Poor Academic Performance - Part 2

Mark,

I understand that I need to let go of micro-managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance?

C.

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Hi C.,

First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself.

Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or schoolwork, or some combination thereof. In the event he refuses to do either, then revert to the 3-day-discipline outlined in the eBook.

The above recommendation is based on the assumption that (a) your son has a history (i.e., at least 6 months) of “poor academic performance” and (b) “poor academic performance” is a major source of parent-child conflict.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this?

Hi K.,

Please look for the arrows throughout your email: ==>

On Tue, May 13, 2008 at 6:57 AM, K___ wrote:

Hello.

I purchased your e-book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home, which has revolved around my oldest daughter, now 13, for years.

I'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email. Please tell me where I can find these.

==> Here's the link back to your original download site: My Out-of-Control Teen: eBook Download Site

When you get to that page, click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook.

Also, is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency. He has said he will take a completely "hands off" attitude with Amanda (our daughter) and allow me to try this program, but I am afraid his negative attitude towards it will only give her ammunition to use against me, and that, like so many other things I have tried, this too will fail.

==> Yes it is very possible. However, a weaker plan support by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.

I can't fail again when it comes to regaining control. I'm at my wit's end. More days than not, I find myself wishing I could just run away and leave her for her dad to deal with. But I don't. I love her and keep trying every day to work with her. I'm a stay-at-home mom and her dad works 12 hour days and only sees her a few minutes a day. It is so frustrating to be told day in and day out that I'm doing it all wrong when he can't even deal with her the little bit of time he spends with her! So, please, if it is going to require BOTH me and her dad to work this program, tell me now so I can try to find another alternative.

==> I would also suggest that you and your husband divide up areas of responsibility and agree beforehand which one of you will have the final word in each particular area. You can then explain to your children which one of you will have the final word in each situation. If disagreements occur (as they inevitably will) you can discuss them in private. In front of your children, however, it will be clear who has the final word.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

My Daughter Is Refusing To Go To School

 Dear Mark, Thank you for your insight and for the help you offer. My daughter has problems with "school refusal". She is 15 and in ninth grade and we are in the last month of school. She has missed so much school and is now behind in her work with the threat of not getting credit for the year's work. She has been in a mental health facility for evaluation, (last week -- for seven days) getting new meds for severe depression, and getting her diabetes (high blood sugars) under control. (she has had diabetes since age 2). When Monday came around and it was expected of her to return to school (after two full weeks of absences) she would not get out of bed (again...same repeated behavior as before......... and then she sleeps all day for days). 

I went to the school and met with counselors, teachers, administrator etc and they have been very generous by sending home all of her work to complete at home -- just to finish out the month of May and get her credits. This is a wonderful generous offer from the school and now she will not have to attend school except to take tests. So when I (awakended) her and presented her with the good news of permission to finish the next three weeks on her own, she mumbled something and managed to get out of bed. 

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I told her she could come up with her own plan of study by making a daily schedule to follow. (she thrives on structure; but she wants to make her schedule so I gave her that choice so she could feel that she had some control of the home study. (She has a time limit on making up work placed by the school....so time is of the essence) When I returned to the living room she was in front of the TV and I reminded her that she needed to be productive and get busy, and she said "not now" and kept watching TV. I told her she had to turn off the TV and get started with her school work, even if just planning her study sessions. She said, "I can start tomorrow" and ignored me. Well, I don't think she should be the one to decide "when" to start school with her being so behind. I got the TV control and blocked all TV watching with parental controls. She said "fine, I'll just sleep then" and went to bed again and has been asleep ever since. 

I have already taken away her cell phone and computer too .......from past episodes of disobedience or defiance. She doesn't care about her friends, so she says I can ground her for life or whatever, because she does not care. She has been sleeping for days and days until I had her hospitalized last week. She came home from the hospital with a new attitude. I was ecstatic. But come Monday morning, we're back in the bed....ignoring all responsibilites etc. This is her way of rebelling against my authority and ignoring my instructions. I have quit nagging, I promise. So now she just lays there. I am a single parent and the only authority figure in the home. I do I get her engaged into her own life again. K.

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Hi K.,

First of all, I would caution you NOT to rush things. Please only do one session a week.

Having said that, school refusal, school avoidance, or school phobia, are terms used to describe the signs or anxiety a school-aged child has and his/her refusal to go to school. School refusal can be seen in three different types of situations, including the following:

· Distress

The final type of school refusal is seen in children who are truly distressed about leaving their parent and going to school. Usually, these children enjoy school but are too anxious about leaving their parents to attend.

· Fear

Older children may have school phobia based on a real fear of something that may happen to them at school, such as a bully or a teacher being rude. In this situation, it is important to talk with your child to determine what is causing his/her fears.

· Young children going to school for the first time

This is a normal type of school refusal. This develops with a child's normal separation anxiety, or uneasiness about leaving a parent figure. This type of fear usually goes away within a few days of the child attending school.

Since every child is unique, each situation will be handled on an individual basis. The following are some of the interventions that may be used to help your daughter:

· A referral to a child psychologist or psychiatrist may be necessary.

· Allow the child to speak and talk about her concerns and fears.

· Consider family counseling if other problems exist.

· Return the child to school. Make sure the school officials understand the situation and do not send the child home for the wrong reasons.

· Slowly separating the parent from the child in school may also be used. One approach is to have the parent sit with the child in the classroom at first, and then the parent may attend school, but sit in another room. Next, the parent may continue to get farther away.

Alternatively, you may want to consider an alternative school. Although you may be hard-pressed to document why your daughter needs to be in the alternative school now (as opposed to staying on the waiting list), I suggest that you request a core evaluation for her as guaranteed by federal law for any public school child who may have learning disabilities or special needs that warrant an alternative and/or specialized educational plan.

In your daughter's case, if you can provide convincing psychiatric documentation that she cannot be educated in this school system due to the stress she experiences, you may be able to have her placed in the alternative school as a result of her condition being deemed an educational special need. Get a therapist who has experience advocating for kids in this situation -- his testimony and reputation will play a major role in this plan.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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