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Creating a Family Culture of Accountability: Engaging Strategies for Parents of Teens in Recovery

Fostering a culture of accountability within a family can be transformative, especially when your adolescent is navigating the challenges of recovery from addiction or mental health issues. This journey can be tumultuous, but it is also a significant opportunity for personal growth and healing. As parents, your role is paramount in establishing an environment that encourages responsibility, honesty, and open dialogue. This article outlines specific, engaging strategies that parents can utilize to cultivate a supportive family dynamic for their teens in recovery, fostering a sense of unity and togetherness as you navigate this journey as a team.

#### Understanding the Concept of Accountability in the Family

Accountability within the family context refers to the shared commitment among family members to be responsible for their actions and adhere to established values. In recovery settings, this involves building a structure where family members support each other, recognize the consequences of their actions, and work together towards personal and collective growth. Developing a culture of accountability not only aids in the recovery process but also strengthens familial bonds and instills a sense of trust and respect.

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#### 1. Establish Open Communication Channels

The cornerstone of accountability is effective communication. To foster this in your home, consider the following:

- **Model Transparency**: Share personal experiences, including your own challenges with accountability, mistakes, and lessons learned. By revealing your vulnerabilities, you set the stage for mutual honesty, letting your teen know that it's okay to struggle and that growth often emerges from failure.

- **Practice Active Listening**: When your teen expresses their thoughts or concerns, engage fully. Put away distractions like phones and make eye contact. Validate their feelings with responses that acknowledge their experiences, reinforcing that their opinions are valued and heard.

- **Implement Weekly Family Meetings**: Schedule regular times—perhaps Sunday evenings—where everyone in the family gathers to discuss the week’s events. Create an agenda where everyone can share their successes, challenges, and feelings. Establishing this routine emphasizes the importance of communication and creates a safe space for discussion.

#### 2. Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries

Teens thrive when they understand what is expected of them. Establishing clear guidelines fosters a sense of security:

- **Collaborative Rule Creation**: Involve your teen in the development of family rules. Present this as a brainstorming session where everyone’s input is considered. This collaborative effort can lead to more buy-in and a sense of ownership over the rules.

- **Define Consequences and Rewards**: Make the expectations for behavior clear, including both positive reinforcements and necessary consequences for actions. For example, if your teen meets their curfew consistently, reward them with choices about weekend activities; if they miss curfew, discuss appropriate consequences, such as reduced screen time.

#### 3. Implement Goal-Setting Practices

Goal setting is not just a useful tool; it can be a powerful motivator for teens in recovery:

- **Individual and Family Goals**: Encourage your teen to establish personal recovery goals, such as attending a certain number of support meetings per month or practicing mindfulness techniques daily. Simultaneously, set collective family goals, like planning a family hike every month, which promotes togetherness and accountability.

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- SMART Goals Framework: Teach your teen to formulate their goals using the SMART criteria—Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. This might mean stating, “I will attend three support meetings this month” instead of a vague commitment to “going more often.” The SMART framework ensures that goals are clear and reachable, which can help your teen stay accountable.

- **Regular Progress Check-Ins**: Set aside time during family meetings for your teen to share updates on their goals. This allows for reflection and encouragement from family members, reinforcing the accountability to adhere to personal aspirations.

#### 4. Foster Responsibility through Natural Consequences

Allowing your teen to face natural consequences can be one of the most potent lessons in accountability:

- **Remove Safety Nets**: Encourage your teen to learn from mistakes by refraining from intervening immediately to “fix” situations. For instance, if they forget to complete a school assignment, let them experience the consequences at school, while discussing what they could do differently next time.

- **Reflective Post-Event Conversations**: After a natural consequence, initiate a conversation focused on reflection. Ask questions like, “What did you learn from that situation?” This helps your teen develop critical thinking skills and a sense of responsibility for their actions.

#### 5. Encourage Peer Accountability

Teens often respond well to their peers, and leveraging this can enhance their sense of responsibility:

- **Connect with Recovery Programs**: Encourage participation in structured support groups or recovery programs specifically tailored for teens. Such programs not only provide guidance and support but also foster accountability among peers who face similar challenges.

- **Buddy Systems**: Help your teen identify a recovery buddy—a friend who shares similar goals and values about sobriety. Having someone to check in with can enhance their motivation to stay accountable and can provide mutual support during difficult moments.

#### 6. Celebrate Progress and Achievements

Recognizing and celebrating the steps your teen takes toward accountability can energize the recovery journey:

- **Positive Reinforcement**: Be proactive in acknowledging when your teen achieves their goals or demonstrates responsible behavior. Celebrate these victories with meaningful praise and recognition, which can bolster their self-esteem and commitment to accountability.

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- **Family Celebrations**: Create family traditions to celebrate milestones in recovery. For instance, if your teen reaches a significant goal—like six months of sobriety—plan a special family outing, such as a weekend getaway or a celebratory dinner. These celebrations reinforce the importance of accountability in a positive and motivating way.

