Runaway Daughter is Smoking Weed

"I have only very recently become a member of the parent support group and although I am still reading the information provided, I am finding it extremely useful as the sorts of behavioural problems mentioned are spot on for my 16 year old daughter, L___. I wondered, however, if you might be able to give me some advice on how to best handle the situation I find myself in with her at the moment.

Three weeks ago, L___ decided that she did not want to stay at home as she didn’t like the house rules and wanted to stay out later and do her own thing as it was more fun, so she went to stay with a friend even though I said no to this and refused to let her go, she went anyway. This continued day after day - each day saying she would come home (and with me asking the parent concerned not to let her stay) however, this has continued and she shows no signs of wanting to come home, and has now 'moved' into her 18 year olds boyfriend’s house with his parents.

L___ does not want me to contact his parents at all and further more the parents have now started paying her to work in their factory. On top of this, and almost my main concern is, that Lauren is due to take her GCSE final exams in May/June of this year but she is refusing to go to school at all as she finds it boring and prefers to earn money from the boyfriend’s factory work. I am also aware that she is smoking weed on a regular basis and has experimented with other drugs in the past, which I believe is also affecting her behaviour. I am understandably extremely worried, upset and concerned.

I am unsure of the right things to say to her or how to best handle this situation to encourage her to want to come back home and stay and to go to school on a regular basis for the last 2/3 months. Lastly if possible to also show some respect to us, her parents, who obviously love her and want the best for her (we are divorced). I believe from the information I have read so far we have been indulgent parents and L___ is a scapegoat. Any advice you can give me would be appreciated."

__________

I often get these types of emails (i.e., child has moved out …not conducting her life as she should …I’ve lost all control in the situation and am terribly worried about her safety …and so on).

I know this is hard on you. However, as you have probably read in my ebook, self-reliance is key. And it sounds like your daughter is beginning to develop some self-reliance as evidenced by the fact that she has left “the nest” and is actively involved in gainful employment.

I understand that things are far from perfect at this time (e.g., she’s put education on the back-burner and may be abusing illicit drugs). Nonetheless, she’s out there trying to ‘make it’ (albeit with help from b-friend and his parents).

A word of encouragement is needed here: I’ve never (as in 0% of the time) met a teenager yet that didn’t, at some point, realize she needs some form of education. So don’t be discouraged about this. Also, be careful not to create a “Romeo and Juliet” phenomenon here (i.e., the more parents try to keep young lovers separated, the more the lovers gravitate toward one another).

I’m sure your daughter knows where you stand with respect to drug use as well as the importance of an education. To repeat your stance on this will be somewhat redundant at this point. But, your house rules still apply. If she wants to live under your roof, she has to play by your rules.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Son Abuses Mother

"My son is 15 …his dad and I were divorced when he was 9. Apparently my son feels that I am an emotional wreck and would never be able to live without him so has moved to his dad's quite a few times since then. I have to admit, he is my whole life and I have not always done the best job of parenting, making him EVERYTHING to me. I had the usual guilt feelings of the divorce and tried to compensate by giving him everything as well as his dad doing the same. He is spoiled (for lack of a better word) and has never had to work for anything.

For the last few months, he has been extremely angry with me and has told me that he would love for me to kill myself, has never liked me and even leaves messages on my phone when I refuse to deal with his abuse. I have made it clear that he will not live with me until he learns to respect me, however he turns everything around so that it's my problem, he's done nothing wrong.

I have told him that I admit that I haven't been a perfect parent but that I would try to do my best. Too little too late? I don't know. Bottom line, how do I apply the lessons in your book to my situation when he doesn't want to be with me at all?

My son has also been using drugs, pot and not sure what else, I've been told possibly oxycontin. He has been picked up for shoplifting and also has a harassment report concerning a former friend of his.

I'm so afraid for him and his well-being. His dad is not on the same page. Please help. Can I still be involved in his life when he is not here and hating me so much? I'm feeling so helpless."

First of all, I want to congratulate you for refusing to allow him to disrespect you. I cannot tell you how important this is (even though it does put you in the position of being the “bad guy”). Your son doesn’t hate you … he’s just pissed that he can’t control you. I’m guessing that his dad enjoys the position of “good guy” and employs an over-indulgent parenting style to maintain that status.

You’re torn between (a) how do I get my son to respect me and (b) how do I maintain a quality relationship with him (i.e., one that I enjoy; one in which I feel loved, appreciated and bonded). Unfortunately, you will not be able to have both of these. You will have to decide which is more important: (a) modeling for your son that it is not O.K. to disrespect women, or (b) spoiling your son so that he gets his way, and as a result, is less hostile.

Now …you know what I’m going to say at this point.

If we were concerned about what’s in the best interest of your son in the long run (which we are), then you would be willing to sacrifice a warm, fuzzy relationship with your son for a valuable life lesson, which is “women will not allow you to abuse them, emotionally or otherwise.” This revelation will come in real handy for him some day.

Should you terminate the relationship with your son if he continues to be abusive? Possibly. When you "terminate the relationship," you're not saying to your child, "Hey ...I don't love you anymore, and I never want to see you again." Rather, you are sending a clear, verbal message that "as long as you choose to use abusive language and threats, I choose not to be around you."

You could include the comment, "whenever you decide to stop using abusive language and threats, I'd love to spend time with you" (tough love that, in many cases, is equally tough for the parent). In those cases where the child does not have the luxury of going to live with the other parent, you have to adopt a different approach obviously (which is discussed in the ebook).

I have had many mother-clients who told their abusive sons that they either (a) refrain from abusive language and threats, or (b) pack it up and go live elsewhere. But this is a decision that you -- and you alone -- can make. I’m not suggesting it at this point (unless it feels right in your gut).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Teenage Son Is Doing "Great" While Living With His Dad?

Hi Mark, As you may remember, my son has been at his dad's for over a week. His Dad has told me that he's doing great, says he's not doing pot anymore, catching up on internet homework etc. The mom in me is happy about that however am wondering how this could happen so quickly. Could dad be falling for a line of crap? I miss him terribly and am very hurt that all this has happened, I really want my child back, happy and healthy; in your experience, has the relationship with a parent and child ever been mended? I'm so afraid I've lost him forever. I know I have to work on myself and gain respect. This is all SO hard. ~ T.

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Hi T.,

Re: Could dad be falling for a line of crap?

==> Probably.

Re: In your experience, has the relationship with a parent and child ever been mended?

==> I’ve lost track of the number of incidences similar to yours. It usually goes like this:

• 18-year-old has been over-indulged most of his life 
• 18-year-old moves out – or is kicked out – after a terrible ugly scene 
• 18-year-old goes several months without any contact with parent due to a bad case of resentment flu 
• After 3 – 12 months, the now young adult has recovered from his resentment flu and has gained some knowledge of how the “real” world operates (for the first time in his life) 
• By virtue of (a) time away from the parent and (b) emotional maturation (i.e., the emergence of personal and behavioral characteristics through growth processes), the young adult returns to the parent-child relationship in the emotional and communicational sense (he sometimes returns physically – living with the parent again – in those cases where he was unable to function independently; a failure to launch)

Things are never as BAD as they seem, so don’t adopt the mistaken belief that you will never have a relationship with your son again.

Also, things are never as GOOD as they seem, so don’t be surprised if you get a call from your son’s dad regarding problems with your son (although, it’s very possible that your son’s dad will cover-up any difficulties in order to (a) “save face” and (b) “give the impression” that he can do a better job parenting).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents