Son Abuses Mother

"My son is 15 …his dad and I were divorced when he was 9. Apparently my son feels that I am an emotional wreck and would never be able to live without him so has moved to his dad's quite a few times since then. I have to admit, he is my whole life and I have not always done the best job of parenting, making him EVERYTHING to me. I had the usual guilt feelings of the divorce and tried to compensate by giving him everything as well as his dad doing the same. He is spoiled (for lack of a better word) and has never had to work for anything.

For the last few months, he has been extremely angry with me and has told me that he would love for me to kill myself, has never liked me and even leaves messages on my phone when I refuse to deal with his abuse. I have made it clear that he will not live with me until he learns to respect me, however he turns everything around so that it's my problem, he's done nothing wrong.

I have told him that I admit that I haven't been a perfect parent but that I would try to do my best. Too little too late? I don't know. Bottom line, how do I apply the lessons in your book to my situation when he doesn't want to be with me at all?

My son has also been using drugs, pot and not sure what else, I've been told possibly oxycontin. He has been picked up for shoplifting and also has a harassment report concerning a former friend of his.

I'm so afraid for him and his well-being. His dad is not on the same page. Please help. Can I still be involved in his life when he is not here and hating me so much? I'm feeling so helpless."

First of all, I want to congratulate you for refusing to allow him to disrespect you. I cannot tell you how important this is (even though it does put you in the position of being the “bad guy”). Your son doesn’t hate you … he’s just pissed that he can’t control you. I’m guessing that his dad enjoys the position of “good guy” and employs an over-indulgent parenting style to maintain that status.

You’re torn between (a) how do I get my son to respect me and (b) how do I maintain a quality relationship with him (i.e., one that I enjoy; one in which I feel loved, appreciated and bonded). Unfortunately, you will not be able to have both of these. You will have to decide which is more important: (a) modeling for your son that it is not O.K. to disrespect women, or (b) spoiling your son so that he gets his way, and as a result, is less hostile.

Now …you know what I’m going to say at this point.

If we were concerned about what’s in the best interest of your son in the long run (which we are), then you would be willing to sacrifice a warm, fuzzy relationship with your son for a valuable life lesson, which is “women will not allow you to abuse them, emotionally or otherwise.” This revelation will come in real handy for him some day.

Should you terminate the relationship with your son if he continues to be abusive? Possibly. When you "terminate the relationship," you're not saying to your child, "Hey ...I don't love you anymore, and I never want to see you again." Rather, you are sending a clear, verbal message that "as long as you choose to use abusive language and threats, I choose not to be around you."

You could include the comment, "whenever you decide to stop using abusive language and threats, I'd love to spend time with you" (tough love that, in many cases, is equally tough for the parent). In those cases where the child does not have the luxury of going to live with the other parent, you have to adopt a different approach obviously (which is discussed in the ebook).

I have had many mother-clients who told their abusive sons that they either (a) refrain from abusive language and threats, or (b) pack it up and go live elsewhere. But this is a decision that you -- and you alone -- can make. I’m not suggesting it at this point (unless it feels right in your gut).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teenage Son Is Doing "Great" While Living With His Dad?

Hi Mark, As you may remember, my son has been at his dad's for over a week. His Dad has told me that he's doing great, says he's not doing pot anymore, catching up on internet homework etc. The mom in me is happy about that however am wondering how this could happen so quickly. Could dad be falling for a line of crap? I miss him terribly and am very hurt that all this has happened, I really want my child back, happy and healthy; in your experience, has the relationship with a parent and child ever been mended? I'm so afraid I've lost him forever. I know I have to work on myself and gain respect. This is all SO hard. ~ T.

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Hi T.,

Re: Could dad be falling for a line of crap?

==> Probably.

Re: In your experience, has the relationship with a parent and child ever been mended?

==> I’ve lost track of the number of incidences similar to yours. It usually goes like this:

• 18-year-old has been over-indulged most of his life 
• 18-year-old moves out – or is kicked out – after a terrible ugly scene 
• 18-year-old goes several months without any contact with parent due to a bad case of resentment flu 
• After 3 – 12 months, the now young adult has recovered from his resentment flu and has gained some knowledge of how the “real” world operates (for the first time in his life) 
• By virtue of (a) time away from the parent and (b) emotional maturation (i.e., the emergence of personal and behavioral characteristics through growth processes), the young adult returns to the parent-child relationship in the emotional and communicational sense (he sometimes returns physically – living with the parent again – in those cases where he was unable to function independently; a failure to launch)

Things are never as BAD as they seem, so don’t adopt the mistaken belief that you will never have a relationship with your son again.

Also, things are never as GOOD as they seem, so don’t be surprised if you get a call from your son’s dad regarding problems with your son (although, it’s very possible that your son’s dad will cover-up any difficulties in order to (a) “save face” and (b) “give the impression” that he can do a better job parenting).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Getting daughter to move out is not going to be a small feat...

Dear P.,

>>>>>>>>>>I can see that you are really trying, and I am very happy to take time to respond to ‘well-thought-out’ questions such as these. Please see below:

We as a family need our daughter to leave this spring, and she has expressed the desire to leave as well. So she will be moving out cause it isn't working for either of us any longer. She doesn't want to live in a dorm, she doesn't have many friends that are going to be around here for college--so no roommates and she doesn't want a studio apartment. She pretty much has eliminated everything that is an option. I want to rent her a room that is next to the college and I think that would fit her needs financially and ours. I am not sure she will go for that either, so how do you go about making this smoothly when your teenager won't discuss an apartment on her own, or a dorm?

>>>>>>>>>> Ask her what she DOES want …if you can’t make that work (whatever it is that she comes up with) on your end -- financially or otherwise -- then she’ll simply have to settle for what she gets. WHEN she has a temper tantrum (because she’s not getting her way), put on your poker face …say I’m not going to argue …walk away …leave the house if you have to …anything. BUT DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY POWER STRUGGLES OVER THIS.

>>>>>>>>>> Allow me to repeat this: (1) Tell her what you can and cannot do to help with college preparations, (2) provide NO intensity when she starts to bitch, moan, groan, whine and complain, (3) take a time-out away from her if you have to. (I can see that you are allowing her to keep you in a constant state of anxiety over this issue – she’s good!)

I am interested in preserving the relationship as much as possible, and I do understand your thoughts there, but this is not a loving child, she is hateful and resentful right now and has been for 2 years! I understand this will change, but how do you be loving and kind to your child when they are mean 24/7?

>>>>>>>>>You don’t …where did you hear me say anything about being “loving and kind”? However, I did say that “in remembering their own experience, parents next have to consider the experience they want to provide their son or daughter.” If this doesn’t include “love and kindness” – so be it.

It is beyond me. If I would have treated my mom like that, I would of been kicked out on my ear with no discussion. Additionally, since I have been applying your suggestions, it has gotten a little worse. You said to expect this, but it has been hard. She isn’t in any danger of running away, but getting her to move out is not going to be a small feat? And she will probably make it a disaster, not us. So what do you do there?

>>>>>>>>> If she wants to “make it a disaster,” that’s her choice – you don’t have to participate in her disaster.

>>>>>>>>>I can’t make you spit …I can’t make you stand on your head …I can’t make you mad …I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. In the same way, your daughter cannot recruit you as a participant in her “disaster” if you choose not too.

I just don’t know how to preserve something more than I already am! I am not trying to blame, but I just don't know how to handle this.

Additionally I didn't see that the oral contract wasn't applied to teenagers--I must of missed that in my readings--so how to you suggest we go about this, since we can't even talk to her about anything without a problem arising. Not one thing! Even day-to-day stuff is a bear to get through. I want to set a date with her and thanks for the feedback that this is feasible...so should I just say, we need you to move out on July 1st, letting you know now, and this is what we can afford to do to help you!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes …and please don’t make it anymore complicated than this!

One last thing--how do I get the sarcasm to stop. I have used some of your one liners and I have to say those are nice, cause she always is smarting off--but it seems when I use some of them she just has another one of top of it and when I leave rooms, she keeps going--what should I do here. I have an 11 year old that is suffering with it and is actually scared of her sister.

>>>>>>>>>> I’m glad you asked, because this gives me an opportunity to clarify the sarcasm thing. For those who don’t know, in the eBook I provide some one-liners you can deliver to your teenager, for example:

· And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
· Do I look like a damn people person?
· Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
· Does your train of thought have a caboose?

…and so on. But these comments should be used only when “things are going right” rather than as a weapon against a smart-mouthed daughter during those times that “things are going wrong.” These one-liners are great to use when you’re searching for some comedy-relief …when you are in a playful in spirit …and when your kid knows you are teasing -- but then and only then. (Thanks P. for providing me with an opportunity to clarify.)

Mark 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents