Teenage Tantrums and Destruction of Property

"Dear Mark, my strong-willed daughter seems to have a real hard time adjusting to the fact that if she chooses to leave the house during the 3 day grounding, the 3 days start over. On her second day of grounding she had a half-day of school but instead of coming home she went out with friends. When she came home I informed her that her three days would start over because she chose not to come right home from school. She had a HUGE fit - and preceded to trash the whole house. 

She left but came back two hours later and proceeded to continue her tantrum (turning on every light in the house, demanding that I give her stuff back NOW, hitting, and throwing stuff at me). I told her if she did not stop I would call the police. Well needless to say I had to call the police and had her charged with disorderly conduct and property damage. My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me? During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served."

First of all, I want to say GREAT JOB! You are a good example of the type of parent I can enjoy working with, because you are working the program as intended. And I know it was tough for you to call the cops on your daughter.

Re: My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me?

Since she already received a consequence in the form of legal ramifications that she will have to answer to eventually, I wouldn’t heap on another consequence by insisting she clean up. If she hadn’t had the cops called on her and been charged – it would be a different story.

Re: During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served?

Again, she’s already had a consequence. Of course the wheels of justice turn slowly though, so she will not feel the total impact of the consequence for some time.

Issue the following warning: “In the future, when you have a 3-day-discipline and you choose to break the law by throwing things at me and tearing up the house, you’ll choose the consequence – I will call the police again AND go to Juvenile Probation to file a complaint. Then you can answer to the Judge. Your choice!”

In the event she has another similar temper tantrum, follow through with your stated consequence.

I’m glad the tail is not wagging the dog in your house anymore.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We have good days and not so good days...

Hey Mark,

We have been plugging along since M got out of the youth home 1/3/08. He is in intensive probation and meets with PO every week either @ school or @ our home. Also can't to go to counseling once per week. He is supposed to meet with the referee once per month also--more like every 6 wks though. He does have a court date May 6 for the fighting incident (btw, was charged with "robbery armed" since one on the boys picked up money off the ground that belonged to someone else. We decided to obtain the services of an atty for this, as we are fine with "assault with a weapon" or similar, but not robbery armed, which also is not dropped when an adult. This is his last assistance, as he was 16 at the time--[now 17 and considered an adult in MI] and we can feel good knowing we gave him every opportunity to try to turn his life around). He has not missed school (was late 2x I believe about 10minutes) and is now pulling 5 A's and 1 B+. Has a girlfriend that we like well enough, still has a job, and is usually home on time (if late usually less than 10 minutes). As you know and have taught us, we have good days/weeks and not so good days/weeks.

We have taken away his cell phone, computer, use of the car for misuse of these. This is when he still tries to bully us/swear/negotiate/threaten etc. but for the most part we have been very firm. He did sign a "contract" for both the phone and car use.

What I need help with though are the "get to it later" stuff and the not so major stuff. Examples:

1) swearing--I am getting VERY tired of the "F______ B____" used when he gets angry and now any profanity mixed in conversation. I would say this is increasing since we have not been reacting to it. We have a 10yr old and his friends over and this is NOT appropriate. I need some idea(s) of consequences for this.
2) having the girlfriend in the bedroom. Usually under blanket cuddling and tries to have lights out. I have come straight out and told them it is not appropriate/respectful and is uncomfortable for those around. (btw--20 yr old brother has his g'friend in room but usually not on the bed together and NEVER covered up, etc.)
3) eats in bedroom, cooks and leaves stuff everywhere,
4) very slipshod on chores
5) starting to NOT call when he gets somewhere like we've asked (he usually is where he is supposed to be but it is a safety issue)
6) joining us for some family time

Any ideas on consequences/motivators would be great.

Also, fyi--his "best friend" that he makes bad decisions with has been committed to a psych hospital by his Dad for 2 weeks, and last week a horrific accident claimed the life of a very close friend and 2 other friends, with the driver still in the hospital (all 4 together in the truck).


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Teenage Son Refuses To Go On Vacation With The Family

"Our son is refusing to go on vacation with us (me, my wife, two other teenage boys). We have planned this for some time now. He says we can't make him go - he wants to spend the week with his friend (who is a bad influence). What can we do? I'm worried he will come up missing on the day of departure."

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