked at Mom and continued playing. Mom said “All right, I can see you have decided not to play with your truck this afternoon.” Mom then removed the truck and put it in an out-of-reach place that Michael could see. Michael began to cry and throw dirt. Mom remained calm (it was not easy to do) and simply reminded Michael that he had made a choice.

5. Talk to your youngster about choices in a positive way: A choice given as a way to get something is far more appealing to a youngster than a warning. The actual consequence is probably the same, but a power struggle is avoided because the mother/father is positive rather than threatening.

Michael's Mom might want to rephrase her words. She might have better luck if she said, “Michael, I want you to be able to play with your truck later. Let's bring it into the house right now so you can play with it when we come home from preschool. I know you really like this truck, but if we leave it out here, it might disappear like the blue one did.”

6. Let your youngster know when she or he has done something good: As soon as a youngster corrects his behavior, let him know you think it's great. All of us respond better to praise than to criticism. Sometimes it's the only way a youngster knows he has met your expectations.

Two days later Michael was playing truck again. Now, Mom needed to go to the store and asked Michael to put the truck in the house. He ignored her for a minute, but when Mom reminded him that he was responsible for making sure the truck didn't disappear (either because he left it in the yard or because Mom put it away for a brief period of time) he picked it up and walked toward the door. Mom said, “Wow, I really like the way you're taking care of your truck. I'm proud of you!”

7. If possible, let the youngster help decide the consequence: Because the problem is the youngster's and she is in charge of the choices she makes, it's a good idea to ask her what she thinks a good consequence might be. This makes it more likely that the youngster will do what you ask. And if she chooses not to do it, she was part of the team that decided what the consequence would be.

Michael and Mom were talking about what might happen if he didn't bring in the truck. Michael understood the reason for needing to keep track of his toys and said that it might be taken away by another youngster if it were left out. Mom talked about how it would be hard to buy Michael another truck right now because trucks cost a lot of money. Michael said that if the truck disappeared, he might be able to help buy a new one with some of the money he got for his birthday. They both agreed that the best solution was to bring the truck in whenever Michael wasn't playing with it.

Kids can often come up with better consequences than their moms and dads when given the chance.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Guidelines for Using Logical Consequences—

Logical consequences are arranged by an adult but must be experienced by the youngster as a direct result of his/her behavior. To be effective, the consequence needs to fit the behavior in a logical way so that the youngster associates the consequence with the behavior choice.

1. Logical consequences acknowledge mutual rights and mutual respect.

Mother (TV is blaring): “Kayla, I realize you and Dana are enjoying your program, but your dad and I are trying to talk. Please turn down the volume or go outside. You decide which you'd rather do.”

In contrast, discipline expresses the power of personal authority.

Mother: “Kayla, turn that TV off this instant! I'm trying to talk to your father.”

2. Logical consequences are related to the misbehavior.

Father: “Richard, I'm going to mow the lawn this morning, but I won't be able to mow until all your toys are picked up. Please pick them up. If you don't, I'll place them in a bag and put them out of reach in the garage.”

In contrast, discipline is rarely related to the logic of the misbehavior or situation.

Father (mad): “Richard, I've told you a dozen times to pick up your toys outside. I'm going to mow over them and you can just forget about going to the show this afternoon, too.”

3. Logical consequences are not judgmental.

Son: “Dad, remember when I borrowed your pen without asking?”

Dad: “Yes, I do.”

Son: “Well, I lost it. I've looked everywhere for it.”

Dad: “Well, son, how are you going to replace the pen?”

In this example, Dad handled the situation by focusing on the impersonal fact that a pen was lost and must be replaced. In contrast, discipline implies wrong-doing and personal deficiencies, rather than a mistake or inappropriate behavior.

Dad (very angry): “Son, you took my pen without permission! Don't you know enough to ask? That's outright stealing. And you lost it. You'll never use anything else of mine again!”

4. Logical consequences are related to current and future behavior.

The Johnson family recently got a dog. Little John agreed to feed it, but did not live up to his agreement. John is playing with the dog.

Father: “I'm sorry, John, but you're not ready for the responsibility of caring for a dog. You'll have to leave the dog alone for two days. Then you can take on your responsibility for feeding the dog again.”

In contrast, discipline relates to past behavior.

Father (angrily): “John, you forgot to feed the dog. You don't care one bit about that poor animal. It's just like you to forget. You can't ever play with the dog again.”

5. Logical consequences are done in a firm but kind manner with a pleasant, friendly voice.

James and Robert are kicking each other under the table.

Mother: “You boys may either settle down and eat your breakfast or leave the table until you're ready to join us!”

In contrast, discipline often is threatening and treats the offender with disrespect.

Mother (angrily): “You two knock it off right now or you'll go to school without any breakfast!”

6. Logical consequences give the youngster a choice.

Tina has just come home from school and wants to play outside.

Mother: “Tina, if you plan to play outside, you'll need to change into your play clothes.”

In contrast, discipline demands obedience.

Mother: “Tina, change your clothes right now!”

Sometimes there is a thin line between logical consequences and discipline. The tone of voice, friendly attitude, and willingness to accept the youngster's decision are essential characteristics of logical consequences. No matter how logical an action may seem to you, if your words are threatening, the message conveyed to the youngster will be one of discipline. Then, your youngster will be resentful and angry at you for imposing the consequence, instead of taking responsibility for his/her actions and learning from the consequence.

Advantages of Using Natural and Logical Consequences—

• Because it separates the deed from the doer, it does not shame or punish the youngster.
• It is concerned with present and future behavior and helps kids learn to be responsible for their own actions.
• It is done in a calm environment.
• It lets kids make a choice.
• The consequence is closely tied to the behavior, and gives the youngster a chance to learn what happens when he doesn't behave in the way you expect him to behave.

Disadvantages of Using Natural and Logical Consequences—

It can sometimes be difficult for moms and dads to use natural and logical consequences because the mother/father must be able to think ahead and come up with a proper response.

• The youngster must be allowed to experience the consequence.
• The consequence takes time to put into action and often does not work the first time.
• The mother/father must not step in and “save” the youngster.

==> Help for Parents with Out-of-Control Teens

Dealing With Your Child's "Silent Treatment"

A youngster or teenager who uses the silent treatment does so as a way to shut parents out – and push their emotional buttons. The silent treatment also gives the youngster a feeling of power and control over the parents. And the more parents make an issue of this form of emotional abuse, the more the youngster uses this strategy.

Often times, the silent treatment is the only problem-solving technique your child has at that moment (i.e., he or she is trying to deal with a particular problem by using a passive-aggressive approach). By avoiding eye contact and discussion, your child has found a way of getting the upper hand.

So what can parents do? Here are 10 tips for dealing with your child's silent treatment:

1. Don’t fall into the “reaction trap.” Many parents take the silent treatment personally; they feel powerless as a parent and react with anger and threats. This is exactly what your child wants. When you get mad and lose it, your child wins – and he/she knows it. Also he/she will kick-up the silent treatment to a whole new level now that it has been reinforced by your over-reaction.

2. Let your child know that the silent treatment is ineffective. First, parents can respond with, “Ignoring me doesn’t solve the problem. You are not to leave the house or engage in any recreational activities until we discuss this matter. Take all the time you need. If you want to talk about it, let me know.” This statement sends a very clear message to your child that (a) his/her silence doesn’t give him/her more power or control and (b) there is a consequence for avoiding addressing the problem. Second, parents should leave the ball in the child’s court at this point. Let the deafening silence run its course – and it will die by default. Your child will eventually realize that this tactic did not help achieve the desired objective.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Don’t stoop to your child’s level. In other words, don’t try to be smart and use some reverse psychology by giving him/her the silent treatment in return. It won’t work! Besides, that’s what your child wants – for you to SHUT UP! So, use the strategy outlined in point #2 above, then – and only then – can you let silence reign. You have the upper hand now, because the more your child refuses to talk, the longer he’s grounded.

4. Make the first move. After you have completed steps 1 and 2 above, and at least an hour has elapsed, you can (in one very short sentence) state in a calm voice, “Do you want to talk about it yet?” If you just get more silence, simply go on about your business and try again in another hour. If he/she says something – anything – then try to keep the conversation going.

5. Give your youngster some space to sort out his/her feelings. Don’t try to force him/her to talk, and don’t cajole, threaten or give into his/her demands. Instead, a brief separation may give him/her time to think through the situation. The silent treatment can last a long time in teens, so be patient with the process.

6. Maintain your routine. Proceed with family life and family activities throughout your youngster's silent treatment. That way, he/she doesn’t hold the family hostage with his/her emotional blackmail and manipulative behaviors. If you have regular, fun family outings planned, your youngster may be motivated to begin speaking to fully enjoy the activity.

7. Remember who has legitimate authority. The silent treatment is a power-play, and as the mother or father – you have all the power. So never take the silent treatment personally. Instead, view it as a learning opportunity for your youngster. Remember, you are getting the silent treatment because your youngster has not yet learned more appropriate ways of solving his/her problems. You can help him/her learn better problem solving methods.

8. Reward positive behavior. If your child’s tactic is unsuccessful in manipulating you, he/she will eventually open up. When that happens, express your empathy (e.g., “I’m sorry we both had to go through this”) and praise him/her for opening up (e.g., “I know you were angry, but the fact that you are speaking to me now tells me that you can be respectful”).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

9. Begin the process of trouble-shooting using the following guidelines:

• First: The two of you will only discuss the problem(s) as long as you are both sitting down. If either of you stands up, there is a break so you can both cool down.
• Second: The parent delivers an assertive message to get the discussion started: When you… (state what the child did), I felt… (an emotion – not a thought ). I’d rather you… (child’s new behavior that replaces old behavior).
• Third: Ask your child to repeat back what he/she just heard you say.
• Fourth: If your child does not paraphrase correctly, return to the third step.
• Fifth: If your child paraphrases correctly, ask open-ended questions and make comments such as: How long will this (problem) last? It must be difficult being you. It must be hard for you to imagine your life being any different. What are you feeling right now? What do you think about what I just said? You look ticked-off, who has been hassling you? How can I help you? What can we do so this problem doesn't happen again?

10. Consider drafting a house-rules contract that stipulates what course of action to take in the case your child uses the silent treatment in the future. For example, “When child refuses to discuss a particular issue, child will be allowed a one hour cooling-off period. After one hour, child will either engage in problem-solving with parent or receive an appropriate consequence.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents