Show No Emotion When Your Teenager Is Acting-Out: Tips for Parents

GOOD EVENING, I AM ON PAGE 25 of "My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook. I UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG AND THAT HAS PUT ME IN THE PLACE I AM NOW. BOTH MY TEENS KNOW HOW TO BREAK ME AND GET WHAT THEY WANT. I CANNOT KEEP A POKER FACE AND GET VERY, VERY UPSET. NOT SURE IF I AM ABLE TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE DIRECTIONS. WILL BE VERY HARD. ALSO BOTH MY TEENS WILL GO IN A RAGE ATTACK, WHICH I WOULD LIKE MORE INFO ON HOW TO HANDLE THEM. DO YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON RAGE? IT REALLY SCARES ME. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. ~ T.

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Hi T.,

I respectfully disagree with you when you say you cannot keep a "poker face" (i.e., showing no expressions of being upset or angry, because if you do, you are showing a sign of weakness to your teenager - and then he will know he has you in the palm of his hand).

But you are not alone with this belief. Many people believe that wearing a poker face is impossible (i.e., showing no emotion when things are going wrong). But those same people have already done it!

For example:

Many people have received terrible service at a restaurant. But when the waiter asked, “How was your dinner,” they put on a poker face and said “fine.”

Many people have been pulled over by a police officer and received a speeding ticket even though they knew they were not speeding. But instead of cussing out the cop and telling him to “go to hell,” they put on their poker face, said “yes sir,” signed their signature on the ticket and went on about their business.

You get the idea. It’s not a question of whether or not you can wear a poker face – you’ve already done it more times than you realize.

So, you too can wear a poker face – and you MUST wear a poker face for these strategies to work for you -- especially if your teens have a propensity for slipping into rage.

Try very hard not to show any emotion when reacting to the behaviors of your teens. The worst thing to do is to react strongly and emotionally. This will just make them push you that same way again.

Also, you do not want them to figure out what really bugs you. You want to try to remain as cool as possible while they are trying to drive you over the edge. This is not easy. But once you know what you are going to ignore and what will be addressed, it will be far easier not to let your feelings get the best of you.

I’m NOT asking you to NOT be afraid. I’m NOT asking you to NOT get angry. But I am asking you to "act as if" you are not afraid -- "act as if" you are not angry. This is a “fake it until you make it” approach.

Practice doing it -- then practice some more -- then practice doing it again.

Eventually, wearing a poker face will come as easily as “getting very, very upset.”

Hope this helps ...stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Problems

Question:

My daughter is 16 years old. I have had a lot of problems with her. She thinks she's her own boss. She goes in and out of the house without permission. Finally, after a lot of things that I have tried with her, I told her that if she was going to do whatever she wants, do not ask me for nothing. She kept on doing the same behavior.

Last night, I called her at 2:30 am, first she told me she was on her way to the house. I called again around 3:00 and she said she was going at a friend's house that she will be home in 30 more minutes.

I got so mad, I told her that I was going to close the doors. She said, “fine I’ll sleep at one of my friend's house.” I said ok but it will be forever. When she asked why, I said “because you don't listen to me,” and I hung up the phone.

This morning I disconnected her cell. When I came back from work, she was here grabbing her clothes. This is not the first time that she leaves the house. I am so tired of her attitude. So, she left the house.

What do you think I should do next? This has been going on for almost 6 months now. I think I had tried everything, but she won't listen to nobody.

Answer:

It sounds like you and your daughter are in a power struggle. Power struggles can create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the child. Resentment can cause a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue.

In order to end such arguments, it must be the parent that begins to take charge in a positive way. However, the most effective step, to simply stop arguing, can also be the most difficult. It sounds quite simple, just stop arguing, but in reality, it takes discipline and effort to change the pattern of behavior. By refusing to participate in the argument, the power of the out-of-control child disappears. She only continues to have power over you if you allow her to.

To stop the power struggle, prepare yourself ahead of time. Sit down, after your daughter is in bed for the night and it is quiet, and make a list of the times that you most often argue. Is it getting ready for school, doing homework, completing chores, getting home on time, etc? For each situation, determine a few choices that you can give your kid.

When preparing the choices, make sure to list only those that you are willing to carry out. If you are not willing to pick up your daughter and bring her to school in her pajamas, don’t threaten to or she will know that she still has control of the situation.

Once you have decided on the choices you will give your out-of-control daughter, stick to them and practice your self-control to not yell. Walk away, leave the room, and wait outside if you have to. But an argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens

RE: "Our son does improve for a while, but then all of the sudden he will get back into this rebellious stage..."

Hi D,

I'm going to respond to your email point-by-point. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Our son does improve for a while, but then all of the sudden he will get back into this rebellious stage. He has a really hard time communicating and getting along with his father.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Is father a lot like son with respect to temperament? Does father use an authoritarian mode (i.e., my way or the highway approach) in relating to your son ?

We all live in the same household, but now he says he wants to move out. He is 16 and will be 17 in December. He is a Junior in high school and does very good in sports.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I think it would be good to begin having regular conversations with your son about how exciting his future is going to be. Begin the conversations with questions to your son like: "Are you thinking about college?" "If so, where do you think you might like to attend?" "What career field sounds interesting to you?" "When you get a full-time job and can afford it, what kind of car are you going to get?" ...and so on.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>The idea is put a positive spin on this idea he has to move out on his own. You may even want to spend some afternoon with him shopping for an apartment ( e.g., call some landlords, meet with the landlord at the apartment so you and your son can see it and can talk about how much it will cost HIM to live there).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Play along ...as though "moving out" is a viable option. Begin building his confidence in being out of the "nest," because sooner rather than later, he will need to be "out on his own."

He was abused by a baby-sitter when he was about 5 yrs old and just recently told us when he was going to a counselor. We made a terrible mistake and one weekend when he was out of control and didn't come home all weekend, I was very distraught and forced him to go to counseling with his father and I. This pushed him over the edge and now has refused to go to counseling anymore.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Counseling is just another "traditional" or "conventional" parenting strategy that has virtually no "bang for the buck." If your son is truly suffering from post-traumatic stress, counseling would be a good thing. Otherwise, counseling is not recommended (and you're hearing this from a counselor by the way -- me).

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Your son probably feels a lot of shame about the abuse. But he may also feel as though he's being punished (in the form of counseling) for something someone else did ( i.e., the abuser). All your son really needs to understand is this:

(a) the abuse was not his fault,

(b) the abuse did not turn him into a "gay" person (if the abuser was male),

(c) the abuser is mentally ill and needs help, and

(d) sex abusers don't stop with one victim -- he most likely abused others too.

Our son has ADD and at times refuses to use his medication. He is a very nice looking young man, he's a good athlete. He has to work as his school work but is a very smart kid.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Please review the sections of the Ebook on ADHD. I'm not a big proponent for medication for ADHD. As you will discover, ADHD kids grow up to be highly functioning adults -- more so than the average adult -- because they have a lot of energy and drive.

He now says he can't live in our home with his father. His Dad is more of the disciplinarian but has tried to back off and let me be more in control because of our son's attitude towards him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>If dad would "lighten-up" a bit -- and if you, dear mother, would "toughen-up" a bit, you and your husband will be more on the same page, and your son will not easily play one against the other (which sounds like what's going on here).

He also has talked about suicide so I am afraid of pushing him too far.

>>>>>>>>>>>This is 90% manipulation, 8% feeling sorry for himself, and 2% depression. Don't be fooled.

I'm very concerned about him and don't want him to move out and I have even offered to move out of the house myself and get a different place to live for him and I and his sister.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>You're allowing the tail to wag the dog here. If you move out, YOU will soon become the "bad guy" (instead of your husband) and your son will continue to manipulate you with threats of running away and suicide. Moving out will solve EVERYTHING for about 2 weeks ...then the problems will be worse than ever.

Any help or advice you could give me would be so appreciated. I just don't know what else to do.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Before you or your husband make any decisions about anything, the two of you should discuss it first and decide collectively what to do. A weaker plan by both parents will be 10 times better than a stronger plan made by only one parent.

>>>>>>>>>>>Put a positive spin on everything. Review the section on ADHD in the Ebook. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Toughen-up a bit (i.e., don't be afraid to impose consequences for your son's poor choices).

>>>>>>Please keep me posted ...Thank you.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Testimonials

I just wanted to share some wonderful emails from members of Online Parent Support:

“OPS is very thorough and has helped me and my family immensely. My husband and I have a better understanding now! Since completing the program, my son Jonathon has brought his grades up 35%, and he is getting praise from teachers. The Assistant Principal wrote a letter describing improvements in Jonathan’s behavior and gave it to me at the parent-teacher conference.”

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“We thank everyone involved with this program. We are using the techniques we have learned on ALL of our children, not just the one we were having trouble with.”

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“I found OPS very helpful, even though our child was already in placement at a juvenile facility. Wish we had taken this course years ago.”

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“I looked forward to each session. It was my support to get through the week. Plus I looked forward to what new things to learn to help with my child. Thanks for your help. Thanks for being there."

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“Everything was helpful. I wish I had known about this class 3 years ago. I hope we haven’t waited too long to try these parenting techniques.”

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"I am very pleased to know I have somewhere I can come for help -- and I thank you for your help!"

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“OPS was straight forward and concise. It was good to see another approach. I wish we had started using these techniques earlier."

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“This program should be mandatory for some parents!"

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"I remember feeling so helpless, like I couldn't do anything about the chaos and drama in my home. I told myself, 'If you haven't got the power, there is nothing you can do about your situation' ...Seeing myself as helpless insured paralysis and provided a powerful rationale for doing nothing. But now I feel empowered -- because most of the things I'm trying actually work."

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"I pretended that things were getting better on their own, but this pretending took the place of the effort required to bring about real change. That's all over now. I'm taking responsibility for my part of the problem, and my daughter is accepting here part as well."

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"I think my biggest problem was that I didn't change the things that weren't working I kept using the same parenting strategies and hoped for different results. This turned out to be almost as big a problem as not trying to fix problems in the first place. For example, I thought that threatening to do this or that was an effective form of discipline -- but since I had to use it each day to correct the same problem, it should have been obvious that it was not a good strategy. I have better tools in my parenting toolbox now. Thanks for all your help."

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"I realized I was very good at allowing my children to be independent, but I was not very good at setting clear and firm limits for behavior. My children easily discovered rules that could be broken if their protests were long and loud enough ...Often times, I just wanted to avoid the hassle of a conflict. It was easier for me to let the rules slide than to deal with the fuss. Also, it was sometimes hard to refuse my children anything, because I didn't want them to be unhappy. I thought "unhappy children" equals "bad parents." And I guess at some level I was afraid my children would become angry and hate me if I set boundaries. Now I know that children want to know that their parents are in charge; they need structure and limits. This concept alone is helping me immensely."

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"Just a short note to say thanks. We are now well into your assignments and things are going well. As you predicted, things got a lot worse to begin with, but the three kids and both parents are starting to settle well. We are getting into a routine, and now “no” is beginning to mean “no,” consequences to actions are beginning to be recognized, and your method of getting them to do something is very effective. Many thanks. I hope it's still o.k. to write with any questions as they come along, as I feel we are only part way through. And as they get older, new things are going to appear. Thanks again."

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"Thanks for the accommodations. You are a big help. I started some of the pointers that we've talked about, and I see some good effects. It's very hard to switch emotions, but I'm trying my best. I think I will be sending you a lot of thanks for this book and for the warm accommodation on the first phone consultation. I know I got the right help now. I wish God will give you more time to accommodate parents like me."

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"Today, I spoke to my son's former counselor (whom I was asking for a referral for another counseling, which I did before I found your ebook). I told her, “I think I don't need it for now,” because I found your site. I gave her your site and told her to spread the word about your ebook, since her job deals with parents and kids of

similar problems."

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"In a week's time, I've seen a great change. Now my 2nd son (AJ) asks permission before he goes out of the house and calls me when he can't come home on the agreed time. I can also see some smiles on his face little by little. Thanks again for all the help!"

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"In reading your book, I realized that there are others out there that have exactly the same problems as I do, and who are making exactly the same mistakes as I was -- and that there are people like yourself that advocate what I believed in. This has helped me gain the strength I needed to tackle the onslaught. And let me tell you that this is exactly what it has been the last 3 weeks."

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"I put the expectations and responsibilities with the earning or loss of privileges on paper, and when I handed it to my son and wanted to discuss it with him – well, almighty hell broke loose! And this continued for a whole week –constant swearing and telling me he will not adhere to it and I will not control him."

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"Although battered and bruised by the emotional experience, I am proud of myself -- I did it! I put my poker face on and stuck to my guns. A week later, although he is still not earning any pocket money (as he refuses to do what I have put on the list), he did come to me and ask what he needed to do to get his computer back. We are now at the un-grounding point (and the 'get the computer back' point) as he has managed to go a whole week without loosing his temper and swearing. He still does have the attitude that he will not do what’s on the list, but I am watching him carefully -- and have been able to keep the discipline in place for the relevant things I put on the list."

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"I am an Officer in the Canadian Forces Reserve (CIC) and my Branch of the CF deals with youth training (ages 12 to 19). I currently command my own unit. I am always dealing with youth who are either out-of-control, or have a tendency to get out-of-control. I also work with a Special Needs camp for teens with behavioral problems, and melt-downs are not uncommon. I have found your e-book and power point presentations an excellent source of information at opening up the line of communication with these kids."

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"My own children are 4 and 6. They are not out-of-control teens, but I feel that the information you have given me will allow me to set the ground rules to allow for a great "teen experience". I am fully aware of "inclusion," and I empower my kids now to behave well for me by allowing them to set the limits in a task, trip, or outing, so they feel like it's there work paying off. I know at age 6 the concept may be lost, but I feel what they learn from it will allow me to understand how to keep those lines of communication open down the road."

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"I would like to thank you for such great material. I hope I can change the lives of many more teens, as I have done much so far. However, it is only those who really want to change their lives that I have been able to help. They must make that decision as they under go their own journey."

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"I will tell you that I've done the first two steps and I'm still reading, but I wanted to have a copy handy electronically to build a cheat sheet and mold my mantras."

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"Thanks so much for writing this, I was a little hesitant at first when I was browsing your site...but in the end, I was more like...it can't hurt and if it teaches me one thing...then for that I will be a better parent."

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"Your statement you make in the first step "I have an obligation to you, my child, as a parent to..." That statement alone made me a better parent. I've said it to my son and I've said to others in my life who would like to be a bigger priority in my life. This statement has made things even more clear to me...as a single parent and for that I'll always be grateful."

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"Thanks again. Sign me "an obligated parent who gladly accepts the honor of releasing into this world (eventually) an upstanding, independent, responsible, young, adult male."

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"I have worked for the school for over twenty years in various positions including therapist, Director of Residential Life, Dean of Counseling, Dean of Students. Recently we have established the position of Parent Liaison to assist parents with the challenges of having their son in a boarding school and I have moved into this role. In addition to being a mentor for the parents, I will also be conducting parenting workshops through the year.

I am also working on a school based web site that will offer assistance to our parents, and am pleased to be offering a link to your web site and book.

Your book and web site is an excellent source of guidance and support for all parents, not just those of troubled teens."

Best regards,

Jim Graves, MC

Parent Liaison

St. Paul's Preparatory Academy

Educating Young Men Since 1961

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"I downloaded your ebook a while ago, and it is great. I have spoken to you for help along the way. My children's names are E_____ (who has ASD), M_____ (she's 11), and J_____ (he's 13 with some ASD difficulties)."

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"I am a Qualified Primary schoolteacher and have been specialising in helping parents and students in the area of 'challenging behaviour'. Recently I changed my job and am now working with a lot of schools around creating safer emotional and physical environments.

This means working with teachers, students, parents and the communities. I was wondering if you have anything in New Zealand as far as training is concerned, as a lot of the difficulties that the parents are coming across would be massively helped with your teachings.

They are surrounded by professionals who are still talking about time-out consequences and behaviour reinforcments. Many of these parents have had years of this, and as you say have 'dipped in and out' often depending on how much they could cope with at the time. Many of them are at the stage of having pre teens with all the new emotional stresses and behaviours.

Many of these parents could not afford to buy your ebook because of the exchange rate -- and they get me for free if it is through the school. Although I have done some private trainings around explosive behaviours, anxiety, stress and visual learning.

I am a qualified N.L.P. trainer and practitioner and was wondering if there was any way we could get this information over to NZ. Anyway, if you could think of any thing that might help please let me know. I would be happy to do some training if that was possible. Many thanks for your time."

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Join Online Parent Support here >>> www.myoutofcontrolteen.com

She's Back To Her Old Ways

Greetings,

Good to hear from you. I've responded to this email in several places throughout where you see these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hi Mark,

I haven't completed reading the e-book as yet but it certainly is very relevant so far. I live in Australia and found your website via Google. I have been divorced from my 14-year-old daughter's mother for the past 9 years. I live in another state but have maintained regular contact with my daughter over the phone and every school holidays she stays with me and my new wife and children.

I had no idea there was a problem until recently. Whenever she visits or speaks with me, she is fine and when I spoke with her mother, she didn't let on there was anything wrong. About 4 months ago, I get a call from my ex saying that my daughter was skipping school and had been suspended. Then she tells me that she had been getting progressively worse over the prior 12 months that led to this point. She had become friends with a group of kids who were all getting into trouble and had started to behave very badly at home. I felt completely hopeless and annoyed with myself that it got to this point without me realising.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> You were in the fortunate position of being the "good guy." If your daughter comes to live with you, you will have to be willing to be the "bad guy" (i.e., the one who issues consequences for poor choices).

We both came to the conclusion that it would be best for her to get out of that environment and come live with me. Trouble was, my daughter didn't want to. She felt her friends are more important and didn't want to move away from them. This is when I finally got to see the side of her that her mother had been dealing with for the past year. I was devastated. I had no idea she could be like this. When I went down to pick her up, she was yelling and screaming at us both and flat out refused to come with me. We ended up calling the police to come talk to her as we didn't know what else to do. This is the stage she is at. She knows that we as parents can't force her to do anything. The police basically confirmed this for her. There is no law that says she has to do what we say. The police finally convinced her to come and stay with me as a trial but a week after she was with me, she begged me to go back to say goodbye to her friends and when I let her, she again refused to come back.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Clearly, the tail is wagging the dog (i.e., your daughter has been "in charge" for several years now).

We didn't want to go through the whole thing again so she is still living with her mother. I'm sure she knows she can walk all over her mother so that's why she prefers to live there. She has stopped going to school completely and quite often goes out with her friends and doesn't come home for 2 nights straight. She is a very smart girl and I truly believe it is not too late to turn her around but we are at our wit's end.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Please feel free to give your ex the password to the online and printable version of my ebook. If the two of you will coordinate and collaborate, you'll have all the tools you need to get the problems turned around. I know this is a bold statement, but I repeatedly find that, in those cases where the parents are dead serious about using the strategies discussed in the ebook, the results are quite remarkable.

In addition to all this, at about the time when I first found out about the problems, we found out she was pregnant. Luckily she realised this was a mistake and had the pregnancy terminated but going through all this made no difference to her behavior. It seemed to reinforce her belief that she can do as she pleases. Whenever I talk with her and feel as though I am getting through to her, a few days later I get a call from her mother and sure enough, she is back to her old ways.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Your daughter is intense and strong-willed (i.e., unconventional). And as you and your ex have discovered, conventional parenting strategies DO NOT WORK with an unconventional kid. She's not a bad kid -- no way. But she is intense, and she seeks intensity from others -- especially her parents (more on this in the ebook).

I know it's hard for a child in her situation. I have not been there for her and she has had some issues with her step-sister who is the daughter of her mother's new husband (who she has recently separated from). As you can see there are plenty of reasons for her to be like this and I feel terrible she has had to go through all this. We have tried to get her to go to counseling as I am sure she needs to speak to someone who knows how to deal with all this but she refuses to go.

>>>>>>>>>>> I detect a bit of you "feeling sorry" for you daughter. Unfortunately, this has been a contributing factor to some of her behavioral problems. There are hundreds of thousands of children dealing without divorce and/or seeing their other parent infrequently. This is no excuse for misbehavior and making every other family member's life hellish.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Counseling is a conventional parenting strategy, and as you have already heard me say, conventional strategies DO NOT WORK with an unconventional kid such as your daughter. I can promise you that counseling will be yet another failed attempt at getting her behavior on the right track (it won't hurt, but you will get virtually no bang for your buck).

I am hoping I can pass your book onto her mother so she can better handle her. The good thing is that her mother and I still get on really well and always present a united front to our daughter. It's difficult with me living so far away and I am conscious of how it is affecting my three other children and my marriage to my new wife.

>>>>>>>>>>> I detect a bit of you "beating up on yourself" -- again! This will unfortunately contribute to the problem rather than the solution.

>>>>>>>>>>>.. I'm sure glad you stumbled into Online Parent Support. It was created for parents like you (i.e., a well intentioned, loving, caring parent who has lost control of his out-of-control child).

>>>>>>>>>>I can tell you that, in your family's case, the hen is in charge of the hen house, which is extremely unhealthy for the hen.
You and your ex now have a solution-based program to work with -- you need nothing else (another bold statement, I know).

>>>>>>>>>>Get busy reading and implementing the strategies discussed in the ebook. Keep me posted on the progress, or lack thereof -- and keep in touch frequently. Your ex may contact me as well. This will take some work, but you will be successful if you follow my recommendations.

>>>>>>>>>>Your daughter will never be willing to work for what you and your wife want, be she will be willing to work for what she wants (more on this in the ebook).

>>>>>>>>>Please forward this email to your ex-wife.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Cell: 765-810-3319

Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

Home Page: MyOutOfControlTeen.com

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents