When Teens Refuse To Come Home

Teen: “Hey mom. I’m spending the night here at Sarah’s.”

Mother: “No you’re not. I told you to be home by 11:00 PM.”

Teen: “But her mom said it was O.K. if I stay here tonight.”

Mother: “I don’t care. I let you go over there because you promised to be home by 11:00. Now, you either come home or you’re grounded for the rest of the week!”

Teen: “Then I’m never coming home!!!” (CLICK)

Sound familiar? For moms and dads with adolescents, setting curfews can be tricky. Adolescents should have curfews because they need discipline and supervision. They're at a point in life where they are experimenting and pushing boundaries. When adolescents rebel against their curfews, moms and dads shouldn't give in. 

 

Parents are so easily manipulated by teens when it comes to curfews. It's not just about your teen hanging out with the wrong people or you staying up late worrying where he or she is at. A curfew is about an adolescent understanding that, yes, he or she can go out and have fun, but there has to be “responsibility” alongside this privilege.

What To Do When Your Adolescent Refuses To Come Home:

1. Allow your teenagers to come home after breaking curfew without fear. Discipline is better meted out the day after. Otherwise, they might commit greater infractions out of defiance.

2. Be careful how hard and fast you make that curfew. Allow for a small buffer (perhaps 15 minutes) so that your teen does not drive faster in order to be home by curfew and avoid punishment.

3. Be fair with the amount of discipline you issue for breaking curfew. Avoid becoming radical in your disciplinary actions, as this will only confuse your teenagers and possibly cause resentment.

4. Check local ordinances on curfews. Many cities and counties have mandatory curfews in place for minors of different age groups. Use the laws in your city to help back up your decisions. If it is against the law for your teen to be out after a certain time, let him or her know.

5. Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are through written and verbal reinforcements. Post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder (e.g., "I look forward to seeing you around 10:30 tonight").

6. Discuss the consequences for breaking curfew with your spouse. It is important that any actions you take in this regard are decided together when you both have a cool head.

7. Don't wait until your youngsters are adolescents to establish a curfew. Establish the curfew when your youngsters are preteens so that, by the time they reach their teenage years, obeying a curfew has become a long established habit.

8. Execute the consequences of broken rules. When your teen is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. Maybe there were unplanned events (e.g., a flat tire). Try to find a solution to the problem together. If your adolescent still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your adolescent have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g., take away car keys, remove home privileges, etc.), you are not forced into the position of playing the "bad guy" or creating a discipline on the spot.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

9. Have your teen call as she is leaving her friend's house or an event. The call will give you a heads-up regarding where your teen is and how long it should take for her to arrive home.

10. If your adolescent has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your adolescent set-up together.

11. If your teen knows in advance what the consequence for breaking curfew will be, and still breaks curfew, it may be time to re-evaluate the consequence.

12. Instruct your teen to call from her cell phone or her friend's home phone as soon as she arrives at her destination. Double check the number against the number on your list or from the Caller ID.

13. Involve your adolescents in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate. Compromise if necessary. You don't always have to be the "winner."

14. It never hurts to check on your adolescent from time to time. If your adolescent says she is going to be at the coffee shop at 5 p.m. with their friends, drop by and see for yourself. You do not have to even let your adolescent know. If she sees you, just wave and keep on walking. Teens need to know that there will be some unscheduled checking by you. If they are spending the night at a friend’s house, call and ask to speak to your teen at an unusual time.

15. Keep a list of phone numbers for all of your teen's friends. If your teen says he is going to Michael's house, make sure that is exactly where he is going. A networking system with Michael's mom or dad is essential. Call Michael's parents and confirm your son's visit. Find out who will be driving and what the teenagers will be doing. This one phone call can be the first step in preventing a dangerous situation from occurring. If the other parents are not aware of your teen's visit, chances are your adolescent is already planning to do something he shouldn't be doing.

16. Make it abundantly clear that any time your teen becomes frightened while away from home, she can always call you for help.

17. Point out to your teenagers that a curfew expresses your trust in them, not your control over them. If they are breaking curfew, they are only failing to practice freedom prudently.

18. Remember that a broken curfew is not the end of the world, nor does it mean your teenagers fundamentally don't respect you. It is only natural that your teenagers will try to test boundaries to see what consequences they can handle.

19. Remind your teenagers of their curfew before they go out at night. Don’t give them the chance to say they were unclear about the specifics of curfew or the consequences for breaking it.

20. There are times when rules must be broken. Reasons should be emergencies only. Unfortunately teenagers and moms and dads often differ in what they consider emergencies. Lay the rules down long before your teen leaves your home. Curfew can be broken without consequences in rare instances that may arise (e.g., car trouble, a visit to ER, helping a friend, etc.). In the case of an emergency, your teen should be instructed to immediately touch base with you by phone. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

21. When your teen obeys his curfew and comes home on time, let him know how happy you are that he's safe and how proud you are to have such a thoughtful and trustworthy teen. Let your teenagers know how worried you get when they don't come home on time, and thank them for saving you the stress of waiting up.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Why Your Teen Is So Ungrateful

"My daughter doesn't appreciate anything I do for her!"  Have you ever said something like that?  If so, you may need a wake-up call...

Over-indulged teenagers are not born, they are created.  Moms and dads create teenagers that are over-indulged by giving them an over-abundance of what they want, but don’t need. However, it’s not always the material things that lead to over-indulgence.  It may be a permissive parental approach in which the youngster is allowed to read things that are not age-appropriate.  It might also be over-permissive and over-protective parenting of the youngster (e.g., doing everything for the teen in a protective manner). 

Overindulging is:

• a form of child neglect; it hinders teenagers from performing their needed developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons
• doing or having so much of something that it does active harm, or at least prevents a youngster from developing and deprives that youngster of achieving his or her full potential
• giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to meet the teenager's needs but does not, so they experience scarcity in the midst of plenty 
• giving teenagers things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents
• giving teenagers too much of what looks good, too soon, too long
• the process of giving things to teenagers to meet the adult's needs, not the teen’s

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Recent research finds that over-indulged teenagers were likely to grow up to become “externals” rather than “internals.”  “Externals” want to become rich and super wealthy, to become famous, to achieve a unique look and have a deep need to have people comment on how attractive they are.

“Internals” want to grow and learn new things, to be able to look back on their life as meaningful and with satisfaction.  They also want to share life with someone and have a committed intimate relationship.  “Internals” want to work to make the world a better place and to help people in need.

Teens who are over-indulged tend to grow-up to be oppositional.  This is of course frustrating for the parent, and it’s rather sad as well.  Parents want their youngster to be happy, and they want what’s best for him or her, but the more parents try, the more things turn out badly because their efforts are misguided.

Amazingly, it’s counter-intuitive. The more the parent gives to the youngster, the more he or she wants and is ungrateful. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. If the parent takes a stand, usually the youngster knows, “If I get mad, my mother will give-in.” In that regard, it can be quite a challenge for the parent to finally stand firm after years of over-indulging.  

Over-indulgence can be in terms of the relationship (e.g., moms and dads acting as “friends” as opposed to a parent).  Also, emotionally there’s a tendency to be overly doting and emotionally intrusive with the teen.  All of which tends to develop the tendency in the son or daughter to respond with anger, resentment, over-inflated self-esteem, as well as a loss of compassion for others. 

The youngster grows up with a sense of entitlement.  They develop this perspective not only regarding the relationship with their moms and dads, but that the world should give them all the things they want.  This can lead to having problems with friendships and, later, with dating and maintaining meaningful relationships. 

Moms and dads created the problem usually by having any number of irrational beliefs. For example:

• in order to make the youngster happy, they must give her everything she wants
• their youngster cannot be punished
• they cannot implement any consequence that involves discomfort
• they cannot subject their youngster to any sense of pain or discomfort

Of course, this is contrary to what happens in the real world.  Teenagers need to be disciplined appropriately and learn from their misbehavior and mistakes through logical consequences.  In the absence of such discipline, much of the time you will end up with a youngster who is oppositional and defiant. 

Another irrational belief of moms and dads, which is targeted in treatment, is this tendency toward unconditional positive regard. Of course, such admiration and love is wonderful; however, these moms and dads will demonstrate such positive regard no matter the behavior of the youngster. Moreover, these parents see “love” as “giving” to the youngster and not carrying out discipline.  These parents tend to rationalize and “look the other way” rather than discipline. 

The extent of “over-indulging” a youngster is on a continuum. Most teenagers are, at times, demanding and ungrateful. If moms and dads respond accordingly, then their son or daughter can move toward appreciation and cooperation. However, if such behavior is tolerated, or “indulged,” then demanding and ungrateful tendencies can worsen.

Parents can begin a “change process” by changing their irrational beliefs, which then fuels the parent making the necessary changes in discipline of their youngster. The important thing is “balance” between “giving” and “discipline.” It’s important for moms and dads to not feel guilty for not giving their teens everything they want. In that regard, a frequently repeated motto is that “parents should give teenagers everything they need, but only a small portion of what they want.”  Moms and dads need help to understand that, by giving everything, the youngster only becomes more resentful rather than grateful.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Ways parents can change habits of overindulging:

1. “No” means “No.”
2. Attach good and clear thinking to your teenager’s emotions. 
3. Counter your teenager’s manipulation where you feel guilty by simply practicing saying “I won’t get that for you, but I have a way you can earn it!”   
4. Do not soothe your teenager’s painful emotions with gadgets and luxuries.  Sooth them with your calm presence, voice and tenderness. 
5. Hold onto your better judgment and avoid thinking, “I know I shouldn’t have done such and such…”  Stop your own unhealthy sway of emotions. 
6. Let the emotional sting of discipline happen. The emotional sting has a lesson. 
7. More than discipline, you should guide your teenagers to make amends. 
8. One television per household creates better family gatherings.  Research indicates that teenagers who have TV’s in their room spend less time with family and friends.
9. Over-indulgence is an impulsive act.  So, slowly contemplate how to respond to your teenager’s misbehavior, guilt trips, etc. 
10. Parenting is not a popularity contest!  Want to create a living hell for yourself?  Become a buddy to your teenagers.  They don’t need a friend in a parent – they need a mentor.  Parent-child friendship is for later.
11. Take time to help your teenagers manage difficult emotional times. 
12. Whatever the consequence, consider ¼ time off for good behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents