She lies ALL the time...

Mark, My daughter is 14 and she lies ALL the time. Back in March my cell phone was lost. I looked for a week and she even helped me look for it. I had convinced myself it had fallen out of my purse and into my trash in my van and I had thrown it away. In the mean time I bought a new cell phone at $300 because my contract was not up. On mothers day we had taken my parents out for ice cream. I specifically remember putting my phone in my purse in its holder. Well my daughter had gotten into trouble earlier that day. She had gotten a phone call and my husband had told her she had 5 minutes on the phone. 

 

She used her 5 minutes and he asked her to get off the phone (land line). Well she decided she needed to get something out of the living quarters of our horse trailer. She put her heavy coat on and just as sweet as pie goes past my husband just a talking up a storm. Which is VERY unusual right now because we are not anything she wants to talk to OR hang out with. Needless to say my husband got suspicious, came and asked me if I had my cell phone. I told him, "No, it's in the hold in my purse." He said, "Oh no it's not." Well as she was outside, he snuck outside and listened to her talking. When he opened the door to the trailer she closed the phone and put her iPod in her ear. 

 

She hid the phone in the trailer in a cabinet. My husband and I both knew she had it, so I told her give me your iPod and when you decide to give my phone I will give you your iPod. She swore up and down she did not have the phone. She just said she was singing to her iPod. While we were looking for the "new $300 phone" we found my old phone between her mattresses. It took 10 days, and a field trip for school, but she did give me my phone back. I told her it took you ten days to tell me the truth so I believe it should take 10 days to get your iPod back. Is this fair? 

 

I told her she WILL pay me back the $300 dollars because I should have never had to buy the phone in the first place. She is going to work this summer so I figure she can give me half of what she makes and she can keep half until I am paid back. I have told her from the beginning you will NEVER get into as much trouble if you will be honest with me. She has just started this lying since she turned 13. I have always told her I will back her if she tells me the truth but I must have the truth. I am getting to where I am not sure I know when she tells me the truth. I don't like that! The other part I don't like with this whole deal is she doesn't think she did ANYTHING wrong -- that it is my fault. 

 

 She thinks since she told me the truth 10 days later she should not have any punishment. Her punishment is 10 days of no computer, limited phone calls and no friends over or her not going to their house either. She does seem to blame others for her mistakes A LOT. I do not like that and would like help with that. How do you explain to put blame where blame is due? She blamed a teacher for her bad grade in science when she didn't study??? Then told me the teacher is just a bad teacher and no one at school likes the teacher. My daughter seems lazy when it comes to school and her studies. Thanks for your time, C. 

 

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Re: "I told her it took you ten days to tell me the truth so I believe it should take 10 days to get your iPod back. Is this fair? => Sounds right to me. Re: How do you explain to put blame where blame is due?"

 

=> I wouldn’t spend any time ‘explaining’. She’s going to blame others for her mistakes and misbehavior. Simply issue the consequence for misbehavior – no explaining. 

 

Intense, out of control kids try to convince the mother that the father is mean …they try to convince the parent that the teachers are unfair …they try to convince the teachers that the parents are abusive …and so on. This behavior just comes with the territory. 

 

Simply do not ‘buy in’ to her statements that “it’s someone else’s fault.” Also, do NOT believe a word your daughter says. You have been deceived more than you’ll ever know. Verify EVERYTHING. 

 

Mark 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

The Mom From Hell?

Mark, Thanks so much for responding so quickly, and for the validation. I'd been feeling like the Mom from Hell, and seeing "there you go doubting yourself again" made me find some humor in the situation (that has been a hard part of the assignment)! It's good to hear that I didn't do anything wrong with her friends. I had lost perspective - there's no law against what I did. You won't be surprised to hear that there was no phone call from the school. Actually, I doubted that they complained at all - if they could put two brain cells together, they'd figure out that, if anyone from the school asked why I did it, they would hear about underage drinking and pot smoking and sexual activity on prom night between 18 year olds and minors. Not what they wanted! 

 

The counselor isn't falling for her tantrums - she just said what you did, keep an eye on her [queen]. Next time, I'll do like I did with toddler tantrums, let it run its course and not respond. I see now my most frequent mistake has been getting pulled into it when she goes off. Even Grandma called her a drama queen - she talked calmly to the counselor and to Grandma, but when she sees me, she screams and cries and it's like the end of her world. What exactly would happen if I did file a battery charge? Have to admit I'm afraid to get the courts involved. But maybe saying that as a warning would work?  

