I have some hope...

Mark,

I just found your website and am very interested. I received your eBook last night and started reading it. You have written it for me!

My 13 year old son and I have a meeting with his probation officer this afternoon, between him and your online support I have some hope.

K___ has been seeing counselors for the past 4 years. He has never done well in a school setting. He does not get along well with other kids and has real issues with authority. All of his behaviors I either thought could be managed or he would outgrow. Instead things have escalated. He is an angry young guy and I just don't understand him most of the time. He lies most of the time and when we do talk I don't know what is real and what isn't.

At the same time that I am so frustrated with him, I also know that there is a very sensitive and caring person in him. He is very talented artistically and has a very creative mind. Pointed in the right direction, he will do awesome things. I just need to help him see that.

Anyway, thank you for e-mailing. I look forward to seeing better days with K___.

J.

Online Parent Support

Parenting Program for Troubled Teens

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Anything to get a response...

"Hi Mark, I was quite impressed with what I read [in your eBook] and realize that I need to get more consistent with my kids (aged 11 and 7). My 11 yo daughter is the strong-willed one. One question I have is how to deal with their fighting. My daughter likes to have constant interaction and even when my son (7) wants to be by himself, she walks by and tries to provoke him, or bully him into playing - anything to get a response. He finally blows up and throws something at her and she claims she did nothing. Often they do play well together, but just as often they bicker, hurl insults, and physically hurt each other. We have gone through phases of ignoring it, sitting them down and trying to get them to work things out (never worked) …now we just send both of them to their rooms for a half an hour or an hour. What is the best tactic? Thanks, L."

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Hi L.,

This may not be true in your case, but what I find most often with parents who say "they tried ignoring the conflict" is this: They "ignored" for a short period of time, but then got feed-up, intervened to protect the younger one, and poured on a bunch of intensity while "things were going wrong."

Result:The older sib gets a payoff because she received the parent's intensity by pushing her "anger" button, and the younger one gets a payoff because he received the parent's intensity by pushing her "protection" button. Because of the 'payoff', the "problem" is reinforced ( i.e., behavior is rewarded and therefore repeated).

Ignoring behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case it is the recommended strategy -- unless physical violence enters the picture (e.g., throwing things at one another, hitting, pushing, etc.). When the kids become violent, the parent will do best by using the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

I hope this answers your question adequately. If you need any clarification regarding the strategy listed above, don't hesitate to email again.

Mark

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