#### 7. Create a Safe Environment for Mistakes

It’s essential to cultivate an atmosphere where mistakes are reframed as learning opportunities rather than failures. This approach not only nurtures accountability but also encourages a resilient mindset:

- **Constructive Responses**: When mistakes occur, respond with guidance rather than disappointment. For instance, instead of expressing frustration if your teen relapses, engage them in a supportive dialogue to explore what led to the slip and how to avoid similar triggers in the future.

- **Encourage a Growth Mindset**: Instill the belief that recovery is an ongoing journey characterized by ups and downs. Emphasize that accountability includes acknowledging lapses and committing to reassessing their strategies and behaviors moving forward.

Creating a culture of accountability within the family is an ongoing journey that requires commitment, empathy, and understanding. By adopting these detailed strategies, parents can provide their teens with the necessary tools to take responsibility for their actions as they navigate the recovery process. A nurturing family environment bolstered by accountability not only aids in healing but also strengthens familial relationships, fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect and trust. Through open communication, established boundaries, and a focus on learning and celebrating progress, families can thrive collectively, supporting each member as they pursue their path towards a healthier and more fulfilling future.

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One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

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Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

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The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

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Help for Distraught Parents of Defiant Teenagers: Discipline Methods That WORK!

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When to Consider Inpatient Treatment for Your Troubled Teenager

Raising a teenager can often feel like navigating a complex maze, especially when faced with behavioral and mental health challenges. For some adolescents, these struggles may reach a point where outpatient therapy is no longer sufficient to address their needs. It is at this crossroads that many parents contemplate the necessity of inpatient treatment. However, determining the appropriate moment for such a significant decision can be overwhelming. Below are key indicators and detailed considerations that can help guide your decision-making process.

### Key Indicators That Your Teen May Need Inpatient Treatment

1. **Severe Emotional Distress**: Pay close attention to whether your teenager exhibits persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or anger that negatively impact their daily life. Signs may include prolonged periods of crying, irritability, loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, or an inability to concentrate. If your teen’s emotions seem overwhelming and unmanageable, it could signify that they need more intensive help.

2. **Risk of Self-Harm or Suicidal Thoughts**: If your teenager openly expresses thoughts of self-harm, suicidal ideation, or exhibits self-destructive behaviors, it is crucial to act immediately. Threats or gestures towards self-harm must be taken seriously, and a professional evaluation should be sought without delay. Inpatient treatment provides a safeguarded environment where your teen can receive round-the-clock care, immediate intervention, and crisis management tailored to their needs.

3. **Substance Abuse Issues**: If your teenager has begun using drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism, the consequences can be dire, affecting their mental and physical health. Indicators of substance abuse may include a decline in academic performance, changes in friend groups, secretive behavior, or the presence of unusual paraphernalia. Inpatient rehabilitation programs can provide a comprehensive approach to detoxification and recovery, alongside therapeutic support aimed at preventing relapse.

4. **Escalating Behavioral Problems**: Consider whether your teen has been displaying increasingly concerning behaviors, such as engaging in dangerous activities, becoming verbally or physically aggressive, or consistently arguing with family members. If these behaviors become unmanageable and threaten their safety or the safety of others, professional intervention is essential. Inpatient treatment can offer a structured environment where they can learn to manage their emotions and reactions effectively.

5. **Inability to Function in Daily Life**: Observe if your teenager is struggling to carry out essential daily tasks such as keeping up with schoolwork, maintaining friendships, completing household chores, or even practicing basic self-care. If their mental health has reached a point where they cannot engage with reality as they once did, inpatient care can provide a focused approach to help them regain stability and functionality.

### Benefits of Inpatient Treatment

- **Structured and Safe Environment**: Inpatient facilities provide a highly structured routine that can cultivate a sense of stability for teens who may be feeling chaotic or overwhelmed. With a set schedule for therapy sessions, meals, recreational activities, and downtime, adolescents can better adapt to the healing process.

- **Comprehensive, Multidisciplinary Care**: Inpatient programs typically offer an integrated approach, featuring a team of experts that includes therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, social workers, and educators. This collaborative environment ensures that each aspect of your child’s needs—emotional, mental, and educational—are addressed cohesively.

- **Focused Time for Recovery**: Being in an inpatient setting allows your teenager to focus intensely on their mental health without the distractions of daily life—like academic pressures, social expectations, and family stresses. This dedicated time can facilitate deeper therapeutic work and personal insights.

### Making the Decision

The decision to place your teenager in inpatient treatment requires careful consideration and often evokes feelings of uncertainty and fear. It is advisable to engage in discussions with mental health professionals who can evaluate your teen's unique situation and offer tailored recommendations. Open conversations with your child can also foster a sense of inclusion and understanding, helping them grasp the importance of the treatment while reassuring them of your support throughout the process.

### Conclusion

In conclusion, if your teenager is grappling with substantial emotional challenges, exhibiting self-harm tendencies, dealing with substance abuse, showing concerning behavioral shifts, or struggling to manage daily responsibilities, it may be time to explore inpatient treatment options. Each family’s circumstances are distinct, and prioritizing comprehensive professional advice is essential in making an informed choice for your child's well-being. By doing so, you can set your teenager on the path toward recovery, resilience, and a brighter future.

Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:

==> How to Prevent Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Parenting System that Reduces Defiant Behavior in Teens with Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Launching Adult Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Guide for Parents Who Want to Promote Self-Reliance

==> Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: Parents' Comprehensive Handbook

==> Unraveling the Mystery Behind High-Functioning Autism: Audio Book

==> Crucial Research-Based Parenting Strategies for Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism

Understanding the Behavioral Manifestations of a Depressed Teenager

Adolescence is a critical period marked by profound physical, emotional, and social changes. For many teenagers, this is a time of exploration and self-discovery. However, for some, it can also be a time filled with darkness and despair, particularly in the case of depression. Understanding the behavioral manifestations of a depressed teenager is crucial for parents, educators, and peers in order to provide the necessary support and intervention.

The Nature of Depression in Teenagers

Before exploring specific behaviors, it’s important to understand that depression can manifest differently in adolescents compared to adults. While adults may express their feelings more openly, teenagers often display their emotional struggles through changes in behavior rather than verbal communication. Additionally, hormonal changes and the pressures of adolescence can complicate the identification of depression, as some behaviors might be mistakenly attributed to typical teenage angst.

Common Behavioral Signs of Depression

1. Withdrawal from Activities: One of the most noticeable signs of depression in teenagers is a withdrawal from activities they once enjoyed. Whether it’s sports, hobbies, or social events, a depressed teen may lose interest in things that used to excite them. This withdrawal can lead to isolation, making it easy for them to feel more alone.

2. Changes in Social Interactions: Along with withdrawal from activities, teenagers may also begin to distance themselves from friends and family. They may become irritable or short-tempered, which can lead to conflicts and abandonment by peers. This social withdrawal can create a vicious cycle, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and sadness.

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3. Academic Decline: A decrease in academic performance is another common behavioral manifestation. Depressed teenagers might struggle with concentration, resulting in lower grades or missed assignments. This decline can generate feelings of inadequacy and further deepen their depressive state.

4. Sleep Disturbances: Changes in sleep patterns can serve as a significant indicator of depression. Some teenagers may experience insomnia, finding it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep, while others may oversleep as a means of escaping their emotional pain. Both conditions can contribute to fatigue, lack of motivation, and cognitive difficulties.

5. Increased Irritability or Anger: Depression does not always present as sadness; in teenagers, it may manifest as irritability or anger. Teens might exhibit uncharacteristic outbursts or become easily frustrated with themselves or others. This change can strain relationships with family and friends, making it difficult for loved ones to recognize the underlying issue.

6. Changes in Appetite or Weight: Depression can significantly impact a teenager's eating habits. Some may lose their appetite and experience weight loss, while others may turn to food for comfort, leading to weight gain. These physical changes can further affect their self-esteem and body image, which are particularly sensitive areas during adolescence.

7. Risky Behavior and Recklessness: Some depressed teens may engage in risky behaviors, such as drug or alcohol use, reckless driving, or unsafe sexual practices. These behaviors often stem from a desire to escape feelings of pain or numbness and can lead to dangerous situations or long-term consequences.

8. Self-Harm: In severe cases, some adolescents may resort to self-harm as a way to cope with emotional pain. This behavior often serves as a release or a form of self-punishment. It is critical for friends and family members to take any signs of self-harm seriously and seek professional help immediately.

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The Role of Communication

Effective communication is essential in supporting a depressed teenager. Encouraging open dialogue about feelings and experiences can create a safe space for them to express what they are going through. Active listening, without judgment or immediate solutions, can help a depressed teen feel heard and understood.

Importance of Seeking Professional Help

While understanding and support from family and peers are vital, professional help is often necessary. Mental health professionals can offer therapy and, if needed, medication to help manage depressive symptoms. Early intervention is crucial, as the longer depression goes untreated, the more difficult it can become to address.

In summary, recognizing the behavioral manifestations of depression in teenagers is essential for timely intervention and support. By understanding these signs, caregivers and peers can create a supportive environment that encourages adolescents to seek help. As we continue to discuss and address mental health in our society, it is important to foster understanding and compassion for those who are struggling. Providing the right tools and resources can significantly impact a teenager's recovery journey, helping them navigate through this challenging phase of life.

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The Best Diet for Teens with ADHD

Understanding that teenagers with ADHD often face unique challenges that can be influenced by diet and nutrition can empower parents and caregivers. Finding the best diet for teens with ADHD is an important consideration for those who want to support their overall well-being and manage their symptoms effectively.

Following a balanced and nutritious diet can give parents and caregivers a sense of control in managing ADHD symptoms in teens. Research suggests that certain dietary changes can have a positive impact on focus, behavior, and overall cognitive function. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, there are some general dietary guidelines that can benefit teenagers with ADHD.

1. Limiting Sugar and Processed Foods:
   High-sugar and processed foods can lead to fluctuations in blood sugar levels, which can affect attention and energy levels. Encouraging teens to limit their intake of sugary snacks, sodas, and processed foods can help stabilize their energy levels and reduce hyperactivity.

2. Emphasizing Protein-Rich Foods:
   Including lean proteins such as poultry, fish, eggs, and legumes in the diet can provide a steady source of energy and help maintain focus and concentration. Protein-rich foods can also support the production of neurotransmitters that play a role in mood and cognition.

3. Incorporating Omega-3 Fatty Acids:
   Omega-3 fatty acids, found in fish, walnuts, and flaxseeds, have been linked to improved cognitive function and may benefit teens with ADHD. Adding sources of omega-3 fatty acids to their diet, either through food or supplements, may help support brain health and reduce symptoms.

4. Including Fruits, Vegetables, and Whole Grains:
   A diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains provides essential vitamins, minerals, and fiber that support overall health. These foods can contribute to a steady release of energy and provide important nutrients for brain function.

5. Identifying Food Sensitivities:
   Some individuals with ADHD may have sensitivities to certain foods or food additives that can exacerbate their symptoms. Keeping track of any potential food triggers and consulting with a healthcare professional can help identify and address specific dietary concerns.

In addition to these dietary recommendations, it's important for teenagers with ADHD to stay properly hydrated and maintain a consistent eating routine. Encouraging healthy eating habits, such as eating regular meals and snacks, can help stabilize their energy levels and support their overall well-being.

Ultimately, the best diet for teens with ADHD is one that focuses on whole, nutrient-dense foods while minimizing potential triggers. Working with a healthcare professional or a registered dietitian can provide personalized guidance and ensure that any dietary changes align with the individual needs and preferences of the teenager. This collaboration can bring a sense of reassurance to parents and caregivers, knowing they are on the right track in managing ADHD symptoms and promoting the overall health and wellness of their teens.

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What are some signs that my child is using drugs and/or alcohol?

As parents, it's important for us to stay vigilant and be aware of any signs or behaviors that may indicate substance abuse. One of the first things to pay attention to is any sudden changes in your teen's physical appearance. Do they have bloodshot eyes, frequent nosebleeds, or unexplained weight loss? These can be potential signs of drug use. Additionally, look out for changes in their energy levels or persistent coughing.

When it comes to behavioral changes, it's crucial to keep an eye out for any sudden and unexplained shifts in your teen's actions. Are they isolating themselves from family and friends? Have their academic performance or interests dramatically declined? Are they frequently lying or becoming excessively secretive? These behavioral changes can be indicative of drug use, and it's important to address them lovingly yet firmly.

One of the telltale signs of drug use in teens is drastic mood swings. If your teen goes from extreme irritability or aggression to sudden episodes of euphoria or extreme relaxation, it might be a cause for concern. These mood swings can greatly impact their relationships and overall well-being, so it's essential to communicate openly and supportively with your teen during this time.

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Another red flag to watch out for is when your teen begins neglecting their responsibilities. Are they skipping school or work? Failing to complete assignments or chores? Substance abuse can lead to a significant decline in motivation and focus, causing them to lose interest in previously important tasks. Encourage open communication and offer your support to help them get back on track.

Pay attention to any significant social changes in your teen's life. Are they suddenly spending time with a new group of friends who exhibit risky behaviors? Have they withdrawn from their usual social activities or hobbies? Peer influence can play a big role in substance abuse, so it's important to monitor their social circle and have open conversations about making safe choices.

Keep an eye out for any financial issues that may arise. If you notice your teen is constantly needing money or has unexplained expenses, it could be an indication of drug use. Substance abuse can be an expensive habit, and teens may resort to stealing or lying to obtain money for drugs. Make sure to have discussions on responsible money management and set clear boundaries.

If you have prescription medications in your home, keep an eye on them. Are your teen's prescribed medications going missing? This can be a warning sign that they are experimenting with or abusing substances. Lock up your medications and have conversations about the importance of following prescribed guidelines.

It's essential to be familiar with the various drug paraphernalia that may be associated with substance abuse. Look out for things like pipes, rolling papers, syringes, or small baggies that may contain drugs. Discovering such items in your teen's possession is a clear indication of their involvement with drugs.

Another crucial aspect to monitor is the changes in your teen's friendships. If they start distancing themselves from long-time friends and only associating with individuals who are known drug users, it's a significant cause for concern.

Physical evidence can be a strong indication of drug use. Look for signs like the smell of smoke, strange odors, or the presence of drug-related items like pill bottles, powders, or drug residue. It's important to approach the situation calmly and gather evidence before confronting your teen.

Keep an eye on your teen's sleeping patterns. Are they experiencing significant changes in their sleep, such as insomnia or excessive sleepiness? Drug use can disrupt normal sleep cycles, leading to erratic sleeping patterns. If you notice any extreme changes, it's important to address it and explore the underlying causes with your teen.

As a parent, it's crucial to educate yourself about different types of drugs and their effects. By being knowledgeable, you can better understand your teen's situation and have more informed conversations. If you've noticed multiple signs and behaviors indicating drug use in your teen, it's essential to seek professional help. Reach out to substance abuse counselors, therapists, or doctors who specialize in adolescent addiction. They can provide the support and guidance needed to navigate this challenging situation and help your teen on the path to recovery.

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In conclusion, it is crucial to be aware of any signs or indicators that a child may be using drugs. There are various behaviors and physical changes that may suggest drug use, and it is important to pay attention to these signs to help prevent further harm or damage to the child's health and well-being.

Changes in a child's behavior can be a powerful indicator that something is amiss. These changes may include a sudden shift in behavior, such as becoming more secretive or withdrawn, avoiding conversations or interactions, or being unresponsive to questions or inquiries. Additionally, abrupt mood swings, increased irritability, or an uncharacteristically aggressive attitude can also be warning signs.

Physical changes can also serve as indicators of drug use. These changes may include bloodshot eyes, dilated pupils, or a sudden change in weight, either gain or loss. Additionally, the child may experience a decline in academic or work performance, which could be accompanied by a lack of focus, disinterest, or a lack of motivation.

If drug use is suspected, it is important to look for any drug paraphernalia or unusual odors in the child's room, such as small plastic bags, rolling papers, or pipes. If such items are found, it is essential to have an open and honest conversation with the child and seek professional help if necessary. Early intervention can prevent further harm and enable the child to receive the necessary support and care to overcome their addiction.

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My Child Became a Teenager Who Became a Substance Abuser

The issue of teen drug use is a complex and evolving problem that has been a major concern for many years. While some drugs, such as marijuana and alcohol, have been traditionally associated with teen drug use, there has been a significant shift in recent years towards the use of other substances, such as e-cigarettes and prescription drugs.

This changing landscape has created new challenges for parents, educators, and healthcare professionals, who must stay informed and adapt their strategies to effectively address the ever-evolving nature of teen drug use. It is crucial to understand the underlying reasons behind this shift and to develop innovative approaches that can help prevent and address the harms of drug use among teenagers.

It can be difficult for parents to recognize the signs of substance abuse in their teenagers, but early identification and intervention can greatly improve their chances of recovery.

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Some signs that your teen may be struggling with substance abuse include changes in behavior, such as mood swings, withdrawal from family and friends, decline in academic performance, loss of interest in hobbies or activities they used to enjoy, and difficulty sleeping or staying awake.

Physical signs may include bloodshot eyes, dilated or constricted pupils, weight loss or gain, poor hygiene, and tremors or shakes. If you suspect your teen may have a substance abuse problem, it's important to seek professional help and support as soon as possible.

Dealing with a teenager who is struggling with substance use can be a challenging and distressing situation for any parent. It's important to approach this situation in a compassionate, empathetic, and supportive manner.

Here are some detailed guidelines on how you can best support your teen who is going through substance use:

1. Educate yourself about substance use. Learn about the different signs and symptoms that may indicate substance use, as well as the various treatment options available. This will help you understand the challenges your teen is facing and enable you to provide appropriate support.

2. Communicate openly and frequently with your teen. Have an open and honest conversation with your teen about their substance use, without judgement or criticism. Let them know that you are there for them and that your primary concern is their well-being.

3. Encourage your teen to seek professional help. Substance use is a complex issue, and it's crucial to seek professional help. Encourage your teen to speak with a therapist, counselor, or healthcare provider who specializes in substance use. Offer to help them find a suitable professional if needed.

4. Set clear boundaries and expectations. It's essential to set clear boundaries with your teen regarding substance use. Make it clear what behavior is acceptable and what consequences they will have to face if they cross those boundaries. Follow through on the consequences if necessary.

5. Take care of yourself. Supporting a teen through substance use can be emotionally draining. Ensure that you are taking care of yourself by getting enough rest, eating well, and seeking support from friends and family. Remember, you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself.

Remember, substance use is a complex issue that requires patience, understanding, and support. By approaching the situation with empathy and compassion, you can help your teen get the support they need to overcome their struggles and lead a healthy, fulfilling life.

One helpful resource is the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). They have a national helpline that provides free and confidential information and support 24/7. You can reach them at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit their website for more information.

Another option is to seek out local support groups such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. These organizations provide support for families and friends of individuals struggling with substance use.

It's also important to talk to your healthcare provider about your concerns. They can provide guidance and connect you with additional resources in your area.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and can make a significant difference in your teen's recovery journey.

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Discouraged mom states, "I feel I am always nagging... "

"I would like some guidelines on setting up clear rules. My 15 year old son constantly yells, belittles his younger brother and basically tries to defy or argue when I ask him to anything. He certainly sets the mood for the house. I found it harder to stay in control and feel I am at wits end. He doesnt worry about his appearance and I constantly remind him of basic hygiene. He lacks motivation at school, football relationships at school always seem to be a drama. He seems to be closer to girls and does not seem to be able to form close relationships with boys. Has quit his part time job. Doesnt seem to be passionate about anything. He often tells me how he wants to leave and live with anyone but me. My husband has been ill with Leukaemia and suffers with the complications of the treatment. It has impacted our life for the past three years. Upsets me that he is so angry and not happy. I would like him be responsible for the cleanliness of his room, his appearance and speak nicely and want him to contribute to the family in a loving way. I feel I am always nagging but where is the fine line between letting him just do what he wants. I seem to feed off his anger. I just want to understand R___ and my behaviour and what I can do to help to make this situation better? Appreciate any feed back? If anything, writing helps to clarify my thoughts. kind regards ~ J."

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Hi J.,

Re: My 15 year old son constantly yells, belittles his younger brother and basically tries to defy or argue when I ask him to anything.

Please refer to the page in the eBook [online version – session #3] entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid”. Much of what you are dealing with in this email will be addressed there.

Re: He doesn’t worry about his appearance and I constantly remind him of basic hygiene ...and lack of motivation.

Your child's teenage years can be a difficult time. Teens may feel overwhelmed by the emotional and physical changes they are going through. At the same time, teens may be facing a number of pressures - from friends to fit in and from parents and other adults to do well in school, or activities like sports or part-time jobs.

The teenage years are a time of transition from childhood into adulthood. Teens often struggle with being dependent on their parents while having a strong desire to be independent. They may experiment with new values, ideas, hairstyles and clothing as they try to define who they are. Although this may be uncomfortable for parents, it is a normal part of being a teenager.

Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do. Children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents react to them. It is also important to communicate your values and to set expectations and limits, such as insisting on honesty, self-control and respect for others, while still allowing teenagers to have their own space.

Parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems, and they may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism. Although teens need feedback, they respond better when it is given positively and spoken with love.

Praising appropriate behavior can help your teen feel a sense of accomplishment and reinforce your family's values.

Teens, especially those with low self-esteem or with family problems, are at risk for a number of self-destructive behaviors such as using drugs or alcohol or having unprotected sex. Depression and eating disorders are also important issues for teens.

The following may be warning signs that your child is having a problem:

· Agitated or restless behavior
· Drop in grades
· Fatigue, loss of energy and lack of interest in activities
· Lack of motivation
· Low self-esteem
· Not caring about people and things
· Ongoing feelings of sadness
· Poor hygiene
· Trouble concentrating
· Trouble falling asleep
· Weight loss or weight gain

If you suspect there is a problem, ask your teen about what is bothering him or her. And then listen.

Don't ignore a problem in the hopes that it will go away. It is easier to cope with problems when they are small. This also gives you and your teen the opportunity to learn how to work through problems together.

Again, please refer to Session #3. I think that session really applies here.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Parents have a severely out-of-control 16 year old daughter...

QUESTION:

Hi I'm Yvonne and I have an out of control 16 year old daughter. For the past year and a half we have been having issues on a weekly bases with our daughter. I will fill you in quickly on some of the things that we have been dealing with over this time.

She was wagging school, suspended on 3 occasions for smoking in school uniform, got suspended for drinking at school, left home for 5 days and wouldn't let us know where she was. Started casual at McDonalds in Jan. this year but 1 mo. later decided that she didn't want to got to school anymore so left to work at McDonalds full time but got on average 15 - 25 hours a week and spent the rest of the time hanging out with her friends why we were at work. Then in March got fired for stealing money out of the register (for a friend). Had people over when we weren't here and they did a burnout in our carport and did about $1,000 damage to the new concrete that we installed not long ago got. Has told me that she is smoking weed on weekends when she is with her friends. We have on many occasions had money go missing from our wallet and have to keep them in our room and I take mine to the shower in the morning just in case she comes into our room. We feel that we can't leave anything lying around the house and I feel sick having to live like this in our own home.

What we have done.

I wake her in the morning and she has to be out of the house at 7.30 when I leave for work as I have told her that she can't be trusted after everything that has happened to be left in the home that she has no respect for.

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We use to pay her for doing chores around the house but have stopped this lately as she needs to get out their and find a job and the chores that she does do (not often) is payment for the food, and bed that she has within the home.

We have 2 international students with us at the moment and one had $100 go missing out of his bag and of course we know who took it but she always says that she hasn't. This is the last straw as we have once again had to cover money that she has taken from other people and it would add up to around the $700 or more over the last 2 years.

We love our daughter but don't like the things or the people that she is involved with at the moment and have tried everything we can think of going as far as calling the police who came and had a talk to her.

I know why she does a lot of things she does and that is she is a large girl for her age and feels that no one likes her so she does anything and everything to get attention whether it be good or bad and this is something that we noticed from the age of about 9 years. She has an older sister 21 and a younger brother 13. She gets on well with her brother, just the usual kid fights. Her elder sister and her had a good relationship up until the age of about 12 when the age gap between them started to show and her elder sister didn't want her around any more, and has not been a close relationship since. Her elder sister has just moved to the UK for up to 5 years so is no longer at home.

This is just touching the surface but hope that you can give us some advice. At the moment my husband and I are ready to pack her bags and send her out into the big wide world to fend for her self as we had enough.

Can't wait to hear from you,

Desperate Parents Yvonne and Phil

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ANSWER:

Hi Yvonne and Phil,

Re: smoking pot and drinking…

Please forward this part of the email to your daughter. I would like for her to read the following:

Hi,

I am sorry that you feel so lonely and overwhelmed. I can sense the sadness in you and I am here to tell you that you can feel a lot better about yourself and your life. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I have worked with many kids your age who got their lives back under control and who became the people they wanted to be. They all were unsure whether they could handle turning their lives around but with their own courage and some support from caring family, friends and talented professionals, they did it.

You and I both know that weed can be very psychologically addicting. If you are lonely, getting a little high or quite stoned can temporarily make you feel better -- but as you know, when the high wears off, reality hits you in the face again. You must let your folks know how you have been feeling and tell them about your use of weed. They must assume some responsibility for their part in this and be the parents that you need them to be. I know that talking to them about this scares you and I don't know what their response will be.

You MUST trust some adult to help you. You cannot do this on your own and it's not because you're a weak or bad kid, it's because right now you are too overwhelmed with sadness and despair. Confide in an adult, school counselor or clergy member whom you trust. Let them take some of the burden. They will be honored that you have chosen them to trust. It's the first big step that you have to take. You need a support system and the knowledge that grownups will stand by you as you show how much courage and determination you have.

You were not meant to fail school, to have no true friends, to dull yourself with weed. You were meant to know happiness and joy. There are many people out there, just waiting for a friend like you - people who don't need you to do drugs with them to be your friend. Let someone into your life who will help guide you and support you as you come back to life, to be the girl you were truly meant to be.

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Re: running away…

The following is a brief list of suggestions that can help reduce the risk of a runaway. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions than may help. If the risk is high, and your relationship is extremely poor, including the level of trust, then these suggestions may not help.

· If you get overwhelmed or upset, tell your child "I'm overwhelmed and a little upset. I need a break and a chance to calm down and think about this." Then tell them you want a 20 minute (or so) break and then you will talk to them again. Be sure to take a break.

· Never call you teenager names or label them with words like liar, a thief, a brat, a punk, childish, immature, untrustworthy, selfish, cruel, unkind, stupid, etc... These words will not help. Your child will only begin to think of you in negative terms and may even start calling you worse names.

· Never dare your child to run away because you think they may not.

· Never explain yourself or argue if your child expects you to justify the fact that you do not agree.

· Never interrupt your teenager when they are talking or trying to explain something - even if you disagree. Waite until they are done.

· Never raise your voice or yell - especially when your teenager is raising their voice or yelling.

· Never use sarcasm or a negative attitude that demonstrates that you do not respect your teenager.

· Remember you can also agree with your child, but you don't have to let them do whatever they want. For instance, you might agree that their is be no significant difference between some teenagers who are 17 years old and some people who are 21 years old, but that does not mean you will allow teenagers to consume alcohol at a party at your house.

· Remind yourself that simply listening and telling your child that you understand does not mean you will agree when they are finished, nor does it mean you will do what they seem to want.

· Stay calm and quiet, make eye contact, and don't respond if your child is angry, shouting or in a rage. Wait until they are calm.

· Talk less and use fewer words than your teenagers.

· Tell you teenager that you understand what they are saying. Say "I understand." And if you don't understand, say "I'm not sure I understand, ...tell me again."

· When two parents are speaking with a teenagers, it is important to take turns, but be careful to let your teenagers speak as much as BOTH parents speak. Both parents should talk equally and use less words than their child.

· When you don't agree and you are certain that you understand your teenager's point of view (and your teenager believes you understand) tell your teenager. "I think I understand, but I don't agree with you. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

· When your teenager stops talking, ask "Is there anything else you want to tell me."

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Re: theft…

When teens steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with strict consequences. For example, when a teen is caught shoplifting, the parent can take the child back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened. If the teen steals from parents or other family members, the police should be called and theft charges should be filed. The teen's embarrassment at facing up to what she did makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Re: hanging with the wrong crowd…

Don't expect to like all your teen's friends. After all, do you like all your friends' children?

Accept teens 'try out' friends in the same way that they 'try out' fashions, lifestyles and even values in their search for a new adult identity. Avoid over-reacting and take comfort from the fact that many teen friendships are transitory!

Get to know your teen's friends... don't exclude them. You can't hold an opinion about somebody you don't know, as your teenager will be only too quick to tell you. Encourage your teen to hang out with friends at home. Get to know them and understand what your teen sees in them. It's easier to keep an eye on potential troublemakers when they're under your own roof.

Don't sweat the small stuff... base decisions on facts, not emotions. Try to keep feelings out of the picture and avoid unsubstantiated judgments. It will only annoy your teen and send her off complaining to her friends. Look past superficial images to the people they really are. You may find that you like them. Accept experimentation when things don't really matter; hair color and body-piercings are easily reversible. Be firm on rules that are important to you, like courtesy and consideration in the home.

Avoid criticism and keep communication open. Your teenager views criticism as an attack on his own judgment and may resort to secrecy to keep you off his back. Try to initiate positive discussion about your child's general social life and interests. This can also be a good time to subtly encourage other social opportunities such as part-time work or extracurricular activities.

Above all, make sure your teen understands that you are always available to talk about concerns and provide non-judgmental advice. It's the best way to keep track of small problems before they turn into major issues. If facts truly point to a potentially harmful situation, seek expert advice on an appropriate course of action.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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When Your Teenager's "Best Friend" is a Negative Influence

"I am reading and reading your eBook, and I like it so far - makes a lot of sense - but the biggest problem for me with my teens especially the 16 year old girl is who her friends are. She has one best friend, and doesn't seem to hang around or call too many others - only one or two on the phone. But this girl is NOT one that is a positive influence in my daughter's life. While she is basically a sweet girl, she has had problems with drugs (in rehab type program) smokes (and now so does my daughter) has run away from home over night she is depressed and says she takes meds for her mood swings as well, and her parents that aren't as stable as would be preferred - and most sad is often accused by other kids of her "cheating" with my daughter's boyfriend, which kills my daughter but she always ends up believing her or at least saying so.

My daughter is often depressed and she says things like "I can't take any more" and she says I will kill myself when I tell her I think the other girl is a bad influence. She says she doesn't mean it but it scared me so now she sees a therapist. She had a different friend of exactly the same type but she "left" her for this girl. While she was friends with the other one, she "tried" drinking wine coolers and experimented a lot with sex. I have let her continue to hang out with her supervised at my house - but - I let her go to the movies with her the other night - telling her I decided to trust her - and specifically asked her to "do the right thing" - and stated that meant she was not to leave the movie theatre for any reason and I specifically said don't leave the building to go and smoke. She came home - I asked to smell her breath - and sure enough she smoked outside in front of the theatre - or so she says.

I can't figure out whether I am to allow her to hang out with this girl - I want her so badly to be friends with people who are on the HAPPIER side of life. I understand teenage angst, but these girls are really dark and down. How do I find advice about this? I am so desperate about this."

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The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teens who feel isolated or rejected by their peers — or in their family — are more likely to engage in risky behaviors in order to fit in with a group. In such situations, peer pressure can impair good judgment and fuel risk-taking behavior, drawing a teen away from the family and positive influences and luring into dangerous activities.

For example, teens with ADHD, ODD, learning differences or disabilities, depression, etc., are often rejected due to their behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers. Some experts believe that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when what they are seeking is acceptance, approval, and love.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

A powerful negative peer influence can motivate a teen to make choices and engage in behavior that his or her values might otherwise reject. Some teens will risk being grounded, losing their parents' trust, or even facing jail time, just to try and fit in or feel like they have a group of friends they can identify with and who accept them. Sometimes, teens will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.

Some teens harbor secret lives governed by the influence of their peers. Some — including those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teens — engage in negative, even dangerous behavior when with their peers. Once influenced, teens may continue the slide into problems with the law, substance abuse, school problems, authority defiance, gang involvement, etc. If your daughter associates with peers who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then she is probably doing the same.

It is important to encourage friendships among teens. We all want our children to be with peers who will have a positive influence, and stay away from those who will encourage or engage in harmful, destructive, immoral, or illegal activities. Parents can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.

Specifically, parents can show support by:

Be genuinely interested in your teen's activities. This allows parents to know their teen's friends and to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teens out of trouble. When misbehavior does occur, parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Parents who, together with their teens, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their teens' abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
Encourage independent thought and expression. In this way, teens can develop a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.
Have a positive relationship with your teen. When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen's self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.

You may not be comfortable about your daughter's choice of friends or peer group. This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some suggestions:

Check whether your concerns about your daughter's friends are real and important.
Do not attack your her friends. Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
Get to know the friends of your teen. Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.
Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).
If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your daughter about her behavior and choices -- not the friends.
Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your daughter.
Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.
Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your daughter faces, she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents