She lies, drinks, smokes, tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money...

My 16 yo daughter has left to live with her bf she lies, drinks, smokes tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money. She wants to live like a 20yo but has no job is with people that are quite often in trouble with the police. I just want her to come home and go back to school. She just wants to do what she wants when she wants and the way she wants. I’ve tried reasoning calmly, getting angry, being tough, making her feel guilty, nothing seems to work, she is just so stubborn about what she wants to do she doesn’t seem to care, about herself, her future or her family. Please help!!!

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Hi N.,

We always want to allow our kids to make mistakes (unless it is life-threatening of course). Making mistakes is the ONLY way a strong-willed child learns. So, to save her from making the mistake of living with her boyfriend also disallows her a learning/growing opportunity.

This relationship with the 20-year-old is not likely to last very long. Let her know that she is always welcome to return home – BUT under your guidelines/rules – not hers. Draft a contract soon – like later tonight – that lays out in great detail what will be required of her in order for her to live in your house. Then when (notice I said “when” rather than “if”) she starts whining to you about how her boyfriend is mistreating her and wants to come home – make her sign the contract up front.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have a huge struggle that is brewing...

Mark,

I have posted this on the blog but did not find it. I have a 13-year-old daughter that is a cutter. She is getting help with that. Anyway I have a huge struggle that is brewing. We had a agreement that she could have a cell phone after she raised her F in school, now she has two F's. She is telling me the only thing she wants for Christmas is a cell phone and if I get her one I will be amazed how much her grades will go up because she will be happy and right now she is very unhappy. She hates being home, hates me, and wants to go and live with a friend. Is this battle about the phone worth her leaving the home to a foster home because living at this friend’s is out of the question? I am thinking I will stand my ground on our agreement the first time. Please help!

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Hi A.,

Submissions to the blog go through an editorial review by staff before they are posted. This takes anywhere from 1 to 24 hours. In any event, I see that your post has made it to the blog. You should get some responses from other OPS members.

Re: cell phone. You're right to stand your ground. And as I'm sure you know - a new cell phone will not be any incentive for her to raise her grades.

Re: foster care. That won't be an option for you. Unless you're found to be an unfit mother, the court will not consider placing her in foster care.

You are only a week into this thing -- you have 3 more sessions to go. I'm very sure you will get the answers you need as you digest the material. Be sure to watch all the instructional videos. Email me after you get through the program, and we will trouble shoot on any remaining problems.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have created a little girl who has total control and I have none...

Dear Mark, I just purchased your on line therapy book and after reading the first few pages i just cried and cried. I am a single mum of a wild 14 year old girl. I came from a bad childhood and therefore have parented all wrong !!! all love, attention and gifts etc and as a result i have created a little girl who has total control and I have none. I now suffer extreme depression and anxiety and have contemplated ending my life. Listening to your audio is giving me strength and confidence to turn this all around. Thank you so much for your program... you are like an angel that has come from nowhere. Once again thank you.

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