When Teens Refuse To Come Home

Teen: “Hey mom. I’m spending the night here at Sarah’s.”

Mother: “No you’re not. I told you to be home by 11:00 PM.”

Teen: “But her mom said it was O.K. if I stay here tonight.”

Mother: “I don’t care. I let you go over there because you promised to be home by 11:00. Now, you either come home or you’re grounded for the rest of the week!”

Teen: “Then I’m never coming home!!!” (CLICK)

Sound familiar? For moms and dads with adolescents, setting curfews can be tricky. Adolescents should have curfews because they need discipline and supervision. They're at a point in life where they are experimenting and pushing boundaries. When adolescents rebel against their curfews, moms and dads shouldn't give in. 

 

Parents are so easily manipulated by teens when it comes to curfews. It's not just about your teen hanging out with the wrong people or you staying up late worrying where he or she is at. A curfew is about an adolescent understanding that, yes, he or she can go out and have fun, but there has to be “responsibility” alongside this privilege.

What To Do When Your Adolescent Refuses To Come Home:

1. Allow your teenagers to come home after breaking curfew without fear. Discipline is better meted out the day after. Otherwise, they might commit greater infractions out of defiance.

2. Be careful how hard and fast you make that curfew. Allow for a small buffer (perhaps 15 minutes) so that your teen does not drive faster in order to be home by curfew and avoid punishment.

3. Be fair with the amount of discipline you issue for breaking curfew. Avoid becoming radical in your disciplinary actions, as this will only confuse your teenagers and possibly cause resentment.

4. Check local ordinances on curfews. Many cities and counties have mandatory curfews in place for minors of different age groups. Use the laws in your city to help back up your decisions. If it is against the law for your teen to be out after a certain time, let him or her know.

5. Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are through written and verbal reinforcements. Post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a verbal reminder (e.g., "I look forward to seeing you around 10:30 tonight").

6. Discuss the consequences for breaking curfew with your spouse. It is important that any actions you take in this regard are decided together when you both have a cool head.

7. Don't wait until your youngsters are adolescents to establish a curfew. Establish the curfew when your youngsters are preteens so that, by the time they reach their teenage years, obeying a curfew has become a long established habit.

8. Execute the consequences of broken rules. When your teen is late, give her the freedom and opportunity to comment and explain. Maybe there were unplanned events (e.g., a flat tire). Try to find a solution to the problem together. If your adolescent still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed-upon consequences fall into place. Since you and your adolescent have already discussed these consequences and set them up together (e.g., take away car keys, remove home privileges, etc.), you are not forced into the position of playing the "bad guy" or creating a discipline on the spot.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

9. Have your teen call as she is leaving her friend's house or an event. The call will give you a heads-up regarding where your teen is and how long it should take for her to arrive home.

10. If your adolescent has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were involved, then the consequences are more serious. Simply enact these more serious consequences that you and your adolescent set-up together.

11. If your teen knows in advance what the consequence for breaking curfew will be, and still breaks curfew, it may be time to re-evaluate the consequence.

12. Instruct your teen to call from her cell phone or her friend's home phone as soon as she arrives at her destination. Double check the number against the number on your list or from the Caller ID.

13. Involve your adolescents in setting their nighttime boundaries. Reach an agreement together as to a curfew time that is age-appropriate. Compromise if necessary. You don't always have to be the "winner."

14. It never hurts to check on your adolescent from time to time. If your adolescent says she is going to be at the coffee shop at 5 p.m. with their friends, drop by and see for yourself. You do not have to even let your adolescent know. If she sees you, just wave and keep on walking. Teens need to know that there will be some unscheduled checking by you. If they are spending the night at a friend’s house, call and ask to speak to your teen at an unusual time.

15. Keep a list of phone numbers for all of your teen's friends. If your teen says he is going to Michael's house, make sure that is exactly where he is going. A networking system with Michael's mom or dad is essential. Call Michael's parents and confirm your son's visit. Find out who will be driving and what the teenagers will be doing. This one phone call can be the first step in preventing a dangerous situation from occurring. If the other parents are not aware of your teen's visit, chances are your adolescent is already planning to do something he shouldn't be doing.

16. Make it abundantly clear that any time your teen becomes frightened while away from home, she can always call you for help.

17. Point out to your teenagers that a curfew expresses your trust in them, not your control over them. If they are breaking curfew, they are only failing to practice freedom prudently.

18. Remember that a broken curfew is not the end of the world, nor does it mean your teenagers fundamentally don't respect you. It is only natural that your teenagers will try to test boundaries to see what consequences they can handle.

19. Remind your teenagers of their curfew before they go out at night. Don’t give them the chance to say they were unclear about the specifics of curfew or the consequences for breaking it.

20. There are times when rules must be broken. Reasons should be emergencies only. Unfortunately teenagers and moms and dads often differ in what they consider emergencies. Lay the rules down long before your teen leaves your home. Curfew can be broken without consequences in rare instances that may arise (e.g., car trouble, a visit to ER, helping a friend, etc.). In the case of an emergency, your teen should be instructed to immediately touch base with you by phone. 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

21. When your teen obeys his curfew and comes home on time, let him know how happy you are that he's safe and how proud you are to have such a thoughtful and trustworthy teen. Let your teenagers know how worried you get when they don't come home on time, and thank them for saving you the stress of waiting up.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Why Your Teen Is So Ungrateful

"My daughter doesn't appreciate anything I do for her!"  Have you ever said something like that?  If so, you may need a wake-up call...

Over-indulged teenagers are not born, they are created.  Moms and dads create teenagers that are over-indulged by giving them an over-abundance of what they want, but don’t need. However, it’s not always the material things that lead to over-indulgence.  It may be a permissive parental approach in which the youngster is allowed to read things that are not age-appropriate.  It might also be over-permissive and over-protective parenting of the youngster (e.g., doing everything for the teen in a protective manner). 

Overindulging is:

• a form of child neglect; it hinders teenagers from performing their needed developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons
• doing or having so much of something that it does active harm, or at least prevents a youngster from developing and deprives that youngster of achieving his or her full potential
• giving a disproportionate amount of family resources to one or more children in a way that appears to meet the teenager's needs but does not, so they experience scarcity in the midst of plenty 
• giving teenagers things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age or their interests and talents
• giving teenagers too much of what looks good, too soon, too long
• the process of giving things to teenagers to meet the adult's needs, not the teen’s

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Recent research finds that over-indulged teenagers were likely to grow up to become “externals” rather than “internals.”  “Externals” want to become rich and super wealthy, to become famous, to achieve a unique look and have a deep need to have people comment on how attractive they are.

“Internals” want to grow and learn new things, to be able to look back on their life as meaningful and with satisfaction.  They also want to share life with someone and have a committed intimate relationship.  “Internals” want to work to make the world a better place and to help people in need.

Teens who are over-indulged tend to grow-up to be oppositional.  This is of course frustrating for the parent, and it’s rather sad as well.  Parents want their youngster to be happy, and they want what’s best for him or her, but the more parents try, the more things turn out badly because their efforts are misguided.

Amazingly, it’s counter-intuitive. The more the parent gives to the youngster, the more he or she wants and is ungrateful. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. If the parent takes a stand, usually the youngster knows, “If I get mad, my mother will give-in.” In that regard, it can be quite a challenge for the parent to finally stand firm after years of over-indulging.  

Over-indulgence can be in terms of the relationship (e.g., moms and dads acting as “friends” as opposed to a parent).  Also, emotionally there’s a tendency to be overly doting and emotionally intrusive with the teen.  All of which tends to develop the tendency in the son or daughter to respond with anger, resentment, over-inflated self-esteem, as well as a loss of compassion for others. 

The youngster grows up with a sense of entitlement.  They develop this perspective not only regarding the relationship with their moms and dads, but that the world should give them all the things they want.  This can lead to having problems with friendships and, later, with dating and maintaining meaningful relationships. 

Moms and dads created the problem usually by having any number of irrational beliefs. For example:

• in order to make the youngster happy, they must give her everything she wants
• their youngster cannot be punished
• they cannot implement any consequence that involves discomfort
• they cannot subject their youngster to any sense of pain or discomfort

Of course, this is contrary to what happens in the real world.  Teenagers need to be disciplined appropriately and learn from their misbehavior and mistakes through logical consequences.  In the absence of such discipline, much of the time you will end up with a youngster who is oppositional and defiant. 

Another irrational belief of moms and dads, which is targeted in treatment, is this tendency toward unconditional positive regard. Of course, such admiration and love is wonderful; however, these moms and dads will demonstrate such positive regard no matter the behavior of the youngster. Moreover, these parents see “love” as “giving” to the youngster and not carrying out discipline.  These parents tend to rationalize and “look the other way” rather than discipline. 

The extent of “over-indulging” a youngster is on a continuum. Most teenagers are, at times, demanding and ungrateful. If moms and dads respond accordingly, then their son or daughter can move toward appreciation and cooperation. However, if such behavior is tolerated, or “indulged,” then demanding and ungrateful tendencies can worsen.

Parents can begin a “change process” by changing their irrational beliefs, which then fuels the parent making the necessary changes in discipline of their youngster. The important thing is “balance” between “giving” and “discipline.” It’s important for moms and dads to not feel guilty for not giving their teens everything they want. In that regard, a frequently repeated motto is that “parents should give teenagers everything they need, but only a small portion of what they want.”  Moms and dads need help to understand that, by giving everything, the youngster only becomes more resentful rather than grateful.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Ways parents can change habits of overindulging:

1. “No” means “No.”
2. Attach good and clear thinking to your teenager’s emotions. 
3. Counter your teenager’s manipulation where you feel guilty by simply practicing saying “I won’t get that for you, but I have a way you can earn it!”   
4. Do not soothe your teenager’s painful emotions with gadgets and luxuries.  Sooth them with your calm presence, voice and tenderness. 
5. Hold onto your better judgment and avoid thinking, “I know I shouldn’t have done such and such…”  Stop your own unhealthy sway of emotions. 
6. Let the emotional sting of discipline happen. The emotional sting has a lesson. 
7. More than discipline, you should guide your teenagers to make amends. 
8. One television per household creates better family gatherings.  Research indicates that teenagers who have TV’s in their room spend less time with family and friends.
9. Over-indulgence is an impulsive act.  So, slowly contemplate how to respond to your teenager’s misbehavior, guilt trips, etc. 
10. Parenting is not a popularity contest!  Want to create a living hell for yourself?  Become a buddy to your teenagers.  They don’t need a friend in a parent – they need a mentor.  Parent-child friendship is for later.
11. Take time to help your teenagers manage difficult emotional times. 
12. Whatever the consequence, consider ¼ time off for good behavior.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Putting An End To "Homework Refusal": 25 Tips For Parents

Another school year is about 50% completed, and many parents have already had numerous "do-your-homework" battles!

Kids do not consciously choose to fail, but your daughter refuses to do her homework, which causes her to fail. Why is she sabotaging herself? Demanding that her educators provide you with her homework will not solve this problem. Complaining that the educators won't give you her assignments will have a negative impact on your relationships with these individuals. Her educators are likely to view you as an over-protective "helicopter parent" – and you don't want that identity!

So what can parents do when their child refuses to do homework? Here are some tips:

1. Communicate early on when homework issues arise. The earlier the problem is addressed the more likely it is you will be able to find solutions that work. The rest of the school year can be easier for you and your youngster.

2. Back up your words with action. Be realistic in your expectations. Stick to your demands. However, realize you should only demand things you are willing to follow through with. It may take your youngster several days to realize that you mean business. Say, "You can choose either to do your homework or to lose privileges. You will sit here until all of your homework is done. The choice is yours." For example, you may take away watching television, listening to music, using the telephone or computer.

3. Define a work space. Although a desk is nice, younger kids may do better at the kitchen table, closer to you while you’re preparing dinner. Just make sure it’s clear of clutter, including the daily newspaper, junk mail, or any other distraction. You can also construct a “learning station.” A tri-fold cardboard such as the kind used for science project displays would do the trick. On the right side of the panel, hang a folder for pending homework. On the left side, hang a folder for completed assignments. In the middle, post a list of activities your youngster can enjoy in five-minute breaks after completing a designated amount of work. That could be five minutes of her favorite prerecorded TV show or a chance to roll around on the floor with the dog after she’s worked steadily on her spelling words for 20 minutes. Create a bar graph and post it in the center of the tri-fold learning station. Use it to illustrate to a youngster the progress he’s making on an assignment by coloring in little squares with one of the magic markers. If there are 10 math problems to do that night, make each one a square. Five colored squares later, he’ll get a sense of accomplishment and most likely make it through to the end. Once assembled, this kind of learning station can really help center a youngster who has difficulty completing homework.

4. Do a reduced number of problems. If a youngster works very slowly even while paying attention to the task at hand, he may benefit from doing fewer problems that still cover the concepts.

5. Encourage independence. Moms and dads need to fight the temptation to fill in those last remaining answers themselves just because it’s late and everybody’s tired. Never do for your youngster what your youngster can do for herself. You’re not doing yourself or your youngster any favors by doing the homework for her. She’ll only come to expect it on a regular basis, and you may come to resent your involvement.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Getting and staying in touch with educators is important. Send them an introductory email and don’t hesitate to express concerns as the term progresses. If you think homework assignments are too hard or even too easy for your youngster, discuss it with the teacher so adjustments can be made. Encourage your youngster to speak up in class, as well. He needs to ask questions and tell his teacher when he doesn’t understand something.

7. Help kids see how they are benefiting from the homework. Moms and dads can tell their youngster what kind of homework the assignment is. "This looks like some good skill practice" …or, "Wow, you get to explore a whole new topic tonight."

8. Help your child understand that it is okay for some things to be very hard to do. If your child says things like, “I am stupid. I can’t do math” …tell her that she is not allowed to say that any more—and gave her a list of alternatives she can say (e.g., “I am not good at math” …“I hate math” …“I have to work harder at math than anyone else in the world” …“Math is hard for me”).

9. If homework is taking way too much time to do, your youngster’s teacher may need to be involved in helping to problem-solve. Kids who struggle in school may need their homework assignments to be modified in some way.

10. If the problems are the result of absences, your youngster’s teacher may be able to set up a schedule that allows the work to be made up within a reasonable amount of time.

11. If your child is really stumped by an assignment, demystify directions by having him pretend to be the teacher and explain to you how it should be done. This role reversal often yields surprising results as the objective of an assignment suddenly becomes crystal clear.

12. Keep a positive attitude. Kids learn by watching the grown-ups around them. If you have a good attitude (e.g., excitement about the material, enthusiasm about the new skills, etc.), then your attitude will rub off on your kids.

13. Keep communication lines open. Picture a triangle with the sides representing your youngster, the teacher, and you (the parent). We’ll call this configuration a “homework alliance.” In specific terms, it’s the maintenance of good relationships between parent and youngster, parent and teacher, and youngster and teacher. Keeping these three lines of communication open will smooth the whole homework process.

14. Make homework a game. There are plenty of ways to teach various skills using games. For example:

• Try following homework up with an entertaining game of Scrabble Junior
• There’s no shortage of fun educational computer software available
• Hand them a new set of magic markers to liven up an otherwise mundane social studies report
• Geography games can help commit all those state capitals to memory
• Flash cards are a reliable and fun way to reinforce sight words and multiplication tables

15. Offer options for how to complete the homework. Many creative kids can demonstrate their knowledge through posters, brochures, or presentation software, and offering these as a choice when appropriate can help resolve at least some of the issues.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

16. Point out resources on the Internet or at the library and create checklists for both long- and short-term assignments.

17. Praise your youngster when homework is completed. Say, "You've been getting all of your homework done. You should feel proud of yourself."

18. Schedule time in the day for homework. It helps if everyone in the house is quiet during homework time. The television, video games, telephone, and other distractions should be minimal. Kids should not accept social calls during homework time. Moms and dads can plan time for paying bills, organizing files, folding clothes or something else that is relatively quiet. If there is no time in the day for homework, then consider dropping some extracurricular activities from your youngster’s schedule.

19. Set it to music. Research has shown that music is a great motivator. Children complete more homework with background accompaniment – and kids with ADHD show markedly better performance when they’re listening to music. Since so much of homework is rote or simply completing unfinished class work, music can help relieve the tedium, and in the case of children with ADHD, can even help them focus. But skip tunes with lyrics. It’s best to limit the child’s choices to music that’s mostly instrumental so the words won’t interfere with his/her thoughts.

20. State clearly how you expect homework to be completed. Say, "I expect you to do all of your homework every night.  I will not tolerate your refusing to do your assignments."

21. Use a homework contract. This motivator is a written, signed agreement between you and your youngster that states a reward or a point toward a prize will be earned for each day that homework is brought home and completed.

22. When kids consistently have difficulty with homework, it is important to communicate this concern with your youngster’s teacher. With the teacher’s help you may be able to identify the source of the problem and figure out the best way to address it. Even though these meetings can be uncomfortable, it is best to approach them with a positive attitude while believing the problems can be solved by working together.

23. Your monitoring of homework communicates to your child an interest in what he’s learning, but don’t let homework disputes come between you and your youngster. Consider hiring a tutor if things reach an impasse.

24. Stay the course. Eventually there comes a time when children have to face up to the fact homework is just that—work to be done at home. Nobody likes it, but in reality, everybody gains something. For a teacher, homework extends instructional time. For a mother or father, it provides a window into the classroom. For a youngster, it’s an opportunity to acquire real organizational and study skills that will serve him over a lifetime. This is why it’s so important to maintain a firm, serious attitude about homework. Sure, it’s fun to mix it up with games and even rewards, but ultimately your youngster needs to know that homework has to be done well.

25. Try a number of different approaches to homework. It may take a while before you hit upon the solution that works best for your youngster. Of course, if you suspect a particular problem, always seek advice from an appropriate professional, be it a pediatrician, optometrist, school psychologist, or similar. Homework doesn’t have to be a drag for all concerned. Mix some creative problem solving with a little bit of effort, and your family will reap the benefits.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Power of Descriptive Praise

In an effort to enhance their kid's self-esteem, moms and dads often use praise to recognize the efforts and accomplishments of their kids. Of course, recognizing your kid's positive behavior is more likely to build self-esteem than dwelling on problems. But praise is not always uplifting.

Praise like “you're impressive …brilliant …amazing” can be too much for a child to believe. It is hard to accept such exaggerated praise. Have you ever noticed how uneasy you feel whenever anyone evaluates you? When someone tells you that you're “attractive” or “clever” -- all you can think about are the times you felt unsightly or did something stupid.

Kids also become uncomfortable with praise that evaluates them. They often dismiss it. Sometimes they will deliberately misbehave to prove you wrong. Instead of evaluating what your youngster has done, it is usually better to describe it. Describe in detail exactly what your youngster did. Then your youngster, hearing the description, is likely to recognize the truth and credit himself/herself.

The kind of praise a youngster can “believe” and that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts:

1. the parent describes what the youngster has done (e.g., “I see you are all ready for school. You picked up your toys, put on your jacket, and even turned off the light in your bedroom”)
2. the youngster, after hearing his accomplishment described, praises himself/herself (e.g., “I know how to be responsible”)

Descriptive praise is harder and takes longer, but the payoff is usually greater. Descriptive praise helps kids become independent, creative thinkers and doers. They do not look to others for approval. They trust themselves and their own judgment. They have enough confidence to say to themselves, "I'm happy with what I have done." They learn to make changes or improvements based on their own evaluations.

Evaluative praise is a way of making - and keeping - kids dependent on parents. It gets children to conform to the parent's wishes. It sustains a dependence on the parent's evaluations and decisions about what is good and bad rather than helping children to begin to form their own judgments. It leads kids to measure their worth in terms of what will make parents smile and offer the positive words they crave. It leads to a dependency on approval. The evaluative praise, “You are a very helpful person,” makes the youngster dependent on the judgment of the person doing the praising. But the descriptive praise, “When you saw that Sally dropped her books, you stopped what you were doing and helped her pick them up” gives a youngster a sense of his own abilities and accomplishments.

Descriptive praise lets a youngster evaluate himself. If you want your son to focus his attention more on the impact he had on Sally, you can say something like, “Look at Sally’s face! She looks very happy because you helped her pick up the books.” You can help your youngster see how his actions affect others.

Parents should ask themselves, “Does my praise make my kids more dependent on me and my approval, or do my words help them see their strong points and give them a clear picture of their skills and accomplishments?” The goal is to help your kids get in touch with their own abilities such that they can praise themselves. The person your youngster needs to please is himself/herself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Descriptive praise, then, has two parts:

1. the adult expresses appreciation for some specific contribution or effort
2. the youngster draws conclusions about himself/herself based on this specific statement from the adult

For a father to tell her daughter, “You're so smart” is not as effective in building self-esteem as saying “Math can be hard, but I see that you completed all your Math homework pretty quickly.” This girl can then think to herself, “I must be really smart. Dad thinks Math is hard.” These internal conclusions will be much more believable to the youngster than a father’s general value judgment of the youngster as an individual.

Evaluative comments are often unnecessary. In the long run, moms and dads can become less judgmental and controlling, and help their kids become more independent and motivated simply by acknowledging what their kids do. For example, simply pointing out an aspect of a youngster's handwriting that seems interesting (without saying that it's nice or that you liked it) will probably be enough to encourage further efforts.

For example, if your first-grader makes you a home-made birthday card, instead of saying “It's lovely,” you can describe it: “I really like your drawing of a birthday cake and the red candles on top. This card makes me feel happy!”

It takes some effort to use descriptive praise rather than evaluative praise. It takes skill to encourage children in such a way that they remain interested in what they are doing – but don't feel controlled.

Remember descriptive praise has two parts:

1. describe what you see and hear

2. describe what you feel

Name three things your youngster does that you might want to praise:

1.   

2.   

3.   

Now, describe what your youngster does, and share your comments with him/her.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Effective Discipline for Unruly Teens

Some disciplinary techniques are more effective than others. Fortunately, today there's a great deal of scientific evidence to back up behavior modification strategies. In order for a consequence to be effective, it must be:

• Unpleasant for your teenager
• Not too long (teens will give up if the consequence lasts too long)
• Not negotiable after the rule has been broken
• Immediate
• Age-appropriate
• A good match for the misbehavior

Disciplinary techniques that are effective can largely be grouped into two categories: 1) taking away something that is pleasurable (e.g., your attention, an exciting environment, a fun activity, etc.), and 2) imposing something that causes discomfort (e.g., paying a fine, doing extra chores, etc.). The consequence should always fit the misbehavior.

Draft a list of “Most Important House Rules” and put an appropriate consequence next to each one. Because these are the most important rules in your house, the disciplinary techniques should be fairly stiff. Next, clearly number and write the rules and their respective consequences on a large sheet of paper. For example:

1. Bedtime is 11:00 P.M. Go to bed on time every night. If you don’t, you will skip your extracurricular activities the next day (or the next time you have one).
2. Complete and turn in homework every day. If you don’t, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with your teacher.
3. Go to school every day. If you skip school or leave school, I will go with you to school to discuss the matter with the principal.
4. No putting holes in walls or windows. If you do, you will spend the next weekend fixing the holes instead of going to any social activities.
5. Drugs are not allowed in the house. If I think you have any, I will call the police and we will search your bedroom.

In a moment of downtime when you don't anticipate an immediate power struggle, approach your teenager and say, “I love you too much to let things go on like they have been, and it is my job to keep you safe and help you prepare for adulthood, so we are going to have some important rules. These are the basic rules in our house, and the consequences for not obeying them.”

Next, show your teenager your list.  Ask if there are any questions, or if there is anything that isn't clear. Tell your teenager that the new rules are in effect immediately. Then tell her you love her, and end the conversation. Post the rules in a conspicuous place, and expect her to begin testing them right away.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Now let’s look at what doesn’t work…

Here is a list of disciplinary techniques that should be avoided, either because they are ineffective, or because they cause more harm than good:

1. Yelling: When you're yelling, you're certainly not talking with your teen, and too much yelling, or yelling that is too fierce, may cause your teen to feel angry, intimidated, resentful, or shamed. Expect yelling, tears, withdrawal, or a teen who learns to ignore you until you calm down.

2. Withholding affection: Withholding affection ties your love to your teen's behavior, and is completely opposite from the concept of unconditional love. A mother or father who withholds affection becomes cold and distant until the behavior improves, forcing the teen to (a) suffer the lack of support, and (b) become an amateur psychologist as he tries to figure out what is making you so upset. Moms and dads who withhold affection believe it will make their teenager shape up-quick. In reality, the teen will retreat, and in anger and hurt, rebel against you.

3. Traps: Laying traps for teens, to see if they'll lie, lose control, or misbehave in a seductive situation, is unfair and disrespectful. Support your teen. Plan for him to succeed – not fail.

4. Threats: Warnings are an effective disciplinary approach, but threats are not. Threats have an element of coercion, and they make a teen obey through fear or by threatening harm. The teen whose parents use threats will feel uneasy in the one place he should feel secure: his family. Teens who are threatened often get into lying or deceptive behavior. Since most threats are “empty,” they also learn not to trust what the parent says.

5. Shutting down: Shutting down and not talking to your teen about what is bothering you or him, or about his behavior, is not effective in addressing misbehavior or avoiding it in the future. Confrontation is hard. But if you talk about it, everyone feels better afterwards.

6. Shaming: These are verbal forms of humiliation, like mocking or making fun of a teen in public. Teens will live up to your expectation – good or bad – and they'll internalize your opinions of them. Keep your reinforcements positive.

7. Sarcasm: Sarcasm is a way of putting distance between you and your teen. It puts teens down, builds resentment, and it hurts. Consider what audience you are being sarcastic for. Often parents are at their most sarcastic when other parents are around—they're not really talking WITH their teenager, their talking ABOUT her. This isn't right.

8. Physical abuse: However you feel about physical discipline, there is no doubt that punching, shaking, slapping on the face or hands, beating, whipping, hair-pulling, burning, binding, or any other physical attacks on teenagers are never acceptable, no matter what the teen's misdeed or attitude, no matter how frustrated or angry you are. Teens who have suffered physical abuse spend years fighting against lowered self-respect, mental health issues, and behavioral problems. They often become part of a cycle of violence as they, too, begin to suffer from delinquency, crime, and violent patterns as both abusers and victims. If you or anybody else in your teen's life is resorting to physical abuse to handle your teen, you need to change these patterns, and to do this, you need help and support.

9. Nagging: Nagging is continuous harping about a task, a habit, or a personality trait. Nagging is a completely ineffective technique of getting a message to your teen and, while it's not particularly damaging, it does tend to damage the communication pathways between parents and teens. Say it once, then say it again strongly, and then be done with it and move on to action. 

10. Humiliation: Humiliation wears down a teen's self-image and self-respect. Humiliation teaches a teen that you don't value him. Respect your teen—his body, his mind, and his ego. Never underestimate the damage that can be done by humiliating a teen. One of the most common triggers of suicide in teens and adolescents is a humiliating experience.

11. Guilt trips: Guilt is especially destructive when imposed on teens, when they're already deeply self-conscious and self-disparaging.

12. Commanding and demanding: Commands and demands are sometimes necessary for safety reasons, but they should only be used in emergencies. Commands and demands are a power-play. Instead of, “Why? Because I say so!” …try using requests. They'll go a lot further in fostering mutual respect. For teens that tend to be willful and push buttons, commands and demands will often get you exactly what you don't want: resistance when you need something done immediately. Enlist the teen's help. In most cases, a gentle request will actually save you time.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With The Manipulative Child

Have you ever noticed the things your child says to get her way? It’s as if she has taken a course on “how to manipulate parents.” Below are seven statements you probably have heard your child say again and again in her steadfast effort to influence and control you. See if these sound familiar, and discover some effective ways to respond to them:

1.    YOU LOVE BRANDON MORE! This is one of those comments designed to prey on a parent’s guilt. This comment about how you love one of your other children more is often effective in getting moms and dads to launch into a lengthy discussion with the youngster—and that only encourages the youngster to debate the parent’s authority. The next time your youngster accuses you of loving her sibling more, say, “You know that’s not true. I love all my children equally, but I parent them differently.”

2.    GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM! Somehow, kids have the idea that their bedrooms are off-limits, and that any parent who enters is trespassing on sacred ground. Generally, it’s O.K. to respect your child’s desire for privacy. But when moms and dads suspect that the child has stolen something, for example, they have every right to check things out.  If your child accuses you of violating her rights, simply say, “Your bedroom is a privilege –not a right. When you get your own home and pay the bills, you can put a “keep out” sign on your front door. It the meantime, this bedroom is actually mine – but, I’m willing to let you stay in it.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3.    YOU DON’T TRUST ME! This is a favorite accusation of older children and adolescents. They’ll use this line to try to get you to relax an “established limit” (e.g., child has to be home from the Mall by 9:00 PM). How should you respond? Like this: “I trust you, but I don’t trust a bunch of strangers. That’s why I don’t think it’s safe for you to spend all evening wandering around the Mall with your friend after 9:00 on a Saturday night.”

4.    THAT’S NOT FAIR! Since moms and dads feel it’s important to be fair to their kids, this statement can really throw parents for a loop. For their part, children tend to say this when they’re trying to get their mother or father to change a “no” into a “yes.” By accusing moms and dads of being unfair, children try to make parents feel guilty so they’ll change a rule they have established.  How should you respond? How about:  “You’re right – it’s probably not fair in your mind. And I have a lot of unfair things that happen to me too. Some things in life aren’t fair. And my answer is still ‘no’.” As a parent, you have to postpone worrying about what’s fair and remain focused on what needs to be addressed (e.g., your youngster’s misbehavior).

