Avoiding the Pitfalls of Over-Negotiating with Your Teen

If you are the parent of a defiant teenager, you probably discovered a long time ago that whenever you tell him or her "no" – it automatically turns into a power-struggle. Even the most simplest of requests can often result in very stressful parent-child conflict.

As a result, many parents (in an effort to reduce their stress) find themselves “over-negotiating” with their teenager ...anything to eliminate the drama and backtalk.

While negotiating is certainly an important parenting tool in many situations, if it is used to simply "keep the peace" and avoid arguments at all cost, the result is over-indulgent parenting. And unfortunately, there is nothing that feeds “defiance” more than over-indulgence.

Appropriate negotiation would look like this:

Your teenager feels like he should get a raise on his allowance. He recently turned 16, and feels that $15 per week is not enough. So he asks if you would be willing to go $20 per week. You come back with, "Yes I am willing to give you a five dollar raise if you will start taking responsibility for the yard work. That will include mowing, trimming, as well as raking leaves in the fall." If your son agrees to these terms, it's a win-win situation. If he doesn't, then he gets no raise in allowance - period!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Now let's look at an example of over-negotiation (used to avoid another tug-of-war):

Your teenager states that all of his friends are getting $20 a week for allowance, and he feels like you're a cheapskate. So he says, "You should start giving me $20 a week. I'm not a kid anymore." Then you state that you would be willing to go $20 per week if he would do the yard work. He contests that notion, stating that none of his friends have to do yard work.

With an attitude of self-entitlement, he asserts that he shouldn't have to work for an allowance. You come back with, "Fine …if you don't want to do the yard work, then you only get $15 a week." An argument ensues, it goes back and forth for 5 minutes, and you finally say, "OKAY! I'll give you $20 a week if you’ll just stop arguing with me, but it wouldn't hurt you to start doing some chores around here."

In the example above, you did indeed avoid a lengthy power-struggle, but unfortunately you also fed defiance. Now you're teenager knows that all he has to do is pressure you and you will "wave the white flag" and let him have his way. So the next time he wants something, he won't be up for compromise or negotiation. Instead, he will push for a one-sided deal once again.

So how can parents avoid over-negotiating while at the same time lessen the risk of initiating a tug-of-war? Here are a few ideas that can help you with this issue:

1. As much as possible, involve your teenager in the decision-making process. Many (if not most) situations are negotiable to a certain extent. For example, if your teenage son wants to have some friends over on a Friday evening for pizza and watch a movie, you could say, "I might let you have your friends over. What are you going to do to earn that privilege? If I'm going to rent a movie and buy pizza, what do I get in return?" Then let your teenager come up with some ideas about what he can do to earn this privilege. If his proposal sounds reasonable, then you may want to accept it.

2. When you're teenager tells you that she wants something (e.g., your 16-year old daughter wants to go watch an R-rated movie with her friends), rather than simply saying "no," you could say, "Let me think about that and I'll give you an answer in a few minutes." In this case, you get on the computer or your smart phone to watch the trailer of the movie your daughter wants to watch. If it seems to be appropriate, then the answer can be "yes" (however, if you are paying for her movie ticket, she needs to do something in the way of chores to earn that money).

If it appears that the movie has too much violence, profanity or nudity, then you can say, "I don't believe that is an appropriate movie. Are there any other ones that are playing that you might be interested in? I was just on the movie theater’s website – go check it out and see what else is playing?" In this way, you're not verbally saying "no" (even though the real answer is "no"), and you are offering an alternative. Of course, this doesn't guarantee that you will avoid a power-struggle, but at least you're engaging in proper negotiation as opposed to over-negotiation.

3. Sometimes your teen will want something, and your answer could be, “I’m saying ‘no’ to that for now, but my answer might be ‘yes’ if you change a few things.” For example, let’s say your teen wants to spend the night at a friend’s house on Friday night, but she has volley ball practice the following morning (Saturday) at 8:00 A.M. – and you know that she will likely miss that practice because she and her friend will probably stay up most of the night.

So you could say, “The answer is ‘no’ for Friday night because you have to get up early for volley ball practice. However, I would not have a problem with you spending the night with your friend on Saturday.” In this way, you’re really saying “yes,” as long as the activity occurs on a different day. That’s good negotiation on your part.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If your teenager wants to do something and your answer is going to be "no" ...before saying "no," take a few minutes to think about why you don't want him or her to do this particular activity. Sometimes parents automatically say "no" without considering if the answer could really be "yes." For example, your teenager asks if he can go to Kings Island with his new friend and his friend’s parents, but you instinctively say, "No, I've never met your friend and I know nothing about his parents. Plus, I can't afford it right now."

But after you said "no," you regret the decision because it was a missed opportunity for your son to have a really cool trip -- and he would be out of your hair for the day. So, after rethinking the situation, you tell your teenager that you will reconsider IF he brings his friend over so you can meet him, and you will also discuss this with the friend's parents. This is another example of proper negotiation.

5. Of course, there will be times when the answer is "no" and there is ZERO room for negotiation (e.g., your teenager wants to go to a party where beer will be available, but he promises not to drink any). So you will do one of two things: either you will stick with "no," or you will cave-in and over-negotiate just to stop an argument.

Assuming that you're going to "stick to your guns," you can say, "I understand that you really want to go to that party. But I have thought about this long and hard, and I'm not willing to negotiate since there will be alcohol involved." In this way, you're not using the “N O” word, which may make it less likely that your teenager will pressure you into a power-struggle and your subsequent caving-in.

When we as parents over-negotiate, it usually creates a lose-win situation. Parents lose, teenagers win. While it's true that sometimes it's much easier just to give in, it's important to remember that once you "cave" to avoid an argument, you have also greatly increased the likelihood that your teenager will use pressure tactics in the future. In other words, with over-negotiation, you may avoid a power-struggle FOR NOW, but you inadvertently create more struggles for later.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Get Teens To Cooperate With No Nagging From Parents

Do you remember the last time you asked your teenager to do something, and she actually followed through fairly quickly – without you having to ask a second time? If you're like most parents, you do not remember the last time this happened, because your teenager has not responded to your "first requests" in a long time. Whether its chores, homework, turning off the computer, or stopping a fight with a sibling, most parents of defiant teens find themselves forever nagging and pleading and threatening.

Is it even possible to get a defiant teenager to respond to your first request? The answer is "absolutely." But it's going to take some time and effort on your part. Also, it's going to take some time for your teenager to get used to your new method. In this article, we are going to look at a simple 4-step method for getting your teen to cooperate fairly quickly. And as an added bonus, this method will also save you a lot of time and energy spent nagging – no more repeating your requests over and over again.

Step #1: At a time when you and your teenager are on good terms, the household is fairly quiet, and your teenager is calm, have a short conversation with her about how you are “tired of nagging.” For example, "There are many times where I have to ask you three or more times to do something, like chores and homework. I get tired of nagging, and you get tired of hearing me nag. So from this point forward, I'm going to do us both a favor and only ask one time; however, if you choose to ignore me, you will choose a consequence."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Step #2: Talk to your teen about rewards and consequences. Tell him you will be sure that “following through with requests” results in privileges, and “ignoring requests” results in consequences. Also let him know that the consequence will always fit the "crime." For example, if your teenager violates curfew one evening, then an appropriate consequence would be grounding him for the next evening – instead of withholding computer privileges. In this case, the computer had nothing to do with the rule violation. Pulling any old consequence out of your hat at the spur of the moment will likely make a bad problem worse. So, talk with your teenager about some specific examples of what he has to gain by following through on your first requests, and also talk about the specific consequences for lack of cooperation.

Step #3: While it's true that you are not going to nag anymore, you ARE going to allow more time for your teenager to follow through with your request than you may have in times past. In other words, you're not going to ask twice, but your teenager doesn't have to jump immediately to the task at hand (e.g., homework, chores, etc.). So in this way, your teen does NOT have the option of ignoring you, but he can choose (within a reasonable amount of time) when to honor your request. For example, instead of saying, "You haven't fed the dog yet. That's your job, and you need to do it right now!" ...you could say, "I noticed you haven't fed the dog yet. I'll give you 15 minutes to get it done." Then you can also add a rewards-consequence statement like, "If you feed the dog within the next 15 minutes, you can get on the computer for an hour. If you don't, then you can’t."

Note that in step #3, you are giving your teenager some choices, specifically whether or not to feed the dog - and when! This gives an element of control to your teenager, which will make it more likely that she will respond to your request rather than engage you in another power struggle. If she doesn't want to feed the dog within the 15-minute time frame – fine! You feed the dog, and she loses computer privileges.

Step #4: Here you're going to employ the "countdown." In other words, you will be giving one or two reminders as the time counts down. For example, at the 10-minute mark, you could say, "You have 10 minutes" ... and at the 5-minute mark, you could say, "Only five minutes left." So in all reality, this is similar to making three requests rather than one, but it certainly doesn't fall into the "nagging" category because you are not repeatedly saying, "Feed the dog ...you need to feed the dog ...have you fed the dog yet ...how many times do I have to tell you to feed that dog."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When you first begin using this 4-step method, bear in mind that your teenager will have to practice his new response a few times. If you have been resorting to nagging and pleading and threatening for many years now, your teenager is not going to now magically jump whenever you say “snap to.” He's going to test the system. So it's important that you be consistent with both the “rewards for cooperation” and the “consequences for noncooperation.” Know that your teenager is going to fail the first few times – and that’s o.k. Only through consistent practice will he fully understand that things have changed and he can no longer ignore your requests or put you in the position of having to repeat yourself multiple times. So, when he tests the limits and resorts to the usual "request-ignoring behavior," you simply follow through with what you have already told him you would do in steps 1 and 2.

Of course, there will be situations where a countdown is not possible. For example, if your teenager is having a tantrum and punching holes in the wall, you wouldn’t want to say, “You need to quit punching holes in the wall. You’ve got 15 minutes to stop it!” In situations like this, you obviously need to step-in and issue an immediate consequence (which in this case may include calling the cops).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Pick Your Parenting Battles: The Prioritizing Principle

As a parent, you have probably often heard the phrase "pick your battles carefully." Of course, this means that some battles should be fought, and some should be left alone. In other words, the really important matters need to be addressed (e.g., drug use), whereas some smaller issues can simply be ignored (e.g., sibling rivalry). However, there is one crucial component to "picking battles carefully," and that is prioritizing.

While it is important to pick your battles carefully, it's even more important to pick them one at a time. Too often, parents attempt to address multiple behavioral issues at once. For example:

Your teenage son comes home and tells you that he has been suspended from school for two days because he cussed-out his teacher (problem #1). So you wisely state that he will be "grounded" for those two days as well. Upon hearing this, your son becomes belligerent and calls you a "bitch" (problem #2). Your reaction to that is to add another consequence, specifically no television or computer privileges for these two days. This angers your son even more, so he stomps-off to his bedroom and slams his bedroom door so hard that the clock hanging on the wall crashes to the floor and breaks (problem #3). The next day, you discover that your son left the house while you were at work when he was supposed to be grounded (problem #4). So, when you get home, you tell him that he is now grounded for the rest of the week. He gets even angrier… and on it goes!

So, in this scenario, the first problem (a two-day suspension from school) resulted in four additional problems. Now let's replay this scenario and employ the "prioritizing principle":

Your son tells you that he has been suspended from school for two days. Since you don't want him to be running all over town during that time, you state that he will be grounded during the suspension. This angers him and he calls you a bad name. Being aware of the prioritizing principle, you calmly state, "Using that language is not acceptable. I understand that you're upset about being suspended and grounded for two days, but you surely don't expect a two-day vacation with a free pass to do whatever you want. I could ground you for a week - since you called me a name like that - but I'm willing to overlook it for now since we have this other issue to deal with."

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

In this way, the problems are less likely to pile-up. Now, here are the exact steps involved in the "prioritizing principle":

Let's assume that your teenage daughter has five behavioral issues that you want to address:

1. spending too much time texting her girlfriends instead of doing homework,
2. not cleaning her room,
3. chronically coming home about 30 minutes after curfew,
4. dating a much older boy that you do not approve of,
5. and constantly arguing with you about why she should be able to get her lip pierced.

Rather than fighting all these battles at once, you are going to pick the most urgent issue, and then break that issue down into even smaller sub-steps.

So, step one is to identify the current “most problematic” issue. The big question to ask yourself in order to identify this issue is, "Of the five problems I am currently having with my daughter, which one puts her safety at risk the most?" Some parents might say that curfew violation is a big safety issue. Others might believe that dating an older boy who may not be a good influence is the larger issue. But the point here is this: of the two top issues to address, your job is to only address one! So, let's say that you view curfew violation and dating an older boy as equally problematic. In keeping with the prioritizing principle, you choose to deal with the dating issue.

In step two, you have an agenda: to get your daughter to stop seeing her boyfriend. But you're going to break this down into small, manageable sub-steps. For example:

• Sub-step one might be to have a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter regarding your concerns about her older boyfriend. After you've spoken, you allow your daughter to speak her mind. Then let it rest. Don't fall into an argument. Both of you have said your piece – that's enough for now.
• Sub-step two might be to make contact with the parents of your daughter's boyfriend. Get to know them. See what they're like.
• Sub-step three might be to invite this boyfriend over to the house so you can get to know him.
• Sub-step four could include your evaluation of the boyfriend and his parents (now that you have met them) to see if this boy is, indeed, a bad influence. If not, you might consider allowing your daughter to see him – but only on certain occasions, in certain places, and at certain times. If the boyfriend or his parents do seem to be a poor influence, then you can create another sub-step. Perhaps this new sub-step would include a new house rule (e.g., "No boyfriends 18 years of age or older") and a consequence for violating the rule (e.g., "If you choose to see this young man, you also choose the consequence, which is grounding with no privileges – the duration yet to be determined").

So in the example above, you picked just ONE battle, but you also picked just ONE intervention at a time while dealing with it.

In summary, take time to understand the complexities of adolescence. This will help you empathize with your teenager when parent-child conflict arises. Remember that constant changes, pressure to conform, worries about the future, and personal insecurities produce an enormous amount of anxiety. The teenage years are some of the most trying years to manage, and the battles at home are usually a direct reflection of your teenager's emotional state. Thus, don’t forget to use the prioritizing principle when attempting to resolve behavioral issues.

Prioritize the issues that are the most important to address. Both mother and father should discuss which issues are non-negotiable, then communicate these expectations to their teenager. Keep in mind that these issues will differ for every family. Although teenagers will still push the boundaries, pre-emptive communication and use of the prioritizing principle will help defuse battles more quickly – and will also keep problems from piling up.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

No Emotional Pain = No Behavioral Change

This guy influences people to change :)

What can parents do when their defiant teenagers refuse to do chores, refuse to do their homework, refuse to get home by curfew, and even refuse to go to school?

The unfortunate truth is that you, as a parent, cannot MAKE your child do anything he or she doesn't want to do. If yelling, bribing, threatening, nagging and pleading changed unwanted behavior, then you wouldn't be having any parent-child conflict today.

When parents have made a habit of trying to "force" behavioral changes versus trying to "influence" change, they literally create defiant behavior in their teenagers. The defiant teen will fight against all attempts made to control him or her, whether it's by parents, teachers, or any other authority figures. Thus, one of the most important things we can do is decipher what we can control – as well as what we cannot.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We get into trouble on multiple levels when we "struggle" to get our children to behave. In other words, we make a bad problem worse. We have to think in terms of "influencing" our teens rather than (a) trying to dominate them with an authoritarian parenting style, or (b) giving up and letting them have their way with a passive parenting style. In addition, we need to relegate ourselves to those situations where we DO have control, and operate within those parameters – only!

What CAN you control as a parent?  

• You can control your own thoughts, words, behaviors, and attitude.
• While it's true that you cannot control your child's behavior, you do have control over his or her privileges (e.g., digital devices, allowance, car, etc.).
• You do have control over your own expectations.
• You have the ability to let your teenager know what those expectations are.
• You also have control around the consequences that can be issued when your expectations are not met (i.e., the withdrawal of privileges).

A defiant teenager will never work for what his parents want, but he will work for what he wants – and he wants certain treasured privileges. Parents can use this strong desire for privileges to their advantage. And this is where influencing comes in.

For example, you may not be able to get your teenage son to stop slamming his bedroom door when he's angry; however, if you state that one of your expectations is "no door-slamming," and the consequence for door-slamming is the removal of the door, then your son may be influenced to avoid door-slamming in the future (assuming he values the privilege of privacy).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Think of it like this: the last time you got a speeding ticket, you had to give some of your hard earned money away, which in turn, probably made you think twice before speeding on that same stretch of highway ever again. That's the power of influence. You paid the price for breaking a rule – and that price was significantly painful. I once ran through a railroad crossing while the gates were coming down. That incident cost me $115.00.

Was the cop being an asshole? No. I knew the law and the potential consequences for violating the law. But I chose to violate the law, which meant I also chose the associated consequence. The same principle holds true when it comes to parenting defiant teenagers. Poor choices must have a painful price tag. It is human nature to want to avoid pain, and most people are willing to change their behavior if it keeps them out of the "pain zone."

If you are parenting a defiant teenager, you need to understand that the only thing he or she will understand is the emotional PAIN associated with poor choices. Nagging, pleading, threatening, bargaining, yelling and bribing are NOT painful to your teen. In fact, these attempts to change unwanted behavior create an excitement in the defiant teenager that influences him or her to engage you in a “war-of-wills.”

Conversely, not having a bedroom door, not having access to the computer, not having any minutes on the cell phone, not having access to the family car, and confiscation of all digital devices is VERY painful. So painful in fact, that unless your teenager is a masochist, he or she may be influenced to meet your expectations in the future. So, emotional pain equals behavior change. Never forget this. And never feel guilty for being influential.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

BEST COMMENT: Great article. It makes sense to inspire children to focus on putting out effort for what's important for them vs. because we say so! I would like to add a plus one to the article. When your child asks for a privilege, you can always validate by agreeing first "I would love for you to be that, do that or have that...what do you need to do to make that show up for yourself?" This way, you are empowering your child or teenager vs. devaluing by saying something like "You didn't do this, so you don't get that." Kids respond much better to positive statements of what they can do, and what does work vs. what they can't have because of what they didn't do.

High Self-Esteem: A Cure for Bad Teen Behavior

The development of a positive self-esteem is extremely important to the happiness and success of adolescents. Self-esteem is how young people feel about themselves – and their behavior clearly reflects those feelings! For example, a teenager with high self-esteem will be able to tolerate frustration, take pride in her accomplishments, attempt new tasks and challenges, handle positive and negative emotions, assume responsibility, and act independently – all the traits that parents want their teens to have!!!

15 steps you can take to help your teen develop high self-esteem (and as a happy bi-product, improve his or her behavior as well):

1.  Help your adolescent learn from her mistakes. Give her constructive criticism when she attempts to resolve a particular problem, because she is taking responsibility and learning from it. When dealing with mistakes, assist your adolescent in identifying the problem, and then brainstorm solutions together. Allowing her to brainstorm with you will build her confidence and push her to become more involved in making positive changes in her life.

2.  Encourage your teenager to ask for what he wants assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that he will get it. Reinforce him for asking, and avoid anticipating his desires.

3. Show your adolescent that it is perfectly acceptable to make mistakes, and it is sometimes best to laugh at the mistakes. At times, it's better to find humor than to focus on the negativity that surrounds slip-ups and blunders. This will prevent your adolescent from dwelling on his mistakes and allow him to move forward and achieve success in where he made an error.

4. Encourage your teenager to behave toward herself the way she would like her friends to behave toward her.

5. Encourage your teenager to develop hobbies and interests which give him gratification and which he can pursue independently.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Have your adolescent set realistic goals, while encouraging him and praising him for achieving these goals. Assist your adolescent in reaching goals which he can fulfill. Reaching his goals will foster a sense of accomplishment. Your adolescent also learns that nothing is impossible – if he just tries.

7. Consider positive self-talk. Have your adolescent verbally say good things about herself. Point out your adolescent's strengths (e.g., sports that she is good at, subjects she has a strong knowledge of, etc.). Reinforce them when she encounters negativity and assist her in taking pride in her own accomplishments. The ability to identify positive things about herself is an important part of building high self-esteem.

8. Help your teenager develop tease tolerance by pointing out that some teasing can’t hurt. Help him learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk (e.g., “names can never hurt me,” “teasing has no power over me,” “if I can resist this joker, then I’m building emotional muscles,” etc.).

9. Help your teenager think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending on one option for fulfillment. A teen who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a teen who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can please you, you limit your potential for being content! The more you help your teenager realize that there are many options in every circumstance, the more you increase her potential for fulfillment.

10. Laugh with your teenager and encourage him to laugh at himself. Adolescents who take themselves too seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing a teenager’s overall quality of life.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Always be generous with praise. Look for occasions when your adolescent has displayed a new talent, accomplished a new task, acted unselfishly, or has demonstrated positive character traits. Praising your adolescent for a job well done fosters her independence and encourages her to think positively, because she knows she is doing a good job.

12. Let your teenager know she creates - and is responsible for - any feelings she experiences. Similarly, she is not responsible for other people’s feelings. Avoid blaming your teenager for how she feels.

13. When possible, let your teenager settle his own disputes between siblings and/or peers.

14. Allow your adolescent to make decisions on his own. Praise good decisions, but also allow him to take ownership of his own mistakes so he can learn from it. Don't always solve your teen’s problems for him, otherwise he will always depend on you when something goes awry. Try some “decision-making skill” exercises (e.g., making a list and weighing the consequences of each outcome). Letting your adolescent make his own choices promotes self-esteem because it empowers him and increases his confidence level.

15. Teach your teenager to change her “demands” to “preferences.” Point out to her that there is no reason she MUST get everything she wants, and that she need not feel angry either. Encourage her to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing her when she displays “appropriate irritation” rather than anger.

Adolescence is a turbulent time. Teenagers go through many changes during this time of their life. Factors such as hormones, moods and peer pressure can often influence a teenager's decisions. As a result, they may make bad choices, resulting in undesirable behavior and constant negativity. Having a positive self-esteem means you have pride in yourself and in what you do. Teenagers that have high self-esteem are filled with confidence and determination – and can make the right choices in life and become well-adjusted grown-ups.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Reducing Stress In Your Single-Parent Family

If you're raising a son or daughter on your own, you're in good company. Single-parent families are more common than ever. Child-rearing can be difficult under any circumstances, but without a spouse/partner, the stakes are even higher.

As a single mother or father, you probably have sole responsibility for most aspects of day-to-day child-care. This can result in added stress and fatigue. If you're too tired or distracted to be emotionally supportive or consistently discipline your youngster, behavioral problems can arise.

Single-parent families also generally have lower incomes and less access to health care. Juggling work and child-care can be financially difficult and socially isolating. You might worry about the lack of a male or female parental role model for your youngster, too.

How to reduce stress in your single-parent family:

1. Contradict negative stereotypes about the opposite sex. Share an example of a member of the opposite sex who doesn't fit the stereotype. Include in your life members of the opposite sex who aren't romantic partners. Seek out positive relationships with responsible members of the opposite sex who might serve as role models for your son or daughter. Show your youngster that it's possible to have long-term, positive relationships with members of the opposite sex. Look for opportunities to be positive. Point out accomplishments or positive characteristics of members of the opposite sex in your family, the community, or even the media. Avoid making broad, negative statements about the opposite sex.

2. Take advantage of local resources. Many communities offer play groups, after-school activities, and parenting classes. These can give you and your youngster a chance to have fun, learn, and make new friends.

3. Don't blame yourself or spoil your youngster to try to make up for being a single mother or father. Feeling guilty about the divorce only makes a challenging situation even more challenging.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If you need regular child-care, look for a qualified care-giver who can provide stimulation in a safe environment. Don't rely on an older son or daughter as your only baby-sitter. Be careful about asking a new friend or partner to watch your youngster.

5. Explain house rules and expectations to your youngster (e.g., speaking respectfully), and enforce them. Work with other adults in your youngster's life to provide consistent discipline. Consider re-evaluating certain limits (e.g., your youngster's screen time) when he/she shows the ability to accept more responsibility.

6. Don’t forget to play and have fun. Take a break from your busy routine to plan something special for you and your youngster (e.g., a trip to the zoo, going out for ice cream, etc.).

7. If you're dating, consider the impact your new romantic partner will have on your son or daughter. Look for a partner who will treat both you and your youngster with respect. Consider waiting until you've established a solid relationship with someone before introducing him/her to your youngster. When you're ready to make the introduction, explain to your son or daughter some of your new partner's positive qualities. Don't expect your new partner and your youngster to become close immediately, however. Give them time to get to know each other.

8. Invite a positive and responsible family member or friend to spend time with your youngster. Young people tend to do very well later in life when they have an involved, caring mentor during childhood. If you don't have a family member or friend available, groups like Big Brothers/Big Sisters can help.

9. Include physical activity in your daily routine. Eat a healthy diet, and get plenty of sleep. Arrange time to do activities you enjoy alone or with close friends. Just be sure to take care of yourself.

10. It's OK to be honest with your youngster if you're having a difficult time after a divorce, but remind him/her that things will get better. Try to keep your sense of humor when dealing with everyday challenges. Stay positive as much as possible.

11. If you don’t get to spend enough time with your son or daughter, look for creative solutions (e.g., find out if your job lets you work flexible hours).

12. Remember to praise your youngster. Give him/her your unconditional love and support. Set aside time each day to do something together, or simply sit with your youngster.

13. Structure (e.g., regularly scheduled meals and bedtimes) helps your youngster know what to expect. So, create a routine and stick with it.

14. Accept help. If friends and family offer their help, take it! This can mean having someone play with your youngster while you run errands or having someone to call when you need to talk.

15. Many single-parent families are the result of divorce or separation. If this is the case in your family, talk to your youngster about the changes you're facing. Listen to your youngster's feelings and try to answer his/her questions honestly — avoiding unnecessary details or negativity about the other parent. Remind your youngster that he/she did nothing to cause the divorce or separation, and that you'll always love him/her. A counselor might be able to help you and your son or daughter talk about problems, fears or concerns. Try to regularly communicate with your youngster's other parent about your youngster's care and well-being to help him/her adapt.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Work out a carpool schedule with other parents. Join a support group for single moms and dads, or seek social services. Call on trusted loved ones, friends and neighbors for help. Faith communities can be helpful resources, too. Learn to lean on others.

17. If you're a single mom, you may have to deal with a male parent who isn't very involved in your youngster's life. No matter what you do, you can't force your youngster's dad to get onboard. However, how you explain the situation to your youngster is crucial. Although having a father-figure is valuable, it's not everything – you don't NEED an adult male to help raise your youngster. But, don't talk negatively about your youngster's dad (don't glorify him, either). Leave the door open for responsible contact between your youngster and his/her dad, but know that if you try to force a relationship between father and child, your child is bound to feel disappointed and rejected.

18. If you are a single father, be sure to communicate regularly with your kids. There are too many dads who do not talk enough about “feelings.” This doesn't imply that they are not involved or care less; in homes where the dad is playing both the parents, sometimes there is very little time for a sit-down conversation about the day’s events and how the children feel about those events. Try to keep a track of what's going on in school. Take interest in your youngster's studies and know how he or she is faring in tests. Showing interest in your kids’ education gives them the feeling that you are involved. Also, try to show your softer side. The gentler you are with your kids, the more capable they will be in dealing with the absence of their mom – and they will be more comfortable in sharing their matters with you. And lastly, get in touch with other single dads. Talk to them and share your experiences. Sharing your feelings with other fathers who are in the same position as you will make you a better parent, because you will probably get some crucial parenting tips from the other single dads who have been single longer than you.

19. Allow yourself to have some “alone-time.” You need to relax once in a while too! This can be as simple as taking 10 minutes to read some in a good book after your youngster goes to bed.

20. Lastly, never forget that being a single mother or father can be a rewarding experience. By showing your love and respect, talking honestly and staying positive, you can lessen the stress of single parenting and help your son or daughter thrive.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen Lies About Bad Grades

“Our teenage son is doing K12-online high school. We are seeing problems with him thinking that he is smarter than everyone else, not doing schoolwork because he thinks it is 'dumb', then lying to us when confronted by the bad grades. How should we deal with this lying issue?”

One of the perpetual problems that many parents face is lying by their teens. Moms and dads will often personalize this problem and view it as a sign that their teens lack respect for them. Parents may also believe that their parental authority is being undermined when their teens distort the truth.

Moms and dads need to understand that all behavior is purposeful, even the habit of lying. Some lying is a common feature of the human experience. Rather than focus on the specific lies told by their teens and the implications of those lies, parents would be well-served in trying to understand the purposes underlying their teen's need to distort the truth.

When moms and dads confront their teens about their pattern of lying, they may inadvertently make the problem worse. They may unintentionally promote a power-struggle and cause their teens to actually become more deceptive about their behavior.

I believe that moms and dads need to rethink their perspective for dealing with their teens when they lie. I recommend they never use the word “lying” in front of their teenagers. Use of the word “lie” sets up an adversarial dynamic. It is preferable to use phrases such as "you need to be more up-front with me" or "you need to be honest with me." This relaxes the encounter and makes it more likely that you will get to the bottom of the situation.

Oftentimes, young people will lie if they feel intimidated or feel excessive pressure from a mother or father. For example, an adolescent may be afraid of harsh, punitive treatment as a consequence for poor grades. Talking with your son or daughter on an on-going basis about the nature and quality of his or her work – rather than focusing on assessment – is helpful in promoting more truthfulness.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The teenage years may be the most difficult developmental period for dealing with lying. Teens, during adolescence, are looking for ways to separate from their moms and dads through experimentation, concealing information, and acting guarded. Try to keep the lines of communications open. Set appropriate boundaries and limits.

Monitor your teen closely for substance abuse, and other acting-out behaviors. Never accept excuses for inappropriate behavior. Set logical consequences and stick to them. By setting these parameters, you can reduce the opportunity for your teenagers to engage in lying.

Some guidelines for parents to cope with teens who conceal the truth are:

• All behavior is purposeful, even lying. Lying is not always intentional deceit and may be aimed at getting attention from moms and dads or manipulating a situation.
• All teens will lie on occasion. It is inevitable. Remember your childhood?
• As a parent, role-model honest communications and behavior demonstrating integrity with your teen. Teens may pick up on inconsistencies in parenting and use those patterns as a reason to be untruthful and manipulative.
• Monitor your teen's behavior – without over-involvement – to see if you notice any red-flags.
• Never make the issue of deception the main focal point of your conversations. Lying is always a byproduct of other more meaningful areas of exploration with your teen.
• Never set-up your son or daughter by being aware of a lie and then asking him or her for the truth without discussing that you have information. Acknowledge up-front that you know what's going on.
• Reframe the word “lying.” Use terminology that means the same, but softens the conflict.
• Stay out of power-struggles with teenagers over deception. If you know they are being untruthful, merely acknowledge it and set reasonable, logical consequences.
• Teens may be embarrassed or sensitive about telling the truth. Acknowledge those feelings with them, but insist on knowing the truth.
• When teens tell the truth, reinforce their positive behavior.

Remember that lying is purposeful behavior that can be minimized with healthy involvement with your adolescent, appropriate monitoring, sensitivity and understanding, and role-modeling of honest, open, and emotionally expressive communications.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Questionnaire To Help Decide If Your Teen Is Using Drugs

While it's natural for adolescents to be somewhat rebellious and have a social life that consists of questionable peers, music, romance and parties, they can also be guarded and mysterious, especially with their moms and dads. Sometimes it takes a little detective work to find out if your adolescent is using drugs.

Nearly half of all adolescents will try drugs before they turn 18. Some use marijuana and/or alcohol regularly. A relatively small amount of adolescents are addicted to drugs, but that number is growing.

Use the questionnaire below to help decide if your teenage son or daughter is using drugs or alcohol:

1. Are there drastic changes in your teen’s appearance?  This is one of the first cries for attention if that is what she is seeking.

2. Does your teen have altered eating and/or sleeping habits (e.g., poor appetite and insomnia)? Sudden desires for sweets as well as weight loss indicate addictive swings typical of drug use.

3. Does your teen make a number of excuses for why he comes home late?

4. Does your teen refuse to talk to you, other than using simple one word replies (e.g., “yes,” “no,” “I don’t know,” etc.)? And have you notice her exhibiting slurred speech?

5. Does your teen smell funny? If he is drinking or doing drugs, you may be able to smell it on his clothes or breath. If he smells like he just sprayed on perfume or cologne, he may be trying to cover up the scent.

6. Has your teen been missing classes? Note any calls from school authorities with complaints about her attendance and/or behavior.

7. Has your teen lost interest in sports or hobbies he once enjoyed? Take seriously any mysterious rejection of interests that were once important to your teenager. Watch if he loses interest in his usual activities. He might abandon his previous hobbies, or take up new ones.

8. Has your teen started carrying eye drops, or is she wearing sunglasses a lot (to hide dilated pupils or red eyes caused by marijuana)?

9. Has your teen started staying away from home more than ever before? If so, ask where she is going and who's going to be with her.

10. Has your teen’s attitude changed for the worse? She might become excessively rude and more rebellious than usual, and she might refuse to do any chores unless paid.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Has your teen’s behavior changed for the worse? Look for behavioral changes (e.g., excessive sleepiness, lack of sleep, bouts of nausea and/or throwing up in the toilet, an air of indifference, quick anger, irritability, unresponsiveness or spaciness, etc.).

12. Has your teen’s mood changed for the worse? She may be grouchy and may mope around in a lazy fashion most of the time.

13. Have there been occasions when money or valuables are missing around the house?

14. Have you found drug paraphernalia in your teen’s room? If you suspect drug use by your adolescent, this is one of those times that you need to be the mother or father who checks her personal area.

15. If your teen has his driving license and his own car, does his car smell funny?

16. Is there a change in your teen’s hygiene and/or appearance? Look for indications that your son or daughter may have begun taking drugs and spending time with a "drug" crowd (e.g., glassy eyes, new piercings, tattoos, sloppy clothing, general lack of hygiene, etc.).

17. Is your adolescent avoiding having you meet his new friends?

18. Is your teen always asking for money? He might be spending his money on drugs. If he asks for money, ask him what he needs it for.

19. Is your teen hanging out with a different crowd? Her friends may be more rebellious than usual, and/or she might bring home new friends, or neglect her old ones. Is she ignoring her usual friends in favor of a new group who dress different or seem to have lesser morals?

20. Is your teen starting to have falling grades? Adolescents who use drugs sometimes are less likely to value academic performance, so this is a telltale sign. Stay in touch with teachers if a change is apparent. Search for drastic drops, not just little dips. This could be due to anything.

If your adolescent is displaying some of these signs, it does not necessarily mean he or she is taking drugs. It could just be a new phase or an attempt to keep up with the "cool" crowd. Talk to your teen, and get professional help if necessary.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Stop "Back-Talk" in Disagreeable Teens

“Initially, my husband and I were concerned that our son, Robby, who is 13, did not fit the ‘profile’ of an out-of-control teen. We were motivated to seek outside help and guidance due to the negative attitude we felt we were experiencing with him. This was primarily a ‘talking back’ issue where Robby would continually talk back to us, mutter under his breath, and be purposely rude and disagreeable. Additionally we saw problems of him thinking that he was smarter than everyone else. Any tips for dealing with back talk?”

With a little understanding and self-restraint, moms and dads can put a lid on talking back. The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the kids who use it. The youngster could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But kids who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

Behavior Tracking—

Moms and dads need to do some behavior tracking: For 3 days, make notes about what your son says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when young people talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your son, but you can learn how to fight fair:

1. Define what the problem is
2. Define how to rectify it 
3. Don't attack, belittle, or condemn (unless you want some back talk)
4. Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

13-year-olds are notorious for putting moms and dads on the defensive (after all, they are officially a teenager at that point, with an attitude to match). For example, say your son borrowed a ring that had sentimental value, and then he lost it. You might yell, "How could you be so damn irresponsible!" Look out though – he will most likely turn your reaction around on you (e.g., "Oh, so you've never lost anything before? Excuse me for not being perfect!").

Instead of attacking, try talking in concrete terms, such as, "When you _____ (insert the behavior he exhibited), I felt _____ (insert how you felt about his behavior)." 

As strange as it may seem, be sure to use the same restraint and respect you would show a guest in your home. The goal is for you to express your feelings ABOUT his behavior rather than accusing him of “misbehaving.” This lessens the likelihood that he will feel attacked, which in turn lessens the likelihood that you will be on the receiving end of back talk.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Talk Your Way Through Parent-Child Conflict

Conflict between you and your adolescent shouldn’t come as a surprise. This is the age where she will begin embracing independent thinking. Parent-child conflict isn’t necessarily symptomatic of an unhealthy or unhappy household (unless arguing becomes the standard mode of communication).

Family members need to feel free to express their feelings honestly, including airing grievances rather than to repress them. That’s how issues get resolved before small disagreements snowball into more serious problems. However, in order for confrontations to ultimately be productive, everyone needs to observe certain ground rules. As moms and dads, it falls to us to model the behaviors and attitudes conducive to healthy conflict-resolution.

Below are 12 tips for talking your way through parent-child conflict:

1. Don't step on your teen’s tongue. It's tempting to dive-in and over-react to something your adolescent just said. Let your teen have the first word! Listen without interrupting. When she has expressed her viewpoint, then - and only then - should you respond. Take the high road here. Always let your adolescent speak first. Teenagers we surveyed said that if they have a chance to talk first, they're more receptive to what their mom or dad says. Once adolescents get to speak their minds, they're usu¬ally willing to listen to “reason.”

2. Control the things you can, and don’t try to control the things you can’t. For example, let's say your adolescent is “back-talking” you. You might be tempted to say, "You will NOT speak to me like that!" Unfortunately, this come-back throws gas on the fire, because a state¬ment like this challenges your teen to prove she – not you – controls her tongue. A better option would be to say something like, "I'll be glad to listen to you when you speak to me more politely." Now you're saying what you will do, which is something you can control.

3. If you do issue a complaint, be very specific (e.g., “Michael, you forgot to give me 3 phone messages last week – one from my boss, one from your father, and one from grandma” …rather than, “You always forget to take messages”).

4. Briefly explain your reasoning. Some adolescents say they simply don't understand what their moms and dads are asking them to do. Explain the reasons for your request or rule, and then have your adolescent restate what you've told her (e.g., "I know you want to go with your friends to the movies tonight. But you were out late last night and could hardly get up in time to catch the school bus. I don’t have time to play taxicab driver when you miss the bus. You’re free to be with your friends over the weekend, but not tonight").

5. Only deal with the current issue. Don't dredge up past failures or mistakes. Also, don't compare your adolescent with anyone — living or dead, related or unrelated.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Avoid the words "always" and "never" (e.g., “You always get angry whenever you have to hear the word ‘no’ ” …or “You never follow through with what I ask you to do”).

7. Ask your teenager to offer his solution to the problem. Your ultimate goal should be to resolve the conflict – not win the argument. If your teen’s solution sounds workable, then give it a shot. If his solution sounds ridiculous, then fine tune his idea a bit so that it can be more workable.

8. Ask yourself, “Is this issue really worth arguing about? How important is this situation, anyway?” Maybe it’s possible to work toward a win-win solution, or at least one that everyone can live with. Choose your battles carefully. Stand up for the values that are most important to you and to your adolescent's safety, but consider flexibility on the smaller issues.

9. Get off to a good start. The first 3 minutes of a confrontation usually dictate how the rest of it will go. Begin the conversation with a soft voice, and you’ll increase the odds that the discussion will be productive. As one adolescent stated, “My dad and I could talk about our problems because he treated as an equal instead of talking down to me.”

10. Take a time-out when needed. If you or your adolescent are getting too pumped-up, take a break. It doesn't hurt to put a confrontation on hold until everyone has calmed down.

11. Model what you want your adolescent to do. When moms and dads scream or point fingers, teenagers figure that it's okay for them to do the same. They also put up a stone wall and get into "fight" mode.

12. Consider sending an email or a text message rather than face-to-face confrontation. Emailing or texting gives you time to sort through your thoughts and express yourself wisely. Also, it gives your adolescent time to respond instead of reacting defensively. That's what a father discovered when his 16-year-old daughter wanted to see an R-rated movie. He kept telling her ‘no’ – and the two of them kept arguing. Finally, the father sent his daughter an email explaining his reason for saying ‘no’. The daughter never asked about it again, and even seemed warmer toward him than she had been for a long time.

There are many important misunderstandings that occur both with the parent and with the teenager that, if recognized, would not only reduce conflict, but strengthen the relationship. While conflict between parents and their teenagers is not of itself a bad thing, the manner in which we choose to resolve these conflicts is what ultimately determines the outcome – and stress – each encounters.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen Shuts You Out

Is your teenager shutting you out? In other words, she won’t talk to you – and she ignores you when you try to talk to her. You know something is bothering your teen, but she’s not going to tell you what it is. She’s either mad at you or someone else – but in the meantime, you’re getting the cold shoulder.

A teenager may use the silent treatment as a way to freeze parents out, to get them to leave her alone, and to push their buttons. What most moms and dads don’t realize is that, under the surface, something else is going on.

In general, most silent treatment is an indication of poor communication skills. The teen can’t solve her own problems, and as a result, she becomes resentful toward her parent(s). Some silent treatment indicates an inability to articulate one’s feelings during parent-child conflict. These teens are sometimes referred to as “emotionally shut-down.” Silent treatment intended to inflict emotional punishment is present in the teenager who has “shutdown,” especially if she has anger management issues (e.g., "You made me angry, so now I am going to punish you").

How parents can cope when their teen is shutting them out:

1. Avoid trying to find a logical explanation for your teen’s strange behavior. Sometimes it's better to simply view it as “a teenage phase” and not take it personally.

2. Be sure NOT to use the silent treatment on your teen to “show her how it feels.” This rarely improves communication.

3. Don't blame yourself for it. The silent treatment is a poor choice of communication strategy – and that is not your choice.

4. Express how this treatment makes you feel, but do it at a time when your teen appears to be in a decent mood. When things are calm, let your teenager know that you do sincerely want to work things through, but if that's not going to happen in the near future, you may not continue "volunteering" to be frozen out (e.g., "It really hurts that you're shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we could put this behind us. If this continues much longer, I'm going to need to stop waiting and just assume that you simply want to be left alone. I don't want to do that, which is why I'm telling you now.").

5. Make sure you're not simply over-reacting. Sometimes, it's not about you at all. Perhaps your teen is being quiet because she is having personal problems – but doesn’t want to confide in you. If this is the case, you shouldn't take it personally. Perhaps back off a bit and leave some space. However, withdrawing from friends can be a feature of depression, so sometimes reaching out may be exactly what your teenager needs.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Never make the mistake of reacting in anger to your teen’s cold shoulder. Your “reacting” gives her power over you. When your teen is angry or upset with you (or encounters a problem she can't fix), she may rely on the silent treatment as a poor attempt to get her needs met. Thus, you have to coach her by saying something like, “Ignoring me and refusing to talk won’t solve your problems.” The key is to motivate your teen to give up that broken problem-solving strategy and find an appropriate one that actually works.

7. Question your own behavior. When did the silent treatment start? What happened that day or in the days just before the behavior changed? Could you have done or said something insensitive? Try to understand what could have set-off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of ways you can work on the situation.

8. Rehearse what you're going to say in the event you want to confront your teen on the matter. You want to feel like you said what you needed to say, so plan it ahead of time. It's easy to get defensive, or to come off the wrong way if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with your teenager and say out loud what you want to say. Listen to the way you make your statement and adjust your tone if need be.

9. Spend some time away from your teenager if needed, especially if you are feeling emotionally drained from the lack of communication. Time away from her may help her realize how important the relationship is to her, prompting her to initiate speaking to you again.

10. Stay positive. Subconsciously or consciously, the giver of the silent treatment WANTS to see you upset. So, try your best to stay out of her way and be positive (e.g., when you attempt to strike up a conversation, but all you’re met with is a cold shoulder, simply respond by going to the other room to watch some TV).

11. The silent treatment is about control.  It only works if the parent relinquishes control to the teenager who is being silent.  The more you try to get your teen to break her silence, the more you are allowing yourself to be controlled by her, and the less likely it is that she will talk.  After all, you are giving her exactly what she wants: control. She is likely to keep the silent treatment going if she knows it is bothering you, or use it again in the future when she feels the need to get revenge.

12. Try setting some serious emotional boundaries. This can be the hardest part: after you have apologized and attempted to understand what is going on, you have done your part. Now, it is up to your teenager to step up and begin communicating with you. If she does not, that is her decision. You can’t fix this without cooperation from her.

There are all sorts of motives for – and styles of – the silent treatment, but they all boil down to one commonality: a teen gives the silent treatment to her parents because it gives her a feeling of control over them. Maybe the best thing a parent can do in this situation is to try to find a better way for the teenager to feel like she has some control over her life.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Help Teens Solve Their Own Problems

Adolescents, by virtue of their “not fully-developed” brains, typically have poor problem-solving skills. As a result, they struggle in many areas of their lives. When they encounter unfamiliar complications, they may become overwhelmed and unable to resolve problems independently, which often translates into behavioral issues (e.g., back-talk, disrespect, violation of house-rules, etc.).

Teenagers encounter so many different problems during adolescence. Tough teenage challenges coupled with poor problem-solving skills often influences teens to act-out in ways they never would if they knew how to solve their dilemmas. They have social problems (e.g., the inability to get along well with certain peers), functional problems (e.g., meeting responsibilities at home or school), and emotional problems (e.g., feeling angry, sad, frustrated or helpless). Many adolescents who lack problem-solving skills will simply try to avoid the problem completely; they will ignore it in hopes that it will go away. Unfortunately, problems don’t simply disappear.

The key to effective problem-solving involves developing a variety of solutions first. Then, evaluating the advantages and disadvantages of each solution before choosing which solution is most likely to be the best. Simply recognizing that there are many ways to solve the same issue can be eye opening to adolescents.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Below is a solid problem-solving strategy that you can – and should – teach your teenager. The better your teen is at solving her own problems, the less behavioral issues you will see as a parent.

Teach your teen to solve virtually any problem by using this 7-step approach:

1. Define the problem
2. Examine potential causes for the problem
3. Identify some alternatives to resolve the problem
4. Carefully select an alternative
5. Develop a plan to implement that best alternative
6. Carefully monitor implementation of the plan
7. Verify if the problem has been resolved or not

We will use the following scenario throughout in order to demonstrate each step:

You have noticed a change in your daughter’s attitude and behavior recently. She seems a bit down-in-the-dumps and has had a very short fuse lately. One evening over dinner, your daughter asserts, “Nobody likes me!” This catches you off-guard, because it sounds like such an exaggeration. In your shock and dismay, you might even ask, “Why would you say such a thing? That’s simply not true!” After a little investigation on your part, your daughter reveals that a few of her ‘friends’ at school have been making fun of her (i.e., emotional bullying). These peers have been saying some very hurtful things (e.g., you’re fat, ugly, stupid). So, being the perceptive parent that you are, you help your daughter to solve her own problem…

1. Define the problem: This is often where teens struggle. They react to what they “think” the problem is (e.g., “nobody likes me”). Instead, help your teen to understand more about why she thinks there is a problem by asking her the following questions:

• What is happening?
• How is it happening?
• When is it happening?
• Where is it happening?
• Why do you think it is happening?
• With whom is it happening?

2. Examine potential causes for the problem: Help your teen look at the possible contributors to the issue at hand (e.g., are these “bullying classmates” jealous for some reason, did your daughter say or do something to “piss them off”). Your daughter can start by writing down a description of the potential cause(s) of the problem in terms of what is happening, where, when, how, with whom and why.

3. Identify some alternatives to resolve the problem: At this point, it is helpful to brainstorm for solutions to the problem. Brainstorming is simply collecting as many ideas as possible, then screening them to find the best idea. It's critical when collecting the ideas to not pass any judgment on them. Instead, just write them down as you think of them. For example, can your daughter do any of the following?

• avoid fighting back – this inevitably makes a bad problem worse
• report the emotional abuse to a teacher or other school staff
• avoid drawing attention to herself (e.g., trying to act "cool" or saying outrageous things) – this makes it more satisfying for the bullies to bring her down
• realize that if there is just one bully who has a group of friends that follow her, it's most likely they are her friends involuntarily (in this case, your daughter could try to make small talk with them when they are alone, listen to them, and be genuinely interested in what they are saying)
• kill them with kindness (e.g., saying something nice "back to them" when they insult her)
• avoid talking to them – talking to them will give them a chance to be mean to her
• avoid reacting to their rude comments (e.g., ignore them, just smile and walk off)
• avoid giving them the attention they clearly want – bullies want attention
• simply ask the bullies why they are repeatedly making such rude comments – they may be jealous, angry, or possibly insecure

4. Carefully select an alternative: When helping your teen to select the best approach, consider: (a) which approach is the most realistic to accomplish for now (e.g., simply avoiding and ignoring the bullies), (b) which approach is the most likely to solve the problem for the long-term (e.g., recruiting the help of vigilant teachers), and (c) what is the extent of risk associated with each alternative (e.g., “killing them with kindness” might be perceived by the bullies as sarcastic).

5. Develop a plan to implement that best alternative: Help your teen to carefully answer the following questions:

• How much time will I need to implement my proposed solution?
• What steps should be taken to implement the best alternative to solving the problem? 
• Who can help me resolve this problem?
• What will the situation look like when the problem is solved?

Have your teen write down the answers to the above questions and consider this as her action plan.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Carefully monitor implementation of the plan: Your teen can monitor the indicators of success by asking herself the following:

• Was the plan realistic?
• Should more priority be placed on various aspects of the plan?
• Should the plan be changed?
• Am I seeing the results that I want to see?

7. Verify if the problem has been resolved or not: One of the best ways to verify if a problem has been solved or not is to ask your teen the following:

• Have the “putdowns” aimed at you by these girls decreased in frequency?
• What did you learn from this problem solving activity?
• Have you been able to identify a "main" bully (i.e., the leader of the pack), and if so, have you been able to befriend some of the bully's followers?
• What changes should be made to avoid this type of problem in the future?

True, it takes a lot of time, energy and patience to teach problem-solving skills to your teenager. As a parent, you may feel it is faster and more efficient to just take care of the problem yourself (e.g., talking to the parents of the bullies, or going to the school and yelling at the principal); however, if you do that, you will be raising a teen who can’t be depended upon to accomplish tasks, can’t function independently, doesn't know how to solve her own problems, has low self-esteem, and runs to you to fix everything.

Of course, the parent wants her or his kids to be confident, self-sufficient, happy and successful. But for that to happen, they need the opportunity to grow. This requires a mom or dad who is willing to step back and let teens experience life and all its painful challenges – and then help them to help themselves.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Bond With Your Emotionally-Distant Teenager

If you're like every other parent, you don't always bond with your teenager. He might create distance between you just at the times when you most long to become closer. He might be busy on the computer, the phone, with his friends, or homework. When you try to talk to him, he doesn't listen, or just leaves the room. He thinks that you are embarrassing, and you don't know how to change that.

Despite your best intentions and efforts, creating a meaningful bond with your adolescent isn't always easy. But, you're not alone. A feeling of distance between parent and teenager is a normal part of development, but you don't have to feel like you're losing your son or daughter. By putting in just a little bit of effort, you can re-bond with your adolescent. 

Here are some tips to help you bond with your emotionally-distant teenager:

1. Ask your adolescent to teach you how to produce an online photo gallery. Most young people today were raised in the digital age and are skilled when it comes to anything technological. Why not bond over lessons on how to make a digital photo gallery or a family webpage or blog?

2. Communicate the way your teen prefers (e.g., email, text message, instant message, or non-embarrassing post on his favorite social media website). It may be easier for him to discuss sensitive subjects electronically, without having to face you, even if it feels impersonal to you.

3. Create a routine that involves being in the same place at the same time. Preparing dinner together every night or at least once a week will give you both something to do together without much pressure. Any household chores or mundane task that allows you to be with each other, but that doesn't require a lot of thought or conversation, can create a comfortable zone that allows your adolescent to open up to you, even if the discussion is about random things. Teenagers tend to feel more comfortable talking to you when they don't have to look at you, such as while driving.

4. Discuss movies. Whether you're talking about a classic favorite or one of today's hottest films, sharing your taste in movies is another way to bond with your adolescent.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Don’t make your teen wrong. Just because your teen wants to do things differently does not make her wrong necessarily. For example, while most moms and dads want their teenagers to go to college, maybe they not interested right now. If your teen does not want to go to college, instead of being dismayed, see if you can strike a compromise. Perhaps she can work part-time and go to school part-time. Or perhaps instead of a miscellaneous degree, she can attend a technical school. When it comes to teens, sometimes letting go a little allows them to grow a lot.

6. Encourage your adolescent to have a healthy self-esteem by telling him at least one positive thing about him each day. Ask him to name something he likes about himself or feels confident about in addition to what you named to reinforce a positive self-image.

7. Enjoy her favorite sitcom and watch it with her every week.

8. Get to know your teen’s friends by spending time with her and her closest friends. Take her and one or two of her closest friends for pedicures, shopping or attend a new class (e.g., pottery, jewelry making, cooking). Finding a common activity that you can share with your adolescent and her friends will likely earn you a few points with everyone as long (as you don't intrude or embarrass her).

9. Give your teen some responsibility. You may wonder, as a mother or father, how giving your teen some responsibility is a way to reconnect with her. If done in the right manner and not as a command or an order, giving your teen responsibility around the house shows her that you trust her. It may be something as simple as picking up her younger sister after school or going to the post office if she is newly licensed. Small gestures of responsibility give her a feeling that you view her as a young woman now. This will instill a sense of pride and gratitude to you for trusting her more and more now.

10. Give your teen some space. In any relationship, sometimes a little space is necessary. It is no good to be on top of someone else in an effort to make them see things your way or to gain control. If you take some time and step away and keep it casual, chances are more than likely your teen will seek you out if you give her the opportunity to.

11. Go to her practices, recitals or sporting events and cheer for her. She may not acknowledge your presence, though she most likely wants you there for support (as long as you aren't embarrassing her).

12. Learn how to play one of his favorite video games and play with him.

13. Make yourself available to your adolescent. Hang out in a common area of your home or establish a routine where you are clearly available at the same time every day or the same night each week so your teenager knows where to find you if - and when - she needs to talk.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Plan at least one outing or activity with your adolescent each month. Take turns planning the activity so he has some control over what you do. Give him a budget and time frame and allow him to choose where you go or what you do. This allows you to learn more about each other's interests and might surprise you both.

15. Share a book. If your teenager is an avid reader, as him to recommend a few books you might like, too. Read one and see what new conversations you can initiate as a result.

16. Share some music. Adolescents feel things deeply, and they often connect with their emotions through music. Ask your teenager to share a few of her favorite songs with you and keep an open mind about what you're hearing.

17. Share some of your interests with your adolescent. She might relate to you more when you let her know about a few of the mistakes you made as an adolescent. She might want to get to know “the real you” more if you begin sharing your hobbies and interests that go beyond the mother or father.

18. Take a short road trip and let your teen drive. This is perfect for the adolescent with a new driver's license. The destination could be anywhere, but venturing out to any fun spot of your adolescent's choosing would fit the bill for an afternoon of bonding. It could be as easy as regular practice sessions in the country or on city streets so that your teen can perfect her driving skills.

19. Take an interest in your adolescent and her hobbies.

20. Talk to your adolescent and go beyond simple "how was your day?" questions. Ask him how he feels about current events, or educate yourself on something he enjoys and ask him about it (avoid personal questions that will most likely cause him to shut you out).

As a mother or father, you may fear that years of being a disciplinarian has negatively affected your relationship with your teenager. Use the tips listed above to press the "reset" button and renew your bond with your adolescent.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents