My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20...

I have just completed your 4 weeks programme and trying very hard to implement all the suggestions. I wish we had come across this several months ago.

We seemed to have a happy peaceful family before Christmas, but since then things fell apart. I realise now that we have indulged our two children and that my daughter especially is used to getting her own way.

My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20. She managed to see him for about 2 months before we realised. Once we found out about it, we sat down as a family and discussed it and asked her not to see him because we felt he was too old and not from our part of town, he also has a GBH tag (Has been in trouble for fighting). At first she seemed to go along with it but one day my husband found them together in bed at our home during school time. Discussions, leading to rages followed, and again asked her not to see him. The pressure built up at home and one day she ran away for a night. The police were called and a Child protection Officer came to talk to us all. We had already been in contact with him because of our concerns for our daughter.

The Child protection officer felt there needed to be compromises on both sides and suggested (as he actually knew the man) that perhaps we should let her see him as he is not considered dangerous. So we agreed she could see him, and she still is.

I feel, had we had the strategies in place before, our daughter may not have continued to see him or even gone behind our backs in the first place.

I feel there is an improvement at home now, but as we have agreed to let her see him - can I or should I try and stop it? Or is it too late and we will just have to wait and hope it fizzles out.

I would welcome your advice.

L.

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Hi L.,

One of my juvenile clients, Kaylee (17-years-old) has pretty much only dated older guys. "The guys in my own grade seem immature, and I've known them forever," she once said.

For Kaylee, dating guys a couple years older has meant having boyfriends who own cars, can afford to buy her nice things, and can take her to parties she wouldn't normally go to. It also means instant new friends — his friends.

And Kaylee's not alone. She says most of her friends have dated older guys, too. So does that mean the age gap is no biggie? Well, not necessarily. Some older guys may be more mature, more experienced, and able to drive, but they also come with more expectations, which may also mean more pressure about a lot of things, including sex. In fact, girls who date older guys are much more likely to have unintended pregnancies than those who date guys their own age. And when teenagers have sex with older partners, legal issues may come into play — but more on that later.

Age doesn't make a sleaze. But some guys do date younger girls to control them and to be idolized.

A good way to figure out an older boyfriend's motives is to look at his reputation and how he's treated past girlfriends. Is he just kind and respectful ... or is he kind and respectful and controlling? This may be hard to determine, since control isn't always as obvious as saying "do this" or "don't do that." People can be controlling in ways that are more subtle. Making partners feel like they have to choose between the relationship and family or friends is one way of being controlling. Checking up on them constantly, or trying to influence them to act, talk, or dress in certain ways are others.

Tyeria, 17, felt an ex who was three years older took the control in the relationship because she was expected to spend most of her time with his friends — he wasn't into her same-age friends. Kaylee also thought she had less control because all of her older boyfriends seemed to be cooler, and she felt pressured trying to fit in with each new, "cooler" set of friends.

A girl who's hooking up with an older guy needs to think about something else, too — the law. Each state has its own laws governing the age of consent — the age at which a person is considered to be old enough to agree to have sex. States can also have different rules depending on whether it's two girls, two guys, a girl and a guy, or even what kind of sex they are having!

People above a state's age of consent who have sex with people below a state's age of consent can be charged with statutory rape. This is true even if the younger people are willing, because the law says they aren't old enough to legally give consent. "Statutory rape" is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence for the older person.

Hundreds of older men go to jail every year for having sex with younger women. It can happen in same-sex relationships, too. In one recent case in Indiana, an 18-year-old guy was sentenced to 17 years in prison for having sex with a girl who was just a few days shy of turning 15.

So should your daughter run the other way? Not necessarily. But it's a good idea for her to think things through. Who will be in control? What are her expectations? What are his? What are your risks? Could there be legal problems?

It will also be helpful for her to talk things through with someone whose opinions she can trust and value, whether it's her best friend, a sibling, you the parent, or another trusted adult.

When dating older — and for dating in general — it's best to enter the relationship with your eyes wide open.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I had a meltdown screaming at her and swearing...

Hello, I am T___. A colleague has highly recommended your course I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to start.

Although I feel my teen is becoming out of control I am feeling out of control myself. This morning I had a meltdown screaming at her and swearing, I am so angry with myself and I know I did more damage than good, I need to learn myself how to control how I react, I am going to sign up for the course but am wondering if I might need to counselled myself or maybe together with my daughter.

Regards,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...I might need to counseled myself.

You will find a bunch of "parent's anger management" suggestions throughout the eBook.

You've come to the right place!

Mark

Online Parent Support

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me?

Hi Mark

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me? I mean he never talks nice. It is “get me this” …and “do this.”

He is 14 almost 15. He says to me that he is a teenager and that I don't understand what a teenager goes through. Little does he realize, that I have been there too!! Example: He ask me to buy him a xbox 360 yesterday and I answer him no because all he want everyday is to buy games, or whatever. And he does nothing around the house, and I mean nothing, Garbage, blue box putting his clothes away is all we ask, and he does nothing so I am fed up and I don't feel he deserves anything as he does nothing. Finally after seeing his clothes still in the basket in his room after 3 days I get pissed off and tell my husband to get on his case, But when I do that my husband has a fit and tells me that I cannot control MY KIDS, (his kids too.) Anyway my son will then do it as my husband tells him to do it. Anyway getting back to how he speaks to me. He said tome after I told him no to the game, I hate you, you are so fucking me, You are a stupid parent, and I wish you were dead.

This is how he talks everyday. What or how do I handle this? Keep him in his room indefinitely, HELP.

G.

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Hi G.,

Re: ...son's way of talking to me...

You will want to refer to the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [online version - Session #3] for a detailed method. But let me elaborate a bit here:

The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

How should you handle these outbursts? Parents should do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

Six rules for fighting fair—

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your teen, but you can learn how to fight fair. Adhere to the following rules:

• Define what the problem is
• Define how to rectify it
• Don't attack
• Don't belittle
• Don't condemn
• Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

Teens’ Common back talk: "Leave me alone!" and "It's all your fault!"

How to respond: Beware -- they may look like grown-ups, but teenagers are not completely rational. They think differently than adults and children, and often feel they're invulnerable. Be concerned about their responses and listen to them. Help them to see that you're on their side. If they say they want to be left alone, back off but don't give up. Take a more subtle approach. Write them a note without attacking or blaming, and say that you'd like to hear back from them. Always keep the dialogue open. Try talking in a lower voice. If you model screaming and shouting, that's what you'll get in return. And remember, you are always the authority in your house; you can set limits. As parents, you cannot be friends with your children, but you can still treat them in a friendly way.

My Out-of-Control Teen