Hitting, biting, slapping...

What do I do when my child is hitting, biting, slapping. She wont go in her room cuz I took off the door. I restrained her till my husband came home. She only does this to me and some at her sister. what do i do?

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While some biting can occur during normal development, persistent biting can be a sign that a child has emotional or behavioral problems. While many children occasionally fight with or hit others, frequent and/or severe physical aggression may mean that a child is having serious emotional or behavioral problems that require professional evaluation and intervention. Persistent fighting or biting when a child is in daycare or preschool can be a serious problem. At this age, children have much more contact with peers and are expected to be able to make friends and get along.

Many children start aggressive biting between one and three years of age. Biting can be a way for a child to test his or her power or to get attention. Some children bite because they are unhappy, anxious or jealous. Sometimes biting may result from excessive or harsh discipline or exposure to physical violence. Parents should remember that children who are teething might also bite. Biting is the most common reason children get expelled from day care.

What to do:
·Say "no", immediately, in a calm but firm and disapproving tone.
·Do NOT bite a child to show how biting feels. This teaches the child aggressive behavior.
·If biting persists, try a negative consequence. For example, do not hold or play with a child for five minutes after he or she bites.
·For a toddler (1-2 years), firmly hold the child, or put the child down.
·For a young child (2-3 years) say, "biting is not okay because it hurts people."

If these techniques or interventions are not effective, parents should talk to their family physician.

Toddlers and preschool age children often fight over toys. Sometimes children are unintentionally rewarded for aggressive behavior. For example, one child may push another child down and take away a toy. If the child cries and walks away, the aggressive child feels successful since he or she got the toy. It is important to identify whether this pattern is occurring in children who are aggressive.

What to do:
·Do NOT hit a child if he or she is hitting others. This teaches the child to use aggressive behavior.
·For a toddler (1-2 years) say, "No hitting. Hitting hurts."
·For a young child (2-3 years) say, "I know you are angry, but don't hit. Hitting hurts." This begins to teach empathy to your child.
·If a child hits another child, immediately separate the children. Then try to comfort and attend to the other child.
·It is more effective to intervene before a child starts hitting. For example, intervene as soon as you see the child is very frustrated or getting upset.
·Parents should not ignore or down play fighting between siblings.
·When young children fight a lot, supervise them more closely.

When hitting or fighting is frequent, it may be a sign that a child has other problems. For example, he or she may be sad or upset, have problems controlling anger, have witnessed violence or may have been the victim of abuse at day care, school, or home.

Research has shown that children who are physically aggressive at a younger age are more likely to continue this behavior when they are older. Studies have also shown that children who are repeatedly exposed to violence and aggression from TV, videos and movies act more aggressively. If a young child has a persistent problem with fighting and biting or aggressive behavior, parents should seek professional assistance from a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional who specializes in the evaluation and treatment of behavior problems in very young children.

Online Parent Support

Parent: "We have taken almost everything away from our son..."

Hi Judy,

Please look for these arrows: ==>

Mark,

Once again I need your guidance and experience. I last e-mailed you beginning of November. Things have been going pretty well with the usual "falling off of the wagon" but overall we were feeling pretty good. If you remember we (husband and I) turned off M______ cell phone service and internet capabilities on his lap-top and we keep our desk top locked at all times unless we are using it. M______ has the potential of earning back the cell phone with parameters we gave him (proper house phone use and restriction of speaking with 2 people and passing with C grades [capable of A's and B's easily]). So far this has not happened--he keeps calling these people, but otherwise is OK. He has lost his TV in his room, playstation, and clothes when he left overnight with ability to earn them back. The items were kept locked in the back of my SUV. He was told if he wanted them back as he had earned them, to place them back in his room where they go and not just on the floor by Nov. 30 (told this 11/21 and reminded every few days of the deadline). If not, they would be given away to charity. He kept saying I should put them back as I took them, or I "would pay". I told him no with a straight face. Well, he chose charity--so far, no retaliation.

==> So for, so good. GREAT JOB!

We have seen him using an I-pad and a gaming system that do not belong to us. He says the I-pod is a friend's and he bought the I-pad for $50 (highly unlikely as they are $200 and we dole out his weekly money from his job)--LIES, LIES, LIES. We are waiting to meet with these boys and their parents (will see at the upcoming school sporting events) to verify things. Yesterday I found a Rx patch for an ADHD drug that he is not on. Also after he returned from a sports event (we were unable to go) I found a digital camera in his sports bag along with a uniform from the opposing team. (I was emptying the gym bag as it smelled and found those items.) I began to look in his room and also found a men's watch, bracelet and cell phone. I took them. He was confronted about these and of course lied his head off about it. Later, he snuck into my bedroom, found my hiding space, and took them back. He then was denying ever having them as we had no "proof". Well, he lost the use of a car and we took back his license. He was told he could start to earn back the privilege of use of the car when the items showed up, and the consequence would start.

==>You’re still on track!!

This morning, I told him he needed to tell me the truth about the items. He did not want to, but I told him he needed to start to trust me, that I would listen, ask questions, but not yell, consequence, etc. for 24 hours. He said someone "gave" him a bottle Vicodin that he sold for the I-pad, and he then traded it for the camera. He said the I-pod really was a friends. Also "found" the uniform, watch, and bracelet in the lost and found. Told he needed to produce them, and that we would return them to the school. He said he would "think" about it. Told the way he was acting was the person he would turn out to be, to really think about doing the right thing. Consequence would begin when the items were returned.

==> I think at this point I would tell him that if the items are not given to you within 24 hours, you will call police and file a report as well as call the school. We’re dealing with pure, unadulterated theft here.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

His coach showed up this afternoon (I was planning on calling him to tell him about our "findings". The other schools coach called and complained that someone had pooped in a sports bag. He knew M______ was the only one with enough free time to do this. M______ was not here with us, as he was at work. We told the coach about the other things. He wants to see M_____ later today to ask him personally about it.

==> Good!

M______ has a counseling session tomorrow evening and a meeting with his PO on Wednesday. I did tell M_____ that I would not cover up for him and would report what I know/have seen and on his behavior. He constantly is taking things from his older brother so he is charged $5 for entering his room and $% for each item "borrowed". He is constantly using profanity and within the last week or so it is really escalating. He says F____ at least 12 times per day, usually aimed at me. He also says "Why don't you go kill yourself". I don't let him see me get angry, but I do tell him not to do this around 9 yr old brother. However I am getting REALLY tired of it. I told him today, if he swore at me or in general was disrespectful to me I would not be doing his laundry as he did not respect me and I didn't owe him this service.

== > Actually dear mom, he should be doing his own laundry anyway!!!!!!

He has been seeing a boy who we are very uneasy with. He says his parents (separated, currently newly with his Dad, and recently moved back to this area after being 5 hrs away with his Mom) don't care where he is, who he's with, etc. and doesn't go home for days. He was told until we could speak to a parent, he was not to spend the night again. We didn't think this was "cool", as we feel a parent should know where their child is as long as they were minors and living in the family home.

I guess Mark, what I'm asking is "what now?" We have taken away almost everything. Trust is totally shot and very difficult to even allow him to go places etc. He will have "natural consequences" but what else can we do? I need some insight on where to go from here as far as consequences, privileges, etc.

== > If he will receive natural consequences associated with the above problems, then I wouldn’t issue another consequence on top of it.

Regarding “we have taken almost everything”: Let’s lower the bar a bit by only fighting one battle at a time. The biggest issue currently seems to be “theft.” Put everything else in the “deal-with-it-later” file. The 3-day-discipline starts as soon as he returns the stolen items – and after 3 days, he gets all his stuff back.

I do get some support from friends but most of their children are preteen so I can talk/vent but they do not have the same life experiences yet. Thanks again. I will try to keep this all in perspective and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Have a good week. ~ J

 

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

She has turned up the dial on her defiance...

Hello,

We are new to your service – and will be implementing the week 1 assignment with our 17 ½ year old senior daughter. We have observed problems for some time now (about two years to be exact – same time as she started birth control pills which has always made us wonder if that is coincidence or physiology). “We have read Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager” by Dr. Scott P. Sells also – which seems to share many of the same pinciples. We’ve tried a contract and various approaches – but we (her dad and I – we are married) have not both consistently held to the contract information so weakened its affect, no doubt. We barely have been getting by – doing much enabling (making calls to school for her schedule problems, filling out college apps., etc.) just to keep her progressing through this last year of high school – but realize that is part of problem.

She just finished a successful high school tennis career and now that this is over, she has turned up the dial on her definance and disrespect for us and our rules. We have a rule that she be home by curfew (which we have lengthened to 1a.m. already) and not stay overnight. She can get a ride from us anytime. Well, she stayed overnight a week ago now on the weekend and lied about where she was as well – she sent a text message to tell us where she was and we were already asleep (she had been following curfew up to this time during this year). We found out she was at her boyfriend’s house (he is two years older and now lives on his own with a roommate or two) – we found this by seeing her online checking account purchase from his community on the following morning and also her online log of phone calls and text messages through our cell phone carrier – she had calls back and forth to the girlfriend where she was reportedly staying. We disabled the car we let her drive, when she returned home and she has been without a vehicle now for a full week.

Her stubborn defiance is amazing – and she dug her heels in and has decided to really show us. She said if she can’t have the car anyway, she does not follow the rules and she did not come home now, three nights in a row. She did tell us where she was AFTER the first night (last Thursday – there was no school this past Friday so it became like a weekend night) – it was her boyfriend’s again – supposedly – but who knows. She comes home in between and then gets someone to pick her up and leave – then tells us she is staying overnight again and again we are not sure where the second night – but she gets a ride home again and is here in the afternoon for a bit.

Her dad talked with her about getting her car back and gave her two terms: come home every night and agree to seeing a counselor with or without mom and dad. She was disrespectful and defiant to him and told him she would not do that. She left again and said she was going to a nearby town – then we didn’t hear from her again except to say she would not be able to get home due to the snow (it had indeed snowed here about 8 inches). We replied via text message (she refused to answer the phone on a call) that we would come get her by our 4 wheel drive vehicle – tell us where you are, we can be on our way. She did not respond at all. We then called friends and no one knew where they were.

I talked to her boyfriend who said he did not know where she was this time and that he told her to go home the night before but she said we had given her permission to stay that night (he is very laid back and has trouble dealing with conflict – but has always been respectful and basically cooperative with us). I asked him to call me if she arrived at his place and we would come to pick her up – told him in no uncertain terms that we did not want her staying overnight at his place, that she is too young, etc. He said he would call (but who knows if he would). I also called another friend to enlist help – but think that fell on deaf ears as this friend was at her older boyfriends place at the time I called – and this friend seems to have few rules (part of the problem is the group our daughter hangs with – either older than her or very limited parental supervision – parents who are being “friends”, it seems). I texted another few people whose phone numbers I have gathered – people who she had mentioned being with. No response or help from this endeavor.

Our next item to take away is cell phone – she was told in a text last night, the last one of evening, to call us in 30 minutes for a ride, or we would expect her home by 1 a.m. Told her we would disconnect cell phone in the morning if she did not respond or come home. Well, here it is morning and no reply so we will disable cell phone (which is her life line). Not sure where she is or if she will come home soon. She has a 3:30 pm appointment with an energy healer (Reiki) who she really likes and opens up with – this person is a positive influence and will talk with her about much of this. Our daughter will not talk with us at all and says she is making plans to buy a car, earn more money to have her own way and get her own cell phone, etc. so she does not have to deal with us, etc.

We are not sure what to do next if she doesn’t come home or keeps leaving and we don’t know where she is. We think she’ll go to school tomorrow and we thought we could call the police liaison officer there for some advice and help – she has a good relationship with him (he’s all for the teens and well received by most, etc.). She has good grades and has not been in trouble in school up to this point. Losing her cell tends to move her over the edge – so not sure what will happen next but it has to be done or it’s another idle threat. She can’t seem to find rides and function without her phone – but she also knows we are here to give her rides and she knows the terms to get the car back and avoid cell phone turn off – but is not willing to cooperate.

She exhibits most of the descriptors of oppositional defiant disorder. We tried a counselor this summer but she refused to go back and indeed we did not find a good match – it did shift energy though and she was willing to talk to us for a time – that’s passed. Found another young woman counselor who also is a clinical hypnotist and she saw her once – but didn’t like having to talk so much so refused to go back to her – again, didn’t find the “match”.

Are we on the right path? What else might we do to get her home or if we need to continue really “tough love” – do we have to let go and let things fall apart for her to get her to face this and take some responsibility for her actions?

Thank you for your help and information – greatly appreciated,

B.

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Hi B.,

After reading your email, I believe most of your questions will be answered by the time you get through the 4-week program. If after that time you need any clarification, do not hesitate to email me again.

I think in your case, the most applicable strategies will be in the following areas of the eBook (online version):

1. The Art of Saying 'Yes' / The Art of Saying 'No'
2. When You Want Something From Your Kid (in the Anger Management Chapter)
3. When Something Unexpected Pops Up (in Emails From Exasperated Parents)

Stay in touch. I'll look forward to hearing back from you to clarify.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Son Assaults Mother

"Hi Mark, I'm new to this site. I have a couple of questions and scenarios that I would like to run by you. I have just charged my 17 year old with assault and put him out of the house, I was informed that he could go to a shelter, however there are no beds available at the shelter and he is now trying to come back home, as he has burned his bridges everywhere else. There is a no contact order in place, he cannot be within 100 ft of the house, and he is only permitted to contact me by phone. This is part of the scenario, there is more involved, I desperately need some advice. Could you please get back to me?"

Click here for the response...

The biggest mistake I made...

Please look for my responses where you see these arrows: ==>

Dear Mr. Hutten:

I would like to speak with you on the phone. To be worth doing at all it will entail some time commitment (say an hour minimum). Are you willing to do this? Would you be willing to make a phone date so I will be sure to have the time free? During school
hours is best.

==> Due to the sheer volume of OPS members I respond to on a daily basis, it would be best to communicate via email.


I have had a lot of success using NVC (non-violent communication) and imagine your program could be integrated into what I already do. The family situation is difficult legally and every other way. You may think you've heard it all but I bet this one has a few new kinks. Actually the child's behavior is not all that bad compared to what I'm reading from other parents. I've done a not bad job I think under extraordinarily bad circumstances.

The biggest mistake I' made was not to sue for guardianship when both of her parents were certifiably incompetent. Instead I kept trying to prop them up, hoping for eventual help and that the kid would have at least parents she could know instead of a vacuum.

But things are at a very critical point right now where poor choices could have far reaching ill effects for her life and education.

In terms of what I've read on your web site: she's moved out from the stricter gramma (me) to the indulgent parent (her dad) who left her with whoever for 6 weeks until she swallowed a bottle of aspirin to get his attention. She's back with him now. She comes by my place to use the computer almost daily. I need to return to my home in CA (she likes it there by the way) for many reasons and want to get her completely out of her present environment. I think that below her anger she knows she's better off with me. i want her to come back with the willingness to accept me as her legal guardian even to the point of filing a petition herself which she can now do in california (at age 12).

Her stated reason for leaving is that she can't stand me; that I don't care about her and any statement i may make about the deep love that I have for her is derided as BS. These ideas border on delusional. it is opposite to what she was saying 2 years ago and I have
very moving statement which she wrote at that time as to why she wanted me for her guardian. She will say that she was lying she always hated me etc. this just isn't true. She's in deep pain and needs a way out. I can help her if she will just cooperate a little.

In your view do I have to wait for her to blow up with her dad or is there some way I can reach her now? I'm afraid if I leave town interference from outsiders will prevent my knowing what's going on and will discourage her from calling. That's what happened
with her suicide attempt. It was just by chance I found out.

==> It sounds like you will have to wait for her to be in a severe state of "needing to reach out" to you before she will be ripe for a "live-in" relationship with you.
She has been mostly with me since age 3 and has asked for me to be her guardian till now and has accepted my authority to make the big decisions. She thinks she wants the apparent freedom her dad will give but she will actually get more real autonomy and independence and more real choice (meaning more choices, more options) much sooner and ultimately, with me.

On paper I have physical custody and her dad has legal custody, since a year or so ago. She is very very smart. Smart enough to figure out what she needs but will she figure in time? Her defiant behavior seems really compulsive to me. Like she knows it's not what
she really wants but she MUST rebel and side with her "friends". These are in part adult "friends" in there 20's 30's who along with her dad have fomented the rebellion as it were. I need to get her out of town and willingly. She has been very conflicted over her family situation for years and i think maybe the defiance, flat out and non negotiable shored up with a lot of anger is a way out of inner conflict. Any suggestions?

==> Let her know she is always welcome to come live with you as long as she is willing to abide by your house rules.
She spent 10 days in acute psychiatric care after her suicide attempt and was diagnosed ODD which is what lead me to your site, looking for more info on just what the hell is that. i suspect that she has an extremely high IQ and would like to have her evaluated by the Gifted Developement Center in denver; I've wanted to for years. She was released to her dad against the recommendations of the staff because she refused to go with me and the tribe (she's registered navaho) intervened to prevent her being placed in non indian foster care. The hospital recommended a 30 to 90 day treatment foster care. there is no such Indian foster care available so she's back with dad.

In general my approach with her has been like reeling in a fish only in reverse: trying to keep just enough tension on the line to give her the security of feeling some control and boundaries and reeling it out as fast as she can handle the responsibility. There are some very practical reasons for this: mainly i am 63 years old and there are no other family members remotely able to take over. Also it works real well. She responds well to real challenge. Again my problem is getting her dad out of the way. He is clueless.

Her dad is a marijuana dealer and heavy user. I have off and on for years debated making an anonymous phone call to try to have him busted. I hesitate for two reasons: (1) it makes me feel like a mean person; I favor legalization and to my knowledge he doesn't
handle the hard stuff. But it brings him in contact with people who do. It makes him a pitiful excuse for a dad and no role model for anybody. But I have a hard time with the idea of sending him up just to get him out of the way. (2) more importantly I don't think it in the child's best interest to have her dad in prison, to possibly ever know I blew the whistle even if he got off without serving time, which I think would be the most likely outcome.) I have been told that kids with parents who go to prison are statistically far more likely to do so themselves and part of what i am sensing with him is that he would
not be sorry to see her adopt his lifestyle.

I am fed up with trying to work with her dad. The personal/cultural differences are too great and I have been trying for 10 years.

Any opinions here?

==> Again, I think until her father "has had enough" and is willing to work with you rather than against you, your hands are tied.
There is a lot more. Some whole important areas I haven't even touched on. these are just a few bites. Might you be willing to work with me?

==> Yes... but due to time constraints, we will do best to communicate via email.
Thanks for your phone call maybe this email will spark questions and be a jumping off point.

AND do you know of anyway to disable MySpace without disconnecting from the internet? It is a Really Bad Thing. My kid started at 10 (at the instigation of one of those 20 something "friends") and then the cat was out. If you don't already understand the damage this thing (and other copy cats) are doing don't get me started. Just start looking at what's happening.You'll see.

==> At this time, she really should not have computer privileges. Here's parental control software to use if you want to continue to allow computer privileges, however ==> PC Tattletail.

This is what we use at our house. I think it is probably the best one out there.

Mark

"My son will just defy me as soon as Dad leaves the house..."

Dear Mr. Hutten: I have read most of your book today. I am almost done, but am quite confused regarding my own personal situation. I know I sent you that long email, but please remember these facts, as they are much harder for me than you realize. I am not trying to say that no one knows what they are talking about, I want you to realize that I need exact instructions on how to deal with my son AT THE POINT WE HAVE REACHED. My husband is gone for days at a time, and my son and I have an very very estranged relationship. If I even asked him to do a chore, to tried to impose a curfew or told him no to anything, he knows he can hang over my head the act of busting up my house. He would just say "F_ _ _ _ you B _ _ _ _ _, make me", grab his keys and walk out, doing whatever he wants. He just literally stands there and says "No." How do I converse with someone like that? He scares me, has hit me once about 5 years ago, and is now 6'1" and a brown belt. (I should have never paid for that), he never learned dicipline there, they taught it, but he used it against me.

In short, since my husband is an airline pilot, I can fly for free. Would it pay for me to have a session with you? An appointment? Would you be able to meet with me, for a while, hear everything I have to say and give me some honest to goodness guidance and sound advice on exactly what to do? I have been dealing with this for 10 years and am on the brink of divorce over it and have 3 more kids to raise. What I am trying to say is that I hear your advice in your book, but for many of your situations (such as imposing chores, or setting guidlines), this son will just defy me as soon as Dad leaves the house. I am stripped of authority, how do I get it back? I know my husband must join forces, but even if he does, how do I enforce it when Dad goes away? Please let me know something more.Thank you, A.


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Hi A.,

First of all, please do not use this program in “crash-course” fashion. Parents make a huge mistake when they try to shoot for a quick fix by blasting through the printable version of the ebook in one afternoon and then try to implement change. This approach will be the kiss of failure. Simply do one session per week – and be sure to listen to all the audio and watch all the instructional videos.

Secondly, I understood from your first email what you particular dilemma is. You are basically parenting alone with a very angry son who has no respect for you. Since your husband is not there to back you up, you must seek some form of outside assistance. I think this should come in the form of juvenile probation if necessary. That’s right – juvenile probation.

Use the strategies as outlined in the eBook. If your son threatens you, destroys property, violates curfew, etc., you should go to your local probation department and file a complaint (whether you get your husband’s approval or not). Then you will get assistance from a probation officer.

Now I’m going to be a bit tough on you:

If you are one of those parents that wants to save her son from uncomfortable emotions associated with his poor choices …if you find the above recommendation to be unthinkable …if you choose to be held captive in that abusive environment with little support from your absent husband, then you are NOT working this program as it is intended. 
 
This is a serious matter. You will either make a stand as well as muster the courage to implement change, or you will find a host of reasons why this program will not work – it’s your choice.

Having said that, I trust that you will take things one-step at a time by fully digesting session #1 (and implementing session #1 assignments) this week – and nothing more. Save session #2 for next week. Also email me as needed for any clarification you may need.

Lastly, shift from focusing on all that’s going wrong and how you are being treated unfairly to focusing on how you can begin to take care of you.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

This will be hard, won't it?

Mr. Hutten:

I purchased your book, but am worried about something. Correct me if I am wrong: I cannot effectively do this if my husband doesn't right? Also, how am I to pull this off every time my pilot husband leaves town? This will be hard, won't it?

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While it's true that it will be exceedingly difficult to implement these strategies if your husband is working in the opposite direction from you, I find that - even in worse case scenarios - spouses can find at least a few areas they agree on.

Rarely is the case that husband and wife are 100% diametrically opposed on ALL decision-making opportunities about their kids. A weaker plan supported by both parents is much, much better than a strong plan supported by only one.

Mark

Online Parent Support

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