I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom...

Hi Mark,

I just want to write you a quick note to vent (a little, since you are an understanding audience) and let you know that you have already opened my eyes to the dependent relationship with myself and my daughter. Wow, the part about wanting to fight with me and that actually gives her a sort of distorted acknowledgment is sort of disturbing and relieving at the same time. I have often felt that she deliberately picks fights with me to get me going but I thought I was making it up in my mind because I was becoming resentful. I want my daughter to be happy but I understand now that the relationship I've created is causing her to be act they way she acts.

By the way...I am an over-indulgent parent with both things and freedom.

I will let you know how things go.
Best regards,
S.

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Hi S.,

I'm glad you are getting some insight into what is going on. Thanks for being open to new ways of thinking.

Stay in touch,

Mark

Online Parent Support

Our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long...

Hi K.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

My husband and I have been taking your online seminar and found it to be very helpful. Our son will be 18 in October. He's never cared about school and has become more and more defiant in the past few years. I would describe his behavior as passive aggressive. He'll say what you want to hear but then do something totally different. He says he will continue high school when he's 18 but I doubt it very much. He wants, wants, wants, but has not motivation behind any of it. He's had a little trouble with drugs but I don't think he is abusing drugs.

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After taking your seminar, we found our biggest mistake was grounding him for too long. He kept screwing up so we just kept adding to his grounding. After awhile, he just ignored anything we said. The 3-day grounding rule helped a little bit, but basically he would get off grounding for a day or so then screw up again.

==> He only "screws up" if he repeats the original offense. Please refer to Session #3 and have another peak at the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid."

That's the cycle we're in right now. But our relationship still has improved because of your recommendations for daily positive affirmations, etc.

I would like your advice in how to handle our latest problem. We discovered over the weekend that our son had stolen $60 from my purse and we have seen some indications that he may be buying and selling marijuana with a group of friends. I've told him that he must pay back every penny of what he took (by doing chores, which will take him sometime to do because he only does chores when he wants something.) I'm not sure if I should go to the police. I can't prove any of this although I believe he has taken money before but can't be absolutely sure. He's had a few minor run-ins with the police already – trespassing on schools grounds at night and possession of marijuana. We have an appt with a juvenile probation office this week regarding these problems.

==> If you don't have any hard evidence that he stole money from you, then you really cannot do anything other than take extra precautions in the future (hide your money). Regarding selling/smoking pot: Get some home drug kits. Test him randomly. Involve authorities if he tests positive (otherwise you will inadvertently be grooming him to become a pusher). (It's good that you will be having a talk with Juvenile Probation Officer.)

Mark

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Thanks for the advice. We had been drug testing B____ randomly but not very regularly. You gave me an idea of tying in the probation offices consequences with the drug testing. If they don’t ask for it, I will “volunteer” to drug test him. That will make both of us accountable.

Thanks for all of your online recommendations. It has been very helpful and I review it all the time. I’ll take another look at the section “When you want something from your kid”.

Low-Frustration Tolerance in Defiant Teens

Hi Mark, I was wanting to ask you how we best handle A___'s outbursts of rage and verbal abuse when she is frustrated. She asks for help with a problem (i.e., wrapping a parcel to set up a shop for a game this morning, then refuses to listen to the help to get the parcel wrapped, then starts to scream and abuse us for offering "stupid" help then rips up the paper, throws the sticky tape on the floor and storms off screaming and slamming the doors as she goes). She is then not able to calm herself down for ages and sulks like a 2 year old and this scenario goes on almost every time she can't do something and asks for help. We encourage her and try to get her to do it herself and praise her (on the extremely rare occasion she listens and succeeds) but this just goes on and on and can ruin a whole weekend as it has done yesterday and today.

Click here for my response...