Ask—Don’t Tell: How to Elicit Compliance by Giving Control
Who this helps
This post is for parents of children and teens with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) or simply strong-willed kids. It’s especially useful for families who find themselves locked in daily power struggles over chores, homework, routines, or rules.
Big idea (in plain language)
When you ask skillfully instead of tell reflexively, you reduce power struggles and increase cooperation. Kids resist being controlled, but they respond better when they feel they have some choice.
Why this works
Defiance usually comes from a sense of lost control. Kids with ODD are extra sensitive to this—they push back to prove they’re not being dominated. By shifting your language from telling to asking, you reframe the moment: instead of “You can’t make me,” the child thinks, “I get to decide how I do this.” That change in mindset makes compliance more likely.
The 5-Step “Ask, Don’t Tell” Method
1) Regulate yourself first. Take a slow breath, soften your voice, and keep your face calm.
2) Name the shared goal. Example: “We both want a smooth evening.”
3) Offer a real choice between two good options.
4) Ask a process question that puts responsibility on the child.
5) Close with a time frame and confidence. Example: “I’ll check back in 5 minutes. I know you’ve got this.”
Age-banded coaching scripts
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“Do you want to put toys in the blue bin or the green bin first?”
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“What’s the first thing your hands do after the potty—wash with soap or turn on the water?”
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“Do you want to start homework with a ten-minute timer or with your checklist?”
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“Which chore do you want to knock out first—setting the table or taking out the trash?”
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“You want more freedom; I want reliability. What’s your plan to be home by 9:30—set two alarms or share location?”
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“You pick: math with music or math in the quiet room for 20 minutes—what helps you start?”
Case vignette
A mother was locked in nightly fights with her 9-year-old over homework. Instead of saying, “Do your homework now,” she tried, “Do you want to start with math or reading first?” The child chose math, grumbled a bit, but got started. Over the next week, resistance dropped because the child felt in charge of the process.
Parent worksheet — “From Tell → Ask”
Goal: Convert five common “commands” into “asks with choices.”
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Write the “tell” you usually give.
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Rewrite it into an “ask + two options.”
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Add a time frame.
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Decide your follow-through (praise or consequence).
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Practice once out loud.
| Situation | Old “Tell” | New “Ask + Choice” | Time Frame | Follow-through |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Morning routine | “Hurry up!” | “What’s first—teeth or socks?” | 5 min | Sticker chart |
| Homework | “Do it now!” | “Ten-minute start or checklist?” | 10 min | Extra screen time |
| Chores | “Take out trash!” | “Trash now or after snack?” | 15 min | Screen time loss if no |
Common pitfalls (and fixes)
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Too many choices → Stick with two.
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Disguised commands (“Can you just…?!”) → Use plain, calm language.
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No follow-through → Decide in advance.
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Getting pulled into debate → Acknowledge feelings once, restate the choice, and walk away.
Notes for co-parents & teachers
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Agree on the same set of two choices ahead of time so the child doesn’t get mixed signals.
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Keep phrasing consistent across adults; predictability reduces testing and power struggles.
Key takeaways
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Defiance is often about control, not laziness.
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Offering real choices inside your boundaries helps kids cooperate.
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Calm tone, clear structure, and consistent follow-through matter more than the words themselves.
Do this next (quick win)
Pick one recurring battle. Write one “ask + two choices” line for it. Try it today and notice how the energy shifts when your child gets to choose.
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