Mother Becomes Discouraged After Implementing New Parenting Strategies

"Hi Mark, I have to admit I am a bit discouraged. I have been following your rules carefully and consistently for a few weeks now. Good news. I have seen some improvement in compliance with house rules. Bad news ...the more compliance I see, the more silent treatment and other anger management stages I see being exhibited. So ...let me know if this progression is normal, and again, assuming that I AM following the rules EXACTLY as you have them laid out ...how long it should take to see SOME improvement in attitude.While I try to remain non-affected ...after weeks and months of saying ‘I love you’ and not having anything said back can get pretty damaging. I feel like I am now getting close to the reciprocal of the silent treatment and emotional numbness so I don’t fly off the handle. Any thoughts?"

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Yes …first of all, feeling discouraged is a natural step in the progression of this parenting-model. As change begins to happen, most (if not all) parents experience some “doubt” that this “system” (i.e., this new set of parenting strategies) actually works. Plus, things often get worse before they get better. But don’t get sidetracked just because you’re discouraged. Don’t go on ‘how it feels’ right now, because it always feels a whole lot worse than it actually is.

Re: silent treatment. When kids give parents the silent treatment, it is just another form of seeking intensity/energy from the parent; they want to get a reaction out of you; they are attempting to push your “rejection” buttons. If you are offended by the silent treatment, be sure to give NO indication that you are offended (e.g., in the form of anger or returning the silent treatment).

I find that when “the silent treatment” goes on for a lengthy period of time, it is most often the case that the parent is not “catching the kid in the act of doing something right” enough (I assume you read that part of the eBook – if not, please review). When the parent provides a lot of intensity when things are “going right,” the kid usually get his “intensity fix” and does not turn to more destructive means to get attention.

Re: saying “I love you.” This is a ‘gift’ that you give your child. Expect nothing in return. If you are offended because your child does not respond positively, then you are too emotionally invested in the relationship (i.e., taking on too much responsibility).

Let me offer a refinement on the “I love you” business. From now on say, “Love ya” once a week as you walk by your child. Don’t look at him/her …don’t stand there waiting for a response …say it quickly, move on to your next task, and detach from the outcome.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Make Your Defiant Teenager Itch!

Hi Tom,

I’ve responded to your email in various places below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

Mark, thanks for your e-book and quick responses. After reading your book I realize I have been an overindulgent parent, primarily the result of guilt over the divorce I sought when my son (now 15) was very young. He now has pretty high self-esteem, but low motivation and he is an underachiever in school (C+ despite being very bright).

Now that I have been fired as his manager I am changing my ways and your strategies are helping. He missed an assignment in school recently, which affected his grade. I told him if it happened again he would lose his computer and cell phone privileges for 3 days. Well, it happened again and I informed him of the consequence. Of course he threw a fit, but I kept my cool. By the second day he had calmed down and was fine. He got the privileges back at the end of the 3 days, but then the day after that, I found out he had missed two other assignments. Of course, I gave him the same consequence.

My question is, should you ever change or up the consequence for repeated offenses?

>>>>>>>>>> Actually, I would start with the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., no cell or computer + grounding for 1 day). Then for a repeat offense, go 2 - 3 days, but never more than 3.

>>>>>>>>> But we may have a larger issue here! In the case where (a) a teen has a history of poor academic performance and (b) this lack of effort is a major source of parent-teen conflict, I strongly recommend that parents get out of the business of playing teacher, dean, and vice-principal. I don’t know if this is the case with your son, but if it is, you’ll want to read my response to a parent who had this problem (in ‘Emails From Exasperated Parents’ – online version of the ebook). {If your son is making nothing lower than a “C”, then this recommendation I’m referring to may not apply in your case.}

Should I have taken other privileges away in addition to computer and cell phone? Or is it better to stick with what I originally told him?

What is the best approach here? No matter what consequence I choose, there are always other privileges he enjoys, or even loopholes. For example, I was specific in that he couldn't use the computer or cell phone during the 3 days; but he still has other privileges during those 3 days--like video games. Also, I didn't specifically ground him so he visited a friend in the neighborhood (where he probably used his friend's computer), and I specifically said he lost the use of his cell phone, so he used the house phone instead (although for shorter periods). I was uncomfortable with this, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to alter the consequence mid-stream.

>>>>>>>>>> When implementing a 3-day discipline, it is best that the child have no privileges + grounding (i.e., no use of cell or land line, no use of computer, no use of video games, no leaving the house – and in the case where he enjoys hibernating in his room -- no access to his bedroom except to dress and sleep). Otherwise, it is not an “uncomfortable” consequence. We want the consequence to “feel uncomfortable” to the child.

>>>>>>>>>> If, for example, you put on an itchy sweater made of sheep’s wool and break out with a rash, you tend to take it off because it is uncomfortable – and you may never wear it again! If the child finds a consequence to be “itchy,” he may decide not to exhibit the behavior that initiated the consequence he’s allergic to.

==> HELP FOR PARENTS

You saved us a lot of money on therapy.

I got your ebook a couple of days ago. It is priceless. You saved us a lot of money on therapy.

>>>>>>>>>> Good to hear!

After reading your ebook I still have a few questions:

1. What do you think of neurofeedback. Do you think it really helps with add?

>>>>>>>>>> I’m a very strong advocate for EEG Biofeedback.

2. What should we do when we hear from our 11 year old that her 13 year old sister is telling her that she hates her 3-4 times a day when they are at school?

>>>>>>>>>> Ignoring misbehavior is an over-rated parenting-strategy. However, in this case, I would ignore it. Pick your battles carefully. The more your 13-year-old knows she gets a ‘rise’ out of both you and her sister, the more she will be rewarded for this behavior and the longer she will use it as an effective tool.

3. We are having a difficult time monitoring computer time. Any ideas on how to set appropriate limits? She is using IM, photo shop and my space when she is working on her homework and then clicking off when we walk into the office. It's so difficult to monitor. Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>> Take the main AC power cord with you (located in the back of the computer). Alternatively, you could take the keyboard.

4. Our daughter always wants to spend the night at her friend's houses because their parents let them stay up as late as they want and wander around their neighborhood until 10 or 11 at night. Do I say no to her requests for sleepovers at these houses? As far as I know, nothing illegal is going on.

>>>>>>>>>> Yes, you should say ‘no’ …nothing good happens after 10:00 PM out in the neighborhood. Plus, your daughter will not get back into a regular sleep cycle until about the Thursday following the “up all night” weekend. I recommend that parents only let their kids stay up an hour or two later on Friday and Saturday nights (most kids stay up until 1:00 AM or later, then the parent complains when the kid can’t get up for school on Monday morning).

5. We've tried so hard to be positive and encouraging, but our daughter’s self-esteem is so low. How can we help her with feeling better about herself?

>>>>>>>>>> If you’ll follow the plan laid out in your session assignments, your daughter will get a steady diet of nurturing, ‘self-esteem boosting’ behavior from her parent.

6. Every couple of weeks she throws a huge tantrum when we give her a consequence. I don't think we have ever given in when she throws one, but we do pay more attention to her. Do we completely ignore these outbursts? Do we give her additional consequences because of the tantrum?

>>>>>>>>>> Assuming that you are delivering the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., grounding for 24 hours with no computer or phone privileges), I would just tell her “the 24 hours doesn’t start until you calm down and go to your room – take all the time you need.” This is a way to put her in charge of her own consequence.

>>>>>>>>>> Now you want to provide no intensity …put on your best poker face …and literally let her decide when the clock starts. After she calms down and goes to her room, look at the clock and start the 24-hour discipline (write down the time so you don’t forget). If she has another temper tantrum, just re-start the 24-hours.

6. We have set up a chore chart. If she doesn't do her chores she doesn't receive any money. This doesn't seem to bother her. How do we get her to do her chores without the money incentive?

>>>>>>>>>> I would use the strategy “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [in the Anger Management chapter of the online version of the ebook]. If you need additional clarification on this one, just send me another email.

I think that’s it. Thanks again for the great ebook.

K.

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