"My son wants my partner out of the house and is telling me to choose..."

Dear Mark, My son wants my partner out of the house & is telling me to choose. He is mega angry. I've told him it is not his decision. But I am feeling very crushed & overwhelmed. My partner is too, but he is angry with my son in a sulky sort of way & the atmosphere here is a tinderbox. I feel very stuck, torn and scared.

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Here are some tips regarding father-figure and son conflict:

As weird, ironic and contrary to what seems apparent as it is, these situations can sometimes (sometimes) be worked out fairly simply. At least doing this in the context of counseling -- sort of a one-two punch -- it is possible to help a youngster accept that:

a) he can love his biological dad without being in danger of being hurt emotionally as long as he doesn't expect dad to be perfect or take missed contacts and whatnot as evidence of an inner lack of personal worth,

b) he can have a much better, rewarding relationship with his father-figure and can actually then have two dads,

c) he can use the experience to burn into his memory how it feels to be on the kid-end of this crappy situation and resolve not to do this to his own son some day,

d) he can give you credit for loving him enough to try to find him an additional (not a replacement) dad to make sure he had enough father-figures in his life,

and e) he can sort things out so he realizes suffering and complex relationships can work out such that you are smarter and feel better afterward.

Contrary to apparent expression of feelings, your partner is probably not the problem at all. Of course it is always possible that a father-figure is really a sadistic jerk. However, assuming that is not the case, it is not likely that the solution is to dissolve the relationship.

It's my experience that such kids are very hungry for a good relationship with a father-figure -- actually any father-figure. They want a good relationship with their biological father and are well aware that this is just not going to happen with him. This is an enormous struggle for the child.

Your partner in all likelihood can, with a bit of luck, find something fun to do with your child that can be fun for both. Sometimes it is tough, and a counselor can help a lot in this area. Basic rule of thumb is the trick to find something the child likes to do that your partner can do with him -- it doesn't work as well to have the child do things with a father-figure that the father-figure likes to do.

Your partner will be happier and have more patience if he reinterprets the hatefulness as a cry for help to have a safe, strong father-figure. It doesn't make it easy, but it makes it less difficult.

Your child identifies with his biological father. Any negativity about his father will be experienced as negativity about him. Thus, telling him his dad is a loser will translate to telling him he, himself, is a loser. Telling him his dad loves him but has a lot of trouble dealing with emotions and straightening out his behavior is more helpful. That is also, in all likelihood, what is actually happening with your son.

Your child may be feeling thrown away, devalued, unwanted. In spite of all sorts of people saying the opposite, you can probably assume that he is struggling with a great deal of anger toward himself -- assuming that he has done something to make his dad so angry, unloving, inconsiderate and touchy. This doesn't go away with talking. This goes away -- maybe -- as people demonstrate this is not the case. An experienced counselor can help with ideas about how to accomplish this while also working on opening up the child's willingness to change his mind.

Your son is probably experiencing a great deal of stress, conflict and confusion. You can't rely on what he is saying. Adults get very confused, hostile and grumpy under far less frustrating, distressing circumstances. It is no mystery that a child would. Adults will tell you what is wrong, but they may be very, very wrong. It is easier, sometimes, to figure out what is going on without asking the person who is so confused, upset and distressed.

Understand that when your son is dumping hateful emotions on your partner, this is probably an attempt to get some help dealing with his emotions, confusion and stress. It is also probably an indication that your partner is seen as safe to "reach out to" in order to get help. Yes, it’s a lot of stress to dump on poor father-figures, but kids in these situations do not feel comfortable confronting their biological dad. Confronting him may result in harsh retribution and a quick termination of the relationship.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Son Refuses to Go On Spring Break Trip with Family

Hello Mark,

First, thank you for your calm and sensible way of dealing with these problems. We have appreciated
the help.

We have a dilemma. Spring break is coming and a trip has been planned. Our 17 year old son, for whom we started your program doesn't want to go. He would like to go on an alternate trip with a friend and his family, which would only be for part of the time we will be gone and just staying around town at home or with other friends the rest of the time.

One of the reasons we started your program was a little incident earlier in the year when we found he had a party with alcohol in the house when we were out of town. We tried to get him to talk to us about what he thought would be an appropriate punishment but when he didn't come up with anything on his own we came up with some restrictions he of course didn't agree with. He did stick to it pretty well with only a few changes that we discussed prior to the events. Another was his lack of motivation and sort of a passive aggressive way of dealing with us and blowing off chores and school. He's had a few angry outbursts but nothing violent towards us, he does have a punching bag that has gotten a workout on a couple of occasions.

Since starting your program things have improved but I'm still concerned about leaving him here while we're gone.

I thought about getting him to write an itinerary of where he would be each day with phone numbers of the homes he would be staying in so we could call there each evening and make sure he was actually in those places. The other idea was to write up a contract of what was expected of him while we were gone.

I'm feeling apprehensive but would really like to trust him to do the right thing. He will be going off to college next year so it would be great for him to show more maturity at this point.

If you could help in any way we would really appreciate it.

Thank You,

A.

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Hi A.,

Here are a few questions to think about:

• Can your son understand and follow safety measures?
• Does your son follow your instructions about staying away from strangers?
• Does your son know basic first-aid procedures?
• Does your son make good judgments about what kinds of risks to take?
• Does your son show signs of responsibility with things like homework, household chores, and following directions?
• Does your son understand and follow rules?
• How does your son handle unexpected situations?
• How calm does your son stay when things don't go his way?

Even if you're confident that your son does well with all of the above, it's wise to make some practice runs, or home-alone trials, before the big day. Let your son stay home alone for 30 minutes to an hour while you remain nearby and easily reachable. When you return, discuss how it went and talk about things that you might want to change or skills that your son may need to learn for the next time.

Even after you decide that your son is ready to stay home alone, you're bound to feel a little anxious when the time comes. But some practical steps taken in advance can make it easier for you both:

1. Schedule time to get in touch. Set up a schedule for calling. You might have your son call as soon as he walks in the door (if coming home to an empty house), or set up a time when you'll call home to check in. Figure out something that's convenient for both of you. Make sure your son understands when you'll be able to get in touch and when you might not be able to answer a call.

2. Set ground rules. Try to set up some special rules for when you're away and make sure that your son knows and understands them. Consider rules about:

• answering the phone
• getting along with siblings
• having a friend or friends over while you're not there
• Internet and computer rules
• kitchen and cooking (you may want to make the oven and utensils like sharp knives off limits)
• not telling anyone he is alone
• opening the door for strangers
• rooms of the house that are off limits, especially with friends
• TV time and types of shows

3. Childproof your home. No matter how well your son follows rules, be sure to secure anything that could be a health or safety risk. Lock them up and put them in a place where your son cannot get to them or, when possible, remove them from your home. These items include:

• alcohol
• car keys
• guns (if you do keep one, make sure it is locked up and leave it unloaded and stored away from ammunition)
• lighters and matches
• over-the-counter medications that could cause problems if taken in excess: sleeping pills, cough medicine, etc.
• prescription medications
• tobacco

Good luck,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter is Angry with Mother Most of the Time

My 13 year old daughter is angry at me most of the time. It is hard to say anything to her without her snarkyness "don't talk to me" or "I know" ect. I never know if I should let it pass or jump on it. Then later she will ask rather nicely if she can go to a friends. Do I say "no" now because of the earlier rudeness that I endured BUT did not act on at the time? Week 2 is hard. So many issues and hard to pick where and what battles to tackle in the heap.

Also, her 16year old sister is so "good". This builds a lot of resentment with my 13year old. She wonders why all these rules only seem to apply to her. She always says we favor her sister. Her sister does what she is suppose to without problem. She is pleasant and works hard at school. I don't know what to say to my 13 year old about why only she had to have all these extra chores and rules.

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Teen anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teenage anger, the behavior that we see. Some teens may repress their anger and withdraw; others may be more defiant and destroy property.

They will continue their behavior, or it may escalate, until they decide to look within themselves to the roots of their anger. But teenage anger is a feeling, an emotion, not a behavior. And anger is usually caused by something going on in a teen's life.

Teen anger can be a frightening emotion for the teen and for the parents, but it is not inherently harmful. Its negative expressions can include physical and verbal violence, prejudice, malicious gossip, antisocial behavior, sarcasm, addictions, withdrawal, and psychosomatic disorders. These negative expressions of teenage anger can devastate lives, destroying relationships, harming others, disrupting work, clouding effective thinking, affecting physical health, and ruining futures.

But, there is a positive aspect to such expression, as it can show others that a problem exists. Teenage anger is usually a secondary emotion brought on by fear. It can motivate us to resolve those things that are not working in our lives and help us face our issues and deal with the underlying reasons for the anger, specifically things such as:

• Abuse

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Grief

• Alcohol or substance abuse

• Trauma

Teens face a lot of emotional issues during this period of development. They're faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships, and purpose. The relationship between teens and their parents is also changing as teens become more and more independent. Parents often have a difficult time dealing with their teen's new-found independence. And it can bring up issues of the parents' own anger.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

This can bring about frustration and confusion that can lead to anger and a pattern of reactive behavior for both parents and teens. That is, teens are simply negatively reacting to their parent's behaviors, and parents react back in an equally negative manner.

This sets up a self-reinforcing pattern of interaction. Unless we work to change our own behavior, we cannot help another change theirs. We need to respond rather than react to each other and to situations. The intention is not to deny the anger, but to control that emotion and find a way to express it in a productive or at least, a less harmful, manner.

Teens dealing with anger can ask these questions of themselves to help bring about greater self-awareness:

• Where does this anger come from?
• What situations bring out this feeling of anger?
• Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as "must," "should," "never?”
• Are my expectations unreasonable?
• What unresolved conflict am I facing?
• Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?
• Am I aware of anger's physical signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath, sweating)?
• How do I choose to express my anger?
• To whom or what is my anger directed?
• Am I using anger as a way to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?
• Am I communicating effectively?
• Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what I can do?
• How am I accountable for what I'm feeling?
• How am I accountable for how my anger shows up?
• Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?

So what can teens and parents do? Listen to your teen and focus on feelings. Try to understand the situation from his or her perspective. Blaming and accusing only builds up more walls and ends all communication. Tell them how you feel, stick to facts, and deal with the present moment.

Show that you care and show your love. Work towards a solution where everyone gets something, and therefore feels okay about the resolution. Remember that anger is the feeling and behavior is the choice.

RE: "Do I say 'no' now because of the earlier rudeness that I endured BUT did not act on at the time?"  Only if you've told her ahead of time that backtalk and rude comments result in withheld privileges.

RE: "This builds a lot of resentment with my 13year old."  Click here for information on sibling rivalry

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents