I’ve made some comments below. Please look for the arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>
I have a 14 year old son with ODD. I need advice on step one of lesson one of your parenting program (apologizing, preparing him for change). I have tried this approach with him in the past. It causes him to go into an all out episode that tends to last for a month. He feels it gives him permission to blame everything on us.
>>>>>>>>>>> Just omit the apology part. Include all the rest, because he deserves to know that some parenting changes are coming; he needs a “heads-up” on this.
He says were just lying because he knows that we don't believe what we're saying, even though HE knows we ARE to blame. It does not get him to admit that he is even part of the problem. And like I stated, this goes on for about a month.
>>>>>>>>>> The strategy does not include ‘getting him to admit his part.’
So, my questions are: 1. Is it really necessary to apologize again, even though I have done so in the past with no success?
If so, must the apology come first, or can I first state that things will be changing?
>>>>>>>>>>> See above.
2. Can I reword the apology and warning of upcoming change?
He can spot someone else’s words a mile away.
3. Can I deliver this info a little at a time?
>>>>>>>>>>> Preferably, just state that change is coming, and that you will give him time to adjust to the changes. Just keep it simple.
It does not work well to tell him too many things at once. 4. Is there a best time to start this whole process?
>>>>>>>>>>> The best time is now.
He has been in an elevated defiant mood for a week or more. Would it be best to wait until he is in a less defiant mood, or is this the opportune time?
>>>>>>>>>>>I don’t think it really matters.
I also need your advice on another aspect of his behavior. We have an 11 year old son who is the target of his brother's "attention." The older son's mission in life is to mentally torment his little brother. The more we punish the older one, the more he torments the younger one. My younger son is on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. Sending the younger one out to play is not an option as there are no other children in our neighborhood for him to play with. I've had him try calling friends to see if he can go to their houses to play, but all his friends have parents that both work and are not allowed to have friends over while the parents aren't home. We have no relatives in the area whose house we could send him to. We live in a small house and the boys share a bedroom, so my younger son doesn't even have a place of his own that he can go to escape.
Sometimes (if my husband isn't on night-shift and therefore is not sleeping), I send the younger boy to my bedroom to escape. But that usually results in me having to physically restrain the older one from going in after him. If I try to send the older one to his room, he simply refuses. The older boy does not have a stereo, MP3 player, T.V., or other "toys" that can be taken from him as punishment. He rarely plays video games, uses the computer, or the phone, so there's really nothing to take away there. It seems that his only form of recreation is in tormenting his brother.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’ll refer you to the ebook that details the strategy to use here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am
>>>>>>>>>The above link is to the Anger Management Chapter (refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).
Thank you for your time.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you have further questions, just float me another email.
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