Understanding Your Preteen's Behavior

Throughout our lives we grow and change, but during the preteen years, the rate of change is especially evident. We consider 11-year-olds to be kids, but we think of 16-year-olds as "almost adults" – a huge leap that happens in the space of only 5 years. We welcome the changes, but we also find them a bit challenging.

When kids are younger, it is easier to predict when a change might take place and how rapidly. But by the preteen years, the relationship between a youngster’s real age and his developmental milestones grows weaker. Just how preteens develop can be influenced by many things (e.g., genes, families, friends, neighborhoods, values, etc.).

Cognitive Changes—

The cognitive or mental changes that take place in the preteen years may be less easy to see, but they can be just as dramatic as physical and emotional changes. During adolescence, most teenagers make large leaps in the way they think and reason and learn. Younger kids need to see and touch things to be convinced that they are real. But in the preteen years, kids become able to think about ideas and about things that they can't see or touch. They become better able to think though problems and see the consequences of different points of view or actions. For the first time, they can think about what might be, instead of what is. A 5-year-old thinks a smiling person is happy and a crying person is sad. A 13-year-old may tell you that a sad person smiles to hide his true feelings.

The cognitive changes allow preteens to learn more advanced and complicated material in school. They become eager to gain and apply knowledge and to consider a range of ideas or options. These mental changes also carry over into their emotional lives. Within the family, for example, the ability to reason may change the way preteens talk to - and act - around their moms and dads. They begin to anticipate how their parents will react to something they say or do and prepare an answer or an explanation.

In addition, these mental changes lead preteens to consider who they are and who they may be. This is a process called “identity formation” and it is a major activity during the preteen years. Most preteens will explore a range of possible identities. They go through phases that, to a mother or father, can seem to be ever-changing. Indeed, preteens that don't go through this period of exploration are at greater risk of developing psychological problems, especially depression, when they are grown-ups.

Just as adults, who with more experience and cognitive maturity can struggle with their different roles, preteens struggle in developing a sense of who they are. They begin to realize that they play different roles with different people (e.g., son or daughter, friend, teammate, student, worker, etc.).

Preteens may be able to think more like grown-ups, but they still do not have the experience that is needed to act like grown-ups. As a result, their behavior may be out of step with their ideas (e.g., your daughter may participate eagerly in a walk to raise money to save the environment - but litter the route she walks with soda cans, or she may spend an evening on the phone with her best friend talking about how they dislike certain classmates because they gossip).

It takes time for preteens and their moms and dads to adjust to all these changes. But the changes are also exciting. They allow the preteen to see what he can be like in the future and to develop plans for becoming that individual.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Emotional Changes—

Most experts believe that the idea of preteens being controlled by their "raging hormones" is exaggerated. Nonetheless, this age can be one of mood swings, sulking, craving privacy, and short tempers. Younger kids are not able to think far ahead, but preteens can - and do, which allows them to worry about the future. Some may worry excessively about:

• being bullied at school
• drugs and drinking
• dying
• hunger and poverty in the country
• not having friends
• nuclear bombs and terrorists attacks on the country
• school violence
• divorce of their parents
• possible death of a parent
• appearance, physical development and popularity
• inability to get a good job
• school performance

Many preteens are very self-conscious. And, because they are experiencing dramatic physical and emotional changes, they are often overly sensitive about themselves. They may worry about “defects” that are very noticeable to them, but are hardly noticeable to others (e.g., "I can't go to the football game tonight because everyone will laugh at this monster zit on my forehead"). A preteen also can be caught up in herself. She may believe that she is the only person who feels the way she feels or has the same experiences, that she is so special that no one else (particularly her parents) can understand her. This belief can contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation. In addition, the preteen’s focus on herself has implications for how she mixes with family versus peers (" I can't be seen walking around the Mall with my mom!").

Preteens’ emotions often seem exaggerated. Their actions seem inconsistent. It is normal for preteens to swing regularly from being happy to being sad, and from feeling smart to feeling dumb. In fact, some think of the preteen years as a second childhood. One minute, they want to be treated and taken care of like a 3-year-old. Ten minutes later they are pushing the parent away, saying, “Leave me alone.” It may help if you can help them understand that they are in the midst of some major changes that don't always move steadily ahead.

In addition to changes in the emotions that they feel, most preteens explore different ways to express their emotions. For example, a young girl who greeted friends and visitors with enthusiastic hugs may turn into a preteen who gives these same people only a nod of the head. Similarly, hugs and kisses for a mother or father may be replaced with a pulling away and an, "Oh, Mom!" It's important to remember, though, that these are usually changes in ways of expressing feelings and not the actual feelings about peers and family. (Note: Be on the lookout for excessive emotional swings or long-lasting sadness in your preteen. These can suggest severe emotional problems.)

Physical Changes—

As they enter puberty, preteens undergo a great many physical changes, not only in size and shape, but in such things as the growth of pubic and underarm hair and increased body odor. For females, changes include the development of breasts and the start of menstruation. For males, changes include the development of testes.

Preteens do not begin puberty at the same age. For females, it may take place anywhere from the age of 8 to 13; in males, it happens about two years later on average. This is the time period when young people’s physical characteristics vary the most within their classes and among their peers. Some may grow so much that, by the end of the school year, they may be too large for the desks they were assigned in September. Others may change more slowly.

The preteen years often bring with it new concerns about body image and appearance. Both females and males who never before gave much thought to their looks may suddenly spend hours primping, worrying and complaining about being too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny or too pimply. Body parts may grow at different times and rates (e.g., hands and feet may grow faster than arms and legs). Because movement of their bodies requires coordination of body parts, and because these parts are of changing proportions, preteens are often clumsy and awkward in their physical activities.

The rate at which physical growth and development takes place also can influence other parts of a preteen’s life. A 12-year-old female who has already reached puberty will have different interests than her peer who does not do so until she's 13. Preteens that bloom very early - or very late - may have special concerns. Late bloomers (especially males) may feel they can't compete in sports with more physically developed peers. Early bloomers (especially females) may be pressured into adult-like situations before they are emotionally or mentally able to handle them. 

The combined effect of (a) the age on the beginning for physical changes in puberty, and (b) the ways in which peers, parents, and the world around them respond to those changes, can have long-lasting effects on a preteen. However, some of these young people like the idea that they are developing differently from their peers (e.g., they may enjoy some advantages, especially in sports, over peers who mature later). Whatever the rate of growth, many preteens have an unrealistic view of themselves and need to be reassured that differences in growth rates are normal.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Raves and Club Drugs: Tips for Parents of Teens

Have you ever heard of “Raves”?  Raves are high energy, all-night parties that feature hard pounding techno-music and flashing laser lights. They are found in most urban areas and, increasingly, in rural areas throughout the country. The dances are held in clubs, abandoned warehouses, open fields, or empty buildings.

Raves are frequently advertised as “alcohol/drug-free” dances with hired security personnel. However, they are dangerously over crowded events where your teenager can be exposed to rampant drug abuse and a high-crime environment. Numerous overdoses are documented at these dances.

Raves are one of the most popular events where “club drugs” are distributed. Club drugs include Ecstasy, Meth and LSD – just to name a few. Because some of these club drugs are colorless, odorless, and tasteless, they can be added without detection to drinks (e.g., punch, root beer) by people who want to intoxicate or sedate others in order to commit sexual assaults.

Rave promoters capitalize on the effects of club drugs. Bottled water and sports drinks are sold at (often at inflated prices) to manage dehydration and hyperthermia. Pacifiers that prevent involuntary teeth clenching, chemical lights, menthol nasal inhalers, neon glow sticks and surgical masks are used to increase sensory perception and enhance the Rave experience. Also, “cool down rooms” are provided (usually at a cost) as a place to cool off due to increased body temperature of the drug abuser.

Here’s a list of the main club drugs currently in use:

1. Speed, Ice, Chalk, Meth, Crystal, Crank, Fire, Glass— A central nervous system stimulant, often found in pill, capsule, or powder form, that can be snorted, injected, or smoked. The drug’s effects:  Often results in drastic weight loss, violence, psychotic behavior, paranoia, and sometimes damage to the heart or nervous system. Displays signs of agitation, excited speech, lack of appetite, and increased physical activity.

2. Special K, K, Vitamin K, Cat Valium— An injectable anesthetic used primarily by veterinarians, found either in liquid form or as a white powder that can be snorted or smoked, sometimes with marijuana. The drug’s effects: Results in impaired attention, learning, and memory function. In larger doses, it may cause delirium, amnesia, impaired motor function, high blood pressure, and depression. Causes reactions similar to those of PCP, a hallucinatory drug.

3. Roofies, Rophies, Roche, Forget-me Pill— Tasteless and odorless sedative, easily soluble in carbonated beverages, with toxic effects that are aggravated by concurrent use of alcohol. The drug’s effects: Can cause decreased blood pressure, drowsiness, visual disturbances, dizziness, and confusion. Can cause anterograde amnesia, which contributes to Rohypnol’s popularity as a “date rape” drug.

4. Grievous Bodily Harm, G, Liquid Ecstasy, Georgia Home Boy— A central nervous system depressant that is usually ingested in liquid, powder, tablet, and capsule forms. The drug’s effects: Has sedative and euphoric effects that begin up to 10-20 minutes from ingestion. May last up to 4 hours, depending on the dose used. Overdose can occur quickly-sometimes death occurs. Slows breathing and heart rates to dangerous levels. Use in connection with alcohol increases its potential for harm.

5. Ecstasy, E, X, XTC, Adam, Clarity, Lover’s Speed— An amphetamine-based, hallucinogenic type drug that is taken orally, usually in a tablet or capsule form. The drug’s effects: Enables dancers to dance for long periods of time. Increases the chances of dehydration, hyper tension, heart or kidney failure, and increased body temperature, which can lead to death. Lasts 3-6 hours. Long-term effects include confusion, depression, sleep problems, anxiety, paranoia, and loss of memory.

6. Acid, Boomers, Yellow Sunshines— Hallucinogen that causes distortions in sensory perception, usually taken orally either in tablet or capsule form. Often sold on blotter paper that has been saturated with the drug. The drug’s effects: Long-term effects may include persistent psychosis and hallucinogenic persisting perception disorder, commonly known as “flashbacks.” Causes dilated pupils, higher body temperature, increased heart rate and blood pressure, sweating, dry mouth, and tremors. Can cause numbness, weakness, and nausea. Are often unpredictable and may vary depending on dose, environment, and the user.

Effects of stimulant club drugs include:

• Convulsions
• Dehydration
• Extreme rise in body temperature
• Grinding teeth
• High blood pressure
• Impaired speech
• Increased heart rate
• Insomnia
• Uncontrollable movements

Effects of sedative/hallucinogenic club drugs include:

• Confusion
• Decreased heart rate (except LSD)
• Drowsiness
• Intoxication
• Nausea
• Respiratory problems
• Slow breathing
• Tremors

Effects common to all club drugs include:

• Psychotic behavior
• Panic
• Loss of memory
• Hallucinations
• Euphoria
• Depression
• Anxiety

Drugs, traces of drugs, drug paraphernalia, pacifiers, menthol inhalers, surgical masks, and other such items should be considered indicators of drug use. If you suspect your teenager is using drugs, monitor his or her behavior carefully. Confirm with a trustworthy adult where your teenager is going and what he or she is doing. Enforce strict curfews. If you have evidence of club drug abuse, approach your teen when he or she is sober, and if necessary, call on friends and family members to support you in the confrontation.

Once the drug problem is confirmed, seek the help of a therapist or drug counselor. If your child is under the influence of drugs AND immediate intervention is necessary, consider medical assistance. The county mental health society, school counselors, rape counseling centers, organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, members of the clergy, hospital substance programs, and doctors stand ready and waiting to provide information and intervention assistance.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teenage Daughters Who Are Always In “Crisis Mode”

Every little thing seems to set your teenage daughter off lately, and the more you try to help, the more she yells and slams her bedroom door. So, for the fatigued mothers and fathers out there, here are some tips for parenting teenage girls who seem to always be in crisis mode:

1. Become informed about today’s adolescent girl culture and issues (e.g., pressure toward sexual activity, oral or otherwise).

2. Don't try to minimize here multiple crisis episodes by saying something like, “One day you'll see how silly you have been acting.” Just listen and empathize. Part of being a teenage girl is feeling things intensely, so what may seem like no big deal to you is very important to her. Put yourself in her position, because after all, you were once there yourself.

3. Endeavor to remember how being 16 was for you. Did you feel ugly, fat, or lonely? Did you feel like your parents simply did not “understand”?

4. Figure out how to rescue your daughter from the claws of her social media addiction (e.g., texting, Facebook, Twitter, etc.).

5. Find and retain the guts to parent wisely, even though your daughter may profess to hate you at the moment.

6. Implement a family code of values that largely involves giving to others, not just taking.

7. Instill a desire for involvement (e.g., sports, hobbies, academics, volunteering) – anything that gets her off her cell phone and into the minds and hearts of others.

8. Learn to listen effectively even though your teenage daughter may seem to be unreasonable, bull-headed, or just downright selfish.

9. Don’t trivialize the importance of things in your daughter’s life. What happens is that teen girls feel misunderstood, and eventually they will stop telling parents anything. For example, right now, it is the most important thing in the world that her best friend is flirting with her boyfriend, and you need to take it seriously.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Pick your battles wisely, letting the little stuff go while digging your heels in on the bigger issues.

11. Use the art of well-placed humor. When it comes to parenting teenage daughters, it’s funny how humor can motivate them when more negative tactics don’t. Being playful when attempting to diffuse a “crisis” can be very effective. It keeps parent-child conflict from turning into a contest of wills. Humor takes us to a whole different level of consciousness and helps break the negative mood – not just for teenagers, but for parents too.  Humor helps parents get themselves out of a reactive state.

12. Promote a sense of spirituality (not necessarily religious, but moral in nature) which will assure your daughter of a lifetime of direction even though there will be lots of curves in the road.

13. Realize that "thin" is in, whether it’s healthy or not, even if you disagree.

14. Only have rules that are fair, clear and capable of being followed consistently.

15. Some “crisis-mode behavior” is minor and doesn't need to be addressed. It may be difficult not to call attention to each and every deep sigh, eye roll or under-the-breath muttering, but these types of behaviors are often best quelled by simply ignoring them. In time, your daughter will stop these types of behaviors if she consistently fails to get a rise out of you. More serious negative displays (e.g., destruction of property or physical aggression) should never be overlooked, but addressed quickly and completely.

16. Try to understand how your adolescent girl perceives and defines her world.

17. Understand the lure of alcohol and drugs – and find out what you can do to better “chemical-proof” your daughter.

18. Understand your daughter’s quest to be her own person, within the constraints of tremendous peer pressure to conform to often arbitrary rules and regulations.

19. When your daughter shifts into crisis mode, don't confront her in the heat of the moment. Allow for a general "cooling down" period. Give your daughter time by herself in her bedroom. Gauge the amount of time for a cool-down by waiting 1 minute for each year of the daughter’s age (e.g., if she’s 15, wait 15 minutes). This brief period gives her time to decompress, and gives you time to gather your thoughts before discussing her “issues” in a calm and effective way.

20. When your daughter is calm, discuss the problem(s) that seem to be upsetting her. Make sure you do so when you're on the same physical level (e.g., if your daughter is sitting down, you sit down too). Let her talk as much as she is willing. Really listen, without forming in your mind what you will say in response. When she is done, consider what she has said before responding. If you need extra time to think about it, let her know. When you do respond, do so with compassion and reassurance while acknowledging your feelings about the fact that there seems to be a lot of “drama” nowadays.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents