We are new to your service – and will be implementing the week 1 assignment with our 17 ½ year old senior daughter. We have observed problems for some time now (about two years to be exact – same time as she started birth control pills which has always made us wonder if that is coincidence or physiology). “We have read Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager” by Dr. Scott P. Sells also – which seems to share many of the same pinciples. We’ve tried a contract and various approaches – but we (her dad and I – we are married) have not both consistently held to the contract information so weakened its affect, no doubt. We barely have been getting by – doing much enabling (making calls to school for her schedule problems, filling out college apps., etc.) just to keep her progressing through this last year of high school – but realize that is part of problem.
She just finished a successful high school tennis career and now that this is over, she has turned up the dial on her definance and disrespect for us and our rules. We have a rule that she be home by curfew (which we have lengthened to 1a.m. already) and not stay overnight. She can get a ride from us anytime. Well, she stayed overnight a week ago now on the weekend and lied about where she was as well – she sent a text message to tell us where she was and we were already asleep (she had been following curfew up to this time during this year). We found out she was at her boyfriend’s house (he is two years older and now lives on his own with a roommate or two) – we found this by seeing her online checking account purchase from his community on the following morning and also her online log of phone calls and text messages through our cell phone carrier – she had calls back and forth to the girlfriend where she was reportedly staying. We disabled the car we let her drive, when she returned home and she has been without a vehicle now for a full week.
Her stubborn defiance is amazing – and she dug her heels in and has decided to really show us. She said if she can’t have the car anyway, she does not follow the rules and she did not come home now, three nights in a row. She did tell us where she was AFTER the first night (last Thursday – there was no school this past Friday so it became like a weekend night) – it was her boyfriend’s again – supposedly – but who knows. She comes home in between and then gets someone to pick her up and leave – then tells us she is staying overnight again and again we are not sure where the second night – but she gets a ride home again and is here in the afternoon for a bit.
Her dad talked with her about getting her car back and gave her two terms: come home every night and agree to seeing a counselor with or without mom and dad. She was disrespectful and defiant to him and told him she would not do that. She left again and said she was going to a nearby town – then we didn’t hear from her again except to say she would not be able to get home due to the snow (it had indeed snowed here about 8 inches). We replied via text message (she refused to answer the phone on a call) that we would come get her by our 4 wheel drive vehicle – tell us where you are, we can be on our way. She did not respond at all. We then called friends and no one knew where they were.
I talked to her boyfriend who said he did not know where she was this time and that he told her to go home the night before but she said we had given her permission to stay that night (he is very laid back and has trouble dealing with conflict – but has always been respectful and basically cooperative with us). I asked him to call me if she arrived at his place and we would come to pick her up – told him in no uncertain terms that we did not want her staying overnight at his place, that she is too young, etc. He said he would call (but who knows if he would). I also called another friend to enlist help – but think that fell on deaf ears as this friend was at her older boyfriends place at the time I called – and this friend seems to have few rules (part of the problem is the group our daughter hangs with – either older than her or very limited parental supervision – parents who are being “friends”, it seems). I texted another few people whose phone numbers I have gathered – people who she had mentioned being with. No response or help from this endeavor.
Our next item to take away is cell phone – she was told in a text last night, the last one of evening, to call us in 30 minutes for a ride, or we would expect her home by 1 a.m. Told her we would disconnect cell phone in the morning if she did not respond or come home. Well, here it is morning and no reply so we will disable cell phone (which is her life line). Not sure where she is or if she will come home soon. She has a 3:30 pm appointment with an energy healer (Reiki) who she really likes and opens up with – this person is a positive influence and will talk with her about much of this. Our daughter will not talk with us at all and says she is making plans to buy a car, earn more money to have her own way and get her own cell phone, etc. so she does not have to deal with us, etc.
We are not sure what to do next if she doesn’t come home or keeps leaving and we don’t know where she is. We think she’ll go to school tomorrow and we thought we could call the police liaison officer there for some advice and help – she has a good relationship with him (he’s all for the teens and well received by most, etc.). She has good grades and has not been in trouble in school up to this point. Losing her cell tends to move her over the edge – so not sure what will happen next but it has to be done or it’s another idle threat. She can’t seem to find rides and function without her phone – but she also knows we are here to give her rides and she knows the terms to get the car back and avoid cell phone turn off – but is not willing to cooperate.
She exhibits most of the descriptors of oppositional defiant disorder. We tried a counselor this summer but she refused to go back and indeed we did not find a good match – it did shift energy though and she was willing to talk to us for a time – that’s passed. Found another young woman counselor who also is a clinical hypnotist and she saw her once – but didn’t like having to talk so much so refused to go back to her – again, didn’t find the “match”.
Are we on the right path? What else might we do to get her home or if we need to continue really “tough love” – do we have to let go and let things fall apart for her to get her to face this and take some responsibility for her actions?
Thank you for your help and information – greatly appreciated,
After reading your email, I believe most of your questions will be answered by the time you get through the 4-week program. If after that time you need any clarification, do not hesitate to email me again.
I think in your case, the most applicable strategies will be in the following areas of the eBook (online version):
1. The Art of Saying 'Yes' / The Art of Saying 'No'
2. When You Want Something From Your Kid (in the Anger Management Chapter)
3. When Something Unexpected Pops Up (in Emails From Exasperated Parents)
Stay in touch. I'll look forward to hearing back from you to clarify.
Online Parent Support
The Strong-Willed Out-of-Control Teen
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.
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