Son Is Lazy and Morbidly Obese

“Mark, I have a problem with my 15-year-old son -- he's lazy! He comes home from school, flops out in the easy chair, eats a bunch of junk, and watches TV or plays his video games for pretty much the rest of the evening. My concern is that he has no social life really -- plus he is now grossly over-weight. Any suggestions? Thanks.”

Approximately 30% of children ages 6 to 11 are overweight and 15% are obese. For adolescents ages 12 to 19, 30% are overweight and 15% are obese.

Excess weight in childhood and adolescence has been found to predict overweight in adults. Overweight children with at least one overweight or obese parent were reported to have a 79% likelihood of overweight persisting into adulthood.

In addition to genetics, other factors contributing to obesity are:
  • Lack of regular exercise
  • Sedentary behavior (e.g., watching TV, sitting at the computer, playing video games)
  • Low family incomes and non-working parents
  • Consuming high-calorie foods
  • Eating when not hungry
  • Eating while watching TV or doing homework

First of all, let your son know he is loved and appreciated whatever his weight. Focus on his health and positive qualities.

Next, develop and implement a plan to gradually change your family's physical activity and eating habits. Let your son see you eating and enjoying healthy foods and physical activity. Plan family activities that provide everyone with exercise and enjoyment (e.g., swimming, biking, skating, ball sports). Reduce the amount of time you and your family spend in sedentary activities (e.g., watching TV, video games). Reduce the amount of “junk food” you will allow in the house, instead plan for healthy snacks. Encourage your son to eat when hungry and to eat slowly. Eat meals together as a family as often as possible.

In addition, assign active chores to every family member such as vacuuming, washing the car or mowing the lawn. Enroll your son in a structured activity that he enjoys (e.g., tennis, gymnastics, martial arts). Encourage him to join a sports team at school or in your community.

Other points to keep in mind are:
  • Don't place your son on a restrictive diet
  • Avoid the use of food as a reward
  • Avoid withholding food as punishment
  • Encourage him drink water rather than beverages with added sugars (e.g., soft drinks, fruit juice drinks, and sports drinks)
  • Stock the refrigerator with fresh fruit and vegetables
  • Plan times when you prepare foods together
  • Eat meals together at the dinner table at regular times
  • Avoid rushing to finish meals
  • Avoid serving large portions
  • Avoid forcing him to eat if he is not hungry
  • Limit fast-food eating to no more than once per week

This should at least get you started with some behavioral modification strategies as they relate to diet and exercise.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Having a hard time with "tough love"?

“Our son ran after having a fight with his father ‘cause he doesn’t want rules, no curfews'. He'll be 18 in July. All he keeps saying is, 'I will NOT come home unless you agree that I will NOT be punished, and I WILL get my car back, period'. This has been going on for 3 weeks. We can't give in, but are having a hard time with the tough love. We paid for the car, insurance, and have his cell on suspension, but he thinks it's canceled. Any advice?”

I would simply say to him something like this:

“Son …we can’t control you. If you really want to run away from home, we can’t stop you. We can’t watch you 24 hours a day – and we can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way we do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because we love you, we can’t stand by and watch you do whatever you want – whenever you want – without any house rules. Running away from home will not make us change our minds about providing supervision and rules.”

Then it’s his choice to return home under your house rules or continue to attempt to manipulate you into changing your minds. A long as he is safe, I would just let him know that he is loved and that he can return home whenever he’s ready, and that he can take all the time he needs to make a decision. But he will have to follow the plan …period.

In the meantime, catch yourself feeling guilty – or feeling sorry for him – and remind yourself that you are fostering the development of self-reliance in your child. This is for his benefit – not yours.

Should You Keep Rules and Expectations the Same for All Your Kids?

Dear Mr. Hutton,

Well I finally took the plunge and started your program! I am now working my homework for week one. My humble statement was more difficult to deliver than I thought, but I somehow managed to get through it- Family dinner night for week one was minus M___, but I am hopeful he will eventually show as you say.

My questions to you are: I have two teenagers- M___ 17 and M_____ 16. I actually delivered the mission statement to both even though M___ 17 is the one with all of the symptoms of overindulged child. Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both?

Regards,

M.K.

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Hi M.,

Re: Should I keep rules / expectations the same for both?

Great question.

Answer: No.

Why?

Because each child is unique and has a different set of needs.

Your mantra should be: "I love my children equally, but parent them differently."

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Thanks for your quick response. How do I handle the fallout from that when M___ sees different rules for his sister ? Wow what a situation- If I keep rules the same for both, the one with less need for stricter boundaries will rebel. If they have different rules M___ will be very vocal and negative with that. Considering that M___ thinks the whole world is against M___ (no personal accountability) this ought to be very painful for all involved. M___ is your textbook overindulged child. I could hardly believe it when I read your list of characteristics, every single one described my child. I was very ashamed of myself. I know, I am working on the forgiveness part and moving forward. This is the first time that I feel that I can help my son. Thank you!

Regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: How do I handle the fallout from that when M___ sees different rules for his sister?

Children are great "fairness detectors" (i.e., always looking for justice whenever they perceive injustice).

When siblings complain about being treating unfairly, parents should NEVER explain themselves. Rather, they simply repeat "I love my children equally, but parent them differently."

Say it with me, M., "I love my children equally, but parent them differently."

Remember this line. You will be using it frequently.

You may have to say this 278 times over the course of the next several months.

Your son will get tired of hearing your mantra around the 300x mark.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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