How to Foster Self-Reliance in Overindulged Teens

Do you happen to use an “overindulgent” parenting style? If so, then you are probably experiencing a lot of behavioral problems with your teenager! What’s the connection between overindulgence and behavior problems you ask? In this post, we will answer this question in great detail…

First of all, do you notice any of the following characteristics in your teen?

• Asks for help on a task she should be able to do on her own
• Can be obnoxious and temperamental
• Constantly engages in whining and complaining
• Demands things all the time
• Exhibits extreme clinginess or the inability to be alone
• Fails to bounce back from normal adolescent disappointments
• Has little concern for the welfare of others
• Ignores or negotiates every request you make
• Is self-centered
• Is verbally and/or physically aggressive
• Is very manipulative
• Lacks motivation
• Repeatedly asks for rewards or money for basic chores 
• Shows little gratitude for what she has
• Wants to control the decisions of other family members

If this sounds like your teen, then it’s safe to say that he or she is overindulged, which is a nice term for “spoiled rotten!”

What happens when you have an overindulged teenager? The result of overindulgent parenting includes the following. The teenager:

• begins to underestimate his abilities
• believes the rules do not apply to him
• depends on the parent to give him what he wants, but at the same time resents being dependent, and this resentment comes out as anger and ungratefulness – and a strong desire for more material stuff and privileges
• does not get along well with authority figures (e.g., teachers)
• feels entitled to privileges, but not responsible for his actions
• finds school boring
• gets labeled ADHD by school officials and mental health professionals
• is the one in charge rather than the parent (i.e., the tail is wagging the dog)
• is used to not having to be responsible for anything
• learns how to avoid unpleasant tasks or challenges instead of facing them
• learns to manipulate others instead of how to take responsibility

Even if your teen is already well on his way to becoming overindulged, all is not lost. Your goal as a mother or father is to teach him to weather the natural frustration of not getting what he wants without feeling like his world is ending or taking it as a sign you don’t love him.

Here are 25 ways to move from overindulgence to fostering self-reliance in your teen:

1. Allow your teen to make mistakes when safety is not an issue. It’s natural to want to step in and solve problems (which you’ve been doing for years). But now is his chance to make some minor mistakes and learn from them while the stakes are lower. He will also learn valuable problem-solving skills, and develop self-resilience and self-control.

2. Announce your limits, and stick to them. Let it be known what you will and won’t shell-out money for. Even if this leads to more arguments, make your teen respect your authority by refusing to budge.

3. Don’t FORCE your opinion on your teenager. Parents sometimes don’t trust what they have taught their teens. Did you ever plant some tulips? What happens if you yank the bulbs out every day to see if they’re growing? No tulips! Give the truths that you have poured into your teen’s heart and mind some time and space to take root and grow.

4. Don’t lose your temper. Staying calm helps you and your teen. Plus, it models the behavior you expect from him.

5. Encourage your teen to fully express himself. He is trying to discover who he is and is not (an important undertaking during adolescence) Accept that he may not like the things you do or have the same opinions, and get to know him as a person in his own right.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Establish ground rules for safety. As your teen tries out new behaviors and methods of self-expression, and gains new skills (e.g., driving, cooking, dating, etc.), she will still need limits to keep her safe. Negotiate rules when you can to give her a sense of ownership, but make sure she knows safety is a priority and is not negotiable.

7. Follow through with consequences consistently so that your teenager learns to accept responsibility for his own actions.

8. Foster a good work ethic. Even preteens can wash a car or help mix pancake batter.

9. Have your teen participate regularly in household chores (e.g., vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, etc.). Also, teach him how to do his own laundry and care for his clothes.

10. Have your teen participate in making meals regularly.

11. Help your teen to discover his world. As he tries to figure out where he fits in, give him opportunities to try new activities and sports and to meet new people. He may end up discovering a lifelong career path in the process.

12. Hold your teen accountable. For example, if he continually oversleeps and misses the bus, charge him gas money to drive him to school. Now is the time for him to learn that his actions matter in the bigger world and affect others as well as himself.

13. Intentionally teach your teen how to work through conflicts with her peers. Simply preparing your teen with some practical conflict-resolution skills will help foster self-reliance and confidence.

14. Let natural consequences be your friend. For example, instead of nagging your teen to get a summer job so she can afford all the activities she wants to do – don’t. If she doesn’t follow through, she’ll just have to skip some of those activities.

15. Remind your teen you will always be there for him. As he spreads his wings, make sure you let him know you will be nearby whenever he needs you. This safety net will make it possible for him to have the confidence he needs to fly into his future.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Set shopping parameters. For example, if you’re out to a store with your teen and she wants a new pair of jeans, tell her she can have it—if she pays for it with her allowance money.

17. Talk openly and honestly about sex.

18. Teach your adolescents about Internet safety.

19. Teach your teen how to use an assignment pad to keep track of homework.

20. Teach your teen life skills. Your teen should be starting to learn how to manage money and drive safely in various situations. Increase her responsibilities as she gets closer to college age so she is ready to fully take care of herself when it’s time to move out and be fully independent.

21. Teach your teen to check the tire pressure and oil in the car he drives.

22. Teach your teen to think independently about commercials and advertisements aimed at teens.

23. Teaching your teen to monitor his own TV time and video game time.

24. Understand that making decisions for your teen can be destructive to his independence. Decision-making is a skill that only comes with practice. It isn’t something that’s magically conferred on a teenager when he turns 18. Letting him make choices means that he will probably do some things wrong and make poor choices, but he will learn from those, too.

25. Use praise. When you notice your teen is making a real effort to act differently, let him know that you notice.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Quick Tips for Regaining Control of Your Out-of-Control Teenager

The adolescent years are notoriously difficult to navigate, which can create a nightmare for moms and dads whose teenagers are out-of-control. Whether your son or daughter is lying, stealing, doing drugs, or acting defiantly – you CAN resolve these issues with the proper strategies. 

Here are some quick tips on how to regain control:

1. First of all, YOU have to take care of YOU. Dealing with out-of-control teenage behaviors is very stressful. Build in some time for social support and recreation each week so that you can recharge your batteries and feel refreshed and motivated to continue on.

2. Come up with a plan on how you will hold your teenager accountable. What will you do if he does not meet your expectations?  How will you respond? In the heat of the moment, it’s most effective to state your expectations – and then walk away. Then after things have calmed down, do some “problem solving” and give a consequence if the situation calls for it.

3. Don’t over-negotiate. If you over-negotiate with an adolescent that is trying to be the boss, you're giving her the message that she's your equal. Soon she’ll start bargaining with you in order to behave appropriately.

4. Expect setbacks. Change is a slow process. Be patient and take one day at a time. Things will get better, but your teenager will still make mistakes along the way – it’s the way he learns. Start with a fresh slate each day and stay positive.

5. Expect your adolescent to react strongly to the new structure you impose as soon as you establish it. Adolescents do not give up power easily.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Find a support group for moms and dads of troubled adolescents. Listening to the struggles and solutions of other parents will make you feel less alone and will give you strength to face challenging situations at home.

7. Find out everything you can about your adolescent. Adolescents are experts at hiding what they don't want you to know about, and many times moms and dads are experts at turning the other way and ignoring unacceptable behaviors in hopes that they will get better on their own. Although checking up on your adolescent may feel like spying, and snooping through his backpack may feel like an invasion of his privacy, it is your job as a mother or father to know what your adolescent is up to so that you can protect him. Talk to his teachers, friends and siblings to get another perspective on your teen. Have regular discussions with him about his life. Listen carefully – without interruption – to what he says, and try to understand what he is feeling. Remember that adolescents feel things much more intensely than grown-ups. Don't discount strong feelings simply because they don't make sense to you.

8. If everyone understands what the rules are, the chances of your teenager following those rules increase. Thus, write up a behavior contract with your adolescent. If something is written down on paper, it becomes more real. The contract should clearly define what she has to do in certain key areas. If she complies with the contract, she will be rewarded (be sure to outline what those rewards will be). If she does NOT comply with the contract, she will receive appropriate consequences (be sure to outline what those consequences will be).

9. If the problems seem too big for you to handle, seek support elsewhere. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of resourcefulness, commitment to change, and a good way to add another tool to your parenting toolbox.

10. If you have more than one teenager in the house and want to regain control over ALL of them, you will need to first regain control of the “dominant” teen. Even though his siblings may be acting out as well, your “alpha teen” is causing the imbalance in authority; thus, he is the one you have to manage initially. Of course, you have to hold your other teens accountable for their poor choices, but your main priority should be to address the behavior of the dominant teen (e.g., give him consequences that he can't undermine, then be firm and follow through with them).

11. If your teen is severely out-of-control, consider making an appointment with a mental health professional to rule out disorders such as ADHD, depression or anxiety. These disorders and others like them can prevent your adolescent from reaching his full potential and leave him feeling frustrated, stressed-out and unable to live a happy life. Medication to control these disorders can make an enormous difference in your adolescent's attitude and general well-being, and may put an end to any related behavioral problems.

12. Know that lectures and speeches aren’t effective. Instead, have conversations that are focused on what your teenager’s responsibilities are, and how she can meet them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Know the difference between motivating your adolescent with a “reward system” versus “bargaining.” When you’re bargaining with her, she’s often wearing you down until you give in (e.g., you may end up saying, “Okay, as long as you don’t drink any alcohol, you can go to that party”). On the other hand, when you're rewarding her, it's clear that you're the one with the authority giving out the reward.

14. Know what your expectations are and write them down for future reference. Also, make sure you are able to communicate your expectations in clear terms. 

15. Moms and dads need to partner together and come up with a game plan that outlines how they will deal with their adolescent as a team. Develop a plan that you are both comfortable with. Have a “parent’s-meeting” and get clear about your unified message before presenting it to your teenager. The mother and father that can't get on the same page about how to hold their adolescent accountable will end up creating a vacuum in power (which their out-of-control adolescent will only be too happy to fill).

16. Parenting classes and therapists in your local area can be a big help if you are struggling to regain control of your teen’s behavior.

17. Refrain from making excuses for your teen’s attitude and be honest with yourself regarding her behavior. It's easier to overlook a few lies or turn the other way when you know your adolescent is engaging in risky behavior than it is to confront her and meet challenges head on. But without your strict guidance and intervention, these behaviors will only get worse.

18. Remember that your journey toward more effective parenting will start with just one step.

19. Reward positive behavior in your teenager whenever you see it (e.g., “Hey, I noticed you put your dirty laundry in the clothes hamper – great job!”).

20. Lastly, when attempting to address behavioral issues, simply focus on your top 3 concerns. What behavioral problems are causing the most chaos in your home? Choose the 3 most problematic concerns and write them down. Your list might look something like this: “(1) refuses to do homework, (2) picks on his younger brother, and (3) slams his bedroom door really hard when he’s mad.” Then rank your top 3 concerns in order of priority. The top issue on the list is where you put your main focus for now. The other 2 issues can wait until you have more time and energy. Working on just one thing is enough for now. Keep it simple.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Get Your Teen to WANT to Listen to You

The biggest challenge when parenting an adolescent is how to get her to listen to you and your advice. You want to protect her from bad decisions and choices. But now that she’s “all grown up” (in her mind), she “knows it all” and does not listen to you. She has transformed from a kid that followed your lead and had everything done for her to a teen that makes her own choices and decisions.

As most parents may have already figured out, you can't make your teenager change if he doesn't want to. No amount of pleading, forcing, or discipline will work. In fact, the more you persist, the more he will rebel. So, instead of “How can I get my teen to listen to me?” …the question should really be “How can I get my teenager to WANT to listen to me?” The answer is to examine the quality of the attachment between you and your teenager. A weak parent-child bond translates to having a deaf teen.

How to get your teen to WANT to listen to you:

1. As a parent, you have to “pretend” that your teen hears you when you speak. If you know he has no hearing problems and doesn’t have headphones on, then assume he can hear you. Look at him and state the rules in a clear, calm manner. For example, “In order to go to the movies with your friends this coming Friday night, you need to be back home by 8:00 PM tonight. I know you really want to see that movie, so be sure to be home by 8:00.” If your teen claims he didn’t hear you (after he returns home at midnight), rather than arguing about his listening skills, state the following: “You knew the rules. You didn’t make it home by 8:00 PM, so no movie this weekend. We can try this again next week. If you meet your curfew, you can go to the movies with your friends next Friday.” Don’t get pulled into a power struggle. If he tries to push your buttons, simply leave the room.

2. Be as consistent as possible. Disciplining your teen’s poor choices one week – and then letting it slide the next – sends a mixed message. Maybe you were too tired to care if she didn’t do her homework. So, then what your adolescent thinks is “When dad has had a long day, I can skip doing homework.” For rules to be effective, they must be enforced dependably.

3. If you are hesitant to implement some “tough love” with your teen for her poor behavioral choices, you also guarantee that she will NOT listen to you. If an adolescent feels that she can do as she pleases without any significant consequences, you can bet that she will do just that. Sure, be compassionate and show unconditional love, but do not be afraid to show your adolescent that her poor choices ALWAYS have associated consequences.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Pick your battles carefully. Coming home at midnight may be more risky to your adolescent than not cleaning up his room when asked. Of course, don't ignore blatant disregard for a rule (no matter how small), but at the same time, don't lose your cool over a dirty bedroom. Loss of computer privileges until his bedroom is picked up is a more appropriate response than the loss of the computer for an entire week.

5. Often times, an adolescent fails to listen to her parents because she thinks they only want to spoil her fun. The "Because I said so" comment may work for younger children, but in the teenage years, those are “fighting words” that will only sow seeds of rebellion. So, don’t bark-out commands. Instead, open the doors of communication and explain how choices have consequences. For instance, if your adolescent wants to attend a party where alcohol will probably be available, don’t just say "NO WAY!" Instead, explain how such situations pose serious risks.

6. When your teenager challenges your rules, keep the conversation focused on your expectations, not on your adolescent’s ideas about fairness. If you have to “defend” your rules, it gives your teen the impression that the rules are negotiable. Rather than arguing about your rules, simply state the facts (e.g., “I know you don’t like the rules, and you prefer to ignore me. But the truth is this: You don’t have to like the rules, you just have to find a way to follow them.”).

7. When your teenager ignores you or pretends not to hear, remember that it is a “control issue.” She wants to be “in charge” now that she is “all grown up.” Even if you're annoyed, keep our cool. You don’t have to attend every “war-of-wills party” you’re invited to. Sometimes it best to ignore that fact that she ignored you.

8. If you truly want your adolescent to listen to you, you need to listen to his problems and concerns too. Listen without judgment, asking questions and taking a genuine interest in his life. Allow him to openly share any objections he has about the issues at hand, and respond in a way that shows you really understand his concerns. This isn’t to say that you should compromise on the house rules necessarily, but you can be sympathetic to your adolescent's frustrations. If he says that a rule isn’t fair, ask him to elaborate. Be open to the idea that some rules may need to be adjusted in order for them to appear fair. For example, maybe an 11:00 PM curfew on Saturday nights isn’t fair because he wants to attend a movie with friends that doesn’t start until 10:00 PM. He would have to miss the ending of the movie to be home on time. Maybe he could have an 11:30 PM curfew (just on some Saturday nights).

9. Offer rewards, not just consequences. For example, for feeding the dogs all week, he can have an extra 30 minutes on his curfew. For taking his little brother to baseball practice, he can borrow the car Friday night. Rewards are incentives to “Listen to my advice and rules.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Pick the right time to talk to your teen about “the rules.” For example, starting this conversation while your adolescent is engrossed in a video game may make the conversation feel like a penalty of sorts …or when your adolescent has just come home from school, he may have other things on his mind and may not be able to focus on the “You need to listen to me” conversation. Make an appointment. For example, take him out to dinner, wait until the evening meal, or wait until bedtime when you have both had a chance to wind down.

11. If you want your adolescent to be open to communication and willing to listen, don’t treat him as a subordinate. Instead, treat him as a contributing and valuable member of the family. Let him take part in important family decisions. Listen to his opinions. Support his goals. Take time to remind him that he is loved unconditionally. The more he feels respected and valued, the more willing he will be to listen to your advice.

12. Lastly, write the rules down and post them somewhere prominent. If your rules are written, there is little room for misinterpretation. Sit down with your adolescent and have her read the rules aloud to you. This gives her a chance to ask questions and make comments. Revisions to the rules (the first draft anyway) may need to take place as well.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents