How to Stop "Back-Talk" in Disagreeable Teens

“Initially, my husband and I were concerned that our son, Robby, who is 13, did not fit the ‘profile’ of an out-of-control teen. We were motivated to seek outside help and guidance due to the negative attitude we felt we were experiencing with him. This was primarily a ‘talking back’ issue where Robby would continually talk back to us, mutter under his breath, and be purposely rude and disagreeable. Additionally we saw problems of him thinking that he was smarter than everyone else. Any tips for dealing with back talk?”

With a little understanding and self-restraint, moms and dads can put a lid on talking back. The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the kids who use it. The youngster could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But kids who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

Behavior Tracking—

Moms and dads need to do some behavior tracking: For 3 days, make notes about what your son says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when young people talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your son, but you can learn how to fight fair:

1. Define what the problem is
2. Define how to rectify it 
3. Don't attack, belittle, or condemn (unless you want some back talk)
4. Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

13-year-olds are notorious for putting moms and dads on the defensive (after all, they are officially a teenager at that point, with an attitude to match). For example, say your son borrowed a ring that had sentimental value, and then he lost it. You might yell, "How could you be so damn irresponsible!" Look out though – he will most likely turn your reaction around on you (e.g., "Oh, so you've never lost anything before? Excuse me for not being perfect!").

Instead of attacking, try talking in concrete terms, such as, "When you _____ (insert the behavior he exhibited), I felt _____ (insert how you felt about his behavior)." 

As strange as it may seem, be sure to use the same restraint and respect you would show a guest in your home. The goal is for you to express your feelings ABOUT his behavior rather than accusing him of “misbehaving.” This lessens the likelihood that he will feel attacked, which in turn lessens the likelihood that you will be on the receiving end of back talk.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Talk Your Way Through Parent-Child Conflict

Conflict between you and your adolescent shouldn’t come as a surprise. This is the age where she will begin embracing independent thinking. Parent-child conflict isn’t necessarily symptomatic of an unhealthy or unhappy household (unless arguing becomes the standard mode of communication).

Family members need to feel free to express their feelings honestly, including airing grievances rather than to repress them. That’s how issues get resolved before small disagreements snowball into more serious problems. However, in order for confrontations to ultimately be productive, everyone needs to observe certain ground rules. As moms and dads, it falls to us to model the behaviors and attitudes conducive to healthy conflict-resolution.

Below are 12 tips for talking your way through parent-child conflict:

1. Don't step on your teen’s tongue. It's tempting to dive-in and over-react to something your adolescent just said. Let your teen have the first word! Listen without interrupting. When she has expressed her viewpoint, then - and only then - should you respond. Take the high road here. Always let your adolescent speak first. Teenagers we surveyed said that if they have a chance to talk first, they're more receptive to what their mom or dad says. Once adolescents get to speak their minds, they're usu¬ally willing to listen to “reason.”

2. Control the things you can, and don’t try to control the things you can’t. For example, let's say your adolescent is “back-talking” you. You might be tempted to say, "You will NOT speak to me like that!" Unfortunately, this come-back throws gas on the fire, because a state¬ment like this challenges your teen to prove she – not you – controls her tongue. A better option would be to say something like, "I'll be glad to listen to you when you speak to me more politely." Now you're saying what you will do, which is something you can control.

3. If you do issue a complaint, be very specific (e.g., “Michael, you forgot to give me 3 phone messages last week – one from my boss, one from your father, and one from grandma” …rather than, “You always forget to take messages”).

4. Briefly explain your reasoning. Some adolescents say they simply don't understand what their moms and dads are asking them to do. Explain the reasons for your request or rule, and then have your adolescent restate what you've told her (e.g., "I know you want to go with your friends to the movies tonight. But you were out late last night and could hardly get up in time to catch the school bus. I don’t have time to play taxicab driver when you miss the bus. You’re free to be with your friends over the weekend, but not tonight").

5. Only deal with the current issue. Don't dredge up past failures or mistakes. Also, don't compare your adolescent with anyone — living or dead, related or unrelated.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Avoid the words "always" and "never" (e.g., “You always get angry whenever you have to hear the word ‘no’ ” …or “You never follow through with what I ask you to do”).

7. Ask your teenager to offer his solution to the problem. Your ultimate goal should be to resolve the conflict – not win the argument. If your teen’s solution sounds workable, then give it a shot. If his solution sounds ridiculous, then fine tune his idea a bit so that it can be more workable.

8. Ask yourself, “Is this issue really worth arguing about? How important is this situation, anyway?” Maybe it’s possible to work toward a win-win solution, or at least one that everyone can live with. Choose your battles carefully. Stand up for the values that are most important to you and to your adolescent's safety, but consider flexibility on the smaller issues.

9. Get off to a good start. The first 3 minutes of a confrontation usually dictate how the rest of it will go. Begin the conversation with a soft voice, and you’ll increase the odds that the discussion will be productive. As one adolescent stated, “My dad and I could talk about our problems because he treated as an equal instead of talking down to me.”

10. Take a time-out when needed. If you or your adolescent are getting too pumped-up, take a break. It doesn't hurt to put a confrontation on hold until everyone has calmed down.

11. Model what you want your adolescent to do. When moms and dads scream or point fingers, teenagers figure that it's okay for them to do the same. They also put up a stone wall and get into "fight" mode.

12. Consider sending an email or a text message rather than face-to-face confrontation. Emailing or texting gives you time to sort through your thoughts and express yourself wisely. Also, it gives your adolescent time to respond instead of reacting defensively. That's what a father discovered when his 16-year-old daughter wanted to see an R-rated movie. He kept telling her ‘no’ – and the two of them kept arguing. Finally, the father sent his daughter an email explaining his reason for saying ‘no’. The daughter never asked about it again, and even seemed warmer toward him than she had been for a long time.

There are many important misunderstandings that occur both with the parent and with the teenager that, if recognized, would not only reduce conflict, but strengthen the relationship. While conflict between parents and their teenagers is not of itself a bad thing, the manner in which we choose to resolve these conflicts is what ultimately determines the outcome – and stress – each encounters.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen Shuts You Out

Is your teenager shutting you out? In other words, she won’t talk to you – and she ignores you when you try to talk to her. You know something is bothering your teen, but she’s not going to tell you what it is. She’s either mad at you or someone else – but in the meantime, you’re getting the cold shoulder.

A teenager may use the silent treatment as a way to freeze parents out, to get them to leave her alone, and to push their buttons. What most moms and dads don’t realize is that, under the surface, something else is going on.

In general, most silent treatment is an indication of poor communication skills. The teen can’t solve her own problems, and as a result, she becomes resentful toward her parent(s). Some silent treatment indicates an inability to articulate one’s feelings during parent-child conflict. These teens are sometimes referred to as “emotionally shut-down.” Silent treatment intended to inflict emotional punishment is present in the teenager who has “shutdown,” especially if she has anger management issues (e.g., "You made me angry, so now I am going to punish you").

How parents can cope when their teen is shutting them out:

1. Avoid trying to find a logical explanation for your teen’s strange behavior. Sometimes it's better to simply view it as “a teenage phase” and not take it personally.

2. Be sure NOT to use the silent treatment on your teen to “show her how it feels.” This rarely improves communication.

3. Don't blame yourself for it. The silent treatment is a poor choice of communication strategy – and that is not your choice.

4. Express how this treatment makes you feel, but do it at a time when your teen appears to be in a decent mood. When things are calm, let your teenager know that you do sincerely want to work things through, but if that's not going to happen in the near future, you may not continue "volunteering" to be frozen out (e.g., "It really hurts that you're shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we could put this behind us. If this continues much longer, I'm going to need to stop waiting and just assume that you simply want to be left alone. I don't want to do that, which is why I'm telling you now.").

5. Make sure you're not simply over-reacting. Sometimes, it's not about you at all. Perhaps your teen is being quiet because she is having personal problems – but doesn’t want to confide in you. If this is the case, you shouldn't take it personally. Perhaps back off a bit and leave some space. However, withdrawing from friends can be a feature of depression, so sometimes reaching out may be exactly what your teenager needs.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Never make the mistake of reacting in anger to your teen’s cold shoulder. Your “reacting” gives her power over you. When your teen is angry or upset with you (or encounters a problem she can't fix), she may rely on the silent treatment as a poor attempt to get her needs met. Thus, you have to coach her by saying something like, “Ignoring me and refusing to talk won’t solve your problems.” The key is to motivate your teen to give up that broken problem-solving strategy and find an appropriate one that actually works.

7. Question your own behavior. When did the silent treatment start? What happened that day or in the days just before the behavior changed? Could you have done or said something insensitive? Try to understand what could have set-off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of ways you can work on the situation.

8. Rehearse what you're going to say in the event you want to confront your teen on the matter. You want to feel like you said what you needed to say, so plan it ahead of time. It's easy to get defensive, or to come off the wrong way if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with your teenager and say out loud what you want to say. Listen to the way you make your statement and adjust your tone if need be.

9. Spend some time away from your teenager if needed, especially if you are feeling emotionally drained from the lack of communication. Time away from her may help her realize how important the relationship is to her, prompting her to initiate speaking to you again.

10. Stay positive. Subconsciously or consciously, the giver of the silent treatment WANTS to see you upset. So, try your best to stay out of her way and be positive (e.g., when you attempt to strike up a conversation, but all you’re met with is a cold shoulder, simply respond by going to the other room to watch some TV).

11. The silent treatment is about control.  It only works if the parent relinquishes control to the teenager who is being silent.  The more you try to get your teen to break her silence, the more you are allowing yourself to be controlled by her, and the less likely it is that she will talk.  After all, you are giving her exactly what she wants: control. She is likely to keep the silent treatment going if she knows it is bothering you, or use it again in the future when she feels the need to get revenge.

12. Try setting some serious emotional boundaries. This can be the hardest part: after you have apologized and attempted to understand what is going on, you have done your part. Now, it is up to your teenager to step up and begin communicating with you. If she does not, that is her decision. You can’t fix this without cooperation from her.

There are all sorts of motives for – and styles of – the silent treatment, but they all boil down to one commonality: a teen gives the silent treatment to her parents because it gives her a feeling of control over them. Maybe the best thing a parent can do in this situation is to try to find a better way for the teenager to feel like she has some control over her life.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents