Her grades have gone from B's to F's...

My 15 year old daughter has had years worth of problems being accepted by her peers (she was diagnosed with ADHD at age 12). This past summer, she earned enough money to buy her own cell phone and pays a monthly fee for unlimited texting. Her grades have gone from B's to F's. I think she has become addicted to the constant source of contact with peers (regardless of if it is worthwhile, supportive, etc. or not). While I do not micromanage her school work, I have tried to provide incentive. For example, she was told that she could not get her drivers permit without having a 3.0 average. I had her pay for 1/2 of the classroom drivers ed program, but by the time she was 15 1/2 and could get her permit, her grades were all failing and I did not allow her to get the permit until her grades are back to a 3.0. She is continuing to not show any motivation to do anything in her classes. She frequently does not do homework, fails tests and hands in things incomplete, because she says she is busy or too tired. ????? Any suggestions? Thank you!

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Hi Mary,

You are still trying to “manage” her academic performance (by withholding driving privileges and trying to provide incentives).

Whenever you are in doubt about what decision to make, always ask yourself, “Will this foster self-reliance – or dependency in my child?” Clearly, disallowing her to get a driving permit -- and then her license -- fosters dependency (i.e., she has to depend on others for transportation).

It will be helpful for all concerned for you to stop taking ownership of her education – and allow her to get that permit.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

These are difficult kids...

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your reply re things worsening again at home. As far as can tell we are doing about 95% of the things you suggest but I will concede we do miss a thing here and there on reflection. M___ gave her some money ($1) the other day because they had gone down to the sea with friends and were jumping off the local pier which was a bit high. The other dad said to his kids that if they were brave and jumped off, he would give them some money so then A___ wanted some and M___ gave in (she did jump off). I got a bit cross but he said she'd earned it-I disagreed because I thought what she was doing was not actually work.

I am saying no to EVERY request for a material item or privilege and (as you suggest) telling her how she can earn the item whereas M___ I feel is not taking it all to the "nth" degree and she is trying to take hold of the reins again. After a particularly bad week of disrespect and aggravation, I suspended her allowance but have re-instated it as the behavior has improved. She is still not too enthusiastic about chores but is doing some here and there.

I must admit my poker face is perhaps a little strained after a long day and she is possibly seeing how much I can take...I guess I didn't realise that even a tiny slip-up here and there would herald a big relapse... These are difficult kids.

With regard to your ADHD inquiry about A___, I have not had her formally assessed, it was just a feeling I had about her because she is inattentive, hyperactive and immature. I was hoping to avoid medication and try behavior modification in the first instance and your website and e-book appealed to me for these reasons. I listen to your cds in the car a lot and will get back on the computer if we can't get back on track. Thanks for your time!

L.

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Hi L.,

You are indeed a good student and a good parent -- and I appreciate as well as honor that. If I haven't told you before, parents like you give me the inspiration to continue in this line of work.

I have a feeling that you never get too far off track with these parenting strategies. I also have a hunch that you are back on full course now.

And yes ...the intense child brings a whole new meaning to the term "parenting difficulties."

Stay in touch,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

The Insidiousness of Over-Indulgence

Adult consequences that result when one has been raised by an over-indulgent parent—

· Attitude toward life: Self-indulgent, bored, apathetic, restless, no initiative.
· Attitude toward others: Passive expectation of getting from others.
· Attitude toward sex/marriage: Attaches to partners who indulge him. May use attractiveness or pretend weakness.
· Attitude toward work: Expects them to anticipate his wishes. Hates to work. Can't find a job. No career decisions, no preparation, or persistence.

As these adults were growing up, here’s what happened:

They were given their freedom to choose and decide for themselves. They were not given much, if any, discipline or rules. Their parents were very loving and nurturing, but had great difficulty saying "no" and setting limits.

Children with this parenting style tend to have more behavioral problems as adults.

Common traits among these children when they grow up:

· Cannot maintain employment or constantly moves from job to job
· Has a strong dependence on alcohol, substances or negative habits
· Has trouble with significant other relationships (possible multiple divorces)
· Immature
· Selfish
· Spoiled
· Take advantage of friends, family, coworkers, etc.
· Uncaring

My Spoiled Teenager