5.    I HATE YOU! Your youngster may tell you that he hates you when he is forbidden from doing what he wants to do. A good way to respond to “I hate you” is to reframe what the youngster has said, eliminating the word “hate.”  For example: “I know you’re angry, but that’s the rule. You can’t ride your after dark.”  Kids often drop the “hate” bomb word when what they really mean is that they’re angry. It’s understandable, of course, that new or inexperienced parents would be hurt when their youngster yells “I hate you!” But try to remember that your youngster doesn’t really mean it. In a fit of rage, kids don’t always find the right words to express their feelings.

At some point in your parenting career, your kids will launch one or more of these comments your way. Like a broken record, your children may return to them again and again, hoping they’ll eventually wear you down and get their way. Use the responses above as a cheat sheet of sorts, relying on them when your children put you in a tough spot. But be sure to choose the language that makes you most comfortable. 

Just remember that your youngster is saying what he’s saying to get his way. Stay focused on the current issue rather than getting derailed by your child’s comments and complaints. Your authority is not a subject open for debate.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The New Teen Drug: Bath Salts

Just when you thought you’ve seen it all in drug abuse among teens, here comes a new drug reportedly more potent than heroin and more dangerous than crack: bath salts.

"Bath salts" (mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone) or MDPV has been responsible for sending scores of teenagers to the emergency rooms across the country. The number of emergency related incident calls related to this widely available drug skyrocketed from 235 calls last year to 246 calls in January of this year alone.

The “bath salts” being sold contain cathinone, which is a plant grown in Africa. It affects the neurotransmitters in the brain much like meth or crack would. However, there is no government regulation at this time because of the fact that it is not manufactured for human consumption. Louisiana currently is being hardest hit with deaths and serious injuries because of ingested bath salts.

“Bath salts” has been sold under the street names of Cloud 9, Ivory Wave, Ocean, Charge Plus, White Lightning, Scarface, Hurricane Charlie, Red Dove and White Dove. It comes in powder and tablet form and is ingested by snorting, injection, smoking, or less often, by use of an atomizer. “Bath salts” is a psychoactive drug with stimulant properties, which acts as a norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor (NDRI).

Also called synthetic cocaine, fake coke, “charge” or the new Miaow Miaow, the usage of this product has become a fast-growing, highly addictive trend. Teens who have used and survived to tell the story say they can’t get enough of the fake coke. Unlike cocaine or meth, the white powder is still legal in most of the U.S. and it is sold at gas stations and specialty shops around the country. Some parents are reporting that their teenagers are staying awake for as long as 72 hours in complete pandemonium.

“Bath salts” is a powerful synthetic stimulant that has been responsible for many deaths. Many users are overdosing, committing violent drug-induced suicide, or having accidents caused by their paranoia. Producing effects worst than cocaine and meth, “bath salt products” have already been banned in Scotland following related deaths. Last December the DEA listed “bath salts” as a drug of concern but has no current plans to ban it nationwide. Florida has become the second state to ban "bath salts" following Louisiana. Officials in Mississippi, Kentucky and other states have begun to take similar steps.

Sold with items like herbal incense and synthetic marijuana, local drug advocates say they've seen abuse of bath salts increase dramatically. While it's a fairly new problem in Florida, deaths have already been reported in Kansas, Louisiana, and overseas. Now, the legal high is becoming more popular in the Miami / Fort Lauderdale area.

According to Dr. Richard J. Geller of the California Poison Control System, the problem is what's inside these so-called salts. The most common ingredient used in “bath salts” is called 4-Methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV. But also commonly found inside that "instant spa at home" is Mephedrone, aka 4-Methylmethcathinone, a compound very similar in structure to Methamphetamine. Other substances Geller says are "implicated" as “bath salts” include 4-Methylenedioxymethcathinone (Methylone), 4-Methoxymethcathinone, 4-Fluoromethcathinone, and 3-Fluoromethcathinone. All four are derivatives of Methcathinone, also known as Khat, Jeff, and Cat …a drug Geller says is structurally and pharmaceutically similar to methamphetamine. The Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) has it listed as a "schedule one" drug under the Controlled Substances Act -- the same class as heroin, pot, and mescaline.

Adolescents who abuse household products (e.g., prescription pills or bath salts) may benefit from tough love. Parents may consider limiting their child's access to certain areas of the house until they can be trusted.

If your teen has gotten involved with this highly addictive substance or any other drug, please seek help before it’s too late. For immediate attention, seek your nearest emergency room -- and when your teen is stabilized, seek the help of an addiction treatment center that specializes in treating teens.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Coping with Angry, Resentful Step-Children

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. As your step-child's parent, however, you are an influential adult in his or her life. As such, you have an immense opportunity and responsibility to help your angry step-child learn to cope with anger and express those feelings in ways that are positive and healthy.

Before we look at specific ways to manage aggressive and angry outbursts in step-children, several points should be considered:

• Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. In looking at aggressive behavior in step-children, we must be careful to distinguish between behavior that indicates emotional problems and behavior that is normal.

• In dealing with angry step-children, the step-parent’s actions should be motivated by the need to protect and to reach, not by a desire to punish. Step-parents should show the child that they accept his or her feelings, while suggesting other ways to express the feelings. Also, ways must be found to communicate what we expect of them. Contrary to popular opinion, discipline is not the most effective way to communicate to step-children what we expect of them.

• We should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration, whereas aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Here are some things that step-parents can do to help their angry step-children:

1. Anger is good for identifying problems – but not good for solving them. One of the problems people face is the guilt they feel after they’ve gotten angry. This further complicates the situation. We are emotional beings and emotions are helpful for giving us cues about our environment. Anger, in particular, points out problems. It reveals things that are wrong. Some of those things are inside of us and require adjustments to expectations or demands. Other problems are outside of us and need to be addressed in a constructive way. Helping step-children understand that anger is good for identifying problems – but not good for solving the – is the first step toward a healthy anger management plan.

2. Appeal directly to the step-child. Tell him or her how you feel and ask for consideration. For example, you may gain a step-child’s cooperation by saying, “I know that noise you’re making doesn’t usually bother me, but today I’ve got a headache, so could you please find something else you’d enjoy doing?”

3. Be proactive in teaching step-children about frustration-management, anger-control, rage-reduction and releasing bitterness. Model, discuss, read and teach your step-children about anger. There are several good books on this subject available, which are written for step-children at various age levels. Talk about examples of frustration and anger seen in step-children’s videos. Talk about appropriate responses. Work together as a family to identify anger and choose constructive solutions.

When anger problems seem out of control or you just don’t know what to do, get help. Sometimes a third party can provide the helpful suggestions and guidelines to motivate your family to deal with anger in a more helpful way. Step-children can begin to develop bitterness and resentment in their lives – and need help to deal with it. Unresolved anger can create problems in relationships later on. Step-children do not grow out of bitterness, they grow into it. Professional help may be needed.

4. Be ready to show affection. Sometimes all that is needed for any angry step-child to regain control is a sudden hug or other impulsive show of affection. Step-children with serious emotional problems, however, may have trouble accepting affection.

5. Build a positive self-image. Encourage step-children to see themselves as valued and valuable individuals.

6. Catch the step-child being good. Tell your step-child what behaviors please you. Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behavior. An observing and sensitive step-parent will find countless opportunities during the day to make such comments as:

• “I appreciate your hanging up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to get out to play”
• “I like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded”
• “I like the way you’re able to think of others”
• “I’m glad you shared your snack with your sister”
• “Thank you for telling the truth about what really happened”
• “You were really patient while I was on the phone”

7. Choose a better response. After the step-child has settled down from an anger episode, it’s time to decide on a more appropriate response to the situation. Step-parents who address anger in their step-children often respond negatively, pointing out the wrong without suggesting alternatives. There are three positive choices:

• get help
• slow down and persevere
• talk about it

Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even young step-children can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are three choices. These choices are actually skills to be learned. Step-children often misuse them or overly rely on just one. Take time to teach your step-children these skills and practice them as responses to angry feelings.

8. Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated. This doesn’t mean that you should ignore the step-child, just the behavior. The “ignoring” has to be planned and consistent. Even though this behavior may be tolerated, the step-child must recognize that it is inappropriate.

9. Ease tension through humor. Kidding the step-child out of a temper tantrum or outburst offers the step-child an opportunity to “save face.” However, it is important to distinguish between face-saving humor and sarcasm, teasing, or ridicule.

10. Encourage step-children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Help them to see that they can reach their goals.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. Explain situations. Help the step-child understand the cause of a stressed situation. We often fail to realize how easily young step-children can begin to react properly once they understand the cause of their frustration.

12. Identify the early warning signs of anger (e.g., clenched teeth; increased intensity of speech or behavior; noises with the mouth like growls or deep breathing; pouting; restlessness, withdrawal, unresponsiveness, or being easily provoked; squinting, rolling the eyes, or other facial expressions; tensed body; unkind words or the tone of voice changes to whining or yelling, etc.). Step-children often don’t recognize anger. In fact, many times they act out before they realize what happened. Identifying early warning signs helps step-children become more aware of their feelings, which in turn gives them more opportunity to control their responses to these feelings. Learn to recognize the cues that your step-child is beginning to get frustrated. Look for signs that come before the eruption.

Once you know the cues, begin to point them out to your step-child. Make observations and teach your step-child to recognize those signs. Eventually step-children will be able to see their own frustration and anger and choose appropriate responses before it’s too late. They’ll be able to move from the emotion to the right actions, but first they must be able to recognize the cues that anger is intensifying.

13. Manipulate the surroundings. Aggressive behavior can be encouraged by placing step-children in tough, tempting situations. We should try to plan the surroundings so that certain things are less apt to happen. Stop a “problem” activity and substitute, temporarily, a more desirable one. Sometimes rules and regulations, as well as physical space, may be too confining.

14. Model appropriate behavior. Step-parents should be aware of the powerful influence of their actions on a step-child’s behavior.

15. Never try to reason with a step-child who is enraged. Sometimes step-children become enraged. The primary way to tell when step-children are enraged is that they can no longer think rationally – and their anger is now controlling them. Unfortunately, many step-parents try to talk their step-children out of anger, often leading to more intensity. The step-child who is enraged has lost control. Anger is one of those emotions that can grab you before you know what’s happening. The intensity can build from frustration to anger to rage before anyone realizes it. Whether it’s the 3-year-old temper tantrum or the 15-year-old ranting and raving – don’t get sucked into dialog. It only escalates the problem. Talking about it is important, but be sure to wait until after the step-child has settled down.

16. Provide physical outlets and other alternatives. It is important for step-children to have opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both at home and at school.

17. Say “NO!” Limits should be clearly explained and enforced. Step-children should be free to function within those limits.

18. Teach step-children to express themselves verbally. Talking helps a step-child have control and thus reduces acting out behavior. Encourage the step-child to say, for example, “I don’t like your taking my pencil. I don’t feel like sharing just now.”

19. Teach your step-child to take a break from the difficult situation and to get alone for a few minutes. One of the healthiest responses to anger at any of its stages is to step back. During that time the step-child can rethink the situation, calm down and determine what to do next. Frustrations can easily build, rage can be destructive, and bitterness is always damaging to the one who is angry. Stepping back can help the step-child stop the progression and determine to respond differently. The size of the break is determined by the intensity of the emotion. A step-child who is simply frustrated may just take a deep breath. The step-child who is enraged probably needs to leave the room and settle down.

20. Tell the step-child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for expressing them. Teach step-children to put their angry feelings into words, rather than fists.

21. Use closeness and touching. Move physically closer to the step-child to curb his or her angry impulse. Young step-children are often calmed by having a grown-up come close by and express interest in their activities. Step-children naturally try to involve adults in what they are doing, and the adult is often annoyed at being bothered. Very young step-children (and kids who are emotionally deprived) seem to need much more adult involvement in their interests. A step-child about to use a toy or tool in a destructive way is sometimes easily stopped by a grown-up who expresses interest in having it shown to him. An outburst from an older step-child struggling with a difficult reading selection can be prevented by a caring adult who moves near the step-child to say, “Show me which words are giving you trouble.”

22. Use physical restraint. Occasionally a step-child may lose control so completely that he has to be physically restrained or removed from the scene to prevent him from hurting himself or others. This may also “save face” for the step-child. Physical restraint or removal from the scene should not be viewed by the step-child as discipline, but as a means of saying, “You can’t do that.” In such situations, a grown-up cannot afford to lose his or her temper and unfriendly remarks by other step-children should not be tolerated.

23. Use promises and rewards. Promises of future pleasure can be used both to start and to stop behavior. This approach should not be compared with bribery. We must know what the step-child likes, what brings him pleasure, and we must deliver on our promises.

24. Use discipline cautiously. There is a fine line between discipline that is hostile toward a step-child and discipline that is educational. DO NOT use physical discipline.  Use time-out instead.

25. When emotions get out of control, take a break from the dialog. Sometimes step-parents and step-children are having a discussion about something and tempers flare. Mean words often push buttons which motivate more mean words and anger escalates. Stop the process, take a break and resume the dialog after people have settled down.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How To Get Kids To Clean Their Bedrooms Without a Power-Struggle

Most moms and dads are challenged with getting their kids to clean up their bedrooms. One way to shift this struggle is to realize that it is important to the mother or father BUT NOT to the youngster to have a clean bedroom.

When you are willing to change the experience of cleaning from a power-struggle with associated rewards and punishments to a pleasant experience associated with fun, love and connection, children are more likely to cooperate, sensing how good it feels to actually have everything in its place. They then take into their adulthood an inner desire to live in a clean, organized environment rather than associating “cleaning” with a dreaded chore to avoid at all costs.

Here are some suggestions for making clean bedrooms possible -- and defusing the power struggles:

1. Advance your youngster's privileges as he takes more responsibility for keeping his bedroom clean. Let your youngster know that if he keeps his room clean, it'll show he's mature enough to handle more privileges.

2. Avoid making negative statements like, “You’re such a slob” …or… “Your room looks like a pigsty.” Use an upbeat, positive tone of voice and tell him how pleased you were with the job he did last time he cleaned his room.

3. Cleaning a bedroom can be a lonely task, and for the social youngster, it may feel like a torture instead of a way to help the family. Thus, put together “cleaning team.” Working together will make the jobs go faster. Your youngster helps you clean your areas of responsibility, and then you help him clean his bedroom.

4. Every one of your youngster's toys should have a well defined space. Take the time to show her where each item goes, then have her repeat back to you what you've told her. This will make it much easier for your youngster to do her job on a daily basis.

5. Give your youngster regular feedback on how he's performing. Let her know on a regular basis that she's doing a good job cleaning her room. If not, let her know how she could be doing better. Make sure she knows the proper steps it takes to complete the jobs you've asked her to do. If not, show her again.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Involve the whole family in the cleaning process, and play some upbeat music while the family cleans to make it a special occasion.

7. Keep your expectations very low. Few children have clean bedrooms. They like them dirty because it's the only place where they have control over their environment. For some children, a dirty bedroom is a badge of honor.

