Son with ODD

Hi A.,

I’ve made some comments below. Please look for the arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>

I have a 14 year old son with ODD. I need advice on step one of lesson one of your parenting program (apologizing, preparing him for change). I have tried this approach with him in the past. It causes him to go into an all out episode that tends to last for a month. He feels it gives him permission to blame everything on us.

>>>>>>>>>>> Just omit the apology part. Include all the rest, because he deserves to know that some parenting changes are coming; he needs a “heads-up” on this.

He says were just lying because he knows that we don't believe what we're saying, even though HE knows we ARE to blame. It does not get him to admit that he is even part of the problem. And like I stated, this goes on for about a month.

>>>>>>>>>> The strategy does not include ‘getting him to admit his part.’

So, my questions are: 1. Is it really necessary to apologize again, even though I have done so in the past with no success?

>>>>>>>>>> No.

If so, must the apology come first, or can I first state that things will be changing?

>>>>>>>>>>> See above.

2. Can I reword the apology and warning of upcoming change?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Absolutely.

He can spot someone else’s words a mile away.

3. Can I deliver this info a little at a time?

>>>>>>>>>>> Preferably, just state that change is coming, and that you will give him time to adjust to the changes. Just keep it simple.

It does not work well to tell him too many things at once. 4. Is there a best time to start this whole process?

>>>>>>>>>>> The best time is now.

He has been in an elevated defiant mood for a week or more. Would it be best to wait until he is in a less defiant mood, or is this the opportune time?

>>>>>>>>>>>I don’t think it really matters.

I also need your advice on another aspect of his behavior. We have an 11 year old son who is the target of his brother's "attention." The older son's mission in life is to mentally torment his little brother. The more we punish the older one, the more he torments the younger one. My younger son is on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. Sending the younger one out to play is not an option as there are no other children in our neighborhood for him to play with. I've had him try calling friends to see if he can go to their houses to play, but all his friends have parents that both work and are not allowed to have friends over while the parents aren't home. We have no relatives in the area whose house we could send him to. We live in a small house and the boys share a bedroom, so my younger son doesn't even have a place of his own that he can go to escape.

Sometimes (if my husband isn't on night-shift and therefore is not sleeping), I send the younger boy to my bedroom to escape. But that usually results in me having to physically restrain the older one from going in after him. If I try to send the older one to his room, he simply refuses. The older boy does not have a stereo, MP3 player, T.V., or other "toys" that can be taken from him as punishment. He rarely plays video games, uses the computer, or the phone, so there's really nothing to take away there. It seems that his only form of recreation is in tormenting his brother.

Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’ll refer you to the ebook that details the strategy to use here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

>>>>>>>>>The above link is to the Anger Management Chapter (refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).


Thank you for your time.
Amy

>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you have further questions, just float me another email.

Mark

Are we doing the right thing?

My 16 yr old daughter rec'd F's and we are not allowing her to get her drivers license until her grades are c or better. Are we doing the right thing?

_________________

Hi L.,

Re: poor academic performance, please go to www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a and read this email from a parent: "My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

Re: withholding her driver’s license, please review the following page: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/rely

Given that we as parents want to (a) get out of the business of playing teacher, dean, vice-principal, etc., and (b) foster the development of self-reliance, the answer to your question is “no” – parents are not doing the right thing by not allowing a teenager to get her driver’s license.

Whenever you are undecided about what to do, always ask yourself, “Is the decision I’m about to make going to foster the development of self-reliance or inhibit it. If your decision will foster the development, then go with it. If not, then don’t.

Not allowing her to get her driver’s license will inhibit, to some degree, the development of self-reliance.

Mark

How do you know when it is over the top?

My wife and I have a 16-year-old daughter that we "discovered" was sneaking out of the house at night, partying etc. Once we confronted her, she and a neighbor girl ran away for about a day and a half. Since then she has been to 6-8 counseling sessions with no immediate results. We found you site and put your suggestions into practice now for about two weeks. She became very angry at first, but as privileges were taken away, she backed down some. My question is how do you know when it is over the top? If she threatens to run away again do we immediately call the police? We are just wondering what to do if it ever escalates to that level again. Ironically she is a very good student 3.7 GPA despite sneaking out a couple times a week on weeknight.

_________

>>>>>>>>>>>How do you know when it is over the top?

Well …make sure you are not grounding or taking away privileges for too long – more on this here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com (see “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).

>>>>>>>>>>>If she threatens to run away again do we immediately call the police?

Well first of all, don't threaten her. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month." or "Fine, go ahead and run ...I'll pack your shit and you live somewhere else."

Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse."

If your daughter follows through with her threat to run away, do the following:

1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away.
2. Get the name of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your daughter knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your daughter's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where she went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls she made in the last few weeks.

When your teen comes home, wait until you and she are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you."

If your daughter runs again, follow through with this consequence.


Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com