Aggressive Male Teens: Tips for Single Mothers

Your teenage son is becoming more and more aggressive toward you. He is quickly developing the habit of getting in your face and yelling when he doesn’t get his way. He has even threatened to hurt you if you don’t let him do what he wants.

To make matters worse, he is taller and stronger than you, and you’re a single mother who gets no protection from your son’s father since he is rarely – if ever – around to intervene. What is a single mom to do?!

Aggressive male teens emotionally abuse their single mothers in an attempt to control them. Emotional abuse is considered domestic abuse, and it is just as harmful as physical abuse. Domestic abuse is defined as any instance when one family member begins to dominate the other member. Your aggressive son abuses you emotionally so he can get complete control over you – your thoughts, beliefs and concept of yourself – in order to be able to do what he wants, when he wants, and without any consequences.

Emotional abuse is often the prelude to physical abuse or domestic violence. If your teenage son threatens you with physical harm, don't take this as an idle threat. He won't play fair in his efforts to get his way. Listen to other family members, coworkers and friends when they express concern for you. Learn about the cycle of violence (i.e., a cycle your son follows as he continues to bring you ever more under his control).

Here are some tips for single moms who are dealing with a violent teenage son who can easily overpower his mother in the heat of the moment:

1. Break the silence on this issue. You need to let others know about the abuse. Talk to a female friend whom you trust and let her know what's been going on. If you have a healthy relationship with your ex-husband or his parents, tell them about your son’s abusive behavior.

2. Talk to a counselor. Make a plan for how you will communicate with this person. Ask him/her to only call you while your son is at school or out with friends – or to wait for you to call, since your son may become more abusive if he finds out you're talking to someone. Depending on your situation, the counselor may recommend a formal "intervention" involving friends, family members, and perhaps even your pastor. During this meeting, this group of individuals will back you up as you confront your son about his abusive behavior. Tell him that you are not going to allow him to abuse you anymore, and insist that he get counseling for his anger problem immediately.

3. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE for information and referrals in every state, crisis intervention or safety planning.

4. File a protective order. Go to the court clerk's office in your town to file a request for a restraining order, requiring your son to stay a certain distance away from you.

5. If friends, relatives or co-workers tell you they suspect you're being abused by your own child, don't be afraid to admit it.

6. Make an escape plan in the event your son becomes violent (e.g., pushes, smacks, hits, throws things at you, etc.). Leave as soon as you're able, and call the police. At the first sign of rage, leave the house and go a prearranged place where you will be safe. That could be a friend's home or your parents’ home. It's also a good idea to have some extra clothing and toiletries in the trunk of your car.

7. Realize that you're involved in a very disrespectful relationship and your child is abusing you. Even though he hasn’t used his hands against you (YET!), his words and put-downs are just as damaging.

8. Recognize you have the right to be safe in your daily life. If your teenage son threatens physical violence against you, start filing police reports so you create a paper trail and obtain a restraining order so law enforcement can help you. With a trusted friend, develop a safety plan so you can get away with as little disruption of your life as possible.

9. Your self-esteem may become affected due to the emotional battering you've been subjected to. You loved, provided for, and raised this child – and now he is treating you like a junkyard dog. Locate a therapist so you can begin individual therapy and start the healing process. Look for a therapist or clinical social worker who specializes in working with victims of domestic abuse or violence.

10. Your son is able to control his behaviors. When someone interrupted one of his abusive episodes (e.g., his father, a teacher, a police officer), he switched from being abusive to being calm and charming. Talk to your therapist about this ability and observe this switch so you can gain new insight about your son, especially if you can't bring yourself to kick him out of the house. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Give Your Teenager an Attitude Adjustment

Once a youngster reaches adolescence, many moms and dads may think it is too late to help him or her change a negative attitude. This is not the case, and while it may take longer, it is possible to help your youngster develop a positive attitude. Having a positive attitude is essential to your child’s happiness and success. A negative attitude can result in him or her feeling unloved, frustrated and easily led.

How to Give Your Teenager an Attitude Adjustment:

1. Avoid harsh criticism, especially if it includes humiliation and mockery. Sometimes it will be necessary to provide “constructive criticism” to your adolescent, and as a mother or father, you are right to do it. However, if the criticism is harsh, this will have a negative effect on the adolescent's attitude. The way you word constructive criticism is important. Using "I" instead of "you" statements is a good way to communicate with your child. For example, "I would like you to clean-up your room" is better than "You never pick up after yourself." The result should be the same; however, the first statement is more an opinion, whereas the second is negative and insulting.

2. Encourage your teen to do something good for herself. It could be going for a run, reading a book or seeing a movie with a friend.

3. Encourage your teen to take up new hobbies or pursue new interests. This gives him the opportunity to do something by himself and encourages him to work toward achievements. The fact you trust him to be independent will make him feel positive. Doing something he enjoys will also increase his confidence, especially if he receives any official recognition. Activities based on cooperation or working together rather than competition is also a good way to build a positive attitude.

4. Encourage your adolescent to display cards and gifts from friends. Re-reading cards or letters from good friends can remind her that plenty of people like her.

5. Encourage your adolescent to write down his good qualities. He should include qualities that others like about him, too.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Encourage your teenager to surprise someone else with a thoughtful gesture. She could take cookies to a new mother or an elderly neighbor. Delighting another person is always a good way to feel better about yourself.

7. Evaluate your own attitude. A youngster's attitude is a learned behavior. Adolescents watch their moms and dads and how they react to certain experiences and events. Kids learn a good portion of their belief system from their moms and dads. Therefore, a parent's attitude and a loving home environment are important to help develop positive attitudes in adolescents.

8. Give your teen a sincere compliment a few times each week – and don’t let her brush it off.

9. Let children know they're nearing the disrespectful zone with some pre-arranged signal. This red flag gives them a clear warning that more-drastic action will follow if they don't stop what they're doing, and, in public, it also allows them to save face in front their friends, which makes them more likely to be compliant than if you had barked out a direct order.

10. Let your adolescent select the chores for which he will be responsible. He should then pick something he doesn't mind doing and something that fits with his time schedule.

11. Offer leniency. If she has finals, give her a week off from her chores. Keep in mind that today's adolescents are often as strapped for time as we are.

12. Praise your child when he deserves it. Show him you appreciate him and recognize when he makes positive choices. Most adolescents will bask in their parent's praise, so be sure to give credit when credit is due. Your adolescent's attitude will be much more positive if you also show him respect as well as command it from him.

13. Set up a natural reminder system – a chart or a note left on the kitchen counter for the adolescent. Unemotional memory jogs will help him succeed at his chores.

14. If your youngster doesn’t respond to some of the more gentle methods, step-up your response. Spell out the consequences of breaking the rule beforehand, and make sure that you can – and do – follow through.

15. Teach the chore. You may think an adolescent has watched you run a garbage disposal a thousand times, but some of them won't have paid any attention.

16. Teach them how to do positive self-talk. This is the little voice in our heads which we use to communicate with ourselves. Positive self-talk will have a direct influence on how positive a person's attitude and actions are. Tell your adolescent instead of using negative statements, replace them with positive ones. For example, "I can do this right, I just need to concentrate" is much better than "I failed again, I never do anything right." If you promote positive self-talk you should notice a distinct change in the child’s attitude.

17. Teach your adolescent to aim high, while showing her how to acknowledge her limitations. There is no problem having dreams and aspirations, as long as they are realistic. If your adolescent wants to achieve the impossible, this will only make her feel negatively when she fails to do it. Unrealistic expectations are one of the biggest causes of negative attitudes in our kids.

18. Teach your adolescent how to laugh at himself. People who are too serious tend to find something negative in everything they do. Having a sense of humor will encourage positivity.

19. Understand that your teen is going through a difficult period of physical and emotional changes. Be patient as you help her learn to respect grown-ups and avoid growing weary or irritated if she slips up. Instead of growing angry if your teenager is disrespectful, use the moment as an opportunity to teach her further. Talk about ways she can respond the next time the issue comes up and talk about why she responded the way that she did.

20. Use the BAM method. BAM stands for (a) Build on strengths, (b) Awareness, and (c) Model:

• Build On Strengths: In discussions with your teenagers, begin by building on the strengths that they have shown, the positive behaviors in which they have engaged, and how to improve the undesired behaviors.
• Awareness: Talk with your teens at those times when they demonstrate behavior that is less then respectful. Showing them in the moment is most beneficial. 
• Model: Show your teens how to respect by interacting respectfully with your spouse and with others.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents