My daughter doesn't respond to what we do and rarely speaks to me...

Hi P.,

I've responded in several places below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>

I've read through [the ebook] and need to make these comments. In the contents to the online version it mentions different assignments, but these don't seem to be in the printable version.

>>>>>>>>>> Actually, the assignments ARE in both the printable version and online version. On my printable copy, I see the following:

Assignment #1 - page 23
Assignment #2 - page 29
Assignment #3 - page 36
Assignment #4 - page 41

...this could be slightly different on your copy, but only by a page or two.

I have attempted to use assertive parenting as much as possible in the way that you describe. I am a teacher working with disturbed and damaged children and we use many of the strategies you mention, so I am familiar with the ideas. However, my daughter doesn't respond to what we do and rarely speaks to me, usually walking out of the room as soon as I walk in.

>>>>>>>>>> This indicates that you are in a power struggle with you daughter. Also, she has 'resentment flu'. You must - absolutely must - get into the online version of the ebook and listen to all the audio. You have only digested 50% of the material so far since you have only read the printable version. I can see why you're still struggling.

I have withdrawn privileges and possessions and she either hides away in her room for days on end or goes out and stays away all night.

>>>>>>>>>> O.K. Then you can ground her FROM her room. But you need to get out of the power-struggle first.
The only time she really makes any contact with us is if she is feeling poorly and then turns into a baby lying across her mother like a very young child.

>>>>>>>>>>> This is an indication that she is emotionally under-developed (which as you may have read, is a result of over-indulgent parenting).

She is very awkward about taking any medicine when she is unwell and will often refuse totally because she doesn't like the taste or consistency. This contrasts with drinking large amounts of vodka when she goes out with friends. I can't really see how the very good advice in the ebook can help us in this situation.

>>>>>>>>>> I have to be honest here. I don't think you "got it" with your first "read through" of my ebook. I clearly stipulate a method for dealing with teenage drinking. We should probably schedule a phone consultation. If you're available tomorrow, I'll be glad to spend some time with you on the phone (my dime).

Also to go back to the online support, in the advertising it says that the course is available in audio form but I can't see it anywhere on the website.

>>>>>>>>>> The audio is in the online version of the ebook, which you have not accessed yet.

Mark

I feel like no matter what I do, it will be wrong in their eyes.

Mark,

Right now you are the only one who might have any idea of what I am going through. I wish I knew what to ask you. I guess one of my first questions to you would be: How much contact should I have with my kids?

Their grandmother said I could call or stop over whenever I wanted. I told her I would rather let my children call me when they wanted, and I would like to come see them if they asked her if I could come over.

She said that they do not usually tell her what they want, so I should probably make the first move towards contacting them. I have been emailing them, but that is it so far except for calling their grandmother twice to see how they were doing.

If I contact them first, will it make the situation worse? If I wait for them, will they think that I don't miss them? I might be their Mom, but I feel like no matter what I do, it will be wrong in their eyes.

Do you have any suggestions?

L.

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Hi Laura,

I agree with their grandmother. You will have to be the one to initiate contact – at first. After everyone has recovered from “resentment flu,” your kids will start to initiate contact as well.

Don’t make a big production out of the visits, and keep them short initially. Simply pop-in unannounced, ask how things are going, tell them you love them (don’t wait for a response; it doesn’t matter how they respond), then go on about your day.

Make visits a habit – a weekly event that is never missed. But, again, keep them short at first. And don’t expect anything from your kids (e.g., kind statements, hugs, kisses, eye-to-eye contact, etc.). Don’t require them to respond to you in any particular way.

Ask your higher power -- whoever that is -- to give you guidance. Trust that you will receive the guidance you need. Be patient with the process. Detach from the outcome. And never, never give up!

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Adolescent Sex Offenders

Hello Mr. Hutten,

I found your statement about going with the flow when writing these newsletters interesting in light of the previous topic on Adolescent Sex Offenders. I have to ask, are the parents coming to you with questions because their children are the offender or questions because their child has been a victim??

I have a little experience with this and am curious what percentage of parents are out there who's children have sexually offended and they feel paralyzed by their inability to talk to anyone about their experience because this topic is just not socially acceptable. I think the parents are often viewed to be just as bad as the child who offended. I feel that not all cases are worthy of litigation but certainly all offenses are worthy of mandatory counseling for the offender.

What are your thoughts and would you consider this parent support group a safe place for those parents to share their experiences, to learn from, and also to help others?

Sincerely,

J.

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Hello J.,

Parents who email with questions about sex offenders usually have some suspicion that their child is engaging in this activity …they just don’t have any solid evidence yet. They’re trying to educate themselves on ‘what to look for’ because some red flags have shown up.

In the U.S., 15 to 33 percent of all sex offenses are committed by persons under 21 years of age. Males represent approximately 90% of adult and adolescent sex offenders reported to authorities.

Many victims do not report their abuse out of fear of revenge. Victims of sexual dating violence or acquaintance rape, or male victims of female offenders often do not define their experience as sexual assault or abuse, therefore do not report it. Other victims are afraid of parental reactions, or are too embarrassed to report because they mistakenly believe that what happened to them is their fault. Some are sometimes reluctant to involve the police or other "officials" because they think they will bring shame or stigma to themselves or their family. Some victims are just too young, developmentally delayed, or immature to realize they were sexually assaulted or sexually abused. Sexual acts by teens are still often dismissed or minimized as being just experimentation or harmless curiosity. Adolescent sex offenders rarely disclose their abusing behavior or refer themselves to treatment. Many parents also do not report incidents of incest between siblings or other members of the family.

Re: “…would you consider this parent support group a safe place for those parents to share their experiences, to learn from, and also to help others?”

Answer: Absolutely. Parents remain anonymous. In many cases, the parent simply states she does not want her email posted to this blog, in which case, it is NOT posted for others to read.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

It's All About Money ...right?

Being a single mother (of 3 all together) with a part-time income and struggling with my work-schedule and counseling appointments, behavior specialists, case workers, COURT (14-yr old gets into legal trouble), everyday household tasks/duties, a 10 yr old daughter who is active in Girl Scouts and school activities, AND dealing with major disrespect from BOTH boys....has driven me to do some research online. And pretty much it's all the same BS. Don't get me wrong; the info I am finding is (somewhat) helpful and websites are always chock full of great information; but so were my therapists/counselors- however, VERY VERY discouraging for single parents like myself, because I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE 'HELP' I NEED. I am lucky to even have 20 bucks for gas in my car a week!

And people dangle the fact that THEY have the ANSWER to these kinds of PROBLEMS and put on flashy lights and great advertisements...but overall, it is to make a quick buck with no regards to individual situations. How unfair this is for other families like mine.

May your 'business' bring you more prosperity....
Heated

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Hi "heated" ..I mean C.,

My full-time job consists of going to the homes of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. I work with both the parent and the defiant child over a period of about 4 to 6 weeks. During our time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.

These parents have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional & behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.

Here’s the good news. These “out-of-control” kids I see on a daily basis are the most enjoyable bunch I could ever work with. I get nothing but respect and cooperation from all of them. Why? Because I’ve learned how to approach them. And believe me, it’s taken many years to get it right.

I show the parent how to be the “therapist” and how to approach their child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems. There is no need for them to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I help them resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for them!

When they read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as they go along – they get the problems turned around. They take a step of faith by joining Online Parent Suport, and then they experience the same success that hundreds of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But it is NOT too late!!

Most parents are tired of the disrespect, dishonesty and arguments …tired of trying to deal with the problems “on your own,” so they get started with these parenting strategies. And they find out that Online Parent Support is not some "scam" or whatever.

I'm not a “miracle worker,” but they don't need a miracle to get their kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- they just need the right combination of “unconventional” parenting strategies.

I’m always here for parents whenever they are ready to stop feeling sorry for themselves ...when they are ready to stop portraying themselves as the victim …and when they are ready to get serious about correcting the problems at home.

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support
Madison County Juvenile Probation
Madison Superior Court, Division 2

The education of the kids is seriously hampered...

I am highly delighted over my admission as a member of online parent support. I truly pledge to utilize this admission to the fullest advantage. I shall always bring to your knowledge issue, questions and matters bordering my family.

Presently, I have a family of seven comprising wife, four boys, a girl, and myself. The five kids are all in school.

The family runs a small sized paint-processing factory, the proceeds of which sustained the family and catered for the education of the kids. Unfortunately, due to the absence of public power supply in our area since January 2006, the business has grounded. Due to the high cost of generating sets, it has not been possible to resuscitate the factory. Equally, there is a great lull in other ventures as a result of this energy problem.

Consequently, the education of the kids is seriously hampered, as the family now finds it difficult to cope with the high cost of education in Nigeria.

Because of this precarious development, my first son, Chinomso, who was doing second year in the university, withdrew. He now wonders about and constitutes a big problem to the family. The family is seriously disturbed. Efforts made to send him back to school have not yielded any positive dividend as a result of the poor financial state of the family.

What shall we do please? I shall spread the word about online parent support to friends and colleagues.

Thank you, and best regards.

In addition:

I am writing about one Mum in my area with five kids, whose husband died some years ago and has no other extended family to assist her for the upbringing of her kids.

As a result of this predicament the kids resulted to scandalous behaviours of wondering about and appear uncontrollable. Their state has affected their mum’s health adversely and her condition is deteriorating.

Please advice in this regard.

M.O.

He calls us losers and that we suck...

Mark, ok thank you,

If you recall I was the parent that sent in a blog about breaking up a party that my son was at (Saint Patrick’s night). The parents that were away are friends of mine thru little league coaching.

Their daughter had some kids over for a get together after DECA practice. Her parents were at their ski lodge in Maine. According to their daughter the kids just started showing up. Today’s technology with phones and text messages is to blame for that nowadays.

Anyway I broke the party up with the owner of the house on the phone. My main concern was that the drinking did not mix with the driving. Once I announced myself all the kids scattered. To make a long story short my kid is very mad at me and totally disrespects our authority and hates what I did.

After the weekend and one school day my son started talking w/ my wife and said I did this and that at the party broke up making my wife drift towards believing my son which was totally out of context.

I had such a responsibility that night and most likely prevented what could have been some serious problems that the kids could have gotten into.
He calls us losers and that we suck.

Now the consequences: This is what my wife and I have planned to present to my son


1) No more sleep-overs for the rest of the school year
2) He must get a weekend job
3) Grounded for 2 weeks
4) Must call the house owners and sincerely apologize
5) If these items are not taken seriously I am taking his laptop and phone away.

This kid is 19 years old senior in H.S. Mostly a great kid but hates to be around us and his 3 other brothers. He said that we cannot prevent him from drinking and that he would be a looser if he did not drink. Everyone drinks he says. Every time we give him reins he gets in trouble again. He has had 4 instances with the police ever since he turned 16.

College next year!!!

What do you think?

J.

__________________


J.,

All sounds good except consequence #3 (I’d make the grounding for only 1 week). Also, in consequence #5 you stated, “if these items are not taken seriously” you will take his laptop and phone away. If I were to video tape your son “taking these items seriously” what would I see. Make it very clear to him what you expect – be specific.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Do I let him continue to suffer...

Ryan has suffered with bad acne. We have taken him to 2 different doctors. He has yet to truly follow the regime of either so needless to say he has not seen improvements. I KNOW this impacts his mood. We have a follow up scheduled for May 4th.

>>>>>>>>>>Here's some info for you on the subject: ACNE

1. Do I let him continue to suffer the "natural consequences" of not following docs orders?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Yes

2. Do I take him for his follow up visit and let the doctor tell him? This seems like the typical over indulgent. I keep paying for docs and medicine and he does not take it and then blames the doctor?

>>>>>>>>>> No

3. Continue to remind him (although as gently as I try to do it he perceives it to be nagging?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> No

>>>>>> Whose problem is it ...yours or your son's? The more responsibility you take for his acne, the less he will take.

>>>>>> In general, when you are undecided about what to do, ask yourself the question: "Is what I'm about to say or do going to foster the development of self-reliance in my child -- or is it going to inhibit the development of self-reliance?

>>>>>> If it's going to promote self-reliance (directly or indirectly), then do it -- if not, then don't.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com