How To Talk Your Way Through Parent-Child Conflict

Conflict between you and your adolescent shouldn’t come as a surprise. This is the age where she will begin embracing independent thinking. Parent-child conflict isn’t necessarily symptomatic of an unhealthy or unhappy household (unless arguing becomes the standard mode of communication).

Family members need to feel free to express their feelings honestly, including airing grievances rather than to repress them. That’s how issues get resolved before small disagreements snowball into more serious problems. However, in order for confrontations to ultimately be productive, everyone needs to observe certain ground rules. As moms and dads, it falls to us to model the behaviors and attitudes conducive to healthy conflict-resolution.

Below are 12 tips for talking your way through parent-child conflict:

1. Don't step on your teen’s tongue. It's tempting to dive-in and over-react to something your adolescent just said. Let your teen have the first word! Listen without interrupting. When she has expressed her viewpoint, then - and only then - should you respond. Take the high road here. Always let your adolescent speak first. Teenagers we surveyed said that if they have a chance to talk first, they're more receptive to what their mom or dad says. Once adolescents get to speak their minds, they're usu¬ally willing to listen to “reason.”

2. Control the things you can, and don’t try to control the things you can’t. For example, let's say your adolescent is “back-talking” you. You might be tempted to say, "You will NOT speak to me like that!" Unfortunately, this come-back throws gas on the fire, because a state¬ment like this challenges your teen to prove she – not you – controls her tongue. A better option would be to say something like, "I'll be glad to listen to you when you speak to me more politely." Now you're saying what you will do, which is something you can control.

3. If you do issue a complaint, be very specific (e.g., “Michael, you forgot to give me 3 phone messages last week – one from my boss, one from your father, and one from grandma” …rather than, “You always forget to take messages”).

4. Briefly explain your reasoning. Some adolescents say they simply don't understand what their moms and dads are asking them to do. Explain the reasons for your request or rule, and then have your adolescent restate what you've told her (e.g., "I know you want to go with your friends to the movies tonight. But you were out late last night and could hardly get up in time to catch the school bus. I don’t have time to play taxicab driver when you miss the bus. You’re free to be with your friends over the weekend, but not tonight").

5. Only deal with the current issue. Don't dredge up past failures or mistakes. Also, don't compare your adolescent with anyone — living or dead, related or unrelated.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Avoid the words "always" and "never" (e.g., “You always get angry whenever you have to hear the word ‘no’ ” …or “You never follow through with what I ask you to do”).

7. Ask your teenager to offer his solution to the problem. Your ultimate goal should be to resolve the conflict – not win the argument. If your teen’s solution sounds workable, then give it a shot. If his solution sounds ridiculous, then fine tune his idea a bit so that it can be more workable.

8. Ask yourself, “Is this issue really worth arguing about? How important is this situation, anyway?” Maybe it’s possible to work toward a win-win solution, or at least one that everyone can live with. Choose your battles carefully. Stand up for the values that are most important to you and to your adolescent's safety, but consider flexibility on the smaller issues.

9. Get off to a good start. The first 3 minutes of a confrontation usually dictate how the rest of it will go. Begin the conversation with a soft voice, and you’ll increase the odds that the discussion will be productive. As one adolescent stated, “My dad and I could talk about our problems because he treated as an equal instead of talking down to me.”

10. Take a time-out when needed. If you or your adolescent are getting too pumped-up, take a break. It doesn't hurt to put a confrontation on hold until everyone has calmed down.

11. Model what you want your adolescent to do. When moms and dads scream or point fingers, teenagers figure that it's okay for them to do the same. They also put up a stone wall and get into "fight" mode.

12. Consider sending an email or a text message rather than face-to-face confrontation. Emailing or texting gives you time to sort through your thoughts and express yourself wisely. Also, it gives your adolescent time to respond instead of reacting defensively. That's what a father discovered when his 16-year-old daughter wanted to see an R-rated movie. He kept telling her ‘no’ – and the two of them kept arguing. Finally, the father sent his daughter an email explaining his reason for saying ‘no’. The daughter never asked about it again, and even seemed warmer toward him than she had been for a long time.

There are many important misunderstandings that occur both with the parent and with the teenager that, if recognized, would not only reduce conflict, but strengthen the relationship. While conflict between parents and their teenagers is not of itself a bad thing, the manner in which we choose to resolve these conflicts is what ultimately determines the outcome – and stress – each encounters.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do When Your Teen Shuts You Out

Is your teenager shutting you out? In other words, she won’t talk to you – and she ignores you when you try to talk to her. You know something is bothering your teen, but she’s not going to tell you what it is. She’s either mad at you or someone else – but in the meantime, you’re getting the cold shoulder.

A teenager may use the silent treatment as a way to freeze parents out, to get them to leave her alone, and to push their buttons. What most moms and dads don’t realize is that, under the surface, something else is going on.

In general, most silent treatment is an indication of poor communication skills. The teen can’t solve her own problems, and as a result, she becomes resentful toward her parent(s). Some silent treatment indicates an inability to articulate one’s feelings during parent-child conflict. These teens are sometimes referred to as “emotionally shut-down.” Silent treatment intended to inflict emotional punishment is present in the teenager who has “shutdown,” especially if she has anger management issues (e.g., "You made me angry, so now I am going to punish you").

How parents can cope when their teen is shutting them out:

1. Avoid trying to find a logical explanation for your teen’s strange behavior. Sometimes it's better to simply view it as “a teenage phase” and not take it personally.

2. Be sure NOT to use the silent treatment on your teen to “show her how it feels.” This rarely improves communication.

3. Don't blame yourself for it. The silent treatment is a poor choice of communication strategy – and that is not your choice.

4. Express how this treatment makes you feel, but do it at a time when your teen appears to be in a decent mood. When things are calm, let your teenager know that you do sincerely want to work things through, but if that's not going to happen in the near future, you may not continue "volunteering" to be frozen out (e.g., "It really hurts that you're shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we could put this behind us. If this continues much longer, I'm going to need to stop waiting and just assume that you simply want to be left alone. I don't want to do that, which is why I'm telling you now.").

5. Make sure you're not simply over-reacting. Sometimes, it's not about you at all. Perhaps your teen is being quiet because she is having personal problems – but doesn’t want to confide in you. If this is the case, you shouldn't take it personally. Perhaps back off a bit and leave some space. However, withdrawing from friends can be a feature of depression, so sometimes reaching out may be exactly what your teenager needs.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Never make the mistake of reacting in anger to your teen’s cold shoulder. Your “reacting” gives her power over you. When your teen is angry or upset with you (or encounters a problem she can't fix), she may rely on the silent treatment as a poor attempt to get her needs met. Thus, you have to coach her by saying something like, “Ignoring me and refusing to talk won’t solve your problems.” The key is to motivate your teen to give up that broken problem-solving strategy and find an appropriate one that actually works.

7. Question your own behavior. When did the silent treatment start? What happened that day or in the days just before the behavior changed? Could you have done or said something insensitive? Try to understand what could have set-off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of ways you can work on the situation.

8. Rehearse what you're going to say in the event you want to confront your teen on the matter. You want to feel like you said what you needed to say, so plan it ahead of time. It's easy to get defensive, or to come off the wrong way if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with your teenager and say out loud what you want to say. Listen to the way you make your statement and adjust your tone if need be.

9. Spend some time away from your teenager if needed, especially if you are feeling emotionally drained from the lack of communication. Time away from her may help her realize how important the relationship is to her, prompting her to initiate speaking to you again.

10. Stay positive. Subconsciously or consciously, the giver of the silent treatment WANTS to see you upset. So, try your best to stay out of her way and be positive (e.g., when you attempt to strike up a conversation, but all you’re met with is a cold shoulder, simply respond by going to the other room to watch some TV).

11. The silent treatment is about control.  It only works if the parent relinquishes control to the teenager who is being silent.  The more you try to get your teen to break her silence, the more you are allowing yourself to be controlled by her, and the less likely it is that she will talk.  After all, you are giving her exactly what she wants: control. She is likely to keep the silent treatment going if she knows it is bothering you, or use it again in the future when she feels the need to get revenge.

12. Try setting some serious emotional boundaries. This can be the hardest part: after you have apologized and attempted to understand what is going on, you have done your part. Now, it is up to your teenager to step up and begin communicating with you. If she does not, that is her decision. You can’t fix this without cooperation from her.

There are all sorts of motives for – and styles of – the silent treatment, but they all boil down to one commonality: a teen gives the silent treatment to her parents because it gives her a feeling of control over them. Maybe the best thing a parent can do in this situation is to try to find a better way for the teenager to feel like she has some control over her life.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Help Teens Solve Their Own Problems

Adolescents, by virtue of their “not fully-developed” brains, typically have poor problem-solving skills. As a result, they struggle in many areas of their lives. When they encounter unfamiliar complications, they may become overwhelmed and unable to resolve problems independently, which often translates into behavioral issues (e.g., back-talk, disrespect, violation of house-rules, etc.).

Teenagers encounter so many different problems during adolescence. Tough teenage challenges coupled with poor problem-solving skills often influences teens to act-out in ways they never would if they knew how to solve their dilemmas. They have social problems (e.g., the inability to get along well with certain peers), functional problems (e.g., meeting responsibilities at home or school), and emotional problems (e.g., feeling angry, sad, frustrated or helpless). Many adolescents who lack problem-solving skills will simply try to avoid the problem completely; they will ignore it in hopes that it will go away. Unfortunately, problems don’t simply disappear.

The key to effective problem-solving involves developing a variety of solutions first. Then, evaluating the advantages and disadvantages of each solution before choosing which solution is most likely to be the best. Simply recognizing that there are many ways to solve the same issue can be eye opening to adolescents.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Below is a solid problem-solving strategy that you can – and should – teach your teenager. The better your teen is at solving her own problems, the less behavioral issues you will see as a parent.

Teach your teen to solve virtually any problem by using this 7-step approach:

1. Define the problem
2. Examine potential causes for the problem
3. Identify some alternatives to resolve the problem
4. Carefully select an alternative
5. Develop a plan to implement that best alternative
6. Carefully monitor implementation of the plan
7. Verify if the problem has been resolved or not

We will use the following scenario throughout in order to demonstrate each step:

You have noticed a change in your daughter’s attitude and behavior recently. She seems a bit down-in-the-dumps and has had a very short fuse lately. One evening over dinner, your daughter asserts, “Nobody likes me!” This catches you off-guard, because it sounds like such an exaggeration. In your shock and dismay, you might even ask, “Why would you say such a thing? That’s simply not true!” After a little investigation on your part, your daughter reveals that a few of her ‘friends’ at school have been making fun of her (i.e., emotional bullying). These peers have been saying some very hurtful things (e.g., you’re fat, ugly, stupid). So, being the perceptive parent that you are, you help your daughter to solve her own problem…

1. Define the problem: This is often where teens struggle. They react to what they “think” the problem is (e.g., “nobody likes me”). Instead, help your teen to understand more about why she thinks there is a problem by asking her the following questions:

• What is happening?
• How is it happening?
• When is it happening?
• Where is it happening?
• Why do you think it is happening?
• With whom is it happening?

2. Examine potential causes for the problem: Help your teen look at the possible contributors to the issue at hand (e.g., are these “bullying classmates” jealous for some reason, did your daughter say or do something to “piss them off”). Your daughter can start by writing down a description of the potential cause(s) of the problem in terms of what is happening, where, when, how, with whom and why.

3. Identify some alternatives to resolve the problem: At this point, it is helpful to brainstorm for solutions to the problem. Brainstorming is simply collecting as many ideas as possible, then screening them to find the best idea. It's critical when collecting the ideas to not pass any judgment on them. Instead, just write them down as you think of them. For example, can your daughter do any of the following?

• avoid fighting back – this inevitably makes a bad problem worse
• report the emotional abuse to a teacher or other school staff
• avoid drawing attention to herself (e.g., trying to act "cool" or saying outrageous things) – this makes it more satisfying for the bullies to bring her down
• realize that if there is just one bully who has a group of friends that follow her, it's most likely they are her friends involuntarily (in this case, your daughter could try to make small talk with them when they are alone, listen to them, and be genuinely interested in what they are saying)
• kill them with kindness (e.g., saying something nice "back to them" when they insult her)
• avoid talking to them – talking to them will give them a chance to be mean to her
• avoid reacting to their rude comments (e.g., ignore them, just smile and walk off)
• avoid giving them the attention they clearly want – bullies want attention
• simply ask the bullies why they are repeatedly making such rude comments – they may be jealous, angry, or possibly insecure

4. Carefully select an alternative: When helping your teen to select the best approach, consider: (a) which approach is the most realistic to accomplish for now (e.g., simply avoiding and ignoring the bullies), (b) which approach is the most likely to solve the problem for the long-term (e.g., recruiting the help of vigilant teachers), and (c) what is the extent of risk associated with each alternative (e.g., “killing them with kindness” might be perceived by the bullies as sarcastic).

5. Develop a plan to implement that best alternative: Help your teen to carefully answer the following questions:

• How much time will I need to implement my proposed solution?
• What steps should be taken to implement the best alternative to solving the problem? 
• Who can help me resolve this problem?
• What will the situation look like when the problem is solved?

Have your teen write down the answers to the above questions and consider this as her action plan.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Carefully monitor implementation of the plan: Your teen can monitor the indicators of success by asking herself the following:

• Was the plan realistic?
• Should more priority be placed on various aspects of the plan?
• Should the plan be changed?
• Am I seeing the results that I want to see?

7. Verify if the problem has been resolved or not: One of the best ways to verify if a problem has been solved or not is to ask your teen the following:

• Have the “putdowns” aimed at you by these girls decreased in frequency?
• What did you learn from this problem solving activity?
• Have you been able to identify a "main" bully (i.e., the leader of the pack), and if so, have you been able to befriend some of the bully's followers?
• What changes should be made to avoid this type of problem in the future?

True, it takes a lot of time, energy and patience to teach problem-solving skills to your teenager. As a parent, you may feel it is faster and more efficient to just take care of the problem yourself (e.g., talking to the parents of the bullies, or going to the school and yelling at the principal); however, if you do that, you will be raising a teen who can’t be depended upon to accomplish tasks, can’t function independently, doesn't know how to solve her own problems, has low self-esteem, and runs to you to fix everything.

Of course, the parent wants her or his kids to be confident, self-sufficient, happy and successful. But for that to happen, they need the opportunity to grow. This requires a mom or dad who is willing to step back and let teens experience life and all its painful challenges – and then help them to help themselves.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Bond With Your Emotionally-Distant Teenager

If you're like every other parent, you don't always bond with your teenager. He might create distance between you just at the times when you most long to become closer. He might be busy on the computer, the phone, with his friends, or homework. When you try to talk to him, he doesn't listen, or just leaves the room. He thinks that you are embarrassing, and you don't know how to change that.

Despite your best intentions and efforts, creating a meaningful bond with your adolescent isn't always easy. But, you're not alone. A feeling of distance between parent and teenager is a normal part of development, but you don't have to feel like you're losing your son or daughter. By putting in just a little bit of effort, you can re-bond with your adolescent. 

Here are some tips to help you bond with your emotionally-distant teenager:

1. Ask your adolescent to teach you how to produce an online photo gallery. Most young people today were raised in the digital age and are skilled when it comes to anything technological. Why not bond over lessons on how to make a digital photo gallery or a family webpage or blog?

2. Communicate the way your teen prefers (e.g., email, text message, instant message, or non-embarrassing post on his favorite social media website). It may be easier for him to discuss sensitive subjects electronically, without having to face you, even if it feels impersonal to you.

3. Create a routine that involves being in the same place at the same time. Preparing dinner together every night or at least once a week will give you both something to do together without much pressure. Any household chores or mundane task that allows you to be with each other, but that doesn't require a lot of thought or conversation, can create a comfortable zone that allows your adolescent to open up to you, even if the discussion is about random things. Teenagers tend to feel more comfortable talking to you when they don't have to look at you, such as while driving.

4. Discuss movies. Whether you're talking about a classic favorite or one of today's hottest films, sharing your taste in movies is another way to bond with your adolescent.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5. Don’t make your teen wrong. Just because your teen wants to do things differently does not make her wrong necessarily. For example, while most moms and dads want their teenagers to go to college, maybe they not interested right now. If your teen does not want to go to college, instead of being dismayed, see if you can strike a compromise. Perhaps she can work part-time and go to school part-time. Or perhaps instead of a miscellaneous degree, she can attend a technical school. When it comes to teens, sometimes letting go a little allows them to grow a lot.

6. Encourage your adolescent to have a healthy self-esteem by telling him at least one positive thing about him each day. Ask him to name something he likes about himself or feels confident about in addition to what you named to reinforce a positive self-image.

7. Enjoy her favorite sitcom and watch it with her every week.

8. Get to know your teen’s friends by spending time with her and her closest friends. Take her and one or two of her closest friends for pedicures, shopping or attend a new class (e.g., pottery, jewelry making, cooking). Finding a common activity that you can share with your adolescent and her friends will likely earn you a few points with everyone as long (as you don't intrude or embarrass her).

9. Give your teen some responsibility. You may wonder, as a mother or father, how giving your teen some responsibility is a way to reconnect with her. If done in the right manner and not as a command or an order, giving your teen responsibility around the house shows her that you trust her. It may be something as simple as picking up her younger sister after school or going to the post office if she is newly licensed. Small gestures of responsibility give her a feeling that you view her as a young woman now. This will instill a sense of pride and gratitude to you for trusting her more and more now.

10. Give your teen some space. In any relationship, sometimes a little space is necessary. It is no good to be on top of someone else in an effort to make them see things your way or to gain control. If you take some time and step away and keep it casual, chances are more than likely your teen will seek you out if you give her the opportunity to.

11. Go to her practices, recitals or sporting events and cheer for her. She may not acknowledge your presence, though she most likely wants you there for support (as long as you aren't embarrassing her).

12. Learn how to play one of his favorite video games and play with him.

13. Make yourself available to your adolescent. Hang out in a common area of your home or establish a routine where you are clearly available at the same time every day or the same night each week so your teenager knows where to find you if - and when - she needs to talk.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

14. Plan at least one outing or activity with your adolescent each month. Take turns planning the activity so he has some control over what you do. Give him a budget and time frame and allow him to choose where you go or what you do. This allows you to learn more about each other's interests and might surprise you both.

15. Share a book. If your teenager is an avid reader, as him to recommend a few books you might like, too. Read one and see what new conversations you can initiate as a result.

16. Share some music. Adolescents feel things deeply, and they often connect with their emotions through music. Ask your teenager to share a few of her favorite songs with you and keep an open mind about what you're hearing.

17. Share some of your interests with your adolescent. She might relate to you more when you let her know about a few of the mistakes you made as an adolescent. She might want to get to know “the real you” more if you begin sharing your hobbies and interests that go beyond the mother or father.

18. Take a short road trip and let your teen drive. This is perfect for the adolescent with a new driver's license. The destination could be anywhere, but venturing out to any fun spot of your adolescent's choosing would fit the bill for an afternoon of bonding. It could be as easy as regular practice sessions in the country or on city streets so that your teen can perfect her driving skills.

19. Take an interest in your adolescent and her hobbies.

20. Talk to your adolescent and go beyond simple "how was your day?" questions. Ask him how he feels about current events, or educate yourself on something he enjoys and ask him about it (avoid personal questions that will most likely cause him to shut you out).

As a mother or father, you may fear that years of being a disciplinarian has negatively affected your relationship with your teenager. Use the tips listed above to press the "reset" button and renew your bond with your adolescent.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Stop Over-Reacting to "Bad" Teen Behavior

Parenting out-of-control teenagers is a tough job for sure!! And it’s totally understandable when parents fly off the handle because their teens continually exhibit blatant disrespect and hatefulness. But sometimes, we as parents get stuck in a cycle of over-reacting to our teen’s “bad” behavior, which weakens our immune system and tends to make a bad problem worse.

One of the best parenting strategies we can employ is to “avoid throwing gas on the fire” by over-reacting in the heat of the moment. This one strategy alone will reduce your parental stress by at least 50%.

Do you often:

• Assume the worst about your teenager’s behavior due to his bad “track record”?
• Feel alarmed by your uncontrollable reactions to her rude comments and putdowns?
• Have to apologize for your abrupt actions or words?
• Lash out when your teen is ill-mannered?
• Regret things you say in the heat of emotion?
• Withdraw when parent-child arguments get emotionally overwhelming?

If you answered “yes” to the questions above, you may be struggling with severe parental stress. Here are a few tips to help you (a) stay calm, and (b) “respond” to bad teen behavior rather than “react”:

1. A quiet heart can lead parents to the best solutions to any parent-child conflict. When you are facing the problem of how to deal with your teen’s rudeness or criticism, you’ll handle the situation better by moving into your heart. Don’t impulsively shoot from the mouth. Pick your favorite method for “centering” (e.g., leaving the room for a short time-out) before you respond to what your teen has said or done.

2. Identify patterns in your over-reactions. If you find yourself continually revisiting a powerful emotional or behavior reaction, there is probably a historical component that needs to be addressed. 

3. If your teen has legitimate concerns, but has voiced them in a rather hateful manner or at the wrong time, respond briefly and sincerely, offering to resolve the issue with him later (e.g., “I see you are upset. I’d like to talk with you about that after dinner.”).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Instead of allowing your precious time and energy to be sapped by your teen’s disrespectful behavior, free yourself by forgiving, letting go, and moving on. Don’t hold on to bitterness or blame. Treat her with respect, model the appropriate behavior yourself, and you might just spur a change of heart in her.

5. Pay attention to how your body feels. A pounding heart, a headache, or tense muscles can all be signs that you’re in danger of being hijacked by intense feelings. Becoming more aware of physical cues helps you to stay ahead of your responses. Noticing how your body feels under stress activates both sides of your brain, allowing you to reflect on the parent-child issue instead of just reacting to it.

6. Pull away from heated arguments and look at it without ego (as if you were observing someone else’s life). Is it possible you are being overly-sensitive, or has your teenager treated you like a doormat without good reason?  A clear sense of which it is will help you find the best solution to the current parent-child conflict.

7. Some teens criticize as a way of “projecting” their own issues on to parents or taking the focus off their own shortcomings. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. Continually dwelling on your teen’s childish behavior or holding a grudge will only keep you stuck in resentment.

8. Sometimes what your offensive teen directs at you is not about you at all. Teenagers who are complaining all the time may simply be struggling with an internal battle that is spilling over into their parent’s life. When teens nag or grumble, they may actually be trying to tell their parents that they are hurting inside. So, the next time your teen offends you, consider the possibility that the insult is not about you.

9. Take care of yourself. Lack of sleep, going too long without food, and lack of recreational activities can leave your mind and body vulnerable to exaggerated responses.  For many parents, it’s easy to let their own basic self-care take a back seat to the noble cause of taking care of their children. Ironically, it is your children who are most likely to end up on the receiving end of your exaggerated responses. Prioritizing your own self-care will help minimize this.

10. The children in our lives are often our mirrors. They reflect back the impact of our words and actions. A smart-alecky teen’s words – though spiteful – can awaken us to an aspect of our own behavior we may have refused to own-up to. Although blame can be hard to take, you may benefit from it by looking for the nugget of truth embedded in the painful circumstance.

11. Watch for all-or-nothing words like “always” and “never” as clues that you’re heading toward a meltdown (“You NEVER do what I ask you to do” …or “I’m so tired of ALWAYS having to tell you to ____”).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

12. When you feel like flying off the handle, take a deep breath. Deep breathing slows down your fight-or-flight response and allows you to choose a more thoughtful and productive response.

13. When your mouthy teen comes flying at you, rather than playing the role of victim and seeing yourself as the target, stay on target. Don’t let his insults distract you from your goals as a parent. Consider it background noise, and don’t let it distract you.

14. When your teen is demanding, you may stuff your emotions below the surface to avoid a confrontation. But your emotions warn you when something is wrong. By ignoring your feelings, you create a larger problem to deal with later. By accepting the messages they bring, you’ll be able to deal more effectively with parent-child conflict from the start.

15. You get to choose what you will tolerate as a parent. If your teen is chipping away at your self-esteem by constantly belittling you, you owe it to yourself to create boundaries and to tell her how you feel when that happens. Decide on a specific action you will take if your teenager continues to bombard you with insults and putdowns.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Defusing Heated Arguments with Defiant Teenagers

At some point, you as a parent have probably been involved in a knock-down, drag-out argument with your defiant teenager. Each of you is convinced the other is wrong. Neither of you will back down.

You've tried everything to get through to your son or daughter (e.g., ironclad logic, negotiating, yelling louder and longer), but neither side will budge. So, what can parents do when they find themselves in frequent verbal fights with their out-of-control teenagers?

Here are 15 parenting tips to help resolve heated arguments with defiant teens:

1. Ask your teen if she would be willing to summarize your position. If she can't, or she hasn't heard it yet, ask if she would be willing to listen to what you have to say now.

2. Don't try to force your teen into admitting they he is wrong. That's the kind of tactic that keeps the argument burning. Genuine agreement will come, when and if it comes. It can't be forced.

3. Enlist the help of a mediator (e.g., a family therapist, a wise grandparent). Consider bringing in a neutral third party to help resolve angry feelings and to help everyone feel heard.

4. Even if you are right, keep your cool. Never debate on what you think is right and your teen thinks is wrong. Recognize there is a gap between your reality and her perception of things.

5. Find out what your teen wants you to hear. You don't have to agree with it. A lot or arguments go on painfully and without progress because each side is trying to be heard – but neither side is listening. By listening, you break that deadlock.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Identify points where you and your teen already agree. After listening and confirming understanding, some arguments dissolve right then, because there was no actual disagreement.

7. If parts of what your teen has said have moved you to change your mind, now is a good time to say so. If he has enlightened you or corrected an error of yours, thank him!

8. If at any time during an argument you feel as if your safety is being threatened in any way, or that there is no way a resolution will be found, simply remove yourself from the situation. It is better to stay safe than to win an argument or try to calm a violent, irrational teenager down.

9. If you feel as though you are not getting anywhere, saying something such as, "I really feel we should both calm down and approach this when we have had time to think" …or, "I care about this issue, but I don't want to speak out of anger, so I think it is best that I go to the other room" is a good way to leave things for now.

10. Teen’s higher reasoning abilities shut down when they're angry. If either you or your teen is hot with anger, take an hour of quiet to cool-off.

11. Phrase your requests in a way that avoids blaming or shaming your teen for misunderstanding you. You can do this by wording it so you are the one responsible for communicating your point, rather than making your teen responsible for understanding you (e.g., "I'd like to make sure that I've gotten my point across" …rather than, "I'd like to make sure you haven't misunderstood").

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

12. Be sure to put the point where you disagree into words. Many disputes go on unproductively because neither side even knows what the squabble is about! When you put the disagreement into words, either you will both agree very quickly on what the disagreement is, or you won't. If the latter, you open up an opportunity to hear something important that you haven't heard yet.

13. State your needs and boundaries clearly. Avoid insulting your teen or telling her how unreasonable she is being. Instead, stick to statements where you are clearly defining your comfort level and boundaries (e.g., "I understand you are angry, but I need you to speak to me respectfully" …or, "I know we have a disagreement here, but it is difficult for me to talk to someone who is screaming").

14. Summarize your understanding of your teen's position by stating it in your own words, and ask if your understanding is accurate (e.g., "Let's see if I understand you correctly. Are you saying ...?"). By moving from establishing which side is right to accurately understanding the other side, you neutralize the struggle to "force a verdict" and create an opportunity to correct misunderstanding. If you do understand correctly, your teen now sees this.

15. Validate your teen’s concerns and empathize with how he feels. Teens often become aggravated when they feel they are not being heard. Statements like, "I understand you are feeling annoyed" …or, "I know we both want to resolve this problem" …can go a long way to help avoid heated arguments.

On a final note, if all else fails, ask yourself these questions: “What’s more important – winning this argument, or keeping the peace?” “What are we really arguing about?” “Will it even matter tomorrow?” This is called "self-checking." As parents who may be on the verge of over-reacting, sometimes we have to get inside ourselves to keep a level head.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Parental Frustration in Raising Defiant Teens

"I get so frustrated with my rebellious 13-year-old son - and often lose my temper! You can’t leave him alone for a minute without problems of some sort (won’t go into all that here though). Am I a bad mother? How can I avoid over-reacting like this? I know I'm throwing gas on the fire!!"

Most moms lose their temper with their teens from time to time. It's OK to feel angry …just don’t take it out on your son. If you feel angry with your son almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help. There's no shame in that! Start by talking to your family doctor. Also, there are groups that can help moms, too. You can join our support group here:

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When you get frustrated and upset, give yourself a break (rather than getting angry, and then feeling guilty for getting angry). Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. 

For example, have your partner stay with your son so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you. Maybe they could stay with your son while you go out.

Know that frustration is normal. All moms get frustrated. Teens take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your life (e.g., worries about your job, your bills, your relationships, problems with alcohol or drugs, etc.). To be a good mother, you have to take care of yourself!!! That means getting help for YOUR issues first ...then you can work on your son.

No mom or dad is perfect. They all make mistakes. Even very passive parents sometimes say and do things they don't mean to do (e.g., yell at their child or call him/her a "bad" name). But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of emotional abuse doesn't start.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Foster Self-Reliance in Overindulged Teens

Do you happen to use an “overindulgent” parenting style? If so, then you are probably experiencing a lot of behavioral problems with your teenager! What’s the connection between overindulgence and behavior problems you ask? In this post, we will answer this question in great detail…

First of all, do you notice any of the following characteristics in your teen?

• Asks for help on a task she should be able to do on her own
• Can be obnoxious and temperamental
• Constantly engages in whining and complaining
• Demands things all the time
• Exhibits extreme clinginess or the inability to be alone
• Fails to bounce back from normal adolescent disappointments
• Has little concern for the welfare of others
• Ignores or negotiates every request you make
• Is self-centered
• Is verbally and/or physically aggressive
• Is very manipulative
• Lacks motivation
• Repeatedly asks for rewards or money for basic chores 
• Shows little gratitude for what she has
• Wants to control the decisions of other family members

If this sounds like your teen, then it’s safe to say that he or she is overindulged, which is a nice term for “spoiled rotten!”

What happens when you have an overindulged teenager? The result of overindulgent parenting includes the following. The teenager:

• begins to underestimate his abilities
• believes the rules do not apply to him
• depends on the parent to give him what he wants, but at the same time resents being dependent, and this resentment comes out as anger and ungratefulness – and a strong desire for more material stuff and privileges
• does not get along well with authority figures (e.g., teachers)
• feels entitled to privileges, but not responsible for his actions
• finds school boring
• gets labeled ADHD by school officials and mental health professionals
• is the one in charge rather than the parent (i.e., the tail is wagging the dog)
• is used to not having to be responsible for anything
• learns how to avoid unpleasant tasks or challenges instead of facing them
• learns to manipulate others instead of how to take responsibility

Even if your teen is already well on his way to becoming overindulged, all is not lost. Your goal as a mother or father is to teach him to weather the natural frustration of not getting what he wants without feeling like his world is ending or taking it as a sign you don’t love him.

Here are 25 ways to move from overindulgence to fostering self-reliance in your teen:

1. Allow your teen to make mistakes when safety is not an issue. It’s natural to want to step in and solve problems (which you’ve been doing for years). But now is his chance to make some minor mistakes and learn from them while the stakes are lower. He will also learn valuable problem-solving skills, and develop self-resilience and self-control.

2. Announce your limits, and stick to them. Let it be known what you will and won’t shell-out money for. Even if this leads to more arguments, make your teen respect your authority by refusing to budge.

3. Don’t FORCE your opinion on your teenager. Parents sometimes don’t trust what they have taught their teens. Did you ever plant some tulips? What happens if you yank the bulbs out every day to see if they’re growing? No tulips! Give the truths that you have poured into your teen’s heart and mind some time and space to take root and grow.

4. Don’t lose your temper. Staying calm helps you and your teen. Plus, it models the behavior you expect from him.

5. Encourage your teen to fully express himself. He is trying to discover who he is and is not (an important undertaking during adolescence) Accept that he may not like the things you do or have the same opinions, and get to know him as a person in his own right.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Establish ground rules for safety. As your teen tries out new behaviors and methods of self-expression, and gains new skills (e.g., driving, cooking, dating, etc.), she will still need limits to keep her safe. Negotiate rules when you can to give her a sense of ownership, but make sure she knows safety is a priority and is not negotiable.

7. Follow through with consequences consistently so that your teenager learns to accept responsibility for his own actions.

8. Foster a good work ethic. Even preteens can wash a car or help mix pancake batter.

9. Have your teen participate regularly in household chores (e.g., vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, etc.). Also, teach him how to do his own laundry and care for his clothes.

10. Have your teen participate in making meals regularly.

11. Help your teen to discover his world. As he tries to figure out where he fits in, give him opportunities to try new activities and sports and to meet new people. He may end up discovering a lifelong career path in the process.

12. Hold your teen accountable. For example, if he continually oversleeps and misses the bus, charge him gas money to drive him to school. Now is the time for him to learn that his actions matter in the bigger world and affect others as well as himself.

13. Intentionally teach your teen how to work through conflicts with her peers. Simply preparing your teen with some practical conflict-resolution skills will help foster self-reliance and confidence.

14. Let natural consequences be your friend. For example, instead of nagging your teen to get a summer job so she can afford all the activities she wants to do – don’t. If she doesn’t follow through, she’ll just have to skip some of those activities.

15. Remind your teen you will always be there for him. As he spreads his wings, make sure you let him know you will be nearby whenever he needs you. This safety net will make it possible for him to have the confidence he needs to fly into his future.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Set shopping parameters. For example, if you’re out to a store with your teen and she wants a new pair of jeans, tell her she can have it—if she pays for it with her allowance money.

17. Talk openly and honestly about sex.

18. Teach your adolescents about Internet safety.

19. Teach your teen how to use an assignment pad to keep track of homework.

20. Teach your teen life skills. Your teen should be starting to learn how to manage money and drive safely in various situations. Increase her responsibilities as she gets closer to college age so she is ready to fully take care of herself when it’s time to move out and be fully independent.

21. Teach your teen to check the tire pressure and oil in the car he drives.

22. Teach your teen to think independently about commercials and advertisements aimed at teens.

23. Teaching your teen to monitor his own TV time and video game time.

24. Understand that making decisions for your teen can be destructive to his independence. Decision-making is a skill that only comes with practice. It isn’t something that’s magically conferred on a teenager when he turns 18. Letting him make choices means that he will probably do some things wrong and make poor choices, but he will learn from those, too.

