Poor Academic Performance - Part 1

Mark,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was thinking of calling you today. Your 2 assumptions are 100% correct.

The Xbox is new in our home (long story of resistance by the parents, son earned the money to purchase it). The privilege will be tied at least in part to grades (or at least effort in school) next year. By the time the XBox arrived in our home, the grades were too far gone to be salvaged for this year. Looking back, we should have insisted, as you suggest, that he at least spend time on school work, rather than insisting that he bring his grades up - which was utterly futile and only added fuel to the fire. As it stands now, he is limited to 1 hour/day on school days and 2 hours/day on non-school days, and chores must be done first. His daily chores are to walk his dog and wash up the evening dinner dishes (we have no dishwasher). This part is working OK. In total he spends about 45 minutes per day on these chores. So in that sense, he is earning his Xbox privilege. However, he has had those two chores for several years, so there is not a clear connection between them and the Xbox. They are simply his chores. They're expected and they're done. We just don't have any sort of handle on the school situation. He has an IQ of 146 and scored a 32 on the ACT as a sophomore, but doesn't give a hang about school. It's all "beneath him". Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?

[Also, it may be helpful to know that he has a "borderline" diagnosis of ADD and of ODD. His executive function skills are very poor and he also previously an LD label for dysgraphia (we think we shouldn't have allowed that to be de-classified.]

Thank you ever so much for all you do to help parents make it through the turbulent teen years.

Best,

C.

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Hi C.,

Re: Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?

Absolutely. Let go of ownership of your son’s poor academic performance. As long as you take responsibility for it – he won’t! Conversely, the less responsibility you take, the more he will take.

As far as your job goes, you want to do the following:

1. Let him know that his schoolwork is HIS job and that you are not going to take responsibility for it any longer.

2. If teachers attempt to recruit you as a co-teacher, tell them to call you if the issue is behavioral, otherwise it’s his problem now.

3. Ask to see report cards, but simply to show your son that you are interested in is school life – not to reprimand or take back ownership.

4. Continue to make periodic statements such as “you’ve got what it takes” …“I know you’re more than capable” …etc.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Poor Academic Performance - Part 2

Mark,

I understand that I need to let go of micro-managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance?

C.

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Hi C.,

First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself.

Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or schoolwork, or some combination thereof. In the event he refuses to do either, then revert to the 3-day-discipline outlined in the eBook.

The above recommendation is based on the assumption that (a) your son has a history (i.e., at least 6 months) of “poor academic performance” and (b) “poor academic performance” is a major source of parent-child conflict.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this?

Hi K.,

Please look for the arrows throughout your email: ==>

On Tue, May 13, 2008 at 6:57 AM, K___ wrote:

Hello.

I purchased your e-book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home, which has revolved around my oldest daughter, now 13, for years.

I'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email. Please tell me where I can find these.

==> Here's the link back to your original download site: My Out-of-Control Teen: eBook Download Site

When you get to that page, click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook.

Also, is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency. He has said he will take a completely "hands off" attitude with Amanda (our daughter) and allow me to try this program, but I am afraid his negative attitude towards it will only give her ammunition to use against me, and that, like so many other things I have tried, this too will fail.

==> Yes it is very possible. However, a weaker plan support by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.

I can't fail again when it comes to regaining control. I'm at my wit's end. More days than not, I find myself wishing I could just run away and leave her for her dad to deal with. But I don't. I love her and keep trying every day to work with her. I'm a stay-at-home mom and her dad works 12 hour days and only sees her a few minutes a day. It is so frustrating to be told day in and day out that I'm doing it all wrong when he can't even deal with her the little bit of time he spends with her! So, please, if it is going to require BOTH me and her dad to work this program, tell me now so I can try to find another alternative.

==> I would also suggest that you and your husband divide up areas of responsibility and agree beforehand which one of you will have the final word in each particular area. You can then explain to your children which one of you will have the final word in each situation. If disagreements occur (as they inevitably will) you can discuss them in private. In front of your children, however, it will be clear who has the final word.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen