HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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High Self-Esteem: A Cure for Bad Teen Behavior

The development of a positive self-esteem is extremely important to the happiness and success of adolescents. Self-esteem is how young people feel about themselves – and their behavior clearly reflects those feelings! For example, a teenager with high self-esteem will be able to tolerate frustration, take pride in her accomplishments, attempt new tasks and challenges, handle positive and negative emotions, assume responsibility, and act independently – all the traits that parents want their teens to have!!!

15 steps you can take to help your teen develop high self-esteem (and as a happy bi-product, improve his or her behavior as well):

1.  Help your adolescent learn from her mistakes. Give her constructive criticism when she attempts to resolve a particular problem, because she is taking responsibility and learning from it. When dealing with mistakes, assist your adolescent in identifying the problem, and then brainstorm solutions together. Allowing her to brainstorm with you will build her confidence and push her to become more involved in making positive changes in her life.

2.  Encourage your teenager to ask for what he wants assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that he will get it. Reinforce him for asking, and avoid anticipating his desires.

3. Show your adolescent that it is perfectly acceptable to make mistakes, and it is sometimes best to laugh at the mistakes. At times, it's better to find humor than to focus on the negativity that surrounds slip-ups and blunders. This will prevent your adolescent from dwelling on his mistakes and allow him to move forward and achieve success in where he made an error.

4. Encourage your teenager to behave toward herself the way she would like her friends to behave toward her.

5. Encourage your teenager to develop hobbies and interests which give him gratification and which he can pursue independently.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Have your adolescent set realistic goals, while encouraging him and praising him for achieving these goals. Assist your adolescent in reaching goals which he can fulfill. Reaching his goals will foster a sense of accomplishment. Your adolescent also learns that nothing is impossible – if he just tries.

7. Consider positive self-talk. Have your adolescent verbally say good things about herself. Point out your adolescent's strengths (e.g., sports that she is good at, subjects she has a strong knowledge of, etc.). Reinforce them when she encounters negativity and assist her in taking pride in her own accomplishments. The ability to identify positive things about herself is an important part of building high self-esteem.

8. Help your teenager develop tease tolerance by pointing out that some teasing can’t hurt. Help him learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk (e.g., “names can never hurt me,” “teasing has no power over me,” “if I can resist this joker, then I’m building emotional muscles,” etc.).

9. Help your teenager think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending on one option for fulfillment. A teen who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a teen who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can please you, you limit your potential for being content! The more you help your teenager realize that there are many options in every circumstance, the more you increase her potential for fulfillment.

10. Laugh with your teenager and encourage him to laugh at himself. Adolescents who take themselves too seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing a teenager’s overall quality of life.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Always be generous with praise. Look for occasions when your adolescent has displayed a new talent, accomplished a new task, acted unselfishly, or has demonstrated positive character traits. Praising your adolescent for a job well done fosters her independence and encourages her to think positively, because she knows she is doing a good job.

12. Let your teenager know she creates - and is responsible for - any feelings she experiences. Similarly, she is not responsible for other people’s feelings. Avoid blaming your teenager for how she feels.

13. When possible, let your teenager settle his own disputes between siblings and/or peers.

14. Allow your adolescent to make decisions on his own. Praise good decisions, but also allow him to take ownership of his own mistakes so he can learn from it. Don't always solve your teen’s problems for him, otherwise he will always depend on you when something goes awry. Try some “decision-making skill” exercises (e.g., making a list and weighing the consequences of each outcome). Letting your adolescent make his own choices promotes self-esteem because it empowers him and increases his confidence level.

15. Teach your teenager to change her “demands” to “preferences.” Point out to her that there is no reason she MUST get everything she wants, and that she need not feel angry either. Encourage her to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing her when she displays “appropriate irritation” rather than anger.

Adolescence is a turbulent time. Teenagers go through many changes during this time of their life. Factors such as hormones, moods and peer pressure can often influence a teenager's decisions. As a result, they may make bad choices, resulting in undesirable behavior and constant negativity. Having a positive self-esteem means you have pride in yourself and in what you do. Teenagers that have high self-esteem are filled with confidence and determination – and can make the right choices in life and become well-adjusted grown-ups.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Reducing Stress In Your Single-Parent Family

If you're raising a son or daughter on your own, you're in good company. Single-parent families are more common than ever. Child-rearing can be difficult under any circumstances, but without a spouse/partner, the stakes are even higher.

As a single mother or father, you probably have sole responsibility for most aspects of day-to-day child-care. This can result in added stress and fatigue. If you're too tired or distracted to be emotionally supportive or consistently discipline your youngster, behavioral problems can arise.

Single-parent families also generally have lower incomes and less access to health care. Juggling work and child-care can be financially difficult and socially isolating. You might worry about the lack of a male or female parental role model for your youngster, too.

How to reduce stress in your single-parent family:

1. Contradict negative stereotypes about the opposite sex. Share an example of a member of the opposite sex who doesn't fit the stereotype. Include in your life members of the opposite sex who aren't romantic partners. Seek out positive relationships with responsible members of the opposite sex who might serve as role models for your son or daughter. Show your youngster that it's possible to have long-term, positive relationships with members of the opposite sex. Look for opportunities to be positive. Point out accomplishments or positive characteristics of members of the opposite sex in your family, the community, or even the media. Avoid making broad, negative statements about the opposite sex.

2. Take advantage of local resources. Many communities offer play groups, after-school activities, and parenting classes. These can give you and your youngster a chance to have fun, learn, and make new friends.

3. Don't blame yourself or spoil your youngster to try to make up for being a single mother or father. Feeling guilty about the divorce only makes a challenging situation even more challenging.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If you need regular child-care, look for a qualified care-giver who can provide stimulation in a safe environment. Don't rely on an older son or daughter as your only baby-sitter. Be careful about asking a new friend or partner to watch your youngster.

5. Explain house rules and expectations to your youngster (e.g., speaking respectfully), and enforce them. Work with other adults in your youngster's life to provide consistent discipline. Consider re-evaluating certain limits (e.g., your youngster's screen time) when he/she shows the ability to accept more responsibility.

6. Don’t forget to play and have fun. Take a break from your busy routine to plan something special for you and your youngster (e.g., a trip to the zoo, going out for ice cream, etc.).

7. If you're dating, consider the impact your new romantic partner will have on your son or daughter. Look for a partner who will treat both you and your youngster with respect. Consider waiting until you've established a solid relationship with someone before introducing him/her to your youngster. When you're ready to make the introduction, explain to your son or daughter some of your new partner's positive qualities. Don't expect your new partner and your youngster to become close immediately, however. Give them time to get to know each other.

8. Invite a positive and responsible family member or friend to spend time with your youngster. Young people tend to do very well later in life when they have an involved, caring mentor during childhood. If you don't have a family member or friend available, groups like Big Brothers/Big Sisters can help.

9. Include physical activity in your daily routine. Eat a healthy diet, and get plenty of sleep. Arrange time to do activities you enjoy alone or with close friends. Just be sure to take care of yourself.

10. It's OK to be honest with your youngster if you're having a difficult time after a divorce, but remind him/her that things will get better. Try to keep your sense of humor when dealing with everyday challenges. Stay positive as much as possible.

11. If you don’t get to spend enough time with your son or daughter, look for creative solutions (e.g., find out if your job lets you work flexible hours).

12. Remember to praise your youngster. Give him/her your unconditional love and support. Set aside time each day to do something together, or simply sit with your youngster.

13. Structure (e.g., regularly scheduled meals and bedtimes) helps your youngster know what to expect. So, create a routine and stick with it.

14. Accept help. If friends and family offer their help, take it! This can mean having someone play with your youngster while you run errands or having someone to call when you need to talk.

15. Many single-parent families are the result of divorce or separation. If this is the case in your family, talk to your youngster about the changes you're facing. Listen to your youngster's feelings and try to answer his/her questions honestly — avoiding unnecessary details or negativity about the other parent. Remind your youngster that he/she did nothing to cause the divorce or separation, and that you'll always love him/her. A counselor might be able to help you and your son or daughter talk about problems, fears or concerns. Try to regularly communicate with your youngster's other parent about your youngster's care and well-being to help him/her adapt.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Work out a carpool schedule with other parents. Join a support group for single moms and dads, or seek social services. Call on trusted loved ones, friends and neighbors for help. Faith communities can be helpful resources, too. Learn to lean on others.

17. If you're a single mom, you may have to deal with a male parent who isn't very involved in your youngster's life. No matter what you do, you can't force your youngster's dad to get onboard. However, how you explain the situation to your youngster is crucial. Although having a father-figure is valuable, it's not everything – you don't NEED an adult male to help raise your youngster. But, don't talk negatively about your youngster's dad (don't glorify him, either). Leave the door open for responsible contact between your youngster and his/her dad, but know that if you try to force a relationship between father and child, your child is bound to feel disappointed and rejected.

18. If you are a single father, be sure to communicate regularly with your kids. There are too many dads who do not talk enough about “feelings.” This doesn't imply that they are not involved or care less; in homes where the dad is playing both the parents, sometimes there is very little time for a sit-down conversation about the day’s events and how the children feel about those events. Try to keep a track of what's going on in school. Take interest in your youngster's studies and know how he or she is faring in tests. Showing interest in your kids’ education gives them the feeling that you are involved. Also, try to show your softer side. The gentler you are with your kids, the more capable they will be in dealing with the absence of their mom – and they will be more comfortable in sharing their matters with you. And lastly, get in touch with other single dads. Talk to them and share your experiences. Sharing your feelings with other fathers who are in the same position as you will make you a better parent, because you will probably get some crucial parenting tips from the other single dads who have been single longer than you.

19. Allow yourself to have some “alone-time.” You need to relax once in a while too! This can be as simple as taking 10 minutes to read some in a good book after your youngster goes to bed.

20. Lastly, never forget that being a single mother or father can be a rewarding experience. By showing your love and respect, talking honestly and staying positive, you can lessen the stress of single parenting and help your son or daughter thrive.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

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