How to Keep Teens from Dropping-Out of High School

Teen: “School sucks. I’m not going anymore!”
Mother: “What!?” 

Teen: “I hate school …I quit!!”
Mother: “You can’t just quit, Michael!!” 

Teen: “Why not? People quit and get a GED all the time!!!”
Mother: “You have to finish high school. You don’t want to work at McDonald’s the rest of your life.”
Teen: “Whatever… I'm quitting, and you can't stop me.”

Whether your adolescent is being bullied at school or is struggling with classes, dropping-out of school should never be an option. Statistically speaking, high school drop-outs earn approximately $260,000 less than those who have their diploma and cost the U.S. over $319 billion in lost wages over the course of the drop-out’s lifetime. High school drop-outs often struggle to find happiness because, in most cases, career choices are relegated to low-income jobs with no advancement. The best way to keep an adolescent in school is through support, motivation and letting him/her see firsthand what would happen if he/she decided to quit.

Here are some important tips to keep your teenager in school until graduation:

1. Are serious problems occurring in the home (e.g., abuse, financial distress, grief, illness, etc.)? If so, these issues will need to be addressed first.

2. Ask each teacher to provide a customized solution as to how he/she can help your teenager in the classroom.

3. Be present in your adolescent’s life. Supporting and celebrating victories is important to keeping a teen in school. The at-risk adolescent needs a cheerleader to promote and raise him/her up when he/she does well. Also, you need to be able to help pick your adolescent up and find solutions when failure occurs in order to teach resiliency and tenacity. A consistent, loving role model who lets the adolescent know that he/she isn’t in this alone will help the student find the courage to continue with his/her education.

4. Bright and gifted adolescents sometimes advance beyond the level of their classes in some or all areas. Depending on talents and personality, they may also learn better in less structured environments. Sometimes the best solution for this is to find a college with an early entrance program and let the adolescent complete high school concurrent with freshman year. Switching to college is not dropping out!

5. Bullying is a serious epidemic that can destroy an adolescent’s life. Bullying is not limited to physical assault on or off school grounds, but can also be through gossip and slander in social media channels. Investigate to make sure your teenager is not being bullied (in silence).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Consider your adolescent's support structure. Is there a stable grown-up who supports your adolescent? Does your adolescent come from a family that values education - or has a mom or dad somehow diminished the value of having a high school diploma? Sometimes there is a cultural issue where there is a fear that an adolescent that is educated beyond the abilities of other family members will stop identifying with their cultural roots. This type of pressure can be very intense. In the United States, your adolescent is under the age of 18, the mom and dad must sign the teen out of school and agree to allow him/her to drop-out. Your adolescent’s support system has a considerable influence on whether he/she finally drops out or not.

7. Consult with a professional. Before you can create a strategic plan, you have to dig deeper into why your adolescent wants to drop-out. Meet with the guidance counselor at the school to pinpoint the reason and then investigate what has been done to remedy the situation. For example, if your adolescent has been struggling with academics, determine if he/she has been tested for a learning disability or ADHD. Explore tutoring options. Often a student who struggles in class responds very well to one-on-one learning. If the guidance counselor provides little or no assistance, consult with a child psychologist to have your adolescent evaluated.

8. Design a collaborative mission, including short and long term goals to engage your teen and help him/her progress.

9. Find good sources of relaxation for your adolescent. While it's important for him/her to do well in school, it's also important for you to provide a little relaxation time for your adolescent so he/she doesn't get overwhelmed.

10. Identify why your adolescent wants to drop-out of school. For an adolescent to want to drop-out of school, the reason(s) have to be pretty serious. If you can first get to the root of the problem, you can start to cultivate a solution that may work to help keep him/her in school.

11. If teenagers need to drop-out because of a severe unsolvable issue like bullying, teenage pregnancy, or a serious medical condition, they should be encouraged to get a GED. Adolescents can still go to college and get a career with a GED certificate if regular high school will not work. Education and a teen’s well-being should come first rather than where they studied.

12. If your adolescent is extremely unhappy, consider transferring him/her to a new school or providing alternate schooling options. As a mother or father, you can effectively counter your adolescent dropping out by providing alternative schooling, community collaboration, or career education.

13. Invite your child to take part in the strategic plan and provide feedback about what might be helpful to him/her in the classroom.

14. Is the adolescent constantly in trouble with school officials and/or law enforcement? Students who are often in trouble may be hiding a deeper reason why they are acting-out.

15. Is your adolescent constantly struggling to keep up with the rest of the class and often receives poor or failing grades? Has any type of intervention been performed, or has the student fallen through the cracks? Parents may need to get their child on an IEP if there have been no previous interventions.

16. Making educators aware that your adolescent is at risk will provide them with information to offer more support in the classroom.

17. Meet with administrators to develop a strategic plan. Once you’ve determined the reason and have researched previous efforts (if any) to help, meet with the adolescent’s team of educators to obtain feedback and create a plan. Don't put the blame on the school or the educators. Keep it positive. Everyone needs to feel like they are on the same side.

18. Set up a schedule to meet with educators and your teen on a regular basis (weekly, monthly or quarterly depending on the progress).

19. Several common reasons an adolescent could drop-out range from school insecurity, not keeping tabs on school work, family turmoil or drug problems. So, research, research, research! Find out what’s going on behind the curtain.

20. Unfortunately, many adolescent girls drop-out of school in order to care for their newborn or young child. In this case, parents should do some research on what services are available in the community for the teen mothers.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing with Defiant Children Who Refuse to Cooperate

"Any ideas on how to deal with a 7 y.o. son who does not do what he's told to do - even with the simplest of requests? He's the youngest of 4, and by far the most stubborn."

You have just told your youngster to do something (e.g., “Michael, turn off the TV and get ready for bed”), and he blatantly responds with something like, “No” or “You can’t make me.”

When defiant kids say, “You can’t make me,” they are asserting their control and challenging yours. They are silently hoping that you will rise to the challenge and try to control them. Like it or not, they are right. Parents can’t make children do anything against their will.

These kids are also upping the ante by challenging parents to come up with some consequence that will mean something to them. The “test” is to show parents their own powerlessness, and these kids will often laugh in the face of any consequences parents might use, even if at a later time they might wish they hadn’t.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to get kids to cooperate:

1. Kids who ask something like, “What are you going to do about it?” are not so much interested in your answer as they are in trying to prove how incapable you are of controlling their behavior. A good response to this question might be, “You are trying to decide if it’s worth it for you. That lets me know that you are in control and are choosing whether or not to behave. That means you’re also choosing to accept whatever the consequences are.”

2. Rarely, if ever, tell the youngster what the consequences will be for non-compliance, because (a) it generally doesn’t make a difference to them, and (b) vague consequences can serve to keep them emotionally off balance. Kids who are defiant don’t like uncertainty, and they are often more likely to make a decision to control their behavior if they don’t know what will happen. You could say, “Because you are telling me you’re in control, and it sounds like you’re just trying to see what will happen, is it worth it for you to act-up just to see what the outcome will be?”

3. Remain calm. Parents who can't control themselves can’t control the youngster or be in control of a situation. Remember that while your blood is reaching the boiling point, your youngster's may be also. Once that happens your youngster is no longer thinking clearly. Most efforts at talking and teaching will be a waste of time and energy. Defuse the situation as calmly and rationally as possible. To find a compromise with your youngster that will get the situation under control is not giving up control. You don't have to win every battle to win a war. After the situation is finished and everyone is calm, there will be time to talk about the situation and to agree on a consequence for what happened.

4. Acknowledge your child’s upset feelings when he’s mad. For example, the parent can say something like, "Ouch! That hurt my ears. I don't scream at you like that, please don't scream at me. I can see you are really upset to use that tone of voice. What can I do to help you?”

5. You can consciously choose to avoid getting into a power struggle. You might generally agree with the youngster by saying something like, “You are absolutely right. I can’t make you. The only person who can control you is you. I hope you make a good decision for yourself.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Avoid constant arguments and threats by using a system similar to the ones used in residential treatment programs. Set up a board that lists five or more levels of behavior and associated privileges. The middle level should be for acceptable behavior, next level up for effort at improvement, and highest level for exemplary behavior. The level below middle should be for demotion when the youngster misbehaves while the lowest level should be reserved for serious violations of house rules including not complying with the privileges associated with a certain level or demotion for misbehavior after being on the next to lowest level for prolonged periods. Here’s an example of this system:

Level 5—

• Requirements: Helpful without being asked. Follows all rules. 
• Privileges: 2 hours TV, 2 points/day, 1 hour video games, 1 hour later bedtime.

Level 4—

• Requirements: Helpful when asked. Follows rules well. 
• Privileges: 1½ hours TV, 1 point/day, 3/4 hour video games, 1/2 hour later bedtime.

Level 3—

• Requirements: Good behavior. Needs reminders to complete chores and follow rules. 
• Privileges: 1 hour TV, 1/2 hour video games, regular bedtime.

Level 2—

• Requirements: Some misbehavior. Requires frequent reminders to complete chores and follow rules. 
• Privileges: 1/2 hour earlier bedtime, 1/2 hour TV, no video games, must complete chores and schoolwork before play.

Level 1—

• Requirements: Severe infraction of rules. Unacceptable behavior. Fighting. Refusal to cooperate after warnings. Not complying with privileges for level. 
• Privileges: Grounded. No after school activities. No telephone. No plans with friends. No TV. Lose all points.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Defiant Teens Play One Parent Against The Other: Tips For Divorced Parents

Scenario: Kylee is 16-years-old. Her parents are divorced. She spends the weekends with her dad and stepmother. Unfortunately, her biological parents are not on the same page with respect to parenting styles and disciplinary techniques. Her mom is rather permissive (i.e., few rules, few consequences for breaking rules), but her dad is somewhat authoritarian (i.e., a lot of rules, serious punishment for breaking the rules).

One day before dinner, Kylee’s dad says, “Put your cell phone away. We don’t text while we eat!” Kylee’s retort is, “I don’t have to follow that rule …that’s not a rule at our house (mother’s house). I text whenever I want to at home!”

Then the arguing and yelling between father and daughter begins! You know the rest of the story…

Defiant teens know the value of playing their parents against each other. They learned a long time ago that just because dad has said “no” doesn’t mean mom won’t say “yes.” Many defiant teens of divorced parents constantly point out inconsistent enforcement of the rules by parents, and these teens use this as a rationale for their own behavior. What the defiant teenager is trying to do is make an issue of whether or not her divorced parents are consistent with the rules (rather than focusing on the real issue, which is whether she is choosing to follow or break the rules).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Unfortunately, many parents fall for this. There seems to be an irrational belief that if both parents treat the teenager the same way, she will behave. The total weight of the teen’s behavior is put on the parents, and the responsibility is built on enforcement rather than on compliance.

Although consistent enforcement does help keep the rule in the forefront, inconsistent enforcement neither causes nor excuses inappropriate behavior. The issue isn’t whether the parent is or isn’t being fair or consistent, rather the issue is that the teenager is violating the rule and is looking for someone else to blame.

While a certain amount of manipulation is normal in adolescence, if it occurs constantly, it may indicate underlying familial problems. Teens who frequently pit one parent against the other may be acting-out the tension they feel between their parents. That’s one reason this type of manipulation is especially common among children and teens whose parents are separated or divorced. In divorced families, parents are rarely on the same team, and defiant teens often attempt to use this fracture to their advantage.

Co-parents are often racked with guilt over the failed marriage and the back and forth position the children often find themselves in. Sometimes co-parents are insecure about the family dynamics and make it their goal to be the “favorite” parent. Because of this guilt and/or insecurity, it is very tempting for co-parents to try to please the teenager at all costs, becoming excessively indulgent and ignoring the other parent’s household rules.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

On the other extreme, it is not uncommon for one parent to feel compelled to “lay down the law” in order to keep the teenager “in line.” In the case where one parent is tough and the other parent is soft, the teenager will automatically prefer the softer parent, which also causes huge riffs between the teen and her tougher parent.

Co-parents should work diligently at communicating reasonable expectations regarding routines and household rules in an attempt to get on the same page. If they can’t effectively communicate, or if their parenting styles are not even in the same book, let alone on the same page, they need to arm themselves with some appropriate responses to effectively combat the teen’s manipulative tactics. One way to do this would be to acknowledge to your teen that you understand that there are different rules at the other parent’s house, but while she is at your house, she must follow your rules – no exceptions.

Your teenager will be reassured when you fail the “test” she is putting you through (i.e., trying to guilt-trip you into being more like the softer parent). Children need to feel secure. Children seek predictable limits. It is safe to say that, if your teenager is constantly playing you against the other parent, she is feeling insecure and needs some reassurance that you care more about parenting her than you do about fighting with the other parent.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents