Hello,
We just received your book and are desperately trying to stay non emotional. Although, our daughter is angry over losing her cell phone for using horrid profanity, calling us names. She begins to thrown things at us, and kicks the walls. What should our response be when she is being destructive to our home?
Thanks,
T.
________________
Hi T.,
Tell her that the next time she chooses to call people names, throw things, kick, etc., she will choose the consequence, which will be grounding for 3 days with no privileges (no phone, T.V., games, etc.).
If she does any of the above, follow through with the consequence. Please refer to this page for more instruction: Anger Management
"We can't make it through the next 6 weeks without blowing..."
Hi M.,
I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>
========================
Hi Mark,
First -- I spoke with you a few days ago about my out-of-control son who is 8 (almost 9). Thank you so much for your time and counsel -- we have now been implementing the techniques for saying "yes" and "no" for about 4 days and are having interesting results.
The first 2 days were great. My son was stunned by the approach and, as you predicted, he tried every trick to get us to cave. He went to his room when "grounded" for a period of time and calmed down. Now, however, he is frustrated with how things are going and demanding that we stop the stupidity. Last night in the midst of a tantrum he even screamed at me "Why don't you just yell instead!" Needless to say my response we "I'm not going to argue." You can imagine his rage...
Anyway, here are concerns: His tantrums are, indeed, getting more intense as we stick to our plan. And, he is more violent now as a result. I can keep my poker face on when he uses the "F" word to me in his rage (although he is clueless as to it's meaning, he just knows it's unacceptable) or flips me off
>>>>>>>>>>>>> When you have issued a consequence (e.g., grounding for one evening with no games), and he uses the ‘F’ word or flips anyone off, the clock should be re-started (i.e., the one-day discipline starts over).
BUT WHAT DO I DO when he attempts to hit, kick, bite or throw things at me, or worse, his sisters, who are just a year younger?? This is all occurring during his rages now and I can't seem to make him stay in his room when he has been grounded there.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>If he gets physical with anyone, look at your watch and re-start the original discipline, whatever that happens to be.
Last night his consequence was that he had to go to bed early because of his behavior and refusal to go to his room for the set period of 15 minutes. The consequence ultimately escalated to 3 days of being grounded out of the playroom that he shares with his twin sisters (where most of the toys are also kept). None of this seemed to matter enough to him to cause him to choose to calm down or end the violence.
>>>>>>>>>>>> The 3-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. As soon as he goes to his room for a time out, the clock begins.
How do I respond when he is being so physically aggressive?
>>>>>>>>>>>>> If he injures anyone, you should call the police, file a report, go to your local probation department and file a battery charge. If his physical aggressiveness is not of the kind that injures anyone do the following:
1. Model respectful behavior and treat your son with respect. Eventually he will respect himself and others.
2. Spend one-on-one time with your son several times a week.
3. Give him something to be responsible for each week (e.g., he gets to decide what the family will have for supper on Friday evenings; a couple times a week, he gets to be in charge of a work detail, in other words, who does what chore).
4. Continue to display NO emotion when he’s upset and attempting to push your intensity-producing buttons.
5. Coach him by modeling and practicing non-violent ways of expressing his needs and wants.
6. Greatly limit television viewing and computer games (and monitor what he watches on T.V. and plays on his games).
7. Find ways to reduce the stress in the home (e.g., slow down the pace and lower the noise levels).
Additionally, both my husband and I are amazed at how accurate your description of his need for intensity is -- we can really see it now that we have read about this in your ebook. We kept ourselves totally low key and poker-faced for well over an hour last night during his rage. But I feel that the sheer time it took to work through this episode last night was enough to continue to fuel his need for intensity as he supplied plenty of his own.
>>>>>>>>> When confronting his negative behavior, do not do it in front of the other kids. Tell him you need to speak to him, take him to another room away from the others -- then issue the consequence. Also, he gets to choose when the consequence starts. For example, if he’s grounded from the playroom for 2 days, the 2-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. When he’s done spraying on everybody like a skunk, look at your watch and tell him the clock has now started.
Additionally, even if we keep our intensity at zero, we have to daughters very close to him in age and they can REALLY feed the intensity factor. How can we work with this situation most effectively?
>>>>>>>>>> Again, try to keep your son and the other kids separated as much as possible while “things are going wrong.”
Mark, we are strongly committed to making this work. We are working to find the right medication as well and, unfortunately have not found the right things yet. But, while I'm good at poker I'm scared that I can't -- we can't -- make it through the next 6 weeks without blowing. And we don't know what else to do.
>>>>>>>> If you haven’t tried it already, Clonidine would be a good place to start (½ pill a day). Other possibilities would be Risperidone and Tegretol (small doses to start with).
Any words of wisdom and advice would be so greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much for your website, ebook, and continued support!
M.
==> Help for parents with defiant kids and teens...
I’ve responded to each of your points below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>
========================
Hi Mark,
First -- I spoke with you a few days ago about my out-of-control son who is 8 (almost 9). Thank you so much for your time and counsel -- we have now been implementing the techniques for saying "yes" and "no" for about 4 days and are having interesting results.
The first 2 days were great. My son was stunned by the approach and, as you predicted, he tried every trick to get us to cave. He went to his room when "grounded" for a period of time and calmed down. Now, however, he is frustrated with how things are going and demanding that we stop the stupidity. Last night in the midst of a tantrum he even screamed at me "Why don't you just yell instead!" Needless to say my response we "I'm not going to argue." You can imagine his rage...
Anyway, here are concerns: His tantrums are, indeed, getting more intense as we stick to our plan. And, he is more violent now as a result. I can keep my poker face on when he uses the "F" word to me in his rage (although he is clueless as to it's meaning, he just knows it's unacceptable) or flips me off
>>>>>>>>>>>>> When you have issued a consequence (e.g., grounding for one evening with no games), and he uses the ‘F’ word or flips anyone off, the clock should be re-started (i.e., the one-day discipline starts over).
BUT WHAT DO I DO when he attempts to hit, kick, bite or throw things at me, or worse, his sisters, who are just a year younger?? This is all occurring during his rages now and I can't seem to make him stay in his room when he has been grounded there.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>If he gets physical with anyone, look at your watch and re-start the original discipline, whatever that happens to be.
Last night his consequence was that he had to go to bed early because of his behavior and refusal to go to his room for the set period of 15 minutes. The consequence ultimately escalated to 3 days of being grounded out of the playroom that he shares with his twin sisters (where most of the toys are also kept). None of this seemed to matter enough to him to cause him to choose to calm down or end the violence.
>>>>>>>>>>>> The 3-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. As soon as he goes to his room for a time out, the clock begins.
How do I respond when he is being so physically aggressive?
>>>>>>>>>>>>> If he injures anyone, you should call the police, file a report, go to your local probation department and file a battery charge. If his physical aggressiveness is not of the kind that injures anyone do the following:
1. Model respectful behavior and treat your son with respect. Eventually he will respect himself and others.
2. Spend one-on-one time with your son several times a week.
3. Give him something to be responsible for each week (e.g., he gets to decide what the family will have for supper on Friday evenings; a couple times a week, he gets to be in charge of a work detail, in other words, who does what chore).
4. Continue to display NO emotion when he’s upset and attempting to push your intensity-producing buttons.
5. Coach him by modeling and practicing non-violent ways of expressing his needs and wants.
6. Greatly limit television viewing and computer games (and monitor what he watches on T.V. and plays on his games).
7. Find ways to reduce the stress in the home (e.g., slow down the pace and lower the noise levels).
Additionally, both my husband and I are amazed at how accurate your description of his need for intensity is -- we can really see it now that we have read about this in your ebook. We kept ourselves totally low key and poker-faced for well over an hour last night during his rage. But I feel that the sheer time it took to work through this episode last night was enough to continue to fuel his need for intensity as he supplied plenty of his own.
>>>>>>>>> When confronting his negative behavior, do not do it in front of the other kids. Tell him you need to speak to him, take him to another room away from the others -- then issue the consequence. Also, he gets to choose when the consequence starts. For example, if he’s grounded from the playroom for 2 days, the 2-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. When he’s done spraying on everybody like a skunk, look at your watch and tell him the clock has now started.
Additionally, even if we keep our intensity at zero, we have to daughters very close to him in age and they can REALLY feed the intensity factor. How can we work with this situation most effectively?
>>>>>>>>>> Again, try to keep your son and the other kids separated as much as possible while “things are going wrong.”
Mark, we are strongly committed to making this work. We are working to find the right medication as well and, unfortunately have not found the right things yet. But, while I'm good at poker I'm scared that I can't -- we can't -- make it through the next 6 weeks without blowing. And we don't know what else to do.
>>>>>>>> If you haven’t tried it already, Clonidine would be a good place to start (½ pill a day). Other possibilities would be Risperidone and Tegretol (small doses to start with).
Any words of wisdom and advice would be so greatly appreciated!
Thank you so much for your website, ebook, and continued support!
M.
==> Help for parents with defiant kids and teens...
Grounding Teens "From" Their Bedroom
"My situation is this... We live in rural small town USA. My son does not have even one neighborhood friend that he hangs out with. He comes home everyday from school, eats a bunch of food and goes to his room to read or nap or whatever to keep away from the family. And if he is out with the family, he is bossing everyone around, bullying his little sister, etc. It's a real treat, let me tell ya. Besides the "grounding thing" being difficult (because there isn't much to ground from) ...since our ipod ordeal last Saturday, he has NOT spoken a word to anyone since then. He is unbelievably stubborn. I even told him on Wed. that if he wanted his cell phone back, all he had to do is say "please". No response. He won't crack. I've tried talking to him in his room ...he tells me "get out!!" He doesn't even look me in the face. My sister says he needs an "exorcism". I'm not entirely sure she is wrong. HELP ME!! PLEASE"
Click here for the answer...
Parenting MAD TEENS is so confusing and hard ...
How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect?
How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure?
Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change?
If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read.
Click here for full article...
How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure?
Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change?
If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read.
Click here for full article...
17 Year Old Daughter Living with 20 Year Old Boyfriend
Mark, I have been reading your ebook, and the information in it is very good. However, my 17 yr old daughter has moved out and is now living with her 20 yr old boyfriend, whom she only met a month ago. He is on methadone and I have also learned other terrible things about him. One parent had to have a restraining order put against him because he wouldn't leave her daughter alone, and there is probably even more that I don't know about.
My daughter went to his house (his parent's home) and told them she was kicked out, (she was not), and when I went there to find out what was going on and to get her to come home, she told me to f--- myself. She has never used this language on me,
We don't use that language in my house. She has not been raised this way, both her father and I have tried to encourage her to do good in school, we don't let her stay out all hours, she has a curfew, and for the most part, one of us picks her up at night. I never go to bed until she is home.
Now, she has left and seems quite pleased with herself, no ‘good-byes’ to her 2 sisters, no ‘I am sorry for what I said’. I am running low on batteries; I don't know how much more I can take. I love my child and she is in dangerous water with this guy. How do I handle this?
Today, they got an apartment. His income is not enough to live on. I am sure she will quit school now to get a job. She will probably end up pregnant, and who knows what this guy is capable of. Plus, this is her first real relationship. I feel that everyday, I am loosing her more and I don't know how to proceed.
She has a good home. I am heart broken, and I am trying to act normal for the sake of my other two kids. Her grandparents are sick about this. I don't know what to do. It is like I had 3 daughters, now I have two, overnight. Can you help me?
__________
First, let’s be clear on the primary tenet, which will be the foundation for my recommendations: Our primary goal as parents should be to foster the development of self-reliance.
When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, many children respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. Some follow through with this threat.
But, in the case of a 17-year-old, we are dealing with a young adult. Thus, she is old enough to make her own decisions, even if they are bad decisions. Your efforts to protect her from bad decisions WILL make a bad problem worse. She must be able to make mistakes – it’s how she learns! Allow her to make her own choice – even if the choice is a poor one in your estimation. If, for example, she returns home (which is likely -- after a huge break-up with this boyfriend) and wants to violate a house rule, let her do it, and then simply issue a consequence.
Simply state the house rules and the consequences for violating house rules. If she doesn’t want to abide by your rules, she can live elsewhere. In any event, do not loosen-up your expectations for compliance regarding house rules. Again, this is her choice: (a) live with mom and dad and play by their rules, or (b) live elsewhere under my own set of rules and deny myself the comforts of home.
It is very possible to support her (a) even if she lives elsewhere and (b) as she begins the process of separating from the “nest.” She is making an effort to become self-reliant, and this is a good thing. She will likely learn a very valuable life lesson with this boyfriend. I know you are terribly concerned for her safety. But you have no control at this time. And, again, attempts to control the situation will most likely make a bad problem worse.
Reward her for seeking self-reliance and provide a lot of encouragement in this area. She will live up to – or down to – your expectations of her. If you convey an attitude that she is too immature and incompetent to survive away from the nest, she will take your attitude as instruction to fail out in the real world. On the other hand, if you convey an attitude of trust in her capabilities, she will become capable.
Again, pick your battles carefully. This falls into the category of “things you cannot control,” and attempts to control it will most likely backfire.
Be patient with your daughter as she pushes against the world to see how it responds. Old habits are hard to break. It may take awhile for her to understand that you are serious and will no longer be controlled by her emotional outbursts or manipulations. Keep your cool and continue about your day, not letting her see the frustration you may feel. And always, always, follow through with the consequence that you have described to her should she return home (or visit home) and violate a house rule. Be consistent. Most importantly, when she makes the right decision, be sure to give her a big hug and let her know how proud of her you.
Trust that things will work out for the best in the long run …detach from the outcome …and have faith in yourself as a parent, trusting that you have laid down a solid foundation for your daughter such that she will be able to be a responsible adult sooner rather than later.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> Click here for more help...
She lied to us...
Dear Mark,
Thank you for your quick response. We have a situation in our home at the moment and my husband and I have differing views on consequences for an action.
Situation: One of our 17-year-old triplet girls is very social always on the go. Last weekend she was to sleep at a friend’s with 2 other girls. She called when she arrived to let us know she was there for the night.
Yesterday she admitted to us (because she thought we were going to receive a phone call) that they went back out to pick up a friend. When they arrived at the friend's house, kids started showing up with alcohol and "barged in." They had heard that the girl's mother was out of town.
I later found out from my daughter that they stayed for the party, and spent the night at this girl's house because they had to help her clean up.
I have told my daughter that I am disappointed in her judgment. She has compromised our trust in her. We have guidelines in our house that if they ever find themselves in such a situation they are to call us and we will come a get them, no questions and no punishment.
She lied to us, stayed somewhere with no parental supervision, and would have deceived us further by not telling us if her friends mom had not said she was calling.
I feel that her punishment be a longer-term punishment (i.e., earlier curfew, call when she gets to her destination, when she leaves etc.). A much closer eye on her to let her understand that she must earn our trust back. My husband feels she should have a consequence, but says she will be away next year at college and we won't know what she is doing. I want her to learn good judgment especially since she will be away.
I would love a 3rd person's opinion. She is really a good kid, honor roll, this is only the second time we have had a punishment issue with her. I don't know how much I don't know!
Thank you
D. M.
________________
Hi D.,
Several months ago, I received an email from a parent who had gone through the same experience. I’ll simply refer you to my response to this mother’s inquiry here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com
The above is my ongoing recommendation for teens and ‘alcohol drinking episodes’.
Please stay in touch,
Mark
Thank you for your quick response. We have a situation in our home at the moment and my husband and I have differing views on consequences for an action.
Situation: One of our 17-year-old triplet girls is very social always on the go. Last weekend she was to sleep at a friend’s with 2 other girls. She called when she arrived to let us know she was there for the night.
Yesterday she admitted to us (because she thought we were going to receive a phone call) that they went back out to pick up a friend. When they arrived at the friend's house, kids started showing up with alcohol and "barged in." They had heard that the girl's mother was out of town.
I later found out from my daughter that they stayed for the party, and spent the night at this girl's house because they had to help her clean up.
I have told my daughter that I am disappointed in her judgment. She has compromised our trust in her. We have guidelines in our house that if they ever find themselves in such a situation they are to call us and we will come a get them, no questions and no punishment.
She lied to us, stayed somewhere with no parental supervision, and would have deceived us further by not telling us if her friends mom had not said she was calling.
I feel that her punishment be a longer-term punishment (i.e., earlier curfew, call when she gets to her destination, when she leaves etc.). A much closer eye on her to let her understand that she must earn our trust back. My husband feels she should have a consequence, but says she will be away next year at college and we won't know what she is doing. I want her to learn good judgment especially since she will be away.
I would love a 3rd person's opinion. She is really a good kid, honor roll, this is only the second time we have had a punishment issue with her. I don't know how much I don't know!
Thank you
D. M.
________________
Hi D.,
Several months ago, I received an email from a parent who had gone through the same experience. I’ll simply refer you to my response to this mother’s inquiry here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com
The above is my ongoing recommendation for teens and ‘alcohol drinking episodes’.
Please stay in touch,
Mark
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