Self-Reliance is Key!

Hi Mark,

Since I wrote you, a question with which I need some
help has popped into my mind.

My son is 16 and in the 11th grade. He has been in a
deep depression since the end of October. He is
beginning to pull out of it a little bit. Meds still
are not exactly right and will take a couple more
months to get right because two of them require very
slow dosing (lamictal and trileptal).

When my son just turned 12 and was entering the 7th
grade, he became actively suicidal. It took almost the
whole academic year to figure out what was going on
meds-wise and get him stable. Since then, he's done a
therapeutic wilderness camp, had lots of therapy, done
neurofeedback, and has been wonderful for three years
until the downturn in the fall, which was related to
an undiagnosed case of hypothyroidism and going down on
his meds (since he was stable for so long).

Since this latest depression, my husband and I have
laid off on all requirements. Now, we find ourselves
with a kid who is resistant to chores, respect, etc.
We can handle this and have been preparing him for the
big boom this weekend, “Honey, there are some things we
want and some things you want. But no one gets
something for nothing. We'll talk this weekend and
make a deal."

Here's my question: Will doing this kind of parenting
help to force some emotional growth? Or, should we
still consider a placement for him. At 16 and in the
11th grade, I see the clock ticking in terms of
getting him ready to leave home and manage his own
life.

What have you seen?

Thanks,

J.

_______________________________________________________________________


The strategies in my ebook are ALL ABOUT fostering the development of self-reliance. Self-reliance is key! When we over-indulge our kids (the opposite of self-reliance), we end up with a kid who:

(a) Is dependent on us for free hand-outs of material items and privileges

(b) Is emotionally under-developed (i.e., we have a kid who is chronologically 16-years-old, but is emotionally more like 9-years-old)

(c) Is resentful because of his dependency

(d) expects continued indulgence

(e) has a strong sense of entitlement

(f) becomes detached -- not bonded -- to the parent

(g) experiences problems in other areas of his life as well (e.g., school)

When we as parents foster the development of self-reliance, we undo all (or most) of the above. To go into detail here about how one goes about fostering this development would be to re-write the ebook. I’ll simply direct you to the material, then we can tweak the strategies accordingly once you have implemented most of them.

Mark

LEARN MORE

The Romeo & Juliet Phenomenon

Question:

I am a “bitch” Mark ...can u tell me if I did anything wrong? …let me give u some background ...daughter’s boyfriend keeps sneaking in her bedroom at nights ...I told him not to, but he kept doing it, and one day they sneaked him into her bedroom and hid in the attic closet when I came home and they didn’t expect me.... the closest is right over my living room ...the ceiling didn’t hold my daughter's boyfriend's body weight and it destroyed my ceiling of my living room (cost over $100 to fix it). Well after everything that I told her he was not welcome onto my land anymore. I have warned her many times about him being on my land.

Well today I took her to school and then she asked me if I could pick her up after school ...and I said sure, and then she said that Justin (her b/f) was going to be here and could I give him a ride, and I said no. I wasn’t going to give her friends rides all over the place. Then she said fine I will walk home...

Well she came home about an hour after school with her b/f and he came on my land. I reminded her that he wasn’t welcome on my land and ask her to ask him to leave. Well she did and then he left and stood on the road ....about half hour later. I heard his voice outside my house on my porch. I asked my daughter again to leave and she had two minutes to get him off my land.

She said that she wanted him to come in and I said no again. She said "why not. Its cold outside.” I said ... “I already told u to get him off my land.” Well she started to yell at me. So I warned her to get him off my land. I stayed calm and collect so I didn’t take it out on her. She said well u have to respect that he is my b/f, and I told her that I do respect that but he has to leave. Then she yelled at me and called me a bitch.

Then I said to her. I’m gonna call 911 to have him removed if u don’t have him off in 30 seconds then I went to the door cause she wasn’t listening ...and told him to get off this land. He said to me “your funny” ...and walked away ...then she said to me ...u bitch …then I am leaving and am going to Justin’s and she left. And now I’m sitting here feeling guilty, hurt and sad about it all that has happened ...I don’t want her mad or hating me.

==> Click here for the answer to this dilemma...

Husband is not on the same page...

I have read your ebook and found it easy to understand and value the suggestions/examples given in the book. I have attempted to start the assignments in the book BUT the problem I have is convincing my husband to read and initiate the parenting strategies. What’s the best way to motivate my husband to at least get him to consider implementing these strategies?

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A weaker plan supported by both parents is better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent. I would simply summarize for him the important points and then model for him the strategies that you want him to begin to implement. If he simply does not want to use a particular strategy, then you would do well to strike some sort of compromise with him. The compromise may be a "watered-down" version of the real thing, but again, that's better than the two of you being on separate pages.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Is it realistic to insist on appropriate attitude...

Hi Mark, My question is: Is it realistic to insist on appropriate attitude, respect and tone of voice from my daughter at this beginning stage, and if so can you make some suggestions? Thanks, happyfeet

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Actually, "insisting" is not part of our methodology. We simply: (a) state the rules, (b) state the consequences for breaking the rules, and (c) follow through with implementing the consequence if the rule is broken.

You can’t really stop a child from breaking the rules. She already knows what the rules are, and it gets old trying to convince her not to break rules. But...

 

You can deliver a consequence in a way that doesn’t accidentally reward her for negative behavior. And you can give your child your energy when things are going right rather than when they are going wrong.

Say to your daughter, "You know the rules. If you want to break the rules, there's a consequence -- no big deal. You decide."

 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

We need an exorcist!

"We need more than parent coaching - we need an exorcist! Do your services include exorcism (lol)? Our daughter is the most selfish, insensitive teenager alive today - or so you would think if you had to live with her."

When a teenager seems insensitive or selfish, it is because she is in too much emotional pain to be able to consider the parent's feelings. Pain interferes with listening and with understanding where the parent is coming from. This is particularly hard to understand when the teenager hides her pain with rage or with the "silent-treatment."

Sometimes kids behave in manipulative, hurtful ways not because they think this will change the parent's behavior, but because they honestly feel they are doing the best they can given the circumstances.

If we, as parents, think our children do bad things because they have evil intentions, we may give up trying to influence them, become afraid of them, get angry with them, seek revenge, etc. Your daughter isn't “bad,” she's just desperate to find a solution to her problems and hasn’t found one yet.

Setting consequences for misbehavior takes some skill. When parents do it wrong, they end up making a bad problem worse. If they do it right and incorporate some incentives/rewards to go along with it, it can be the most rewarding experience they ever encounter.

 

More help below:

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents with Defiant Teenagers 

What can you tell me about NVLD, and what can a parent do?

What can you tell me about NVLD, and what can a parent do?

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Non-verbal Learning Disability (NVLD or NLD) is very like Asperger Syndrome (AS). AS and NVLD are generally thought to describe pretty much the same kind of disorder, but to differ in severity—with AS describing more severe symptoms.

Signs of NVLD include:

· Great vocabulary and verbal expression
· Excellent memory skills
· Attention to detail, but misses the big picture
· Trouble understanding reading
· Difficulty with math, especially word problems
· Poor abstract reasoning
· Physically awkward; poor coordination
· Messy and laborious handwriting
· Concrete thinking; taking things very literally
· Trouble with nonverbal communication, like body language, facial expression and tone of voice
· Poor social skills; difficulty making and keeping friends
· Fear of new situations
· Trouble adjusting to changes
· May be very naïve and lack common sense
· Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem
· May withdraw, becoming agoraphobic (abnormal fear of open spaces)

Here are some parenting tips for kids with NLD?

· Keep the environment predictable and familiar.
· Provide structure and routine.
· Prepare your child for changes, giving logical explanations.
· Pay attention to sensory input from the environment, like noise, temperature, smells, many people around, etc.
· Help your child learn coping skills for dealing with anxiety and sensory difficulties.
· Be logical, organized, clear, concise and concrete. Avoid jargon, double meanings, sarcasm, nicknames, and teasing.
· State your expectations clearly.
· Be very specific about cause and effect relationships.
· Work with your child’s school to modify homework assignments, testing (time and content), grading, art and physical education.
· Have your child use the computer at school and at home for schoolwork.
· Help your child learn organizational and time management skills.
· Make use of your child’s verbal skills to help with social interactions and non-verbal experiences. For example, giving a verbal explanation of visual material.
· Teach your child about non-verbal communication (facial expressions, gestures, etc.). Help them learn how to tell from others’ reactions whether they are communicating well.
· Learn about social competence and how to teach it.
· Help your child out in group activities.
· Get your child into the therapies they need, such as: occupational and physical therapy, psychological, or speech and language (to address social issues).
· Steer your child toward a playmate they have something in common with and set up a play date. This is a way to get some social skills experience in a small, controlled, less-threatening way.
· See if you can find a small-group social skills training program in your school system, medical system, or community. This kind of program will probably not be available in smaller communities.
· Encourage your child to develop interests that will build their self-esteem and help them relate to other kids. For example, if your child is interested in Pokémon, pursuing this interest may open social doors for them with schoolmates.
· Talk to your child in private after you have gone with them to a group activity. You can discuss with them how they could improve the way they interact with other kids. For example, you might point out that other kids don't feel comfortable when your child stands so close to them. Help them practice the social skills you explain to them through role-playing.
· Bullying is unacceptable. Your child's school must make every effort to prevent it. If talking to your child's teachers and principal does not put an end to the victimization, ask your child's doctor to write a letter to the school, and pursue the issue up to higher channels in the school district if necessary.
· These kids need as few handicaps as possible, so make sure your child is getting the counseling, therapies, and/or medication they need to treat any other problems or medical conditions they might have.
· Reassure your child that you value them for who they are. It's a little tricky to help your child improve social skills, and at the same time nurture their confidence to hold on to their unique individuality.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Does He Need Residential Placement?

I just logged onto your site for the first time and wonder if your tips can help us- a single parent with a 15 year old son who matches most of the factors you list in the behavior list AND as a result we are seeking residential placement before he does something really bad. He is a kid with great potential in spite of a low IQ and a school system, which is not meeting his needs. He has NVLD, which is not recognized by the school, and I cannot get them to understand that he needs different accommodations, not isolation in a special-ed classroom, which he hates.

Thanks.

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Of course my bias would be to err on the side of trying the parenting strategies in my ebook first. Unless you will be sending him to a boarding school for at least a year, you will be wasting a lot of time and money on placement.

Keep in mind that I counsel kids who are struggling [just like your son], and I also work for a youth center that has 4 residential facilities. What I see is that the kid does very well while in placement, but if the parent has not made any changes on her end, the kid's "positive behavior change" has no longevity -- with a few short weeks after returning home, I see the behavior problems reappear with one negative caveat - the kid has been associating with other delinquents, and is a better "criminal thinker" as a result.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com