Mom is a Sadistic Bitch?

Mark, Thanks for your responses. Re: the boyfriend - things changed quickly in a short time. He broke up with her (he said because she told him she was 15 when she hadn't turned 15 yet), and she was devastated, then they "made up" and are "friends" – but from monitoring her myspace, I found out that what she has in mind is "friends with benefits". So I'm going to continue with the restrictions you suggested. But I wondered about allowing her to go to his house, since I found out that his parents provide no supervision (or aren't there at all), and they have done everything short of having sex there. She refuses to bring him here, or to have me drive her to Subway to meet him. So given the choice of seeing him with my restrictions, or not at all, she hasn't been seeing him. She is enraged over that and announces that she will sneak off and see him anyway. What do I do if this happens, besides 3 days discipline? She says that if I call the police and report her as a runaway, she will kill herself.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>>> I’d tell her that she’ll choose the 3-day discipline if she chooses to ‘sneak off’. Then if she sneaks off, follow through with the discipline with the caveat that if it happens a second time, the police will be called and runaway charges will be filed. Do not get sidetracked with threats of suicide (keep an eye on her though). 

 

The other problem I'm going through is with her yelling and cursing and saying things that really, really hurt. A couple of times I've slipped up this past week and yelled at her - I did after she got off restriction and immediately refused to get off the computer again. She knows how to push my buttons: "You're not my mother" …"I hate you with every fiber of my being" …"You murderer. You destroyed a human being. Some day you will have a dead daughter." One of her favorites: "When I turn 18 and join the army I will have nothing to do with you" (I think she has every intention of carrying that out – but then again, she could be saying this because she knows that would hurt me more than anything) Those hurt more than calling me "sadistic bitch", "fucking whore", "Nazi mom", "billy bad ass" (very sarcastically, when I told her that if she doesn't get off the internet, she loses it tomorrow).  

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I know these statements hurt, and I’m not asking you to not get angry or to not be hurt – but I am asking you to “act as if” you are unaffected. If you keep that poker face on, she will eventually stop (because there’s no payoff).  

 

>>>>>>>>>> You could throw in the statement, “If you choose to call me a ‘bitch’ or any other name, you’ll choose the consequence (3-day discipline).” If she calls you a name at some point during the 3-day discipline, the 3 days starts over. 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens 

 

 Several times she has threatened to jump out of the car into traffic. And she talks about specific suicide methods, like hanging herself and jumping off a 10 story building. I worry because her father is bipolar in addition to being an alcoholic. She says she is "numb" and "empty inside." And, thanks to monitoring software, I found out that she posted a suicide note on myspace in which she blames me and says she hates me with every fiber of her being, and that it is my fault. She knows how to make me feel guilty - says I am a terrible mother and that I should not have had children, and I fear she may be right; not everyone is cut out for motherhood. And I feel guilty that, right now, I really do not like her very much. 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> Hold it lady. You’re letting your daughter “head-trip” you into doubting yourself. I’m glad to her you admit that you do not like your daughter right now. Now you’re gettin’ real (i.e., in touch with authentic feelings). 

 

 I do tell her I love her, but she says she doesn't believe me (it's true that I love her because she's my daughter, but I don't like the surly, defiant teenager she has become). And she says she cannot get along with me and that I destroyed my relationship with her. Anything I can do besides the "poker face", following the rules for fair fighting, giving her more attention when I "catch her doing something right", and trying to take care of myself? (I'm finding it impossible to focus on my own work, which is what I know I need to do).  

 

>>>>>>>>> Yes …there’s one more thing. You need to understand that your daughter is an expert manipulator (i.e., she’s full of shit). Are you taking this “mothering” thing too seriously? Are you taking her anger too personally? 

 

 >>>>>>>> Your new assignment is to find humor in ALL these situations – that’s right -- I said humor. If you feel you can’t do this right now, then “act as if” you find some humor in it.  

 

 Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

P.S. Here's my 3-step process for "acting as if" I find humor in something: 

 

Lack of nutrients and minerals could be causing bipolar disorder...

Mark, I had a client of mine bring me an article that you might find very interesting. I always view herbal type remedies with caution, but this one catches my eye. It was in ‘Canadian Living’, June issue about Empowerplus and bipolar disorder. If you go to www.truehope.com you can read about what started Empowerplus and success stories. Interesting enough I have 2 girls with PCOS which can lead to Type 2 bipolar, and I have a daughter who has developed signs of this. I also almost lost a 25 year old brother last year who they were treating for irritable bowel syndrome, which turned out to be colitis. He was told this runs in families and someone else in the family must have it. What I get from this article is that lack of nutrients and minerals could be causing bipolar disorder in some individuals. When I look at my family history of possible bipolar with a family history of colitis... could there be a link. Wouldn't it be interesting to see our family history all along could be due to a lack of nutrients and minerals?? The article site ‘pigs’ are the origin for the idea for this product. We now know many of our diseases in the world start in chickens, pigs, etc. Also remember many years ago many of our ancestors used to live with these animals in the same household for survival. Could there be a link and then we've just passed it through generations??? Just an interesting subject to kindle over, P.C

Adopted Daughter Problems

Dear Mark,

Right now I'm looking for a different kind of help. I've done foster care for years, approx. 17 years and have adopted 4 children and had 2 biological. We've had about 100 children go thru our house over the years and I thought I had dealt with almost everything until my latest challenge.

She is now 13 years old. She has been with us since she is a year old. Approx. 3 years ago she became very defiant, which has gotten worse and has even been physically reactive at times only to immediate family. She is very rude, sarcastic and enjoys annoying people and non-compliant with almost all rules. She does well at school, she's in accelerated classes and very athletic and talented.

I had her see a psychiatrist 2 1/2 years ago and he diagnosed her with ODD, depression, and attachment issues. He prescribed medicine for the depression and she did try 2 - 3 pills and then refused to take it because they made her feel funny. She was in counseling at that time which she totally manipulated. We stopped everything for a while because it was going nowhere.

It has escalated and in March she was admitted to a local behavioral unit for a few days after punching my husband in the back of her head with her fist when he told her not to do something and she went to do it anyway and he tried to stop her by taking away the poster board. That psychiatrist only diagnosed her with ODD and sent her home and wants her to start counseling again. We do have an appt. set up and are looking into wrap around services, but right now our house is like a time bomb and is very stressful to say the least.

I know ideally the best thing for her because of the attachment issues would be to remain at our house, but I'm not sure we will be able to do so. She has no desire to try and get along and comply with anyone in the house. My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one? I'm afraid she would only learn more negative behaviors in there and come home worse than when she went in. I'm also presently looking into boarding schools, but I'm afraid I won't be able to afford one. Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

Thanks,

Frustrated and heartbroken

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Re: My question is do you have any suggestions on effective treatment facilities should I need to look for one?

I would recommend that you simply go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Once on probation, your daughter will be referred by probation to whatever services she needs (which may include placement).

Re: Do you know of any special scholarships for adopted children whom are having a difficult time?

According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse's website – http://www.childwelfare.gov -- there is money available for students like your daughter. Some states including Florida, New Jersey, Maine, Texas, and Virginia have earmarked scholarship programs for children adopted through their state foster care systems. To find out if your state has a similar program, contact your State Adoption Specialist.

The Orphan Foundation of America scholarship program has awarded more than $1 million in scholarships to foster and former foster youth. For more information, visit http://www.orphan.org -- or call (571) 203-0270.

The National Foster Parent Association also provides awards for foster youth. Get an application by visiting http://www.nfpainc.org -- or by calling (800) 557-5238.