What To Do When Your Teen Lies About Bad Grades

“Our teenage son is doing K12-online high school. We are seeing problems with him thinking that he is smarter than everyone else, not doing schoolwork because he thinks it is 'dumb', then lying to us when confronted by the bad grades. How should we deal with this lying issue?”

One of the perpetual problems that many parents face is lying by their teens. Moms and dads will often personalize this problem and view it as a sign that their teens lack respect for them. Parents may also believe that their parental authority is being undermined when their teens distort the truth.

Moms and dads need to understand that all behavior is purposeful, even the habit of lying. Some lying is a common feature of the human experience. Rather than focus on the specific lies told by their teens and the implications of those lies, parents would be well-served in trying to understand the purposes underlying their teen's need to distort the truth.

When moms and dads confront their teens about their pattern of lying, they may inadvertently make the problem worse. They may unintentionally promote a power-struggle and cause their teens to actually become more deceptive about their behavior.

I believe that moms and dads need to rethink their perspective for dealing with their teens when they lie. I recommend they never use the word “lying” in front of their teenagers. Use of the word “lie” sets up an adversarial dynamic. It is preferable to use phrases such as "you need to be more up-front with me" or "you need to be honest with me." This relaxes the encounter and makes it more likely that you will get to the bottom of the situation.

Oftentimes, young people will lie if they feel intimidated or feel excessive pressure from a mother or father. For example, an adolescent may be afraid of harsh, punitive treatment as a consequence for poor grades. Talking with your son or daughter on an on-going basis about the nature and quality of his or her work – rather than focusing on assessment – is helpful in promoting more truthfulness.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The teenage years may be the most difficult developmental period for dealing with lying. Teens, during adolescence, are looking for ways to separate from their moms and dads through experimentation, concealing information, and acting guarded. Try to keep the lines of communications open. Set appropriate boundaries and limits.

Monitor your teen closely for substance abuse, and other acting-out behaviors. Never accept excuses for inappropriate behavior. Set logical consequences and stick to them. By setting these parameters, you can reduce the opportunity for your teenagers to engage in lying.

Some guidelines for parents to cope with teens who conceal the truth are:

• All behavior is purposeful, even lying. Lying is not always intentional deceit and may be aimed at getting attention from moms and dads or manipulating a situation.
• All teens will lie on occasion. It is inevitable. Remember your childhood?
• As a parent, role-model honest communications and behavior demonstrating integrity with your teen. Teens may pick up on inconsistencies in parenting and use those patterns as a reason to be untruthful and manipulative.
• Monitor your teen's behavior – without over-involvement – to see if you notice any red-flags.
• Never make the issue of deception the main focal point of your conversations. Lying is always a byproduct of other more meaningful areas of exploration with your teen.
• Never set-up your son or daughter by being aware of a lie and then asking him or her for the truth without discussing that you have information. Acknowledge up-front that you know what's going on.
• Reframe the word “lying.” Use terminology that means the same, but softens the conflict.
• Stay out of power-struggles with teenagers over deception. If you know they are being untruthful, merely acknowledge it and set reasonable, logical consequences.
• Teens may be embarrassed or sensitive about telling the truth. Acknowledge those feelings with them, but insist on knowing the truth.
• When teens tell the truth, reinforce their positive behavior.

Remember that lying is purposeful behavior that can be minimized with healthy involvement with your adolescent, appropriate monitoring, sensitivity and understanding, and role-modeling of honest, open, and emotionally expressive communications.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Questionnaire To Help Decide If Your Teen Is Using Drugs

While it's natural for adolescents to be somewhat rebellious and have a social life that consists of questionable peers, music, romance and parties, they can also be guarded and mysterious, especially with their moms and dads. Sometimes it takes a little detective work to find out if your adolescent is using drugs.

Nearly half of all adolescents will try drugs before they turn 18. Some use marijuana and/or alcohol regularly. A relatively small amount of adolescents are addicted to drugs, but that number is growing.

Use the questionnaire below to help decide if your teenage son or daughter is using drugs or alcohol:

1. Are there drastic changes in your teen’s appearance?  This is one of the first cries for attention if that is what she is seeking.

2. Does your teen have altered eating and/or sleeping habits (e.g., poor appetite and insomnia)? Sudden desires for sweets as well as weight loss indicate addictive swings typical of drug use.

3. Does your teen make a number of excuses for why he comes home late?

4. Does your teen refuse to talk to you, other than using simple one word replies (e.g., “yes,” “no,” “I don’t know,” etc.)? And have you notice her exhibiting slurred speech?

5. Does your teen smell funny? If he is drinking or doing drugs, you may be able to smell it on his clothes or breath. If he smells like he just sprayed on perfume or cologne, he may be trying to cover up the scent.

6. Has your teen been missing classes? Note any calls from school authorities with complaints about her attendance and/or behavior.

7. Has your teen lost interest in sports or hobbies he once enjoyed? Take seriously any mysterious rejection of interests that were once important to your teenager. Watch if he loses interest in his usual activities. He might abandon his previous hobbies, or take up new ones.

8. Has your teen started carrying eye drops, or is she wearing sunglasses a lot (to hide dilated pupils or red eyes caused by marijuana)?

9. Has your teen started staying away from home more than ever before? If so, ask where she is going and who's going to be with her.

10. Has your teen’s attitude changed for the worse? She might become excessively rude and more rebellious than usual, and she might refuse to do any chores unless paid.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Has your teen’s behavior changed for the worse? Look for behavioral changes (e.g., excessive sleepiness, lack of sleep, bouts of nausea and/or throwing up in the toilet, an air of indifference, quick anger, irritability, unresponsiveness or spaciness, etc.).

12. Has your teen’s mood changed for the worse? She may be grouchy and may mope around in a lazy fashion most of the time.

13. Have there been occasions when money or valuables are missing around the house?

14. Have you found drug paraphernalia in your teen’s room? If you suspect drug use by your adolescent, this is one of those times that you need to be the mother or father who checks her personal area.

15. If your teen has his driving license and his own car, does his car smell funny?

16. Is there a change in your teen’s hygiene and/or appearance? Look for indications that your son or daughter may have begun taking drugs and spending time with a "drug" crowd (e.g., glassy eyes, new piercings, tattoos, sloppy clothing, general lack of hygiene, etc.).

17. Is your adolescent avoiding having you meet his new friends?

18. Is your teen always asking for money? He might be spending his money on drugs. If he asks for money, ask him what he needs it for.

19. Is your teen hanging out with a different crowd? Her friends may be more rebellious than usual, and/or she might bring home new friends, or neglect her old ones. Is she ignoring her usual friends in favor of a new group who dress different or seem to have lesser morals?

20. Is your teen starting to have falling grades? Adolescents who use drugs sometimes are less likely to value academic performance, so this is a telltale sign. Stay in touch with teachers if a change is apparent. Search for drastic drops, not just little dips. This could be due to anything.

If your adolescent is displaying some of these signs, it does not necessarily mean he or she is taking drugs. It could just be a new phase or an attempt to keep up with the "cool" crowd. Talk to your teen, and get professional help if necessary.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents