HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS

Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD

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When "Taking Away Privileges" Doesn't Work

“No matter what consequence I choose, there are always other privileges my son enjoys, or even loopholes. For example, I was specific in that he couldn't use the computer or cell phone during the 3 day discipline; but he still has other privileges during those 3 days--like video games. Also, I didn't specifically ground him, so he visited a friend in the neighborhood (where he probably used his friend's computer), and I specifically said he lost the use of his cell phone, so he used the house phone instead (although for shorter periods). I was uncomfortable with this, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to alter the consequence mid-stream. What do I do?”

When implementing a 3-day discipline, it is best that the child have no privileges + grounding. That is, no use of cell phone, no use of computer, no use of video games, no leaving the house – and in the case where he enjoys hibernating in his room – no access to his bedroom except to dress and sleep. Otherwise, it is not an “uncomfortable” consequence. 
 
We want the consequence to “feel uncomfortable” to the child. 

If, for example, you put on an itchy sweater made of sheep’s wool and break out with a rash, you tend to take it off because it is uncomfortable – and you may never wear it again! If the child finds a consequence to be “itchy,” he may decide not to exhibit the behavior that initiated the consequence he’s allergic to.


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

5 comments:

Jeannie said...

My teen looks for loopholes in wording. Keeping him off all audio visual is as much a punishment for me. As I am having to be like a guard over all these items while my son paces like a caged lion. I have two other children that go on, he'll watch them. Instead I put him on work duty. I get the house cleaned, garden weeded. I restict his time on a/v along with work detail. Then make sure to keep him active in things he loves is huge. Two hours of swimming 2x a week and 2 hours a week doing parkour freerunning. Wonderful coaches are a blessing.

Kidsaremyhobby said...

I tell mine he could be a great lawyer! I never knew how many loopholes exist! 😄

Zennie said...

Does anyone have an issue that another family (whom you don't know in my case or do know) that tries to insert themselves while you are trying to get things under control?

Anonymous said...

Yep I have a relative who did that when my older son was younger. Anytime I would correct him for something I got told to lay off. Now she is having to have some discussions with him about his attitude and how he treats people. Now if she had backed me when he was younger I wonder if we would have the same issues.

Meamea said...

Do any of you know what it's like to not have a single person try to insert themselves into your kids life? It's hell and I pray every day for someone to see and love and be involved and interested in my children's well being. I'm a 3 man village and I'll tell you what. If you have anyone that loves your children enough to insert themselves while you try to figure out where what went wrong and try a million things that the internet tells you to do... Count your blessings... Some people don't have the luxury of an outside support system or person.

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