25. Use praise. When you notice your teen is making a real effort to act differently, let him know that you notice.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Quick Tips for Regaining Control of Your Out-of-Control Teenager

The adolescent years are notoriously difficult to navigate, which can create a nightmare for moms and dads whose teenagers are out-of-control. Whether your son or daughter is lying, stealing, doing drugs, or acting defiantly – you CAN resolve these issues with the proper strategies. 

Here are some quick tips on how to regain control:

1. First of all, YOU have to take care of YOU. Dealing with out-of-control teenage behaviors is very stressful. Build in some time for social support and recreation each week so that you can recharge your batteries and feel refreshed and motivated to continue on.

2. Come up with a plan on how you will hold your teenager accountable. What will you do if he does not meet your expectations?  How will you respond? In the heat of the moment, it’s most effective to state your expectations – and then walk away. Then after things have calmed down, do some “problem solving” and give a consequence if the situation calls for it.

3. Don’t over-negotiate. If you over-negotiate with an adolescent that is trying to be the boss, you're giving her the message that she's your equal. Soon she’ll start bargaining with you in order to behave appropriately.

4. Expect setbacks. Change is a slow process. Be patient and take one day at a time. Things will get better, but your teenager will still make mistakes along the way – it’s the way he learns. Start with a fresh slate each day and stay positive.

5. Expect your adolescent to react strongly to the new structure you impose as soon as you establish it. Adolescents do not give up power easily.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Find a support group for moms and dads of troubled adolescents. Listening to the struggles and solutions of other parents will make you feel less alone and will give you strength to face challenging situations at home.

7. Find out everything you can about your adolescent. Adolescents are experts at hiding what they don't want you to know about, and many times moms and dads are experts at turning the other way and ignoring unacceptable behaviors in hopes that they will get better on their own. Although checking up on your adolescent may feel like spying, and snooping through his backpack may feel like an invasion of his privacy, it is your job as a mother or father to know what your adolescent is up to so that you can protect him. Talk to his teachers, friends and siblings to get another perspective on your teen. Have regular discussions with him about his life. Listen carefully – without interruption – to what he says, and try to understand what he is feeling. Remember that adolescents feel things much more intensely than grown-ups. Don't discount strong feelings simply because they don't make sense to you.

8. If everyone understands what the rules are, the chances of your teenager following those rules increase. Thus, write up a behavior contract with your adolescent. If something is written down on paper, it becomes more real. The contract should clearly define what she has to do in certain key areas. If she complies with the contract, she will be rewarded (be sure to outline what those rewards will be). If she does NOT comply with the contract, she will receive appropriate consequences (be sure to outline what those consequences will be).

9. If the problems seem too big for you to handle, seek support elsewhere. This is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of resourcefulness, commitment to change, and a good way to add another tool to your parenting toolbox.

10. If you have more than one teenager in the house and want to regain control over ALL of them, you will need to first regain control of the “dominant” teen. Even though his siblings may be acting out as well, your “alpha teen” is causing the imbalance in authority; thus, he is the one you have to manage initially. Of course, you have to hold your other teens accountable for their poor choices, but your main priority should be to address the behavior of the dominant teen (e.g., give him consequences that he can't undermine, then be firm and follow through with them).

11. If your teen is severely out-of-control, consider making an appointment with a mental health professional to rule out disorders such as ADHD, depression or anxiety. These disorders and others like them can prevent your adolescent from reaching his full potential and leave him feeling frustrated, stressed-out and unable to live a happy life. Medication to control these disorders can make an enormous difference in your adolescent's attitude and general well-being, and may put an end to any related behavioral problems.

12. Know that lectures and speeches aren’t effective. Instead, have conversations that are focused on what your teenager’s responsibilities are, and how she can meet them.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

13. Know the difference between motivating your adolescent with a “reward system” versus “bargaining.” When you’re bargaining with her, she’s often wearing you down until you give in (e.g., you may end up saying, “Okay, as long as you don’t drink any alcohol, you can go to that party”). On the other hand, when you're rewarding her, it's clear that you're the one with the authority giving out the reward.

14. Know what your expectations are and write them down for future reference. Also, make sure you are able to communicate your expectations in clear terms. 

15. Moms and dads need to partner together and come up with a game plan that outlines how they will deal with their adolescent as a team. Develop a plan that you are both comfortable with. Have a “parent’s-meeting” and get clear about your unified message before presenting it to your teenager. The mother and father that can't get on the same page about how to hold their adolescent accountable will end up creating a vacuum in power (which their out-of-control adolescent will only be too happy to fill).

16. Parenting classes and therapists in your local area can be a big help if you are struggling to regain control of your teen’s behavior.

17. Refrain from making excuses for your teen’s attitude and be honest with yourself regarding her behavior. It's easier to overlook a few lies or turn the other way when you know your adolescent is engaging in risky behavior than it is to confront her and meet challenges head on. But without your strict guidance and intervention, these behaviors will only get worse.

18. Remember that your journey toward more effective parenting will start with just one step.

19. Reward positive behavior in your teenager whenever you see it (e.g., “Hey, I noticed you put your dirty laundry in the clothes hamper – great job!”).

20. Lastly, when attempting to address behavioral issues, simply focus on your top 3 concerns. What behavioral problems are causing the most chaos in your home? Choose the 3 most problematic concerns and write them down. Your list might look something like this: “(1) refuses to do homework, (2) picks on his younger brother, and (3) slams his bedroom door really hard when he’s mad.” Then rank your top 3 concerns in order of priority. The top issue on the list is where you put your main focus for now. The other 2 issues can wait until you have more time and energy. Working on just one thing is enough for now. Keep it simple.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Get Your Teen to WANT to Listen to You

The biggest challenge when parenting an adolescent is how to get her to listen to you and your advice. You want to protect her from bad decisions and choices. But now that she’s “all grown up” (in her mind), she “knows it all” and does not listen to you. She has transformed from a kid that followed your lead and had everything done for her to a teen that makes her own choices and decisions.

As most parents may have already figured out, you can't make your teenager change if he doesn't want to. No amount of pleading, forcing, or discipline will work. In fact, the more you persist, the more he will rebel. So, instead of “How can I get my teen to listen to me?” …the question should really be “How can I get my teenager to WANT to listen to me?” The answer is to examine the quality of the attachment between you and your teenager. A weak parent-child bond translates to having a deaf teen.

How to get your teen to WANT to listen to you:

1. As a parent, you have to “pretend” that your teen hears you when you speak. If you know he has no hearing problems and doesn’t have headphones on, then assume he can hear you. Look at him and state the rules in a clear, calm manner. For example, “In order to go to the movies with your friends this coming Friday night, you need to be back home by 8:00 PM tonight. I know you really want to see that movie, so be sure to be home by 8:00.” If your teen claims he didn’t hear you (after he returns home at midnight), rather than arguing about his listening skills, state the following: “You knew the rules. You didn’t make it home by 8:00 PM, so no movie this weekend. We can try this again next week. If you meet your curfew, you can go to the movies with your friends next Friday.” Don’t get pulled into a power struggle. If he tries to push your buttons, simply leave the room.

2. Be as consistent as possible. Disciplining your teen’s poor choices one week – and then letting it slide the next – sends a mixed message. Maybe you were too tired to care if she didn’t do her homework. So, then what your adolescent thinks is “When dad has had a long day, I can skip doing homework.” For rules to be effective, they must be enforced dependably.

3. If you are hesitant to implement some “tough love” with your teen for her poor behavioral choices, you also guarantee that she will NOT listen to you. If an adolescent feels that she can do as she pleases without any significant consequences, you can bet that she will do just that. Sure, be compassionate and show unconditional love, but do not be afraid to show your adolescent that her poor choices ALWAYS have associated consequences.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Pick your battles carefully. Coming home at midnight may be more risky to your adolescent than not cleaning up his room when asked. Of course, don't ignore blatant disregard for a rule (no matter how small), but at the same time, don't lose your cool over a dirty bedroom. Loss of computer privileges until his bedroom is picked up is a more appropriate response than the loss of the computer for an entire week.

5. Often times, an adolescent fails to listen to her parents because she thinks they only want to spoil her fun. The "Because I said so" comment may work for younger children, but in the teenage years, those are “fighting words” that will only sow seeds of rebellion. So, don’t bark-out commands. Instead, open the doors of communication and explain how choices have consequences. For instance, if your adolescent wants to attend a party where alcohol will probably be available, don’t just say "NO WAY!" Instead, explain how such situations pose serious risks.

6. When your teenager challenges your rules, keep the conversation focused on your expectations, not on your adolescent’s ideas about fairness. If you have to “defend” your rules, it gives your teen the impression that the rules are negotiable. Rather than arguing about your rules, simply state the facts (e.g., “I know you don’t like the rules, and you prefer to ignore me. But the truth is this: You don’t have to like the rules, you just have to find a way to follow them.”).

7. When your teenager ignores you or pretends not to hear, remember that it is a “control issue.” She wants to be “in charge” now that she is “all grown up.” Even if you're annoyed, keep our cool. You don’t have to attend every “war-of-wills party” you’re invited to. Sometimes it best to ignore that fact that she ignored you.

8. If you truly want your adolescent to listen to you, you need to listen to his problems and concerns too. Listen without judgment, asking questions and taking a genuine interest in his life. Allow him to openly share any objections he has about the issues at hand, and respond in a way that shows you really understand his concerns. This isn’t to say that you should compromise on the house rules necessarily, but you can be sympathetic to your adolescent's frustrations. If he says that a rule isn’t fair, ask him to elaborate. Be open to the idea that some rules may need to be adjusted in order for them to appear fair. For example, maybe an 11:00 PM curfew on Saturday nights isn’t fair because he wants to attend a movie with friends that doesn’t start until 10:00 PM. He would have to miss the ending of the movie to be home on time. Maybe he could have an 11:30 PM curfew (just on some Saturday nights).

9. Offer rewards, not just consequences. For example, for feeding the dogs all week, he can have an extra 30 minutes on his curfew. For taking his little brother to baseball practice, he can borrow the car Friday night. Rewards are incentives to “Listen to my advice and rules.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

10. Pick the right time to talk to your teen about “the rules.” For example, starting this conversation while your adolescent is engrossed in a video game may make the conversation feel like a penalty of sorts …or when your adolescent has just come home from school, he may have other things on his mind and may not be able to focus on the “You need to listen to me” conversation. Make an appointment. For example, take him out to dinner, wait until the evening meal, or wait until bedtime when you have both had a chance to wind down.

11. If you want your adolescent to be open to communication and willing to listen, don’t treat him as a subordinate. Instead, treat him as a contributing and valuable member of the family. Let him take part in important family decisions. Listen to his opinions. Support his goals. Take time to remind him that he is loved unconditionally. The more he feels respected and valued, the more willing he will be to listen to your advice.

12. Lastly, write the rules down and post them somewhere prominent. If your rules are written, there is little room for misinterpretation. Sit down with your adolescent and have her read the rules aloud to you. This gives her a chance to ask questions and make comments. Revisions to the rules (the first draft anyway) may need to take place as well.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

"Social Networking" Issues with Teens: Tips for Parents

Social networking sites play an important role in the lives of many teens. Over 60% of 13-17 year olds have at least one profile on a social networking site, many spending more than 2 hours per day on these sites.

Social networking sites can present opportunities to teenagers who participate with them, but like any activity, there are also associated risks. Thus, it is important for moms and dads to help their teens use these sites wisely.

Some potential benefits are: (a) developing and expressing individual identity; (b) developing new social contacts with peers with similar interests; (c) sharing content of self-expression (e.g., art work, music, political views, etc.); and (d) staying connected to friends.

Online social networking can involve new risks such as: (a) vulnerability to predatory adults; (b) sharing too much information; (c) sharing photos or videos that the teenager may later regret; (d) risk of identity theft; (e) reduced amount of time for physical activity; (f) exposure to large amounts of commercial advertisements which may not be age appropriate; and (g) cyber-bullying.

If your teen is thinking about using social networking sites, there are many ways to help him or her use them safely and appropriately. Discuss freely with your teen, and guide him or her by suggesting the following:

• “Talk to your friend’s parents before considering meeting anyone face to face you have met online to make sure this friend is legitimate.”
• “Post only information you are comfortable with everyone seeing.” 
• “Keep your full name, address, telephone number, social security number and bank or credit card number to yourself.”
• “Keep control of your information by restricting access to your page.”

Teens need support and education to develop the skills needed to understand the risks and opportunities of social networking sites, so talk to your teen before he or she signs up for an account. Things to consider include: (a) the limits on time allowed on these sites that may occur if their usage interferes with family time or external social activities; (b) the monitoring you will do on their internet usage; and (c) the rules in your household regarding social networking sites.

Social networking sites are a widely accepted part of many teens’ lives. However, if you feel that your teenager is spending too much time on these sites or is involved in inappropriate behaviors while using these them, you as the parent will need to set some serious boundaries.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Understanding the Brain of a Defiant Teenager

Most moms and dads don’t understand why their defiant teens behave in an impulsive, irrational, and sometimes dangerous way. At times, it seems like these young people don’t think things through or fully consider the consequences of their actions. They differ from their "normal" peers in the way they behave, solve problems, and make decisions. There is a biological explanation for this difference.

Researchers have identified a specific region of the brain called the amygdala, which is responsible for instinctual reactions (e.g., fear, aggressive behavior). This region develops early; however, the frontal cortex (i.e., the area of the brain that controls reasoning and helps us think before we act) develops later. This part of the brain is still changing and maturing well into the early- to mid-twenties.

Other specific changes in the brain during the teenage years include a rapid increase in the connections between the brain cells and pruning (i.e., refinement) of brain pathways. Nerve cells develop myelin (i.e., an insulating layer which helps cells communicate). All these changes are crucial for the development of coordinated thought, action, and behavior.

Pictures of the brain in action show that the brain of a teen diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) functions differently than “normal” teens when it comes to decision-making and problem-solving. The ODD teen’s actions are guided more by the amygdala and less by the frontal cortex. Research has also demonstrated that head trauma and exposure to drugs or alcohol interfere with normal brain development during the teenage years.

Based on the stage of their brain development, ODD teens are more likely to misread or misinterpret social cues and emotions, get involved in fights, get suspended or expelled from school, get into accidents of all kinds, engage in dangerous or risky behavior, and act on impulse. These young people are less likely to modify their dangerous or inappropriate behaviors, pause to consider the potential consequences of their actions, or think before they act.

These brain differences don’t mean that ODD teens can’t make good decisions or tell the difference between right and wrong. And it certainly doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held responsible for their poor choices. But an awareness of these differences can help moms and dads – and teachers – to understand, anticipate, and manage the behavior of these “special needs” teens. 

Watch the video below for a parent-education program designed specifically for parents of defiant teens:

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Tips for Parents of "Special Needs" College-Bound Teens

Graduating from high school and planning for life afterwards is an exciting AND challenging time for older teens and their parents. For adolescents with psychiatric diagnoses, it is especially important to plan ahead for a successful "launch” from high school to a university.

All universities are different. It is important to investigate the mental health services and other supports available at each university you are considering.

Some topics to investigate and consider include:

• Availability of student advocacy groups and outreach services to support students with special needs
• Can the psychiatric condition be successfully managed on campus, or will additional community resources be required?  Consider ease of access to off-campus providers
• How are medical and counseling services paid for? Does a student fee cover everything or is your insurance accepted? 
• The availability of a Counseling Center, Student Health Services, and off-campus mental health resources

Before applying to a university, it is helpful for adolescents and their moms and dads to talk with their physician about the following:

• Developing realistic expectations and plans about academic workload
• Educational accommodations that can and should continue in college
• Organizational skills needed to balance work and social life
• Treatment needs and additional support after high school

When choosing a university, think about the following: 

• Distance from home
• Ease of access to specialized treatment
• Educational environment (e.g., classroom, online, or a combination)
• Housing options (e.g., dorms, off-campus living, commuting from home)
• Local friends and family
• Total number of students and class size

In order to live independently, college-bound adolescents will need a range of life skills, including:

• Running errands (e.g., grocery, gasoline)
• Doing chores (e.g., laundry, cooking, and cleaning)
• Navigating public transportation and knowing how to get around new areas
• Money management (e.g., using ATM’s, credit and debit cards, checkbook, online banking)
• Healthy nutrition and exercise
• Handling increased social freedom and pressures (e.g., drugs and alcohol, dating and sex)
• Good sleep habits

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Universities have more work with less structure. College-bound adolescents need to develop effective study skills such as:

• Accepting responsibility and consequences for actions (e.g., missing a deadline) and learning how to plan for contingencies
• Attending educational planning meetings (e.g., 504 plan, IEP, etc.) 
• Balancing educational and recreational computer use
• Completing homework, essays, and projects without reminders or involvement from mom or dad, professors, or tutors
• Knowing schedules for classes
• Organizing study materials

Moms and dads should encourage independence in healthcare management. Gradually phase in responsibility for: 

• Knowing and talking about their health history
• Scheduling, canceling, and keeping medical appointments
• Storing and keeping medications safely
• Tracking need for and ordering medication refills

There is more than just one route to a college degree. Other choices include "gap year" programs, part-time work and school, or a community college. Graduating from high school is a momentous occasion. Developing independent life skills and learning to manage mental health issues will help ensure a successful transition.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Defiant Teens Push Their Parents "Over The Edge"

Let’s be honest here: parenting a defiant, disrespectful teenager can take its toll on any parent, leaving him or her flustered and on edge - day after day - with no relief in sight. After all, a person can only take so much abuse before “cracking.” Anger is a natural emotion, but when it escalates to rage, the result is similar to throwing gas on a fire; it can turn an average argument between parent and child into a “war of wills.”

When dealing with your "difficult" teenager, do you find that your fuse is getting shorter and shorter? Have arguments and fights simply become “a way of life”? Studies have shown that teenagers whose parents often express rage are more likely to be difficult to discipline. So, it will be in your best interest to be in more control of your emotions. Here’s how to accomplish this feat…

How parents can control anger and rage against their defiant teens:

1. Assertiveness training is particularly helpful if you are a person who bottles up rage and then lets it go in an inappropriate way.

2. Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.

3. Choose your battles carefully. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over everything, your teenager will take you more seriously when you are out-of-sorts.

4. Divide your teenager’s disobedience into "behavior to ignore" (e.g., annoyances), which are not worth the wear and tear of getting angry about, and "misbehavior that needs a consequence" (e.g., destruction of property, lying, stealing, etc.), which requires a response – for your sake and your teen’s.

5. Exercising regularly helps your body release tension.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Focus on the physical sensations of rage. While it may seem counter-intuitive, tuning into the way your body feels when you’re getting worked-up often lessens the emotional intensity of your rage.

7. Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.

8. Identify problems in your past that could contribute to present rage. Were you abused or harshly punished as a teen? Do you have difficulty controlling your temper? Do you sense a lack of inner peace? Identify present situations that are making you outraged, (e.g., dissatisfaction with job, spouse, self, teen, etc.). Remember, you mirror your emotions. If your teen sees a chronically mad face and hears an angry voice, that’s the person he is more likely to become.

9. If your rage seems to be spiraling out of control, remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes or for as long as it takes you to cool down. A brisk walk, a trip to the gym, or a few minutes listening to some music should allow you to calm down, release pent up emotion, and then approach the situation with a cooler head.

10. Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement with your teen, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

11. Learn a few relaxation exercises. Breathing deeply has a calming effect on the body and mind. Breathe deeply in through your nose, drawing the breath down below your naval, and holding it for a count of 5. Release the breath slowly. Form the habit of doing this several times a day, and learn the feeling of relaxation. Recall this feeling and practice the breathing when you find yourself becoming angry.

12. Put your safety first when emotions are getting real heated. Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe or threatened in any way by your teen, get away and go somewhere safe.

13. Review your own adolescence. Think about the ways rage was expressed in your family when you were growing up. In some homes, rage is taboo, causing people to suppress their feelings and becoming fearful of expressing rage. For others, rage was expressed at home, in extreme ways. Reflect on how your childhood experiences have influenced how you deal with rage.

14. Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.

15. Slowly count to ten. Focus on the counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.

16. Spending time outdoors in natural environments is a great stress-reducer.

17. Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck and scalp.

18. Use your senses. Take advantage of the relaxing power of your sense of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. Also, you might try listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place.

19. Yoga classes are a good way to learn some calming techniques.

20. You may want to work with a therapist who can help you effectively parent your defiant teen without getting angry. Seeking professional help is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and pragmatism and can improve your quality of life.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Best Comment:

Anonymous said...  Yesterday was one of THOSE days. I have had your Defiant Teen ebook for a week and was able to keep the situation from going over the edge:   When my son refused to turn down the volume on the PC and also threw some insults at me on top of it...... I calmly turned off the PC... unplugged the keyboard, put it in the backseat of my truck, and left on an errand... returning an hour later to a quiet house.  Thank you so much for your ebook... It is awesome :)