Children & Stealing: What Parent Can Do

Hi Mark, It's been a long time since we were last in touch. I'm afraid the relationship between my son and us has completely broken down. We've left London and now live in Leeds, my son K__ didn't want to come with us, so he stayed with his grandmother who has served to cause further damage between us. We've recently started living with one of my husband's two sons, J__.

I was really pleased to be living with him, but he has brought an entirely different problem to us: He steals. From his family. So far he has stolen from four of his cousins and from my mother. He was living with my sister-in-law for a while before my husband and I were able to move to Leeds at the beginning of June. Within three weeks of living with her he had stolen over £100 - he is only twelve years old. He lies and doesn't care about the pain and upset he causes, he will just deny that he has stolen anything for months on end. When he finally admitted to stealing from his aunt's house, he went around there with the intention of apologising for as little as he could get away with. In the end, because I told him I would only forgive him when he made a full apology for stealing from all of the people he had really stollen from, he finally admitted to it and told what he had done with the money, how he had spent it, etc.

He can no longer stay at his aunt's house. So, he is staying with us at my mother's house until our home is renovated (hence him not living with us in the first place). The only thing is, he stole from my mother the very next day after making his "full apology" at his aunt's house. He has not apologised for stealing from my mother, nor has he admitted to it or given the money back. Today, it has come to light that he has stolen from his six year old cousin (on my side of the family) whilst she was staying here at my mother's with her parents and other siblings.

I'm really annoyed with him and by him. He is SO polite all of the time and yet he could steal without the least bit of conscience at all. He told me once that when he steals it's nothing personal, he doesn't dislike the person he steals from. He said that he didn't see the point of apologising or giving the money back because it's like when you squeeze out too much toothpaste from the tube; you can't put it back in so what's the point of trying?

I really don't know what to do about him. I can already feel resentment building because I don't like the idea of bringing a thief into my mother's home so that he can take what he pleases. He has created financial impacts on us because my husband has taken time off work to deal with his misbehaviour (he only gets paid when he works) and we have to pay the money back he keeps stealing because he doesn't get much pocket money. I want his stealing to stop. I know what I would do if he were my son, but he isn't so it's very difficult for me. Do you have any advice? With thanks in advance, N.

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Hi N.

 

Regardless of why kids steal, the stealing itself must be handled by following the steps below. Knowing what lies behind the stealing helps you recognize patterns that may be occurring in other parts of your youngster's life. It also assists you in understanding needs that aren't being met in his life that you can teach him to meet in socially appropriate and effective ways. These are the primary reasons kids and adolescents steal:

• It is a way of seeking attention.

• It is done for revenge or to hurt somebody.

• It may support a drug habit.

• Older kids may like the risk.

• They may not have learned to respect the rights of others.

• They think taking something is the only way they can get what they want.

• They think they can get away with it.

WHAT TO DO—

When kids take items like money, toys, pens, pencils and erasers, they think that is the only way to easily get these items. Brainstorming ideas with your youngster about how to appropriately get what he wants lets him know you want him to meet his needs successfully. If he receives an allowance, offer suggestions about how he might earn extra money to buy the school supplies or toys he wants. Assist him in planning a savings budget for wanted items. 

 

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Model for him how to ask for the extra money he desires. For example, you might say, "It is not okay for you to take money from my purse (your sister's room, etc.). If you want or need money, come to me and say, 'I need extra money for pencils', or 'I want money for candy.' Sometimes we might work out a loan. Sometimes I will say that I can't give you the money. When that happens, we'll see if we can create a plan together."

If stealing is done to seek attention, the youngster usually does it in such a way that he is easily caught. Handle the stealing straightforwardly but give no extra attention to it. Do not discuss it past the time of returning or replacing the taken item. Look for positive behaviors the youngster exhibits and begin acknowledging them regularly. When kids feel acknowledged for appropriate behavior, they seek less negative attention.

Sometimes kids steal to hurt their victim or to get revenge. This can be a way siblings inappropriately handle hurt feelings with each other. Their motive is, "I'm going to make you feel as bad as you make me feel." If your youngster wants to hurt you because she feels picked on or misunderstood, she may take money from your purse or wallet. She may take something from your dresser drawer. What better way to arouse your hurt and concern?

Your own injured feelings can be a sign that this was your youngster's motive for stealing. Address your own feelings with her; then explore her hurt. You might say something like, "I feel sad and scared when you take money from me. I know you were angry this morning when I yelled at you for missing the bus. I said some unkind things. Taking my money won't solve our problem. I'm sorry I was mean. I know you weren't feeling well and didn't want to go to school." 

 

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Let her know that she can tell you she is angry. She doesn't need to take your money. If you are wrong about the motive, your youngster will let you know in such a way that you can continue exploring through positive communication. Only attempt this kind of communication when you have time to complete the process.

Kids may steal because they think they can get away with it. This is particularly true when parents are inconsistent in following through with consequences for not complying with household standards or when deviant behavior has been inconsistently addressed in the past. When we are inconsistent in our effective parenting, kids know that they have a strong chance of getting away with inappropriate behavior. In assisting our kids toward appropriate behavior, we must be willing to take the necessary time and energy for following through on set consequences for family standards.

The best way we can assist a youngster in learning to respect the rights of others is to model that respect ourselves. If we take sugar packets from restaurants, don't tell a cashier if we have received too much change or are dishonest in business transactions, we are letting our kids know this behavior is acceptable. If we take items from our kid's rooms or backpacks without asking, we are not respecting their rights. Be a good model. Teach the respect you want your youngster to give to you and others through your own respect for the rights and property of others.

When older kids and adolescents who do not have a criminal history engage in stealing, it may be to experience the high risk factor at play. Like younger kids, the motive is to see if they can get away without being caught. The stakes are high. Shoplifting or taking hubcaps or hood ornaments from cars are common choices. The sooner the adolescent needs to face the consequences of such behavior, the less likely he is to continue in it.

It is important to remember that straightforward and compassionate handling of the problem is called for. Verbally attacking the adolescent will not solve the problem, nor will consequences unrelated to the incident. If the police are involved, the consequences may not be in your hands. You may want to seek professional help if your older youngster or adolescent steals.

Kids and adolescents who are involved with drugs steal to support the drug habit. If you have any reason to believe that this is the motive for stealing, seek professional help immediately. As parents, we don't want to believe our kids use illegal drugs. Closing our eyes to the possibility is not the answer. Neither is demanding answers from our offspring or indiscriminately punishing them. Kids and adolescents who use drugs are hurting. They need guidance beyond what most parents are able to provide. Professional intervention offers the best opportunity for positive outcomes.

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Could you tell me what causes Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Is it inherited? How can you tell if a child has ODD?

No one knows for certain. The usual pattern is for problems to begin between ages 1-3. If you think about it, a lot of these behaviors are normal at age 2, but in ODD, they never go away. ODD does run in families. If a father is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law, his child is almost three times as likely to have ODD (18% of kids will have ODD if the parent is alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law).

ODD is diagnosed in the same way as many other psychiatric disorders in kids. You need to examine the child, talk with him, talk to the parents, and review the medical history. Sometimes other medical tests are necessary to make sure it is not something else. You always need to check kids out for other psychiatric disorders, because it is common for kids with ODD to have other problems, too.

My Out-of-Control Child

My child has just been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. What is it exactly?

OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by two different sets of problems. These are aggressiveness and a tendency to purposefully bother and irritate others. It is often the reason that people seek treatment. When OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is present with ADHD, depression, tourette's, anxiety disorders, or other neuropsychiatric disorders, it makes life with that child far more difficult. For Example, ADHD plus OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER is much worse than ADHD alone, often enough to make people seek treatment. The criteria for OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER are:

A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present:

• is often angry and resentful
• is often spiteful and vindictive
• is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
• often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
• often argues with adults
• often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• often deliberately annoys people
• often loses temper

The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning.

All of the criteria above include the word "often". But what exactly does that mean? Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all kids. These researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria:

Has occurred at all during the last three months—

• blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
• is spiteful and vindictive

Occurs at least twice a week—

• actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
• argues with adults
• is touchy or easily annoyed by others
• loses temper

Occurs at least four times per week—

• deliberately annoys people
• is angry and resentful

If you are not careful, this disorder will destroy you long before it ruins your child. The outcome can be dismal if you do not seek some outside assistance from a professional.

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The Effect of Rage on Families

Family ties are one of the strongest contributors to individual character development. Many of us spend years trying to understand, erase, or copy the influence of our family unit. When Rage is part of a family's tradition, it spreads itself much like a virus to future generations. The wider the spread, the more difficult the Rage is to contain.

The effect of Rage in families is usually apparent in the way that members relate with one another. Our earliest experiences communicating and relating to others occurs within the family. Patterns of Rage in relationships are then taken and recreated in later relationships outside the family. Thankfully, a committed, well-designed treatment plan can repair the damage of having been raised in an hostile family system.

Rage in Relationships—

Rage is one of the most common negative patterns in relationships. Couples sometimes report that it is their Rage that makes the relationship feel alive. Rage takes root in insecure relationships where open communication is absent and the emotion of love is buried beneath years of Resentment. There is typically hopelessness in the present and doubt about the future in these relationships. The good news is that individuals committed to improving their relationships through the hard work of therapy are generally rewarded with a renewed sense of hope. Here are some tips on how to limit Rage producing interactions in your relationships:

1. Always consider individual or family therapy in instances where your Rage feels out of control and/or mysterious.
2. Ask yourself if you have legitimate assumptions about the intentions of others.
3. Before feeling attacked or hurt, make an attempt to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially if you have nothing to lose by doing so.
4. Explore your participation in relationships that repeatedly bring out the worst in you.
5. Keep the lines of communication open. When you feel Resentment building, see if you can journal your feelings and then share your thoughts with a loved one.
6. When you have Rage toward another person, start with an internal check of your own emotional state. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do.

How Do I Know If My Family or Loved One Has a Rage Problem?

Hostile individuals are, in most instances, very aware of their problems in controlling Rage. Unfortunately, too many come to accept their Rage as an unchangeable part of who they are and feel hopeless to change. If you feel that you or a loved one may have an Rage disorder, look for several of the following symptoms happening in your life on a regular basis:

1. Becoming more hostile than is appropriate in regard to mild frustration or irritation.
2. Family and/or friends approach you with the concern that you need help managing your Rage.
3. Having chronic physical symptoms such as high blood pressure, gastrointestinal, difficulties, or anxiety.
4. Having feelings of guilt or regret over something that you have said or done in a fit of Rage.
5. Repeated social conflict as a result of Rage outbursts (law suits, fights, property damage, school suspensions, etc.).

Where to Get Help for My Rage—

Fortunately, the mental health profession has been responsive to individuals seeking treatment for help with Rage. Referrals to treatment programs and services are often available and mandated for those individuals suffering moderate to severe social conflict. Many chronically hostile individuals feel shame and guilt about their Rage. There may be times when a friend or loved one may need to request help or plan an intervention for the hostile individual. In such instances, it is critical to take advantage of mental health professionals with a background in Rage management training.

What Kind of Help Will I Get for My Rage?

An effective Rage management plan can include individual or family therapies, which are some of the more common ways people attempt to deal with chronic Rage.

Individual Therapy—

Individual therapy, which explores the root of hostile feelings and behavior, is traditionally a safer, more secure option to working with the entire hostile family at once. Treatment with individuals helps facilitate a thorough focus on the most important emotions beneath the individual's Rage.

Family Therapy—

Family therapy is a powerful way of repairing the damaging effect of long-term Rage interactions. Over time, chronic Rage drives a wedge between family members, resulting in the members becoming disconnected from one another, or overly involved with one another in an unhealthy manner. Therapy would consider each member's role in the Rage interactions, versus assuming any single member is responsible for the family's Rage.

How Marriage and Family Therapy Helps Control Rage—

More often than not, chronic Rage has a lengthy, definable history. Marriage and family therapists are trained experts in identifying Rage patterns that pass from one generation to the next. Identifying these patterns helps to explore individuals' learned perceptions about the appropriateness of Rage expression and suppression. Encouraging a parent to share how emotions were expressed in his or her immediate family allows other family members to understand the family's inherited concepts about Rage.

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Son Won't Poop In Toilet

"I need information on how to potty training my son. He will soon be five years old. 99% of the time he will use the toilet to urinate. But he will not use the toilet to have a bowel movement. He said he doesn’t want to. I have started taking his toys away from him and trying not to spank him. I am raising my son all by myself. His father hasn't been in his life since he was a baby. My son father wasn't potty trained until he was four and he was very strong will also. I do not have enough emotion support and I have not been very social. These issues could be major factors that have lead to his potty training problems. Please send me any advice you have on this situation"

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Your child obviously has bowel control and is very close to being completely potty trained. However, he is uncomfortable sitting on the potty and going number 2, which probably relates to constipation. Sometime in the past when he was potty training, he took a hard poop in the toilet or potty – but he thinks the “hard poop” is related to sitting on the potty and not his diet at the time. His diaper brought him comfort and allowed him to stand in a private place and bear-down when he was ready to poop.

Here’s a 10-step plan:

1. Talk to your child about pooping in the potty but NOT when he needs to go poop. Ask him why he doesn't like to poop in the potty. Tell him that everybody poops in the potty …mommy, daddy, etc. Explain what constipation is and why it happens.

2. Tell your child that he cannot use diapers – so he needs to learn to poop in the potty. Keep conversation light and remind him your there to help him. Don't create urgency and don't create pressure.

3. Pay attention to what you are feeding him and give him lots of stool-softening foods, such as whole-grain breads and cereals, fiber-rich fruit and vegetables, and plenty of water to wash it all down. Limit food-binders that make the poop hard (e.g., too much apple, too much chocolate, etc.).

4. When he is on the potty or toilet, ensure there is plenty of support for his feet and buttocks, because sitting properly on the potty supports the muscles in his abdomen to help him with pushing. He needs a good fitting potty where he can plant his feet firmly on the floor. If he is using the toilet, get a potty seat insert so that he feels safe and is stable – it will prevent him from falling in the bowl. And don't forget to put a stool under his feet for support.

5. Get your child to lean forward as much as possible while sitting on the potty. This will help to open up and relax the pelvic floor muscles which must occur every time you pass a bowel movement.

6. It could also be that your son has gotten into the habit of a bad routine. So when he needs to poop, he goes in his underpants, or you give him a diaper, and the circle keeps going around. You need to wean him away from the bad habit of pooping his underpants or soiling his diaper by establishing a new bowel movement routine that involves the potty or toilet. Rather than yelling at him for pooping in his underpants or giving in to his request for a diaper, invite him to use the potty in a positive way at that targets the time of day he usually goes number 2 – then give positive reinforcement by praising him for trying or when he has success.

7. If your child is afraid of the toilet, take him into the toilet… put the seat cover down… put him on your lap …and read a book. Flush intermittently to get him used to the noise

8. If you have not had him to a medical doctor, do so to rule out a physical reason. Often soiling is due to emotional reasons. You do not want this to develop into a power struggle with your son. If it turns into a power struggle with him, you will really have problems on your hands.

9. If you have tried many things to remedy the problem – but nothing works, you may want to seek out the help of a child psychologist. Your insurance plan can help you find one – or contact your local university psychology department.

10. This problem requires a great deal of love and gentleness on your part. I would not require him to clean himself up. Don’t punish this “behavior.” He is doing the best he can, and anything that involves shame or force will only back fire.

Mark

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How do I know if my son has an emotional disability?

RE: "How do I know if my son has an emotional disability?"

Here's a check list of sorts:

• Ask your son if something has happened to him. Children sometimes act out in an attempt to draw attention to a problem they are having and are afraid of discussing.

• Ask your son's teacher if problems have occurred in the classroom and what things you can do to help your son at home.

• Beware of changes in environment or life events that may alter your son's behavior. Sometimes moving to a new town or school can cause a son to act out aggressively or overly emotionally in an attempt to adjust to the change.

• Have your son professionally tested if you think your son has an emotional disability or if behavioral problems are creating academic, social or other problems for your son.

• Look for emotional cues. Does your son pretend to be physically ill when confronted with a school event or a social situation? Does your son have excessive fear or anxiety associated with certain activities? Does your son cry excessively over seemingly little things?

• Look for patterns of aggressive behavior lasting six months or longer. Does your son consistently bully others or use aggressive force with other children or animals? Does your son initiate fights?

• Set rules. Look for major infractions of rules such as truancy or running away with older children. With younger children, look for consistently breaking rules, aggression toward siblings, stealing and lying.

• Talk openly with your son about the behavior that concerns you. Explain that you are concerned and want to make changes. Be specific and nonjudgmental.

• Watch your son in social peer situations. Is your son withdrawn or rejected by other children? Does your son dominate play, causing other children to not want to play?

• Watch your son when playing independently. Does your son act violently toward toys and inanimate objects? Is your son self-destructive? Does your son seem depressed or uninterested in activity? Does your son cry or become frustrated easily?

The above items will give you some indication as to whether or not he may have an emotional disability.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Stepfather and stepson ignore each other...

Hi Mark

I have recently joined your online parenting support to help my 14 yo son D___.

At the weekend he had a fight with his stepfather - caused by D___'s attitude towards me, and now his stepfather, my husband wants nothing to do with him. I don't know how to get him to watch your videos or take any interest in D___'s future. This is tearing me apart, they ignore each other or scowl and swear and I love and hate them both for what they are doing. I understand my husband, he has tried so hard to help D___ and he is just nasty to everyone. C___ has been with D___ since he was 2 years old. I don't know what to do. Can I do it on my own? Will the strategies still work?

Please help me… I want to get away from them both. I want to cry all the time (I don't do it but I want to), I totally lose thought when I'm driving and don't know where I am and it frightens me. I am terrified every time they are in the same room together, I don't know what might set them off. D___ is 6 ft 2" with a bad temper and terrible attitude. C_____ now refuses to be left alone with D___ as he may lie about him and get C_____ into trouble with the authorities. This puts the pressure of D___ totally on me.

I have watched your week one and part of week two videos and read all the pages and I know that we/I have done this to D___ and I want to undo it.

Please help me,

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Can I do it on my own?

YES

Re: ...will the strategies still work?

YES

One of the hardest things for a step-father is to figure out his role in the household. Many a stepfather makes the error of trying to come into the household acting like a biological parent. This is a big mistake. A stepfather who tries to assume too much disciplinary authority will create resentment in the kids and become very frustrated over time.

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Your husband has a right to be treated with civility, and to expect that the household will be somewhat organized, but you are the kid's mother. It is your role to do the disciplining, and his role to support you and your decisions. It is critical to talk together to decide how you want to handle the worst situations and the things that the youngsters do that are the hardest for him to tolerate. 

However, unlike many biological dads, your husband should not be the 'enforcer.' You two need to come to some agreements so that you can present a united front to the kids. If the youngsters see him as the 'bad guy' and you as the 'protector' this is likely to hurt your marriage by putting you on separate 'teams'.

It also sounds like your husband may not have age appropriate expectations for your kids. It will be very important for the success of your family that you get some help dealing with this issue. Yelling, threatening or intimidating kids will lead to avoidance, fear and anger. I am sure your husband is trying to establish his authority, and that is not inappropriate in itself, but parenting through intimidation will lead to a very unhappy household, particularly when these youngsters enter adolescence and start yelling back!

I would strongly encourage you to get some help from a psychologist or counselor. You and your husband should meet with the clinician as a couple to help you both get on the same page about how you would like your household to be (I would not involve the youngsters in the therapy for some time - if at all). 

Your husband will do a lot for your marriage by learning to parent through positive means (which are more effective than punishment or intimidation). It will probably also help your husband to hear from someone besides you regarding what he can and cannot expect from kids this age.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Is there still hope for her?

Good Morning Mark

My 14 year old daughter left the house without my knowledge, and the police brought her home at midnight. She had been out riding around with a 19 yr old boy and several of her friends. The boy was one of the girl's cousin. The car matched the description of one the police were looking for. They took all the girls home and talked to all of them.

She knows the house rule about leaving the house, and broke it anyway. I took away her phone, and then returned it the next day with only family in her contacts and all others are locked out from her contact so that she can't call or text msg them.

My boyfriend broke it off with me after I told him about this, and my brother in law said that she was going to end up in jail. My question is: We have just started the out of control teen a few months ago, is there still hope for her? Everyone expects immediate results, except for me. I can see the changes, but we still have miles to go.

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: "...is there still hope for her?"

Yes. Of course. I think things are going well actually. The process of change is PAINFULLY slow sometimes -- but as long as there is slow but steady improvement, then thank God for it.

Sorry your b-friend lost hope early,

Mark

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What do I do with a 16 year old runaway...

What do I do with a 16 year old runaway/illegal consumption……she was in court for VOP for drinking on 6/19, served 30 days on PHD and is to follow up with counselor for tx. Her therapist referred her for psych eval, she was recently put on meds….she continues to smoke pot and lie about it. Failed a UDS for marijuana on 7/28. Parents are getting divorced and have lived in separate houses for awhile, were trying to work it out until mom caught dad with another woman, so dad followed mom home and beat her up….the girl is an emotional wreck every time I see her.

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She is likely self medicating her anxiety and depression with the pot, which is not ok by any means, but removing her from home to provide a consequence will just reinforce her fear that she is losing control of everything. Ask her therapist about an IOP (if it doesn't interfere with school). If that can't work, maybe she's a good candidate for the evening reporting program we have here at MCYC.

Mark

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What to do when your child is "hanging" with the wrong crowd...

There seems to be nothing more difficult for moms & dads to tolerate than seeing their children bond with a negative peer group. Kids who don't value school are often anti-moms & dads and pro-alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and casual sex and thrive on irreverent and often obnoxious music. Your children will probably proclaim that they are good and loyal friends or that they're much nicer and less shallow than the "preppies" and "jocks." These negative peers may indeed be kinder to your children than some other children you'd prefer for them to befriend. Your children may become secretive, say that you're controlling, and protest that you have no right to say with whom they can be friends.

Many of the anti-school children I've worked with are lonely, attention seeking, and sometimes aggressive as elementary-age children. Moms & dads and teachers are anxious about their children' lack of friends, even when they do have a few. Moms & dads and teachers often put pressure on them to make friends, and the children connect having a large group of close friends with healthy adjustment. They feel that adults are disappointed in them when they don't have friends, and by middle school, they become so anxious about making friends that they're willing to do almost anything to be included in any group that validates them. They develop a deep resentment toward the bright, achieving, or athletic children who haven't accepted them, and they share that resentment in order to build solidarity with another group. In some ways, they believe that "good children" are bad, because the "bad children" are loyal to each other, although they may appear tough or mean to outsiders.

When your children are a little lonely, it's important to label it as independence even though you realize it isn't easy for them. In that way, you avoid putting too much pressure on them to make friends and become popular. Use this time to help them learn skills and develop interests that will enable them to share activities with others. For example, learning to play chess will encourage them to play with other children, developing an interest in music or art will give them a passion to share with other positive young people who also enjoy those activities, or playing soccer or taking gymnastics classes will make them feel like part of a team. Once they have friends who share their interests, they will be less likely to feel pressured to unite with negative children.

Rebellious teens are often over-empowered by moms & dads who are divided. A mother who allies with her youngster against the dad, or a father who allies with a youngster against the mom, teaches a youngster that relationships become closer and more intimate when two people share a common enemy. Learning to feel close to a person only when there's a common enemy can become a very negative but intense habit, which transfers naturally to finding a peer group or even a boy- or girlfriend who is against school or moms & dads.

This alliance-against-an-enemy relationship with a parent becomes an even greater risk during or after a divorce. Mothers who have been rejected by their husbands can be especially vulnerable to sharing intimate details about the husband's behavior. Although at first it seems that children understand the situation and value the intimate sharing, this too-intimate practice almost always backfires. Divorce is no time to assume that children are mature enough to be your counselors or confidantes. Not only does this place children in an impossible dilemma, but it also teaches them to disrespect and rebel against their other parent, which will in turn cause the other parent to teach them disrespect for you. You're giving up your adult responsibility when your children may require it most.

Another important prevention scenario takes place after a move to a new community. I recommend having your youngster paired with other children initially when moving to a new school. The children with whom she's paired could make her feel more comfortable, as well as include her in a positive group. The selection of those new friends should be made carefully. You can probably do that most diplomatically if you share with the teacher or counselor your youngster's positive interests. If you do this, it's more likely that your youngster and those with whom she's paired will have activities or interests in common.

Sometimes teachers pair negative or needy children with new children in the hopes of helping them. Caution your youngster that finding good friends takes time. Be reassuring that there's no need to hurry it along, and that you're certain that eventually he'll find good friends. Seeking popularity encourages the quest for status and quantity of friends, which may or may not turn out to be a good thing, depending on the values of the popular peer group in the school.

There are several possibilities for helping your children ditch negative peer groups. Sometimes changing schools or teams can be effective. This has proven to be extremely powerful for some children who have been clients at my Family Achievement Clinic. Most middle schools use a team approach with between two and four teams in a school. Talk to your youngster's school counselor about the possibility of changing to a different team to get him away from negative peers. This may help your youngster make new friends, particularly if he has at least one positive friend in a new team. Changing schools or teams works most effectively when negative relationships are just beginning, before your youngster is overly engaged with the group. It also works best if the negative group doesn't live in your neighborhood.

Sending a clear message to your youngster that you wish he not befriend a particular individual or group may make a difference for middle schoolers. You'll need to justify the prohibition by explaining that the other children' behavior is unacceptable, and you'll permit them to be friends outside of school only if you see a change in the other children. When both moms & dads agree on that philosophy, your youngster will likely accept it. When both moms & dads don't agree, don't waste your time prohibiting the friendship. This is an important communication that both moms & dads should talk through carefully.

The most positive technique for removing children from a negative peer group is to get them involved in positive peer experiences, such as fun enrichment programs, special-interest groups, drama, music, sports, Scouts, religious groups, summer programs, camps, or youth travel programs. They may not want to join without their friends, so introducing them to someone who's already part of a group may encourage them. A teacher or group leader may help to facilitate new friendships.

Encourage your youngster to enter contests or activities in which he has a chance of winning or receiving an important part. Don't hesitate to talk to a coach or teacher privately about your efforts to reverse your youngster's negativism. Winning children are often excluded from peer groups that are negative about school. Winning a speech, music, art, or sports contest often gives status to children and causes them to appear more interesting to positive children. Sometimes a victory is enough to separate a tween from a negative peer group.

A family trip is also an option for distracting your wayward youngster from negativity. Time away from peers in an entirely new environment can channel your youngster's independence. One-on-one trips with a parent may be effective in reducing tension and enhancing family closeness. A trip with only one parent and one tween may be more productive than if the whole family is present, because the tween will be freed from sibling rivalry issues.

If you introduce any of these courses of action to your children, don't expect them to like it. These options shouldn't be suggested as choices, or your children surely won't choose them. You can, however, permit or even encourage them to make choices among the options. For example, they can choose between a summer writing or music program, which will hopefully encourage new and positive interests and friendships.

JOIN Online Parent Support

Why Children and Adolescents Steal

Children of all ages — from preschoolers to adolescents — can be tempted to steal for different reasons:

• Preadolescents and adolescents know they're not supposed to steal, but might steal for the thrill of it or because their friends do. Some might believe they can get away with it. As they're given more control over their lives, some adolescents steal as a way of rebelling.
• School-age children usually know they're not supposed to take something without paying, but they might do so anyway because they lack enough self-control.
• Very young children sometimes take things they want without understanding that things cost money and that it's wrong to take something without paying for it.

And other complex reasons can be factors. Children might be angry or want attention. Their behavior may reflect stress at home, school, or with friends. Some may steal as a cry for help because of emotional or physical abuse they're enduring.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

In other cases, children and adolescents steal because they can't afford to pay for what they need or want — for example, they may steal to get popular name-brand items. In some cases, they may take things to support drug habits.

Whatever the reason for stealing, parents need to find out the root of the behavior and address other underlying problems, like drug abuse, that may surface.

What Should I Do?

When a youngster has been caught stealing, a parent's reaction should depend on whether it's the first time or there's a pattern of stealing.

With very young children, parents need to help them understand that stealing is wrong — that when you take something without asking or paying for it, it hurts someone else. If a preschooler takes a piece of candy, for instance, parents can help the youngster return the item. If the youngster has already eaten the candy, parents can take the youngster back to the store to apologize and pay for it.

With school-age children, too, it's important to return the stolen item. By the first and second grades, children should know stealing is wrong. But they may need a better understanding of the consequences.

Here's an example: If a youngster comes home with a friend's bracelet and it's clear the youngster took it without the friend's permission, the parent should talk to the youngster about how it would feel if a friend took something without asking first. The parent should encourage the youngster to call the friend to apologize, explain what happened, and promise to return it.

When adolescents steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences. For example, when a teen is caught stealing, the parent can take the teen back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened.

The embarrassment of facing up to what he or she did by having to return a stolen item makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong.

Further punishment, particularly physical punishment, is unnecessary and could make the youngster angry and more likely to engage in even worse behavior.

If it's a first-time offense, some stores and businesses may accept an apology and not necessarily press charges. However, some stores press charges the first time around. And there's often little sympathy for repeat offenders.

Children of all ages need to know that shoplifting isn't just about taking things from a store — it's taking money from the people who run the businesses. Plus, shoplifting makes prices higher for other customers. They should also know that stealing is a crime and can lead to consequences far worse than being grounded, including juvenile detention centers and even prison.

If stealing money from a parent, the youngster should be offered options for paying back the money, like doing extra chores around the house. It's important, however, that a parent not bait the youngster by leaving out money in the hopes of catching the youngster in the act. That could damage the sense of trust between a parent and youngster.

If a Youngster Keeps Stealing—

If your youngster has stolen on more than one occasion, consider getting professional help. Repeat offenses may indicate a bigger problem.

One third of juveniles who've been caught shoplifting say it's difficult for them to quit. So, it's important to help children and adolescents understand why stealing is wrong and that they may face serious consequences if they continue to steal.

Others who may be able to talk to you and/or your youngster about the problem and help you address it include a:

• support group, such as the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention (NASP) or Cleptomaniacs and Shoplifters Anonymous (CASA), which may be able to provide information or help (look in your phone book for groups in your area)
• school counselor (especially if your youngster is stealing from the school)
• minister, priest, or rabbi
• family therapist or counselor
• family doctor (who may be able to refer you to a family therapist or counselor)

Although most ordinary acts of theft or shoplifting are deliberate, some people who steal may have kleptomania. With this rare compulsive disorder, which makes up a very small portion of all shoplifting cases, a person feels a sense of tension or anxiety before the theft, then feels relief or gratification when committing the theft. The person may feel guilt afterward and often discard the objects after stealing them, and also might have other compulsive disorders (such as an eating disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD).

Whatever the underlying cause, if stealing is becoming a habit with your youngster or teen, consider speaking with a doctor or therapist to get to the cause of the behavior. It's also important to routinely monitoring your youngster's behavior, keep him or her away from situations in which stealing is a temptation, and establish reasonable consequences for stealing if it does occur.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

I called the police...

Hello Mark,

First of all, sincere thank you for your quick reply.

It has been just more than a week since I last wrote to you, but during that time my life changed so much.

I realised that my 'big fish' is actually a shark (grown up by myself). But I have not given up and I have been consistent with all that I need to do.

I quit my job (at least for now) but I continue with the programme. My father came to stay with me for a couple of weeks as my husband is working in another town.

What actually happened is something that I did not have even in my nightmares. And it was my mistake that I did not think about this possibility and did not prepare myself for that. My son's resistance to the new parenting style (introduced very carefully) got to his old self enough and well known weapon-physical violence. I was punched several times one day as I had to go 'back to normal' and for the first time in my life I called the police. My son was given final warning and his violent reaction is stopped now. Meanwhile, he had never witnessed nor suffered violence in our family.

There is some kind of resentment at present which is broken from time to time by brief 'sunny spells'. For the first time in my son's life he did not get what he wanted at home and for the first time in my life I was confident enough that I am doing the right thing for my child. And this is because I have now complete understanding of what have caused his behavior and for example, I do not wonder anymore why he is disrespectful most of the time.

Things are changing with ups and downs, joy and pain, but anyway they are changing and this is the most important.

I continue my job at home -- I speak, I explain and I am calm. If I had this knowledge 5 years ago, we would not get to the point where we are now and would experience much less difficulties, but there you are...

Therefore, I would say that I even more appreciate that I found in OPS and thank you again!

K.

Online Parent Support (OPS)

Parenting a Bipolar Teenager

Hello Mark,

I have downloaded your book and looked over most of it and I'm seeing a lot of helpful strategies. My husband seems to want to close his eyes and the nightmare will go away. I want to deal with the problems head on. Our son will not comply with anything we tell him. I'm scared of his violent outbursts due to many holes in our walls and doors. We have dealt with the law, med. professionals, etc.. We have diagnosis of ADHD, ODD, and bi-polar. I currently am trying to place him in a medical residential center, but it is taking months. And I don't think that we have much time left.

He currently is in an outpatient behavioral health center. He won't take the meds. The psychotherapist said that he could use residential treatment. He talks about hating his life all the time. Drugs, alcohol, sex and wrong friends are his choices. He quit school at 16 and will be 17 on 9/3/09. He said he is leaving soon. He wants to be emancipated! He currently is working less than 30hrs at a fast food rest… never saving a dime.

He is in a GED program a few hours a week. I will not allow him to get a driver's license, due to his present problems. It is difficult to give you a summary of our Son's info. I could write a book on all that we have tried to help him with over the years. Maybe you could give us some advice on how to enforce rules and what are our options when he refuses to comply. The laws are on his side. We can't tell him to hit the road, because he is still legally our responsibility. Thank you for listening and looking forward to your reply.

C.

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Hi C.,

The bipolar issue is the most pressing one. CLICK HERE for more info.

Also click here for a PDF file that you should read.

Mark

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: How Parents Can Take Control

If your youngster is belligerent, mouthy and downright disobedient, it's time to take a closer look at the reasons why. All kids go through times when they just will not obey but the youngster with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is one who will never obey and one who will always push the family's boundaries.

The youngster with ODD is an instigator. He loves to poke and prod and do all the tiny things behind the scenes to get his siblings in trouble. He is the youngster that challenges everything you say. Most often this youngster will not have friends.

He may or may not have trouble in the classroom. Many kids with this disorder do fine in school but act out at home. This is generally thought to be because the youngster, understanding at an early age that his behavior is not socially acceptable, can hold it together during class hours but at some point, that youngster will need release. At home, he feels safe and knows he is loved. There is no longer any need for him to hold it all in. When your youngster arrives home from school, he will often scream the entire way from the bus to the house. Once inside, the meltdown escalates until you as a parent find yourself wishing he were still at school.

Thus begins the cycle that every parent of ODD kids can relate to. You feel you are to blame. You doubt your parenting. You feel guilty for wishing the youngster had somewhere else to go. You find yourself depleted, angry and unable to cope.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Following are a few things you can do to cut down on the meltdowns and take control again:

1. Establish a secure and supportive environment. A youngster with ODD needs to have security. He needs to know that mom and dad will always be there for him. He needs to know that no matter how uncontrollable he becomes, you will still love him.

2. Create a schedule and stick with it. Kids need a schedule. This is especially true of the youngster with ODD. He needs to know what comes next in his day. The surest way to a meltdown and uncontrollable behavior is the lack of a schedule. These kids want to know that everything follows a certain order. You may want to give your youngster his own calendar so he can track his own appointments. Use a schedule for chores and schoolwork. Your ODD youngster craves organization.

3. Set up clear and concise boundaries. Your youngster must know what will happen if he pulls his sister's hair, or breaks all the toys in his bedroom in a fit of rage. Determine the behaviors that cause the most strife in your household and write them down. Choose three or four of them to work on. Sit down with your youngster and have him help you draw up a plan. The plan should state the unwanted behavior and then the consequence of engaging in that behavior:

o Biting: 10-minute time-out.

o Breaking toys: Favorite toy gets taken away for three days.

o Kicking: 10-minute time-out.

o Temper tantrum: Half hour in bedroom to get control of himself.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Be consistent. You will need to mete out the exact same discipline every time your youngster breaks the rule. If you carry through one time and you don't the next, the youngster will feel that he is in control. The most important thing to a youngster with ODD is to control those around him. If you let him have control, you will have lost any chance of him obeying you. Consistency is key!

5. Never shout or get angry with your youngster. A youngster with ODD literally shuts down when being yelled at. He cannot hear you. This phenomenon is discussed at length in The Explosive Child. Keep your voice gentle but firm, soft but authoritative.

Remember that ODD is a disorder. Your youngster may want to obey and he may try very hard to obey, but he just can't summon up that sort of self-control. You can help him control his behavior by controlling his environment. Your youngster is not out to get you or to make your life miserable. When you can see ODD as a disorder rather than blatant defiance, it may be easier to put the tools in place that will help your youngster and your family live in harmony.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Disrespect, breaking curfew, grades slipping...

Before my daughter started hanging around with 2 particular girls in her 2nd year of high school, our relationship was OK. Slowly things got bad to worse. Disrespect, breaking curfew, grades slipping …the whole gamut. Now she is out of high school and luckily will be starting college in the fall. Using the OPS program has helped and I wish I would have known about it 2 years ago.

Thank you for your e-mail and encouragement...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your e-mail and encouragement.

I am going through all the weekly sessions very carefully, reading everything, watching everything and implementing it as guided. We are now in week 2 and I would like only to say how I am getting on with the situations with the help of the programme.

Literally, I would say that I feel like learning how to play a piano. I have the notes in front of me, I have my teacher and now it is just up to me how I am going to perform. What I have figured out for myself is that:

-I need to know my notes very well, read again and again and try to get to the very inside of the 'music';

-I need to shape myself in a way which is going to help me to touch the keyboard with the right intensity-not too strong, not too quick, but just right, allowing me to live with the music and to feel it....

If I miss something, music sounds false. That is what happened one day when I forgot to praise my child for his good behaviour at school, but I did not forget to put restrictions on him because he did not obey and took a pound from my purse in front of me when I told him that I was not going to give him pocket money for that day for another reason. After school that day we had supper together (that happened rarely before) and he helped me cook and prepare table, but immediately afterwards decided to try his old tricks again. As I was sitting on the sofa he made a stick of a cardboard and started tapping it on my head saying 'Why are you like that? Stop listening to that people that telling you to behave in this way. I want you to get back to what you were...I do not want any changes...'I felt really upset but I did not show it. I calmly said that what he was doing was unacceptable and that we needed to sit and talk more about that. He continued for a while and then eventually we sat and talked again. I realise that my son was scared of the measures that I implemented. I explained that everything I did was to help him.

On the following day he got up and said to me 'I am normal again... 'but did not get any pocket money that morning because of his behaviour and did accept my decision without any problems. Then later on that day when I read and watched everything in the program again, I realised that I did not react to my son's good behaviour at school at all and I remembered how proud he was to show me his school report...

That day I got a phone call from my son's school to tell me how good had his behaviour been lately...I did not have anything else to do but I bought his favourite tart for dessert and we had a good evening including that he also helped with cooking and tidied his wardrobe. I did not forget to tell him that I loved him...

This is one more opportunity also to thank you again, Mark.

Kind Regards,

K.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Another "Parenting" Success Story

Mark,

Thanks so much for this wonderful program. It took me longer to complete than 4 weeks, but I kept at it.

I realized today that my son's addiction to online games is under control, he's turned to his X box games and I haven't been requiring him to earn this reward. I took the controller today. We still have alot of work to do, and but he's really come around. He has really been working hard and helping me outside.

My 14 yr old daughter fixed our riding lawn mower last night by herself! She put the belt back on, and fixed the deck so its level. She asked me to come outside - but I explained I had dinner on the stove and couldn't leave it. She remained calm and fixed it and mowed the front yard. I praised her and told her how great that was and that I couldn't do it on my own. I asked her to show me how she did it.

We're making progress.

T.

Online Parent Support

A Success Story

Hello Mark,

You cannot imagine what a relief your e-mail has been to me. Thank you for your time, understanding and support.

Unfortunately, I could not reply immediately as 'my monster' took the cable and battery of my laptop on Sunday.

Here is just a quick update of my ’weekend drama', but also I would like proudly to say 'I made it!’ thanks to you.

My son went out again with his rebellion school friend at 11.30pm. I stayed calm. He came back 2 hours later and went to bed. I left everything for the morning.

In the morning I was determined not to leave him to sleep till lunch time as it had happened before. I called him and told him that if he did not get up in 10 min, was not going to have his pocket money on Monday. I did not believe it would work. He had never got up before after being called just once. I used to be coming back for 5, and 5 and 5 more min...But soon after that, I heard the door of the bathroom opening and my son already....dressed.

Next success for the day- he helped with lunch and set the table. I cannot remember how long for it had not been done. Than we had 1 hour lunch, including a conversation mostly about mobile phones-what kind of them was 'the best one’. I was asking questions about them (what could I do, if that was the main topic of interest of my son...) It looked like one of the happiest lunches in my life...

But what happened next...As soon as we put the dishes away, ’my monster' decided to try to go back on the track again...'Where is my TV remote control? I want it back!’I stayed calm, 'You will get it on Tuesday. I will not repeat again. I will not argue.’ Then in front of my eyes the cables of my laptop were taken, my purse was taken, as well as my mobile and home phone. The outside handle of my son's door was taken off so that I could not enter his room and all my important possessions were hidden. If it was only some months ago, I was going to be very upset and crying and trying to get everything back. I did not react at all-nothing happened...I went to my bedroom and started reading newspaper.

There were a couple of long, long hours...Then the door of my bedroom opened carefully. I was pretending to sleep...I had to be checked (Why there was not reaction? Strange...Boring...What happened to my mom....) Then half an hour later, the door opened again-I was reading a book, did not react again...I started feeling how embarrassed my son was...

Then supper time came. It appeared that there was nothing prepared. My sweet monster came to me with the words 'I am hungry', expecting that I was going to jump and make supper in a minute...as I used to do...But this time I did not. I said 'My purse is with you; I do not have money and therefore cannot get what we need for supper. You better give my possessions back otherwise the consequences are also to be that I am not going to collect your mobile phone from school on Monday.'

My son was also 'adamant' 'I will give you your things back, if you give me my TV remote back.' I thought myself, 'At this point I used to give up ...and.... created my monster.’ But I did not this time. I stayed calm and insisted that the remote was going to be given back on Tuesday. Then I was told 'Stop playing this game with me...I am playing it at school, why at home again...You did not make it yourself...Who gave you the idea? You are not such a creature...Stop doing that to me....'

And I replied 'I do not play games. I have never played games .I am only helping you. I only want you to believe yourself again. When did you lose your confidence?'The answer was straightforward '3 months ago.'3 months ago my son was moved from one tutor group to another as 'the leader' of the disruptive children in his previous tutor group. I still cannot figure out if this was the right decision, as I sometimes think that this made the thinks worse and increased my son's anxiety. I do not know...

That night we did not get to a solution my possessions to be given back, but I felt that I won, for the first time in many, many years. And I was right.

In the morning I was given everything back and promised the door handle to be put back again. The remote control is still with me... back to my son tomorrow, as was once said, without any changes and maybe this time.

Perhaps it is too early to celebrate. I definitely know it is. I will face many, many other difficulties and challenges for sure, but I am determined to succeed, to get everything to the very end, to be consistent. It does not matter what it would cost me.

I have already lost too much with my child. I know, it is not going to be easy, especially as I am on my own now. My husband has gone to work 250 miles away, on the south coast, as his previous company closed. I have got his support, but he is not at home every day. My job also is very demanding-I work in Emergency Department now and I created a ....demanding child...I am happy that I started all this during my week off, otherwise I do not know how I would cope with everything...But I am determined to do it. And thank you for giving me the opportunity to do something really precious for my child (the only one).

God bless you and what you do.

Kind Regards

K.

My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents

Dealing With Your Out-of-Control Teenage Daughter

 Here are some quick tips for all you parents with an out-of-control teenage daughter...

• Ask yourself, “What have I done to contribute to the rift between us?” Think about when the trouble began. How old was she and what was going on in your family life? I have counseled hundreds of father/mothers and daughters whose relationships were badly damaged and getting worse. For healing to begin, it was important for the father/mother to understand what part she had in fueling the fires of defiance. If you’re willing to take an honest look at yourself, you will find some answers.

• Avoid Blame. While some people claim that when a daughter is rebellious her father/mother is to blame, this usually is not true. Blaming the daughter for the difficulties does nothing to fix the problem either. There are many circumstances that contribute to the predicament.

• Be Willing to Negotiate. The “fix my daughter” approach won’t work. Both father/mother and daughter have to be willing to negotiate and find solutions they can both live with. There are times when there’s nothing you can do to get your daughter to cooperate except wait until she’s ready. If your daughter obstinately refuses to work with you, realize that you can’t control her behavior, but you can control your own.

• Distinguish between Healthy and Unhealthy Rebellion. Rebellion takes many forms, from harmless talking back to defiant acts of drug and alcohol abuse or sexual activity. As a father/mother, you have to determine which acts fall under the healthy category and which cross the line into unsafe territory. Talking back is a clue that your daughter is in the throes of her first teenage rebellion. It signals that, while she’s not yet articulate enough to express herself effectively, she’s struggling to find ways to assert her autonomy.

• Try Everything. Father/mothers often feel that they have tried everything. They are convinced that nothing will work. These negative stances won’t get you out of the rut. Even though you’ve tried everything you can think of, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution. Often we are so close to our own problems that we can’t find the obvious answers. But if you’re willing to stay open and seek help, the answers will come. Get outside opinions, but be sure they apply to your situation. Listen to your daughter and your own intuition and you may be surprised with the solutions you’ll discover.

• Uncover the Roots of the Problem. Out-of control behavior is a symptom of deeper problems. Consider how the two of you got to this point. Take a guess at the reasons your daughter is acting out. By identifying the reasons for your daughter’s undesirable behavior, you’ll be more apt to find the keys to correcting it. If you treat just the symptoms, the underlying trouble will still be there and will erupt again.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Daughter Wants To Live With Father

Dear Mark...I need some advice...My 14 yr old daughter has been at her dad's all summer. In talking to her she says she does not want to come home and wants to stay with her dad. She says she likes it there, no one is bitching at her all the time and that if we make her come home she will make our lives a living hell. How do you respond to that? ~ J.

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I get this question a lot...

I always recommend that the former parent [you] allow the child to stay with the other parent [dad]. However, what usually happens is the dad eventually experiences the same parent-child conflict that the mother did, resulting in his request [or demand] that the child move back to mom's.

Bottom line: The more you convey that you "need" her to live with you - the more she will feel a sense of what I call "retaliation gratification" [i.e., a feeling of exacting revenge against "the bitch"]. 

 

So, you should "act as if" you are comfortable with her staying a dad's. This is a paradoxical intervention. The more she feels you are "o.k." with her living at dad's - the more she will begin to miss living with you [although she will never acknowledge this].

Say, "I love you and will miss you - and you are always welcome to come home. Good luck at your dad's." And check-in with her every week or two [i.e., call or email]. If you force her to return - then you will have successfully engaged in a power struggle that you will not win.

Warning: Be prepared for her eventual return [behavior contract in hand] - but do not allow yourself to sink into a depression if she does not return.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Communicating Effectively with Teenagers

Are you finding raising adolescents to be difficult? If so, you are not alone. Raising adolescents in a successful way requires good communication skills. Moms & dads do not automatically posses the skills necessary to communicate with their adolescents in an effective way. Communication skills like any other kind of skill must be learned. The following tips can help you reach your adolescent and make the difficult job of raising adolescents that much easier.

Possessing a loving, evolving, healthy relationship with an adolescent means getting to know him or her as a person; this is especially important when we consider that a primary task of successfully navigating through adolescence is identity formation. Moms & dads, and anyone who works with troubled adolescents, will need to focus on taking intentional steps towards forming a meaningful relationship with the adolescent. A primary mechanism of discerning, learning, and understanding the personality characteristics and identity of a problem child is through effective communication. Effective communication incorporates a variety of skills some of which include attending behaviors, reflective listening, open and closed questions, and observation.

Attending Behaviors—

Attending behaviors, including eye contact, vocal qualities, verbal tracking, and body language, can communicate to adolescents that you truly want to hear and understand what he or she is saying. For a troubled adolescent, it may also communicate that you care and want to connect on a personal and emotional level. Although there are cultural differences in the effective use of attending, generally direct eye contact is considered a sign that the individual being spoken to is fully present and listening. Breaks in eye contact may inform the listener in determining topics that could be uncomfortable or distressing. Vocal qualities, on the part of either the speaker or the listener, such as changes in pitch, volume, and rate of speech, can communicate care, understanding, or a lack thereof.

Verbal tracking is another attending behavior that may assist the adult in receiving the entire content or emotion that is being communicated to the adolescent. If the adolescent tends to shift topics, you, the adult, may want to pull the conversation back to a specific “track” to obtain the full narrative of a situation or concern. In addition, body language, rather than verbal exchange, is a primary means of communicating with adolescents. A person may move towards another when interested and away when uninterested or uncomfortable. To facilitate open communication with an adolescent, body language must remain authentic, relaxed, open, respectful, and convey care and a sense of attentive presence.

Reflective Listening—

Reflective listening, such as through the use of paraphrasing, encouragers (e.g., nodding your head, saying uh-uh, repeating the last word of an adolescent’s sentence in the form of a question to encourage additional elaboration), or restating what you hear in your own words to confirm that you accurately understand the adolescent’s narrative or concern, demonstrates that you empathize and are interested. When a teen feels heard, he or she is more likely to remain open and develop trust with another. Attempt to reflect back to the adolescent not just the content, but also the feelings underneath the content. This aids the adolescent in identifying and labeling feelings, thereby increasing insight and understanding of self.

Open and Closed Questions—

Through the use of open and closed questions, you may assist an adolescent in exploring ideas and experiences from a variety of angles. This also helps in developing insight and self-awareness. Asking questions such as, “What else?”, “What happened before you felt afraid or acted out in anger?”, “Was there something different going on that made you react differently?”, “Could you give me a specific example?” facilitate understanding. Closed questions may be effective in obtaining specific information and generally begin with is, are, or do. Open questions encourage additional dialogue and generally begin with what, how, why, or could. However, when communicating with an adolescent, be particularly careful with the use of questions that begin with “Why?” The use of “why” questions may create a sense of feeling attacked or judged and may place the adolescent on his or her defensive. In addition, it is often a reality that the adolescent may be unclear as to the why of a feeling or reaction. Through open questions, we can assist him or her in increased understanding of who he or she is becoming as a person; it may also inform the adolescent on what could be driving his or her behaviors and emotions.

Observation—

Above all, observe the reactions of the adolescent and yourself when communicating. Are your responses, body language, questions, and/or tone of voice encouraging additional sharing or resulting in the adolescent withdrawing from the exchange? What signals is the adolescent providing through body language, rate of speech, and pitch? By utilizing attending behaviors, reflective listening, open and closed questions, and observation skills, we can increase our accessibility and approachability with the adolescents we care for and work with. This improves the ability to maintain an authentic connection and provides a firm foundation for a healthy and evolving relationship. It also models effective communication skills that the adolescent may carry for the rest of his or her life.

In summary, raising adolescents takes effort in communication. If you want to communicate with your adolescent successfully, treat them as the real people they are. Get to know them through these communication techniques. Show them you are interested in them and what they are saying by using the attending behaviors outlined above. Confirm to them that you do understand what they are saying through reflective listening techniques. Use open and closed questions to help get to the root of the problems being discussed. Finally, always tailor your communication style by careful observation of your adolescent's reactions. You want to engage your adolescent in the open exchange of thoughts and feelings. By using these communication techniques, you can become more effective at raising adolescents.

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