8. Lead by example. Keep the rest of your house as clean as possible to set an example for your youngster.

9. Plan a special activity for the family to celebrate a successful day of cleaning. It's not really bribery—it's just good politics!

10. Set up a reward system. Some moms and dads give their youngster a weekly allowance for cleaning her room. This is an excellent way to teach your youngster how to manage money. You may want to consider giving a daily allowance rather than a weekly one. The immediate reward is often more motivating than a delayed one. As soon as the work is complete, give your youngster his daily allowance – and you'll have a very eager little room cleaner on your hands. To a youngster, a week can seem like an eternity. He's more likely to lose his motivation before he gets paid.

11. Teach your youngster how to clean his bedroom by incorporating him into your own cleaning.

12. To bring some clarity to the cleaning process, have your child separate the job into straightening and cleaning. Straighten first – then clean.

13. Turn cleaning into a game. Challenge your youngster to see how quickly the two of you can clean his room. Let him know the sooner his room is clean, the sooner he can go outside and play. Challenge him to see if he can do it in 10 minutes or less. Set the timer, turn on the music, and start cleaning!

14. When you make a chore list for your youngster, always take his age and development into consideration. A 4-year-old can get the books back on the shelf and the clothes in the hamper, but he may not be able to make his bed to your specifications. A 7-year-old can do his own laundry with some supervision. Remember, your expectations will change as your youngster matures.

15. Lastly, be clear about what you mean by a “clean bedroom.” Develop a “clean bedroom checklist” and have your child check off the items as they are completed. Using the checklist will help you define your expectations, and it will help your youngster organize his time and remember his tasks. Also, you'll have an easy, stress-free way to check if things have been done. However, keep the checklist small (better to have too few things on the list than too many). Here's a sample checklist for bedroom cleaning:

• Clean the floor. Sweep, or move furniture aside and vacuum. Don't forget to vacuum the dust from under the bed.
• Clear the desk. Organize the desk so that homework and books are accessible. Throw away old clutter and scrap paper. Empty the wastepaper basket. Put the (now full) trash bag in the trash can or dumpster.
• Clear the garbage and clutter. Return all dirty dishes to the kitchen, and wash them. 
• Remove cobwebs from the ceiling and corners with a broom covered with your dust rag or the vacuum cleaner. Scrub the bad spots off walls with spray and a rag. Make sure all posters are still securely attached.
• Straighten and dust surfaces (dresser, bedside table, vanity, shelves, and so on). You do this surface by surface—clear the surface of objects, dust, and return objects neatly. 
• Put away all books, DVDs, CDs, computer programs. Library books go in a pile near the door ready to be returned. DVDs, CDs, and so on, all need to be in their proper boxes, and then put away. 
• Put away the toys and the fragments of toys.
• Strip the bed and put the sheets and pillowcases in the hamper. Remake the bed with clean sheets.
• Tackle the clothes. Fold the clean ones or put them on hangers, and put them away in an organized fashion. Put the dirty clothes in the hamper. Put all shoes in the closet in an organized fashion.

With a bit of positive reinforcement and creativity, you can motivate your youngster to keep his bedroom clean. Now, if only you can motivate your husband! But that's material for a completely different blog post.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Over-Protective Parent & The Spoiled Child

Nobody wants to raise a spoiled youngster. But striking a balance between nurturing and over-protection can be hard. Just how much is too much? There are no scientific facts about spoiled kids, no hard facts detailing the subject. However, there are plenty of moms and dads who worry about being over-protective toward their children, and plenty of professionals who have opinions on the matter.

A good definition of a spoiled youngster is “one with a sense of entitlement” (e.g., “I deserve whatever I want – and I shouldn’t have to work for it”). This is a youngster who is more interested in herself than in others. Moms and dads who are over-protective and all-giving contribute to this sense of entitlement.

What does "over-protective" parenting have to do with having a spoiled child? Over-protective parents don't want their youngster to fail, so they do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen. But at a certain point, these moms and dads are no longer doing their youngster a favor. The youngster becomes accustomed to having things done FOR him and assumes that everyone will work for his success (and unfortunately, this is simply not the case). Whenever parents get between their child and life experiences (in order to minimize the consequences of his choices), they are officially being over-protective.

Here are some methods of over-protective parenting:

1. BRIBING: “You can have a new DVD if you do your homework.”

2. DOING TOO MUCH: Doing things for children that they could do for themselves.

3. GIVING TOO MUCH: Buying nearly everything she wants (e.g., cell phones, cars, insurance, clothes you can’t afford, junk food, etc.) in order to “keep her happy.”

4. HOVERING: Doing their laundry, waking them up in the morning, making their lunches, driving them to the park when they could walk or ride a bike, excusing them from helping the family because they have homework.

5. LYING FOR THEM: Writing excuses to the teacher (e.g., “Okay, I’ll write a note to the teacher that you were sick this morning, but you’ll need to be sure and catch up”), or refusing to tell your spouse about a particular behavior problem (e.g., “You better be glad I’m not telling your father about this!”).

6. RESCUING: Buying new things to replace what a youngster loses, staying up late to help with (or do) last minute homework, defending your child when his teacher reports misconduct.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

So how can parents avoid being over-protective, but still make sure their child is safe? 

Here are some tips:

1. ASK FOR HELP: ʺI need your help. Can you explain to me why it’s not important to you that you do your homework?ʺ

2. CONTROL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR: ʺI’m willing to take you to the library when we come to an agreement in advance for a convenient time, but I’m not willing to get involved at the last minute.ʺ …or… ʺIf you need my help with your homework, please let me know in advance.ʺ

3. DECIDE WHAT YOU WILL DO WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT. “I’m available to help with homework between 6:00 and 7:00 PM on Wednesdays and Fridays. I won’t be available to help with last minute projects. If you’d like, I can teach you some time-management skills and show you how to set up a routine.”

4. ENCOURAGE LEARNING FROM MISTAKES: “I can see that you feel bad about getting that ‘D’ on your assignment. I have faith in you to learn from this and figure out what you need to do to get the grade you would like.”

5. EXPRESS YOUR LIMITS: “I’m not willing to go to school to bail you out. When your teacher calls, I will hand the phone to you or tell her she will need to discuss it with you.ʺ

6. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS. "I can see you are stressed about waiting until that last minute. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’m available to help with homework between 6:00 and 7:00 PM on Wednesdays and Fridays."

7. INFORMATION VS. ORDERS: ʺI notice you spend a lot of time watching television and talking on the phone during the time you have set aside for homework.ʺ …or… ʺI notice you often leave your homework until the last minute and then feel discouraged about getting it done.ʺ

8. JOINT PROBLEM‐SOLVING: ʺWhat is your picture of what is going on regarding your homework? Would you be willing to hear my concerns? Could we brainstorm together on some possible solutions?ʺ

9. LETTING GO OF THEIR ISSUES WITHOUT ABANDONING THEM: ʺI hope you will go to college, but I am not sure it is important to you. I’m happy to talk about your thoughts or plans about college anytime you like.ʺ

10. LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING: ʺI would like to hear what this means for you.ʺ

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

11. LOVE AND ENCOURAGE: ʺI love you just the way you are and expect you to choose what is right for you.ʺ

12. RESPECT PRIVACY: ʺI respect your privacy and want you to know I am available if you want to discuss this with me.ʺ

13. RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION: ʺI am feeling too upset to talk about this right now. Why don’t we put it on the agenda for the family meeting so we can talk about it when I am not so emotional – O.K.?ʺ

14. SET UP AN AGREEMENT: ʺCould we sit down and see if we can work on a plan regarding homework that we both can live with? Let’s put that on the agenda for the family meeting so we can work on an agreement.”

15. SHARE YOUR FEELINGS: Share your truth by using the ʺI feel ______ because _______ and I wish ______ʺ process without expecting anyone else to feel the same or grant your wish. This is a great model for kids to acknowledge their feelings and wishes without expectations. For example, ʺI feel worried when you neglect your homework because I value education, and think it could be very beneficial to you in your life.”

16. SHOW FAITH: ʺI have faith in you. I trust you to figure out what you need. I know that when it is important to you, you will know what to do.ʺ

17. STAND FIRM: Of course, this single act is not going to magically change your youngster. You must consistently tell your youngster when you think he or she is acting spoiled. Explain why you think this and why it's important to compromise or share. Most importantly, begin setting limits and standing by them.

18. TEACH CHARITY: For example, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your youngster, tell her so. Go on to explain that she does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow her to choose a few favorite items and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach her about giving to others while learning to value what she has.

19. THINK OF THE FUTURE:  Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your kids, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied with anything. They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your youngster, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things - just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not 5.

20. BE PATIENT. If your child has been over-protected most of her life, she is not going to develop self-reliance over night. So understand that this is a process that will take some time.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Resolving Sibling Conflict: Tips for Stressed Parents

Sibling conflict is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters.  It is a concern for almost all moms and dads of two or more children. Problems often start right after the birth of the second youngster. 

Sibling conflict usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to moms and dads.  There are lots of things parents can do to help their children get along better and work through sibling rivalry in positive ways.

There are many factors that contribute to sibling conflict:

• Kids feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness.

• Kids may feel their relationship with their moms and dads is threatened by the arrival of a new baby.

• Kids may not know positive ways to get attention from or start playful activities with a brother or sister, so they pick fights instead.

• Kids often fight more in families where moms and dads think aggression and fighting between siblings is normal and an acceptable way to resolve disagreements.

• Kids who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to become frustrated and start fights.

• Each youngster is competing to define who they are as an individual.  As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests.  They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.

• Family dynamics play a role. For example, one youngster may remind a parent of a relative who was particularly difficult, and this may subconsciously influence how the parent treats that youngster.

• How moms and dads treat their children and react to conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along.

• Not having time to share regular, enjoyable family time together (e.g., family meals) can increase the chances of kids engaging in conflict.

• Stress in the moms and dads' lives can decrease the amount of time and attention moms and dads can give the kids and increase sibling conflict.

• Stress in your kid’s lives can shorten their fuses, and decrease their ability to tolerate frustration, leading to more conflict.

• Your kid’s developmental stages will affect how mature they are and how well they can share your attention and get along with one another.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How Parents Can Reduce Sibling Conflict—

1. Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Older and younger kids may have different privileges due to their age, but if kids understand that this inequality is because one youngster is older or has more responsibilities, they will see this as fair.  Even if you did try to treat your kids equally, there will still be times when they feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you. Expect this and be prepared to explain the decisions you have made. Reassure your children that you do your best to meet each of their unique needs.

2. Don’t play favorites.

3. Enjoy each of your kid’s individual talents and successes.

4. Let each youngster be who they are.  Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.

5. Make sure each youngster has enough time and space of their own.  Children need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and to have their space and property protected.

6. Pay attention to the time of day or other patterns in when disagreements usually occur. Are disagreements more likely right before naps or bedtime or maybe when kids are hungry before meals?   Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned quiet activity when the children are at loose ends could help avert your youngsters’ disagreements.

7. Plan family activities that are fun for everyone.  If your children have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict.  It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.

8. Set your children up to cooperate rather than compete (e.g., have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other).

9. Teach your children positive ways to get attention from each other.  Show them how to approach another youngster and ask them to play, and to share their belongings and toys.

10. Try not to compare your kids to one another (e.g., don't say things like, "Your brother gets good grades in math—why can't you?").

11. Set aside “alone time” for each youngster, if possible.  Each parent should try to spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis.  Try to get in at least a few minutes each day.  It’s amazing how much even 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your youngster.

12. When you are alone with each youngster, you may want to ask them once in a while what  are some of the positive things their brother or sister does that they really like and what are some of the things they do that might bother them or make them mad. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!

13. Listen—really listen—to how your kids feel about what’s going on in the family.  They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.

14. Celebrate your kid’s differences.

15. Let each youngster know they are special in their own way.

16. Research shows that you should pay attention to your youngsters’ disagreements so that no one gets hurt, and you can notice abuse if it occurs. Try to see if your kids can work out their own disagreements, but remember that younger kids will probably need you to intervene and help structure the problem-solving.    Try not to take sides and favor one youngster over the other. Get them settled and calm first, then ask questions about what happened before dispensing discipline.

17. Help your children develop the skills to work out their disagreements on their own.  Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc.  If you give them the tools, eventually they will have the confidence that they can work it out themselves.

18. Don’t yell or lecture.  It won’t help.

19. It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel.  Hold kids equally responsible when ground rules get broken.

20. In a conflict, give your children a chance to express their feelings about each other.  Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings.  Help your children find words for their feelings.  Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.

21. Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.

22. Give your children reminders and advance warnings (for example, counting to three). When they start picking on each other, help them remember to state their feelings to each other.  Help them solve the problem themselves. You can offer suggestions, but let them decide what the best options are.

23. If you are constantly angry at your children, no wonder they are angry at each other!  Anger feeds on itself.  Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your kids how to manage theirs.

24. Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.

25. Model good conflict resolution skills for your children when interacting with them and with other family members.

26. Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately.  Separate the kids.  When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed.

27. If your kids are physically violent with each other on a regular basis, and/or one youngster is always the victim, is frightened of the brother/sister, and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse.  You should seek immediate professional help and guidance.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Involve your kids in setting ground rules.  Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles.  Here are a few ideas:

• Any youngster who demands to be first will go last.
• If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your children certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices. 
• If borrowing is a problem, have the youngster who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral—a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned. 
• If the children fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out. 
• In a conflict, no hurting (e.g., hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is ever allowed. 
• No fighting in the car or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again. 
• No making fun of a youngster who is being punished, or you will also be punished. 
• No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.

What are family meetings, and how can they help with sibling conflict?

If you have older kids, call a family meeting every once in a while. A family meeting is a meeting for all family members to work together to make family decisions. Moms and dads, kids, and any others who live in the home and have a stake in decisions affecting the daily life of the family should take part. Choose a time that works for everyone.  Establish a set of rules (e.g., no yelling or name-calling, everyone gets a turn) and allow everyone to have a say, even if members don’t agree.

The purpose of the family meeting is to recognize that everyone's opinion makes a difference.  The meeting allows the family to share their opinions, seek understanding, and find resolutions to problems. Family meetings help to build cooperation and responsibility, and make anger and rebellion less likely. Also, it is a time to share love, develop unity, and to build trust and self-esteem. The social skills and attitudes that kids develop within the family circle are the skills and attitudes they will carry with them the rest of their lives

Ground rules for family meetings:

• Everyone gets a chance to talk
• Everyone has to listen 
• No one has to talk 
• No one puts anyone else down
• Okay to say what you feel 
• One person talks at a time and does not get interrupted

Sample agenda for family meetings:

• Clarify the issue to be discussed
• Determine priority issue(s)
• Determine the most effective solutions
• Discuss family issues, concerns, interests, and positive events of past week
• Generate possible solutions
• Make plans to implement the solution
• Plan one fun activity for the coming week

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents