Comprehensive Discipline Strategies for Teens with ADHD and ODD

Disciplining a teenager can be an arduous journey for any parent, but when that teen is also navigating the complexities of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), the challenge can feel overwhelming. Both disorders present unique symptoms that affect a teenager’s behavior, making traditional discipline methods potentially ineffective. This article offers a deeper dive into effective, compassionate strategies that parents can adopt to foster a nurturing environment while guiding their teens toward improved behavior.

#### Understanding ADHD and ODD

Before discussing specific discipline strategies, it’s vital to familiarize yourself with the characteristics of ADHD and ODD:

- **ADHD**: This neurodevelopmental disorder encompasses a range of symptoms, including persistent inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. Teens with ADHD may struggle to focus on tasks, find it challenging to remain seated in situations that require calm behavior, and often act without considering the consequences of their actions. This can manifest as fidgeting, interrupting others, or difficulty completing homework, leading to problems in academic and social settings.

- **ODD**: Characterized by a recurrent pattern of defiant and disobedient behavior, ODD often involves frequent outbursts of anger, irritability, and a tendency to argue with authority figures. Teens may refuse to follow rules, intentionally annoy others, and hold grudges. Such behavior can alienate them from peers and adults, complicating relationships and disciplinary responses.

### Effective Discipline Strategies

1. **Establish Clear Rules and Consequences**

   - **Clarity and Consistency**: Lay out a set of clear, straightforward rules that your teen can easily understand. Use positive language; for example, instead of stating "Don't talk back," frame it as "Please speak respectfully when we discuss issues."

   - **Collaborative Effort**: Involve your teenager in the process of creating rules. This not only gives them agency but helps foster a sense of partnership in following those rules. For instance, during a calm moment, discuss potential rules and consequences together, ensuring they feel their opinions are valued.

   - **Visual Reminders**: To reinforce the rules, create a colorful, visual poster that lists them clearly and place it in a common area of the house. Visual reminders can help your teen recall expectations during moments of challenge.

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2. **Use Positive Reinforcement**

   - **Recognizing Achievements**: It’s crucial to actively recognize and applaud positive behavior. Celebrate small victories, such as completing homework on time or helping out with chores without being asked. This acknowledgment can motivate them to continue those behaviors.

   - **Structured Reward Systems**: Implement a structured reward system that allows your teen to earn privileges or special rewards, like screen time or a favorite activity, for demonstrating good behavior. For example, maintain a chart where they can earn points for every day they follow rules, which can culminate in a reward they find exciting.

3. **Maintain Open Lines of Communication**

   - **Practice Active Listening**: Foster an environment where your teen feels heard. Engage in active listening by giving them your full attention when they speak, reflecting back what you hear, and validating their feelings. This builds trust and demonstrates that you value their perspective.

   - **Empathetic Responses**: When your teen expresses frustration or defiance, respond with empathy to show that you understand their feelings. For example, you might say, "I can see that you’re upset about not being able to hang out with friends. Let’s talk about what we can do instead."

4. **Be a Role Model**

   - **Exhibiting Self-Control**: Demonstrate effective emotional regulation by handling your frustrations calmly. If disagreements arise, showcase constructive conflict resolution by discussing the issue without raising your voice, helping your teen recognize healthy communication patterns.

   - **Showcasing Coping Strategies**: Teach practical coping strategies by modeling them yourself. When facing stressful situations, demonstrate techniques such as taking deep breaths or counting to ten before reacting. Share these methods with your teen so they can use them in times of need.

5. **Focus on Problem-Solving**

   - **Engagement in Collaborative Problem Solving**: When behavioral issues arise, engage your teen in collaborative discussions to seek solutions instead of resorting to punitive measures. Ask guiding questions such as, "What happened when you decided to skip your chores?" and, "How do you think we can avoid that in the future?"

   - **Coping Skills Development**: Equip your teen with effective social and emotional skills to help them manage their behavior. Teach them relaxation techniques, conflict resolution strategies, and how to express their emotions appropriately.

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6. **Implement Time-Outs Appropriately**

   - **Creating a Calming Space**: Designate a specific area in your home as a calming space where your teen can go when they feel overwhelmed. This space should be free of distractions and equipped with comforting items, such as books, art supplies, or stress-relief tools.

   - **Time-Out Duration**: Ensure time-outs are brief—around five to ten minutes—and used primarily to cool off rather than as punishment. Emphasize that the purpose is for them to regroup and reflect on their behavior rather than being isolated.

7. **Provide Structure and Routine**

   - **Daily Routines**: Establish predictable daily routines that enhance stability in your teen’s life. Create a visual schedule, including time slots for homework, chores, meals, and leisure activities. A consistent structure can significantly reduce anxiety and uncertainty.

   - **Breaking Tasks into Steps**: Help your teen manage overwhelming tasks by breaking them into smaller, manageable steps. For example, guide them through completing a school project by setting aside dedicated time for brainstorming, research, outlining, and drafting.

8. **Involve Professionals if Necessary**

   - **Therapeutic Support**: Seek a qualified mental health professional specializing in ADHD and ODD for therapeutic support. A therapist can work with your teen to develop tailored coping strategies, improve communication skills, and build self-esteem.

   - **Collaborate with Educational Professionals**: Work with educators to implement an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or a Section 504 Plan, ensuring your teen receives necessary academic accommodations that cater to their unique learning needs.

9. **Practice Patience and Flexibility**

   - **Understanding Behavioral Fluctuations**: Recognize that behavior may vary due to hormonal changes, environmental stressors, or situational pressures. Practice patience and refrain from reacting impulsively. When tensions are high, consider discussing rules or consequences later, when both you and your teen are calmer.

   - **Adaptability in Discipline**: Be open to adjusting your disciplinary approaches. If a particular strategy isn’t yielding the desired results, remain flexible and willing to explore new methods that may better suit your teen’s evolving needs.

Disciplining a teenager with ADHD and ODD necessitates a thoughtful, patient, and understanding approach centered around empathy, clear communication, and the consistent application of strategies tailored to their needs. By forming a foundation of established rules, emphasizing positive behaviors, maintaining open dialogue, and providing a structured environment, parents can guide their teens toward healthier decision-making and emotional regulation. Ultimately, the goal of discipline transcends mere correction; it aims to nurture your teen’s growth and development, providing them with the essential skills to thrive in life’s challenges.

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Is your teenager suffering with ODD? Take this quiz to find out:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder Quiz: Is your teenager suffering with ODD?

This quiz is designed to help parents understand some behaviors that may be indicative of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Answering "yes" or "no" to the following questions may provide insight, but please consult a mental health professional for a thorough evaluation:

1. **Does your teenager frequently argue with adults?**
   - Yes
   - No

2. **Do they often lose their temper?**
   - Yes
   - No

3. **Do they actively refuse to comply with requests or rules?**
   - Yes
   - No

4. **Have they been noticeably angry or resentful toward others?**
   - Yes
   - No

5. **Do they often blame others for their mistakes or misbehavior?**
   - Yes
   - No

6. **Do they frequently irritate or annoy people intentionally?**
   - Yes
   - No

7. **Are they often spiteful or vindictive?**
   - Yes
   - No

8. **Do they struggle to maintain friendships or have conflicts with peers?**
   - Yes
   - No

9. **Do they have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions?**
   - Yes
   - No

10. **Is their behavior disruptive at school or in other settings?**
    - Yes
    - No

**Scoring:**
- Count the number of "yes" answers.
- 0-2 "yes" answers: Your teenager may not show signs of ODD.
- 3-5 "yes" answers: There may be some concerning behaviors that could be worth discussing further.
- 6 or more "yes" answers: It may be beneficial to consult a mental health professional for a comprehensive assessment.

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Remember, this quiz is not a diagnostic tool. If you have concerns about your teenager's behavior, seeking professional guidance is important.

Here are a few parenting strategies to assist you:

1. **Set Clear Expectations**: Clearly outline rules and expectations for behavior. Involving teens in this process can help them feel more invested and reduce oppositional behavior.

2. **Natural Consequences**: Allow teens to face the natural consequences of their actions when safe to do so. This encourages responsibility and helps them learn from their mistakes.

3. **Consistent Consequences**: Establish consistent and fair consequences for rule-breaking. Consistency helps teens understand the repercussions of their behavior.

4. **Positive Reinforcement**: Focus on rewarding positive behavior rather than just punishing negative behavior. Praise and rewards for good choices can motivate teens to behave appropriately.

5. **Limit Choices**: Provide structured options to help minimize conflict. For example, offer two acceptable choices instead of open-ended options. This gives the teen a sense of control while still adhering to boundaries.

6. **Use Time-Outs**: Implement time-outs or cool-down periods to help them calm down and reflect on their behavior. This can be effective for both parents and teens to take a breather.

7. **Involve Them in Problem-Solving**: Engage teens in discussions about their behavior and potential solutions. This empowers them to take responsibility and encourages open communication.

8. **Model Appropriate Behavior**: Demonstrate effective ways to handle frustration and conflicts. Teenagers often learn by example, so modeling desired behavior is key.

9. **Family Meetings**: Hold regular family meetings to discuss issues, establish rules, and resolve conflicts. This creates a supportive environment where everyone can voice their concerns.

10. **Seek Professional Help When Needed**: If behaviors become too challenging to manage at home, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who specializes in adolescent behavior.

While these methods can be helpful, it's essential to remain patient and understanding. Building a trusting relationship through open communication often leads to better outcomes.

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Parenting Strategies: Dealing with "Teen Violence" Directed At Parents

Parenting a teenager can be a challenging and tumultuous experience, especially when a teenager becomes violent toward their parents. It's important for parents to understand that teen violence is a serious issue that requires careful and thoughtful handling. 

 

Here are some parenting strategies for dealing with teen violence toward parents:

1. Stay Calm and Seek Safety: When faced with a violent outburst, it's crucial for parents to remain as calm as possible and prioritize their own safety. If the situation escalates, it's important to remove oneself from harm's way and seek help from authorities or trusted individuals.

2. Open Communication: Create an environment where open and honest communication is encouraged. Teens should feel comfortable expressing their emotions and concerns without fear of judgment. This can help prevent feelings of anger and frustration from boiling over into violence.

3. Set Clear Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries and rules within the household is essential for maintaining a healthy and respectful environment. Clearly communicate the consequences of violent behavior and enforce them consistently.

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4. Seek Professional Help: If a teenager's violent behavior persists, it's important to seek professional help from therapists, counselors, or support groups. These professionals can help both the teenager and the parents understand and address the underlying issues contributing to the violent behavior.

5. Teach Coping Skills: Help teenagers develop healthy coping mechanisms for managing stress, anger, and other strong emotions. Encourage activities such as exercise, journaling, or mindfulness practices to help them channel their emotions in a positive way.

6. Model Respectful Behavior: Parents should model respectful and non-violent behavior in their interactions with their teenagers. Showing respect and empathy can help foster a positive and nurturing relationship.

7. Encourage Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise positive behavior and achievements. Positive reinforcement can help teenagers feel validated and appreciated, potentially reducing the likelihood of violent outbursts.

Some teens who are violent may have oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). ODD is a behavioral disorder characterized by a pattern of hostile, disobedient, and defiant behavior towards authority figures. It is important for parents to understand that dealing with a child who has ODD requires patience, empathy, and consistent support.

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First and foremost, it is crucial for parents to educate themselves about ODD. Understanding the nature of the disorder, its symptoms, and its impact on the teenager's behavior can help parents respond to their child more effectively. Seeking professional guidance from mental health professionals or support groups can also provide valuable insights and strategies for managing ODD.

Communication is key when parenting a teenager with ODD. Open and honest communication can help build trust and understanding between parents and their child. It is important to actively listen to the teenager's concerns and frustrations, and to validate their emotions. Setting aside regular time for family meetings or one-on-one discussions can provide a platform for the teenager to express themselves in a safe and supportive environment.

Consistency and structure are essential in managing ODD behaviors. Establishing clear and reasonable rules, boundaries, and consequences can help provide a sense of stability and predictability for the teenager. It is important for parents to remain consistent in enforcing these rules while also offering positive reinforcement for good behavior. This can help the teenager understand the expectations and consequences of their actions.

Furthermore, it is important for parents to model and teach healthy coping skills and problem-solving strategies to their teenager. Encouraging the teenager to engage in activities that promote self-regulation, such as mindfulness, exercise, or creative outlets, can help them manage their emotions and impulses in a constructive manner. Teaching conflict resolution and negotiation skills can also empower the teenager to navigate challenging situations more effectively.

In summary, dealing with teen violence toward parents requires a multifaceted approach that prioritizes safety, open communication, and professional guidance. By implementing these parenting strategies, parents can work towards fostering a healthy and respectful relationship with their teenagers, while addressing and mitigating violent behavior.

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Managing Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Help for Distraught Parents

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a behavioral disorder characterized by a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures. It is a common disorder among children and adolescents, and it can cause significant distress and dysfunction in the affected individuals and their families.

The Power of Positive Reinforcement—

Managing ODD can be a challenging task for parents, teachers, and healthcare professionals. While there are many different approaches to managing ODD, positive reinforcement has emerged as a powerful tool for promoting positive behavior and reducing negative behavior in children and adolescents with ODD.

Positive reinforcement is a behavioral technique that involves rewarding desired behavior. The reward can be anything that the child or adolescent finds reinforcing, such as praise, attention, privileges, or tangible rewards. The goal of positive reinforcement is to increase the frequency and intensity of desired behavior and reduce the frequency and intensity of undesired behavior.

The use of positive reinforcement in managing ODD has been supported by research. Studies have shown that positive reinforcement can be an effective tool for promoting positive behavior and reducing negative behavior in children and adolescents with ODD.

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One key to using positive reinforcement effectively is to be specific and consistent in identifying and rewarding desired behavior. For example, instead of simply praising a child for being good, it is more effective to praise the child for specific behaviors, such as following directions, sharing with others, or using kind words. This helps the child to understand exactly what behaviors are being rewarded and encourages them to repeat those behaviors in the future.

Another important factor is to make sure that the rewards are meaningful and appropriate for the child's age and interests. Rewards should be something that the child finds motivating and enjoyable, such as extra screen time, a special treat, or a fun activity.

It is also important to be consistent in the use of positive reinforcement. Rewards should be given consistently and immediately after the desired behavior occurs, as this helps the child to make the connection between the behavior and the reward. Inconsistent use of rewards can lead to confusion and frustration, and can actually reinforce negative behavior instead of positive behavior.

Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool for managing ODD in children and adolescents. By rewarding desired behavior and consistently reinforcing positive behavior, parents, teachers, and healthcare professionals can promote positive behavior and reduce negative behavior in children and adolescents with ODD.

From Chaos to Calm: Strategies for Parents of Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder—

If you are a parent of a child with ODD, you may feel helpless and overwhelmed at times. However, there are strategies you can use to help manage your child's behavior.

1. Establish Clear Boundaries: Children with ODD often test boundaries and challenge authority. It is essential to establish clear, firm boundaries and consequences for breaking them. Be consistent with your expectations and follow through with consequences.

2. Use Positive Reinforcement: Children with ODD respond well to positive reinforcement. Praise and reward good behavior, no matter how small the accomplishment. This will encourage your child to repeat the positive behavior.

3. Practice Effective Communication: Communication is vital in managing behavior. Use active listening skills, speak calmly, and be clear and concise. Repeat your expectations to ensure your child understands what is expected of them.

4. Seek Professional Help: ODD can be a challenging disorder to manage alone. Seek the help of a mental health professional who can provide you with additional strategies and support.

5. Take Care of Yourself: Raising a child with ODD can be stressful and emotionally draining. Take care of your mental and physical health by engaging in self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, and spending time with friends and family.

Remember, managing ODD is a process, and it takes time and effort to see results. With patience, consistency, and the right strategies, you can help your child manage their behavior and live a happy, healthy life.

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The Role of Mindfulness in Reducing Symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder—

While traditional treatments for ODD often involve medication and behavioral therapy, there is growing evidence to suggest that mindfulness-based interventions may also be effective in reducing symptoms of ODD. Mindfulness is a mental state characterized by non-judgmental awareness of the present moment. It involves paying attention to one's thoughts, feelings, and sensations without becoming attached to them or reacting impulsively.

Research has shown that mindfulness-based interventions can help children and adolescents with ODD develop skills in emotional regulation, impulse control, and empathic understanding. These skills can help them better manage their behavior and improve their relationships with others.

One study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that a mindfulness-based intervention was effective in reducing symptoms of ODD in children. The intervention involved teaching children mindfulness and relaxation techniques, as well as social-emotional skills training. The children who received the intervention showed significant improvements in their behavior, compared to a control group that did not receive the intervention.

Another study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found that a mindfulness-based intervention was effective in reducing symptoms of ODD in adolescents. The intervention involved teaching adolescents mindfulness and emotion regulation skills, as well as cognitive-behavioral therapy. The adolescents who received the intervention showed significant improvements in their behavior, compared to a control group that received only supportive therapy.

Overall, the evidence suggests that mindfulness-based interventions may be a promising approach for reducing symptoms of ODD in children and adolescents. By teaching children and adolescents mindfulness skills, they can learn to regulate their emotions, manage their behavior, and improve their relationships with others.

Understanding the Link Between Trauma and Oppositional Defiant Disorder—

Research has shown that there is a link between trauma and ODD. Trauma can have a significant impact on a child's behavior, and can increase the likelihood of developing ODD. Trauma can take many forms, including physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, neglect, or exposure to violence. Children who have experienced trauma may develop a range of symptoms that can contribute to the development of ODD. These can include hyperarousal, hypervigilance, difficulty sleeping, and flashbacks.

Children who have experienced trauma may also have difficulty forming healthy attachments to caregivers, which can contribute to their oppositional behavior. Treatment for ODD typically involves a combination of therapy, medication, and family support. Therapy can help children develop coping skills and learn to regulate their emotions.

Medication may be prescribed to help manage symptoms of anxiety or depression. Family support is also important, as parents and caregivers can learn strategies for managing their child's behavior and providing a supportive environment. 

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The Importance of Early Intervention for Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder—

Early intervention is crucial for children with ODD. The earlier a child receives intervention, the better the outcome is likely to be. Intervention can take many forms, including therapy, counseling, and behavior management techniques. The goal of early intervention is to teach children with ODD how to manage their behavior and emotions effectively, as well as to improve their social skills and relationships with others.

One of the most effective approaches to early intervention for children with ODD is parent training. This involves teaching parents specific strategies and techniques to help manage their child's behavior and encourage positive interactions. Parent training can be done through individual or group sessions and is often based on cognitive-behavioral therapy principles.

Another important aspect of early intervention for children with ODD is school-based interventions. Teachers and school counselors can work with children to improve their behavior and social skills, as well as to provide support for academic challenges. This may include individualized education plans (IEPs) or behavior intervention plans (BIPs) that are tailored to the child's specific needs.

In addition to parent training and school-based interventions, there are also various therapies and treatments that can help children with ODD. These may include cognitive-behavioral therapy, play therapy, and medication in some cases. It is important for parents to work closely with their child's healthcare provider to determine the best course of treatment for their child.

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Coping with the Struggles of Parenting a Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

 Living with a defiant child can be a challenging and complex experience, with daily life feeling like a never-ending struggle. What may start as minor issues can quickly escalate into major conflicts, causing significant stress and emotional turmoil for the entire family. 

Parents can often feel overwhelmed and uncertain about how to handle the situation, leading to feelings of helplessness and frustration. The key is to understand the underlying causes of their defiance and use techniques that are tailored to their individual needs.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations is an important first step in managing defiant behavior. Children need to understand what is expected of them, and having clear rules in place can help reduce the likelihood of negative behavior. Using positive reinforcement, such as praising and rewarding good behavior, can also be an effective tool in encouraging positive habits.

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Offering choices within reasonable limits can help children feel more in control and reduce the likelihood of defiance. It's also crucial to be consistent in implementing consequences for negative behavior to help children understand that there are consequences for their actions. Time-outs can be a useful consequence for negative behavior, allowing the child time to calm down and reflect on their actions.

Modeling good behavior is essential for parents dealing with defiant children. Children often mimic the behavior of adults around them, so it's important to model positive behavior and remain calm and composed in the face of challenging behavior.

It's important to take a holistic approach when addressing the issues that come with raising a defiant child. This may involve recognizing and addressing any mental health concerns that may be contributing to the behavior, or seeking out additional resources such as family therapy, parenting classes or support groups. Additionally, setting realistic expectations and boundaries can help parents manage their child's behavior in a way that is both firm and compassionate.

It's important to remember that not all children respond to the same strategies, and what works for one child may not work for another. Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can be a valuable resource for families dealing with challenging behavior. With patience, consistency, and the right support, parents can manage their child's defiant behavior and create a more peaceful and harmonious home environment.

Summary points:

1. Set clear boundaries and expectations: Establishing clear rules and expectations with your child can help them understand what is expected of them and reduce the likelihood of defiance.
2. Use positive reinforcement: Praising and rewarding good behavior reinforces positive habits and can motivate your child to continue behaving well.
3. Offer choices: Giving your child choices within reasonable limits can help them feel more in control and reduce the likelihood of defiance. 
4. Use consistent consequences: Consistency is key to managing defiant behavior. Be firm and consistent in implementing consequences for negative behavior. 
5. Model good behavior: Children often mimic the behavior of adults around them, so modeling positive behavior can encourage them to do the same. 
6. Use time-outs: Time-outs can be an effective consequence for negative behavior, allowing the child to calm down and reflect on their actions. 
7. Seek professional help: If your child's behavior is causing significant distress or is not improving despite your efforts, seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can be a valuable resource.

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When Your Oppositional Teen Seems to Get a "Pay-off" for Arguing with You

When your teenager wants to argue with you as a parent, it's important to approach the situation with patience and understanding. Teenagers are at a stage in their lives where they are trying to assert their independence and challenge authority, and it's natural for them to want to argue with their parents. However, as a parent, it's crucial that you handle these situations with care to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship with your teen.

Firstly, it's important to listen to your teen's perspective and validate their feelings. This doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything they say, but it does mean that you need to show empathy and respect for their point of view. Try to understand where they are coming from and acknowledge their concerns. This can go a long way in building trust and rapport with your teen.

Validating your teenager's feelings is an important aspect of building trust and strengthening your relationship with them. It involves acknowledging and accepting their emotions without judgement, and showing empathy and understanding towards their perspective. It can be as simple as saying things like "I can see that you're upset" or "That must have been really hard for you". By validating their feelings, you create a safe space for them to express themselves and feel heard, which can lead to better communication and a stronger bond between you and your teenager.

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Secondly, encourage open communication and problem-solving. Instead of shutting down their arguments or dismissing their concerns, try to engage in a constructive dialogue. By doing so, you can help your teen develop critical thinking skills and learn how to express themselves in a respectful and effective manner. Helping your teenager develop critical thinking skills is an important aspect of their overall growth and development.

Here are some ways you can assist your teenager in developing these skills:

• Encourage questions: Encourage your teenager to ask questions about the things they see and hear. Teach them to think critically about the information they receive and to ask themselves if it makes sense.
• Teach problem-solving: Encourage your teenager to think through problems and find solutions. Guide them through the process of analyzing the problem, considering different solutions, and selecting the best course of action.
• Discuss different perspectives: Encourage your teenager to consider different perspectives on a topic. Teach them to listen to others' opinions and to think critically about their own beliefs.
• Encourage research: Encourage your teenager to research topics they are interested in. Teach them to evaluate the credibility of sources and to think critically about the information they find.
• Model critical thinking: Be a role model for your teenager by demonstrating critical thinking skills in your own life. Encourage discussions with your teenager that demonstrate your own thought processes when considering different options to solve problems.
• By teaching your teenager critical thinking skills, you are helping them to become independent, rational, and thoughtful individuals who can make informed decisions and evaluate information effectively.

Thirdly, set clear boundaries and expectations. While it's important to be understanding and accommodating, it's also important to set limits and communicate your expectations in a respectful but firm manner. This can help your teen understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior, which can be helpful in avoiding future arguments.

Setting boundaries with rebellious teenagers can be a challenge, but it is an important part of helping them learn responsibility and accountability. 

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Here are some tips for setting boundaries with your rebellious teen:

• 
  Be clear and consistent: Clearly communicate your expectations and the consequences for breaking boundaries. Consistency is key - if you set a boundary, make sure you enforce it every time.
• Listen to their perspective: Your teenager may have reasons for their behavior that you haven't considered. Listen to their perspective and try to understand their point of view.
• Be firm but gentle: It is important to be firm in setting boundaries, but also gentle in your approach. Avoid yelling or threatening, and instead, calmly explain why the boundary is important and what the consequences will be for breaking it.
• Offer choices within limits: Giving your teenager choices within limits can help them feel more in control and invested in the process. For example, you might give them a choice between doing their chores before or after dinner, but not whether or not to do them at all.
• Follow through: If your teenager breaks a boundary, follow through with the consequences you have established. This will help them learn accountability and responsibility for their actions.
• Remember that setting boundaries is not about controlling your teenager, but rather about helping them learn how to navigate the world responsibly and make healthy choices. By setting clear and consistent boundaries, you can help your rebellious teenager develop into a responsible and respectful adult.

Fourthly, be willing to compromise and find common ground. While you need to set boundaries and expectations, you also need to be willing to be flexible and find solutions that work for both you and your teen. This can help build trust and respect between you and your teen, and can ultimately lead to a stronger and healthier relationship. Compromising with your teenager can be a great way to help them feel heard and respected, while also maintaining important boundaries. 

Here are some tips for compromising with your teenager:

• Be open to their ideas: When your teenager approaches you with a request or suggestion, listen with an open mind. Even if you don't agree with their idea, acknowledging their perspective can go a long way towards building trust and respect.
• Identify common ground: Look for areas where you and your teenager can agree. For example, if your teenager wants to stay out later with friends, you might both agree that it is important for them to be safe and responsible.
• Brainstorm solutions: Once you have identified common ground, work together to brainstorm solutions that meet both of your needs. This might involve setting specific boundaries or compromises that allow your teenager more freedom while still maintaining your expectations.
• Be flexible: Remember that compromise involves some give and take. Be willing to adjust your expectations or boundaries in order to find a solution that works for both you and your teenager.
• Follow through: Once you have agreed on a compromise, it is important to follow through with your end of the agreement. This will help your teenager learn that compromise is a two-way street and that they can trust you to keep your promises.
• Remember that compromising with your teenager is not about giving in to their every demand, but rather about finding solutions that work for both of you. By working together and being open to each other's ideas, you can build a stronger, more respectful relationship with your teenager.

In summary, when your teenager wants to argue with you as a parent, it's important to remain calm, listen to their perspective, encourage open communication, set clear boundaries and expectations, and be willing to compromise. By doing so, you can foster a healthy and respectful relationship with your teen that will benefit both of you in the long run.

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“Parenting my angry rebellious teenage daughter is SO HARD!"

Hi S.,

I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>

Good Morning,

To begin, I just wanted to say that I joined your online program a few days ago and it has already been so helpful. There seems to be an ample supply of resources in my community for parenting young children, but haven't come across much for parenting the pre-teen and teen ages. I've been studying the materials and started implementing the strategies therein. Which has now brought about a couple of questions I could use some support on.

First, a few days ago I removed my daughter's computer privilege for the 3 day time frame. I didn't engage in the power struggle, simply explained the consequence, and stated I wasn't going to argue. The first day went surprisingly well. She did say my rules were dumb and asked for clarification about how long and when she would get computer time back. I told her if there were no more occurrences of the specific behavior she would have her computer time back on Saturday (3 days).

>>>>>>>>>>> You are doing a wonderful job. Go MOM!

The second day however, wasn't as smooth. She attempted to argue with me about it and I stated I wasn't going to argue. Then she tried to manipulate the issue and say she ONLY wanted to put music on her ipad and wouldn't use the computer for anything else. I said she could download her music on Saturday. I was on the phone with a friend at the time, and had already put the call on hold once to tell her I wasn't going to argue and restate the time frame. I went back to my phone call and she started mumbling unpleasentries and even throwing some things around the living room. I ignored, then she started yelling get off the phone and eventually, inappropriate things to my friend on the phone.

>>>>>>>>>> At this point, the parent should assert [with a poker face], “If you choose to continue to interrupt me while I’m on the phone, you will choose the consequence, which is the 3-day-discipline will re-start.” If she interrupts again, then follow through with the consequence.

I continued to talk in hopes that my friend wouldn't hear and did not end my telephone conversation immediately. That is absolutely inappropriate, but I was so lost as to what to do or how to address. On one hand if I got off the phone ... then, I allowed her to control the situation ... on the other hand, my friend should not be verbally attacked by my 13 year old daughter? What is your suggestion for an appropriate response in that situation. I know she needs attention and approval and I am making sure to spend time with her, ask about her day, give positive feedback for good things I notice, etc. I did nothing during or after that to address it. Do you go back and talk about it after the situation is calm? I'm confused ... I don’t want to engage in a power struggle, but there are certain boundaries she shouldn't cross isn't there? When I was off the phone, she then asked if I would download the music for her. I said yes, I could download the songs if she made a list (not sure if that was right).

>>>>>>>>>>> Unfortunately, this was a form of retracting your established consequence – you just got manipulated again!
 
She then decided she would wait until Saturday and do it herself. This is so confusing and hard because it seems that every situation perpetuates another?

>>>>>>>>>>If you find that “one problem is creating another,” you simply state that if she chooses to introduce a new problem, she will choose the consequence, which is the 3-day-discipline will be started over.

>>>>>>>>>>> Let’s use an example: Daughter has been issued a 3-day-discipline (i.e., no computer privileges) for getting on Facebook when she was warned not to. On day 2, daughter wants to get on the computer to download music. Mom says “no” (one time) …gives her reason for saying “no” (one time) …and tells her daughter that when the 3-day-discipline is completed, the privilege will be reinstated.

>>>>>>>>>>>The daughter begins to have an inappropriate temper tantrum as a result. Thus, mom states, “If you choose to continue to argue with me, you will choose the consequence, which is the 3 days starts over.” Daughter continues to argue. Mom now says, “Because you chose to continue to argue, you chose the consequence, which is the 3 days starts over -- as soon as you calm down.” When the daughter chooses to stop yelling/arguing, mom looks at her watch and re-starts the 3-day-discipline.

Also, I know I need to accept and validate her feelings about things ... how/when do you do that?

>>>>>>>>>> You do that when she is calm; when she is behaving appropriately. Validation is not part of the equation during the period of time you are issuing a consequence.

At the moment the situation occurs I'm not arguing about it or showing emotion or engaging in any power struggle. But, I also want to be careful not to totally disregard her. After a blow up do you go back and discuss what happened?

>>>>>>>>> This is optional. If the employment of “Fair Fighting” (see the section on Fair Fighting) works in her case, then yes, discuss and problem solve. Otherwise, just let the execution of the consequence be the teacher.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

Parenting Children and Teens Who Are Oppositional and Defiant

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Oppositional Defiant Disorder [ODD]: Questions & Answers

==> Help for Parents of Children and Teens with ODD (and comorbid ADHD)

What Oppositional Defiant Disorder May Look Like Throughout Childhood

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is defined as a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that persists for at least 6 months. Behaviors included in the definition are as follows:

• refusing to follow rules
• losing one's temper
• deliberately annoying other people
• blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior
• being touchy, easily annoyed or angered
• being resentful, spiteful, or vindictive
• arguing with grown-ups
• actively defying requests

Here’s what ODD looks like throughout childhood:

Preschool—

• family instability, including economic stress, parental mental illness, harshly punitive behaviors, inconsistent parenting practices, multiple moves, and divorce, may also contribute to the development of oppositional and defiant behaviors
• temperamental factors, such as irritability, impulsivity, and intensity of reactions to negative stimuli, may contribute to the development of a pattern of oppositional and defiant behaviors in later childhood
• when the parent punishes the youngster, the youngster learns to respond to threats
• when the mother or father fails to punish the youngster, the youngster learns that he or she does not have to comply
• the youngster's defiant behavior tends to intensify the parents' harsh reactions
• moms and dads respond to misbehavior with threats of punishment that are inconsistently applied
• interactions of a youngster who has a difficult temperament and irritable behavior with moms and dads who are harsh, punitive, and inconsistent usually lead to a coercive, negative cycle of behavior in the famil
• these patterns are established early, in the youngster's preschool years; left untreated, pattern development accelerates, and patterns worsen

School-age—

• they lack the skills to solve social conflicts
• they blame their peers (e.g., "He made me hit him.")
• these kids may be more likely to misinterpret their peers' behavior as hostile
• noncompliance with commands
• kids with patterns of oppositional behavior tend to express their defiance with educators and other grown-ups and exhibit aggression toward their peers
• kids with ODD and poor social skills often do not recognize their role in peer conflicts
• in problem situations, kids with ODD are more likely to resort to aggressive physical actions rather than verbal responses
• failure to take responsibility for one's own actions
• emotional overreaction to life events, no matter how small
• as kids with ODD progress in school, they experience increasing peer rejection due to their poor social skills and aggression
• ODD behavior may escalate and result in serious antisocial actions that, when sufficiently frequent and severe, become criteria to change the diagnosis to conduct disorder

NOTE: When many kids with behavioral problems and academic problems are placed in the same classroom, the risk for continued behavioral and academic problems increases.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

Why We Are Seeing Our Young People Commit Horrific Violent Acts

“Why are so many of our young people turning to senseless acts of violence these days… why are we seeing such an epidemic of mass shootings …why …why?!”

Several things have occurred in recent years that appear to have created the perfect storm for mass shootings. In no particular order, mass shooters tend to have the following commonalities:

1.    All mass shooters had the means to carry out their violent act (in most cases, purchasing their weapons through legal avenues). 

2.    Most mass shooters reach an identifiable crisis point in the months leading up to the shooting.

3.    There was both a means and an opportunity to carry out the crime in all cases.

4.    Most had experienced trauma or exposure to violence in childhood (e.g., teasing, bullying, and/or ostracization by their peer group, physical and/or sexual abuse, parental suicide, neglect, domestic violence, etc.).

5.    Most felt 100% justified in carrying out the shooting (i.e., they honestly thought they were “doing the right thing”).

6.    Most become angry, despondent and violent because of a specific grievance (in the El Paso case, having a serious problem with Latino immigrants). Other examples of specific grievances include relationship rejection (or some other type of loss), a change in job status, feeling belittled or shamed by certain individuals, etc.

7.    Mental health concerns are often present (e.g., thought disorders, suicidality, depression, anxiety, etc.).

8.    Many of these shooters have been radicalized online (i.e., they study other perpetrators and model their violent acts after previous shootings).

9.    Most had studied the actions of other shooters and pursued validation for their motives, which might explain why we had 2 mass shooting back-to-back (i.e., mass shootings tend to be socially contagious – they come in clusters).

10.    In many cases, the shooter communicated to others through (a) specific threats of violence (e.g., via Facebook and Twitter), (b) an expression of suicidal thoughts or plans, or (c) a marked change in behavior.

11.    At some point prior to the shooting, many decided that life was no longer worth living and that killing others would be appropriate revenge, which might explain why they have either expected to be killed by police during the episode, or took their own lives immediately after they completed their evil task.

In summary, it appears that the core issue for these individuals revolves around mental health problems – specifically starting in childhood!

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

What To Do When Your Defiant Child Has To Have The "Last Word"

“What do you suggest for a child with oppositional defiant disorder who always has an intense need to have the last word?”

Because defiant behavior is all about control, many kids who exhibit it seem to have a strong need to have the last word. Remember that they don’t want the argument to end, because when it does, their sense of control ends also.

Unfortunately, dealing with a child who has this need to win often generates in parents the same intense need to come out on top.

Your strategy here would simply be to give your child the control he or she wants. Make the conscious decision to “surrender to win.” Go ahead and allow your child to have the last word.

Once his or her goal has been accomplished, the behavior usually stops. “Parting-shot” comments can be ignored and consequences given later (similar to the strategy outlined here).

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Oppositional Behavior: When Your Child Violates Rules Right in Front of You

Let's look at a couple examples:

• The parent is walking through the living room and, as she passes, the child puts her/his feet up on the coffee table (when told previously not to do so).
• The parent tells all the kids to calm down and use their “inside voice,” but the defiant child immediately shouts out loud.

Planned ignoring is a conscious decision to not attend to the behavior at the time it occurs. It does not mean ignoring the behavior forever, which would be condoning it. 

Usually, when a child violates a rule immediately after it has been given, it is an attempt to engage the parent in an argument and seize control of the situation. Behaviors that are insubordinate, but do not endanger the physical or psychological safety of others, can be temporarily ignored.

When your child sees that you are not going to “give up” control by taking the time to engage in an argument, the behavior often stops. If, however, when the behavior is ignored the child escalates it, you need to interpret the meaning of the behavior.

It’s important to let ALL your kids know about the strategy of “planned ignoring.” You might say:

“There are going to be times when someone violates a rule and it looks like I’m not paying attention or I’m letting them get away with it. I want you to know that I am choosing to ignore them for the time being because what’s most important is that I continue to teach and you continue to learn. I want you to know that the misbehavior will be addressed at a later time and the child will receive consequences for her/his behavioral choices. The rules haven’t changed.”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Parent’s Strategy for Dealing with Oppositional Defiant Behavior: Ask Rather Than Tell

Let’s look at this common parent-child exchange:

The parents says, “You need to finish your homework before you go out to play.” The child responds, “If you let me go now, I’ll do my homework later. I want to play with Jason now.”

If you persist, your child may continue to try to “make a deal” (e.g., “I’ll do half my homework now, only play outside for a little bit, and then come back and finish my homework”).

Your strategy is to ask rather than tell...

Oftentimes this type of interchange can be proactively avoided by “asking” the child what he should be doing, rather than by telling him what he is supposed to do (e.g., “What needs to be done before you go outside to play?”).

For the most part, children with defiant behavior really don’t want to be doing something different, they just want to have control and not feel as if they are being told what to do. Kids who are trying to make deals are really saying, “I want to feel like I have control over what I’m doing and when I’m doing it.”

If the parent interprets that sentiment out loud and points out that they do have control, oppositional kids often will comply. For example, you could say:

“You want to feel like you have control about the ‘what’ and ‘when’ of your choices. You do have control. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t do homework – you don’t go outside. You do your homework – you go outside. It’s your choice.”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Parents’ Strategy for Oppositional Children: Teaching the Difference Between the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law

Examples of oppositional behavior in the child:

• When told “Turn your cell phone off while you’re at the dinner table,” the defiant child may turn it off, and then turn it back on.
• When given the direction “Lower your voice,” the child may speak in a lower tone, but use the same volume.
• When given the direction “Pull your chair up to the table,” the child may bring the chair up, but then sit on the floor.

Parent’s Strategy: Teach the difference between the letter and the spirit of the law:

Generally, when faced with the “loophole finding” child, parents will try to become more precise in their language or to add additional rules. Rather than trying to plug the loopholes, give your defiant child a lesson that teaches the difference between the “letter of the law” and the “spirit of the law.”

Unless your youngster has a language impairment, he knows what you mean and is merely testing the limits. In your lesson, you can give examples of statements a parent might make, and then ask your child to identify the intent.

Examples:

• No yelling. Does that mean: (a) be silent or (b) start whispering?
• Stop running. Does that mean: (a) walk or (b) start skipping or hopping?
• Turn around. Does that mean: (a) face me or (b) turn in a circle?

Not only does this lesson get the point across, it generally is a lot of fun for parents and the kids. Once you are certain that your child understands the difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law, one additional rule can be added: “Follow the spirit of the law.”

Now, when your child tests the limits, you can ask, “Are you following the spirit of the law?” This effectively derails the child who innocently looks at you and smiles, saying, “But I did what you SAID!”

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

How to Prepare Teachers for Your Child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder

"My son has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. Should I give his teacher (and tutor) some strategies to deal with him in the classroom (starts on Mon.)? If so, what can I tell her?"

Yes, definitely give the teacher some ideas to deal with your son effectively. The school can be a great ally in keeping your youngster with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) safe and successful in the classroom, but you will need to make sure that the teachers have all the knowledge they need to help.

Use the suggestions below to create an information sheet to bring teachers “up to speed.”

23 Things Your ODD Child’s Teachers Should Know -- Information Sheet:

1. Allow sharp demarcation to occur between academic periods, but hold transition times between periods to a minimum.
2. Allow my child to redo assignments to improve his score or final grade.
3. Ask me, his mother, what works at home.
4. Avoid “infantile” materials to teach basic skills. Materials should be positive and relevant to my child’s life.
5. Avoid making comments or bringing up situations that may be a source of argument for my child.
6. Call me with questions or concerns as often as needed.
7. Choose your battles carefully with my child. Selecting a couple of areas to focus on will work better than fighting over each and every behavioral issue.
8. Clear, simply stated rules work better for my child than abstract rules and expectations.
9. Give 2 choices when decisions are needed. State them briefly and clearly.
10. If there will be any sort of change in my child's classroom or routine, please notify me as far in advance as possible so that we can all work together in preparing her for it.
11. Make sure academic work is at the appropriate level. When work is too hard, my child becomes frustrated. When it is too easy, he becomes bored. Both reactions lead to problems in the classroom.
12. Use of individualized instruction, cues, prompting, the breaking down of academic tasks, debriefing, coaching, and providing positive incentives.
13. Minimize downtime and plan transitions carefully. My ODD child does best when kept busy.
14. My child has significant challenges, but he also has many strengths and gifts. Please use these to help him have experiences of success.
15. Pace instruction. When my child has completed a designated amount of a non-preferred activity, reinforce his cooperation by allowing him to do something he prefers or find more enjoyable or less difficult.
16. Please keep the lines of communication open between our home and the school. My child needs all the adults in her life working together.
17. Post the daily schedule my child knows what to expect.
18. Praise my child when he responds positively.
19. Provide consistency, structure, and clear consequences for my child‘s behavior.
20. Remember that children with ODD tend to create power struggles. Try to avoid these verbal exchanges. State your position clearly and concisely.
21. Select material that encourages student interaction. My ODD child needs to learn to talk to his peers and to adults in an appropriate manner. However, all cooperative learning activities must be carefully structured.
22. Structure activities so my child is not always left out or is the last one picked.
23. Systematically teach social skills, including anger management, conflict resolution strategies, and how to be assertive in an appropriate manner. Discuss strategies that my child can use to calm himself when he is feeling his anger escalating. Do this when he is calm.

Information sheet tips:

• In your note, focus on the ways that using strategies appropriate to your youngster's special needs will make things easier for the teacher, rather than insisting on rights and obligations.
• Keep your tone friendly, helpful and no-nonsense. You are writing as an expert on your child and his diagnosis, not as a pushy, demanding parent.
• Make a copy of all correspondence for your records. Using a datebook or a contact log, jot down when and what you sent to teachers, and what follow-up you made.
• Remember, the start of school is a hectic time for the teacher. Even with the best intentions, he/she may not want to spend his/her free time reading tons of material. If you can put together an information sheet (like the one above) that looks manageable, you will stand a much better chance that the teacher will actually follow the instructions listed.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with ODD Children

How To Deal With Your "Violent" Child

Hi Mark. Thanks so much for the parenting material, it has given my wife and I some positive direction in parenting our oppositional 10 year old boy. He ticks nearly all the boxes for ODD and in addition to working your program, we are endeavoring to have him see a child psychologist. However he is reluctant to go and when he does go he pretends everything is okay, insisting that he can control himself. The reason I am writing to you is that he has become increasingly violent, particularly towards my wife, often punching and kicking her with force. Should I be physically restraining him? This seems to increase his violence and up the level of his tantrum. I'm trying to stay poker-faced but still feel I need to do something to protect my wife and our children. I have taken our boy to the police after a recent violent episode, mainly for scare tactics, but they seemed quite bemused by the fact I would bring him. I'm also wondering if there is some medical issue below the surface here, but it is extremely difficult to get him to co-operate to go anywhere for assessment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: restraining...

Yes – you should restrain. Why? Because you want to model for your son how the REAL WORLD operates. And in the real world, physical violence results in being “arrested” (in the fullest sense of the term). It would be best, however, to prevent these violent episodes to begin with. It’s much easier to deal with small fires rather than blazing infernos.

Re: testing...

Have him examined by a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist. Ask for a “comprehensive psychiatric evaluation.” You want to rule out any biological issues (e.g., brain damage). Assuming the violence is behaviorally-based rather than some medical condition, here are a few items to consider...

Although the roots of child violence are varied, violent children often share a pattern of beliefs and feelings that support their aggressive behavior. In some cases, it is relatively easy to punish the behavior, but it can be much more difficult to change the underlying thoughts and emotions of a violent youngster. To be effective, treatment approaches for violent children need to take these factors into account:

1. A 'me against the world' attitude: Kids who become violent have often learned to see the world as a cold and hostile place. They develop a habit of thought that attributes hostile intentions to others. This attitude leaves them little choice but to fight virtually all the time. If, for example, another youngster bumps up against them in the hallway at school, they immediately take offense, certain that they were attacked. They cannot imagine that perhaps the bumping was just clumsiness on the other youngster's part or an attempt to tease that really wasn't hostile.

2. Always the victim: Even while they are the aggressors, violent children almost always think of themselves as victims -- of unfair parents, teachers, of other bullies, of prejudice -- and believe that their violent acts are therefore totally justified.

3. Distorted thinking: Violent kids come to believe that overpowering another person is a mark of strength and worth, and that violence is a legitimate way to resolve conflict. Popular media support this idea, with wrestlers who pound their opponents without mercy and so-called action heroes who slaughter foes by the truckload. For good or bad, the government unwittingly encourages the idea that "might makes right" when it engages in shows of strength celebrating the Army and police. Violent kids needn't look far for evidence that force is what really counts.

4. Never safe: The aggressive youngster sees the world as an unsafe place in which there are only victims and victimizers, so he (unconsciously) chooses to be one of the latter. The power and delight he takes in hurting others, in combination with his already numbed emotions, can make for a lethal mixture.

5. Self-esteem: For some kids, aggression toward others may be a powerful source of self-esteem, particularly if they lack other confirmation of their human worth. In many cases, the problem is not lack of self-esteem in general – but lack of self-esteem related to positive, peaceful accomplishments.

6. The loss of empathy: Violent kids often don't even recognize (much less feel) the suffering of others. Empathy develops early in infancy. Most nine-month-old infants register concern if they see their parents crying, for example. Kids who have been emotionally traumatized learn to protect themselves from further emotional damage by shutting off their own feelings along with any empathic feelings they might have for others.

It isn't difficult to recognize many of these beliefs and emotions in kids who act violently, but it is hard to know how to correct them. While it is clear to others that many of the ideas the violent youngster harbors are wrong and that the scope of his feelings is narrowed, from the inside, these thoughts and feelings make perfect sense. Every experience the youngster has seems to reinforce the idea that the world is an unfair place.

So what can you do?

Here’s some advice on dealing with violent kids:

1. Acknowledge your role. When one youngster - or the "target child" - is acting out, the family will blame him or her for the family's dysfunction. Oftentimes, you will see a family that will present a disruptive youngster for treatment ... this is the sacrificial lamb for the family's toxicity. I advise moms and dads to examine their own behavior, and if need be, the entire family should seek counseling.

2. Don't get into a power struggle with a youngster. Sometimes aggressive kids know that if they struggle long enough with their moms and dads, by yelling, screaming, or throwing temper tantrums. Be firm in disciplining your youngster and let him know that there boundaries that he have to observe.

3. Every youngster has currency. Use it! There's not a youngster born that doesn't have currency, whether it's toys, clothes, games, or television. Access to this "currency" needs to be contingent upon proper behavior. For example, if a youngster throws a temper tantrum, he should not be rewarded with a toy or an activity. He needs to understand the consequences of his behavior. Predict the consequences of his actions with 100 percent accuracy.

4. Maintain a unified front. Sometimes aggressive kids know that if they engage in "divide and conquer" tactics with their moms and dads, they will be able to get their way. Be unified in your parenting. If you're together, if you're unified and if you're there for each other, then all of a sudden there's strength in numbers. Don't forget to close the ranks.

5. Obtain a proper diagnosis from a psychologist. Many times, moms and dads are quick to make evaluations of their kid's unruly behavior, such as blaming aggressiveness on ADHD or ODD. Revisit your evaluations, because a youngster's violence may be stemming from other issues. Don't make judgments until you get to the root of the problem.

6. Stop being intimidated by your youngster. Many moms and dads are afraid to discipline an unruly youngster for fear that their youngster will resent them for being an authority figure. Your youngster doesn't have to like you or even love you, but he does have to respect the parent-child relationship, and realize that there will be consequences for negative actions. Recognize that you don't have to be your youngster's friend, but you do have to be his parent.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents

When Your Teenager Absolutely REFUSES To Go To School

"Terrible morning... my 15 yr. old missed the bus AGAIN. I told him that if he missed again he would have to walk (about 1 mile). He refused and went to his room. I tried to get him to go but he refused. Told him this was unacceptable and ended up driving him part of the way. What do I do now? He has had his phone and ipad taken away already."

__________

You're definitely not alone in dealing with this issue. Here are some examples to prove it:

School Refusers: Case Examples--

Laura, an eight-year-old girl, has always had difficulty attending school. Since she began third grade two months ago, her problems have significantly worsened. She constantly begs to stay home from school, having tantrums that cause delay in dressing and often result in her missing the bus. After arriving at school, Laura frequently complains of stomachaches, headaches and a sore throat to her teacher and asks to visit the school nurse with whom she pleads to call her mother. Her mother typically picks her up early twice a week. 

When Laura gets home she spends the remainder of the afternoon watching TV and playing with her toys. When her mother is unable to pick her up early, Laura calls her mother's cell phone periodically throughout the afternoon to "check in" and reassure herself that nothing bad has happened. Laura's teacher has expressed concern about her missing so much class time which has resulted in incomplete assignments and difficulty learning.

==> Join Online Parent Support

James is a fourteen-year-old boy who has missed forty-three days of school since beginning the eighth grade four months ago. When home from school, James spends most of the day online or playing video games. On the days he does attend school he is typically late for his first period which enables him to avoid hanging out with other kids before class. He always goes to the library during lunch. 

When he does go to class, he sits in the back of the classroom, never raises his hand and has difficulty working on group projects. James' teachers have noticed that he is always absent on days that tests or book reports are scheduled. His parents have already punished him after his first report card came home since he received D's in Math and Social Studies and failed Gym for cutting. James' parents have started to wonder if they should change his school placement and have asked the school to arrange home tutoring while this alternative is explored.

Prevalence and defining characteristics—

As much as 28% of school aged kids in America refuse school at some point during their education.1 School refusal behavior is as common among boys as girls. While any youngster aged 5-17 may refuse to attend school, most kids who refuse are 10-13 years old. Peaks in school refusal behavior are also seen at times of transition such as 5-6 and 14-15 years as kids enter new schools. Although the problem is considerably more prevalent in some urban areas, it is seen equally across socioeconomic levels.

Laura and James are just two examples of how school refusal manifests in kids. The hallmark of this behavior is its heterogeneity. Defined as substantial, child-motivated refusal to attend school and/or difficulties remaining in class for an entire day, the term "school refusal behavior" replaces obsolete terms such as "truancy" or "school phobia," because such labels do not adequately or accurately represent all kids who have difficulty attending school. 

School refusal behavior is seen as a continuum that includes kids who always miss school as well as those who rarely miss school but attend under duress. Hence, school refusal behavior is identified in kids aged 5-17 years who:

1. are entirely absent from school, and/or

2. attend school initially but leave during the course of the school day, and/or

3. go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems, and/or

4. exhibit unusual distress during school days that leads to pleas for future absenteeism.

As evidenced by Laura and James, there are varying degrees of school refusal behavior. Initial school refusal behavior for a brief period may resolve without intervention. Substantial school refusal behavior occurs for a minimum of two weeks. Acute school refusal behavior involves cases lasting two weeks to one year, being a consistent problem for the majority of that time. 

==> Join Online Parent Support

Chronic school refusal behavior interferes with two or more academic years as this refers to cases lasting more than one calendar year. Kids who are absent from school as a result of chronic physical illness, school withdrawal which is motivated by parents or societal conditions such as homelessness, or running away to avoid abuse should not be included in the above definition of school refusal behavior as these factors are not child-initiated.

While some school refusers exhibit a more heterogeneous presentation, typically these kids can be categorized into two main types of troublesome behavior -- internalizing or externalizing problems. The most prevalent internalizing problems are generalized worrying ("the worry-wart"), social anxiety and isolation, depression, fatigue, and physical complaints (e.g. stomachaches, nausea, tremors and headaches). The most prevalent externalizing problems are tantrums (including crying and screaming), verbal and physical aggression, and oppositional behavior.

The cause and maintenance of school refusal behavior—

Laura had several physiological symptoms at school and went home to be with her mother and play. James on the other hand, avoided potentially distressing social and evaluative situations at school which negatively impacted his academic performance. Although many behaviors characterize kids who refuse school, there are a few variables that serve to cause and maintain this problem. School refusal behavior occurs for one or more of the following reasons:

1. To avoid school-related objects or situations that cause general distress such as anxiety, depression or physiological symptoms

2. To escape uncomfortable peer interactions and/or academic performance situations such as test-taking or oral presentations

3. To pursue tangible reinforcement outside of school

4. To receive attention from significant others outside of school

The above four reasons for school refusal behavior can be explained by principles of reinforcement. Any one youngster can refuse school for one or more of these reasons. The first two reasons characterize kids who refuse school to avoid or escape something unpleasant (negative reinforcement). For example, one of the reasons for Laura's crying in the morning is her fear of riding the school bus. 

By tantruming she accomplishes her goal of avoiding the school-related object (the school bus) that causes her distress. Another example of negative reinforcement is when James escapes aversive peer interactions and exams by school refusing. The third and fourth reasons characterize kids who refuse school to gain rewards (positive reinforcement). Laura, as is common with many younger kids, tries to avoid school as a means of having her mother provide her with excessive attention and closeness. Thus, Laura's behavior in this situation may be associated with separation anxiety. 

Another instance of positive reinforcement is exemplified by James, who basically has more fun being at home on the computer and listening to music than being in school. It is important to note that alcohol and drug use can occur among adolescents who school refuse for one or more of the reasons listed above. For example, a teenager who is extremely socially anxious may drink alcohol as a way of enduring distressing social or evaluative situations. 

Another youngster who avoids school may smoke marijuana during school hours as a means of gaining acceptance by peers or simply because it is more enjoyable than attending school. While all forms of school refusal can be equally debilitating, typically, mental health professionals receive fewer referrals for kids who have internalizing as opposed to externalizing behavior problems. In other words, the kid who exhibits anxiety is less likely to receive treatment than the kid who is disruptive.

Alternative School—

Kids who refuse to go to school typically do much better in an alternative school setting – one in which (a) the classes are smaller, (b) they get more one-on-one attention, and (c) they do most of their work on the comport.

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