U.S. Boarding Schools: Alabama to Georgia

Boarding Schools in Alabama--

Indian Springs School

Indian Springs School has a special part to play in independent education. The cornerstones of the Indian Springs experience are academic excellence, the friendliness and personalization that come with thinking small, a sense of open-mindedness that derives from genuine diversity, and a commitment to cultivating good citizenship.

Lyman Ward Military Academy

While military schools mean different things to different people, Lyman Ward's purpose is simple. LWMA is a boy's military boarding school of tradition and distinction that has provided students from around the world with a quality military prep school experience and outstanding character education since 1898.

Marion Military Institute

The Prep school program is 4 years of academic work designed to prepare cadets for college. Marion Military Institute's Prep school program is separate and distinct from our college program and School of Service Academy Preparation (SAP) Program. Cadets who successfully complete academic work for grades 9-12 are awarded a high school diploma.

St. Bernard Preparatory

Accredited by The Southern Association of Colleges and Schools, St. Bernard Prep is a co-ed Catholic boarding and day school for grades 9-12. For over a century St. Bernard has been providing a quality education to generations of students.

Boarding Schools in Arizona--

Copper Canyon Academy

Copper Canyon, in Rimrock, Arizona, is a boarding school for girls ages 13-17 that are in need of a structured therapeutic environment. The program offers a warm, nurturing environment that promotes emotional and academic growth for every student. The staff at Copper Canyon Academy is comprised of well-trained professionals working with adolescents. Copper Canyon Academy boarding school for girls assists families and gives them the reassurance that there is a wonderful future ahead for their child and family. We truly believe combining a warm, caring, structured environment allows students to progress to their fullest potential.

Orme School

The Orme School is a unique community for teachers and students who share a passion for academic excellence, outdoor adventure, and personal challenge. The Orme School mission is based upon the values of Tradition, Excellence, and Character.

Southwestern Academy

Southwestern Academy offers a warm, friendly, safe and supportive environment for boys and girls to grow toward success. Founded in 1924, Southwestern is an accredited, not-for-profit, independent school offering classes for grades six through high school with a thorough college preparatory program affording students personal attention to prepare them for universities and for life.

Spring Ridge Academy

Spring Ridge Academy offers high school women a choice for change and an opportunity to redirect their lives. The catalyst for creating this change is a powerful, affirmative program that creates confidence and competence in core areas: emotional, physical, academic, community, and family. At Spring Ridge Academy, students confront and master the self-limiting beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors separating them from success. Low self-esteem, social inappropriateness, poor school performance – these are challenges to be managed, not immovable roadblocks.

St. Paul's Academy

St. Paul's Preparatory Academy motivates young men to succeed in a challenging academic environment that inspires character development, leadership, and spiritual awareness.

Sun Valley Indian School

Sun Valley Indian School provides a clean, warm, and safe boarding school environment, where our children live under the loving and prayerful care of dedicated dorm parents. The college preparatory program allows our children to participate in a wide variety of foundational classes: science, literature, math, English, physical education, Bible, history and art.

The Fenster School

Fenster’s college prep curriculum offers students the opportunity to take courses for high school and college credit. Earning college credit while in high school gives Fenster students the opportunity to begin college with some educational requirements already met.

Verde Valley School

A school is many things, but first and last it ought to be a place where young people learn how to think for themselves. At Verde Valley School a genuinely educated person is not simply one who has attained impressive academic and professional success. At VVS, citizenship and courage and a commitment to the improvement of the world are our standards.

Boarding Schools in Arkansas--

Arkansas Baptist Children's Homes Under the Lordship of Jesus Christ the Mission of ABCHomes is to accept, believe in and care for children and families in crisis.

Subiaco Academy Subiaco Academy, a boarding/day high school, is dedicated to providing young men with the opportunity for a college preparatory education in a stable and structured environment nourished by Christian values.

Boarding Schools in California--

Academy of the Sierras Academy of the Sierras, a Healthy Living Academy, is the first therapeutic boarding school for overweight teens ages 13-18. It is a place where teens struggling with their weight are able to turn their lives around. The Clinical Director and the Members of the Advisory Board of Healthy Living Academies are among the world's leading experts in weight loss. Centrally located in the California countryside and in close proximity to three national parks, Academy of the Sierras provides an ideal environment for teens to learn and adopt an active, healthy lifestyle.

Army and Navy Academy At the Army and Navy Academy, cadets cultivate strength of character, individual excellence, and responsible leadership, and upon graduation, they are prepared to lead lives of academic, personal, and professional achievement. Young men realize their potential through academic, extracurricular, and leadership programs that create a well-rounded learning experience.

California Assoc of Independent Schools (CAIS) The California Association of Independent Schools (CAIS) is a non-profit organization of 185 elementary, middle and secondary schools in California. The Association serves and strengthens its schools by setting standards of academic quality and ethical conduct, by providing for the professional growth of faculty, administrators, and trustees, and by promoting ethnic and socio-economic diversity.

Cate School In 1910, Curtis Cate founded what is now Cate School. Today's Cate School is a testament to spirit and to the commitment to service, scholarship, and character which continues to underlie all of our aspirations.

Dunn School As a college preparatory school with a focus on cultivating scholarship, leadership, teamwork, and compassion amongst its students, Dunn School is committed to a broad program of academics, athletics, arts, outdoor education, and community service within a diverse community of students, faculty, and staff.

Excel Charter Academy Excel Charter Academy is the newest charter middle school in the PUC family. Excel Charter Academy holds the distinction of being the 100th charter school authorized by LAUSD. In that LAUSD has now authorized more charter schools than any other district in California, a huge celebration took place following Excel's petition approval.

Flintridge Sacred Heart Academy Flintridge Sacred Heart Academy's mission is to educate young women in a holistic college preparatory program, where their unique gifts are viewed as essential for our world, where they are nurtured by a vibrant community of faith and where truth and love are the highest values.

Happy Valley School The Happy Valley School philosophy is drawn from the vision of our founders, who believed that the environment which encourages the fullest development of student potential is one that affords the opportunity to explore creative as well as intellectual abilities. We believe in working together in a spirit of cooperation, not conformity, seeking to cultivate and express what is excellent in each.

Idyllwild Arts Academy Idyllwild's existence, not to mention its spectacular location, is due to the vision of its founders, Dr. Max Krone and his wife Beatrice. Their goal- "to promote and advance artistic and cultural development"- was realized with Idyllwild Arts Academy, the first independent boarding high school for the arts in the Western U.S.

Julian Youth Academy All girls residential boarding school in California helping troubled teen girls through firm but loving intervention.

Midland School Midland School strives to provide a unique college preparatory boarding school experience to a diverse student body at relatively low cost. Through study and work, it teaches the value of a lifetime of learning, self-reliance, simplicity, responsibility to community and the environment, and love for the outdoors.

Monte Vista Christian School Monte Vista Christian School is not just a school, but an exciting journey; one that will endure for a lifetime. A well-qualified faculty, excellent curriculum and a healthy, picturesque environment will enhance every student's experience.

Ojai Valley School The philosophy of Ojai Valley School is contained in the motto "Integer Vitae," meaning wholeness of life, symmetry of life, soundness of life, and, therefore, poise and strength of life. To accommodate this school philosophy, every effort is made to create an atmosphere for students and faculty that is conducive to learning and growing through the framework of a warm family environment.

Rio Lindo Adventist Academy Rio Lindo Adventist Academy offers an accredited, coeducational, Christian education with the mission "to provide the highest quality, private education, in the state of California, within a nurturing, Christian environment."

San Domenico School San Domenico School continues its 152 year history of offering challenging college preparatory educational opportunities to students of all faiths and backgrounds. Known for its high standards as an institution and its values-based education, the school is sponsored by the Dominican Sisters of San Rafael operating with full accreditation.

Santa Catalina School Santa Catalina School, an independent accredited Catholic school founded in 1950, is somewhat unique in its configuration within the realm of independent schools. The thirty-six acre campus, just three miles from the center of Monterey, is home to both a coeducational day lower school (Preschool-Grade 8) with 268 students and an all-girls resident and day upper school (Grades 9-12) with 299 students.

Southwestern Academy Southwestern Academy offers a warm, friendly, safe and supportive environment for boys and girls to grow toward success. Founded in 1924, Southwestern is an accredited, not-for-profit, independent school offering classes for grades six through high school with a thorough college preparatory program affording students personal attention to prepare them for universities and for life.

Squaw Valley Academy Squaw Valley Academy is a California 6th-12th grade boarding school and day school founded in 1978 to offer a combination of college preparatory learning, outdoor education, and sports opportunities in the scenic California High Sierra at Lake Tahoe. SVA offers strong preparation for college as its central focus and many outdoor sports and activities as a catalyst for personal growth and achievement.

St. Catherine's Military Academy St. Catherine's, a Catholic school with a military tradition, academic program strives for excellence with caring and supportive teachers experienced in working with boys in a structured environment. St. Catherine's dormitory staff offers boys an environment that allows them to feel secure and cared for as well as provides an experience that fosters rich, lifelong relationships with their peers.

St. Catherine's Military Academy St. Catherine's is the only Catholic, international, military boarding school for grades K-8 in the U.S. For more than 100 years we have provided excellence in education in a nurturing and safe environment, instilling pride and self discipline in our cadets. Our graduates go on to the finest college prep schools in the country.

Stevenson School Students at Stevenson have the responsibility to prepare for the college years by sharpening the mind, expanding academic knowledge, and stretching intellectual reach; love the arts, nature, recreation, and friends: and to respect yourself, and respect everyone else whose life touches yours.

The Athenian School Athenian provides an engaging, challenging education on this beautiful 75-acre campus at the base of Mt. Diablo near San Francisco in Northern California. Class size averages fifteen students, and virtually 100% of our graduates gain admission to outstanding four-year colleges. Athenian prepares a talented and diverse student body for the rigors of college and for a life of purpose and personal fulfillment.

The Oak Grove School The intent of the Oak Grove School is for students to develop the skills necessary to function in society, and at the same time to develop a foundation for inquiry into perennial questions of human life. Consistent with the views of its founder, the school does not subscribe to any creed or ideology. Rather, it assists students in the open-minded investigation of enduring human issues.

The Thacher School The Thacher School is a coeducational boarding high school located 85 miles north of Los Angeles. The School serves academically talented students who will benefit from a rigorous college preparatory experience. The faculty and students live and work closely together in a community in which cooperation, trust, honesty, and respect are the cornerstones of school life.

The Webb Schools The mission of Webb Schools is to provide a superior academic, athletic, and residential experience within the unique context of a coordinate school structure by offering the full benefit of living and learning in a diverse and supportive community. Principles and traditions of honor and leadership are reinforced through a climate of mutual trust, responsible and caring behavior, service to the school and the community, support of personal development and self-worth, and a strong appreciation of the common good.

Villanova Preparatory School In the Augustinian tradition, Villanova Preparatory School’s mission is to graduate mature young adults of diverse backgrounds who express to the world the qualities of love, truth and community.

Woodside Priory

What is a good education? A standard answer but an incomplete one is "highly qualified teachers, a rigorous curriculum, and evidence that the students learned their lessons well." A Woodside Priory education offers students three additional components: a discovery of personal ethics, a commitment to his or her community, and an informed sense of direction in his or her life.

Boarding Schools in Colorado-- Association of Colorado Independent Schools The Association of Colorado Independent Schools accredits, supports, and promotes independent schools in Colorado in a way that respects each school's mission and fosters excellence in teaching and learning. Independent schools vary widely in emphasis, style, extracurricular offerings, and academic expectations and experiences. Colorado Rocky Mountain School For 50 years, Colorado Rocky Mountain School has educated the whole child. Within their balanced program of college-preparatory academics, arts, community service, and athletics, students are prepared for college — and for life. Colorado Timberline Academy Colorado Timberline Academy is a non-profit, college and outdoor oriented, co-educational, secondary boarding school dedicated to the enrichment and growth of each of its members in a community mountain setting. CTA strives to create academic and personal development by fostering individuality, freedom with responsibility, creativity, respect for the outdoors and global awareness. Excel Academy Excel focuses on providing a learning environment for gifted and talented students; not only because such an environment is sorely needed in the community but because it provides an expectation for all students to achieve regardless of their native abilities. Fountain Valley School Fountain Valley School is an independent, coeducational, college-preparatory, boarding and day school located just outside of Colorado Springs, Colorado. The panoramas of open prairie and snow-capped mountains are a continual source of personal inspiration, as well as a reminder of the opportunities and responsibilities that lie beyond the School's boundaries. Lowell Whiteman School Lowell Whiteman school is a small, independent, co-educational secondary school for boarding and day students who wish to complement a college preparatory liberal arts curriculum with the excitement of wilderness and world explorations. High quality teaching, low student to teacher ratios, and supervised study are the cornerstones of the scholastic program. Monarch Center for Family Healing Monarch Center for Family Healing is a wilderness therapy program and teen treatment center that provides help for youths and troubled teens between the ages of 10 and 18 that are struggling with their relationships with parents, friends, teachers, etc., delinquency, substance abuse, poor school performance, legal problems, etc. Boarding Schools in Connecticut-- Canterbury School Canterbury is a college preparatory, coeducational boarding school for students in grades 9-12. The School prides itself on creating a community based on Catholic values. The School's educational environment fosters academic rigor, athletic development, artistic enrichment and spiritual growth. Glenholme School The Glenholme School is a family choice boarding school for children with special needs situated on over 100 idyllic acres of Connecticut countryside. Children ages 10 to 18, at admission, who need a highly structured learning environment can prosper in this safe, nurturing school. It provides a value-based program to show students the way to academic success. Kent School Students at Kent are part of a dynamic community of learning. Through a challenging academic program, with instruction provided by our talented faculty, Kent's strong college preparatory curriculum provides a classical liberal arts education, preparing students to go on to study at leading colleges and universities. Marianapolis Preparatory School Marianapolis Preparatory School offers a rigorous program of studies comprised of honors and Advanced Placement courses, an average class size of 13, state-of-the-art technology labs, and a comprehensive advisor system. Marianapolis also boasts competitive athletic teams and an extensive visual and performing arts program. Miss Porter's School Miss Porter's School excels at preparing young women for college, for leadership, and for life. Their attentive, diverse boarding and day community provides a demanding curriculum — academic, artistic, athletic, and residential. They challenge their students to become informed, bold, resourceful, and ethical global citizens. They expect their graduates to shape a changing world. Pomfret School Pomfret School maintains rigorous academic standards and holds high expectations of its students and faculty. The Pomfret community fosters an intellectual freedom that requires academic discipline and creates opportunities for hard work and play. A Pomfret education is not just the acquisition of information or learning other people's ideas, but it is also the process of growing as a person and as part of a community. Saint Thomas More School Saint Thomas More School is an accredited college preparatory boarding school in the Catholic tradition for young men who have demonstrated intellectual ability yet have not realized their potential. Within a structured environment, we strive to motivate, nurture, and strengthen the intellectual, moral, physical, and social development of every student. Salisbury School The mission of Salisbury School is to educate young men by inspiring in each student an enthusiasm for learning and the self-confidence needed for intellectual, spiritual, physical, and moral development. The close partnership of student and teacher encourages each young man to take pride in his accomplishments, to think critically and creatively, to participate actively in his own education, and to make responsible decisions for his future. South Kent School Three principles define South Kent School: Simplicity of Life, Self-Reliance, and Directness of Purpose. South Kent School fosters these principles in a community, small in numbers, that provides a safe and supportive family structure. The Ethel Walker School The Ethel Walker School, founded in 1911, is an independent, college preparatory boarding and day school for girls in grades 6 to 12. This diverse community of learners and friends strives to live according to the values of honor and excellence. Each young woman finds her unique voice and learns to contribute it to the pursuit of these values. The Grove School The Grove School is a therapeutic boarding school for emotionally fragile teenagers. The Grove School is designed to meet the needs of adolescent boys and girls (11 years of age and older) with average or above average intelligence, who have been unsuccessful in making a satisfactory adjustment in their homes, in their schools, or in their social relationships. Boarding Schools in Delaware-- Cedars Academy The Cedars Academy is a co-educational private preparatory school for students ages 10-18 who demonstrate a need for enhanced academic and social skill development. Our philosophy is that our students can develop stronger academic skills, and will benefit from a more secure and well-developed self-esteem. The program at Cedars is based upon our understanding of the comprehensive nature of the learning problems characteristic of the student we enroll, many who have been classified as having learning disabilities or ADHD. These students tend to encounter difficulties in the classroom, with peers, and among the family because they process and perceive information differently than others. Traditional educational methods have put these students in a situation where failure is guaranteed. We offer a structured education in an intimate academic environment with small class sizes and individual attention. The academic curriculum at Cedars is designed to prepare students for a college-bound course throughout their studies. The faculty at Cedars teach that making an effort to work at each step, as best one can, is the way to be successful. Saint Andrew's School The purpose of St. Andrew's School is to provide secondary education of a definitely Christian character at a minimum cost consistent with modern equipment and highest standards. As an Episcopal School, St. Andrew's is grounded in and upheld by our Episcopal identity, welcoming persons regardless of their religious background. Boarding Schools in District of Columbia-- Universal Ballet Academy The Universal Ballet Academy is a place where students work together to realize their potential in their art - classical ballet. They push their limits and make new friends for life. Our staff is always there trying to help every step of the way. Students participate in the development and structuring of activities, events and excursions by joining planning committees of their choice. Boarding Schools in Florida-- Admiral Farragut Academy The Academy is America's first preparatory school with Naval training. It is an independent coeducational day and boarding school (both 5 & 7 day boarding) that has earned the title of Honor Naval School through our Naval Junior ROTC program. Student population is made up of grades Pre-Kindergarten through 12. All Saints' Episcopal School All Saints' Episcopal School in historic Vicksburg, Mississippi exists to nurture the gifts that make your child unique. Through highly individualized attention, we can help your child to succeed in the classroom like never before, which is the surest way for your child to reach his or her potential in college and beyond. Montverde Academy Montverde Academy, located in Montverde, Florida (just outside of Orlando), is an independent, coeducational boarding and day school, offering an enriching day and boarding program for seventh grade through 12th grade. The three principles of knowledge, character, and community have guided five generations of Montverde Academy students since the school was established in 1912. Saint Andrew's School Saint Andrew's School alumni will be healthy, responsible, and accomplished individuals of honor, integrity, and respect, who have achieved academic excellence. The school continues to cultivate a morally courageous community of learners who seek and find the best of the human spirit in themselves and others. The Bolles School The Bolles School prepares students for college and life by inspiring achievement, integrity, confidence, and compassion in an academic community dedicated to nurturing mind, body, and soul. Accordingly, Bolles provides an unequaled breadth of opportunities and experiences which enable every student to optimize his or her unique interests, abilities, and talents. The North Broward Preparatory Schools A Southern Association of Colleges and Schools (SACS) and Florida Council of Independent Schools (FCIS) accredited college-preparatory independent school of 2,100 students in grades PK-12 serving the Palm Beach and Broward Counties of Southern Florida since 1957. Vanguard School The mission of the Vanguard School is to provide an individualized program in a nurturing environment which enables students to develop to their fullest capabilities: Academically, Socially and Personally. Boarding Schools in Georgia-- Brandon Hall Brandon Hall provides both one-on-one and small group college preparatory classes for students who, for a variety of reasons, have not been achieving their potential. Emphasizing personal attention, organization, structure, accountability, the ordering of priorities, applied study skills, and multi-sensory instruction, the school seeks to motivate each student to fulfill the school’s motto, ad renovandum ac florendum, to begin anew and flourish. Brenau Academy Brenau Academy was founded in 1928 on the campus of Brenau Women's College by Dr. H.J. Pearce, who saw a need to provide exemplary secondary education to young women. Brenau Academy's program is designed to foster the growth of an open and inquiring mind and to prepare graduates for admission to college. Darlington School Darlington School, an independent, coeducational, college preparatory school, serves high school-aged boarders and day students in pre-kindergarten through twelfth grade. Hidden Lake Academy Hidden Lake Academy's mission is to provide a learning experience for students that have not succeeded academically or socially in other settings. They address the development of a whole child. They facilitate intellectual development through academic challenge and support; emotional and social growth through supportive group therapy; spiritual insight through a variety of inspirational opportunities; and physical development through recreational and wilderness based experiences. Rabun Gap-Nacoochee School Rabun Gap-Nacoochee School's mission is to create an environment of order, truth, caring, and concern where the students of diverse economic and cultural backgrounds learn to live together with new understanding, and prepare for college by beginning the habit of life long learning, and personal and spiritual development. Riverside Military Academy Riverside Military Academy, one of the nation’s finest college preparatory academies for young men in grades seven through twelve, strives to provide a supportive and challenging educational environment that fosters scholarly competence and intellectual curiosity, enhances spiritual and physical fitness, and develops leadership skills and the strength of character necessary for success in college and in life. Tallulah Falls School At Tallulah Falls School the quality of the academic program and the academic success of students are priorities that form the foundation for the School. A dedicated and highly qualified faculty, outstanding facilities, a broad and challenging curriculum, small classes, and eager, motivated students all contribute to the accomplishment of academic goals. Online Parent Support

Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Psychology Today]

A quote from an interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Psychology Today]:

“Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.”

Online Parent Support

He smokes weed...

Hi S.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark

I would appreciate some help in getting through our latest development right as I am not sure if I have handled it right or how I should continue moving forward as it is so near to Christmas. I gave my son money to go shopping for clothes for Christmas.

This was a big trust issue as he smokes weed but things have been a bit better since I started using your techniques.

In the future, it will be best for you to go with him to buy the clothes so that you can be assured that the money is spent on clothes rather than drugs. And it seems that drug abuse is really the larger issue here.

It's O.K. to give gifts during Christmas, birthdays and graduation. But all other "gift-giving" must be earned.

He spent 60% of the money and said he wanted to use the rest to spend in the sales. I asked him to give it back and he refused and promised to keep it. I decided to trust him but made it clear that he was not to spend it. Next day he asked if he could use some for a pizza, I said no and said that I wanted the money back and he would get it Christmas day. He refused I told him if he chose to do keep the money he would lose his play station until I got it back. He did not return the money so I removed his play station deadlock ensued which led me to believe that he had spent the money so I asked him if he had the money to give me or had he spent it then the consequence would be grounding for 2 days. After a lot of shouting and aggressive behaviour throughout which I kept to the rules; best poker face and refusing to argue, I did explain once why he should not have spent the money, he tried to tell me he had bought a Christmas present for me and a load of other cock and bull about going to McDonalds, I know he spent it on drugs although I never said this. He became very threatening and I called the police when he pushed me and through a wet towel in my face. The police let me down because after 15 mins they called back and asked if I still wanted them to come? As the situation had calmed down I said no.

Be sure to say 'yes' next time. You stopped short here. You certainly do not want to send a clear message to your son that it is O.K. to batter women.

He admitted he had spent most of the money but gave me what was left and I said thank you but he was grounded for spending the money without permission, he refused to accept this and I told him I would not argue but that if he chose to ignore the grounding he would lose all of his privileges until he did his grounding. I have removed his Sky box and play station but all that has happened is that he has shouted a load of abuse and gone out. I am not sure if I have handled this well and we are only a few days away from Christmas. What do I do just keep going? Offer a life line, if so what? If I have to keep going do I give Christmas presents? Help!

Please review the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [online version of the eBook]. As you should know by now, we never take stuff away for more that 7 days -- and 3 days works best. Thus, the discipline should not cut into Christmas time.

Before I sign off can I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the help this programme has given me, I was at my wits end, I cannot remember a happy moment with my son in years and judging from what you say it may be a long time yet but you have given me a way to deal with it. So I hope you will accept my best wishes to you and your family for a Happy Christmas and New Year.

Thank you! Merry Christmas.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

She lies, drinks, smokes, tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money...

My 16 yo daughter has left to live with her bf she lies, drinks, smokes tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money. She wants to live like a 20yo but has no job is with people that are quite often in trouble with the police. I just want her to come home and go back to school. She just wants to do what she wants when she wants and the way she wants. I’ve tried reasoning calmly, getting angry, being tough, making her feel guilty, nothing seems to work, she is just so stubborn about what she wants to do she doesn’t seem to care, about herself, her future or her family. Please help!!!

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Hi N.,

We always want to allow our kids to make mistakes (unless it is life-threatening of course). Making mistakes is the ONLY way a strong-willed child learns. So, to save her from making the mistake of living with her boyfriend also disallows her a learning/growing opportunity.

This relationship with the 20-year-old is not likely to last very long. Let her know that she is always welcome to return home – BUT under your guidelines/rules – not hers. Draft a contract soon – like later tonight – that lays out in great detail what will be required of her in order for her to live in your house. Then when (notice I said “when” rather than “if”) she starts whining to you about how her boyfriend is mistreating her and wants to come home – make her sign the contract up front.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have a huge struggle that is brewing...

Mark,

I have posted this on the blog but did not find it. I have a 13-year-old daughter that is a cutter. She is getting help with that. Anyway I have a huge struggle that is brewing. We had a agreement that she could have a cell phone after she raised her F in school, now she has two F's. She is telling me the only thing she wants for Christmas is a cell phone and if I get her one I will be amazed how much her grades will go up because she will be happy and right now she is very unhappy. She hates being home, hates me, and wants to go and live with a friend. Is this battle about the phone worth her leaving the home to a foster home because living at this friend’s is out of the question? I am thinking I will stand my ground on our agreement the first time. Please help!

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Hi A.,

Submissions to the blog go through an editorial review by staff before they are posted. This takes anywhere from 1 to 24 hours. In any event, I see that your post has made it to the blog. You should get some responses from other OPS members.

Re: cell phone. You're right to stand your ground. And as I'm sure you know - a new cell phone will not be any incentive for her to raise her grades.

Re: foster care. That won't be an option for you. Unless you're found to be an unfit mother, the court will not consider placing her in foster care.

You are only a week into this thing -- you have 3 more sessions to go. I'm very sure you will get the answers you need as you digest the material. Be sure to watch all the instructional videos. Email me after you get through the program, and we will trouble shoot on any remaining problems.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have created a little girl who has total control and I have none...

Dear Mark, I just purchased your on line therapy book and after reading the first few pages i just cried and cried. I am a single mum of a wild 14 year old girl. I came from a bad childhood and therefore have parented all wrong !!! all love, attention and gifts etc and as a result i have created a little girl who has total control and I have none. I now suffer extreme depression and anxiety and have contemplated ending my life. Listening to your audio is giving me strength and confidence to turn this all around. Thank you so much for your program... you are like an angel that has come from nowhere. Once again thank you.

Online Parent Support

Last week he was arrested for shoplifting...

Hi Mark, we have been trying to work through the programme but are having difficulty with consequences, for example to breaking curfews. In the past 2 months, I__ has made new friends that we don't know, is secretive and has decided he can do what he wants. The change was so sudden, we're in shock! Last week he was arrested for shoplifting and today, I got a call from the Transit police saying that he was riding the skytrain without a ticket. The constable said he was heading into a bad area and hanging out with undesirables. We grounded him for three days after the shoplifting but he only stayed home for one day then snuck out again. It seems that we're unable to make the grounding stick and we are alarmed about the changes in him. He seems quite detached, agrees with everything we say and then does what he wants. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, when teen’s behavior changes radically and suddenly, it is nearly always the case that he/she is experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol – and possibly has already developed a drug habit. Thus, you may have bigger fish to fry than “grounding problems.”

Secondly, he already received a “natural” consequence for shoplifting (just be sure he pays any fines out of his own money). When a teen is caught shoplifting, it is rarely the case that it is the first time. 

Here are a few ways that parents can use shoplifting incidents to teach lessons:

1. “Volunteer” his time at a community agency.
2. Assign him to write a paper on stealing.
3. Have him apologize – in person, in writing, or both – to the people he stole from. If it’s a store, have him apologize to the manager.
4. Make him buy some educational materials to donate to a local school, the police department or a community agency.
5. Make the offender repay the price of the merchandise. If he doesn’t have the money, make him work it off. Be creative.
6. When choosing to limit your child’s privileges, make sure it is something you have control over and can follow through on.

Thirdly, I’m not sure where you live, so I have no way of knowing what the Juvenile Codes (laws) are in your area. In the U.S., the recommendation to parents in your shoes is for them to (a) call police at the time curfew has been violated in order to file a report, (b) go to the local Juvenile Probation Department and file either “runaway” or “incorrigibility” complaints in order to enlist the help of an Officer of the Court, and (c) while the child is running the streets, confiscate everything (e.g., computers, cell phones, junk food, bedroom doors, video games, etc.). 

In worst-case scenarios - and depending on the child’s age - parents have been known to move their child out of the house to go live with a trusted friend, family member, residential facility, etc.

Bottom line: This is serious. You will have to pull the term “tough love” to a whole new level to address this properly.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He didn't come home last night...

Hi Mark,

From my last email you could see things were progressing well and you said they would get worse before they got better. Anyway, it was the winter formal at the high school last night. A__ asked if he could stay at a friends house after the dance and we said no, we don't want to argue about it.............anyway, he called twice still trying to stay at a friends house, we continued to say no.......So, he didn't come home last night, he was to be home at 1:30am, he had no excuse for not coming back we even told him that we'd pick him up from wherever he was at 1:30am if he didn't have a ride.

So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else? Let me remind you that he was kicked out for not listening to our rules and only allowed to return on Tuesday evening being 3 days ago.

J.

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Hi J.,

First of all, don't be disappointed. Set-backs like this are very common (in fact I would wonder what's wrong if you didn't have any set-backs periodically).

Clearly, staying at the friend's house was very important to him.

Allow him to make these mistakes, then calmly implement the appropriate consequence as outlined in session #3.

Re: So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else?

I am quite concerned that you are leaping ahead in the program. You should still be in session #1. You will learn that we do not start out with 3-days for discipline. It will be best for you to digest most of the material -- and then ask any unanswered questions. Many of the questions you seem to be having here in the early going will be addressed in the eBook.

A good rule of thumb for new members of OPS is as follows:

Handle problems the way you ordinarily would -- until instructed to do it differently.

We must not implement of bunch of new parenting techniques over night. If we do, it will most likely be the kiss of failure. And most parents are really tired of failing.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Speak softly, and carry a big stick...

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks. S.

Click here for my response...

His pediatrician refers to him as a "case study"...

Good morning Mark,

Oh my God, it is actually working. Adam has now been back at home 2 days and last night he tried pushing our buttons again, with no success. We remained calm and told he we didn't want to argue. He wanted to use the car to go to his friend’s house and we said that he had nothing to earn the use of the car. We told him if he did his homework he could use it and he chose not to, so he walked. Before he left he said something odd he said "you guys aren't talking to me", I said "I don't know what you mean, we talked all through dinner and after dinner (when we insisted he do dishes).....". Anyway, you know what we didn't do, we didn't yell and scream and I guess he thought that we hadn't talked to him because of it....very strange. We said we loved him before he went to bed and this morning before he left and asked him to make good choices today. My husband has a hard time telling him that he loves him, but he did it, I was very proud of him. Actually, I think we both have a hard time saying "I love you" right now, because he has been so awful to be around.

I guess you might not really want an update, but I just needed to tell you because I was soooo impressed.

Oh, one more thing, our son is severe ADHD to a point that his pediatrician refers to him as a "case study" and has agreed to keep him on as a patient until he is 18 instead of 16.

J.

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Hi J.,

Thank you for the update. Updates are always welcome -- even if they are not so pretty.

Mark

Online Parent Support

This program makes a lot of sense to me...

Dear Mark,

I am sure you have heard it all before...but I was (am) at my wits in with my 15-year-old son. We have made our first appearance in the court for his truancy. He attends school every day, but he "skips" the detention classes and our district is strict on it's policy and counts this as an absent.

He is failing every class except Gym and a sports fitness class. They are very low F's in the 20-30%, which tells me he is just physically there and not contributing at all. It started last year, new school he played football his 8th grade year, he is a very good athlete. His grades started to fail and the school couldn't let him play basketball. He gave up when they took his sports away from him. Even after informing him that if he brought his grades up he could be a starter on the varsity team his freshman year. He wouldn't do the schoolwork to get him back on track again.

All he does now is come home and shut the door to his room, play online video games. Never speaks unless he wants something. I know that I spoiled him, over indulgence. His dad and I have been divorced for 13 years, and we have always put him first. His dad and I have been close and remain so. I have been remarried for 11 years, and my son and husband don't have much respect for each other.

So when I came across your website and ebook, I bought it right away! I am so excited to have access to this knowledge. We are to start family therapy in January through our local University, which was ordered by the court. I felt I needed something right away, and I am so glad I came upon your program. I look forward to working the program and having a relationship with my son again.

I never thought that my over indulgence with my son would cause all the behavior that we have been experiencing in the house. Just about every "symptom" of over indulgence you have explained, he is (we are) experiencing.

I love my son. I want to see him succeed in life and in love. Besides his bad behavior and lack of academic success, he is a good kid. I believe with the help of your program, I can possibly get my entire family back on track again. So thank you, I just feel this is my answer.

This program makes a lot of sense to me. I appreciate the straight talk and not a bunch of lists and personal research. I need help now and that is what I feel this offers.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

C.R.

Online Parent Support

When Kids Refuse To Attend School: Case Examples

Sara, an eight-year-old girl, has always had difficulty attending school. Since she began third grade two months ago, her problems have significantly worsened. She constantly begs to stay home from school, having tantrums that cause delay in dressing and often result in her missing the bus. After arriving at school, Sara frequently complains of stomachaches, headaches and a sore throat to her teacher and asks to visit the school nurse with whom she pleads to call her mother. Her mother typically picks her up early twice a week. When Sara gets home she spends the remainder of the afternoon watching TV and playing with her toys. When her mother is unable to pick her up early, Sara calls her mother's cell phone periodically throughout the afternoon to "check in" and reassure herself that nothing bad has happened. Sara's teacher has expressed concern about her missing so much class time, which has resulted in incomplete assignments and difficulty learning.

Craig is a fourteen-year-old boy who has missed forty-three days of school since beginning the eighth grade four months ago. When home from school, Craig spends most of the day online or playing video games. On the days he does attend school he is typically late for his first period, which enables him to avoid hanging out with other kids before class. He always goes to the library during lunch. When he does go to class, he sits in the back of the classroom, never raises his hand and has difficulty working on group projects. Craig's teachers have noticed that he is always absent on days that tests or book reports are scheduled. His moms & dads have already punished him after his first report card came home since he received D's in Math and Social Studies and failed Gym for cutting. Craig's moms & dads have started to wonder if they should change his school placement and have asked the school to arrange home tutoring while this alternative is explored.

Prevalence and defining characteristics—

As much as 28% of school aged kids in America refuse school at some point during their education.1 School refusal behavior is as common among boys as girls. While any youngster aged 5-17 may refuse to attend school, most youths who refuse are 10-13 years old. Peaks in school refusal behavior are also seen at times of transition such as 5-6 and 14-15 years as kids enter new schools. Although the problem is considerably more prevalent in some urban areas, it is seen equally across socioeconomic levels.

Sara and Craig are just two examples of how school refusal manifests in youth. The hallmark of this behavior is its heterogeneity. Defined as substantial, youngster-motivated refusal to attend school and/or difficulties remaining in class for an entire day, the term "school refusal behavior" replaces obsolete terms such as "truancy" or "school phobia," because such labels do not adequately or accurately represent all youths who have difficulty attending school. School refusal behavior is seen as a continuum that includes youths who always miss school as well as those who rarely miss school but attend under duress. Hence, school refusal behavior is identified in youths aged 5-17 years who:

1. go to school following crying, clinging, tantrums or other intense behavior problems
2. exhibit unusual distress during school days that leads to pleas for future absenteeism
3. attend school initially but leave during the course of the school day
4. are entirely absent from school

As evidenced by Sara and Craig, there are varying degrees of school refusal behavior. Initial school refusal behavior for a brief period may resolve without intervention. Substantial school refusal behavior occurs for a minimum of two weeks. Acute school refusal behavior involves cases lasting two weeks to one year, being a consistent problem for the majority of that time. Chronic school refusal behavior interferes with two or more academic years as this refers to cases lasting more than one calendar year. Youths who are absent from school as a result of chronic physical illness, school withdrawal which is motivated by moms & dads or societal conditions such as homelessness, or running away to avoid abuse should not be included in the above definition of school refusal behavior as these factors are not youngster-initiated.

While some school refusers exhibit a more heterogeneous presentation, typically these youths can be categorized into two main types of troublesome behavior -- internalizing or externalizing problems. The most prevalent internalizing problems are generalized worrying ("the worry-wart"), social anxiety and isolation, depression, fatigue, and physical complaints (e.g. stomachaches, nausea, tremors and headaches). The most prevalent externalizing problems are tantrums (including crying and screaming), verbal and physical aggression, and oppositional behavior.

The cause and maintenance of school refusal behavior—

Sara had several physiological symptoms at school and went home to be with her mother and play. Craig on the other hand, avoided potentially distressing social and evaluative situations at school, which negatively impacted his academic performance. Although many behaviors characterize youths who refuse school, there are a few variables that serve to cause and maintain this problem. School refusal behavior occurs for one or more of the following reasons:

1. To receive attention from significant others outside of school
2. To pursue tangible reinforcement outside of school
3. To escape uncomfortable peer interactions and/or academic performance situations such as test-taking or oral presentations
4. To avoid school-related objects or situations that cause general distress such as anxiety, depression or physiological symptoms

The above four reasons for school refusal behavior can be explained by principles of reinforcement. Any one youngster can refuse school for one or more of these reasons. The first two reasons characterize youths who refuse school to avoid or escape something unpleasant (negative reinforcement). For example, one of the reasons for Sara's crying in the morning is her fear of riding the school bus. By tantruming she accomplishes her goal of avoiding the school-related object (the school bus) that causes her distress.

Another example of negative reinforcement is when Craig escapes aversive peer interactions and exams by school refusing. The third and fourth reasons characterize youths who refuse school to gain rewards (positive reinforcement). Sara, as is common with many younger kids, tries to avoid school as a means of having her mother provide her with excessive attention and closeness. Thus, Sara's behavior in this situation may be associated with separation anxiety.

Another instance of positive reinforcement is exemplified by Craig, who basically has more fun being at home on the computer and listening to music than being in school. It is important to note that alcohol and drug use can occur among adolescents who school refuse for one or more of the reasons listed above. For example, a teenager who is extremely socially anxious may drink alcohol as a way of enduring distressing social or evaluative situations. Another youngster who avoids school may smoke marijuana during school hours as a means of gaining acceptance by peers or simply because it is more enjoyable than attending school.

While all forms of school refusal can be equally debilitating, typically, mental health professionals receive fewer referrals for youths who have internalizing as opposed to externalizing behavior problems. In other words, the youth who exhibits anxiety is less likely to receive treatment than the youth who is disruptive.

Treatment—

School personnel -- teachers, nurses, principals -- are frequently the first professionals to identify the existence of a problem that requires immediate attention and intervention. As such, school personnel play a vital role in alerting moms & dads to the problem and helping facilitate referrals for treatment by mental health specialists. The next step towards effective treatment by mental health professionals is gaining an understanding of the reasons that motivate school refusal. While school refusal per se is not a clinical disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, it can be associated with several psychiatric disorders (e.g. Separation Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Conduct Disorder). Thus, it is vital that youths who are school refusing receive a comprehensive evaluation that includes a structured diagnostic interview and empirically supported assessment measures, such as "The School Refusal Assessment Scale" (SRAS), to understand the biopsychosocial factors contributing to their behavior.

Once a clear diagnostic picture is established, an individualized treatment plan can be developed to address the positive and negative reinforcers that are associated with the school refusal behavior and comorbid psychiatric disorders.

The traditional treatments for school refusal behavior employed by mental health professionals have unfortunately had limited effectiveness. While certain treatment modalities such as psychodynamic therapies, forced school attendance, family-based techniques, medication and use of systematic desensitization work as the sole treatment modality for some youngsters, not all kids who refuse school will improve with the chosen treatment. Thus, clinical scientists have developed a scientifically-based, comprehensive assessment and treatment package for youths with school refusal behavior.

Consultation with youngster psychiatrists may be necessary in certain cases of school refusal behavior that involve highly complicated clinical symptoms and comorbidities. For example, in order to increase the probability of successful therapeutic intervention, the youngster refusing school who exhibits mainly internalizing problems may benefit from adjunctive pharmacotherapy (e.g., Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor - SSRI) to help lower his or her anxiety.

Returning to our case examples, careful evaluation revealed that Sara's school refusal behavior was initially a function of separation anxiety which was positively reinforced by having her mother's attention and play time during school hours. This lead her therapist to design a treatment program combining somatic management skills, practice in being away from her mom and parent training in contingency management. Following Craig’s evaluation he was prescribed a treatment to address his social anxiety that motivated his school refusal. Craig's behavior was negatively reinforced by avoiding social and evaluative situations. Thus, his treatment plan involved cognitive restructuring, role-plays, social skills and problem-solving skills, and gradual reintroduction to school.

In addition, a strong working relationship between the therapist and the youth's school officials is an integral component of a successful treatment program for school refusal behavior. As an example, through a structured treatment plan with clear goals and a definitive time frame, a helpful school official might facilitate Craig’s return to school or Sara remaining in her classroom rather than the nurse's office.

TREATMENT COMPONENTS FOR EACH FUNCTION OF SCHOOL REFUSAL BEHAVIOR:

Escape from negative affect—(Sadness, the blues, fears, generalized anxiety and worry, separation anxiety, various phobias):

· Somatic management skills such as breathing retraining or progressive muscle relaxation training
· Gradual reintroduction (exposure) to school
· Self-reinforcement and building self efficacy

Escape from aversive social and evaluative situations—(Social phobia, test anxiety, public speaking fears, shyness, social skills deficits):

· Cognitive restructuring of negative self-talk
· Role play practice
· Graded exposure tasks involving real-life situations
· Social skills training and problem-solving skills training
· Building coping templates

Attention-seeking behavior—(Tantrums, crying, clinging, separation anxiety):

· Parent training in contingency management
· Changing parent commands
· Establishing routines
· Use of rewards and punishers for school attendance and school refusal
· Forced attendance, if necessary and under special circumstances

Positive tangible reinforcement—(Lack of structure or respect for house rules and responsibilities, free access to reinforcement, disregard for limits):

· Contracting with moms & dads to increase incentive for school attendance
· Curtail social and other activities as a result of nonattendance
· Provide the family with alternative problem-solving strategies to reduce conflict
· Communication skills and peer refusal skills are also sometimes added to this process

When kids like Sara and Craig refuse school, immediate intervention is necessary not only because school attendance is mandated by law, but also to address negative social, psychological and academic consequences to the youth and family. If not identified and treated, school refusal behavior has severe short- and long-term consequences. Some of the short-term consequences of school refusal behavior include significant youngster stress, deteriorating school performance, social isolation, and family tension and conflict. Some of the longer-term consequences include decreased probability of attending college, impaired social functioning impacting personal and professional goals, and increased risk of substance abuse, anxiety and depression in adulthood.

Furthermore, the longer the youth refuses to attend school, the greater the risk of these problems developing. Taken together, it is essential that kids, moms & dads, mental health professionals, and school officials act collectively to further understand school refusal. It remains a prevalent and potentially grave problem that is under-investigated regarding empirically-based assessment and treatment.

Online Parent Support

We do have a situation in hour house...

Hi Mark,

Thank you for contacting me, I am currently reading the book. We have taken a chapter to work with my son. So far we have been able to remove the TV from his room as consequence to fixing the door that he broke (during one of his outrages). He is working to catch up with his school work. He had failed the 9th grade once already and he is taking 9th and 10th grade classes right now. So we will definitely use the material as you may tell we do have a situation in hour house.

Thank you again.

Online Parent Support