Our problem is that he is never home...

Hi J.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email:

Mark,

To catch you up and again some suggestions for guiding us (parents). M______ was successfully released from probation end of July. Just as we predicted, he has been out of control. He is 17 1/2. He has joined up with some friends who are known to buy/do weed. He has been linked to buying/doing weed as well. Not sure how "hooked" he may be--this is all hear say. He is told if he is not home by parent set curfew, he is not to come in the house. He may sleep in the shed if he does come home. We have let him in several times when out with his g'friend as she does call with their where abouts and are home soon after. We do trust her and she has confided in us about some of the things M has done/is doing. We have told him also that the security system is on, and he may not come into the house until a parent is home (we deleted his pass code).

== > This is all good. Great job!

He still is maintaining his job (Dad or g'friend or g'ma drive). He broke the power cord to his lap-top so has no internet (we lock ours). We confiscated his cell (he paid for phone we pay service/he pays "overages"), and the state suspended his driving license due to too many points. I will be DCing his phone service permanently this week as soon as I can get to the store. We (parents) do not plan on signing for his license when he is eligible (he believes we will "cave"). Told we would not drive him to/from school, he could take the bus, or travel with friends. He was told he can buy his own power cord when he has the money and can get one at retail, we would not loan him the money, or order one thru the internet. I stopped doing his laundry due to foul language aimed at me.

== > I think you hit another home run here!! Wow!

As incentives, he can "earn" back me doing laundry and driving him to/from work by not swearing and making his curfew for 3 consecutive days (has not done it yet). Can "earn" back license and use of a car by attending school, no swearing, picking up after himself, and coming in by curfew, passing drug screens (I bought these but so far has refused them), and must do this for 6 weeks and ONLY then with GPS teen tracking system on the car. (We know you recommend 7 days max, but we would be held legally responsible for anything happening to him/our vehicle and if he wants a car sooner than this, he can buy his own. Is this on track?)

== > Most definitely. You are a great role model for other parents who have trouble with the “tough love” concept. Before I read on …I want to say something at this point. Even though things may be far from perfect – can you imagine how bad things might have been had you not made your son accountable on these important issues?

Our problem is that he is never alone/home. He is with his g'friend or not home. He refuses to talk to us about the above. We can't even tell him the consequences because he starts yelling/swearing. We try to discuss him moving out in 6 months, but again, yelling. We find it impossible to tell him anything positive/and "I love you" when we don't even see him. How do we get our message to him?

== > I think you have bigger fish to fry than “swearing” at this stage of the game. He is an adult. Shift to helping him make plans to move out. Put it in writing – short and sweet – and let him know he has a deadline to be packed up and moved out.

Also, last night, he missed curfew (1/2 hour), started calling cell phones, house phones, knocking on the bedroom windows, and ringing the doorbell. The phones we can turn off, but we have to get up early for work, and have a younger child who really needs to be sleeping. Husband opened the door, and M barged in when told to stay out. Any ideas on keeping him out besides police involvement? The local police have told us they would make us allow him into the house as he legally lives there.

== > I want you to begin to focus on him moving out at this point. All the other stuff is water under the bridge. Here’s what one single father did who was in the same boat as you:

1. He told his son he had a deadline to be moved out (the day after his 18^th birthday).

2. One week before the deadline, he took his son apartment shopping.

3. His son didn’t like any of the apartments – so Dad said, “Do YOU want to pick – or do you want ME to pick?” …The son picked.

4. Dad helped his son move – and even paid the first 2 months rent.

5. Lastly, he told his son he is always welcome to come home for a visit – but can no longer live there. Dad also said, “In the event you get evicted for not paying your rent, there is a Mission - The Christian Center on Main Street - that will take you in temporarily.”

End of story.

This father was not being cruel – quite the opposite. He was a good student of Online Parent Support and knew exactly what he had to do to “foster the development of self-reliance” in his son.

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 18 to 29-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home.

This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie "Failure to Launch." Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men's self-confidence to cause them to want to be independent.

Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes. Since the '70s, the number of 26-year-olds still living at home has nearly doubled! Here are the top four factors contributing to this change:

They Are Unprepared—They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games, and delivering pizza.

These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them-at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made!

When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life, when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves?

They Are Cautious or Clueless—They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world.

Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13.

This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.

They Have Personal Problems—They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event.

In "Failure to Launch," we learn that Tripp's parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died and he hadn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp fell in love with Paula-the new girl of his dreams-his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close got reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight.

If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.

They Have Mounting Debt—They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off.

According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55% of students ages 16-22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future.

Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any, or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.

If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house.

Determine Goals and Stick to Them—Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son or daughter begin their own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences, to help him or her launch into responsible adulthood.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am not alone in this "battle"...

Dear Mr. Hutten:

I cannot tell you how excited I am to begin implementing your parenting techniques. I just ordered the Online book, and have read up to page 30 (end of Session #1).

I have to admit, it was nice to read that I am not alone in this "battle" with my son. He just turned 15 last month, but his attitude and demeanor started to change in February/March, when he met his girlfriend... His grades started dropping (he had been an A/B student until this point). He failed a semester of Spanish, then a semester of Biology; didn't care about anyone else, has ONLY cared about himself, but yet, he cannot accept responsibility for himself. Like you stated, he blames EVERYONE else for his actions. So, yes, everything I have read so far, I can truly relate to.

My son is in counseling. I wonder now if that is where he needs to be. His father and I are divorced (have been for 10 years - I remarried 3 1/2 years ago). My son has issues at his dad's, with his dad's girlfriend. Dad likes to take the girlfriend's side on everything. I have always been the disciplinarian, dad has always been the "toy" and the "giver"... I do know that my son has been hurt by his dad's actions and the fact that dad never stood up for him in certain instances at their house. So I wonder if he has some deep down hidden anger. If he does, isn't that something that he really needs to talk to a counselor about, so he can overcome what he feels? I'm very confused about counseling now.

When my son first started to fail in school, he was grounded for a full marking period - 6 weeks. In hopes that would get his attention and he would pick his grades up. He was grounded with NO privileges, had to sit at the kitchen table, on a hard wooden chair, no t.v., no phone, etc. He passed the next marking period. BUT... started failing again the last semester. So, in all, he sat for 18 consecutive weeks at the kitchen table, without privileges. And unfortunately, he seems pretty proud of that.

The thing that brought me to this point, and prompted me to find you online, was the fact that he had snuck out his bedroom window (2 days before we were to leave for vacation, mind you), and my husband had to call me at work and tell me my son wasn't home. I immediately left work to go back home. He went to his girlfriend's house (big surprise). (he also admitted that this was not the first time he had snuck out the window, he had been doing it quite frequently). But later admitted to me that the girl AND her mother, both lied to me when I called to see if he was there. Needless to say, he is once again grounded. Obviously, I don't have any respect for the mother now, and I am not thrilled with the daughter either. The whole family has been a bad influence on my son, and I hope these issues are also discussed in your book. I thought if I limited my son's time with the girl and her family, that would be better than the argument/fight I would be in for by telling him that he was forbidden to spend time with them at all. Like you said, I can't control him.

I feel like I have been doing the majority of the things stated in your book. Except for the "poker face". That one tends to be a little difficult for me. But I have remained calm during our "talks". I have already figured out that I get absolutely nowhere with my son when I raise my voice. I fall under the "Indulgent" parent category, and my son would fall under the "Scapegoat" category.

I'm sure I will be in touch with you again, during this process, asking for help, guidance, etc. I would like to thank you for putting your information/experiences together in a book for us parents who are dealing with out of control teenagers. I feel a bit of relief already, just after reading the first 30 pages. I will follow your instructions, one session per week, and will prepare myself for the "it will seem worse before it gets better" period. I know it's a struggle, but he is my child and I love him to death. I would/could NEVER turn my back on him. As parents, we have to take the good with the bad, and I'm hoping this is as bad as it will get, but I won't hold my breath...

Again, thank you, and I look forward to our home life getting better with the help of your step-by-step book.

Sincerely,

M.,
(A desparate mom)

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Hi M.,

Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos that are in the online version of the eBook.

I can see from reading your email that you will have some areas to work on.

Thanks,

Mark

Online Parent Support

School Behavior Problems

Hi Again Mark,

It’s the beginning of week 4 and I’ve just finished reading through the last sections. We’ve continued to make great progress at home and the positive behaviours we’ve started to see from our son are nothing short of amazing. I’m sorry to ask the same questions, but I still don’t know how to handle a couple of situations. I hope you can help me with some specific ideas.

As I mentioned, our son will often become over-excited in social situations and be either annoying, offensive and/or aggressive. This can even escalate into a violent tantrum. We can now handle any meltdowns at home quite well with poker face etc. and mostly ignoring him until he’s calm. This has worked really well and we even got an unprompted apology the other day (unheard of!). My question is: if he’s in a situation where I can’t ignore or leave him alone because he may harm/disrupt others, how do I handle it without giving him any intensity – especially if it usually means we may have to physically remove him from the situation?

My second question is about school again. Unfortunately since I last emailed, he was reported for hurting another boy, given a suspension and told that one more physical incident will mean being expelled. I guess all I can do is stick to the program and hope that doesn’t happen. But also as I mentioned, he comes home each day with a report of how he’s performed against a set of ‘goals’ - ie key areas he MUST improve in – if he can’t, again he will be asked to leave the school (which I think will destroy him). He is given a ‘score’ of 1 (good) to 3 (bad) each day for: sitting still, listening without interruption, working in a group and respecting others. He is still constantly getting 3s. Should I let this run its course? Or should I impose consequences for constant bad scores as they essentially mean he’s behaving badly at school?

Thanks so much again
L.

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Hi L.,

Here are some ways to start dealing with problems or potential problems early, when there is still time to work with teachers and administrators to make school a tolerable place for your son.

1. Listen when your son talks— Kids don't answer the question "How was school?" because they know parents only want to hear good news. Parents should reconnect with what it really feels like to be in school -- the uncomfortable desks, the stuffy classrooms, the disengaged teachers, the work that is either too easy or too hard. Think about what it really feels like to be your child at school. Ask questions about feelings, and really listen to what he or she says. Don't be quick with a pep talk and a pat on the back. Having someone to listen, without judging, can help defuse some of the frustration that might later erupt in dangerous behavior. And if you listen closely, you may be able to figure out other ways to lessen your child's emotional burden.

2. Be realistic about your child's abilities-- Pushing and motivating and holding high expectations can drive some children to be all they can be, but it can drive others straight into anxiety and depression. Would you want to work at a job, day in and day out, where you always had to be at the top of your abilities, handling things you weren't quite on top of and hoping things turn out alright? Kids can't quit, and they have very little recourse in terms of demanding better working conditions, but they can find all sorts of ways to act out their anger and despair. Be honest and compassionate when considering what sort of classroom your child will learn best in and what sorts of supports he or she will require. Academics are important, and it's not wrong to make them your biggest concern, but emotional support and feelings of mastery are important, too.

3. Be respectful of authority yourself-- We all know how important it is to fight for our children and be strong, effective advocates. That struggle may lead us to conclude that some teachers and some administrators are not worthy of our respect, and their judgment is subject to doubt. But be very, very careful how you communicate that to your child. You may think the message you're giving is that grown-ups can be wrong, and you will always stick up for him, and she should value herself even when others criticize. The message your child receives, though, may be that it's okay to be disrespectful to teachers, the rules don't apply to her, and you will clean up every mess he makes. That's an attitude that's sure to cause major problems at school, and beyond -- if you teach a kid to question authority, sooner or later he's going to question yours.

4. Volunteer at your child's school—Being a presence at your child's school -- whether you volunteer at the library or help in the lunchroom, serve as class parent or staff special events -- pays numerous dividends. It gets you known by the administration in a non-adversarial context. It lets your child know that school is important to you and a place you want to be. It gives you an opportunity to observe what goes on in that building, from the conduct of the students to the morale of the teachers. If you can't spare the time to volunteer during the school day, attend every Home and School Association meeting you can, and be sure to show up for Back to School nights and teacher conferences. When school personnel get to know you as an involved and interested parent, they're more likely to be your ally when problems come up.

5. Request an FBA— If the school is sending home complaints about your child's behavior -- and expecting you to do something about it -- put the ball back in their court by requesting a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA). This will force school personnel to really think about your child's behavior, not just react to it. An FBA examines what comes before bad behavior and what the consequences are for it; what possible function the behavior could serve for the child; and what sorts of things could be setting him or her off. If a child finds classwork too hard or a classroom too oppressive, for example, getting sent to the hallway or the principal or home could become a reward, not a punishment. Conducting an FBA and writing a behavior plan based on it is probably the best way to head off discipline problems. If teachers and administrators refuse to go along with it, you might need to do a little behavior analysis on them.

A Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA) is an attempt to look beyond the obvious interpretation of behavior as "bad" and determine what function it may be serving for a child. Truly understanding why a child behaves the way he or she does is the first, best step to developing strategies to stop the behavior. Schools are required by law to use FBA when dealing with challenging behavior in students with special needs, although you may need to specifically push for it. The process usually involves documenting the antecedent (what comes before the behavior), behavior, and consequence (what happens after the behavior) over a number of weeks; interviewing teachers, parents, and others who work with the child; evaluating how the child's disability may affect behavior; and manipulating the environment to see if a way can be found to avoid the behavior. This is usually done by a behavioral specialist, and then becomes the basis for a Behavior Intervention Plan.

Examples: A student may act up frequently and be sent to stand in the hallway. But, a FBA may find that the student acts up only during times when a lot of writing is required in class, and that he has documented difficulty with fine motor skills. The misbehavior serves the function of getting him out of written work. Supports to reduce the amount of writing needed and tools to make writing easier may eliminate the behavior in a way that escalating punishments never will.

There is no hard and fast rule regarding what sources of information an FBA includes to lead to some hypothesis about the function of a particular behavior. Let's start by considering what type of information we need and then we can think about how to obtain the answers to these questions:

· Does the behavior occur frequently or infrequently?

· Does the behavior occur in all settings or just some?

· Does the student have the ability to control the behavior or will she need some supports to control it?

· Does the student have the necessary skills to engage in the desired behavior or is there a skills deficit that needs to be addressed?

· Does the student understand the expectations for behavior?

· If the student does have the skills to perform the desired behavior, does the student have the motivation to perform it?

· What is the "payoff" is for the behavior -- e.g., does the student get to avoid some unpleasant activity or get to escape some setting?

To answer the above questions, the school team will generally need to employ a variety of techniques. An FBA should not be based on one person's report or observations. It really requires multiple participants and techniques. When it comes to techniques, in addition to direct assessment of the student and recording of behavior ABC-style, the team will probably also use:

· Scatterplots or matrices tailored to the student that plot the relationship between instructional variables and student behavior over time and situations

· Structured or semi-structured interviews with the student (if appropriate), the student's parents, and school personnel involved with the student

By the end of the data collection process, the team should have sufficient quantitative data on the behavior and qualitative data to develop some guess or hypothesis about what function(s) the behavior serves for the student. It is these hypotheses that will lead to the intervention. There is an important point to be emphasized here: an FBA does not lead to a definite answer or "proof" of anything about the behavior. It leads to an "educated guess" which will then be tested or explored.

Problem behavior typically falls into one or more of three general categories:

(a) behavior that produces attention and other desired events (e.g., access to toys, desired activities)
(b) behavior that allows the person to avoid or escape demands or other undesired events/activities
(c) behavior that occurs because of its sensory consequences (relieves pain, feels good, etc.)

The antecedents and consequences are analyzed to see which function(s) the behavior fulfills. Problem behavior can also serve more than one function, further complicating the matter. The interview, combined with direct observation of the behavior is what most people use in determining the function of the behavior. This is fine when the data collected on the antecedents and consequences is clear. Most of the time this is sufficient in determining the behavior’s function(s).

For example, to determine the function of screaming, we could arrange for attention to be given to the child each time she screams and measure how frequently screaming occurs. We could also make demands on the child, terminating them each time she screams and measure how frequently it occurs. In addition, we could leave the child alone and measure how often screaming occurs. If screaming is more frequent when attention is given, we hypothesize that it occurs to get attention. If screaming is more frequent when demands are made, we can assume that screaming has served to let the person escape or avoid demands. Finally, if screaming is more frequent when left alone, we can assume that it is occurring because of its sensory consequences. This third method should be reserved only for situations in which the functions of behavior are not clear through systematic and direct observation.

Sample Functional Behavior Assessment—

Student Grade Date

Person Completing this checklist______________________________

1. Current Challenging Behavior

This can have as many descriptions of the challenging behavior. Example: Check boxes with Inconsistent behavior, sleeps in class, irresponsible, lacks motivation, etc. Boxes are checked for all that apply.

2. School History

A. Academic Skills
Strengths __________________________________ Deficits_____________________________________

B. Previous Behavior Interventions and Results (on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being poor and 10 being very effective). Put the number on line or leave blank if that intervention has not been attempted in the past.

Some examples of the check boxes for this area are: Incentives for appropriate behavior, work etc., Verbal Praise and Attention, Independent work in private , low-stimulus area, parent contacts, etc.

3. Strength Areas

A. Social Skills
Gets along with peers
Gets along with adults
Sense of humor
Likes to please others
Helpful
Generous
Sensitive

B. Natural Talent/Skills

Mechanical Skills
Carpentry Skills
Artistic
Creative
Athletic
Music

C. Coping Skills
Works well independently
Verbalizes concerns
Sorts through options before acting

4. Learning Style Description

Consider Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, Environmental Conditions, Instructional Presentation/Style. Indicate + or -

Overheads, blackboard
Oral Presentation
Hands on Tasks
Manipulatives
Small Groups
Low visual distractions
Low auditory distractions
Examples

5. Medical/Physical Conditions That May Have Effect on Behavior

List of medical conditions

6. Positive School-Based Situations

Include classes or situations that are successful, along with those that the student enjoys.

Has positive friends, Positive role models, works independently, good support system, ext.

7. Difficult School Based Behavior (Academic and Social)

How long can the student tolerate the difficult situation before he/she reacts with a challenging behavior?

Situation Frequency/Duration of Tolerance

Large group situations
Auditory distractions
Tasks above ability level
Comparisons to others
Direct confrontation
Too much responsibility
Changes in environment
Poor Follow through, lack of consistency

8. Antecedent Behaviors and Conditions

Early signs of frustration or anger, what happens just before the challenging behavior?

Verbal Signs:
Loud voice
Swearing
Mumbling
Whining
Complains of Headache
Non-Verbal signs:
Increased activity
Head down
Poor eye contact
Sad face
Hunched over
Disheveled appearance
Withdrawal from activities and peers
Decline in grades
Sudden change in friends
Moodiness
Physical complaints
Environmental signs:
Teasing
Direct confrontation
Lack of attention
Poor follow through by adults
Increased activity in environment
Increasing demands/responsibilities
Substitute teacher
Running out of medication/not refilled
Change in family situation

9.Possible Functions of Challenging Behavior

What kind of need may have been met by the challenging behavior?

Gain attention
Escape responsibilities
Coping with stress
Coping with pain
Coping with disappointment
Dealing with depression
Dealing with lack of sleep

I hope this helps,

Mark

P.S. I’ve attached a PDF from the Child Study Center that will provide more info on FBAs.

16 Year-Old Daughter Wants To Move Out

"Our 16 yr old daughter has been acting out in all of the ways you have described in the introduction. She now wants to move out, go on welfare and share an apartment with a guy have never met who is a few years older than her. We have asked her to leave our home for a week this summer because we had reached our limit. She stole from us yet again a significant amount of stuff. She came back wanting to really try to make things work but now wants to move out. What do you suggest?"

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Hi H.,

I would say 16-years-old is a bit young for moving out. You are legally responsible for her until she turns 18. So if you had written this 2 years from now, I'd write a totally different answer.

First and foremost, simply work through the 4-week program for now. You are currently only into week #1. Only do one session per week – and be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos.

Having said that, I think you should call her bluff... if you don't help financially the going will be tough. Don't argue, flatter her a bit (that will catch her off guard), and tell her that she is intelligent and mature and that if she is confident she can manage on her own, then you will support the decision. Tell her that you won't give any financial help and that you will miss her terribly, then sit back and wait. By leaving the decision-making up to your daughter, you will have given her a way to back down without losing face. She is likely to find the responsibility a bit scary, and when she realizes you are giving her the freedom to make her own decisions – she might think twice.

If she does choose to leave - she will be back sooner than later (with a bit more humility this time).

Do not save her from making poor choices. It is the only way she will learn life’s lessons.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

When it's O.K. to use the "F" word--

Online Parent Support

Runaway & Pregnant Daughter

Dear Mark Hutten,

I don't want to alienate my runaway daughter; I don't want to enable her. I haven't seen her since Wednesday morning. She does text me. I can't practice your principles because she's not here to practice them on. I want her to come home at night. When she has the baby, around Thanksgiving, I want to help her raise her and not have her dragging the baby around as she hangs out with whomever. I know where she works, I know approximately where her new lover lives. We own the title on her car. I need specific strategies and approaches, please.

Thank you,

A.

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Hi A.,

Runaway teens, seemingly unmanageable, desperate, desolate, lonely AND alone… they run, in one of two directions:

1. Away from something, someone, a bad situation, perceived threat, disciplined unloving and/or abusive, or in more complex cases of troubled teen run-aways a loving home environment where there are for them, in their minds no real future; or maybe in the other direction.

2. Towards something, the unknown, safety, a life where they can live according to their own rules, not answering to anyone else, where they can be independent, make the rules, be their own boss, independence and freedom to do as they please and answer to no-one… the list could go on and on hypothetically speaking.

Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!
Here are concrete prevention tips:

• Always use direct eye contact when speaking.

• Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.

• If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.

• If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.

• Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.

• Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.

• Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

• Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.

• NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.

• Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.

• Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.

• Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.

• Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.

• Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.

• When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

If your teen runs away—

• Call every one of your teenagers friends. Talk to their parents first, not the friend. Teenagers tend to stick together and will not always tell you the truth. The parents will tell you if they've heard their child talking to yours on the phone and it will also alert them to watch for what their child is doing.

• Call your local Juvenile Detention Officer and ask for their help in finding out your rights concerning what you may or may not do if you find your child yourself.

• Call your local television stations. Many today are more than willing to run stories on missing teens since so many have been lured from home by 'friends' they met online.

• Check any local weeklies and online community papers; they are usually more than willing to help.

• Contact your teenager's friends, their parents, and school staff. Express concern and clearly state your willingness to work out any problems that might exist.

• Do not "storm" a relatively safe place that your child might be staying. If they run out the back door you'll have no idea where they are. They might also run to a less safe harbor.

• Do not threaten the school, friends, or parents. These people may be potential allies. They are the most likely to help if they understand, that you are willing to listen to your child and be open to other perspectives. Even though you're very worried, remain calm. Threatening statements or making accusations only reinforces the notion that you are an unreasonable person. If you have reason to believe that specific individuals are harming your child, pass that information onto the police.

• Go straight to the local authorities, be it police station or sheriff's office. Take with you the flyers you have made up, a copy of the id, color pictures and digital pictures on a floppy. Get in their faces. Do not just make phone calls, be there in person. Drive them nuts until they do something. Make them understand that you are a concerned parent and that you will not let them ignore the fact that YOUR child is missing.

• If your teenager is gone for over 24 hours, or if you have reason to suspect foul play, call the police.

• Make sure they list your runaway in the national database.

• Make sure you follow up and stay in touch with parents and the police. They are your best bet in finding your child and bringing them home.

• Make up one-page flyers that have a clear picture of your child's face and all information you have. Height, weight, age, last seen, etc.

• Post your flyers everywhere kids meet. Phone booths, soda machines, local hangouts, grocery stores, anywhere and everywhere that will let you.

• Put out the word asking that your teenager check in, just to let you know they are safe. You may want to offer an alternative contact of an adult you both know and trust.

• When you get home, call your local paper and ask if they will run a description and picture of your child. Tell them you will either bring them a flyer or email the information. Whichever option they prefer. Beg if you have to.

Regarding teen runaways, know that:

· 40% of runaways return home at their own initiative

· 50% stay within 1-10 miles of home

· 60% percent of runaway episodes last 1-3 days

· Forcing a child to come home without resolving the problem is likely to result in another runaway incident.

· The majority of teenagers who run do so because of a problem they perceive to be unsolvable

I hope this helps,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Anger Management Classes for Mad Teen

Hi Mark,

What is your opinion? There is a place here in Memphis called Exchange Club Family Center, they have programs to help end family violence. They have a 10 week anger management program for adolescent males (they attend 1 x per week). Do you think this would be helpful, or a waste of time? Of course, we will continue your program.

Thanks for advice.

S.

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Anger Management classes for your teenager is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that will have little bang for your buck. In too many cases, any form of counseling (other than family counseling) makes a bad problem worse, because the teenager feels he is being singled out as "the problem" and reacts accordingly.

I would strongly suggest you stick with Online Parent Support for now.

Don't get distracted,

Mark

Room-Cleaning Solution

Mark-

Thanks for the advice. I did as you said: My 11-year-old S___ refused to clean-up his room ...so I had my 9-year-old C___ do it, and then deducted a portion of S___'s allowance and paid C___ .

S___ was not happy that C___ was in his room and that most of his allowance went to C___. But guess what, I don't the problem of S___ refusing to clean his room anymore.

Thanks for your help on this one,

S.D.

I have a meeting with the principle next Fri to try and formulate a long term plan to manage her in the classroom...

Hi Mark,

Hope things are going well with you.

I have received A___'s latest school report and the comments from teachers are similar to past years. These include "A___ lacks persistent concentration and is easily distracted by those around her..." and " ...she could make better use of her time when she first arrives at school and would do well to develop effective routines so that she is ready to begin learning rather than involving herself in disputes with others. A___ is encouraged to develop an awareness of how her actions might be unintentionally affecting and antagonising others...modify her own behavior to resolve or avoid conflict...increase her usage of the Mathletics website to extend her ability with regard to speed and accuracy in Maths...easily distracted during share and show sessions..." and the list goes on.

I have a meeting with the principle next Fri to try and formulate a long term plan to manage her in the classroom and I really don't know where to start. All these "A___ needs to" comments are all very well but how do we achieve this? I can't get her to do any homework without a fuss. At home she displays traits of ADHD (inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity) but I don't have a formal diagnosis. We are managing her behavior at home as per your e-book as you know. At school she is disruptive and inattentive but not to the degree she is at home. She is certainly antagonistic and rude to the kids at school and has no special friends as a result, and although I do try and have kids over to play there are always problems in relation to her immature behavior and it is quite exhausting for me.

I don't want to make the teachers defensive by trying to suggest that A___ needs a management plan at school but her efforts in each subject have gone from being "exemplary" to just "satisfactory" over the last 2 years, the comments take up more room than they used to and I think her grades are going to be affected as time moves on (Maths has dropped from an A to a B this past six months but Literacy is holding at A for the present).

Do you think I am doing the right thing by meeting with the principle? Am I over reacting and should I just let things slide without worrying too much at this time? Can I formulate a plan without offending anyone?

I'd really appreciate you thoughts.

Thanks Mark,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: Do you think I am doing the right thing by meeting with the principle? Yes.

Re: Am I over reacting and should I just let things slide without worrying too much at this time? I don’t think you are over-reacting.

Re: Can I formulate a plan without offending anyone? Possibly.

Your plan should really be the teacher’s plan. You can come up with a plan, but the teachers will be the ones who will have to implement it. It would be better if they came up with their own plan.

Here are some suggestions:

Any teacher can institute the following suggestions, even without formal student classification:

1. Learn about ADHD. Typically, teachers in the higher grades have a harder time "believing" in the condition. The older students no longer appear physically hyperactive. Organization and planning problems are frequently misinterpreted as lack of preparation and motivation. The school special education staff should have materials for classroom teachers.

2. Don't take the ADHD behaviors as personal challenges. The answer to the question "Why can't she listen to me like all of the other children?" is that she can't turn off her ADHD at will. It isn't personal.

3. Provide help for deficits at the moment it is needed, not negative feedback when it is already too late. Unfortunately, the simple reality is that punishment does not usually teach the needed behaviors to ADHD kids. This is because many children with ADHD have difficulty "doing what they know," not "knowing what to do." They already "know," for example, that they should come to class prepared. Once we understand that punishment has not been working, we are ready to provide relief for their disabilities by guiding them at the moment guidance is needed-rather than continued disbelief that they did it wrong again.

4. Presenting Material to ADHD Children:

· Alert child's attention with phrases such as "This is important."

· Allow physically hyperactive children out of their seats to hand out and pick up papers, etc.

· Break down longer directions into simpler chunks.

· Check for comprehension.

· Encourage students to mark incorrect multiple-choice answers with an "x" first. This allows them to "get started" quickly, while forcing them to read all of the choices before making a final selection.

· Encourage students to underline the key words of directions.

· Establish good eye contact.

· Have child sit in the front of the class.

· Tap on the desk (or use other code) to bring the child back into focus.

5. Organizational Help:

1. Recognize that disorganization is a major disability for almost everyone with ADHD. In fact, it is difficult to diagnose ADHD in the absence of organizational problems. Yes, ADHD students can - and frequently do - write a wonderful paper and then forget to hand it in. This striking unevenness in skills is what makes it a learning disability.

2. Ensure that parents and child all know the correct assignment. Yes, most students can take this responsibility upon themselves. Those with ADHD, though, usually cannot. It is unfair and counter-productive to let intelligent students flounder because of this disability. Once informed of the needed work, the child is still responsible to work (with his/her parents) to get it done. The following options can be used. This part will take work, especially to keep the system going:

i. Inform about typical routines (such as vocabulary quizzes on Fridays).

ii. Hand out written assignments for the week; or,

iii. Initial student's homework assignment pads after each period. Please do not expect the student to come up after class for the signature on their own. If they were organized enough to do that, we would not need to be doing this. And, yes, the typical student is organized enough to come to the teacher; but this is not the typical student.

3. Notify family immediately of any late assignments by one of following. Waiting for mid-term notices is too late to correct the problem, and too late for the student to behaviorally notice the connection between his/her performance and the consequences.

i. A phone call or e-mail takes the child out of the loop, and works best.

ii. The parent could call the team leader/guidance counselor each week for an update.

iii. The parent could mail weekly a card to each teacher. The card would simply have spaces for missed work and comments, and is dropped back into the mail.

4. Allow for expedient make up of late or incorrectly done homework. If deduction for lateness actually works to correct the problem, then keep doing it; if not, recognize the problem as a currently uncorrectable disability. In such a case, the work does need to be completed, but is not fair for a persistent organizational disability to cause excessive and demoralizing deductions. If, for some reason, it is necessary to give an "F" for incomplete work, remember that an F is 65, not 0. Trying to get a quarter decent grade while averaging in a "0" or two is virtually impossible. A grade of "0" is excessive and counter-productive.

6. Simple accommodations for other frequently associated problems:

1. Dysgraphia (hand writing problems)

i. Use of a computer.

ii. Graph paper helps line up math problems.

iii. Provide a copy of class notes, or arrange for peer to make carbon copy.

iv. Minimize deductions for neatness and spelling. Instead, give extra points for neatness.

2. Dyscalculia (math problems)

i. Liberal use of a calculator.

ii. Consider doing every other problem if homework takes too long.

You may want to use these suggestions as a starting point as you work with the principal to create a “plan.”

Mark

Online Parent Support

The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows...

Hello Mark,

Last Friday I sent you an e-mail re snooping on my daughter's myspace and im accounts. You advised me that this was okay. Thank you SO much. But since I am a category 2, ie. stealth mode mom, how do I confront her with the information I've gleaned? I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think? The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows, but doesn't particularly like (this after she did this with her first love this winter who then dumped her, and broke her heart). Since I discovered this most recent event of last week, I snooped again and learned it was possibly two guys, not just the one. Various guys who she knows through school are IMing her and asking her about it, how many times, etc. One guy, who would like to date her but she doesn't want to, asked if they could be "friends with benefits". And her answer was", Idk , maybe!!!!!. In some of the emails and IMs I read she is upset that people know and are talking about it. You mentioned that girls with low self esteem often respond to incidents like the one with her boyfriend this winter by withdrawing socially but she definitely is not-she seems to be self destructing. Please, please, help me to help her. I am just so heartbroken by this and do not know what to do.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

Re: I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think?

I think she will deny your “allegations.” Then what will you say (short of telling her that you’ve been snooping – and thus know what the truth REALLY is)?

Rather than trying to catch her in a lie, you may want to talk to her about sex (that’s really what this whole thing is mostly about).

In addition, I would recommend that you simply monitor/limit computer use:

• Do buy some kind of Internet filtering program.
• Do know how to check her Internet History.
• Do start a conversation with your kid about Internet safety.
• Don't let her have a webcam for ANY reason.
• Don't let her have a wireless laptop in their room.
• Don't let her have an Internet accessible computer in their room.
• Make a behavior contract with your daughter. This will enable her to know what you expect of her behavior while online, as well as the consequences for violating the contract.

I've listed some of the best programs on the net that will help you with this dilemma. Check each one out and see which is best for your needs.

· Working secretly in the background, CYBERsitter analyzes all Internet activity. Whenever it detects activity the parent has elected to restrict, it takes over and blocks the activity before it takes place. If desired, CYBERsitter will maintain a complete history of all Internet activity, including attempts to access blocked material. Strictly 32-bit, CYBERsitter 97 is designed for Windows 95 and Windows NT exclusively.

· Net Nanny allows you to deal with: WWW URLs, News Groups, IRC Channels, FTPs, E-mail, Non-Internet BBSs, Words, Phrases, Personal Information (address, credit card no. etc.) It's a complete Internet and PC management tool. Runs with all the major online providers too! Note: Does not currently run on MACs.

· Cyber Patrol allows those responsible for children to restrict access to certain times of day, limit the total time spent on-line in a day, and block access to Internet sites they deem inappropriate. Cyber Patrol also can be used to control access to the major on-line services and to local applications such as games and personal financial managers.

Good luck,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He says he’s not coming back home...

My 16 year old is smoking weed and he knows i have 0 tolerance for this behavior so he moves in with his dad that has major drug issues himself so therefore he has no guidance. What do I do? He says he’s not coming back home and doesn't answer or return my calls.....HELP!!!

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Hi C.,

I would allow him to stay with his father. Of course, it will be highly likely that the two of them will have a major blowout at some point, at which time your son will want to return to your house. Then you’ll have some leverage (i.e., able to enforce the “no pot smoking” policy in your home).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument...

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument. We thought she was staying with girlfriends. We found out she was staying with a 26 yr-old boyfriend that we never had met. Our niece told us that he was in jail for drug pushing. He bought her things and gave her a place to stay. I found her walking down the street last night and insisted that she come home. She did and threatened to leave home as soon as she could to be with him - because he makes her happy and does not pressure her like we do. What should be our next move? Should we take away her stuff? In particular her cell phone to try to find a phone number or where this guy lives. Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

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Hi B.,

Re: What should be our next move?

Help her move out.

Re: Should we take away her stuff?

No. She’s an adult now that needs to begin the process of leaving the nest.

Re: Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about her boyfriend. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to help her move out.

Remember, self-reliance is key. Whenever in doubt, ask yourself, “Will the decision I’m about to make foster the development of self-reliance – or inhibit it?” Clearly, keeping her from moving out will inhibit such development.

I understand you have heard that her “boyfriend” is a pusher. However, she will need to learn some life-lessons and make up her own mind whether or not this guy is the person she really wants to “hang” with. Don’t save her from this opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. She may fall …she may want to return home. If so, let her return briefly – then get busy helping her move out on her own again -- or help her begin college.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Adult Child

She is adopted from Poland, and has a gypsy background...

The problem we have is our daughter is not under the Juvenile system in Singapore any longer. She knows it, and today the school phoned me to say that she does her utter best of getting expelled from school …also self mutilates so she can come back to Singapore and live her live of “FREEDOM” ...doing what she wants, when she wants, absolutely nothing affects her, when disciplined she runs away. Sleeps on the streets, goes clubbing, drinks, smokes and gets into drugs. Unknown friends help her….

By the way Mark she is adopted from Poland, and has a gypsy background. We have had her since she was 9 months.

Do we let her stay with us, lock all doors as she steals from us, comes and goes as she pleases? Send her to find a Job? No school in Singapore will take her.

She plays the role promises, signs whatever you want and on the first occasion runs away, does not care about consequences.

One month in The Singapore Girls Home in March and July are as quickly forgotten as a nightmare. She is a challenge for an experienced psychologist, and we have no idea why she makes the choices she does.

Her non-communicating attitude does not help, as we have already sent her 14 days to a psychological clinic for a diagnosis. Result, knows what she does and totally responsible for her actions.

So if we let go of the outcome, how can we possibly live with her at home in unbearable circumstances?

At the moment the whole situation affects my husband’s work, as he needs to take off every time we have a situation.

Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you can give us some advice for the handling of this impossible child.

Mr. & Mrs. G.

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Hi Mr. & Mrs. G.,

"Letting go of the outcome" does indeed include "letting go of her" (i.e., letting go of the daughter you hoped you would have had).

It would be much easier -- and a whole lot less painful -- to simply beat your head against a brick wall than it would be to allow her to continue to live in your home.

Troubled adopted children (like troubled non-adopted children) will often display observable signs that they need help. The following list shows a few possible indicators. If your adopted daughter exhibits just one or two of the problems described in this section (with the exception of the last four items on the list), she may have a temporary problem. But if three or more of these problems show up, or any of the last four, she may only improve with several years of professional help:

• Association with undesirable friends
• Change in sleep habits (needing too little sleep or sleeping all the time)
• Deteriorating personal hygiene
• Frequent lying or evasion
• Lack of friends
• Loss of interest in hobbies or friends
• Obsession with fears and worries
• Persistent “orphanage behavior,” such as rocking or head-banging that occurs beyond the toddler years
• Serious drop in grades
• Slow physical or mental development
• Sudden loss of appetite or extremely increased appetite
• Runs away for extended periods of time
• Physical violence or attacks
• Antisocial behavior such as stealing, starting fires, or harming animals
• Self-injurious behavior (cutting or harming oneself)
• Substance abuse

Perhaps one of the major oversights adoptive parents make -- one that agencies fail to adequately prepare parents for -- is the role anger plays in the life of the adopted child. Many parents that I consult with mistakenly believe that a loving, stable home is enough for the adopted child …that a good home environment will make better all the losses or traumas from the past. To the adopted child, however, love isn't enough. They have lost a great deal and they typically get little validation for this from those around them. Instead, many get the message they should stop wallowing and be grateful.

Those of us who weren't adopted cannot fully grasp the meaning of being given away. As I work with adoptive parents on listening to their child, this issue becomes paramount. From the adult perspective, the adopted child was taken out of an unsafe environment and this should be seen as good. From the child's point of view, however, something very valuable was taken away: their home, their identity, and their family.

Children are quite adept at communicating their feelings. Strange as it is, adults consistently miss the messages. For the adopted child, anger is his way of communicating feelings of loss, grief, fear, and terror. Unfortunately, these messages get misinterpreted and the child subsequently gets labeled as defiant.

Most Americans who adopt children from other countries find joy. But others aren't prepared for the risks—and may find themselves overwhelmed. I am certainly not suggesting that adults stop adopting children. Nor am I insinuating that every adopted child will have behavioral or emotional disturbance. What I am pointing out, however, is that the needs and concerns of adopted children are unique. When we truly listen to the adopted child, we can better understand how he or she is attempting to make sense out of a life where they are asked to relinquish one identity and assume another. Further, by being sensitive to the inner reality of the adopted child, we let them know we understand how confusing it can be to live in a world of ghosts, surrogate parents, and loss.

Adoption triggers five lifelong or core issues, regardless of the circumstances of the adoption or the characteristics of the participants:

1. Grief
2. Guilt and shame
3. Identity problems
4. Intimacy problems
5. Sense of loss
   

It is not my intent here to question adoption, but rather to challenge some adoption assumptions, specifically, the persistent notion that adoption is not different from other forms of parenting and the accompanying disregard for the pain and struggles inherent in adoption.

Adoption is created through loss; without loss there would be no adoption. Loss, then, is at the hub of the wheel. Adopted children suffer their first loss at the initial separation from the birth family. Awareness of their adopted status is inevitable. Even if the loss is beyond conscious awareness, recognition, or vocabulary, it affects the adoptee on a very profound level. Any subsequent loss, or the perceived threat of separation, becomes more formidable for adopted children than their non-adopted peers.

The grief process in adoption, so necessary for healthy functioning, is further complicated by the fact that there is no end to the losses, no closure to the loss experience. Loss in adoption is not a single occurrence. There is the initial, identifiable loss and innumerable secondary sub-losses. Loss becomes an evolving process, creating a theme of loss in both the individual's and family's development. Those losses affect all subsequent development.

Adopted children seldom are able to view their placement into adoption by the birthparents as anything other than total rejection. Adopted children even at young ages grasp the concept that to be "chosen" means first that one was "un-chosen," reinforcing adopted children' lowered self-concept. Society promulgates the idea that the "good" adoptee is the one who is not curious and accepts adoption without question. At the other extreme of the continuum is the "bad" adoptee who is constantly questioning, thereby creating feelings of rejection in the adoptive parents.

Adopted children suggest that something about their very being caused the adoption. The self-accusation is intensified by the secrecy often present in past and present adoption practices. These factors combine to lead the adoptee to conclude that the feelings of guilt and shame are indeed valid.

Adopted children lacking medical, genetic, religious, and historical information are plagued by questions such as: Who are they? Why were they born? Were they in fact merely a mistake, not meant to have been born, an accident? This lack of identity may lead adopted children, particularly in adolescent years, to seek out ways to belong in more extreme fashion than many of their non-adopted peers. Adolescent adopted children are over represented among those who join sub-cultures, run away, become pregnant, or totally reject their families.

Adopted children are keenly aware that they were not party to the decision that led to their adoption. They had no control over the loss of the birth family or the choice of the adoptive family. The adoption proceeded with adults making life-altering choices for them. This unnatural change of course impinges on growth toward self-actualization and self-control. Adolescent adopted children, attempting to master the loss of control they have experienced in adoption, frequently engage in power struggles with adoptive parents and other authority figures. They may lack internalized self-control, leading to a lowered sense of self-responsibility. These patterns, frequently passive/aggressive in nature, may continue into adulthood.

I know this information doesn’t help you solve any problems, but I hope it helps you understand your daughter a bit better.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I are currently experiencing the "getting worse before it gets better" that you mentioned...

Hi G.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Dear Mark,

I've written to you before. I had asked you about birth control for my daughter. Just a couple of questions as we move forward these next couple of weeks.

Anyway, my husband and I are currently experiencing the "getting worse before it gets better" that you mentioned. Our 15-year-old daughter has now resorted to telling me quite frequently, not her father "You can shut up now!" He is finding this as frustrating as I am right now. We are having difficulty just getting her to sit and talk to us. We tried the sample contract regarding fair fighting to establish some ground rules for all 3 of us only to be told "I'm not signing anything". She is not interested in anything to do with "feelings" and we are "too late" to make changes. She tells us what she is going to do and has ceased asking permission for anything.

== > IMPORTANT: There are 2 versions of the Fair Fighting strategy. It sounds like you are using the one in the Printable Version of the eBook. For teenagers, you will want to use the one in the Online Version. Also, if you have not viewed ALL the Instructional Videos in the Online Version – you are missing 60% of the material.

The weekend before my mother came for a visit. Grandmother and granddaughter had a late night conversation where my mother told me that my daughter had told her about the boyfriend and some of what was going on at home as well. My mother revealed to her things from my teenage years. For example, that her father and I were dating, I got pregnant at 16 and had an abortion. She told her some very personal and negative things that I don't think my daughter was emotionally ready to hear right now or for that matter from anyone else but her father and I. Needless to say this gave my daughter additional "ammunition" to "fight" the changes we are trying to implement with her.

1. I wondered if you have any advice on how to handle this?

== > I wouldn’t worry about this one. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed about. The truth about some of your past is out – and that’s o.k.

2. Also, my husband asked how we should respond if she asks us where we are getting these contracts and chore charts? She has been doing some chores to earn an allowance but we liked the idea of implementing the point system. Money, the computer and learning to drive are very important to her right now.

== > Say, “From the internet.” That’s all she needs to know.

We have discovered that we both have been overindulgent with this one as she is our only daughter and the youngest child. Not the best excuse but we are coming to accept our situation these days.

At this moment my husband and I are waiting at home. Our daughter ran away again last night and we just filed a police report. We are looking over your materials so that we are prepared for what to expect when she comes home or is brought home. We haven't finished the 4 weeks yet as we were planning to implement Week 3 assignments. It is very difficult when things are getting worse around. I am trying to find my poker face here, as is my husband. Can you give us some guidance? Thank you.

== > It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should. Can I alleviate your anxiety about the tough work you’re doing? No. Always keep in the back of your mind that you are in the process of developing emotional muscles that you would never have developed otherwise – muscles that will make you stronger …muscles that will help you conquer future problems.

Hunker down – stay tough! The reward will be well worth the effort.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen