Can you help me sort this out?

I’ve responded to your email below. Please look for these arrows below >>>>>>>>>>>

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Good Morning,

Thank you for responding to my last set of questions so quickly. I'm a single parent and the guidance and support is greatly appreciated and needed! So ... we got through the first 3 day punishment. Things seem to be getting better, daughter had a better attitude for a few days, etc.

>>>>>>>>> You may want to review "When You Want Something From Your Kid" (in the Anger Management chapter of the online version).

>>>>>>>> step 1: Pick the least restrictive consequence first (e.g., ground for one day with no computer).

>>>>>>>>>step 2 (if needed): If she doesn't accept this discipline (i.e., she gets on the computer anyway, or leaves the house), then take everything away (or at least her favorite items) and ground her for 3 days.


>>>>>>>>>step 3 (if needed): If she violates the 3-day discipline at any point, merely re-start. If she completes the 3-day discipline successfully, but a few days later behaves inappropriately again, return to step 1 rather than jumping to step 3.


Then, yesterday I had to enforce another 3 day restriction. I have been using her computer time because she loves it. First question ... should I try to use other things as well ... it's not a good idea to ALWAYS use the computer time as the first privilege that is taken away is it?

Second issue is that absences from school have been a real problem. So, I've made it clear that going to school is an expectation in our household and is the law in this country. I've been trying very hard to be consistent and not play in to her constant minor ailments to get out of school.

>>>>>>>> You are on track here.

Yesterday, she called from school with a "headache" so instead of picking her up ... I took some Tylenol down to the school and sent her back to class. I also spoke with the school nurse about what was going on. I don't want to seem unsupportive if she's truly ill, but I'm really trying to stand my ground.

>>>>>>>>> You're still on track -- good work.

This morning when I woke her up she was very combative -- yelling, screaming she doesn't want to live with me and she hates me, slamming doors ... so, I imposed another punishment of no phone (along with no computer) for three days. Should I have simply extended the computer restriction to another 3 days or is it ok to take away another privilege?

>>>>>>>>>>Use the steps I listed above.

Lastly, in the course of observing her ...I realized she really was sick. She was coughing like crazy, her eyes were clearly swollen, nose running, etc. I didn't notice when I first woke her up ... of course I just naturally assumed she was faking again. What do I do? Do I still enforce the no phone restriction ... she was probably so combative because she is sick and I wasn't hearing her or even considering the possibility.

>>>>>>>>> If she has a temperature or swollen lymph nodes in her neck, she should stay home; otherwise, she should go to school.

So, of course I feel guilty. I know I can't let guilt guide my decisions and the words in your e-book "better not to start this program at all than to do it half way" keep ringing in my head.

>>>>>>>>>When you feel guilty, remind yourself that will be doing the most harm possible if you choose to enable her (i.e., save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with poor choices or irresponsibility).

I just want to do the right thing and I'm committed to making these changes and doing what's best for her. Can you help me sort this out?

>>>>>>>>> You are doing great. Relax and keep it simple though.

Mark


www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Military School Option

Today's public school system is poorly equipped to handle out of control teenagers. Many teachers will tell you they are afraid of some students. Often times, parents turn to military schools as an option to discipline and educate their out of control teenagers. Military schools, which seemed headed for extinction in the late 1960s and early '70s, have seen enrollments increase steadily in recent years. Many military schools are jammed to capacity and sport long waiting lists, as anxious parents scramble for slots. 

She won't go to school...

My 16-year-old daughter will not go to school. I ordered and read your online book last night. She came to me this morning and told me she would not be going to school tomorrow and I told her I would not argue with her about it anymore. If she didn't go to school tomorrow, she would not be able to talk on the phone or use the computer to communicate with anyone. She said fine. I told her the three-day restriction would continue every three days until she goes to school. My only fear is that I am going to get in trouble for not sending her to school. Do you think she will finally give in? She is a very strong-willed child. She has been diagnosed with ODD, OCD, ADHD and is supposed to be taking anti-depressants. She refuses to take any medication. Give me your thoughts, please. T.W.

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Hi T.,

Re: getting her to take her meds. Pick your battles carefully. I would let go of this one. If she were bipolar, she wouldn’t be able to neglect her meds, but with odd/ocd/adhd, she will probably be all right without meds (although her psychiatrist would shoot me for saying this).

Re: school attendance. Let her know that she is grounded for 3 days with no privileges – BUT -- the clock does not start until she goes to school. Also, you may want to go to your local juvenile probation department and let them know that she refuses to go to school (this will cover you from a legal standpoint).

Going to school usually is an exciting, enjoyable event for teens. But for some it brings intense fear or panic. Parents should be concerned if their child regularly complains about feeling sick or asks to stay home from school with minor physical complaints. These children may suffer from a paralyzing fear of leaving the safety of their parents and home. The child's panic and refusal to go to school is very difficult for parents to cope with, but these fears and behavior can be treated successfully, with professional help.

Teens who refuse to go to school usually:

· feel that others see them in a negative way

· become unduly self-conscious and avoid social situations in which they fear others may criticize them or make fun of them behind their back

· have negative and troublesome relationships with their peers

· get teased by mischievous children or harassed by a bully

· are reluctant to go to school because of an appearance and self-esteem problem, or social "image" problem prompted by a school rumor or being let down by a friend

· are depressed and experience significant difficulty in getting up and getting out of bed in the morning.

Don't make staying home more rewarding than going to school. Eliminate or reduce all incentives for staying home. Also, attach rewards and incentives to going to school and staying there throughout the school hours.

Having investigated the possible causes and offered your support as a parent, you may have to "push" your child out to school. You may have to learn to ignore the tantrums, complaints, and the pleading to "let me stay home just for today."

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How can he help himself?

I have read through all your information. I feel inspired. My 14 year old son has anger rages when things do not go his way. He says he wants to help himself but he doesn't know how. Your information is wonderful in how to help us parents but how can he help himself?

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Hi W.,

When your son feels better about himself, he will begin to help himself.

Your child is like a computer, and you are the computer programmer. He takes your disapproval/criticism as instruction. For example, if the parent says to the child, “You’re such a slob,” the criticism downloads in the child’s unconscious mind as “I am a slob” and he ‘acts-out’ the criticism as if it were instruction to be sloppy.
The good news is that your son takes your compliments and encouragement as instruction as well.

For example, the parent’s compliment, “You do such a great job of not blowing-up when your younger brother annoys you” downloads in the child’s unconscious mind as “I am in control of my strong emotions,” and he acts on the compliment as if it were instruction to be calm even we he is annoyed.

Also, catch your child in the act of doing something right at least once each day – accuse him/her of being successful!!!

For example:

“I noticed you picked your jacket up off the floor …I appreciate that!”

“I see that you’re doing your chore without having to be asked …thank you!”

“You got home by curfew …that’s you being responsible!”

“Your sister annoyed you and you walked away …that’s good self-control!”

“I see that you’re upset, and I appreciate that you’re handling your strong feelings well.”

“I see that you’re frustrated with the assignment and that you’re sticking with it."

“I like that you were honest when it would have been easy to lie …that’s respectful!”

“You’ve been using much more self-control when you’re mad.”

“You did what I asked right away …you followed directions beautifully!”


Good luck,

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

She's a Kicker!

Hello,

We just received your book and are desperately trying to stay non emotional. Although, our daughter is angry over losing her cell phone for using horrid profanity, calling us names. She begins to thrown things at us, and kicks the walls. What should our response be when she is being destructive to our home?

Thanks,
T.

________________

Hi T.,

Tell her that the next time she chooses to call people names, throw things, kick, etc., she will choose the consequence, which will be grounding for 3 days with no privileges (no phone, T.V., games, etc.).

If she does any of the above, follow through with the consequence. Please refer to this page for more instruction: Anger Management

"We can't make it through the next 6 weeks without blowing..."

 

Hi M.,

I’ve responded to each of your points below.  Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>

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Hi Mark,

First -- I spoke with you a few days ago about my out-of-control son who is 8 (almost 9). Thank you so much for your time and counsel -- we have now been implementing the techniques for saying "yes" and "no" for about 4 days and are having interesting results.

The first 2 days were great. My son was stunned by the approach and, as you predicted, he tried every trick to get us to cave. He went to his room when "grounded" for a period of time and calmed down. Now, however, he is frustrated with how things are going and demanding that we stop the stupidity. Last night in the midst of a tantrum he even screamed at me "Why don't you just yell instead!" Needless to say my response we "I'm not going to argue." You can imagine his rage...

Anyway, here are concerns: His tantrums are, indeed, getting more intense as we stick to our plan. And, he is more violent now as a result. I can keep my poker face on when he uses the "F" word to me in his rage (although he is clueless as to it's meaning, he just knows it's unacceptable) or flips me off

>>>>>>>>>>>>> When you have issued a consequence (e.g., grounding for one evening with no games), and he uses the ‘F’ word or flips anyone off, the clock should be re-started (i.e., the one-day discipline starts over).

BUT WHAT DO I DO when he attempts to hit, kick, bite or throw things at me, or worse, his sisters, who are just a year younger?? This is all occurring during his rages now and I can't seem to make him stay in his room when he has been grounded there.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>If he gets physical with anyone, look at your watch and re-start the original discipline, whatever that happens to be.

Last night his consequence was that he had to go to bed early because of his behavior and refusal to go to his room for the set period of 15 minutes. The consequence ultimately escalated to 3 days of being grounded out of the playroom that he shares with his twin sisters (where most of the toys are also kept). None of this seemed to matter enough to him to cause him to choose to calm down or end the violence.

>>>>>>>>>>>> The 3-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. As soon as he goes to his room for a time out, the clock begins.

How do I respond when he is being so physically aggressive?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> If he injures anyone, you should call the police, file a report, go to your local probation department and file a battery charge. If his physical aggressiveness is not of the kind that injures anyone do the following:

1. Model respectful behavior and treat your son with respect. Eventually he will respect himself and others.

2. Spend one-on-one time with your son several times a week.

3. Give him something to be responsible for each week (e.g., he gets to decide what the family will have for supper on Friday evenings; a couple times a week, he gets to be in charge of a work detail, in other words, who does what chore).

4. Continue to display NO emotion when he’s upset and attempting to push your intensity-producing buttons.

5. Coach him by modeling and practicing non-violent ways of expressing his needs and wants.

6. Greatly limit television viewing and computer games (and monitor what he watches on T.V. and plays on his games).

7. Find ways to reduce the stress in the home (e.g., slow down the pace and lower the noise levels).

Additionally, both my husband and I are amazed at how accurate your description of his need for intensity is -- we can really see it now that we have read about this in your ebook. We kept ourselves totally low key and poker-faced for well over an hour last night during his rage. But I feel that the sheer time it took to work through this episode last night was enough to continue to fuel his need for intensity as he supplied plenty of his own.

>>>>>>>>> When confronting his negative behavior, do not do it in front of the other kids. Tell him you need to speak to him, take him to another room away from the others -- then issue the consequence. Also, he gets to choose when the consequence starts. For example, if he’s grounded from the playroom for 2 days, the 2-day-discipline does not start until he calms down. When he’s done spraying on everybody like a skunk, look at your watch and tell him the clock has now started.

Additionally, even if we keep our intensity at zero, we have to daughters very close to him in age and they can REALLY feed the intensity factor. How can we work with this situation most effectively?

>>>>>>>>>> Again, try to keep your son and the other kids separated as much as possible while “things are going wrong.”

Mark, we are strongly committed to making this work. We are working to find the right medication as well and, unfortunately have not found the right things yet. But, while I'm good at poker I'm scared that I can't -- we can't -- make it through the next 6 weeks without blowing. And we don't know what else to do.

>>>>>>>> If you haven’t tried it already, Clonidine would be a good place to start (½ pill a day). Other possibilities would be Risperidone and Tegretol (small doses to start with).

Any words of wisdom and advice would be so greatly appreciated!

Thank you so much for your website, ebook, and continued support!

M.

==> Help for parents with defiant kids and teens...

Teen Suicide