Helping Your Child to Deal with Cyber-Bullies

Bullies have been around forever, but technology has given them a whole new platform for their actions. As grown-ups, we're becoming more aware that the "sticks and stones" adage no longer holds true; virtual name-calling can have real-world effects on the well being of children and adolescents.

It's not always easy to know how and when to step in as a mother or father. For starters, our children tend to use technology differently than we do. Many spend a lot of time on social networking sites, send text messages and instant messages (IMs) by the hundreds, and are likely to roll their eyes at the mention of email — that's "so old-school" to them. Their knowledge and habits can be intimidating, but they still need us as moms and dads.

Fortunately, our growing awareness of cyber-bullying has helped us learn a lot more about how to prevent it. Here are some suggestions on what to do if online bullying has become part of your youngster's life:

Cyber-bullying is the use of technology to harass, threaten, embarrass, or target another person. By definition, it occurs among young people. When an adult is involved, it may meet the definition of cyber-harassment or cyber-stalking, a crime that can have legal consequences and involve jail time.

Sometimes cyber-bullying can be clear-cut (e.g., leaving overtly cruel cell phone text messages or mean notes posted to Web sites). Other acts are less obvious, such as impersonating a victim online or posting personal information or videos designed to hurt or embarrass another youngster.

Cyber-bullying also can happen accidentally. The impersonal nature of text messages, IMs, and emails make it very hard to detect the sender's tone — one teen's joke or sense of humor could be another's devastating insult. Nevertheless, a repeated pattern of emails, text messages, and online posts is rarely accidental.

A poll from the national organization Fight Crime: Invest in Children found that 1 in 3 adolescents and 1 in 6 pre-adolescents have been the victims of cyber-bullying. As more and more youths have access to computers and cell phones, the incidence of cyber-bullying is likely to rise.

No longer limited to schoolyards or street corners, modern-day bullying can happen at home as well as at school — essentially 24 hours a day. And, for children who are being cyber-bullied, it can feel like there's no escape.

Severe cyber-bullying can leave victims at greater risk for anxiety, depression, and other stress-related disorders. In very rare cases, some children have turned to suicide.

The punishment for cyber-bullies can include being suspended from school or kicked off of sports teams. Certain types of cyber-bullying also may violate school codes or even anti-discrimination or sexual harassment laws.

Many children and adolescents who are cyber-bullied are reluctant to tell a teacher or parent, often because they feel ashamed of the social stigma, or because they fear their computer privileges will be taken away at home.

The signs that a youngster is being cyber-bullied vary, but a few things to look for are:

• avoidance of school or group gatherings
• changes in mood, behavior, sleep, or appetite
• signs of emotional distress during or after using the Internet
• slipping grades and "acting out" in anger at home
• withdrawal from friends and activities

If you discover that your youngster is being cyber-bullied, be sure to discuss how it feels. Offer assurance that it's not your youngster's fault. Talking to educators or school administrators also may help.

Many schools, school districts, and after-school clubs have established protocols for responding to cyber-bullying; these vary by district and state. But before reporting the problem, let your youngster know that you plan to do so, as he or she could have concerns about "tattling" and might prefer that the problem be handled at home.

Other measures to try:

• Limit access to technology. Although it's hurtful, many children who are bullied can't resist the temptation to check Web sites or phones to see if there are new messages. Keep the computer in a public place in the house (no laptops in kid's bedrooms, for example) and limit the use of cell phones and games. Some companies allow you to turn off text messaging services during certain hours, which can give bullied children a break.

• Know your children's online world. Check their postings and the sites children visit, and be aware of how they spend their time online. Talk to them about the importance of privacy and why it's a bad idea to share personal information online, even with friends. Encourage them to safeguard passwords.

• Block the bully. Most devices have settings that allow you to electronically block emails, IMs, or text messages from specific people.

If your youngster agrees, you may also arrange for mediation with a therapist or counselor at school who can work with your youngster and/or the bully.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Expulsion from School: What Parents Can Do

Expulsion from school is used to punish children, alert moms and dads, and protect other children and school staff. Unintended consequences of these practices require more attention from health care professionals. Expulsion may exacerbate academic deterioration, and when children are provided with no immediate educational alternative, child alienation, delinquency, crime, and substance abuse may ensue. Social, emotional, and mental health support for children at all times in all schools can decrease the need for expulsion and should be strongly advocated by the health care community. This policy statement, however, highlights aspects of expulsion that jeopardize kid’s health and safety.

Recommendations are targeted at doctors, who can help schools address the root causes of behaviors that lead to expulsion and can advocate for alternative disciplinary policies. Doctors can also share responsibility with schools to provide children with health and social resources.

Expulsion from school is a method used by school administrators to decrease violence, discourage drug abuse, and curtail criminal activities on campus. Expulsion is also used to deal with difficult and challenging behaviors, including truancy.

Between 79% and 94% of schools have policies known as "zero tolerance"—the term given to a school or district policy that mandates predetermined consequences for various child offenses, and almost 90% of Americans support these policies. Despite widespread public support for schools’ zero tolerance disciplinary policies, the American Bar Association (ABA) voted in 2001 to recommend ending them. The ABA argues that it is wrong to mandate automatic expulsion or referral to juvenile court without taking into consideration the specifics of each case. It is understandably important for legal professionals to challenge a "one-punishment-fits-all" approach. It is equally important for doctors and related health care professionals to address potential physical health, mental health, and safety concerns that arise from expulsion from school.

Advocacy from the health care sector can be divided into 3 major categories:

First and foremost, health care professionals need to advocate that the educational system provide, through its own system and through community partnerships, an environment and a range of resources that support children and that decrease the likelihood that children will engage in behaviors requiring disciplinary action. These recommendations are covered in the American Academy of Pediatrics policy statement "The Role of the Pediatrician in Youth Violence Prevention in Clinical Practice and at the Community Level." In addition, "Mental Health in Schools: An Overview," developed by the University of California Los Angeles Center for Mental Health in Schools, provides good references. A number of other published documents also exist on this subject, many of which are informative and comprehensive.

The second category of health, mental health, and safety concerns is related to the lack of professional support and adult supervision often associated with expulsion.

The third, discontinuity in education is an important concern, not least because educational success is so strongly linked to health and safety. Forty-nine percent of children in schools disciplined under a zero-tolerance clause are given out-of-school suspensions that last 5 days or more. Thirty-one percent are expelled, and 20% are transferred to an alternative school or program but often have out-of-school suspension periods up to 4 days in duration. Seventy-eight percent of schools in large urban school districts consider out-of-school or at-home suspension an acceptable disciplinary action.

REASONS SCHOOLS EXPEL CHILDREN—

Real and perceived immediate threats to a child’s own safety or to the safety of others are some underlying reasons for out-of-school suspension. The Gun-Free Schools Act (Pub L No. 103-882) of 1994 requires schools to expel, for a period of not less than 1 year, children who have brought a weapon to school. However, this act also specifies that schools are allowed to provide educational services in alternative settings. Threat to safety logically should only apply to those children who have already caused serious injury or damage to school property or are at high risk of causing such injuries (e.g., possession of a gun or explosive). However, studies of expulsion patterns suggest that danger of assault is not a major reason for children having been excluded from any school program. In 1997, of the 3.1 million children suspended from school, most were involved in nonviolent and noncriminal acts. Only approximately 10% of the expulsions or suspensions were for possession of weapons. In the small towns of states such as Oregon and South Carolina, children are expelled at 5 to 6 times the rates of children in cities such as Chicago and San Francisco, yet it is unlikely that crime rates in small towns are 5 times the rates in these large metropolitan areas.

Excluding a child from attending school is sometimes imposed as a disciplinary tactic, intended primarily to punish the offender and secondarily to deter other children. School administrators have reported that removing a youngster from school provides a cooling-off period for the offending child as well as for frustrated educators and administrators. At-home suspensions are also sometimes seen as warnings for moms and dads who may have not previously taken their youngster’s misbehavior seriously and who may have considered problem behaviors to be purely the school’s responsibility. Other school disciplinarians readily admit to using expulsion as tools to eliminate troublesome children from the educational system. In some states, no alternative educational setting is provided to suspended children. For example, in 1996–1997 in Massachusetts, 37% of expelled youth did not receive alternative education in another school or a special education program. In 75% of those cases, alternative education was not provided because the school district chose not to do so.

Many school districts have developed alternative programs for children who are expelled or suspended. Unfortunately, in many of these circumstances, children are required to stay at home during an interim period ranging from days to months until arrangements can be made or a position becomes available in an alternative setting.

RISKS FACTORS FOR EXPELLED CHILDREN—

Kids who are suspended are often from a population that is the least likely to have supervision at home. According to the 2000 US census, kids growing up in homes near or below the poverty level are more likely to be expelled. Kids with single parents are between 2 and 4 times as likely to be suspended or expelled from school as are kids with both moms and dads at home, even when controlling for other social and demographic factors. There may also be racial bias for application of school disciplinary actions, with African American youth suspended at nearly 2 times the rate of white children in some regions.

Kids who use illicit substances, commit crimes, disobey rules, and threaten violence often are victims of abuse, are depressed, or are mentally ill. As such, kids most likely to be suspended or expelled are those most in need of adult supervision and professional help. In one study, 15% of kids who have never been abused but had witnessed domestic violence were suspended from school in the previous year. This was attributed to heightened aggression and delinquency from living in a violent home environment. For children with major home-life stresses, academic suspension in turn provides yet another life stress that, when compounded with what is already occurring in their lives, may predispose them to even higher risks of behavioral problems.

Despite high rates of depression and numerous life stresses that are associated with school-based problem behaviors, children are not routinely referred to a medical or mental health provider on expulsion or suspension. The only exceptions are children requiring rehabilitation or drug testing when the cause of disciplinary action was related to substance abuse. Without the services of trained professionals (e.g., doctors, mental health professionals, and school counselors) and without a parent at home during the day, children with out-of-school suspensions and expulsions are far more likely to commit crimes. A Centers for Diseases Control and Prevention study found that when youth are not in school, they are more likely to become involved in a physical fight and to carry a weapon. Out-of-school adolescents are also more likely to smoke; use alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine; and engage in sexual intercourse. Suicidal ideation and behavior may be expected to occur more often at these times of isolation among susceptible youth. The lack of professional assistance at the time of exclusion from school, a time when a child most needs it, increases the risk of permanent school drop-out.

ALTERNATIVES—

Many school districts have been innovative with alternatives to expulsion. Children are immediately transferred to supervised suspension classrooms run by the district until they are moved to an alternative setting or readmitted to their regular school site. In some districts, moms and dads are required to accompany children to school for a portion of the school day. Some districts have children provide community service on school grounds during nonschool hours.

Although far from perfect, the statute for disciplinary action taken against children who are served by the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act (Pub L No. 101-476 [1990]; i.e., those who qualify for special education) presents a promising model for managing all young offenders in the educational setting. The law requires that children with disabilities, even if expelled, continue to receive educational services. The school must perform a pre-expulsion assessment and demonstrate that it has made reasonable efforts to minimize the risk of harm in a child’s educational placement. These children’ individualized education programs are often specifically modified to address and prevent recurrence of inappropriate behavior.

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR SCHOOLS—

1. A full assessment for social, medical, and mental health problems by a pediatrician (or other providers of care for kids and youth) is recommended for all school-referred children who have been suspended or expelled. The evaluation should be designed to ascertain factors that may underlie the child’s behaviors and health risks and to provide a recommendation on how a youngster may better adapt to his or her school environment. A full history should be derived from the child, family members, and school staff members once consent to exchange information is attained. Management options to consider include appropriate referrals to drug rehabilitation programs, social agencies, mental health professionals, and other specialists who may assist with underlying problems. Doctors should routinely consider including school staff members as partners in the management of kids and youth with school behavior problems, providing that privacy issues are respected as outlined in Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA [Pub L No. 104-191]) regulations.

2. As part of the school’s or district’s written policy on disciplinary action, schools should routinely refer a child to his or her primary health care professional for an assessment if there is a disciplinary action or a child is at risk of such action. Assistance with obtaining a medical home should occur in circumstances in which a child facing disciplinary action does not yet have one.

3. Matters related to safety and supervision should be explored with moms and dads whenever their youngster is barred from attending school. This includes but is not limited to screening moms and dads by history for presence of household guns.

4. Out-of-school placement for expulsion should be limited to the most egregious circumstances. For in-home expulsion, the school must be able to demonstrate how attendance at a school site, even in an alternative setting with a low ratio of highly trained staff to children, would be inadequate to prevent a child from causing harm to himself or herself or to others.

5. Doctors are encouraged to provide input to, or participate as members of, school- or district-based multidisciplinary child support teams that can provide disciplined children with a comprehensive assessment and intervention strategies. Schools should help support the participation of doctors on multidisciplinary teams by arranging for participation at times and in formats (e.g., telephone) that are conducive to practicing healthcare professionals, by financially supporting time for school physicians, or through other logistic considerations.

6. Doctors should advocate for practices and policies at the level of the local school, the school district, and the state department of education to protect the safety and promote the health and mental health of kids and youth who have committed serious school offenses.

7. Doctors should advocate to the local school district on behalf of the youngster so that he or she is reintroduced into a supportive and supervised school environment.

8. Schools need to establish relationships with various health and social agencies in their communities so children with disciplinary problems who require assistance are readily referred and communication lines between these agencies and schools are established.

9. Children and their families should be encouraged by school staff members to access health care and social services, which can be accomplished if these important topics are included in health education and life skills curricula. It is also recommended that health care professionals provide information to kids, youth, and families on access to health care and social services.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Child Forgets To Take Medication At School

Question

My son just turned 14 two days ago, and was diagnosed with Aspergers, ADHD and ODD last November. He is supposed to take medicine twice per day (once at home, once at school) to help him focus and to control anxiety. The problem is that he doesn't take his medicine unless someone reminds him-ever. He and I have tried putting the medicine where he will see it every morning at home …and that has helped some, but at school no one reminds him, so he does not take his medicine there. I have two questions: 1) is it reasonable to expect him to take full responsibility for taking this medicine, and 2) if so, how can I help him to do that? Thank you!

Answer

Re: 1) Is it reasonable to expect him to take full responsibility for taking this medicine, and 2) if so, how can I help him to do that?

Reasonable? Yes.

Is it likely he will meet that expectation consistently? Probably not.

Plan A—

There are now a much larger choice among medications that can be used to treat ADHD. Many of the newer ones have the advantage that they only need to be given once a day and can last for up to 12 hours. In addition to not having to take a lunch time dose, the sustained release forms of these medications have the benefit that the medication is often still working after school, as your child is trying to do his homework.

The long acting stimulants generally have a duration of 8-12 hours and can be used just once a day. They are especially useful for children who are unable or unwilling to take a dose at school. Here is an up-to-date list of the current ones:

• Adderall XR

• Concerta

• Daytrana

• Focalin XR

• Metadate CD

• Ritalin LA

• Vyvanse

The prices of these medications seem to be based more on the number of pills in the prescription, rather than on the total number of milligrams. So, instead of taking one 10mg pill twice a day (60 pills), it is usually less expensive to get a prescription for, and take, one-half of a 20mg pill twice a day (30 pills). Based on the average wholesale price for some of the ones listed above, doing this could save you about 15-30% a month, respectively. The savings based on the retail pharmacy price usually seem to be even greater, often up to 50% a prescription.

Plan B—

Alternatively, you might consider recruiting the assistance of a staff member at your son’s school (e.g., school nurse) to give him his afternoon medication. Initially, the nurse could find him in class to give him his meds …then after a couple weeks, he can be instructed to stop by the nurse’s office for his afternoon dose.

Good luck,

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What To Do If Your Child Gets Suspended From School

Here are some important suggestions that may make the experience easier in the event that your child or teen gets suspended from school...

Get the Facts—

1. Talk with your child. Ask him to tell you (or write) exactly what happened as soon as possible so you have a clear understanding of the details related to the incident. Make sure he is being honest about what happened.

2. School administrators must provide children with notice of the charges against them, the basis for the charge, and an opportunity to tell his side of the story.

3. Immediately contact the school and request:

• a copy of any administrator's, educator's, or child's statements about the charge/incident
• a copy of the school's or district's disciplinary policies in writing (if they have not as yet been provided to you)
• a copy of the child's school records, including records for attendance, grades, and any past discipline

4. Review these materials and note anything you want to ask your youngster or the school about that may include issues relevant to the current situation.

Meet with School Officials—

1. Call the school staff person who gave the suspension and ask for a face-to-face meeting at a time that is convenient for you. Ask for whatever accommodation you need to enable you to participate fully in the meeting, for example, if you need to meet in the evening or need a translator if you do not speak English. There are five good reasons to request and attend a face-to-face meeting:

• to ensure that your youngster is taking responsibility for his actions
• to ensure that your youngster's educational progress is not adversely affected
• to learn more of the facts around the incident
• to learn of any opportunities or services that may help your youngster (e.g., counseling or other types of social, educational, or health services)
• to verify that your youngster is being treated fairly

2. Approach the meeting with an open mind and a firm commitment not to argue or raise your voice.

3. Do not go alone to the meeting. Take someone with you who can serve as an advocate and provide you with support or make you feel more comfortable. This might be a friend, neighbor, community service agency representative, or clergy. Make sure that the school official is informed that this person will be present at the meeting.

4. Write down any questions you have before the meeting and bring your list with you so you can ask your questions and have them answered at the meeting.

Questions that moms and dads may want to ask about the situation:

• Can my youngster make up his schoolwork and tests?
• Could the educator have handled this differently?
• Exactly what did each person do? Exactly what did each person say?
• Has my youngster had similar problems before? Is this documented in writing?
• Were other children involved in this incident? What punishment did the other children receive? Why is their punishment different?
• What can the school do to help my youngster and avoid this problem in the future? For example, may my youngster change his seat in class or be transferred to a different class?
• What is the normal punishment for breaking this rule? Is there a different punishment for the first, second, or third violation of this rule? Are these things in writing?
• What other children or employees were around when this happened? What are their accounts of the incident?
• What rule did my youngster break? May I see this rule in writing? What did my youngster do to break the rule?
• Where was my youngster when this happened? Who was the educator in charge? Where was the educator when the incident happened?
• Why is my youngster receiving extra punishment?
• Will this punishment cause my youngster to fail a class or be held back?

Additional Points:

1. Do not admit wrongdoing and do not let your child admit wrongdoing unless it is true.

2. If your child admits wrongdoing, consider or ask what can be done to "make things right." For example, is an apology to an educator or another child in order, or is there some other action your child may take to correct or make amends for the situation? If so, have your child follow through on this.

3. Take your child to the meeting with you if he can act respectfully and take responsibility for his actions. He must admit if he was wrong and violated a school rule.

Ask For Help—

Ask for help to ensure the educational progress of your youngster. A child can fail a class if he misses too much work or can be retained in the same grade if he misses too many days. If the suspension will harm your youngster's educational progress, ask the school officials to help avoid these outcomes for your youngster. Also ask for help to get other services for your youngster. The incident that led to your youngster's suspension may be related to an issue or problem that is not resolved by the suspension. Furthermore, ask for help to get support for you as a parent. Often there are things that moms and dads can do and learn about to be better advocates for their youngster's education and well-being. Schools and communities have resources or may know of support groups or opportunities that can be helpful for moms and dads.

1. Ask for a hearing to request that a situation that would harm your youngster's educational progress be reconsidered, or appeal the suspension decision.

2. Ask your school about groups, programs, and opportunities for your support and involvement in your youngster's education and development.

3. Ask if the school could assign another punishment.

4. Ask if there is help for homework in the community or tutoring help.

5. Ask if your youngster could finish the punishment during in-school suspension.

6. Ask the school to provide all of your youngster's school assignments so your youngster can complete them during the suspension. Also ask for permission to have your youngster make up the tests that would be missed.

7. Ask what other opportunities and services there are in the school or community to help your youngster. Consider and ask about services such as: ongoing counseling; testing for learning disabilities; opportunities to be mentored; peer mediation programs; special education services; special language programs; tutoring; drug counseling; mental health services; anger management, social skills, and conflict resolution training classes; and involvement in youth leadership activities, sports, camps, after-school programs, and community service activities.

If You Believe Your Youngster Has Not Been Treated Fairly—

1. The United States Constitution and other federal laws prohibit any educational discrimination on the basis of race, sex, disability, or other difference. If you believe your youngster has been treated unfairly because of his race or other characteristic you may file a complaint of discrimination with the Office for Civil Rights of the U. S. Department of Education. There is a regional office serving your area. Call the Civil Rights Hotline at 1-800-421-3481.

2. If you are not satisfied with the suspension decision, you may be entitled to appeal the suspension decision to the superintendent or his designee or to the local school board. Your school principal can tell you how to go about the appeal process.

If Your Youngster Is A Special Education Student—

Children who have Individual Educational Plans, called IEPs in most schools, and are special education children, have very specific rights concerning suspension. Discipline for special education children has specific requirements. There are parent centers in every state to provide assistance. In addition, there are other organizations that can help moms and dads understand what their youngster's and family rights are in the case of suspensions.

Recommendations for Schools—

1. A full assessment for social, medical, and mental health problems by a doctor (or other providers of care for youth) is recommended for all school-referred children who have been suspended or expelled. The evaluation should be designed to ascertain factors that may underlie the child’s behaviors and health risks and to provide a recommendation on how a youngster may better adapt to her school environment. A full history should be derived from the child, family members, and school staff members once consent to exchange information is attained. Management options to consider include appropriate referrals to drug rehabilitation programs, social agencies, mental health professionals, and other specialists who may assist with underlying problems. Doctors should routinely consider including school staff members as partners in the management of kids and youth with school behavior problems, providing that privacy issues are respected as outlined in Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA [Pub L No. 104-191]) regulations.

2. As part of the school’s or district’s written policy on disciplinary action, schools should routinely refer a child to her primary health care professional for an assessment if there is a disciplinary action or a child is at risk of such action. Assistance with obtaining a medical home should occur in circumstances in which a child facing disciplinary action does not yet have one.

3. Matters related to safety and supervision should be explored with moms and dads whenever their youngster is barred from attending school. This includes but is not limited to screening moms and dads by history for presence of household guns.

4. Out-of-school placement for suspension or expulsion should be limited to the most egregious circumstances. For in-home suspension or expulsion, the school must be able to demonstrate how attendance at a school site, even in an alternative setting with a low ratio of highly trained staff to children, would be inadequate to prevent a child from causing harm to himself or herself or to others.

5. Doctors are encouraged to provide input to, or participate as members of, school- or district-based multidisciplinary child support teams that can provide disciplined children with a comprehensive assessment and intervention strategies. Schools should help support the participation of doctors on multidisciplinary teams by arranging for participation at times and in formats (e.g., telephone) that are conducive to practicing healthcare professionals, by financially supporting time for school physicians, or through other logistic considerations.

6. Doctors should advocate for practices and policies at the level of the local school, the school district, and the state department of education to protect the safety and promote the health and mental health of kids and youth who have committed serious school offenses.

7. Doctors should advocate to the local school district on behalf of the youngster so that he or she is reintroduced into a supportive and supervised school environment.

8. Schools need to establish relationships with various health and social agencies in their communities so children with disciplinary problems who require assistance are readily referred and communication lines between these agencies and schools are established.

9. Children and their families should be encouraged by school staff members to access health care and social services, which can be accomplished if these important topics are included in health education and life skills curricula. It is also recommended that health care professionals provide information to kids, youth, and families on access to health care and social services.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How to Avoid Spoiling Your Child

Now let’s get real for a moment.  I’m going to be tough on parents in this article.  So if you have a weak backbone, then you may NOT want to read what I have to say...

Some parents had a hard childhood and now they want their own youngster to have everything and do everything they missed out on. Often, the pendulum swings and mothers/fathers who had a strict upbringing feel the answer is to give their youngster as much freedom as possible. Research shows that this results in kids developing a huge sense of entitlement.

It is wise to assess just how sloppy one’s parenting skills may have become. Answer these tough questions with a "yes" or a "no."

1. At the end of the day, do you pick up after your youngster (e.g., dishes, toys, books, clothes, etc.) since that's easier than asking her to do it? If yes, you are getting her accustomed to having an expensive personal servant when she becomes a young adult.

2. Do you feel that giving a youngster a good understanding of ethics, morals and spirituality will stifle her creativity and warp her spontaneity? Doing that will reward you with a youngster who doesn't value herself, her body or her ability to function harmoniously with others.

3. Do you figure that sex and violence in television and movies will prepare your child for the "real world"? Wouldn't it be better to help her enjoy and create a better world? 

 

==> Join Online Parent Support 

4. Do you permit your child to engage in every teen fad so he can be "one of the crowd"? Then prepare for a wardrobe that causes you embarrassment, problems with bad hygiene, and the youngster's inability to think for himself and be an individual.

5. Do you treat the possessions at your house, your car and in the community as if they were as disposable as toilet paper? If you do, this will result in a messy, uncaring citizen who does not value anything but herself.

6. Have you abandoned family mealtimes in favor giving your youngster fast foods and snacks whenever she wants them? In doing so, you are depriving her of three things: good nutrition, learning to enjoy a variety of foods, and participation in family togetherness at mealtimes.

7. If you and your spouse have an argument about something, do you then bad-mouth your spouse in front of your child, filling her with hatred? If so, you will turn her against marriage and the needful art of problem solving.

8. Is it your opinion that "kids must be kids" and dishonesty, cheating, plagiarism, minor shoplifting and graffiti are an inevitable part of "growing up"? Start teaching your youngster that one doesn't have to experience these activities to know that they are totally wrong, a waste of time, illegal and eventually costly.

9. Is your child given an allowance that is so generous that he has no incentive to earn any money? Then be prepared to support him for his entire life, buying him a car, paying his credit card bills, giving him down payments ---- none of which he will appreciate.

10. Rather than telling the youngster he has done something wrong, do you use the silly term "inappropriate" or "unacceptable"? If you answered yes, boldly teach the difference between right and wrong by using these more understandable words such as good, bad, yes and no.

11. When a youngster expresses an interest in a toy or sport, do you quickly fulfill his desire to attain it or participate in it? If so, you are teaching him that the world owes him everything he wants without effort or anticipation on his part.

12. When your child is reprimanded (by a teacher, activity leader, neighbor or law enforcement officer), do you immediately assume that they are picking on your youngster? This teaches lack of respect, the ability to politely defend oneself, and a warped sense of prejudice leading to the feeling that "everyone is against me."

13. When your child makes a crude remark, uses profanity or sneaks sips of alcohol from you, do you excuse it as "growing up"? Be prepared that this kind of "cuteness" will encourage language and activities that will shame you later in life.

If you said yes to 10-13 of these questions, your youngster may be heading toward delinquency. If you said yes to 6-9, your youngster is spoiled. If you said yes to 2-5, you should assess your parenting while you still can. With just one yes, congratulate yourself!

 

==> Join Online Parent Support 

How to Avoid Spoiling Your Child—

1. "No" is not a bad word: In other words, you're not hurting your little one by saying no. In many cases you may be helping him. Take for example, teenagers who drive expensive, luxury cars. Ask yourself: “what's the value of giving a 16-year-old a Porsche?” People feel better when they earn something they're given. No 16 year-old has earned a Porsche. Now, if you want to help your youngster buy a car – that's another story.

2. Avoid comparisons: Setting limits and saying "no" becomes even harder when parents of your youngster's friends are saying "yes." This is a frustration, but moms and dads should stand firm by their decisions. Your child may complain that all of his friends have an X Box and nobody will want to come over unless he gets one, too. I suggest telling your youngster to enjoy playing the video game at friends' homes and finding something unique to do at his own home. Your child has qualities and possessions that attract his friends and they will still want to come over. He should be proud of these things, not embarrassed or upset by what he doesn't have.

3. Avoid materialism: Make sure your kids aren't defining their happiness and their status in the world as a function of what they wear or drive. Sit down with them and have a one-on-one conversation about what really defines their worth — their intelligence, their creativity, their caring, their giving, their work ethic, etc. If you spent equal time sitting down and talking to them about what really mattered as you do shopping, you might be able counterbalance the countless images they see telling them otherwise.

4. Be a good role model: We're not the only influence in our kids' lives, so we better be the best influence.

5. Changing the behavior earlier rather than later: Once your youngster does start acting spoiled, it may seem impossible to change this behavior.

6. Don’t be a buddy: Your youngster does not have to love you every minute of every day. He'll get over the disappointment of having been told "no." But he won't get over the effects of being spoiled.

7. Don't let your guilt get in the way of your parenting: Your job as a parent is not to make yourself feel good by giving the youngster everything that makes you feel good when you give it. Your job as a parent is to prepare your youngster to succeed in school and when they get out into the world. Kids have to be socialized in a way that they understand you work hard for what you get. You don't want to teach your youngster that they will get everything through manipulation, pouting, crying, door slamming and guilt induction.

8. Help your youngster set goals: Teach her that striving to own nice things is fine if she understands how much hard work it takes to afford that, and then doesn't base her self-worth around what she buys.

9. Model unconditional love: If your parent-child relationship is based on material goods, your youngster won't have the chance to experience unconditional love.

 

==> Join Online Parent Support 

10. Money is not the problem: Money has nothing to do with spoiling a youngster. Even kids from low-income families can wind up spoiled. If you are on the phone with your husband, even if you're just talking about dinner plans, and your 7-year-old keeps wanting to talk to you, wants to interrupt and thinks that's OK ... he's spoiled. The youngster assumes you are going to drop everything and pay total attention to him. You have indulged this behavior in the past and now the youngster expects it all the time.

11. Prepare your youngster: Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your youngster for how the world really works. In the real world, you don't always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as an adult if you've experienced it as a youngster.

12. Redefine what taking care of your kids means: Are you providing for them emotionally and spiritually? You need not buy them material goods in order to create a bond. Instead of tangible gifts, how about spending some time together? Be careful that you aren't teaching them that emotions can be healed by a trip to the mall.

13. Set limits and stick by them: It's tiring and tedious and just not fun, but moms and dads must decide what they are willing to give their kids (in terms of material goods and attention) and then stand by this decision. Once you take a stand, recognize that your youngster will try to manipulate you. He'll give lots of logical reasons why he needs to have something. But stick with your decision! So if you do buy your youngster a toy after telling him you wouldn't, you can be sure he will persistently badger you the next time you say "no." He now knows that if he's persistent, he can break down your resolve.

14. Teach charity: For instance, if you believe you've bought too many toys for your youngster, tell him so. Go on to explain that he does not play with all of them and is no longer putting them away or taking care of them. Allow him to choose a few favorite items and then give the rest away to charity. This will teach him about giving to others while learning to value what he has.

15. Think of the future: Remember that this change won't be easy, but it is important. If you continue to spoil your kids, they will get to the point where they are not satisfied by anything. They will never feel gratified. When you decide to stop spoiling your youngster, it doesn't mean you can no longer buy her designer clothes or nice things - just cut back. Buy one pair of designer jeans, not 10.

It helps if parents understand "intrinsic" versus "extrinsic" motivation. Intrinsic motivation is when people do things because they feel proud of themselves when they do it. They feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement. Extrinsic motivation is when someone does something because of external motivation. For example, they will receive money, a toy or privilege if they do the task. If you are always rewarding your youngster with material things, he will never learn how to motivate himself with internal rewards like pride. He also will never learn to value things because there are so many things and nothing is special.

You can’t “make” your youngster feel more secure. Particularly in this age of mobility and divorce, a lot of moms and dads try to compensate for a perceived lack of security in their kid’s life by, shall we say, “giving in” to them. They feel like they have to give their youngster her way because they are struggling over the divorce or other trauma and just can’t deal with anything else at this point. While their plan is to get things back on track in the weeks and months ahead, the reality is that those weeks and months never come – and the youngster is empowered in a manner that often shows itself in very negative ways.

As mothers and fathers, we need to remember that feelings of "security" are subjective and not necessarily related to an actual situation, be it divorce, an illness in the family, a move to a new neighborhood or town, or other trauma that kids all too often experience. Real security cannot be imposed or provided from the outside. Security is achieved by living through and overcoming life’s difficulties.

==> Join Online Parent Support