Dealing with Violent Behavior in Your Defiant Child

"My son 'sucker punched' me right in the face. I'm not violent, and to say the least, it really surprised and hurt me (emotionally, he didn't hit hard enough to hurt) ...he is 13. What do I do with this situation?"

There is great concern about the increased incidence of violent behavior among kids and teens. This complex and troubling issue needs to be carefully understood by moms and dads, educators, and other grown-ups.

Kids as young as preschoolers can show violent behavior. Moms and dads who witness the behavior may be concerned; however, they often hope that the youngster will "grow out of it." Violent behavior in a youngster at any age always needs to be taken seriously. It should not be quickly dismissed as "just a phase they're going through!"

Violent behavior in kids and teens can include a wide range of behaviors, for example:

• cruelty toward animals
• explosive temper tantrums
• fighting
• fire setting
• homicidal thoughts
• intentional destruction of property
• physical aggression
• threats or attempts to hurt others
• use of weapons
• vandalism

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Numerous research studies have concluded that a complex interaction or combination of factors leads to an increased risk of violent behavior in kids and teens. These factors include:

• Being the victim of physical abuse and/or sexual abuse
• Brain damage from head injury
• Combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (e.g., poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
• Exposure to violence in media (e.g., TV, movies, etc.)
• Exposure to violence in the home and/or community
• Genetic (i.e., family heredity) factors
• Presence of firearms in home
• Previous aggressive or violent behavior
• Use of drugs and/or alcohol

Kids and teens who have several risk factors and show the following behaviors should be carefully evaluated:

• Becoming easily frustrated
• Extreme impulsiveness
• Extreme irritability
• Frequent loss of temper or blow-ups
• Intense anger

Moms and dads and teachers should be careful not to minimize these behaviors in kids. Whenever parents are concerned, they should immediately arrange for a comprehensive evaluation by a qualified mental health professional. Early treatment by a professional can often help. The goals of treatment typically focus on helping the youngster in the following ways:

• accept consequences
• be responsible for his/her actions
• express anger and frustrations in appropriate ways
• learn how to control his/her anger

In addition, family conflicts, school problems, and community issues must be addressed.

Research studies have shown that much violent behavior can be decreased or even prevented if the above risk factors are significantly reduced or eliminated. Most importantly, efforts should be directed at dramatically decreasing the exposure of kids and teens to violence in the home, community, and through the media. Clearly, violence leads to violence.

In addition, the following strategies can lessen or prevent violent behavior:

• Early intervention programs for violent kids
• Monitoring youngster's viewing of violence on TV/videos/movies
• Prevention of child abuse (e.g., use of programs like parent training, family support programs, etc.)
• Sex education and parenting programs for teens

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Read How This Mother of a Very Difficult Teenage Son Makes HUGE Progress in the "Parenting Department"

Mark,

It has been awhile since I last e-mailed you (middle of June I believe). At that time, our 16yo M______ had gotten into a fight which sent the other person (18yo) to the hospital. We weren't sure what was going to happen. We left 2 days after the fight for vacation visiting relatives in another state. When we got back, we were told that the boy was not pressing charges and M______ would be "off the hook". We almost wished for SOMETHING to happen to possibly instill a different view in our son. He felt justified since he didn't hit first. Anyway, he was home for only 3 days before he left for a month long wrestling camp out of state (we were looking forward to the respite!!) Needless to say, he went against our permission on the first day with driving privileges and lied about it, so could not go anywhere the following 2 days before leaving. He was VERY UPSET and threatening to "just leave anyways" but he did in fact stay home (I credit your program and our following it for this breakthrough). The month long break was great!

First day back, he went out with his buddies, lied about his plans of spending the night at a friends (found out no adults home--against our rules as we don't know the parents very well), and told him he then had to be home at 11:30pm, or they could spend the night at our house. He came home at 12:40 and was not answering his cell phone, had friends lying about which one was bringing him home. He had no cell phone, computer, going out for 3 days. This was a Sat.

No problems in the interim. Was allowed to go out Wed. His Dad let him use the car (remember he is not with the program). M______ was not supposed to have use of the car until he could afford the insurance/gas for it. He was doing some jobs around the house for an agreed upon amount and his part-time job was to start the following week. I guess Dad felt he should try to let him a little freedom and see what happened. Well, he was 9 minutes late the first time (9:30pm), and then Dad let him go out again (I was not home then) and he was 3 minutes late. Our rule is for every 1 minute late, there is a five minute earlier curfew the next outing. So this would be 1 hour early.

Thursday he went out and told to be home 10:15pm. He called and asked if he and his friends could come over to have a bonfire and swim. He was told yes, but HIS curfew was still 10:15pm and they would have to find their own rides home (2 girls and 1 boy--none with licenses/cars). They came over about 9:30pm--his VERY FIRST TIME HOME ON TIME!! He went outside in the front at 11:00pm (we thought just to wait for the girls/boy's rides to show up as he has done many times in the past). Well, his car was then gone! I called him and he said he was taking the girls home (they live locally). He was told NO, curfew was 10:15, he never asked permission to do this and to get home IMMEDIATELY. He did not show up after 15minutes (plenty of time to come home) and now was not answering his phone. His friend finally answered his and said they were at the gas station (not sure if I believe this). They did return about 11:30 and this boy's Mom picked him up shortly after. M______ was again given consequence of no phone, computer, going out for 3 days.

Friday evening we hear him tell his friend on the phone he can't talk or go out as "I'm grounded". Parents are feeling good at this point that maybe he's finally learning. He says he's going outside to play catch with his lacrosse ball/net. Did not think anything of it. Realized he's not in the yard. Husband and I think he's gone up to the local school because there is more room. He does not have use of the car, and his bike is still home. It's starting to get dark, and I drive to the school--he's not there. I don't pass him either. Now of course I'm angry. Finally at 11:30pm he comes strolling in. Notice he's in "going out jeans/shirt". He says "I fell asleep on the bleacher's". We tell him, he was not to leave our property without permission, we believe he went out and his 3 days will restart tonight. I was waiting until 12:00pm to file a "runaway" charge since that is our local curfew for teens, and he came home before then.

Saturday, we had a graduation party to attend about 1/2 hr away. We are extremely close to the family. He knew about this party for months and was even looking forward to going. When it was almost time to leave (Husband not home as he was helping "set up" for the party and we would meet there) M______ said "I'm not going. I kept my poker face and said "yes you are, you've known about this for ages, you are a minor, and it wouldn't be right for our friends for you to not go." He started DEMANDING his phone, etc. and then he would go. I said no. I told him I would call the police if he didn't go. He said Okay, got dressed and then again tried to demand things. I then did call the police. It just so happens our good friend was the Sergeant on duty. He said they could not do anything at that point. He suggested we go, but take away more things, tell him he may not leave the house, file runaway if he did leave and go and try to have a good time. M______ did act like he was leaving, as he ran out of the house, so I told the Sergeant that he was not a runaway (I was still on the phone with him). M______ never left our property and agreed to go. I did tell him the 3 days was starting over and if there was any more defiance (I defined this) that he would have his bed taken out of his room into the basement or living room (he shares with a brother and it has TV/PS2) with no electronics, take away designer clothes, etc.

No problems until Monday. He was told by his Dad he could go out again on Tuesday (I felt Wed, but I didn't push this so we could be more united and he had followed the rules until then). And have use of the car to drive to work. I had a very serious Dr. appt. Tuesday and had told M______ a week ago I needed him to stay home with his brother. He could use the car for work. (I would not let him use it for leisure until debt were paid, but think his Dad was going to let him). Anyway, all hell broke loose Monday night. He stated he was going out Tuesday, would not stay home for his brother. He did not state any specific plans. When told I needed him until work time, he blew a gasket. He started swearing, threatening to leave anyways and felt entitled to the car. He stated he had been "good" (his words) just to be able to go out. Husband and I did lose our cool somewhat, but it was more controlled than usual. I told M______ that he was going to be facing the consequence of no designer clothes, his bed in the living room (no electronics), and to restart the 3 day consequence. We tried to explain how sometimes responsibilities come up that preclude our "fun", but that was life. His older brother STILL asks permission to go out (19yo) and had to watch his sibs many times and unless he was working never told us "No". Things did not get calmer, and he kept using his computer (he had earned this back by now), when asked to put it down to talk, so he was told that we pay for the internet service, the electricity and he would not be able to use that anymore either (the computer was a Christmas gift). 

 

 ==> Help for Parents of Difficult Teens

 

He went into his bedroom and flung all of his drawers out, and dumped all of their contents around the room. He then produced $10 and demanded I go and put gas in the car so he could use it (told no--it was 12:30am and time for parents to be sleeping as we had to work the next morning.). Demanding car keys--told no. Demanding to be allowed to go to grandma's--told to call her and if OK we would drive him, so of course he dropped this idea. Demanding his phone--told no. (House phones had been confiscated earlier). He kept walking outside as if going to leave, and I told him I would report him--so he stayed in the garage, and FINALLY came back in. He also took a rope out of the garage "You're gonna be sorry", I didn't react to this. He then went into the bathroom and was shaking pill bottles around, but came out momentarily. This morning my Excedrin bottle was empty but I believe he flushed them and he seemed to be sleeping/breathing normally this morning. I did not respond to this either.

Well, now I'm at work. I told my youngest to call my cell if his brother does leave. So far, no call. I will not be home until time to take him to work (obviously he has lost permission to use it). He keeps saying "why should I try, I'm good and you just find another way to ground me, I just keep getting grounded". I have turned this back to his responsibility and say "this was YOUR choice", and keep to my guns.

By the way, I did get my husband to at least read the hard copy of your program while M_______ was at camp. While he by no means agrees with it, I think he at least can understand M______ behavior a little better and is willing to go for less time with punishments. Baby steps I always say, as long as they are going forward!!

Since M______ was gone for a month, do you think his behavior has gone backward, or is this the norm? Again, he seems to be breaking/bending the rules as often as before, but is accepting of the consequences (most times) better. Do you think we will see a change soon? I hope so, because it is HARD work and very tiring.

Thanks for being there for all of us parents Mark--I keep telling everyone about your program and how much sense it seems to make!!

Regards, J

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Hi J.,

First of all, I have to say I am so impressed with how you have been handling these situations. Thank you for being such a good student!!! You are working the program the way it is intended. And I will be posting this email on the blog for others to read since this is such a good practical example of how things shake down over time. 

 

Re: …do you think his behavior has gone backward, or is this the norm? 

 

This is the norm. When parents really work the program (like you are), they make 3 steps forward, then go 2 steps back, then 3 forward, 2 back. It is a tough road no doubt, but incrementally, you make progress over the long haul. 

 

Re: …he seems to be breaking/bending the rules as often as before, but is accepting of the consequences (most times) better. Do you think we will see a change soon? 

 

It sounds like he’s a slow learner (or late bloomer). Also, he may be getting some mixed messages since your husband is not totally on the same page with you. But I think you’re doing great overall.

 

What comes to my mind in the way of recommending anything additional is for you to find ways to (a) cultivate some healthy detachment (i.e., not getting wrapped-up emotionally in everybody else’s problems) from both your son and the problems that arise, and (b) pamper yourself (e.g., time for yourself, relaxation, recreation, meditation, etc.). In this way, you will not feel emotionally drained at the end of a bad day (or week). 

 

When you keep your batteries charged-up by taking special care of yourself, you have the strength to keep the pressure on (i.e., wearing your poker face; following through w/consequences, etc.). As a result, you out-will your strong-willed child eventually.

 

You are an inspiration J.,

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Should You Make Your Defiant Teen "Earn" His Way Off Discipline?

Hi L.,

This is Mark, and I’ve responded where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>

Thanks for your answer Mark. I really appreciate how quickly you respond. You must get hundreds of emails every day from desperate parents!

Re the fighting: I understand what you are saying and I agree with your analysis. This is what we did for many years when E___ was very small. I never felt safe leaving the 2 kids alone. The last few days I have been successful in keeping my 'poker face' although i see that I have to work on being consistent and keeping to the said consequence.

Here is a scenario that just played out. My kids say I am being unfair. Could you please give me some feedback and any advice? This afternoon I was taking my kids B___ 11 yo (the intense one) and E___ 7 yo to the grocery store and said we would get an ice cream.

>>>>>>>>>> What did they do to earn this privilege (i.e., ice cream)?

As I stopped for gas they got into an argument and started hitting and punching each other. I have recently put into place a consequence of a half hour in their room for any throwing or physical violence. So I said that we would have to go home so they could have their time out.

>>>>>>>>> So far, so good.

After I finished paying I came back and they were calm and had 'made up' as they called it. (This is where I would usually back down and continue on our way.) I said that was nice but we were still going home which didn't go over well.

>>>>>>> I’m glad you didn’t fall for their con job again. They have discovered if they manipulate you into believing they are not mad at each other, then you withdraw the consequence.

They both started in on the verbal abuse (mostly B___) telling me how stupid and unreasonable I was, how they wished I was dead etc.

>>>>>>>>>> This is a great example of a time when the parent should have the thought “put on my poker face.”

I said if the disrespectful talk did not end they would be choosing to loose their privileges for the evening (computer time/movie night, boom box, trampoline and sprinkler). They did not stop so I said they had chosen to loose their privileges.

>>>>>>>>>> So far, so good.

They continued all the way home but I gave them no more consequences. They asked why I was being so strict, and I said things weren't working well before, I had not been consistent. When we got home they started hitting each other again so they got another half hour in their rooms. Should I have ignored that and left it at one half hour?

>>>>>>>>>>>> I think so. Parents often let their kids dig themselves in a hole they can never get out of. It doesn’t matter if they continued to fight – only give one consequence for that particular behavior.

Think of it this way. Watch how ridiculous the following scenario would be:

- You get pulled over by a cop for speeding
- He asks you how many miles you drove over the speed limit
- You say ‘about 5 miles’
- So he gives you 5 tickets – one for each mile.

Should I have just ignored the disrespectful talk (at home I could walk away or send Beckie for her time out but in the car I couldn't see how to do that) or just taken away one privilege?

>>>>>>>>>>> The disrespectful talk is a tactic to get you sidetracked from the original problem. Put it in the “deal with it later” file. More on this here ==> How Do You Eat An Elephant

Also, if my 11 yo loses privileges for 3 days, should it also be 3 for my 7 yo? I was thinking 1 day would be Ok for his age.

>>>>>>> If each one participates in the same negative behavior, then each should receive the same consequence.

I am also a bit confused about the 'earning your way off ground" in the book. You say to tell the child that they will be off the 3 day ground if they, for example "come home right after school every day this week" or takes the trash out every night. Do you mean just for the days they are grounded?

>>>>>>>>>> They earn their way off ground simply by not engaging in the identified negative behavior. So in your case you can say, “You will be ungrounded at 6:00 PM tomorrow evening if there is no more hitting or punching.” (NOTE: Their verbal attacks against each other should be ignored.)

One more question: Should I be getting strict for everything (i.e., hitting, leaving clothes on the floor, leaving the bathroom a mess, leaving their dishes out) or bring new rules in gradually?

>>>>>>>> Just go in the order that is laid out for you in the eBook:

WEEK #1: do session 1 & session 1 assignments
WEEK #2: do session 2 & session 2 assignments
WEEK #3: do session 3 & session 3 assignments
WEEK #4: do session 4 & session 4 assignments

Good luck. It sounds like you’re mostly on track.

Mark

==> Join Online Parent Support