Mark, Thanks so much for responding so quickly, and for the validation. I'd been feeling like the Mom from Hell, and seeing "there you go doubting yourself again" made me find some humor in the situation (that has been a hard part of the assignment)! It's good to hear that I didn't do anything wrong with her friends. I had lost perspective - there's no law against what I did. You won't be surprised to hear that there was no phone call from the school. Actually, I doubted that they complained at all - if they could put two brain cells together, they'd figure out that, if anyone from the school asked why I did it, they would hear about underage drinking and pot smoking and sexual activity on prom night between 18 year olds and minors. Not what they wanted!
The counselor isn't falling for her tantrums - she just said what you did, keep an eye on her [queen]. Next time, I'll do like I did with toddler tantrums, let it run its course and not respond. I see now my most frequent mistake has been getting pulled into it when she goes off. Even Grandma called her a drama queen - she talked calmly to the counselor and to Grandma, but when she sees me, she screams and cries and it's like the end of her world. What exactly would happen if I did file a battery charge? Have to admit I'm afraid to get the courts involved. But maybe saying that as a warning would work?
>>>>>>>> I wouldn't 'warn' if you're not willing to follow through with the consequence. Your job is to prepare your daughter for the 'real world'. In the real world, one cannot smack another individual out of frustration without legal difficulties.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> For you to withhold a negative consequence after she smacks you is to send the wrong message about domestic violence -- a message that may cost her dearly in the future with other relationships. We, as parents, do our children a great disfavor by protecting them from painful emotions and negative consequences when they make a poor choice.
I think she does want to be stopped. When I told her grounded or ungrounded, she is not going to go off with these older "friends" I don't know, she didn't argue (maybe she was exhausted). Another question: I'd been planning on going away for a week to grade AP essays (ETS pays well, and going would be like a vacation) and leaving her with Grandma. But with all the drama now, I'm wondering if I should withdraw because of family emergency. What do you think?
>>>>>>>> For only a week? I think it would be O.K. to go. This will be a great opportunity for the two of you to take a time out from one another. Plus, you'll be able to come back home with a fresh perspective on how to continue the good parenting-changes you have undertaken.