 

>>>>>>>> I wouldn't 'warn' if you're not willing to follow through with the consequence. Your job is to prepare your daughter for the 'real world'. In the real world, one cannot smack another individual out of frustration without legal difficulties. 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>> For you to withhold a negative consequence after she smacks you is to send the wrong message about domestic violence -- a message that may cost her dearly in the future with other relationships. We, as parents, do our children a great disfavor by protecting them from painful emotions and negative consequences when they make a poor choice. 

 

I think she does want to be stopped. When I told her grounded or ungrounded, she is not going to go off with these older "friends" I don't know, she didn't argue (maybe she was exhausted). Another question: I'd been planning on going away for a week to grade AP essays (ETS pays well, and going would be like a vacation) and leaving her with Grandma. But with all the drama now, I'm wondering if I should withdraw because of family emergency. What do you think?

 

 >>>>>>>> For only a week? I think it would be O.K. to go. This will be a great opportunity for the two of you to take a time out from one another. Plus, you'll be able to come back home with a fresh perspective on how to continue the good parenting-changes you have undertaken. 

 

Mark

 

 ==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

The Truth About Free Government Grants

Hi Mark,

You provide some 'gov grants' info on your site. How realistic is it for a single mom, for example, to actually receive a free grant?

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It all depends on what kind of grant you're looking for and whether or not you represent a non-profit organization.

Free government grants are funded in one of two ways: (a) the money comes from the taxes we pay and (b) from private foundations that must give five percent of their assets to stay tax-exempt.

Gurus, companies, and others out to make a quick dollar will try to reel you in and get you to buy their information on free grants. This information is already free and readily available to the public. Do NOT pay to receive this information.

While the government does give farming, housing, business, college, education, and house building grants, these grants are given to non-profit organizations that help people -- they are not given to individuals. An individual grant is more likely to involve food stamp programs, section 8 vouchers, FAFSA, job training, nursing traineeships, Head Start program, welfare/TANF/AFDC, scholarships, free vaccinations, and other such programs. Grants to individuals are most often given for educational support (i.e., financial aid), the arts, and various types of scientific or other research, although some agencies award grants to individuals for other purposes.

Grants require you to fill out forms, generally on a quarterly basis, that tell how much money you have spent and what you have spent it on, as well as how you are progressing on the work you promised to do.

Business—
Even though many publications and talk shows publicize grants to small businesses, there is only one grant available -- and that is for research and development for technology based products and services for the government. Government grants are generally given to non-profit organizations for programs and services that benefit the community or the public at large.

Unless your business involves the development of new technology or is a non-profit organization, you will be wasting your time looking for a grant. If you are looking for funding for an existing or new for-profit business, you WILL encounter difficulties in finding and getting grant funding. The U.S. government does not currently provide grants for starting or expanding a small business. However, the government does offer plenty of free help in planning how to start or improve your business and in securing low-interest SBA-backed small business loans. Also, many States DO offer small business grants to individuals.

Women—
Women have the largest opportunity of any group to benefit from the government’s generosity. In spite of the perception that women should not look to the government for help, government grants have remained so incredibly huge that if each of the approximately 8 million businesses applied for an equal share, they would each receive over $70,000 in free grant money.

Scholarships—
You will find many diverse educational grant programs in FREE databases, directories and resources. Here's a partial listing of all the free government grants and scholarships currently available:

·$30,000 in available for students who want to become teachers
·$6000 plus tuition and fees for teachers to return and get a graduate degree
·$7500 a year for undergraduate or graduate students in health, science, or mathematics
·Free Government Grants for dependents of veterans killed or disabled in military service
·Free Government Grants for flight training
·Free Government Grants for graduate training in family medicine
·Free Government Grants for health care students who want to train in rural areas
·Free Government Grants for undergraduate and graduate students who have trouble paying tuition
·Free Government Grants to states to give scholarships to those who want to serve the community
·Free Government Grants to train to be a professional nurse
·Free tuition to children of law enforcement and firefighters killed in the line of duty
·Free tuition to white students who want to attend black colleges
·Health professionals student loans
·Money for American Indians who want to be health care professionals
·Money for health care students who want to study job safety and health
·Money for health professionals who want to be in public health
·Money for high school students in the top 15% of their class
·Money for students and teachers to travel and study overseas
·Money for students who want to become bilingual education teachers
·Nursing student loans
·Scholarships and money to repay loans of disadvantaged health professionals
·Scholarships for National Health Service Corp
·Scholarships for students in child development
·Scholarships for students in exceptional financial need
·Tuition, books and fees to Vietnam Vets

Mark