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  ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

According to parenting experts, the average youngster hears the word “no” an astonishing 400 times a week. That's not only tiresome for you, but it can also be harmful to your son or daughter. According to studies, children who hear “no” too often have poorer language skills than kids whose moms and dads offer more positive feedback. Also, saying “no” can become ineffective when it's overused (a little like crying wolf). Some children simply start to ignore the word, while others slip into a rage the minute that dreaded syllable crosses your lips. So what's a parent to do — let her kids run amok without any limits? Well, no! Parents can break out of the “yes-no tug-of-war” by coming up with new ways to set limits. Here are 20 positive ways to answer your child in the negative: 1. Adjust your use of the word "no" over time. For example, in the first year of life, the word "no" is usually reserved for warning your youngster of dangers he...

Why should parents stop screaming at their kids – in all cases – effective immediately? Here are 4 important reasons why: With parental screaming, your children will learn that they never really have to change their behavior, because screaming is not much of a consequence. Instead, they will just listen to the yelling and do whatever they want to do anyway. And eventually, they will simply tune you out completely. When yelling becomes your usual method of dealing with problems, your kids are also apt to think that it is okay for them to scream a lot. You’re teaching your children that yelling is an appropriate response when one is angry or stressed. Screaming teaches that life, in general, is often out-of-control. Screaming actually empowers your children (but in a bad way), because it gives them the message that you are not in control …and if you are not in control, they assume that they are the ones in charge. If you find yourself yelling at your youngster too often, it’...

Mark Hutten, M.A. - Master's in Counseling Psychology The problem is that most parents of strong-willed, out of control children and teenagers have tried very hard to regain control -- but with little or no success.  And it seems the harder the parent tries, the more the child "acts-out." I often hear the following statement from parents: "I've tried everything with this child -- and nothing works!"   But when they work with me , they soon discover they have not tried everything, rather they have tried some things. If you're interested in Skype counseling, simply do the following: Create a Skype account, if you haven't done so already -- it's free! Add me to your contacts list. My Skype name is: markbhutten . [After you get into your Skype account, do a search using my Skype name. You'll see my picture and my name: Mark Hutten.] Send me a contact request. I will accept it and add you to my contacts. Email me so we can...

How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change?   ==> If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read!

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is defined as a recurrent pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that persists for at least 6 months. Behaviors included in the definition are as follows: refusing to follow rules losing one's temper deliberately annoying other people blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior being touchy, easily annoyed or angered being resentful, spiteful, or vindictive arguing with grown-ups actively defying requests Here’s what ODD looks like throughout childhood: Preschool— family instability, including economic stress, parental mental illness, harshly punitive behaviors, inconsistent parenting practices, multiple moves, and divorce, may also contribute to the development of oppositional and defiant behaviors temperamental factors, such as irritability, impulsivity, and intensity of reactions to negative stimuli, may contribute to the development of a pattern of opposit...

“Why are so many of our young people turning to senseless acts of violence these days… why are we seeing such an epidemic of mass shootings …why …why?!” Several things have occurred in recent years that appear to have created the perfect storm for mass shootings. In no particular order, mass shooters tend to have the following commonalities: 1.    All mass shooters had the means to carry out their violent act (in most cases, purchasing their weapons through legal avenues).  2.    Most mass shooters reach an identifiable crisis point in the months leading up to the shooting. 3.    There was both a means and an opportunity to carry out the crime in all cases. 4.    Most had experienced trauma or exposure to violence in childhood (e.g., teasing, bullying, and/or ostracization by their peer group, physical and/or sexual abuse, parental suicide, neglect, domestic violence, etc.). 5.    Most fel...

“What do you suggest for a child with oppositional defiant disorder who always has an intense need to have the last word?” Because defiant behavior is all about control, many kids who exhibit it seem to have a strong need to have the last word. Remember that they don’t want the argument to end, because when it does, their sense of control ends also. Unfortunately, dealing with a child who has this need to win often generates in parents the same intense need to come out on top. Your strategy here would simply be to give your child the control he or she wants. Make the conscious decision to “surrender to win.” Go ahead and allow your child to have the last word. Once his or her goal has been accomplished, the behavior usually stops. “Parting-shot” comments can be ignored and consequences given later (similar to the strategy outlined here ). ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

Let's look at a couple examples: The parent is walking through the living room and, as she passes, the child puts her/his feet up on the coffee table (when told previously not to do so). The parent tells all the kids to calm down and use their “inside voice,” but the defiant child immediately shouts out loud. Planned ignoring is a conscious decision to not attend to the behavior at the time it occurs. It does not mean ignoring the behavior forever, which would be condoning it.  Usually, when a child violates a rule immediately after it has been given, it is an attempt to engage the parent in an argument and seize control of the situation. Behaviors that are insubordinate, but do not endanger the physical or psychological safety of others, can be temporarily ignored. When your child sees that you are not going to “give up” control by taking the time to engage in an argument, the behavior often stops. If, however, when the behavior is ignored the child escalates it...

Let’s look at this common parent-child exchange: The parents says, “You need to finish your homework before you go out to play.” The child responds, “If you let me go now, I’ll do my homework later. I want to play with Jason now.” If you persist, your child may continue to try to “make a deal” (e.g., “I’ll do half my homework now, only play outside for a little bit, and then come back and finish my homework”). Your strategy is to ask rather than tell ... Oftentimes this type of interchange can be proactively avoided by “asking” the child what he should be doing, rather than by telling him what he is supposed to do (e.g., “What needs to be done before you go outside to play?”). For the most part, children with defiant behavior really don’t want to be doing something different, they just want to have control and not feel as if they are being told what to do. Kids who are trying to make deals are really saying, “I want to feel like I have control over what I’m doing and when I...

Examples of oppositional behavior in the child: When told “Turn your cell phone off while you’re at the dinner table,” the defiant child may turn it off, and then turn it back on. When given the direction “Lower your voice,” the child may speak in a lower tone, but use the same volume. When given the direction “Pull your chair up to the table,” the child may bring the chair up, but then sit on the floor. Parent’s Strategy: Teach the difference between the letter and the spirit of the law: Generally, when faced with the “loophole finding” child, parents will try to become more precise in their language or to add additional rules. Rather than trying to plug the loopholes, give your defiant child a lesson that teaches the difference between the “letter of the law” and the “spirit of the law.” Unless your youngster has a language impairment, he knows what you mean and is merely testing the limits. In your lesson, you can give examples of statements a parent might make, and t...

Dear Mark, I have recently "joined the program" and have seen an overall improvement. I have 3 daughters aged 18 (now left school & unemployed after going to live with her father several months ago because he does not have any boundaries), 17 (major issues see below) and 10. The children's father consumes alcohol in excess, which contributed to his lack of supervision. Separated/divorced 4 yrs ago and my 17yo went to live with her father over 12 months ago where she was basically unsupervised until crisis this April including alcohol & Marijuana use, shoplifting, running away etc. I now have court orders to stop her running back there when I placed boundaries on her. She is under care of mental health team (initially depressed now behaviour issues) and she has been attending appts. She keeps saying that she would rather live in a foster home than live with me (in a comfortable home). I remove privileges of computer, bedroom door, phone, iPod, ...